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  1. #1
    hisnameiszzz's Avatar
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    Still Stuck In A Rut

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    Eid Mubarak,

    I hope everyone is keeping well.

    I am sure some of the long term posters will remember me. I'm just after some advice please.

    My predicament is still the same. We still have the jaheel family next door who are making our life unbearable. We've still not moved out as Mum and brother seem to have an excuse for everything when it comes to me making suggestions. I did make progress and made an offer on a house but it fell through after the survey stage - there was too much work that needed doing and the vendor would not reduce the price. We applied to the local authority to see if Mum would be able to get a bungalow (none other than Council ones in our area) but they said no because they can put in a stairlift for us to make this house more suitable to her. Mum and brother's health has really deteriorated - more of that below.

    Anyway, I digress.

    My question is this. Would it be wrong of me to move out and leave my Mum and brother and other family member? I was made to go on some counselling as my manager noticed I was always on edge and down. Apparently I am the carer for my family. I thought I was just being a son but apparently I am doing everything for them hence should therefore be their carer. They've planted the seed in my head than I should up and move as it is affecting my mental health, and that carers could come and check and look after the family.

    My mind is saying pack up and run but my heart is saying no. Mum is elderly and frail. She's down to her last few teeth and weighs about 6 stones. Her arthritis is really bad now and she struggles to open doors as her wrists have packed up. She's gone from being a competent woman who did everything to not being able to get her tablets out of their pack and it's really upsetting for her. My brother had an implant to help with his urine problem but that was not successful and he has now been using catheters for about 10 years. I can only imagine how debilitating this is. His depression has really taken over and it is a struggle to even get him to for a walk. There are days when he just sits in silence and won't even talk. There is also another family member who I care for.

    I know you are all probably thinking what a complete *******, but I am at breaking point. Although there are other family members, they have married and moved out and seem to think it's my responsibility as I am not married and still at home. I cook, I clean, I do all the appointment runs, I work part time. I can't cope with the caring, the emotional support and living next to these jaheel lot. If it was just one or the other, I would be fine and would cope but I can't do all of them at once. My life so monotonous - get out of bed, clean, cook, appointments runs, help family members do things, cook, help family members do things, go to bed, not sleep due to door slams, roll around in bed, rinse, repeat.

    What would you do? One of my friends said move out but stay local so you can still help out. The thing is if I moved out, I don't think I would want to. I am sorry if I sound really selfish, I am not. It's just this has taken over my life and I am so down all the time.

    Please can someone advise? I'm not after sympathy as I know there are millions of people out there who are in worse conditions but I just need some ideas if you don't mind. Also, do any of you have any remedies for sleep issues? Everything prescribed by my GP hasn't worked.

    PS. On a positive note, all the money that was owed to me by the crook has now been repaid to me.

    PPS. Are all these tests because I am a really bad person?

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    hisnameiszzz's Avatar
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    Re: Still Stuck In A Rut

    PPPS. Whenever I mention moving house to Mum, she goes down the whole "you are so weak, it's just noise, there are people out there who have no roof over their head" blah blah blah. She's like the typical elderly Indian woman. It just breaks my heart to see her so scared everytime they bang and slam things next door. She tries to put on a brave face but even I know she gets little sleep as she is always nodding off in the front room.

    The thing is, she is such a lovely woman and goes out of her way to help anyone and everyone and I just don't get why she has to suffer like this. When it is Ramadhan or people from the village in India are struggling, they always contact her as she will always help out. Like for example, she heard on the receiver that people in Africa only had chance to eat meat when people did Qurbani, so on the spot, she said "contact them, I will do 2 cows there" - that's on top of the 8 other cows she's done. Bless her.

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    BeTheChange's Avatar
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    Re: Still Stuck In A Rut

    Asalamualykum

    Is it possible to have sleep overs at cousins or family members house so at least you are getting your good quality sleep which will help your mental and emotional wellbeing?

    Reach out to family members. Let them know you are struggling and need some help even if it is once a week so you can have some respite.
    | Likes hisnameiszzz liked this post
    Still Stuck In A Rut

    Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
    Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.

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    Re: Still Stuck In A Rut

    Assalamu Alaikum

    There are many capable carers out there who would help you care for your family. If you need a break, there is nothing wrong with hiring one temporarily or even periodically! You shouldn't feel guilty about it. You have to have self-love too and to take care of yourself. It might feel selfish to you at first, but you are not a machine. Even nurses take shifts and breaks when it is their job to take care of others.

    As for sleep...if your mind is wound up with anxiety and restlessness, no pills will actually help tbh. You have to find healthy ways to release your anxiety and stress. There's nothing wrong with asking for help once in a while.
    | Likes BlessedHijabi liked this post
    Still Stuck In A Rut

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it


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