I am in a situation and I thought I would post here and see if someone could help me out...If not I think it also just helps to talk about some things...I have been married now for almost three years...My husband and I have had problems understanding each other from the start...I try to understand him but I feel as if he does not want to make the effort...He likes to show his affection alot but otherwise if we have to make a decision or if he wants to talk about his feelings he talks to his mother....i have tried to ignore this and alot of other things but now it's starting to really bother me...If my husband and I have a fight, he will not tell me what he is feeling...he just gets mad at me and does not say anything to me and instead tells his mother...she then gets really mad and I get a lecture from her on what to do and what not to do...I usually try and stay quiet but lately things took a turn for the worse....I have not seen my parents for two years as they live in Pakistan...I have been planning to visit them this coming summer...my mum in law called up my mother and told her to tell me not to visit as she wanted me to stay with her son and not leave him alone...she lives in another city and we live in another one...my mom was upset...i got to know about this and was really mad at her...but i did not say nething just held back a little by talking to her less than before...so she knew i knew....then i had a huge fight with my husband...i usually don't tell him nething but about this i did as i felt it was wrong of her to do this...when i had the huge fight with him i said some bad things to him about his mother which hurt him i know....but i said sorry as i had been extremely angry...but he went and told his mother behind my back and lied to me that he had not told her...I feel like I can never trust him as this always happens...Its just a very tough situation and I have left everything upto Allah...Inshallah He will help me and whatever is best for me will come out of this situation...I need all the prayers...So please remember me in your dua's...
I'm sorry this post is long but i have left out all the details and the latest developments...I just need all the support i can get...I'm so far away from my family and I just miss them very much....I'll wait for the replies...Jazakallah!!
i am starting to get really depressed...i don't know what to do...i can't eat properly and am starting to really feel awful...my inlaws are acting as if nothing happened and everything is just perfect but i feel weak and awful...i know that inshallah Allah (swt) will help me but i just feel awful so far from my family and alone...help me!!!
she threatened me that if i say nething against my husband's family he will leave me in a second...she said that my hubby's sis loves him so much that she can even kill someone for him...
That's is just so sick! If everything you said is true and you have not given them any reason to treat you like this, then all I'll say is that they don't deserve you as a daughter-in-law.
when i listened to all this and cried and complained to my husband, the next day he comes and says to me i think u should pack up and leave and go to ure parents in pakistan and stay there indefinitely until we mke a decision...
he wants to make a decision to keep you or not, does he? Well do him a favour and make the decision for him. Tell him you want out.
all that i have read about divorce everywhere it says it should only be done in dire circumstances...
Can it get much more dire? Like his sister killing/hurting you for him? I don't know how you haven't gone crazy. If I was in your shoes I'd have shown this family stars in broad day light! Spare your sanity and get out of this marriage. I can tell people like that rarely change.
Thankyou Muslimah Sis...I have been going crazy lately and now they have started to act as if nothing happened and everything is so normal...i have tried to be as honest as possible here and if i have made mistakes then i do apologize...and may Allah(swt) forgive me....you are right about the fact that the things she said are absoutely ridiculous and even if they are not going to act on it she should realize what she is saying will be perceived as such...but i am so confused at this point...i will inshallah do istikhara and inshallah Allah(swt) will guide me as to what will be the right decision for me...i have talked to so many people and the way they put it they blame me for everything...and then i start to feel like as if its all my fault...eve though i know it can never be all my fault if u know what i mean...it goes both ways...if only my husband could just talk to me things could be so much better...i think there would be no problem at all...the only thing is tht he involves his mom and then she gets upset that i'm upsetting him when in reality i just want to discuss things with him...please pray for me everyone...i need all the prayers and i don't want to get sick and depressed which is what i have been feeling lately and its not healthy for me....please just remember me in your duas!!!!
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
Thankyou Muslimah Sis...I have been going crazy lately and now they have started to act as if nothing happened and everything is so normal...i have tried to be as honest as possible here and if i have made mistakes then i do apologize...and may Allah(swt) forgive me....you are right about the fact that the things she said are absoutely ridiculous and even if they are not going to act on it she should realize what she is saying will be perceived as such...but i am so confused at this point...i will inshallah do istikhara and inshallah Allah(swt) will guide me as to what will be the right decision for me...i have talked to so many people and the way they put it they blame me for everything...and then i start to feel like as if its all my fault...eve though i know it can never be all my fault if u know what i mean...it goes both ways...if only my husband could just talk to me things could be so much better...i think there would be no problem at all...the only thing is tht he involves his mom and then she gets upset that i'm upsetting him when in reality i just want to discuss things with him...please pray for me everyone...i need all the prayers and i don't want to get sick and depressed which is what i have been feeling lately and its not healthy for me....please just remember me in your duas!!!!
The problem lies not so much with your mom-in-law but with your husband. He doesn't seem to realise the importance of discussing things with you and it seems he doesn't even want to. And to be fair he probably doesn't even know how to. I got really vexed reading your last post but am calmer now lol.
So what I'm saying is that everyone goes into marriage dreaming of happiness and bliss....... but when things go wrong, which they sometimes do, some people just don't know how to handle them. Then as far as they're concerned the easiest way to deal with it to not deal with it, i.e. not talking about it.
I'm a bit confused from your last two posts. You said that people are telling you to get divorced. Then above you said people tell you it's your fault? Plz, explain sis. I don't wanna say anything without clearing that up first. I'll be waiting for your reply inshaAllah.
I think what i meant to say was that my friends and family are telling me to make a decision...well not right away but to really think about whether i can live with this kind of treatment and whether i feel that my inlaws will change...on the other hand, I get blamed for everything from my inlaws side...like the way they talk about everything it seems that i am the reason that everything is going wrong....and i do start feeling like that sometimes....other times i feel like i am overreacting and maybe i shouldn't and its not that big of a deal...but i don't know what to expect from them anymore...i just feel very confused...
as to what u said in your last post that alot of people go into marriage and don't want to deal with things...i can understand that...but it is going to be almost three years since i have been married(we were apart in the middle for a while due to visa reasons) but u can say that we have been together for 2 years...so it should change a bit don't u think? i don't know how to deal with all this anymore...
just to clarify one more thing...i wrote in my previous post that my friends and family are pushing me to make a decision...not my family...friends that i have here and just counsellors that i have talked to in general....my parents and siblings don't know all that is going on here....my friends are pushing me to atleast tell my parents of what is going on here...
in reply to the previous post i'm in the United States....
salaam,
my advice to you sis is to just be patient,
remember that allah allah is alrahman so make duaa to
him inshallah allah will improve you situation,
I have many thoughts I would like to share with you, but at the moment have the time to only share one.
I do not know all the elements of an Islamic marriage, but I thought you might be interested in one part of a typical Christian wedding ceremony. There is a line in it which many people think is old fashioned and often leave out -- "If any one has just cause why this marriage should not take place, speak now, or forever hold your peace."
It was created years ago to keep men who were travelling from having a wife in every town they went to, thus a person was to speak up if the knew the person was already married and about to commit bigamy. And many couples don't want the interruption that might be caused if a jealous "ex" was to crash the wedding. But, I usually council slightly differently when I have a party that considers leaving the line in. At the rehearsal for the wedding the day before, I turn to all of the family who has usually gathered for it, and tell them that if they really have anything against the marriage that the time to say it is before, not after the wedding. That after the wedding the chief repsonsibility and family connection for husband and wife is for one antoher. That from then on their families of origin need to take second place, and any comments that they have, no matter how they personally feel, need to be supportive of the couple. If they can't do that, then they should say so now. And if the couple goes ahead anyway, then they need to learn to respect that as well. For better or worse, it is the couples' decision to make, and the family's responsibility to always build them up.
Obviously, your mother-in-law never got the memo, I'm not even sure your husband did. Trying to correct this after the fact is hard. For that, my guess is that you are going to need some obective third party who can mediate a long-term conversation between the two of you, and who can tell mom-in-law to stay out.
I seek refuge in Allah (The One God) from the Satan (devil) the cursed, the rejected
With the name of ALLAH (swt) -The Bestower Of Unlimited Mercy, The Continously Merciful
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh (May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you)
&&
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
.... if we have to make a decision or if he wants to talk about his feelings he talks to his mother....
sis , there is nothing wrong if he talks to mom . A mom has a lot of rights over son........remember her pain when ur husband came in to this world . U were not there , it was his mom who went through all the pain.
Just because a son is adult & married , it does not mean that a mom has lost her right. Think like that , when u will be blessed with son , u will have so many dreams about him , and ur son gets married & stay away from u , don't discuss anything with u , will it be fair ???????
If my husband and I have a fight, he will not tell me what he is feeling...he just gets mad at me and does not say anything to me and instead tells his mother...she then gets really mad and I get a lecture from her on what to do and what not to do...
----oh sis , do u have a bro ? If he complains that ur sis -in-law is giving him trouble , won't u talk to her ?
Normally elder people love to give lecture .........try to listen to them , don't protest ......it make them very happy . It's not possible for us to re-pay mom/mom-in-law for what they sacrifised for us & our dear ones. If listening lectures can make them happy , we must show our pateince .And remember , there is minimum 2 rewards from God for each good deed
I usually try and stay quiet but lately things took a turn for the worse....I have not seen my parents for two years as they live in Pakistan...I have been planning to visit them this coming summer...my mum in law called up my mother and told her to tell me not to visit as she wanted me to stay with her son and not leave him alone...
---why not try to visit parent with ur husband ? It will make ur parent happy , too.
If it's not possible for ur hubby to go , then tell ur mom-in-law to come & stay with him. Or may be , ur parent can come & visit u .
This problem is very common , sis. Many people are now living in abroad & they can't see their parent ; I know how painful it must be but ur in laws are not responsible for it. When u decided to came outside Pakistan , surely u knew that it won't be possible for u to see parent regularly.
Anyway , for how many days u want to go there ? Staying away from husband for long is not a very good idea if u want to keep ur marriage happy. Loneliness may create problem in married life.
when i had the huge fight with him i said some bad things to him about his mother ...
--- pl. pl. don't do this again. Will u be happy if he says something bad about ur mom ?
but he went and told his mother behind my back ...
---both of u acted very foolishly .....sorry to say.
and lied to me that he had not told her
--may be , he was afraid that u will be angry :enough!: & will start fight again :scared:
I have left everything upto Allah...
---yah , that's ok but u try ur best not to fight again. It's very easy to find faults with others , it's hard to correct ourselves. Try to do the hard thing , Insha Allah , the best result will be granted for u
Offer Ishtherkhara prayer before taking any imp decision.
Last edited by Muslim Woman; 03-25-2007 at 01:08 AM.
Christ will never be proud to reject to be a slave to God .....holy Quran, chapter Women , 4: 172
there is nothing wrong if he talks to mom . A mom has a lot of rights over son........remember her pain when ur husband came in to this world . U were not there , it was his mom who went through all the pain.
you are right that there is nothing wrong with the fact that he talks to his mom...i don't mind the fact that he does...it's just that he talks to her about everything...and i mean everything...there is nothing that is sacred between us that she does not know about....sometimes it becomes less but...tell me would u like it if your husband told his mom about ure intimate life too sometimes??i think its highly inappropriate but apparently they don't...
Just because a son is adult & married , it does not mean that a mom has lost her right. Think like that , when u will be blessed with son , u will have so many dreams about him , and ur son gets married & stay away from u , don't discuss anything with u , will it be fair ???????
no its not fair to have that happen...but inshallah i would not be calling my son's mom in law and telling her what to tell her daughter and what not to...if she says something to me all i do is listen quietly...but she has no right to be calling my mom and telling her what to say or not to say to me...
----oh sis , do u have a bro ? If he complains that ur sis -in-law is giving him trouble , won't u talk to her ?
i don't have a brother...but if i did i would explain to my brother and give him advice rather than go to the sis in law coz that would make things more complicated....
Normally elder people love to give lecture .........try to listen to them , don't protest ......it make them very happy . It's not possible for us to re-pay mom/mom-in-law for what they sacrifised for us & our dear ones. If listening lectures can make them happy , we must show our pateince .And remember , there is minimum 2 rewards from God for each good deed
i have listened to one too many lectures and it's not just about listening to lectures she wants me to do exactly as she wants and when i don't she gets upset with me....i'm an educated girl who has her own opinions and a right to live my life the way i want....i will gladly listen to whatever she wants to say but she has no right to force me to do something i don't want to...and i don't think that's fair
---why not try to visit parent with ur husband ? It will make ur parent happy , too.
If it's not possible for ur hubby to go , then tell ur mom-in-law to come & stay with him. Or may be , ur parent can come & visit u .
i have tried to get my husband to go he does not want to....mom in law wants to go visit her daughter who will be having exams during that time and arents cannot come visit due to visa problems!!!
Anyway , for how many days u want to go there ? Staying away from husband for long is not a very good idea if u want to keep ur marriage happy. Loneliness may create problem in married life.
--- pl. pl. don't do this again. Will u be happy if he says something bad about ur mom ?
his mom has said a million things to me before and i have never ever said nething to him or neone else...what really put me off was her calling my mom and ordering her around as well....no matter what her reasons were...no i will not be happy having him say bad things about neone in my family and the way he was acting when my uncle came was enough to set me off...apart from that....his mom hates my sis and mom and says they are trying to break my home....that's not fair either!!
---both of u acted very foolishly .....sorry to say.
u are right...i totally agree that i was stupid and i was so angry i did not even know what i said....but u know if one person acts foolishly the other has to pick up and say ok she's being this way i will give her time to cool off and then talk to her...i think that's how a marriage works...if my husband says something to me that i don't like i don't go blabbing to anyone in my family or his!!
--may be , he was afraid that u will be angry :enough!: & will start fight again :scared:
yes i guess that was his reason...but its not like i fight with him all the time...he's happiest when i don't say nething to him and listen to every single thing he says and obey him whether he is right or not....
---yah , that's ok but u try ur best not to fight again. It's very easy to find faults with others , it's hard to correct ourselves. Try to do the hard thing , Insha Allah , the best result will be granted for u
yes u are right about that....i am trying to clarify to understand this whole situation better....but the thing is that me doing it alone and singlehandedly is not the answer...it is a partnership and i want it to be like that....only my husband does not feel inclined to working towards the relationship....he thinks his mom can make everything better for him....he himself has to put in the work and i don't think he realizes that!!!
Obviously, your mother-in-law never got the memo, I'm not even sure your husband did. Trying to correct this after the fact is hard. For that, my guess is that you are going to need some obective third party who can mediate a long-term conversation between the two of you, and who can tell mom-in-law to stay out.
I wish you luck.
Thanx for your thoughts...as to involving an objective third party...i am all for that...but knowing my mom in law she says that if u want to involve anyone it should just be your parents or siblings...no one else...and she hates my sister... i even tried to convince my husband to go for marital counseling but one day he said no...next day ok and then after that did not even mention it...he feels more comfortable if i don't bring up any issues and if we can just ignore all problems...but that way they just increase in magnitude and i know that now he will not go for counseling...so it's just better to just stay quiet and pray to Allah and see what the future holds...even though it's really tough!!
I think what i meant to say was that my friends and family are telling me to make a decision...well not right away but to really think about whether i can live with this kind of treatment and whether i feel that my inlaws will change...on the other hand, I get blamed for everything from my inlaws side...like the way they talk about everything it seems that i am the reason that everything is going wrong....and i do start feeling like that sometimes....other times i feel like i am overreacting and maybe i shouldn't and its not that big of a deal...but i don't know what to expect from them anymore...i just feel very confused...
thanks, I understand now sis. And I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I can imagine how frustrating it is when your own husband doesn't understand you. In fact I know cuz I've been there.
as to what u said in your last post that alot of people go into marriage and don't want to deal with things...i can understand that...but it is going to be almost three years since i have been married(we were apart in the middle for a while due to visa reasons) but u can say that we have been together for 2 years...so it should change a bit don't u think? i don't know how to deal with all this anymore...
I didn't mean you. Its' your husband who doesn't want to deal with things. And yes he should've learnt by now. Especially as he can see the damage it's doing to the marriage. If you get a third party involved, make sure it's someone who's wise and knowledgable. An imaan would be the best. Firstly because he won't be biased and secondly he can explain things to your husband from an Islamic perspective. But do you think your husband would agree to you both talking to the imaan?
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
I didn't you it's you who doesn't want to deal with things, but your husband. And yes he should've learnt by now. Especially as he can see the damage it's doing to the marriage. If you get a third party involved, make sure it's someone who's wise and knowledgable. An imaan would be the best. Firstly because he won't be biased and secondly he can explain things to your husband from an Islamic perspective. But do you think your husband would agree to you both talking to the imaan?
i'm not so sure about that as he is not very Islamic...just as an example with all the problems that I have been facing lately i started praying more and more as it gives me peace and he started asking me why are u praying so much?u are becoming xtremist....so i don't know how he will react to that either....i just don't make any suggestions anymore just do what he wants....i am praying istakhara but i have not had any feeling that are different or any dreams so i will keep praying it every night and leave all the rest upto Allah...
May be its a cultural thing the fact he doen't open "his heart" in front of you Are you from same culture
yes we are both from the same country and i guess pretty much the same culture...well every family's culture varies to an extent but over time men usually open up and get used to their wives...that has still not happened here...and it's very very frustrating....
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
yes we are both from the same country and i guess pretty much the same culture...well every family's culture varies to an extent but over time men usually open up and get used to their wives...that has still not happened here...and it's very very frustrating....
Try to make him to talk. Are men which think are less men if they cry on wife shoulder . Chit chat with him, he must say something. If you keep talking with him, he will not have time to run at his mommy either. Its a basic manner - to listen the person which talk with you.
format_quote Originally Posted by Anonymous Tester
yes we are both from the same country and i guess pretty much the same culture...well every family's culture varies to an extent but over time men usually open up and get used to their wives...that has still not happened here...and it's very very frustrating....
I have been thinking about your problem for several days. And honestly I have been stymied by the issues you presented. As I see it, your husband does not behave as a married man, but as a spoiled child who cannot leave his mother. (Sorry, that is rather harsh since I have never actually met your husband. Surely there are two sides to every story, and I have only heard yours, not his.)
Today I happened to be visiting with a pyschiatrist, and posed your dilemna to him. What he said was that it seems you have a need to see your own mother and make contact with your family again. Eventually the time will come when you will do this, even if your husband and his mother resist this desire. Whether you will return or not, is likely to depend on whether or not your husband is willing to make an effort to truly build a home with you or continues to live without regard for you.
I'm not sure that actually helps much. I am sorry. Maybe if there was a man who could speak to your husband and help him see that it is his attitude toward you that is is about to bring ruin upon his marriage. But I am not sure that you can initiate this in another person.
I believe that at marriage a man and a woman should leave their homes of origins to create new one in which the first priority in all things is considered in regard of one's spouse. One cannot continually seek more refuge in or share the love of one's mother than one's wife and still be considered a husband.
I have been thinking about your problem for several days. And honestly I have been stymied by the issues you presented. As I see it, your husband does not behave as a married man, but as a spoiled child who cannot leave his mother. (Sorry, that is rather harsh since I have never actually met your husband. Surely there are two sides to every story, and I have only heard yours, not his.)
Actually that is how i feel alot of times that he does not act maturely enough to be acting as a married man and i am not offended about it...i am only trying to understand what the situation might be....a friend of mine who has met my husband and talked to him saw a program on autism and told me to read up on it and alot of the symptoms that are seen in autism i have noticed in my husband's behavior...i don't know if that is true or not...i just don't know what to believe nemore...his mom still says that she loves me so much but i don't know whether to believe her or not...i just don't know where to turn or who to ask for help....it's such a horrible situation and i feel so depressed....
i feel like i will go crazy and the issue about me visiting my mom is now on a backburner...i have not mentioned it so one else has...i don't know that when i do what will happen...whenever i talk to my mom in law i feel like everything is my fault and when i talk to other people i feel like its not...i do realize my own mistakes and i know u all just have my side of the story but i don't know how to get the other side of the story coz that side always points to me for the mistakes!!!May Allah help me and any other who are facing difficulties as well...Ameen
If I may, I want to recommend some books to you. Now these are by Christian authors, but I believe that you will still find quite a bit of truth in them that you can use.
Love Life: For Every Married Couple and [u]How To Save Your Marriage Alone [/b], both by Dr. Ed Wheat. They are available from Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.
Happiness Is a Choice: Symptoms, Causes, and Cures of Depression , by Frank Minirth and Paul Meier.
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman
I've listed them in the order that I think they might do you the most good.
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Are you from same culture 
. Chit chat with him, he must say something. If you keep talking with him, he will not have time to run at his mommy either. Its a basic manner - to listen the person which talk with you.
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