need fiance (not finance) advice! quick!

I am a convert and I am going to get married soon. I have been engaged for almost a year. Everything is good, alhamdulillah except we keep having issues about the same things.

She says that I get too jealous and that I need to trust her. She says I should trust her when she goes out with friends and know that she is 100% committed to me. And for the most part I do trust her with friends.

However, she has done two things that really upset me. One, she posted a note online to this guy that she used to study with telling him that he should call her if he ever wanted to get together. Two, she told me two months after the fact, that one night when we were having an argument about something, she went out with her friends, ended up talking to this guy, and that he "unexpectedly" kissed her. This was AFTER we got engaged.

Recently, she told me that this other convert guy drove her home, and honestly the thought of her in the car with this boy ALONE just makes me want to pull out my hair. Yet it is apparently MY duty to trust her and not to fear the worst. Not to be "overly jealous."


I am the one who used to date and go out and party and whatnot, but I have tried my best to avoid women and lower my gaze, and these things. I do everything in my power to make sure that she doesn't get jealous.

Well, she lives in a different town, and she is constantly going out with friends. Even hanging out with one of my best friends! It upsets me because I just stay at home with my family, occasionally going to dinner or something with MALES only, but she is always out in groups of guys and girls. She says that I have to trust her and give her time with friends, and I do, generally, but she has already damaged my trust with the actions I earlier mentioned. She is a pretty girl and she doesn't attempt at all to hide this beauty, and in fact dresses and makes herself up to look even better.

Now, she is starting to hang out with my friend in that town. We all three would hang out together when I lived there, but now she is starting to hang out with him in groups of three or four. I trust him, and I talk to him regularly, and we have a very tight emotional friendship. In addition, I trust her around him with her brother. But the other day I was talking to him, and he said he had to go because she was calling him. What the heck?

In addition, I come to find that they are texting each other regularly and talking about his relationships with girls, (she is giving him advice). Then yesterday, I call her, and she is hanging out with him with another guy and girl. Now I don't think they are doing anything bad. I don't think he is trying to get with her, and she isn't trying to get with him. But yet I still feel weird about this.

I just feel like I shouldn't even have to deal with these feelings. I do everything I can to keep her from feeling like this.


It blew up yesterday because I got upset when I had to talk to him on HER phone. How strange to call your fiance and then talk to your guy friend on her phone. I was nice on the phone to them both, but when I hung up I was so frustrated, because we just talked about this yesterday.

She knew she upset me, and tried to call me and texted me over and over apologizing. But I was too frustrated and angry to talk about it rationally. Then I got this huge email telling me about how she wants to do everything to make this relationship work, but I need to control my outrageous jealousy.




Listen people, I have changed my life entirely so that I can be a good Muslim husband and father. I want Allah to bless my wife and my children, so I am trying to do as much as I can to get ready for this task.

In addition, we are planning to marry in December, and then move in together after a wedding next summer. Will I have to deal with this after we are married?

I'm just freaking out right now, because I don't see how it is being OVERLY-JEALOUS when I get upset about the things I have mentioned. Her family doesn't know about this stuff, and neither does mine, because I trust her not to make these same mistakes. But nevertheless, she is still putting herself in these precarious situations that freak me out!


Now I am going to visit her and her brother today. I am going to talk to my friend and tell him how I feel, and I trust that he will understand. But she is going to be mad about it, and she is upset with me now.

I am confident in my ability to talk to them and sort this out between the three of us, but I'm just freaking out now about what to do with my fiance. I keep telling her that if she is not ready, then she better do something quick before we get married. Then she feels bad, and starts trying extra hard to please me in this manner. Then time passes and it goes back to her trying to explain why she's riding in cars alone with boys or some other stupid situation like that.:-[

What do I do? How much am I at fault here?, because I just don't see it.

I am very sorry to hear about ur struggles brother! Is she a muslim if i may ask?

And am glad to hear that u are trying ur best to become a better muslim!

AnonymousGender said:

However, she has done two things that really upset me. One, she posted a note online to this guy that she used to study with telling him that he should call her if he ever wanted to get together. Two, she told me two months after the fact, that one night when we were having an argument about something, she went out with her friends, ended up talking to this guy, and that he "unexpectedly" kissed her. This was AFTER we got engaged.

Click to expand...

the flip... BE A MAN!!!!!!!!!

dont get played like that :|

:salamext:

The Protective Jealousy of 'Umar:


The Messenger of Allah (saws) said:

I saw myself (in a dream) entering Paradise, and there I saw ar-Rumaysa' - the wife of Abu Tulayhah - and I heard the sound of footsteps. I said, "Who is this?" He said, 'It is Bilal.' And I saw a palace, in the courtyard of which there was a young woman. I said, 'Whose (palace) is this?' They said, '(it is) 'Umar's.'. I wanted to go in and look around, but then I remembered your protective jealousy.' " 'Umar said, "May my father and mother be sacrificed for you, O messenger of Allah! Would I feel jealous towards you?"

(Muslim 2394, Saheeh At-Tawheeq, p.54; Bukhari 3476, 6620)

The Prophet himself knew of the protective jealousy that 'Umar Ibn Khattab had for the woman of his family! Men are the protectors and maintainers of woman and If a man feels protective jealousy towards his family he will stop them from committing immoral actions and anything that may lead to that. This is the matter of praiseworthy protective jealousy (gheerah) that is loved by Allah and His Messenger.


A few things which I usually think of when I taking into considertion a righteous wife:

'Umar bin Khattab sought permission to see the Messenger of Allah. There were some woman of Quraysh with him who were talking to him and asking too many questions, raising their voices above his. When 'Umar bin Khattab asked for permission to enter, they ran and hid. The Messenger of Allah gave him permission to enter so 'Umar came in and found the Messenger of Allah smiling. He said, "May Allah always make you smile, O Messenger of Allah." The Prophet said, "I am surprised about these woman who were with me. When they heard your voice, they ran and hid." 'Umar said "You have more right to be feared by them, O' Messenger of Allah." Then 'Umar said, "O enemies of yourselves! Do you fear me and not the Messenger of Allah?" They said, "Yes, you are more harsh and more stern then the Messenger of Allah." The Messenger of Allah said " O' son of Khattab, by the One whose hand is in my soul, the shaytan never meets you on a path but he takes another path."

(Bukhari 3682 and Muslim 2386)


Abdullah ibn Abbas narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: "I was shown Hell and I have never seen anything more terrifying than it. And I saw that the majority of its people are women." They said, "Why, O Messenger of Allah?" He said, "Because of their ingratitude (kufr)." It was said, "Are they ungrateful to Allah?" He said, "They are ungrateful to their companions (husbands) and ungrateful for good treatment. If you are kind to one of them for a lifetime then she sees one (undesirable) thing in you, she will say, ‘I have never had anything good from you."

(Bukhari 1052)




100% commitment means to keep a distance from non-mahram men, being loyal to one she intends to marry and to fear Allah as much as one is able to. One must give every reason to trust his/her spouse because words are not complete without deeds!

In al-Saheehayn and elsewhere from Abu Hurayrah (r) that the Prophet (saaws) said: "Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may your prosper)."


There is no might nor power except Allah!

If u want to marry this person, all I can tell u is "Tighten ur seatbelt".

'Umar bin Khattab sought permission to see the Messenger of Allah (). There were some woman of Quraysh with him who were talking to him and asking too many questions, raising their voices above his. When 'Umar bin Khattab asked for permission to enter, they ran and hid. The Messenger of Allah () gave him permission to enter so 'Umar came in and found the Messenger of Allah () smiling. He said, "May Allah always make you smile, O Messenger of Allah." The Prophet () said, "I am surprised about these woman who were with me. When they heard your voice, they ran and hid." 'Umar said "You have more right to be feared by them, O' Messenger of Allah." Then 'Umar said, "O enemies of yourselves! Do you fear me and not the Messenger of Allah?" They said, "Yes, you are more harsh and more stern then the Messenger of Allah." The Messenger of Allah said " O' son of Khattab, by the One whose hand is in my soul, the shaytan never meets you on a path but he takes another path."

(Bukhari 3682 and Muslim 2386)


SubhanALLAH..that was deep

brother i have to say that you are very strong and patient,always Remember that ALLAH (SWA) is always with those who are patient

i hope for the best

May ALLAH (SWA) ease your burdens,Ameen

when it comes to advice with marriage n all i have nothing,sorry

is she Muslim?

Practicing?

this is just, i would have shown my hyper mode( a dangerous thing) to them both to that girl and man
heck I wouldnt even marry such a woman...

You have to show who's the man , who's the FIANCE here Never leave her alone if you love her ,
you are her protector from now on if you wanna marry her that is !

Srry if i have offended you !

May Allah help you to have a wonderful marriage

Ibn al-Qayyim (r) said:

Undoubtedly allowing women to mix freely with men is the basis of all evils. This is one of the greatest causes of punishment coming down upon everyone and of public and private affairs becoming corrupt. Freemixing of men and women is the cause of much immorality and adultery, and it is the cause of general doom and diseases.

...

One of the greatest causes of general doom is the prevalence of adultery because of allowing women to mix freely with men and to walk amongst them making a wanton display of their beauty. If the powers that be knew how much corruption it causes to worldly interests and to people, they would prevent it most vigorously.

Al-Turuq al-Hakamiyyah, p. 408

Praise be to Allaah.

The meeting together, mixing, and intermingling of men and women in one place, the crowding of them together, and the revealing and exposure of women to men are prohibited by the Law of Islam (Shari'ah). These acts are prohibited because they are among the causes for fitnah (temptation or trial which implies evil consequences), the arousing of desires, and the committing of indecency and wrongdoing.

Among the many proofs of prohibition of the meeting and mixing of men and women in the Qur’aan and Sunnah are:

Verse No. 53 of Surat al-Ahzab, or the Confederates (Interpretation of the meaning); "...for anything ye want, ask them from before a screen: that makes for greater purity for your hearts and for theirs..."

In explaining this Verse, Ibn Kathir (May Allaah have mercy on him) said: "Meaning, as I forbade you to enter their rooms, I forbid you to look at them at all. If one wants to take something from a woman, one should do so without looking at her. If one wants to ask a woman for something, the same has to be done from behind a screen."

The Prophet (May peace and blessings be upon him) enforced separation of men and women even at Allaah’s most revered and preferred place, the mosque. This was accomplished via the separation of the women’s rows from the men’s; men were asked to stay in the mosque after completion of the obligatory prayer so that women will have enough time to leave the mosque; and, a special door was assigned to women. Evidence of the foregoing are:

Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) said that after Allah’s Messenger (May peace and blessings be upon him) said "as-Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullah’ twice announcing the end of prayer, women would stand up and leave. He would stay for a while before leaving. Ibn Shihab said that he thought that the staying of the Prophet (May peace and blessings be upon him) was in order for the women to be able to leave before the men who wanted to depart." Narrated by al-Bukhari under No. 793.

Abu Dawood under No. 876 narrates the same hadith in Kitab al-Salaat under the title "Insiraaf an-Nisaa’ Qabl al-Rijaal min al-Salaah" (Departure of Women before Men after the Prayer). Ibn ‘Umar said that Allah’s Messenger (May peace and blessings be upon him) said: "We should leave this door (of the mosque) for women." Naafi’ said: "Ibn ‘Umar never again entered through that door until he died." Narrated by Abu Dawood under No. 484 in "Kitab as-Salah" under the Chapter entitled: "at-Tashdid fi Thalik".

Abu Hurayrah said that the Prophet (May peace and blessings be upon him) said: ""The best of the men’s rows is the first and the worst is the last, and the best of the women’s rows is the last and the worst in the first." Narrated by Muslim under No. 664.

This is the greatest evidence that the Law of Islam (Shari'ah) forbids meeting and mixing of men and women. The farther the men are from the women’s rows, the better, and vice versa.

If these procedures and precautions were prescribed and adhered to in a mosque, which is a pure place of worship where people are as far away as they ever are from the arousal of desire and temptation, then no doubt the same procedures need to be followed even more rigorously at other places.

Abu Usayd al-Ansari narrated that he heard Allah’s Messenger (May peace and blessings be upon him) say to the women on his way out of the mosque when he saw men and women mixing together on their way home:
‘Give way (i.e., walk to the sides) as it is not appropriate for you to walk in the middle the road.’ Thereafter, women would walk so close to the wall that their dresses would get caught on it. Narrated by Abu Dawood in "Kitab al-Adab min Sunanihi, Chapter: Mashyu an-Nisa Ma’ ar-Rijal fi at-Tariq."We know that the intermingling, mixing and crowding together of men and women is part of today’s unavoidable yet regrettable affliction in most places, such as markets, hospitals, colleges, etc., but:

· We will not willfully choose or accept mixing and crowding, particularly in religious classes and council meetings in Islamic Centers.

· We take precautions to avoid meeting and mixing of men and women as much as possible while at the same time achieving desired goals and objectives. This result can be achieved by designating separate places assigned for men and women, using different doors for each, utilizing modern means of communication such as microphones, video recorders etc., and expediting efforts to have enough female teachers to teach women, etc.

· We show fear of Allaah as much as we can by not looking at members of the opposite sex and by applying self-restraint.
There follow some of the results of a study on mixing undertaken by some Muslim social science researchers.

When we put the following question: What is the Islamic ruling on mixing as far as you know? The results were as follows:

76% of respondents said “It is not permitted.”

12% said, “It is permitted” – but moral, religious, etc. restrictions apply…

12% said, “I don’t know.”

Which would you choose?

If you had the choice between working in a mixed workplace and working in another where there was no mixing, which would you choose?

The responses to this question were as follows:

76% would choose the workplace where there was no mixing.

9% preferred the mixed workplace.

15% would accept any workplace which suited their specialties, regardless of whether it was mixed or not.

Very embarrassing

Have any embarrassing situations ever happened to you because of mixing?

Among the embarrassing moments mentioned by respondents in this study were the following:

I was at work one day, and I went into one department where one of my female colleagues who wears hijaab had taken off her hijaab in front of her female colleagues. My entrance took her by surprise and I was very embarrassed as a result.

I had to do an experiment in the lab at university, but I was absent on the day of the experiment. I had to go to the lab on the following day, and I found myself the only male among a group of female students, in addition to a female teacher and a female lab technician. I was very embarrassed and felt very awkward with all those female eyes glaring at me.

I was trying to take a feminine towel out of one of the drawers when I was surprised by a male colleague standing behind me, who wanted to take something from his own private drawer. He noticed that I was embarrassed and he left the room quickly to avoid my embarrassment.

It so happened that one of the girls at the university bumped into me when turning a corner in a crowded corridor. She was walking quickly, going to one of the lectures. As a result of this collision, she lost her balance, and I caught her in my arms, as if I was embracing her. You can imagine how embarrassed I and this girl felt in front of a group of careless young people.

One of my female colleagues fell on the stairs in the university and her clothes fell open in an extremely embarrassing fashion. She landed upside down and could not help herself; the young men standing nearby had no option but to cover her and help her to get up.

I work in a company and I went in to give some papers to my boss. When I was going out, my boss called me back. I turned around and saw him with his face turned away. I was waiting for him to ask me for a file or for more papers, and I was surprised by his hesitancy. I turned away to the left side of his office, pretending to be busy with something, and he spoke to me at the same time. I thought that this boss would say anything except what he actually said, which was to point out that my garment was stained with menstrual blood. Can the earth open up and swallow a human being at the moment of making sincere supplication? For I prayed that the earth would open up and swallow me.

Victims of mixing… True stories

Lost hope

Umm Muhammad, a mature woman over the age of 40, tells her story.

I lived a life of modest means with my husband. There was never any closeness and harmony, and my husband did not have the kind of strong personality that a woman would hope for, but his good nature made me overlook the fact that I was the one who was responsible for most of the decision making in the family.

My husband often used to mention the name of his friend and business partner, and he would talk about him in my presence, and I often used to meet with him in his office which was originally part of our apartment. This went on for many years, until circumstances led to us exchanging visits with this person and his family. These family visits were repeated and because of his close friendship with my husband, we did not notice how the number of visits increased and how many hours a single visit would last. He often used to come on his own to sit with us, me and my husband, for long visits. My husband’s trust in him knew no bounds, and as days passed I got to know this person very well, and saw how wonderful and decent he was. I began to feel a strong attraction towards this man, and at the same time I began to sense that the feeling was mutual.

Things took a strange turn after that, when I realized that this man was the kind of person I had always dreamed about. Why had he come along now, after all these years? The more this man’s status increased in my eyes, the more my husband’s status diminished. It was as if I had needed to see the beauty of his character in order to discover how ugly my husband’s character was.

The matter between this person and myself did not go beyond these persistent thoughts which were occupying my mind night and day. Neither he nor I ever voiced what we felt in our hearts… until today. Yet despite that my life is over and my husband is little more than a weak man with no self-esteem. I hate him and I do not know how all this hatred towards him started to boil over. I wonder how I put up with him all these years, bearing all these burdens by myself, facing life’s problems on my own.

Things got so bad that I asked him for a divorce, and he divorced me at my request. After that he became a broken man. Even worse than that is that after my marriage was wrecked and my children and husband were devastated, problems arose in this man's family. His wife, with her feminine intuition, realized what had been going on in his heart of hearts, and his life became hell. She was overwhelmed with jealousy to the extent that one night she left her house at 2 a.m. and came to attack my house, screaming, weeping and hurling accusations. His marriage was also about to collapse.

I admit that the lovely gatherings which we used to enjoy gave us the opportunity to get to know one another at a time that was not appropriate at this stage in our lives.

His marriage has been wrecked and so has mine. I have lost everything, and now I know that my circumstances and his will not permit us to take any positive step towards coming together. Now I am more miserable than I have ever been, and I am looking for illusionary happiness and lost hopes.

Tit-for-tat

Umm Ahmad tells us:

My husband had a group of married friends, and because of our close friendship with them, we used to get together with them once a week in one of our houses, to enjoy an evening of chat.

Deep down in my heart I was never really comfortable with the atmosphere in which we would have dinner, sweets, snacks and drinks of juice accompanied by waves of laughter because of the jokes and chit-chats that often went beyond the bounds of good manners.

In the name of friendship, the barriers were lifted and every now and then one would hear suppressed laughter between a woman and the husband of another woman. The jokes were too much, dealing – with no sense of shyness –with sensitive topics such as sex and women’s private matters. This was usual and was even accepted and regarded as desirable.

Although I indulged in these things along with them, my conscience made me feel guilty. Then the day came when it became quite clear just how ugly and filthy this atmosphere was.

The telephone rang, and I heard the voice of one of the friends in this group. I said hello to him and apologized that my husband was not home. He replied that he knew that, and that he was calling to speak to me! After he suggested starting a relationship with me, I got very angry and spoke harshly to him and cursed him. All he could do was laugh and say, “Don’t try and show these good manners to me; go and check on your husband’s good manners and see what he is doing…” I was devastated by what he said, but I pulled myself together and said to myself, this person is only trying to cause the break up of your marriage. But he succeeded in planting the seeds of doubt concerning my husband.

Shortly after that, the major disaster struck. I discovered that my husband was cheating on me with another woman. It was the matter of life or death as far as I was concerned. I found my husband out and I confronted him, saying: “You are not the only one who can have a relationship. I have received a similar proposition.” And I told him all about his friend. He was stunned and absolutely shocked. (I said “If you want me to respond in kind to your relationship with that woman, then this is for that, tit-for-tat.” This was a huge slap in the face for him. He knew that I did not intend to do that in reality, but he realized the great disaster that had befallen our lives and the immoral atmosphere in which we were living. I suffered a great deal until my husband finally left that loose woman with whom he was having a relationship, as he admitted to me. Yes, he left her and came back to his family and children, but how can I ever feel the same towards him as I used to? Who will restore respect for him in my heart? This huge wound in my heart is still bleeding out of regret and rage at that filthy atmosphere; it still bears testimony to the fact that what they call innocent get-togethers are in reality anything but innocent. My heart still begs for mercy from the Lord of Glory.

Intelligence can also be a temptation (fitnah)

‘Abd al-Fattaah says:

I work as the head of department in one of the big companies. For a long time I admired one of my female colleagues, not for her beauty, but for her serious attitude towards her work, her intelligence and her excellent achievements – in addition to the fact that she was a decent and modest person who focused only on her work. This admiration turned into attachment, and I am a married man who fears Allaah and never misses any obligatory prayer. I expressed my feelings to her and she rebuffed me. She is married and has children as well. She sees no reason why I should have any kind of relationship with her, whether it be friendship, as work colleagues or based on admiration… etc. Evil thoughts come to me sometimes, and deep down I wish that her husband would divorce her so that I could get her.

I started to put pressure on her at work and put her down in front of my bosses. Perhaps this was a form of revenge on my part, but she accepted it with good manners and did not complain or comment. She works and works; her performance speaks of her quality, and she knows this well. The more she resisted me, the stronger my infatuation grew.

I am not a person who is easily tempted by women, because I fear Allaah and I do not overstep the mark with them and go beyond what is required by my work. But this woman attracted me. What is the solution?… I do not know.

Baby ducks know how to swim

N.A.A., a nineteen-year-old girl, tells us:

At that time I was a little girl. My innocent eyes watched those evening get-togethers when family friends would meet in the house. What I remember is that I could only see one man, who was my father. I watched him as he moved about the room, how his glances would devour the women present, looking at their thighs and chests, admiring this one’s eyes, that one’s hair, the other’s hips. My poor mother had no choice but to take care of these get-togethers. She was a very simple lady.

Among the women present there was one woman who would deliberately try to attract my father’s attention, sometimes by coming close to him, and sometimes by making enticing movements. I would watch this with concern, whilst my mother was busy in the kitchen for the sake of her guests.

These gatherings stopped suddenly and I tried, young as I was, to understand and make sense of what had happened, but I could not.

What I remember was that my mother collapsed completely at that time, and she could not stand to hear my father’s name mentioned in the house. I used to hear mysterious words whispered by the adults around me: “Betrayal… bedroom… she saw them with her own eyes… despicable woman… in a very shameful position…” etc. These were the key words which only the adults could understand.

I grew up and came to understand, and I bore a grudge against all men. All of them were treacherous. My mother was a broken woman and accused every woman who came to us of being a man-snatcher who wanted to make my father fall into her trap. My father hasn’t changed. He is still practising his favourite hobby of chasing women, but now he does it outside the home. Now I am nineteen years old and I know lots of young men. I feel great pleasure in taking revenge on them, because every one of them is an exact copy of my father. I tempt them and entice them, without letting them get anywhere near me. They follow me in gatherings and in the marketplaces because of my movements and deliberate gestures. Sometimes my phone never stops ringing and I feel proud of what I do to avenge the sex of Hawwa’ and my mother. But sometimes I feel so miserable and such a failure that it almost chokes me. My life is shadowed by a huge dark cloud, and its name is my father.

Before it is too late

S.N.A. tells of her experience:

I never imagined that my work circumstances would force me to be in contact with the opposite sex (men), but this in fact is what happened…

In the beginning, I used to cover and screen myself from men by wearing niqaab (face-veil), but some of the sisters advised me that this dress was attracting more attention to my presence, and it would be better for me to take off the niqaab, especially since my eyes were somewhat attractive. So I removed the cover from my face, thinking that this was better. But by continuing to mix with my colleagues, I discovered that I was the odd one out because of my antisocial attitude and my insistence on not joining in the conversation and chatting with others. Everyone was wary of this “lone-wolf” woman (as they saw me), and this is what was stated clearly by one person who affirmed that he would not want to deal with such a snooty and stand-offish character. But I knew that I was the opposite, in fact, and I decided that I would not oppress myself and put myself in a difficult position with my colleagues. So I started to join in their chats and exchanges of anecdotes, and they all discovered that I could speak eloquently and persuasively, and that I could influence others. I could also speak in a manner that was determined yet at the same time was attractive to some of my colleagues. It was not long before I noticed some changes in the expression of my direct supervisor; with some embarrassment, he was enjoying the way I spoke and moved, and he would deliberately bring up topics in the conversation where I would see that hateful look in his eyes. I do not deny the fact that I started to entertain some thoughts about this man. I found it astonishing that a man could fall so easily into the trap of a woman who was religiously committed, so how must it be in the case of women who adorn themselves and invite men to commit immoral actions? In fact, I did not think of him in any way which went beyond the bounds of sharee’ah, but he did occupy a space in my thoughts for quite some time. But soon my self-respect made me reject the idea of being a source of enjoyment for this man in any way, shape or form, even if it was only psychological in nature, and I stopped getting involved in any kind of work that would force me to sit alone with him. In the end, I reached the following conclusions:

1- Attraction between the sexes can occur in any circumstances, no matter how much men and women may deny that. The attraction may start within the bounds of sharee’ah and end up going beyond those bounds.

Even if a person protects himself (by marriage), he is not safe from the snares of the Shaytaan.

3- Even though a person may be able to guarantee himself and he works with the opposite sex within reasonable limits, he cannot guarantee the feelings of the other party.

Finally, there is nothing good in mixing and it does not bear fruit as they claim. On the contrary, it corrupts sound thinking.

What now?

We may ask, what comes next, after this discussion on the matter of mixing?

It’s about time for us to recognize that no matter how we try to beautify the issue of mixing and take the matter lightly, its consequences are bound to catch up with us, and the harm it causes will have disastrous results for our families. Sound common sense refuses to accept that mixing is a healthy atmosphere for human relations. This is the sound common sense which made most of the people included in this survey (76%) prefer working in a non-mixed environment. The same percentage (76%) said that mixing is not permitted according to the sharee’ah. What makes us sit up and take notice is not this honourable percentage – which indicates the purity of our Islamic society and the cleanness of its members’ hearts – but the small number who said that mixing is permitted; they number 12%. This group, with no exceptions, said that mixing is permitted but within the limits set by religion, custom (‘urf), traditions, good manners, conscience, modesty, covering and other worthy values which, in their opinion, keep mixing within proper limits.

We ask them: is the mixing which we see nowadays in our universities, market-places, work-places and family and social gatherings, taking place within the limits referred to above? Or are these places filled with transgressions in terms of clothing, speech, interactions and behaviour? We see wanton displays of adornment (tabarruj), not proper covering; we see fitnah (temptations) and dubious relationships, with no good manners and no conscience and no covering. We can conclude that the kind of mixing that is happening nowadays is unacceptable even to those who approve of mixing in a clean atmosphere.

It’s about time for us to recognize that mixing provides a fertile breeding-ground for social poisons to invade and take over our society without anyone ever realizing that it is mixing which is the cause. Mixing is the prime element in this silent fitnah, in the shade of which betrayals erupt, homes are wrecked and hearts are broken.

We ask Allaah to keep us safe and sound, and to reform our society. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.

IslamQA.com

Don't let her play you?
Unexpectedly kissed...wow yeah right.

You have no reason to trust you when she KISSED a guy while she was engaged with you.

Confront her like a man, and tell her WHY you don't want to trust her. And what guidelines she has to go by in order to stay your fiance, in order for that to work out.

Assalamualaikum

You have to make it clear to her why you prohibit her from mixing around mith guys. Tell her it is not only about jealousy, but jealousy in Allah's path.

Tell her Islamic guidelines about how men and women mix in Islam, when, why they can talk. When why and condotions that they cannot talk. How to talk. Not to talk in husk or soft voice. Not to smile or laugh while talking, not looking at each others eyes. Not to touch each other or even hold the same handkerchief.

But why? Why not to do this and that. because Allah has promise naar for that. but why? what's wrong with all those talking? we never know other peoples intention, such smiles sometimes will lead to zina. Zina is a big sin but acts that can lead to zina is also sins. People might not do zina the big sin, but lots of small sins also will lead us to naar. Tell her that you want to live with her in this world and after qiamah. Tell her even you are entitle for the smallest jannah, you want to go there with her, don't want her to spent time in hell while you are just watching from your jannah with 70 angels around you.

If she cannot accept this, leave her for (let say) 2 weeks, and then ask her if she can accept your advice. If not then, I think bro you have find other lady who love jannah.

But wait, you can't leave her. Does she love Islam? You have to try your best to make her love Islam. Make her understand that life does not stop when you die. The day after is longer and no time limit. What ever we do now is accountable for the day. big thing small thing all will be counted. Do you think those people who just do whatever they want to do will go to jannah? No. If they do thing because of their iman, they will go to jannah. If they do good deeds because they fear Allah, they will go to jannah. Some people might drink alcohol and said, I just sip a glass of alcohol, will it make me a bad man? I will not lost my mind just because of a sip of alcohol. But my dear, fear Allah. When He said don't, don't be rebellious. Whatever from Allah is to guide you to better living. A sip of alcohol might taste good and you want more, then you don't realise you have finished 1 glass. and suddenly all you know is that you have finished a bottle. So do the talking. You were just talking, and suddenly you realise that you kissed him or he kissed you... and suddenly you realise the worse thing happen you are in his room. Stop your self before its too late. You will feel good talking to guys because you are addicted to it. and... you will not stop it just because of 1 aqad - nikah.

Tell her that the act is not the act of people from heaven. A muslimah of heaven will talk firmly with non-muhrim but will talk softly with family members. A muslimah from heaven will not laugh with or smile at non-muhrim. A muslimah from heaven will hide herself or try to avoid from a man that have the possibility of marrying her.

Do not scold her but tell her softly so that she can churn it out.

The beauty of Islam is that it protects ladies from evil. It protects ladies from being used or abuse. The beauty of Islam is that it protects family and hasab. If a person is born as a man's son, it is no doubt that he is his son. But if we let the free-mix, there is a degree of doubt.

Alhamdulillah you expected Islam and have been fixing up your life. I am also a new convert and have really been trying to fix my old habits.

I don't think you are overly jealous. I think anybody would be worried if their finance went out with other guys/girls. You really need to sit down and talk to her about all of this and how you feel before you get married. You don't want to get married and then have to rethink it afterwards. Marriage is a very serious thing and shouldn't be done just to do it.

She should also know that by hanging out with these guys is bad. I am pretty sure she knows what things can happen when guys and girls spend too much time together. I do not think the kiss was a surprise to her though, sorry, but there must be something else going on. Maybe she doesn't know that, but just by hanging out with him theres something.

Don't try to rush things. Talk to her about it and let her know that what she is doing is ruining your trust for her. Once trust is broken its really hard for it to be put back together. I wish you both the best!

Salaams...

short and blunt:

no confrontation,no retaliation, no showing who's boss.

just simply tell her brother "that's not the time of woman that i want to raise my children. May Allah[swt] guide you both and may He guide myself as well."

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 33:
Narrated Usama bin Zaid:
The Prophet said, "After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women."

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Allah[swt] is testing your commitment to your deen. don't be distracted.

move on, study your deen!

i can post some links if you want, In Sha'a Allah.

when you are ready, find a Muslimah with Taqwah!

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers

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Book 008, Number 3465:
'Abdullah b. Amr reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.

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Seems like you don't trust her. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her directly/discuss things that are disturbing you. Then you go from there...

I think u should first make sure that she is practicing islam well, because if she is not, then that's explain why she keep doing those things that upset Allah first then you brother......sorry if I am offending you but its obvious at least to me

you should think again over that brother, most of things that happened before are seriously dangerous.....
going alone with non-mahram man in the car :?
unexpectedly kiss...:?
think about it brother

“A woman is married for four reasons, her wealth, lineage, status and Deen. Choose the one who is religious.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)

make sure my brother that the forth condition is fulfilled here so you will not regret your choice later

May allah guide you to the best brother

I think sister saya is right in what she says make sure she is practising becouse if she was practicing she wouldn't be out with her friends still unless they were muslimahs and she wouldn't have let some one Unexpectedly kiss her and she wouldn't have excepted a ride in his car lol

akhee, you are a new convert! you have seen the light!! heck you need to be wrapped in a blanket and given hot choclate!, thats how speacial you are! and this girl, ...........but ah...the beauty,..... thats the catch huh.....you will ignore her, excuse me if this offends, for love is blind and you might get angry, promiscuous and dispicablly loose behaviour and marry her because shes beautiful, your going to ruin your future marriage, and most likely your life...for what.....a pretty face???....you men baffle me.


She is making you feel guilty by telling you your over protective and jealous, simply so that she can carry on being with other men, shes walking all over you, hurting and confusing your emotions, when she should be guarding her chastity and waiting for you only................and you will be marrying in december!!!!!

her parents dont know of her antics..........yet your wittnessing them!!...omg...shes hiding her sins from her parents who raised her and cared for her, who love her much much more than you do, shes doesnt care about their feelings or that Allah her creator is watching her, so your just another perosn to lie to and make a fool of.


and the jealousy you feel is perfectly normal, its the quality of believeing men! who honour and protect their women from every other male...and your feeling guilty...what for!!!!!!!

next time you post her, please tell us youve taken that ring off her finger, told her how shes not what you thought (a chaste, believing, pure muslim)and walk out of that room and dont look back!...and believe me Allah will bless you with someone very amazing if u give this sacrifice, someone with all the qualities she lacks, and by the looks of it, will never have.


thank you for reading my rant

Brother I do not buy "Kissed me unexpectedly". A kiss!!! This is your fiancee we are talking about. How dare another man even touch her??? :raging:

I know it can be very hard. Don't take this the wrong way but free mixing and kissing with guy's is a bit extreme.

The choice is your's but I would not put up with anything like that. You deserve better Brother. Don't make your life hell. There are so many noble and pious sisters out there.

You deserve better

Tornado said:

Seems like you don't trust her. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her directly/discuss things that are disturbing you. Then you go from there...

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Actually, it seems that he's being too trusting of the girl.
No offence to the original thread starter, but I don't think she's worth your time. If she could 'accidentally' get kissed by her male friend whilst engaged to you, she definitely ain't worth your time..
She really needs to sort herself out and think of her priorities. This world or the Aakhirah. Fair enough she may want to have fun or what not, but there's absolutely no need whatsoever to do so with the opposite gender.

you dont at all sound too over-jealous.
Flip the coin a minute, what if this was a man doing these things with other women?