husband really upset i dont fast

format_quote Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth

If you re-read what I stated, I said, the husband is responsible for the efforts he made or didn't make. Just like a parent IS responsible for the efforts they make or don't make in raising their children in the way of Islam. Marriage is alot more complex than you think it is. A MAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FLOCK. Full stop. So yes, her husband does have a right to be upset that she isn't fasting, perhaps her reasons are not valid and he hold a level of responsibility for that. We are nobody to say what is fair and what isn't when Allah has commanded something as he is the one with wisdom we cannot comprehend.

Again, I am not in agreement with the method he is addressing the sister. Name calling and alienating is uncalled for as well as immature, however, we don't know the entire story and therefore we should make our best efforts to give sound advice or just not get involved.

I'm unsure if you were referring to me when you said you have no respect for homewreckers etc. Just to clarify, at no point did I advocate divorce, nor would I ever suggest divorce as a first step. It is clear that there are underlying marital issues here so even trying to give advice on a symptom is useless in my opinion. Furthermore, the sister is a convert and there are also cultural issues going on here. Converts go through phases and most born Muslims cannot comprehend this delicate situation, even the converts themselves don't quite realize what's going on when it is happening. That's another topic though.

In my explanation to you, I described a couple of scenarios where a man has grounds for divorce to illustrate a point. This is a fact, not my opinion. Again, this was not an advocacy for divorce.

Again, a man does have a responsibility to guide his family and he will be held accountable for her behavior TO AN EXTENT, and for that you'll need to take it up with a scholar. I'm old enough and experienced enough to understand the family system very clearly and I'm quite at peace with my understanding.

and Allah knows best.

LOL we got into another disagreement in a different thread!...Sorry really did not mean to but it happens. We just don't see eye to eye with certain things it seems. But I do agree with everything you said above though!

Yeah only accountable TO AN EXTENT...we can preach all we want to our children/spouse to pray and fast but we can't force these things espcially on grown up adults and I don't see why a humble, pious parent should be held responsible for the secret sins of daughter who has gone astray but pretending to be good, pious muslim (this does actually happens) and I do NOT blame their parents for the immoral behaviour of daughters/sons behind their parents backs.

May Allah swt guide all our families and children to right path that earns His pleasure, Ameen.

And NO I was not referring to you or anyone in particular when I said I have no respect for homewreckers. It was just a general statement about some people who like to advise troubled marraiges to divorce like there are no other option and as if divorce is the only way...I have seen this happen which really bothers me, some people take divorce very lightly like its nothing serious/a big deal...Well...it kind of is A BIG deal! In my humble opinion anyway.

Anyways, my dear sister Umm Layth...I do not wish to get into debate with you! I wish you peace and happiness! ...I need to go and pray now!

Good Day & Good Bye!

format_quote Originally Posted by batarzyna

There was a breakthrough. My son told me my mother in law told my husband to start speaking to me again so the atmosphere at home is a bit better now. It is still a vry formal way of communicating but at least we talk...

I always believe that it's never one person's fault when marriage breaks. I contributed to it as well.
I can mention 3 things. After having 3 kids Im nearly 30kg heavier than before having kids. I had a good body that my husband loved and I'm now overweight. I'm working on it and I will lose weight sooner or later. I know my husband doesn't like me overweight and he is very clear about it calling me far, cow etc
Second thing is sex. My husband wants to have sex every day while I would be fine with once a week... We compromise and have sex 2-3 times a week which I think is ok after 14 years together but he is still not happy. That's one of the reasons he always talks about having a second wife... So he can have sex as often as he wants. If i dont want, then she will want.
The last thing is very much my fault - religion. I gave him false hopes. I was very interested in islam, when I was converting I was convinced I would be a better muslim than i was catholic. I always believed but never practiced religion as much.
When I converted I tried to pray regularly, I started fasting. Unfortunately after many months I realized I don't feel it. I kept forcing myself and lied to myself but I never enjoyed praying. I could never feel it inside. When I slowly stopped praying my husband understood it as me slowly going back to my previous faith. I kept telling him it's not the case but he never fully believed.
When I converted my husband had hopes he will finally have a proper Muslim wife and it never happened. thats where the disappointment came from.
He knew he married catholic, he always hoped I would convert, but never forced me.
We've had many issues and bad times but we somehow survived.

I met him when I was nearly 16, We started living together when I was 17... We were crazy in love...
I would hate to see this marriage break but Im afraid it is going to happen sooner or later.
We are quite comfortable the way we are. He earns well and works a lot, I take care of the house and the kids. I work on Saturdays when he is off. We have a house, cars and 3 wonderful children.
We wouldn't be together if it wasn't for the kids.
Sometimes I feel I still love him, sometimes I hate him and feel he can't stand me either.
It's very sad.

Sometimes when he doesn;t speak to me I will wake up in the middle of the night and cuddle him pretending to be asleep, sometimes he cuddles me back and I feel so wonderful and safe hoping he still has feelings for me. Sometimes he pushes me away and it hurts so much.

You may be fed up reading about my struggles. But as I have nobody to talk to I thought I will talk to you
Thank you everyone

Gaining weight is normal with pregnancy, however it is the duty of the wife to keep her self beautiful for her husband. However to be able to lose weight one must get time to do so. Does your husband give you the time by doing what you usually would do (clean the house, take care of the children, cook..etc.) so you could go and work out? Do remember 1/3, food 1/3, water..1/3 air.

Being 14 years together makes you about 30-31 years old i believe. That age is still way before the age that the man loses less of his drive in intimacy. You not wanting to have often intimacy MAY lie because of other things. Ever thought about that? Maybe the connection between you and him..the affection between you and him. Maybe because you are more often too tired? A woman is not like a man when it comes to intimacy. We as men have urges, while a woman needs time to want it. As we know of Rasullah(saws) has said do not approach your wives like animals or somewhere down that road. So go think about what may be the cause, i myself THINK it may be that the affection between you and him plays a big role in you having less drive in intimacy.

This one is his OWN fault if you ask me, although you yourself are honest with it and indeed you should have not given him that false hope. Just as i suspected he did not follow up the advice of Rasullah(saws) and now he is having those issues. Marrying because of beauty. As with beauty comes (intimacy, love etc.). To this ..it CAN be fixed, however it needs to hands to clap. Go and ask yourself how come you are not so convinced of Islam? What is missing that you say that is it? Being convinced comes from the mind, honesty comes from the heart. When you are 100% through logic, rationality and reason convinced Islam is the truth, your heart will also accept it. Have you ever asked yourself why you "have" to pray or even why Allah has made prayer obligatory? Have you ever asked yourself why Ramadan? What is the use or wisdom behind it? When knowing this and much more, one even will do the voluntary prayers and fasting.

The marriage is a thing again that needs two hands to clap. It needs dedication and effort to make it work. If the man sits on the couch all day not giving his wife compliments or help his wife or make her laugh etc..it is rather kind of dead marriage. You guys know each other already. Instead of seeing problems, look for solutions. Start with yourself and the things he hates about you. Weight, Islam. I guarantee you HE WILL SEE change in your behavior when you start giving him his rights although he might not yet give you your rights. That will ins'sha'Allah come later on.

Also, you have said you guys own a business and you said he "works a lot"..maybe balance is good? As in every relationship balance is good. Even lets say you guys SO BADLY need the money and he works. How hard is it that he calls you every afternoon to say how you are and that he loves you or tells you a joke. Or you calling him to talk him and show your affection to him. There is a saying "Out of sight out of mind". Well you may not see him all day, but calling him you will talk to each other..in other words you guys keep in each others minds. Money is one thing, but you do not need so much money if you guys already have enough money. Seek out balance.

As a man if a man pushes you away it has a reason. I can think of 3.

1. He is disgusted with you (maybe refusing intimacy because of it for example)
2. He has it to warm (we men tend to get warm more easily, so having a stove (spouse) next to us is unbearable. Think about those warm summer nights. The last thing we want is a spouse that wants to cuddle when sleeping. Remember when you are to hot you automatically in your sleep push away your bed sheet..a stove (the spouse) is the same XD. You guys (women) can walk in the sun all wrapped up and only sweat a little bit, while we men are pouring)
3. He wants to sleep because he is tired. (When cuddling, you change to a certain position that position might not be ideal position to want to sleep.)

Nah, you are not a burden, every successful marriage is a good thing to have. These days the family unite is being ripped apart. Do think about the things i have said. Maybe i am wrong and am missing something.

Assalamu Alaikum

Sis what you're going through is EXTREMELY normal. I'm sure the grumpiness of fasting is just adding to the issues, but these problems are easily solvable. You've been together for so long you have to learn how to reconnect. Maybe because your lives are such a routine, it becomes a bit dull after 11 years. You have to change it up. Also if your husband has physical needs that he's not getting from you, that's going to add to his frustration. I know for you as a woman, you want a stronger emotional connection, but for him as a man he needs the physical one. Both are important for each of course, but for each of you, there is a need for one more than the other because that is just how we are programmed to be.

As for your Islam, take it one day at a time. You have to make some connection with that too. Since you're taking care of your kids, you can sit with them and talk about Islam together. They are going to be learning and so will you as you teach them. Your husband will feel left out so he will probably join in The same thing with working out. Play with your kids..use them as weight loss tools If you can't work out, then just have smarter eating habits. Weight loss is 80% diet than it is exercise.

There have been drastic changes in your lives since 11 years ago, you can't expect the same results. Maybe the focus is always on your kids rather than on each other..and you have to make time and effort for both.

Only Allah has hold on every heart , you should tell your all problems to your Allah until all will be fine . it is my experience . and you should study tafseer of surah al mujadla ( first surah of juz 28 ) it will notice you the power of Dua , inshaAlla