× Register Login What's New! Contact us
Page 1 of 2 1 2 Last
Results 1 to 20 of 32 visibility 866
  1. #1
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Dealing with a control freak

    Report bad ads?

    What would you guys do in this situation... How would you tackle this..

    X is the youngest child married with kids. Xs marriage broke down so his kids have moved out with their mother. X is the youngest so lives with his mum in their family home. X however assumes full control to the extent he stops his mother's close relations from entering their house. X has not worked or contributed in any ways shape or form towards the home he thinks he has full control over. Doesn't even have a bill in his name at said property. Reasoning with this individual is a no go. Starts getting abusive and throwing a tantrum. What can be done in this situation. The only solution is to involve the authorities and get him mentally assessed but this is a taboo in our community. "honour"
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  2. Report bad ads?
  3. #2
    *charisma*'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    I am a traveler, May Jannah be my home ameen
    Gender
    Female
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    4,890
    Threads
    197
    Reputation
    50462
    Rep Power
    123
    Likes (Given)
    1263
    Likes (Received)
    2944

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    however assumes full control to the extent he stops his mother's close relations from entering their house.
    Can you elaborate here please? What do you mean by close relations?


    He should be treating his mother with kindness and helping out. It may be that he is stressed out due to his failed marriage and him losing out on his kids. He probably feels defeated and depressed and wants to be alone.
    Dealing with a control freak

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

  4. #3
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Close relations as in his mothers son in laws and grandchildren. His nephews and brother in laws..

    The irony is he welcomes his own children despite them moving with their mother. They're actually adults now so are mature enough to have made an informed decision. Yet if any other grand children visit their grandma's house he'll force them to leave before they can even step foot inside. For the record the people he denies entry have done more for their grandmother than he has living with his mum. If anything he has been a burden and i have on numerous occasions heard speak of his mother in a derogatory manner blaming her for his failings..
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  5. #4
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    As an example x has failed to maintain the family home despite assuming full control. If anybody mentions something regarding bringing the property upto a habitable standard he takes offence. As a family his mother ia an elder and close to me and my parents. We pity at the state of the conditions she has to put up with. If x really is the man all ruling party of the house why should he take offence at somoene sincerely questioning the living conditions of a senior family person ie his mum.

    He takes offence at people stating facts even though it's not in any way ill intended. He has created numerous rifts and takes pride in coercing people who has a degree of control over by brainwashing them with his train of thought.
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  6. Report bad ads?
  7. #5
    'Abdullah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,260
    Threads
    40
    Reputation
    1822
    Rep Power
    8
    Likes (Given)
    211
    Likes (Received)
    448

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    It appears the son does not own the house, does not pay the bills and help with anything else in maintaining the house. It also appears that he is not the only child. It also appear the father has passed away or may be does not live with them any more? Does he allows his other siblings to come in the house? Do other siblings know about this issue? Can the mother live at her own or with someone else in the family?

  8. #6
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    He grudgingly allows the other siblings but kicks up a fuss at their presence. Doesn't allow his siblings kids in as although their his sisters kids his logic is that his brother in law doesn't own the property.. Lame logic i know.

    There's 5 siblings and all apart from him have no problem with any family members visiting. In sub con culture the youngest normally keeps the family home and he's claiming full control on this basis despite having not paid a single bill to my knowledge. If it came to legalities he wouldn't be able to probably claim his share of the house let alone complete ownership. He stops his nephews visiting on the basis that their not allowed whilst he's there. Utterly unfair given that he's one of 5 siblings and more importantly his mother allah preserve her has no issue in anybody visiting.
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  9. #7
    'Abdullah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,260
    Threads
    40
    Reputation
    1822
    Rep Power
    8
    Likes (Given)
    211
    Likes (Received)
    448

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Is there a Will written down? If it is, please make sure that it is written in accordance to Islamic laws and not according to the cultural belief system. One will be sinful for not giving the inheritance in accordance to Islam.
    Is his father still alive?
    I suggest that the matter shall be discussed with older siblings, the inheritance shall be divided in accordance to Islamic laws for inheritance. Sell the house and give everyone the share they get according to Islamic laws for inheritance and let her mom move with someone who is more reasonable in her kids and who can take care of her needs while keeping the ties of kinship with other family members.
    Last edited by 'Abdullah; 6 Days Ago at 11:47 PM.

  10. #8
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    A will is in place but its more about the present
    Yes the father has passed on and the property is in the name of the mother. It seems utterly unfair and unjust that x can control who can and can't enter. Frankly if the authorities got involved they would well and truly put x in his place. We would rather not take that route but with every passing day it's looking all the more inevitable.
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  11. #9
    'Abd-al Latif's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    3,635
    Threads
    343
    Reputation
    39364
    Rep Power
    102
    Likes (Given)
    520
    Likes (Received)
    1762

    Dealing with a control freak

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    What would you guys do in this situation... How would you tackle this..

    X is the youngest child married with kids. Xs marriage broke down so his kids have moved out with their mother. X is the youngest so lives with his mum in their family home. X however assumes full control to the extent he stops his mother's close relations from entering their house. X has not worked or contributed in any ways shape or form towards the home he thinks he has full control over. Doesn't even have a bill in his name at said property. Reasoning with this individual is a no go. Starts getting abusive and throwing a tantrum. What can be done in this situation. The only solution is to involve the authorities and get him mentally assessed but this is a taboo in our community. "honour"
    With the limited information that you’ve shared (including your other posts on this thread), it tells me a few things:

    1- The breakdown of his marriage and not being able to see his kids as frequently as he would probably like, likely makes him feel like his life is out of control. He probably feels very ashamed about his failed marriage (shame will only perpetuate the problem) and is likely making him feel as though his life is not settled, that life is just chaotic. I’m guessing he’s probably very stressed out most of the time and to you, it’ll probably look like he’s stressed for no reason. You might observe him as spending a lot of time playing games or doing whatever idle activities to pass the time. This is his way of avoiding reality because to him, the alternative is misery and stress. Wanting to control what happens in his home probably makes him feel like he has some control over his own life and he probably can’t see that he is harming himself and others.

    2- he may need to talk to someone about his issues to process his experiences and emotions to allow him to heal. He sounds like he’s very lonely, insecure and hurt inside and the best way forward, in my view, is to give him the support he needs to move past his troubles. Penalising him is likely to make him more distant and hostile. Seeing a therapist/councillor may help him manage his emotions and allow him to see how is behaviour is effecting him and those around him. Remember: hurt people, hurt people. Unless this is resolved, he’s going to continue behaving in this way.

    3- obviously, if you feel that you are at risk of harm then you may need to get the authorities involved. You’re best places to know this.

    If you want Islamic advice:

    a - Allah has called familial/blood ties as 'rahm'. This word is derived from Allah's name Al-Rahmaan. Allah said that whoever maintains the ties of kinship will have His rahma (mercy) and whoever cuts ties will be deprived of His rahma.

    b- Your family member needs support and this is your test. You cannot control what he says or does but you can control your responses. Stay calm and patient, try not to take things personally or rationalise his behaviour because he needs to work through them. Your response should be with kindness and mercy.

    c- be fair and just with him, regardless of how angry he makes you. Allah says “and let not the enmity and hatred of others make you avoid justice. Be just: that is nearer to piety” [al-Maa’idah 5:8].
    Last edited by 'Abd-al Latif; 6 Days Ago at 10:40 AM.
    Dealing with a control freak

    And verily for everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him.”
    [Related by Ibn al-Qayyim in ad-Dâ' wad-Dawâ Fasl 49]



  12. Report bad ads?
  13. #10
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    I was very close to the individual until very recently. I used to often be an outlet for him to get things odd his chest. It's patently obvious the breakdown in his marriage has had an adverse affect on his wellbeing and i fully understand that. During the course of our many conversations it was always a case of scapegoating others for his unfortunate circumstances. Wallahi i nor anyone else that he stops from visiting house take any joy from his predicament. I would rather be dead than take joy in another's misfortune. However in his mind he sees me and others who have the best interest of his mother primarily at heary as his enemies.
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  14. #11
    'Abd-al Latif's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    3,635
    Threads
    343
    Reputation
    39364
    Rep Power
    102
    Likes (Given)
    520
    Likes (Received)
    1762

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    I was very close to the individual until very recently. I used to often be an outlet for him to get things odd his chest. It's patently obvious the breakdown in his marriage has had an adverse affect on his wellbeing and i fully understand that. During the course of our many conversations it was always a case of scapegoating others for his unfortunate circumstances. Wallahi i nor anyone else that he stops from visiting house take any joy from his predicament. I would rather be dead than take joy in another's misfortune. However in his mind he sees me and others who have the best interest of his mother primarily at heary as his enemies.
    Everyone will be his enemy right now because he is carrying a lot of hurt. It's not easy being a single parent, especially when you feel like a disappointment to your entire family because of the breakdown of your relationship. Don't take this personally. Give him the time and space that he needs until he comes forward voluntarily to talk to you. Remember: he needs to work through his issues.

    Edit:

    I would suggest giving him the offer to listen to what he says without bias or judgement. Put this offer on the table and let him decide if and when he wants to take it. This way he won't feel pressured to accept an offer when he's not prepared.

    One of the best things you can do for him right now is to simply listen to him when he wants to talk, without giving him any advice or judging him. I suspect he feels he's not being heard, hence his angry outbursts. Keep in mind that working on yourself takes a lot of effort and accepting that he may have made mistakes that led to the breakdown of his relationship is a very bitter pill to swallow. He might not be ready to hear or accept this at this moment in time. He will need to accept it eventually before he moves on to another relationship inshaa'Allah.
    Last edited by 'Abd-al Latif; 6 Days Ago at 10:41 AM.
    Dealing with a control freak

    And verily for everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him.”
    [Related by Ibn al-Qayyim in ad-Dâ' wad-Dawâ Fasl 49]



  15. #12
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Its been several years and people who actually respects have spoken to him and have hit a brick wall. He apportions blame on others and one day it will be his ex wife the next day will be someone else.

    I think his past the stage of entering another relationship and without being nasty it's a miracle his previous relationship lasted as long as it did given his underlying issues whatever they may be.
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  16. #13
    'Abdullah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,260
    Threads
    40
    Reputation
    1822
    Rep Power
    8
    Likes (Given)
    211
    Likes (Received)
    448

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    How old is this guy?
    When did he divorce/ how many years ago?
    What he does for his living?
    Did he make any property of his own or has been a burden on his wife and family?
    How old are his kids?

  17. #14
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    His closer to 60 than 40...
    Never really worked for the last 3 decades as far as i can remember. Struggles to maintain relationships. One day he'll be ok with someone then he'll become enemies of the same people over an entirely non issue.
    Never owned a property and lived off government benefits most of his life.
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  18. Report bad ads?
  19. #15
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Kids are all adults and have had enough of the behaviour. He's even stopped his own kids from entering the house. Has been known to possess a vile tongue and intimidates people by forcing the ills of people he dislikes down others throats. If they disagree he'll cut ties with them too. A very extreme personality. No grey areas everything's black or white
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  20. #16
    'Abd-al Latif's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    3,635
    Threads
    343
    Reputation
    39364
    Rep Power
    102
    Likes (Given)
    520
    Likes (Received)
    1762

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    He has life regrets if he’s closer to 60. He needs a lot of help from his family. I’ll respond shortly inshaaAllah.
    Dealing with a control freak

    And verily for everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him.”
    [Related by Ibn al-Qayyim in ad-Dâ' wad-Dawâ Fasl 49]



  21. #17
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    I feel guilty that I've not been able to help him and now he's turned on me. Wallahi this is soul destroying on so many levels. Thank you for your input. Jazakallah
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!

  22. #18
    'Abd-al Latif's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    3,635
    Threads
    343
    Reputation
    39364
    Rep Power
    102
    Likes (Given)
    520
    Likes (Received)
    1762

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    I feel guilty that I've not been able to help him and now he's turned on me. Wallahi this is soul destroying on so many levels. Thank you for your input. Jazakallah
    As I’ve mentioned earlier, he’s carrying a lot of hurt and you should try not to take things personally. It’s very difficult, I know but you’ve got to remember that these are his issues that he needs to work on.
    Dealing with a control freak

    And verily for everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him.”
    [Related by Ibn al-Qayyim in ad-Dâ' wad-Dawâ Fasl 49]



  23. #19
    'Abdullah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,260
    Threads
    40
    Reputation
    1822
    Rep Power
    8
    Likes (Given)
    211
    Likes (Received)
    448

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    Kids are all adults and have had enough of the behaviour. He's even stopped his own kids from entering the house. Has been known to possess a vile tongue and intimidates people by forcing the ills of people he dislikes down others throats. If they disagree he'll cut ties with them too. A very extreme personality. No grey areas everything's black or white
    I assume that was his behavior with his relatives including his mother even before divorce? And probably the cause of his divorce as well?

  24. Report bad ads?
  25. #20
    anonymous's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Gender
    Undisclosed
    Religion
    Undisclosed
    Posts
    3,951
    Threads
    1447
    Reputation
    2208
    Rep Power
    0
    Likes (Given)
    61
    Likes (Received)
    184

    Re: Dealing with a control freak

    Yes behaviour has been apparent for a long time
    Dealing with a control freak

    IB Forum Anonymous Account.
    Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.

    Abuse of the Anonymous System will NOT be tolerated!


  26. Hide
Page 1 of 2 1 2 Last
Hey there! Dealing with a control freak Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, we remember exactly what you've read, so you always come right back where you left off. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and share your thoughts. Dealing with a control freak
Sign Up

Similar Threads

  1. should i act like a freak?
    By AnonymousPoster in forum Advice & Support
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 03-18-2009, 08:57 PM
  2. i cant control my self...
    By arabianprincess in forum Advice & Support
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 06-28-2008, 11:07 AM
  3. How are you dealing with it?
    By جوري in forum General
    Replies: 39
    Last Post: 10-04-2006, 07:40 AM
  4. God is in control
    By glo in forum General
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 09-21-2006, 07:47 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
create