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  1. #1
    Tann76's Avatar
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    What to do about this situation about my sister?

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    So my sister is 26 and she got pregnant with her boyfriend 3 or 4 years ago. We're an asian Muslim family and her boyfriend is black. She's committed huge sins and its torn our family apart. My Dad was extremely angry when he found out and disowned her and no one really talks to her, apart from my Mum. When I had found out it was a year later that I found out she had a baby, and no one in my family even told me anything or I didn't even hear about it. I discovered it on my own on my mums phone when I saw a photo and I was very shocked. I couldn't believe it. I didn't confront anyone about it it and then my Mum finally decided to tell me the news after a few months.

    Since then I slowly stopped talking to her and I was just so shocked and also angry because she didn't tell me and apparently my family didn't tell me because they didn't want the same thing to happen to me. I wasn't in contact with her at all, I just didn't bother with her anymore and also I just don't know what to say anymore. I just don't really care anymore to talk with her. Before she got pregnant she was already living out for uni, and when she graduated she decided to leave home and move in to her own place. My dad didn't want her to leave but I think that's fine she likes to be independent and if she wanted to move out then it's her choice. Also, when she was graduating she felt the pressure to get married and she didn't want to get married to someone she didn't want.

    As the younger sister, I always wanted that big sister who was really close and loving like other families do but our relationship wasn't like that, like we were close but not that close, and sometimes she would be rude and negative towards me and swear and just not treat me very nice. Sometimes she was nice and she would help me with things and take me out but I feel like she could've been nicer in general. Just in general, she has a short temper and can have like a -----y attitude and scream and swear when she's angry. I just wouldn't like the way she is and acts sometimes. She just didn't make a big effort as my big sister back then. She's still an aggressive angry patient person. But I understand that's how she is because my dad and older brother also tend to have anger problems.

    So when she was living out we would message and talk sometimes, she would visit whilst at uni until she got pregnant, she hardly visited. When she had a baby, she visited a few times over the years but secretly as my mum wanted to see her but when she came I didn't talk to her at all and just avoided her because I just felt like I didn't know what to say and it was awkward for me.

    We just don't have a relationship. It's just been soo long, like over 3 years we haven't spoken or seen each other.
    Honestly I just don't care anymore like she's not in my life anymore, she's the one who left and made her own choices. She has a new life and I just don't know her anymore. I've become used to being by myself and like I wish I had a big sister but I don't really have one anymore and since it's been so long I'm just not bothered anymore, I've actually been really focusing on myself and living my life and haven't given much thought to her. I don't hate her but I don't even know if I like her. I don't know, everything's just changed now, and what she's done has affected the family especially my dad, he can't sleep at night and has a lot of tension every day and takes antidepressants sometimes. He's heartbroken.

    At the end of the day she is still my sister and even though I don't care so much, at the same time I just feel a bit bad and sorry for her because of what's happened and it's been difficult for her. But this is the life she chose, she made those choices and I'm sure at that time she realised what she was doing was so wrong, how cant she not know that and know the consequences. I don't know why she did it. But I know she's always wanted to be a mother and maybe she got desperate and just did it. I don't even know if her boyfriend/partner is even Muslim or not, apparently he is converted but she or her BF could be lying. And she even had another baby a couple months ago and she still isn't married and it might be due to financial reasons. But I feel like since she's got lots of non Muslim friends and she lives out she may have been badly influenced into doing wrong or tricked. Who knows. I don't know her side of the story fully or like her thoughts. She should've told someone if she wanted to be with her BF, and I'm fine with him being a different race but my parents certainly wouldn't approve of marrying outside our culture. But I think she went about things the wrong way.

    Maybe she truly made a big mistake, and if she cared she would ask for forgiveness and pray etc, but it seems like she doesn't even care and she thinks she's not done anything wrong from what I've been told when my brother recently went to visit her they had a discussion but she would be like stubborn and say NO to things with an attitude.
    And just thinking about this situation, I just don't really know what to think or say about it. Even though my family isn't very religious except for my parents, I do still care about wanting to be a better Muslim and even though i myself commit sins, I wouldn't ever commit major sins like sex, alcohol etc.

    I just never thought something like this would ever happen in my family, and it's so sad that my dad just disowned her like that and I wish it wasn't like this. Like if my mum still has that love and care for her why can't my dad?
    Growing up our parents never really taught anything about these kind of things, like about boys, sex, they're all taboo subjects and weren't spoken about. But still it's not an excuse to not know what's haraam and not.

    I know we all make mistakes, none of us are perfect. But we cant change the past, we can only focus on the present and future.

    Now recently my sister got my number and messaged me like 'hi happy new year' and I said the same back. She thinks I don't care about her anymore, which sad to say but honestly I don't care that much anymore and obviously she's been non existent for me. But since messaging me it seems like she's trying to amend our relationship. And I've been thinking about this situation and the future etc. And that I guess deep down I do care a little bit.

    But honestly, I just don't know what to do about this situation. Like she's done alot of wrong regarding her having kids before marriage, and the way she's gone about things and the fact that it seems like she doesn't care about being a Muslim anymore. I feel like she didn't care about anyone else and only did what she wanted.

    I just need some advice and guidance on how to go about this situation. If you were in this situation, what would you do? Would you talk to her, or limit how much you would say. Should I try to build a normal relationship with her again?

    What should I say to her? How can I help her? What should I ask her?

    I feel like maybe I should remind her what she's done wrong and the consequences, and advise her so that she changes and does better in the future? Get her on the good side?
    If I should, how can I word this message, without sounding like she's being forced or just told what to do without good reason, and make her realise her mistakes and to change.

    If I say things to her in the right way maybe she'll listen and care. What advice would you have for me and for my sister?

    Islamically and just being a decent human, I just want to know what the right thing is for me to do and say.

    I would appreciate any advice and support. Sorry for this very long post. I just wanted to let out my thoughts and sort of vent and also ask for advice.
    Thank you.

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    HabibUrrehman's Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Assalam O Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh Sister,

    Thanks for taking time to write down a long post. It helps to understand the background which is necessary to give any advice. After reading your post, the first impression I get is that you kind of know what you need to do. It seems like that you know the importance of keeping the ties of kinship and importance of giving advice in a way that can be beneficial. Let me expand on these two important aspects, that is, maintaining ties of kinship and giving advice to someone with love and compassion.
    Quran says:
    … and fear Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship)… [Quran 4:1]
    In a Sahih hadith narrated by 'Abdullah bin Amr, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
    "Merely maintaining the ties of kinship is not adequate. But connecting the ties of kinship is when his ties to the womb are severed and he connects it."
    حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ أَبِي عُمَرَ، حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا بَشِيرٌ أَبُو إِسْمَاعِيلَ، وَفِطْرُ بْنُ خَلِيفَةَ، عَنْ مُجَاهِدٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ لَيْسَ الْوَاصِلُ بِالْمُكَافِئِ وَلَكِنَّ الْوَاصِلَ الَّذِي إِذَا انْقَطَعَتْ رَحِمُهُ وَصَلَهَا ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالَ أَبُو عِيسَى هَذَا حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ صَحِيحٌ ‏.‏ وَفِي الْبَابِ عَنْ سَلْمَانَ وَعَائِشَةَ وَعَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عُمَرَ ‏.‏

    Grade: Sahih (Darussalam)
    Reference: Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1908
    In-book reference: Book 27, Hadith 14
    English translation: Vol. 4, Book 1, Hadith 1908
    https://sunnah.com/tirmidhi/27/14
    In another hadith Abu Bakrah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
    "There is no sin more worthy of Allah hastening the punishment upon its practitioner in the world – along with what is in store for him in the Hereafter – than tyranny and severing the ties of kinship.” (Sahih)
    حَدَّثَنَا عَلِيُّ بْنُ حُجْرٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا إِسْمَاعِيلُ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، عَنْ عُيَيْنَةَ بْنِ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي بَكْرَةَ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏ مَا مِنْ ذَنْبٍ أَجْدَرُ أَنْ يُعَجِّلَ اللَّهُ لِصَاحِبِهِ الْعُقُوبَةَ فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعَ مَا يَدَّخِرُ لَهُ فِي الآخِرَةِ مِنَ الْبَغْىِ وَقَطِيعَةِ الرَّحِمِ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالَ هَذَا حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ صَحِيحٌ ‏.‏
    English reference: Vol. 4, Book 11, Hadith 2511
    Arabic reference: Book 37, Hadith 2700
    https://sunnah.com/urn/678170
    Now none of us is a scholar so I don't want to derive any ruling even though Quran and hadith is very clear on this regard. However, I can refer to some of the opinion of well known and respected scholars. Below is an article/Fatwa from Islamqa web site:
    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/1229...-able-to-do-it
    I am going to quote something what's important for our discussion from above referenced article:
    Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory to the extent that one is able to do it, starting with the closest and then the next closest. There is a great deal of goodness in it and it serves many interests. Severing the ties of kinship is a major sin.
    So the ruling is very clear and it is in accordance to what Quran and Hadith teaches.
    Please note that maintaining ties of kinship specifically means to make an effort to maintain good relationship with those who make an effort to cut off the ties of kinship. This is evident from the very first hadith I quoted above. I will quote another hadith below to make this clear:
    Abu Hurayra said, "A man came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, 'Messenger of Allah! I have relatives with whom I maintain ties while they cut me off. I am good to them while they are bad to me. They behave foolishly towards me while I am forbearing towards them.' The Prophet said, 'If things are as you said, it is as if you were putting hot ashes on them and you will not lack a supporter against them from Allah as long as you continue to do that.'"
    حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ عُبَيْدِ اللهِ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ أَبِي حَازِمٍ، عَنِ الْعَلاَءِ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ‏:‏ أَتَى رَجُلٌ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ‏:‏ يَا رَسُولَ اللهِ، إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً أَصِلُهُمْ وَيَقْطَعُونَ، وَأُحْسِنُ إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيئُونَ إِلَيَّ، وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَيَّ وَأَحْلُمُ عَنْهُمْ، قَالَ‏:‏ لَئِنْ كَانَ كَمَا تَقُولُ كَأَنَّمَا تُسِفُّهُمُ الْمَلَّ، وَلاَ يَزَالُ مَعَكَ مِنَ اللهِ ظَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَلِكَ‏.‏
    Grade: Sahih (Al-Albani)
    Reference: Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 52
    In-book reference: Book 2, Hadith 6
    English translation: Book 2, Hadith 52
    http://sunnah.com/adab/2/6
    Now moving on to second part, which is what role you can play and how you can give an advice to guide your sister and your parents.
    This is the hard part as it requires a lot of patience and time to build the relationship and trust. Your sister is part of your family and no matter what happens, she will remain your sister and your father's daughter. When a part of our body gets infected, we don't cut off that part; rather we try to treat that part. Social boycott is neither helping your sister nor your parents. You can play a very important role to bring them together again for the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala. You can tell your sister that your father misses her and that he is heart broken. Similarly you can tell your dad that your sister misses him and wants him to see his grand kids. It is permissible for you to tell each party that the other has said good things about them and praised them so as to encourage reconciliation. Talk to your mom and seek her advice, see how you both can work together to convince other members of the family to accept your sister and her family. Try to hear the story of your sister. She may be going through hard times but she has no shoulder to cry on. Show love and compassion and advice accordingly.
    May Allah help you and your family to maintain ties of kinship. Ameen!
    May Allah make it easy for you and your family to be good practicing Muslims. Ameen!

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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Assalamu Alaikum

    I completely understand the feelings of pain your family is going through. If you stay in her life and you try, perhaps Allah will guide her through you. Perhaps her children will see Islam and be better worshipers than she was. There is a lot of good that can come from maintaining your ties to her if you look at it that way. What she's done is very wrong, but at the end of the day her judgement is with Allah and you can't go back and change anything. Every day that she is alive is a chance for her to change her ways, so its not too late for her to repent and see her mistakes. I don't think you should give up on her.
    What to do about this situation about my sister?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Tann76's Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Okay so how do I go about speaking to her and making her understand that what she's done is wrong especially commiting Zina. Her children are the product of a big mistake and that mistake makes the family feel disgusted and betrayed.

    What can I say to make her want to feel regret so that she learns and tries to become better as a person and as a Muslim? How exactly can I say to her in a nice loving way so that she'll listen and not argue?

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    Assalamu Alaikum

    I completely understand the feelings of pain your family is going through. If you stay in her life and you try, perhaps Allah will guide her through you. Perhaps her children will see Islam and be better worshipers than she was. There is a lot of good that can come from maintaining your ties to her if you look at it that way. What she's done is very wrong, but at the end of the day her judgement is with Allah and you can't go back and change anything. Every day that she is alive is a chance for her to change her ways, so its not too late for her to repent and see her mistakes. I don't think you should give up on her.
    Okay so how do I go about speaking to her and making her understand that what she's done is wrong especially commiting Zina. Her children are the product of a big mistake and that mistake makes the family feel disgusted and betrayed.

    What can I say to make her want to feel regret so that she learns and tries to become better as a person and as a Muslim? How exactly can I say to her in a nice loving way so that she'll listen and not argue?

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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tann76 View Post
    Okay so how do I go about speaking to her and making her understand that what she's done is wrong especially commiting Zina. Her children are the product of a big mistake and that mistake makes the family feel disgusted and betrayed.

    What can I say to make her want to feel regret so that she learns and tries to become better as a person and as a Muslim? How exactly can I say to her in a nice loving way so that she'll listen and not argue?
    What you should help her focus on are the practices in Islam such as praying, fasting, making tawba. If you attack her about her past, she will just get defensive and it will push you apart again, but if you help her build a foundation of iman, then the regret will eventually come on its own. Your job is only to give her dawah and Allah will do the rest. I'm sure she already knows that what she's done is wrong, but she just doesn't feel its wrong and that's an issue of iman and taqwa. Look at the root of the problem, not the effects.
    What to do about this situation about my sister?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Tann76's Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    What you should help her focus on are the practices in Islam such as praying, fasting, making tawba. If you attack her about her past, she will just get defensive and it will push you apart again, but if you help her build a foundation of iman, then the regret will eventually come on its own. Your job is only to give her dawah and Allah will do the rest. I'm sure she already knows that what she's done is wrong, but she just doesn't feel its wrong and that's an issue of iman and taqwa. Look at the root of the problem, not the effects.
    Okay, I understand what you're saying. All I can do is try my best to help her and advise her in order to bring her closer to Islam and just maintain a good relationship with her.
    | Likes keiv liked this post

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    keiv's Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    I’m on my phone at the moment and haven’t read through everything but I browsed through the last couple of posts.

    It’s important for you guys not to cut off ties with her. Whether you guys like or hate what she did is irrelevant at this point. She has kids and both her and the kids will need your families support considering the father is not a Muslim. If anything, she’ll need you guys now more than anything whether she realizes it or not.

    Having said that, do not use her past or even her kids against her as a way to make her feel bad. Shes aware of her situation and does not need to be reminded of it. Harming her emotionally will not erase what she has done and will only raise tensions between her and the rest of the family.

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    Tann76's Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by keiv View Post
    I’m on my phone at the moment and haven’t read through everything but I browsed through the last couple of posts.

    It’s important for you guys not to cut off ties with her. Whether you guys like or hate what she did is irrelevant at this point. She has kids and both her and the kids will need your families support considering the father is not a Muslim. If anything, she’ll need you guys now more than anything whether she realizes it or not.

    Having said that, do not use her past or even her kids against her as a way to make her feel bad. Shes aware of her situation and does not need to be reminded of it. Harming her emotionally will not erase what she has done and will only raise tensions between her and the rest of the family.
    I understand that but how am I supposed to start a relationship with her again? I'm not just gonna be like 'oh hey how are you? Etc' and act all happy like nothing's ever happened.

    Okay. But she seems like she's done nothing wrong, she acts like she doesn't care. She knows how its hurt the family but she isn't saying like I know I've messed up, I hope you can forgive me etc.
    Theres things that the family have caused her to be angry or whatever and move out. And she was told to get married after uni, and whether they were forcing her to im not sure. But I guess she only wanted to marry her BF and even though the family wouldnt have approved, she didnt tell anyone about it. But regardless she would've went to be with the person anyway.
    But ultimately, she had two babies before marriage and still isn't married and the person might not even be a Muslim or not a Muslim like our family.

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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tann76 View Post
    I understand that but how am I supposed to start a relationship with her again? I'm not just gonna be like 'oh hey how are you? Etc' and act all happy like nothing's ever happened.

    Okay. But she seems like she's done nothing wrong, she acts like she doesn't care. She knows how its hurt the family but she isn't saying like I know I've messed up, I hope you can forgive me etc.
    Theres things that the family have caused her to be angry or whatever and move out. And she was told to get married after uni, and whether they were forcing her to im not sure. But I guess she only wanted to marry her BF and even though the family wouldnt have approved, she didnt tell anyone about it. But regardless she would've went to be with the person anyway.
    But ultimately, she had two babies before marriage and still isn't married and the person might not even be a Muslim or not a Muslim like our family.
    The past is the past now. You have to remember that no matter how harshly you're judging her right now, her ultimate judgement is with Allah. We don't know why she did what she did, but this was unfortunately her destiny. It's not too late for her to change her ways, and even the worst people of the world found Islam and Allah pardoned them, so there's no reason for you to feel like she won't change. If Allah chooses to guide her, He will, but this is a test for you. Furthermore, if you cut of your ties with her, no deed that you have done since then will be accepted. So you have to hold your negative actions and judgements towards her accountable and hate them just as much as you're judging her for her actions. Secondly, you've said that you weren't born in a religious household, and it seems that your family would have strongly reacted had she opened up to them earlier, so all of this is something to take into account. Just because you were both raised in the same household doesn't mean that it will affect you the exact same way. I have siblings too and our imans are all on different levels. Your sister might be hurting inside but not show it as a defense mechanism. At the end of the day, Allah will not ask you about what she's done with her life, but what you've done with yours.
    What to do about this situation about my sister?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Tann76's Avatar
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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    The past is the past now. You have to remember that no matter how harshly you're judging her right now, her ultimate judgement is with Allah. We don't know why she did what she did, but this was unfortunately her destiny. It's not too late for her to change her ways, and even the worst people of the world found Islam and Allah pardoned them, so there's no reason for you to feel like she won't change. If Allah chooses to guide her, He will, but this is a test for you. Furthermore, if you cut of your ties with her, no deed that you have done since then will be accepted. So you have to hold your negative actions and judgements towards her accountable and hate them just as much as you're judging her for her actions. Secondly, you've said that you weren't born in a religious household, and it seems that your family would have strongly reacted had she opened up to them earlier, so all of this is something to take into account. Just because you were both raised in the same household doesn't mean that it will affect you the exact same way. I have siblings too and our imans are all on different levels. Your sister might be hurting inside but not show it as a defense mechanism. At the end of the day, Allah will not ask you about what she's done with her life, but what you've done with yours.
    I'm not trying judge her so much. I'm just stating facts and the consequences of her choices. But I'm just saying in my opinion, shes done alot of wrong, everything is on her, shes not a good person because shes just naturally selfish and she likes to be self entitled. The fact that she wasnt even planning on telling anyone when she was pregnant, and when she did it was 4 months after and even with her second child it was 7 months after. It just shows that even after knowing how its affected family and the consequences, she doesn't even feel remorse or tried to make things better with her family. I dont hate her but I hate the way she's been acting about it and its affected our family especially my dad, he tried to kill himself. Everyone thinks that she planned this, like she planned to move out right so she can be more independent and start a family and thought if I have a kid I can get housing etc... At the end of the day, shes made those decisions and only Allah can judge and hold her accountable for her sins. That's true but it's been a while up until now and nothing's changed. She can always change only if she wants to but we dont know if it's ever gonna happen.

    What do you mean my family would have reacted as strongly as if she had opened up earlier. Well my parents are more religious than us, but i would say we're strict enough to stay away from major things.

    I understand that but all us siblings are pretty similar in terms of faith, and you're saying she might have a higher imaan then me but I havent done what shes done and Im here trying to seek knowledge and guidance. I'm going to keep a distant relationship with her for now.

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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    @Tann76 - there are some people who will put what they want ahead of everything, including break their own family, trust, and even ruining lives. While not caring in the slighest or even feeling a pinch of remorse. Such a person has thrown around 20 years (I'm guessing) of love, investment, trust of her parents down for her own pleasure. While some Muslim parents are protective of their daughters, her parents gave her freedom and trust and she betrayed it completely.

    Do you think such a person will change and is it really worth your time to do it? I am not going to be the compassionate guy like others here her.

    You have your own life to worry about. Her sins are not for you to carry. And remember she contacted you, you think you're going to bring her to your side, when it is possible the opposite can happen. She can very well encourage you to follow her lifestyle.So my advice is: Keep away from her, and don't talk with her.

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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousonTruth View Post
    Do you think such a person will change and is it really worth your time to do it? I am not going to be the compassionate guy like others here her.
    It's not about being compassionate. It's about following Allah's laws of maintaining ties of kinship. If you have shortcomings in your iman in not being able to do that, then don't give ill advice and promote something which Allah swt warns us against.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tann76 View Post
    That's true but it's been a while up until now and nothing's changed. She can always change only if she wants to but we dont know if it's ever gonna happen.
    Well you'll never know until you actually try.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tann76 View Post
    What do you mean my family would have reacted as strongly as if she had opened up earlier. Well my parents are more religious than us, but i would say we're strict enough to stay away from major things.
    I meant that she may have been afraid to tell your family about her private life because of how they would react, so she did things her own way. If there was openness in the relationship beforehand, her actions may have been prevented.


    Quote Originally Posted by Tann76 View Post
    I understand that but all us siblings are pretty similar in terms of faith, and you're saying she might have a higher imaan then me but I havent done what shes done and Im here trying to seek knowledge and guidance. I'm going to keep a distant relationship with her for now.
    I didn't say she has a higher iman than you. I'm saying you need to focus on YOU and not her actions. if you hate her actions, then with that same energy you need to find strength to talk to her and maintain some sort of relationship so that YOU are not sinning by cutting ties. Right now by choosing not to speak with her, any good deeds you're doing are not getting accepted, so if you think about it, what's the point? to maintain your pride? Well even that will drag you to hellfire.
    What to do about this situation about my sister?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    It's not about being compassionate. It's about following Allah's laws of maintaining ties of kinship. If you have shortcomings in your iman in not being able to do that, then don't give ill advice and promote something which Allah swt warns us against.
    I think you need to calm down with the fatwas. There is nothing bad about staying from from evil influence, it is for her own sake. I thankfully don't have a sister, but I stay far away from my secular cousins and that's why I am free from their lifestyle.

    We are talking about someone who threw everything her father gave to her, for a short fling with some guy. This is a person of great evil, who would have been punished harshly under Islam. And instead what you are saying the OP should be having a working relation with her. One bad apple is enough to corrupt many.

    So I repeat, OP, stay clear of that sister. Or she will bring you to her lifestyle.

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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousonTruth View Post
    I think you need to calm down with the fatwas. There is nothing bad about staying from from evil influence, it is for her own sake. I thankfully don't have a sister, but I stay far away from my secular cousins and that's why I am free from their lifestyle.

    We are talking about someone who threw everything her father gave to her, for a short fling with some guy. This is a person of great evil, who would have been punished harshly under Islam. And instead what you are saying the OP should be having a working relation with her. One bad apple is enough to corrupt many.

    So I repeat, OP, stay clear of that sister. Or she will bring you to her lifestyle.
    I don't say that, Islam says it. So maybe you should put your ego away and not speak out of opinion. Again, if you're a weak person who doesn't know how to differentiate between what Islam teaches and your own opinion, I suggest you don't advise others based on your limitations. She's not staying away from her sister because she believes she is a bad influence, but because she is upset by her actions which has hurt her family. There's a way to maintain a relationship with your family without being influenced by them, unfortunately it seems you don't know how to do that.
    What to do about this situation about my sister?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    It's not about being compassionate. It's about following Allah's laws of maintaining ties of kinship. If you have shortcomings in your iman in not being able to do that, then don't give ill advice and promote something which Allah swt warns us against.



    Well you'll never know until you actually try.



    I meant that she may have been afraid to tell your family about her private life because of how they would react, so she did things her own way. If there was openness in the relationship beforehand, her actions may have been prevented.




    I didn't say she has a higher iman than you. I'm saying you need to focus on YOU and not her actions. if you hate her actions, then with that same energy you need to find strength to talk to her and maintain some sort of relationship so that YOU are not sinning by cutting ties. Right now by choosing not to speak with her, any good deeds you're doing are not getting accepted, so if you think about it, what's the point? to maintain your pride? Well even that will drag you to hellfire.
    Yeah I understand she was scared to say anything but eventually she would have to right or it would be found out. Even though she was afraid, she should've spoke about it to someone, didnt have to be parents she could have spoke to her other siblings.
    I know, I understand that. But isnt what she did much worse than me not talking to her willingly?(as in not willingly texting her or going to see but rather if she contacted me or came to my house, then I'd talk but it only be small talk)

    And what about maintaining a relationship with a brother who physically abused you?
    Why on earth should anyone want to keep a relationship with that kind of sick disgusting person?

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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tann76 View Post
    And what about maintaining a relationship with a brother who physically abused you?
    Why on earth should anyone want to keep a relationship with that kind of sick disgusting person?
    Completely different situation. Different rulings. I wouldn't compare the two at all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tann76 View Post
    Yeah I understand she was scared to say anything but eventually she would have to right or it would be found out. Even though she was afraid, she should've spoke about it to someone, didnt have to be parents she could have spoke to her other siblings.
    I know, I understand that. But isnt what she did much worse than me not talking to her willingly?(as in not willingly texting her or going to see but rather if she contacted me or came to my house, then I'd talk but it only be small talk)
    Small talk is fine. You don't have to be best friends. What she did is terrible, don't get me wrong. I know seeing your parents be heartbroken and in pain is also affecting everyone. But you all need to move forward. Something has to change otherwise the misery continues. Also the thing with her children is that they will need some proper guidance in their life, and you have the opportunity to help them be good worshippers to Allah, so why not take that opportunity? Just because the mom is a terrible muslim doesn't meant that her children will be or should be. In regards to her telling someone about her sins, she has the right not to tell or expose any of her sins, i mean obviously there's physical display that she's done what she's done by having children out of it, but I assume there was some shame or fear there in her not having said anything in the first place. At the end of the day, the only way you will really know why she did what she did is to have an honest conversation about it with her. And if you don't care to know, then you have to move past it. Had Allah wanted to punish her right away, he would've taken her life. So he is giving her a chance, another day to change. You can be an agent of change for her or you can just sit on the sidelines and see everyone around you suffering. Even if she doesn't listen to you or change her ways, at least in the eyes of Allah, you tried your best. And that's all it's about in the end.
    What to do about this situation about my sister?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?


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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    To be honest I grew up in a similar cultural family, who in many aspects views cultural above Islam, for example like marriage, yes breaking up kinship and family ties is bad but its also very sad and destructive to not let your kids get married to whom they love, as long as they are good practicing Muslim, then there shouldn't be a problem, like I. My self loved this black women she was beautiful and I went to the sheikh with her and the shiekh said yes speak to your dad and get married to her, I had a feeling my dad would say no, and I asked my dad wallahi he has the backhome mentality just like your parents that only our own are good and trustworthy and my dad said no, it's gonna break up the family and u know how the girls in the west are as I agree girls here last shorter then backhome but that's not. Always the case and wallahi i kinda feel your old sisters pain, she reached an age where she wanted marriage and halal sex and there is nothing wrong marrying a black person, one of the closest sahaba to the prophet peace be upon him was Bilal radillaho anho who was black. Your sister shouldn't of got pregnant yet she should of Atleast tried to tell your mom first that she loves the black brother and wants to marry him and have kids but I guess she knew the answer just like I did they our parents will never listen so it's better we just go with it which is also wrong, walahi parents especially Asian parents needs to sit with their kids and let them know what their kids want ahead of the age of 20 because when the hormones kicks in and parents keep ignoring these topics then they will end up disappointed. So to be honest your sis is not the only one to blame but rather its your sis and your Parents. Mistakes happen and now you can't udno what's done, so I say stay close to your sister and try to rebuild the connection between your self and her and between your parents and your sis and don't forget to make dua because Allah can change hearts. May Allah make it easy for you and your family Ameen.

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    Re: What to do about this situation about my sister?

    Quote Originally Posted by SilentPain View Post
    To be honest I grew up in a similar cultural family, who in many aspects views cultural above Islam, for example like marriage, yes breaking up kinship and family ties is bad but its also very sad and destructive to not let your kids get married to whom they love, as long as they are good practicing Muslim, then there shouldn't be a problem, like I. My self loved this black women she was beautiful and I went to the sheikh with her and the shiekh said yes speak to your dad and get married to her, I had a feeling my dad would say no, and I asked my dad wallahi he has the backhome mentality just like your parents that only our own are good and trustworthy and my dad said no, it's gonna break up the family and u know how the girls in the west are as I agree girls here last shorter then backhome but that's not. Always the case and wallahi i kinda feel your old sisters pain, she reached an age where she wanted marriage and halal sex and there is nothing wrong marrying a black person, one of the closest sahaba to the prophet peace be upon him was Bilal radillaho anho who was black. Your sister shouldn't of got pregnant yet she should of Atleast tried to tell your mom first that she loves the black brother and wants to marry him and have kids but I guess she knew the answer just like I did they our parents will never listen so it's better we just go with it which is also wrong, walahi parents especially Asian parents needs to sit with their kids and let them know what their kids want ahead of the age of 20 because when the hormones kicks in and parents keep ignoring these topics then they will end up disappointed. So to be honest your sis is not the only one to blame but rather its your sis and your Parents. Mistakes happen and now you can't udno what's done, so I say stay close to your sister and try to rebuild the connection between your self and her and between your parents and your sis and don't forget to make dua because Allah can change hearts. May Allah make it easy for you and your family Ameen.
    Yeah I understand, culture is a big thing especially in asian families. My parents aren't to blame for my sister's wrongdoings, she made her own choices so that's on her. But yeah maybe my parents could've done better in some ways, but the way they are like not being very open minded etc that's just not gonna change is it? Its almost every asian families parents mindsets that are like this, but there's just not much we can do about it can we?
    After she graduated, my parents wanted her to get married. She says she was forced to get married, but she wasn't, my parents wouldnt do that. They never forced my brothers to get married, they just told them but I guess she just felt the pressure of it and wanted to get away so she did, on top of a few other reasons to. But whatever hardships she went through, it wasnt an excuse to commit zina was it? Yeah she's not the strongest in faith but so am I, yet Ive been through struggles and still know what what's wrong and right and to not commit them.

    Yeah she knew that my parents wouldnt approve if she wanted to be with a black person, so she did things her own way but looks where its gotten to now? But if she wanted it so badly she should've told them or a sibling and fought for the person she wanted, but that person isn't even a good practicing Muslim, they might not even be a Muslim at all which is worse.

    I feel more sorry for my Dad than her, because she made many mistakes knowingly without really caring much and it affected him so much and hes heartbroken. Yes my parents are old fashioned etc but thats just how they are. She was old and wise enough to know what's right and she could've tried to do the right thing. I'm sure she realised the consequences of it, yet she still did it anyway.

    At the end of the day, shes the one who committed zina and has 2 kids without being married. It's her fault. She acts like shes done nothing wrong and doesn't feel so bad about it. She says the best thing ever to happen to her are her kids. And I understand that but the way she went about it was really wrong, she couldve still had kids after marriage and we all would've been happier and more at peace now.

    Now all I can do is maintain a relationship with her and I'll try but I havent had a relationship with her for 3 years. And to be honest, I just don't really care much, I don't have any feelings towards her anymore. But we'll see how it goes, maybe I'll try to care again and help her but I'm not too sure how to do that as I'm not the most islamic person right now.

    Also I'm just curious, only if you want to say, but what happened in your situation? Are you married to that person now or to someone else, did your parents ever accept and do you regret anything?


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