assalamalaykem brothers and sisters.
please do not criticize for i know this is a horrible story i am about to tell you, but please help me look into the future and figure out what i can do. im losing hope and i feel all alone here in this world.
i grew up very sheltered in the states. i am of desi background. since i was 13, my mother always told me i would have to marry my cousin. 13,14,15,16 etc i grew older and i kept hearing this and it would scare me, but my mother would always intimidate me that i would be killing her if i said no. i grew up in a very strict and cultural household, and my parents were verbally abusive, as unfortunately many desi parents can be. especially with the emotional background. i have been quite overweight and my mother would say oh who will want to marry you, you look like an old lady with that body, and my father would always yell and curse at me.
when i was 19 she said i had to fly to pakistan and marry my cousin. i didnt want to, as i have grown up in the states and he in pakistan, and he is 9 or 10 years older than me, and i screamed and begged my parents not to make me. i was doing anything i could to avoid going, takng more summer classes, getting a job and telling my parents they wouldnt give me off.
my parents told me it would just be an engagement and i would not be indebted to marry him. i thought ok, i could do that, so that if it didnt work out i could just call it off. when i got there everyone was excited to see me and treated me like a princess, for the first time i wasnt called fat or people didnt pass me by. i was all set for the engagement, and the day of, my parents said that the grooms family wanted a nikah instead and that i have to say yes-- how could i say no and hurt all these peoples feelings? they pretty much emotiaonlly blackmailed me by saying oh, dont worry he wont come to the states for awhile, etc you dont have to worry about "marrying him" i.e. the rukhsati for a long time. their words-- they told me the nikah would be just like an engagement, i just had to sign a piece of paper.
i know, i know, i should have spoken up, even if there were zillions of people there and my parents honor would have been hurt, i should have said no. but i felt so pressured i didnt say anything. it felt like i was in this dream world in pakistan. i also like i said grew up VERY sheltered in the states and just took my parents word for it.... i guess i always thought everyone in Islam got forced marriages, as my parents was... i didn't know there were other, halal options.
when i came back to the states, it began to hit me, and i realized that i just signed my life away. i have been looking for chemistry/spark/anything with this person and we have nothing. b/c i grew up in the states and he in pakistan, it is like we are from two different worlds.
i dont want to be with him. i feel sick thinking about it. my mother and father are threatening to disown me and never speak to me again if i get a divorce. but its not fair-- you cannot FORCE a person to marry someone. my father says he will curse me for the rest of my life. is this Islamic???? the more they force me, the more resentment i have.
i have no one. my parents HATE me. they have this horrid desi code of honor and they dont even approach things islamiccaly. its against Islam to force a marriage!!!!!
what do i do? it will not be fair to me to live a life that i dont believe in, or to my cousin, who has no idea how miserable i am. but if i get a divorce, i will have no one in my life. if i stay with him, i know i will resent my parents forever, and i know i will just become quiet.... i will just be jealous of everyone who did not have a forced marriage
my parents say if i get a divorce no one will marry me. and that they will leave me too.
please, i am dying here. i hate my life. please i have tried talking with my cousin.... i think i just resent the whole situation and i feel absolutely nothing toward him. its not islamically invalid not to have feelings or not to be attracted to him. i feel like my life has been robbed from me
also how do i deal with my parents... their verbal abuse kills me, my father says he could care less if i died, my mother says i am worthless and a misery
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Salam dear sister
What is happening to you is indeed terrible. I will be praying for you. According to Islamic law, your parents cannot force you to marry someone against your wishes. It is haraam. It is plain unacceptable. It may be really hard for you, but if you dont want to marry him, you must tell them that you cant marry the guy. You have to speak up - in a calm and dignified tone of voice of course.
It is a really tough situation sis and I am not a professional counsellor. I suggest that you talk to your local Imaam - or his wife. Explain your situation. What your parents are doing is unfair and not allowed.
Peace
“Verily passion turns kings into slaves, and patience turns slaves into kings…Do you not see the story of Yusuf and Zulaykha?”
Salam
I say lets make a Du aa on this forum for anonymous.
the first thing you do before you even move anywhere is make du aa to Allah(ask God for help)
at the Same time know that Allah is watching and won't leave you to be eaten up- just be patient and have Taqwa, so Allah will grant you from where you don't expect.
When you make your Du aa to Allah start off by praising him, Subhana Allah il ahtheem, Subhan Allah il Haleem etc.
I'll start off the Du aa for you.
-Subhana alathey la yambaghy atasbeh ila lah, subhana Allah al ali al atheem,
-Oh Allah you have the greatest mercy have mercy on your salve, for they have no one but you.
-Oh Allah make ease for your slave as you said with hardship their is ease.
Everyone make du aa and the angles will do so for you,
I'm saddened to hear what you have been through. May Allah have mercy on you. Ameen. I have gathered some information to help you make a stance for your rights according to Islam inshaAllah. I hope it's helpful.
The Quran on Marriage
In Surah Al-Rum Chapter 30, Verse 21 (30:21)
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)”.
In Surah Nisa Chapter 4, Verse 21 (4:21)
The Qur’an refers to marriage as a “Misaq” that is a sacred covenant or agreement between husband and wife.
In Surah Nisa Chapter 4, Verse 19 (4: 19)
“Oh! You who believe, you are forbidden to inherit women against their will!”
***
Consent In Marriage
1) consent of both parties.
2) " Mahr" a gift from the groom to his bride.
3) Witnesses- 2 male or female.
4) The marriage should be publicized, it should never be kept secret as it leads to suspicion and troubles within the community
Coercion does not count as consent. Therefore sis, as you had been forced to sign the marriage contract you will now have to seek legal help to invalidate the Nikah, if your parents do not accept your basic moral and legal right.
Also your husband does not have any moral or legal rights over you, till the time that you give him such rights, with the willingness of your heart. In your circumstances it is not sinful on your part to refuse talking to him or to seek legal help in revoking the said marriage contract.
The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam prohibited forcing a virgin in marriage without her permission, whether by her father or anyone else. Furthermore, `Aa'ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, related that she once asked the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam: "In the case of a young girl whose parents marry her off, should her permission be sought or not?" He sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam replied: "Yes, she must give her permission." She then said: "But a virgin would be shy, O Messenger of Allaah!" He sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam replied: "Her silence is [considered as] her permission." [Al-Bukhaari, Muslim, & Others]
***
Hadith on forced marriage
The Prophet (pbuh) prohibited the practise of forced marriages as completely going against the purpose of marriage as set out in the Quran.
Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam (may Allaah exalt his mention) said: "A non-virgin woman may not be married without her command, and a virgin may not be married without her permission; and enough permission for her is to remain silent (because of her natural shyness)." [Al-Bukhaari, Muslim & Others]
A woman said to the Prophet that her father married her to a relative of his in order to improve his own social standing. He did not ask her views on this marriage before he did it. The Prophet ruled the marriage to be dissolved immediately. The woman said: "Now, messenger of God, I approve of what my father has done. I only wanted that women should know that men have no say in their matrimonial affairs."
ONE day, a beautiful woman by the name of Jameela, daughter of Abi Ibn Salool, came to the assembly of Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) and said to Him: "O prophet of Allah, nothing can make my head and his (her husband's head) to be together in one place." Then she went on to describe how ugly and repulsive she found him to be in appearance. The Prophet asked her if her husband had given her anything as dower. Jameela informed him that he had given her an orchard of dates as her mehr. At this the Prophet asked her if she was ready and willing to return the orchard to him. She replied, "Yes, that and more!" At this he said, "Not more, not more." Then the Prophet sent for her husband, Sabit bin Qais, informed him of his wife's feelings and intention and conducted a divorce between them.
A companion of the Prophet, Mughira bin Shuba, reported that when he intended to marry a certain woman and to send the proposal of marriage to her, the Prophet asked him, "Have you seen her?" The man said "No". The Prophet advised him, "Take a look at her, as this would be more conducive to producing affection, love and pleasant harmony between the two of you". (Musnad Ahmed, Tirmizi, Nisai, Ibn Majah). So love and harmony between the spouses are essential ingredients of a successful marriage.
Once a young woman came to the Prophet and said that her father had married her off as a minor, and that she had obviously not been consulted. The Prophet said that she could leave her husband if she so wished. She replied, "I have no desire to leave him. I simply wanted to know my rights." This was the Prophet's way of honouring the female.
And of His signs is this: He created spouses for you from among yourselves that you might find comfort in them, and He put between you love and mercy. Surely there are signs in that for people who reflect. (Qur'an 30:21)
***
Your Rights To Divorce
According to a narrative reported by Abu Dawood, once when a case of forced marriage was reported to the Prophet (pbuh), he allowed the woman (who was forced into marriage) the option to revoke the marriage, if she desired to do so (Abu Dawood, Kitaab al-Nikah, Narrative No. 1797).
Question (Islam Online)
What are the rights of a woman in Islam to get a divorce from her husband when he has decided not to give divource/khula? He has the intention of keeping her in his grip/want to punish her this way? How she can take khula, when he refuses to give divorce, or when the Qadi (Judge) is not accepting khula? or when the husband is in another country to be available to the local Qadi/court? Answer
If that woman is in a non-Muslim country, she should file for divorce to the court. When she gets the decree of divorce, she can go to an Islamic authority who is knolwedgeable enough to arbitrate with her husband. The resolution he makes becomes valid. If the husband refuses to accept the arbitration, that authority can issue her a divorce certificate and she can marshall the contents of the certificate by herself. She can enforce her rights by the help of the local government.
Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Quran:
"If you fear that they (husband and wife) are not able to keep the limits ordained by Allah, then there is no sin on either of them in that which the wife gives (in lieu of freedom). These are the limits ordained by Allah. And whosoever transgresses the limits of Allah, then such are the wrong-doers."
(Surah Al Baqara verse 229)
Lastly sis, if you proceed with the annulment of this marriage, there will be no sin of disobedience to your parents. Islam has given you this right and as I can see from your situation, there is nothing else for it. Your parents cursing you for doing what Islam permits does not hold in the eyes of Allah. May Allah give your parents hidayah and make matters easy for you. Do what is right in the eyes of Allah, it is Him we shall answer to at the end. Just always be respectful to your parents, even if they are wrong. May Allah have mercy on you and bless you with peace and happiness. Ameen.
format_quote Originally Posted by anis_z24
Salam
I say lets make a Du aa on this forum for anonymous.
the first thing you do before you even move anywhere is make du aa to Allah(ask God for help)
wat u shud do sis is altho treating ur parents wid respect, u v evry ryt to divorce ur cousin. but always rememba neva disrespect ur parents in wateva u do. n i dnt fink its tru dat u wud neva get married das only wat ppl fink.
I got married a short time ago, but I am not happy with my husband. My family forced me to marry him. My problem is that I do not want to have children from him. Is it permissible for me to pray to Allaah not to give me children from him, or is that not permitted? I have read that it is not permissible to use contraceptive pills without the husband’s permission. Is this true?.
Answer :
Praise be to Allaah.
It is not permissible for the guardian, whether he is the father or anyone else, to marry off anyone under his care without her consent, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A previously-married woman has more right concerning herself than her guardian, and the permission of a virgin should be sought (regarding marriage), and her permission is her silence.” Narrated by Muslim, 1421.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No previously-married woman should be married off without being consulted, and no virgin should be married off without asking her permission.” They said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what is her permission?” He said: “If she remains silent.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4843; Muslim, 1419.
Similarly, it is not permissible for a guardian to be stubborn about the marriage of a female under his care, or to prevent her from marrying someone she wants to marry if he is compatible with her. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be fitnah (tribulation) in the land and much corruption.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; classed as hasan by al-Albaani. See also question no. 32580.
With regard to what has happened to you, you have the choice of whether to stay or not. Seek guidance from Allaah (by praying istikhaarah). If you agree to stay in this marriage then all well and good, but if you do not accept to stay with your husband, then you have the right to seek annulment of the marriage, because it took place without your consent.
It was narrated from Khansa’ bint Khizaam al-Ansaariyyah that her father married her off when she had been previously married, and she did not like that. She went to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and he annulled the marriage. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4845. And it was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a virgin girl came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and told him that her father had married her off against her objections. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) gave her the choice. Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2096; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani.
The majority of scholars are of the view that if a woman is married off without her consent, then the marriage contract is invalid, because it is a forbidden contract which cannot be validated. This is the view of the Shaafa’is and Hanbalis.
The view of the Hanafis, which was also narrated in one report from Ahmad, is that the contract is dependent upon the woman’s acceptance. If she gives her consent then it is valid, otherwise she may annul it.
See al-Mughni, 7/364; Fath al-Baari, 9/194
But so long as the court is in charge of marriages, it is better to refer such matters to the court.
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, concerning the matter of a father forcing his daughter to marry: It is haraam for a man to force his daughter to marry a man whom she does not want to marry, and what is haraam cannot be validated or implemented, because implementing it or validating it goes against the prohibition that has been narrated. When sharee’ah forbids a matter, then we should not be involved in it or do it. If we validate it, that means that we have becomes involved in it and done it, and we have made it equivalent to the contracts that are permitted in sharee’ah.
Based on this, the correct view is that the marriage arranged by the father to a man whom his daughter does not want as a husband is an invalid marriage, and the contract is invalid, and should be examined by the court.
See al-Fataawa, p. 760; see also Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn Ibraaheem, 10/73-78
With regard to your taking contraceptive pills without your husband’s knowledge, this is not a solution to the problem, because this means that you are staying with one whom you do not like. As stated in the fatwa of Shaykh Ibn Ibraaheem mentioned above, some of the scholars have stated that if a women shows that she accepts her marriage to someone to whom she was married by force, then she forfeits the right to seek annulment of the marriage. If she forfeits the right to seek annulment, then the man becomes a legitimate husband to her. If that is the case, then it is not permissible for you to take contraceptive pills without his knowledge, if there is a need for that.
hey sis.. after i read that i was so shocked.. what ur going thru.. im really sorry, and i aint a pro counsellor or anythin but il say wot i fink.. u shud try to chat to him, try to get along wid him.. spend more time wid him and u myt get along etc.. but if u fink dat derz no hope and dat, den tlk 2 ur parents.. talk 2 ur mum and tell her how u feel and den explain the islamic reason 2 her and say that its not fair that u have to b forced as u have a rite in wot 2 say.. at da end of da day all u can do is face Allah and ask n pray 2 Him to help u in this misery.. and i know that if u mean ur prayerz Allah will listen to u and guide u.. if u think u cannot stay any longer wid ur family thn why dont u spend a few days in ur cuzinz/friends house, so u have time to think and pray to Allah to help u.. im sowi dat all dis is hapenin 2 u but juz rememba Allah.. cuz at da end of da day datz wot counts.. i hope u find a solution
I'm really sorry to hear that sister, and we all will pray that things get easier for you insha'Allaah. (God willing.) But please remember that this life is only temporary and that after every hardship - Allaah Almighty will always bring you ease insha'Allaah.
Allaah Almighty says in the Qur'an:
Truly with hardship comes ease. (94:06)
Allaah never puts a burden on anyone with more than they can bear..
On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. (Qur'an 2:286)
You say you feel scared and locked up because you're parents are forcing you to do what you don't want, and everyone is blaming you for the things that they caused
(i.e. the emotional past which has made your personality pessimistic etc.)
But you have to remember that Allaah Almighty doesn't accept oppression.
Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
Beware of the curse (or prayer) of the oppressed, for there is no screen between his supplication and Allaah. (Sahih al-Bukhaaree)
And it was also narrated:
Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
Three supplications are answered, there is no doubt in it:...and the supplication of the wronged person. (Ahmad, al-Bukhaaree in al-Aadaab, at-Tirmithee, and Abu Daawood, authentic. See Saheeh ul-Jaami' no. 3028)
You might want to read a few of these true stories to realise how much Allaah cares for the person who has been wronged/oppressed etc.
10) The Broken Foot
On the authority of Ibn Umar (RA), the Messenger of Allah (SAWS) said: “Fear the dua (supplication) of he who has been wronged, for verily it ascends to the skies faster than the rays of light.” (Al-Haakim, Saheeh). A narration (Ahmad, Saheeh) reads: “Fear the dua of he who has been wronged, even if he is a disbeliever, for there is no veil between it (and Allah (SWT)).”
In an incident narrated in Saheeh Muslim and others, a woman once accused Saeed ibn Zaid (RA), one of the ten companions of the Prophet (SAW) promised Paradise, of stealing some of her property. They appeared before the rule, and Saeed prayed: “O Allah! If you know her to be lying, then make her blind and make her graveyard in her own house.” The narrator of this incident said, “I saw her (later on), blind. She used to walk touching the walls and say, ‘The dua of Saeed has afflicted me!’ Once, she passed by a well inside her house and fell into it, so it became her grave.”
Once is a London prison, a Muslim brother (already unjustly imprisoned) was praying in his cell. The cell was extremely small and the only way to make sujood was towards the door, such that if someone opened the door, it would cross the path of the one praying. The brother finished his food and placed his utensils next to the door so the guard could collect them whilst the brother prayed. During his prayer a huge prison guard came to collect his utensils. He saw the brother was praying, so on purpose he opened the door fully until the utensils fell onto the brother’s prayer mat and he stood in front of the brother, with his big, black, steel-capped boots at the place where the brother would place his head during sujood. Knowing that the brother was praying, the guard began to rudely demand that he be given the utensils in his hand, in order to disrupt the brother’s prayer. The brother refused and went into prostration with the guard standing in front of him and his boots next to the brother’s head. During that same prostration, the brother pleaded to Allah; “O Allah, you know how this thug has wronged me and tried to disrupt my prayers to you. O Allah, Break this foot!”
After finishing his prayers the brother went straight to the room where the guards sat and complained about the guard trying to disrupt his prayer. That same guard was unrepentant and began to argue with and blame the brother so the brother said to him, “I will leave God to deal with you.”
No sooner had he said that, there was an almighty crash and a huge steel cabinet fell on the same foot of the guard. He started to scream and wail like a baby, until all the other prisoners heard and began asking what had happened. Other guards rushed to him, put him on a stretcher and an ambulance took him to hospital. It was a number of days before that prison guard returned to work at the prison. It can safely be said as far as is known, that guard never ever stood in front of or tried to disrupt a Muslim’s prayer again.
It appears that the only reason for the few minutes delay in the dua being answered was for the brother to finish his prayer and walk to the guards’ room.“Fear the dua of he who has been wronged, for verily it ascends to the skies faster than rays of light” (Ahmed)
I hope you understand from the hadith and stories above that the oppressed persons prayer is accepted by Allaah Almighty, but its important that the person remains patient and leaves their faith in Allaah Almighty, because giving up hope will just make the matter worse and you won't have no-one to rely on after that, and things will get depressing like how they were at the beginning.
Just think about it, who can you trust more than the One Who created you, and everything else in the universe?
You may feel that your marriage isn't going too well, but have you really thought about why it's not going well?
Maybe it's because you always feel that you have to back off. Whenever you get close to him, you get the bad memories of how you were forced into it, and you don't want to get close.
Just think about it, being from the US and pakistan isn't really that different. You've both been brought up in the same kind of environment - both in a pakistani culture (you because of your parents, and him because he's been brought up in pakistan.)
The reason why you can't find that chemistry may be because you don't want to get close - and backing off all the time may be the reason why you can't find that spark.
You're heart plays a big role in deciding whether you want to get close or not, and if one places a barrier - then naturally it will be hard to connect (for him & for you), so why not try to remove that barrier for a while? He might be the kind of guy you really like insha'Allaah.
If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike something and Allah will bring about through it a great deal of good. (Qur'an 4:19)
...it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows, while you do not know. (Qur'an 2:216)
Just try it, accept the marriage and keep an open mind and most importantly, leave your faith in Allaah Almighty - and pray for the marriage to be succesful in every way for you guys. you just gota take that first step insha'Allaah.
theres quite a few articles which help to improve a person as a muslim, partner etc. you can read some articles about how to please your husband and how to become a better muslimah off the following links insha Allaah:
there are some really good articles in the marriage section which may also help insha Allaah.
Maybe clearing your mind, and putting all your worries in the way of Allaah Almighty will make things easier insha'Allaah.
And among His signs is this, that He has created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them; and He has put love and mercy between you. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Qur'an 30:21)
Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
"Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight he thanks [Allah], thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is good for him in it." (Reported by Muslim)
Our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) also said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that." (sahih Bukhari)
Sister, things will get easier and better for you insha'Allaah by leaving your faith in Allaah, and trying your best to show your hubby your true personality. Show him that you're that wife he's always wanted, and he will show you that he's always wanted someone like you insha'Allaah.
Remember, Allaah put you in this and Allaah will help you through it too insha'Allaah.
If things get tough sometimes (which is normal) then put your trust in Allaah Almighty again, and all Allaah has to say is 'be' and it happens.
Verily, when He (Allaah) intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! (Qur'an 36:82)
You just have to remain patient, and give it your best shot insha'Allaah!
Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: and Allah (always) hears the arguments between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things). (58:01)
...and Allah is the best of planners. (Qur'an 3:54)
---
We will all keep you in our prayers insha'Allaah. if you have any more questions to ask, then please do ask insha'Allaah. jazak Allaah khayr wa barak Allaahu feekum. (may Allaah reward you and bless you) and your marriage. ameen, Allaahuma rubba ameen.
Last edited by - Qatada -; 06-26-2006 at 07:35 PM.
I'm saddened to hear what you have been through. May Allah have mercy on you. Ameen. I have gathered some information to help you make a stance for your rights according to Islam inshaAllah. I hope it's helpful.
And I thank you for this too! Forced marriage = Rape, pure and simple! There is no "covenant" between the two, nor any AGREEMENT. I also think it's rather perverted for parents to become involved in the sexual lives of their children... I would never do this to mine. I only wish them happiness in their chosen unions.
salam
wow sis i feel really bad for you, but obviously, you didn't come on here just looking for sympathy. Here's what I have to say to you:
Are you completely positive your marriage to him would not be a good thing? I mean, like have you tried really talking to him, getting to know him - ofcourse since you guys don't know eachother right now, it's going to be hard to start up a coversation, but you're going to have to. And it should be more that a 5 min. convo that you guys only say "hi" and "how are you".. try and get to know him. If you find you still don't like him at all, then well I suggest trying to talk to you parents. Maybe they don't know forced marriages are haraam. Make them understand. If they don't listen, go to your local Imaam, as someone already suggested. You may get some good advice from there, and maybe he might even try and talk to your parents. If still, your parents don't budge, then I'd say let them disown you. Honestly, I know that sounds really hard, and I don't even know if it's halaal, but if I were you, that's what I would do.
Good luck,
Sanaa XOXO
salam
Consent In Marriage
1) consent of both parties.
2) " Mahr" a gift from the groom to his bride.
3) Witnesses- 2 male or female.
4) The marriage should be publicized, it should never be kept secret as it leads to suspicion and troubles within the community
seeing as you did not give your consent to the marriage and thought it was purely an engagement then the nikkah is not valid.
I am not sure if you received a mahr but if you did not receive something then again the nikkah is invalid.
If this is the case he is not your husband...these acts ahve to be fulfilled inorder to validate the marriage.
However, if this is not the case, then i would urge you to try to talk to your husband and get to know him as others have sed.It will be hard at first. but give it time and pray to Allah to help you. Surely Allah knows the best for you and He will never do you wrong.
Thank you all so much for your replies. I appreciate it so much... jazaks.
May Allah swt bestow his blessings on you.
You know as humans, we can't be forced to do anything... it only makes us turn away. We have to want it with our heart. Yes I grew up in pakistani culture, but I grew up hating it.... I only saw the bad parts (oh what will others think of us, money, who has the new mercedes, who has the big house), and honestly I am just a Muslim. No culture, no anything, thats what I like to be.
The problem is and I know this is silly but
1. I know more than my husband about living in America... I was born here, you know? I get along with Muslims who have that similar background the similar culture of being raised in America. I feel like I may always be the older person in the marriage vis a vis how to live in America, and I dont want that.
2. I am not attracted to my husband. How am I supposed to consummate a marriage? I dont understand how people do this... how can you have "relations" if you are not attracted to a person? Like physically how can you do it? I feel like I would scream and run away
3. I have spent time with my cousin, he is a nice person, its just that I have been working for so many years to make this resentment go away its not going.... I will always be jealous of the Muslims around me who grew up the same way as me but were able to pursue halal marriages. Its so hard, you know, i mean i know alot of females are in this situation, but you want your marriage to be the start of your new life, and how can you enter it when you resent the culture and your parents and his parents more and more everyday.
I guess in the end I feel like if this is my destiny then what can i do? I hate my parents, they come to the states seeking money and they expect us not to be any different than if we were raised in pakistan?!!??!!??! there is so much sin surrounding us astagfirullah, with movies, and the way high schools are... how can people not see that it is so much harder to grow up in a non muslim country than one like pakistan?
then they compare me to everyone back in pakistan-- BUT I GREW UP IN AMERICA!!! i had so many more difficulties and obstacles to my nafs/ temptations than they had... yet compared to others here, I have tried my best to not give in.
sorry i just hate everything right now so much..... when i sleep i have such bad nightmares, i just try to focus and dream of paradise
i think you know maybe Allah swt if i am granted paradise maybe i can be with a person of my choosing there. thats all i hope for now. i dont know how i am supposed to go through this life and express my feelings joys and passions. i feel like i just have to accept this so my father doesnt kill himself b/c i shamed the family and deal with it.
i guess its hard b/c i do see that there were other halal ways that people could live their lives.... and i just wanted to experience it in that way.
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If you feel you can't do anything, you still have the most beneficial option.
Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
Three supplications are answered, there is no doubt in it:...and the supplication of the wronged person. (Ahmad, al-Bukhaaree in al-Aadaab, at-Tirmithee, and Abu Daawood, authentic. See Saheeh ul-Jaami' no. 3028)
When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way. (Qur'an 2:186)
When you pray, pray for what will be the best for you, your family, and your religion insha'Allaah.
I feel really sorry for you being in such a horrible position in your life...do you have any other family in the USA at all?... a close friend who can help you or someone to give you some kind of support through all this? a doctor maybe who could put you intouch with a support group..sorry I don't know how things are done in the USA.
i have seen this sort of thing far too often here in the uk also, may Allah guide the elder generation and raise this one upon Taqwa and the sunnah of the prophet Muhammad (saws).
as others have already pointed out from the ahaddith, it is your right to ask for divorce after a forced marriage and this is your right in islam, none can take it from you.
however you seem to have a serious self-estreme problem which also needs addressing, know that Allah (swt), the creator of the heavens and the earth also created you and is is good news at least that in your moment of need you turn to islam after a very cultural upbringing.
know sister that these sorts of attitudes expressed through your parents behaviour are prohibited in islam, it comes under the overall arabic name of 'Jahiliyyah' and means pre-islamic ignorance or unislamic customs that contradict islam.
it is unfortunate that all muslim sections of the community have some of this jahiliyyah, and your family seems to have more than its fair share of this, so may Allah reward you more greatly for going through this trial in life.
really you have two options,
one is to see if you can stop with this man. i do not think the culture issue you mention is too great a hurdle, many people marry from different cultures and these marriages are a success but if however you feel you do not want him then it is your right to seek divorce.
best advice i can give is you try to go to the pious elders within your family for help, and if they refuse to help them find a good imam or alim (islamic scholar) who can help you.
divorce is your right in this case, but people cannot help you from this side of the atlantic ocean so you need to find people in your city or locality who will insha'allah (Allah willing) help you and bring your parents to see reason.
from talking to others in the past, these threats are usually just that and families back down if their son / daughter is willing to say no but just in case find a pious sister or family who are willing to help you locally there and take you in for a few weeks until you can get setup yourself just in case your parents do something stupid like disowning you and throwing you out.
you should know this right of divorce in forced marriages is your right as confirmed through the ahaddith of the prophet Muhammad (saws) so dont be shy in demanding your rights in islam.
islam provides the solution, so turn to Allah, listen to the Quran as people mentioned, pray your salaat, cover yourself and seek help from Allah through Du'a, the ultimate weapon of the believer but also act yourself to prevent this injustice if as you mention you cannot go through with it.
may Allah guide you to that which is best 4 u inshaAllah.
Forced marriages are invalid so if you havent accepted it then know you arent married to him.
i hope you get your relief after the struggle
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My tears testify that i have a heart
yet i feel me and shaytan never part
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One thing you shouldnt do is resnt your parents.
I didnt understand the mentality of "marrying your chilgren backk home" until I went to India. Here's how it works.
- Usually, people gather their money and send one/2 members of the familyto USA/UK (lands of milk and honey).
- The family back home expect the "chosen ones" to give something back to their community ie make their children marry "back home" and allow more of the family to migrate (and enjoythe land of milk and honey).
SO your parents are in a dificult position. What they are doing is WRONG but the only way to get them to understand you, is for you to try and understand them.
May Allah resolve the situation for you and your family.
Jazaks everyone for the input, I am definitely take each advice into account
What do you suggest I say to my parents when they say to me "We are your parents, we would never do anything wrong for you. Allah swt says you must obey your parents... why do you not listen? Why would we want anything wrong from you... we are trying to save you How can you hurt us like this"
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