Hope everyone is having a pleasant weekend and all prepped for Ramadan.
I'm looking to seek advice on a potential partner I met recently.
Things went really well with her over the past couple of months and after meeting up we wanted to let the family know, get everyone introduced etc and progress further. However few days later we talked it out and she decided that it's a no go and rejected me. What really annoyed me is she wasn't sure what she wanted. She said I was a great guy and had everything she was looking for but her gut feeling wasn't sure if she wanted take things further. She didn't give me a valid excuse as to why it shouldn't progress except for this "feeling" she had. She said and I quote "a part of me wants to progress and another part says I don't know, I don't want to hold you back so we should leave it. I hope I'm not making a mistake."
It is very frustrating, you think you've finally found the one after months of searching and they end up doing a U-turn.
So over the past few days I've been thinking things over and I can't help but feel that we should give it another go and iron out any doubts we have. Normally I'd just leave it and move on but with this particular person I'm struggling. In this situation should I pray Istikhara? I have been praying daily and making dua for Allah's guidance but no idea what's the best course of action. In my eyes if you've found who you think is the right person after knowing them for a bit, I've got nothing to lose if I ask her to try again and see how things go.
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
brother you said it .. .you got nothing to loose, so what you waiting for?, go ahead and give it another go before someone else takes her!
she might be impressed if you propose again thinking you must like her a lot!
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
Walaikum assalaam
Yes you can do istikhara and ask her to do istikhara as well. Women have gut feelings/intuition much more strongly than brothers do, so it could be that there are little things about you that she doesn't like but can't pinpoint it exactly or she herself does not have confidence and self-esteem to let someone else be a part of her life. She also may have gotten nervous about you meeting her family..Whatever the reasons, she should do istikhara if she actually did like you. That could just be the boost that she needs to clear all her doubts. May Allah make it easy for you.
I do just want to mention that you should avoid any fitnah that comes with talking to the opposite gender. You probably already know, but just a reminder that if she wanted to break it up then try to limit your interaction with her because there's no point really in continuing it if it doesn't work out. The less haram is done in a relationship the more blessings Allah puts in the marriage.
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
"I don't know" "maybe" "we will see" "lets talk about it" "we could work it out" etc. Are not answers, either yes, or no - that is an answer, preferably with an explanation. If she says "I don't know" say "That is not an answer." etc.
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
format_quote Originally Posted by Serinity
"I don't know" "maybe" "we will see" "lets talk about it" "we could work it out" etc. Are not answers, either yes, or no - that is an answer, preferably with an explanation. If she says "I don't know" say "That is not an answer." etc.
And Allah SWT knows best.
It's not that simple though. sometimes she may honestly not know if she is ready for marriage. Also a lot of men take it personally when they're rejected so sugar coating it is sometimes better for their delicate little hearts.
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
Do ishtekhaara.
Sounds like she wants some time to think about this. Although it can feel frustrating for the other party, especially the vague way it was handled, it is understandable.
Pray ishtekhaara and talk to her family.
If you weren't dealing with her walk from the start, you were doing it wrong.
So do it the right way now if you're serious.
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
format_quote Originally Posted by Timi Scar
I would refrain from girls who are indecisive... I smell trouble ahead.
A woman who knows what she wants, is a woman... the rest are just trying to be women.
Scimi
Also sounds like he approached her and let the relationship progress to this point instead of going through the wali.
Indecisiveness through this process is natural, that's why a woman is supposed to have their wali to help guide them and screen potentials for them, and also ishtekhaara.
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
format_quote Originally Posted by gray_fox
She said I was a great guy and had everything she was looking for but her gut feeling wasn't sure if she wanted take things further.
She doesn't feel matched with you, but she didn't want you offended if she reject you blatantly. So she used 'diplomatic way', praising you, then continue with "but" and tell her honest feeling on you. This is the common way of women in rejecting a man.
Should you propose marriage again?. It's okay. But not now, because you will be rejected again. What you must do is giving her a time to observe you better. If then she see that you are actually better than her current view on you, you will get a chance to be accepted
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
format_quote Originally Posted by Timi Scar
I would refrain from girls who are indecisive... I smell trouble ahead.
A woman who knows what she wants, is a woman... the rest are just trying to be women.
Scimi
Not at all, women might like to think about it and it's a big decision. Jumping in and saying yes without a seconds thought could spell trouble a few weeks or months down the line if the marriage doesn't connect.
Men are just so desperate for an immediate answer. Patience is key
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
format_quote Originally Posted by EgyptPrincess
Not at all, women might like to think about it and it's a big decision. Jumping in and saying yes without a seconds thought could spell trouble a few weeks or months down the line if the marriage doesn't connect.
Men are just so desperate for an immediate answer. Patience is key
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
format_quote Originally Posted by Timi Scar
You are supporting the idea of dating?
Scimi
You need to give the girl time to deliberate the marriage proposal and how it might affect her life. She may need some time to think about it, men rushing women into marriage is not cool...
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
format_quote Originally Posted by Timi Scar
How much time would you say is fair? HASN'T THE BROTHER WAITED ALREADY? HENCE THIS THREAD?
Or do you suppose her fairy godmother will bring her glass slippers to convince her to get married ?
Scimi
If he really wants to marry her he should wait as long as is required until she gives him an answer. If he doesn't want to wait for an answer then he can move on and look for a different girl.
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
You are living in a romance, lady... life is not that rose tinted lol
He will walk if she misses her chance, in her own words quoted from the OP:
format_quote Originally Posted by gray_fox
Salams all,
She said and I quote "a part of me wants to progress and another part says I don't know, I don't want to hold you back so we should leave it. I hope I'm not making a mistake."
Her loss - the brother actually wants to marry her and has even joined this forum to seek advice - where you gonna get a guy like that? tell me... she's being stupid.
Re: Not sure whether to re-propose to a potential spouse
format_quote Originally Posted by Timi Scar
You are living in a romance, lady... life is not that rose tinted lol
He will walk if she misses her chance, in her own words quoted from the OP:
Her loss - the brother actually wants to marry her and has even joined this forum to seek advice - where you gonna get a guy like that? tell me... she's being stupid.
And you are in lalaland.
Scimi
lalaland is pretty chill
She is just sugar coating it for him. "you're a really nice guy and I would like to marry you blah blah but it's just not the right time. It's not you, it's me" the classic. Men are so weak these days that you have to lower them to the floor very gently and reject them with care. It seems that is what she has done in this case.
That being said, is the perfect wife not worth fighting for? I commend the OP for asking her again... She may have changed her mind this time around but asking someone into marriage is not the same as asking someone if they want marshmallows in their hot chocolate... A lot of thought needs to go into it and perhaps now she may be ready to accept his proposal.
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