Marriage break up

Assalamu Alaykum

I just would like to share my story and seek support since I am not coping well at the moment.

My husband and I have agreed to divorce, because he has fallen out of love for me and has declared that islam is not the right religion for him. He reverted to Islam just before we got married. I always thought that he had strong faith but unfortunately due to events that have happened in the last 8months he has lost his faith.

My husband is in the military and due to his work commitments we have been separated for 2 years. This year he has been deployed overseas to a third world country. But the problem didn't surfaced until April this year. He came home in April during his holiday and told me that he has actually been lonely in the marriage because I could not engage and connect with him. He has realised this because he met a woman who was able to engage and connect with him intensely that he realised what was missing from our relationship. He also said I don't talk to him enough to express my feelings. I connect better with my girlfriends and parents than with him and he constantly felt left out.

Of course I was shocked because there was no indication of his loneliness previously and because he always mentioned how complete he felt with me. Anyway, he went back overseas after 10 days at home and things deteriorated since. He formed a close friendship with the woman but in the end she left him because she was also married and had the same problem ie: husband not engaging etc, and fell in love with my husband instead. So she cut off the friendship to avoid any problems.

However, the problem didn't end there. My husband formed friendships and connected with other women, and found that he connects better with women than men. He never did anything indecent, just talking and sharing thoughts. That seems to be extremely important to him.

We both have been hurting so much and no matter how much I tried to connect with him it was never enough. He was hurting because he wanted the engagement to come from his wife, the woman he loved but he wasn't satisfied. He wants someone who can explore issues with him, argues, someone who can share his thoughts and explore them. I have been able to listen and understand but I could no respond in the way that he wants. He said we talk at each other not with each other.

My husband is a very intelligent man and thinks very deeply about things. Iam completely different and I don't look at the complexity of things. I accept things and be content easily with things. he questions, explores, researches until he can make his own judgement. He just doesn't get the excitement when he shares his thought process with me.

This caused real loneliness in him and because he doesn't want to have affairs, he wants to have a life partner that can provide him with this fundamental needs of him. And he was hurting really bad brcause he loved me intensely and he now thought he had loved a woman who's not right for him.

During his course of hurt he has cried to Allah to relief him from his pain and the relief never came and he started drinking. He then neglected prayers and coupled with all the bad things that he has seen, the bad things that muslims do to each other, he has formed an opinion that Islam is not right because ALlah is an evil god because he lets people suffer more than they can bear.

I admit that I didn't handle the problem very well because of the shock and the hurt and we ended up hurting each other. He ended up losing his love for me and because I can not provide him the most fundamental need of his, he decided we were wrong for each other and rather than being unhappy its best that we divorce.

He arrived home a couple of days ago to try to work things out but it became apparent that he had already formed an opinion of my inability to connect with him and after declaration tha he is no longer a muslim, I assumed that the marriage is automatically dissolved anyway. I actually was not sure because I don't know whether he declared it because he was confused and under a lot of stress however he was sober and clear when he said it.

We still care deeply about each other and after that episode I realised I shouldn't be in the same house with him. But this is his house too and he had nowhere to go. Also we needed to talk about this issue to try to gain a clearer understanding so we agreed he stays here until he has to go back to his deployment overseas.

But we ended having sex last night. We're still very much attrcated to one another. I feel so guilty because I am wondering whther I have commited zina.

I am still in love with my husband, I am still attracted to him and I have missed him greatly. he is a wonderful man and I have never met anyone as beautiful inside and out as him. I enjoy his company so much and I love listening to him and constanctly in awe of his insights. He is just an amazing human being whom Allah has blessed so much. He is intelligent, insightful, very caring to human beings and other creatures of Allah, he is interested in everything ranging from gardening, woodworking, technology, finance you name it and he excels in everything that he does. He always tries to do the right things. He swam to save a bug from drowning. He cared for an injured bird. He saved a woman from almost being beaten. He took a lizard off the road to stop it being hit by a car. He planted a beautiful red rose for me and waited until it blossomed and bought me a beautiful vase and put a rose in the vase and leave it on my bedside table as a surpise for me. He is also 6 foot 6 tall and extremely good looking, very charismatic.

All these qualities of him made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him during our almost 9 years of marraige and I could not find a better muslim at heart because he comprehends and practice the essence of Islam, not just the superficiality of praying 5 times a day etc. Sometimes I laid awake at nights watching him sleep and thank ALLah SWT for giving me this wonderful person as my husband and that Allah keeps our marriage strong. I also prayed that Insya Allah he will be my mate in the hereafter too.

I was happy with him. Yes I woudve liked him to be a bit more religious, by suggesting he goes to quran classes because its been 10 years since he became a muslim but he still not able to read Quran in Arabic. But I let that go and I wasn't dissatisfied with him, because I thought the way he lives his life as a muslim was more important than being able to read quran in Arabic. He is the sort of person that when he learns the Quran and Hadits he tries to comprehend it, acts upon it and wait a long time until he goes to the next one.

I was content with the life we had but its obvious he wasn't. I offered to change to be more attentive and try to engage with him the way he needs and give him space to connect with other women so long as he doesn't go beyond the boundaries if I still can't meet his needs. I also offer to leave him alone with his religion. So long as he profess There's no God but Allah and Muhammad is the Messanger then he is free to explore Islam and questions it the way he sees fit. because thats part of the learning process of the faith. That would be between Allah and him.

His reaction to that is that I would never be able to satisfy him and he doesn't want me to force myself to become someone I am not. We are just wrong for each other.

I have gained strength during the last 8 months but when he eventually came home I realised more and more how much I would miss this wonderful man and that I could never share my life with him again. I kept blaming myself for what have happened, for not being able to make him happy. For handling the problem the way I did which in trun made him lose his love for me. I know everything has been pre-ordained by Allah SWT and there's no one to blame. But I could not help thinking ALlah has given me this beautiful man in this world yet I have now lost him. I felt I didn't do my best as a wife because i couldn't make my husband happy.

I am extremely sad and this sadness just hurting me so badly. I am in so much pain and I tried to take it on him by blaming him unfairly. I tried seeeking forgiveness from Allah, for Allah to give me strength to continue with my life and for Allah to make it easy for me to go on without him.

But I can not find peace in my prayers anymore, I am left with pain so deep everytime I think about not being able to have this wonderful man as my partner anymore. That I can not share my life with him, can not listen to his insights etc. I just love this man so much...I regret that we didn't have children together because at least that way I will always have part of him with me. We originally planned to start a family next year.Now that will never happen....

I just can not bear it.....I feel I am drowning...

Greetings and peace be with you finsgirl,

Such a tragic story, I will keep you in my prayers. You describe your husband as a caring man; maybe he has been disturbed by the sights of dire poverty that is evident in the third world, maybe he sees some injustice being done that disturbs him.

During his course of hurt he has cried to Allah to relief him from his pain and the relief never came and he started drinking. He then neglected prayers and coupled with all the bad things that he has seen, the bad things that muslims do to each other, he has formed an opinion that Islam is not right because ALlah is an evil god because he lets people suffer more than they can bear.

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He is possibly feeling very angry with himself for drinking and loosing faith, understanding and believing that we can be forgiven is sometimes very hard for us to do.

I asked for Strength.........
And Allah gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom.........
And Allah gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity.........
And Allah gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage.........
And Allah gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love.........
And Allah gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favours.........
And Allah gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted
I received everything I needed
My Prayer has been answered.

In the spirit of praying for peace and reconciliation,

Eric

:salamext:

ukhtee i'm sorry to hear your story...it really makes me cry *hugs.

Just remember that humans love wont last forever, Allah's mercy and love will last till the end.

Just remember the hadith sayings
Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira :anhum: : The Prophet Muhammad :saw: said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."

[Sahih Bukhari: Volume 7, Book 70, Number 545]

I know it easier to say that done...but you can't force your husband to stay. Love can never be forced. And no one can forced you to stop loving your ex.

Don't be fooled by the romantic loves potrayed in the tv. Just remember the reality of this world.

And remember you are not the only one going through this. There are so many women out there are having the same problems.

Try sharing your stories with the other wives...InshaAllah they can lessen the pain...

http://www.muslimmomscafe.com/


'A'isha reported that (one day) there sat together eleven women making an explicit promise amongst themselves that they would conceal nothing about their spouses.

The eleventh one said: My husband is Abu Zara'. How fine Abu Zara' is! He has suspended in my ears heavy ornaments and (fed me liberally) that my sinews and bones are covered with fat. So he made me happy. He found me among the shepherds living in the side of the mountain, and he made me the owner of the horses, camels and lands and heaps of grain and he finds no fault with me. I sleep and get up in the morning (at my own sweet will) and drink to my heart's content. The mother of Abu Zara', how fine is the mother of Abu Zara'! Her bundles are heavily packed (or receptacles in her house are filled to the brim) and the house quite spacious. So far as the son of Abu Zara' is concerned, his bed is as soft as a green palm-stick drawn forth from its bark, or like a sword drawn forth from its scabbard, and whom just an arm of a lamb is enough to satiate. So far as the daughter of Abu Zara' is concerned, how fine is the daughter of Abu Zara', obedient to her father, obedient to her mother, wearing sufficient flesh and a source of jealousy for her co-wife. As for the slave-girl of Abu Zara', how fine is she; she does not disclose our affairs to others (outside the four walls of the house). She does not remove our wheat, or provision, or take it forth, or squander it, but she preserves it faithfully (as a sacred trust). And she does not let the house fill with rubbish. One day Abu Zara' went out (of his house) when the milk was churned in the vessels, that he met a woman, having two children like leopards playing with her pomegranates (chest) under her vest. He divorced me (Umm Zara') and married that woman (whom Abu Zara') met on the way. I (Umm Zara') later on married another person, a chief, who was an expert rider, and a fine archer: he bestowed upon me many gifts and gave me one pair of every kind of animal and said: Umm Zara', make use of everything (you need) and send forth to your parents (but the fact) is that even if I combine all the gifts that he bestowed upon me, they stand no comparison to the least gift of Abu Zara'.

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And remember too...

The sayings of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (blessings and peace be upon him):

‘The most perfect believer in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.’

[The above quotation was said by Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah]

Stay strong and remember what we already have.

May Allah keep your eeman strong and find peace in your life

Thank you so much for the support Eric and ukhtee syilla

I really like the poem you wrote at the end of your comment, Eric. Its wonderful to see that a Christian could understand what I'm going through so well. Looks like our religions have more in common than we think.

I have full trust in Allah SWT. After hardship there will come ease. All I can do now is to keep praying to Allah to give me strength patience and preseverance to always do the right thing, and I pray that He guides me all the way.

Jazakumullah Khayr.

may Allaah guide him.

A female companion of the prophet sallallahi alaihi wasallaam became a muslimah and convinced her husband to become muslim. After some time due to persecution they immigrated to the land of the negus. After a while her husband became a disbeliever and she cried to Allaah to give her strength and support her... then a few days later she married our beloved nabi sallallahi alaihi wasallaam.


be patient sis, may Allaah reward you !

Assalamu Alaikum

:salamext:

Also I think it was Umm Salama? The Prophet (SAW's) wife? Who loved her husband so much....but her husband told her to marry if he died, and she had the privilege of marrying the Prophet Muhammad (SAW)...

Although it CAN be really hard to let go of someone you love, there's no doubt in that...

IbnAbdulHakim said:

may Allaah guide him.

A female companion of the prophet sallallahi alaihi wasallaam became a muslimah and convinced her husband to become muslim. After some time due to persecution they immigrated to the land of the negus. After a while her husband became a disbeliever and she cried to Allaah to give her strength and support her... then a few days later she married our beloved nabi sallallahi alaihi wasallaam.


be patient sis, may Allaah reward you !

Assalamu Alaikum

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Asalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatu,

Hadhrat Umm Habibah (RA)?

Ameen to both your duaas.


Ukhti fiinsgirl, have patience Insha Allah for Allah (SWT) is with the patient. Make lots of duaa and prayer.

I think you should ask a scholar about your marriage still being valid or not Insha Allah.

Greetings and peace be with you finsgirl;

I really like the poem you wrote at the end of your comment, Eric. Its wonderful to see that a Christian could understand what I'm going through so well. Looks like our religions have more in common than we think.

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I can take no credit for the poem, I did copy it from this forum some time ago but sadly forgot to copy the name of the person who wrote it. I think that people of all faiths can understand the distress of a broken heart, we are all created by the same God; and yes it has happened to me maybe thirty five years ago.

I have full trust in Allah SWT. After hardship there will come ease. All I can do now is to keep praying to Allah to give me strength patience and preseverance to always do the right thing, and I pray that He guides me all the way.

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It is tremendously hard to persevere with love and pray to Allah for a continued strength so that you may survive your weakness. But reading between the lines you seem to have this inner strength and faith and there does not seem to be any anger on your part.

and after declaration tha he is no longer a muslim, I assumed that the marriage is automatically dissolved anyway. I actually was not sure because I don't know whether he declared it because he was confused and under a lot of stress however he was sober and clear when he said it.

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If there is anything worth fighting for in your marriage then do not give up hope; persevere with love and forgiveness. Always keep praying and hoping that Allah will restore your husbands faith. Do not give up on him. Surely Allah will not give up hope for him.

Blessings and peace be with you,

Eric

The poem is a very famous one...

i have it since i was a teenager

Finsgirl,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It hurts to see someone who has tried so hard to make something work as much as you have and keep someone you've treasured as you have in pain for the loss. It's like losing a best friend.

The tests of life will come, each of us tested in his or her own way, but the one who succeeds and comes out of the test comes out stronger and better in the end. I feel that insha'Allah, from what you have written, as terrible a time you're going through, you're not like most people and you'll find that inner strength to put one foot in front of the other day by day and take yourself in whatever direction is best for you, with the guidance of Allah subhaana wa ta'aala.

And never despair of asking in du'aa from Allah, because He is always answering your du'aa, and when you raise your hands in supplication, He is still give you something back, never ever doubt that, and never stop asking for what you want.

Greetings and peace be with you syilla;

The poem is a very famous one...

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Do you know who it is by please, I do think of it often

In the spirit of praying for a greater interfaith friendship

Eric

Eric H said:

Greetings and peace be with you syilla;


Do you know who it is by please, I do think of it often

In the spirit of praying for a greater interfaith friendship

Eric

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Unfortunately i don't know...

it is only written... - Unspoken Prayers, Anonymous

Greetings, finsgirl

I have pondered your problem, ever since I read your origial post a couple of days ago.

Can I ask you how long you have been married?
It seems that you have spent most of your marriage being separated from your husband ... that's tough!

I first have to ask you whether you feel your marriage is over because of religious differences?
If that's the case, you probably don't need to read on ... I understand that according to Islam you as a muslimah should not be married to a non-Muslim man.

However, if you feel that your marriage is over due to 'other incompatibilities', but at the same time you both still feel deeply for each other, then why not work on it??
There are many ways for husband and wife to connect, other than just on an intellectual level! And if your husband feels that you 'cannot connect with him intellectually', then what's wrong with him seeking other people to have discussions and debates with?
Do you think it is your role as a wife to meet every single need and expectation of your husband?

Given your long periods of separation, how do you even know that you are incompatible?

I suggest that if you care about each other and are willing to make this marriage work, then you can!

My husband and I are incompatible in some ways, and during the course of our relationship we have moved apart in our spiritual beliefs.
Does that make it tough? Yes, it does! It can be very hard and painful.
But (so far at least) we hold on to the things that bond us together, and we are both committed to make our marriage work.

I pray that you and your husband will experience some peace, and that you will find the best way for both of you.

Peace

Eric H said:

Greetings and peace be with you syilla;


Do you know who it is by please, I do think of it often

In the spirit of praying for a greater interfaith friendship

Eric

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I think it is one of those poems, where the author is unknown.

Interestingly enough it can be found on Christian as well as Muslim sites.
It clearly reflects the teachings of both faiths.

Dear sis, firstly may Allah help u. i beleive none of us here is able to give u a real fatwa, because this is something big. Allah knows whether ur marriage is valid or not. so my advice to u is, speak to a scholar who will answer all ur worries clearly. may Allah make everything easy for u.

hola finsgirl,

why don't you say all of that to him? or have you?

que Dios te bendiga

Hey, your husband needs so time away from the the distractions of life. And so do you sis. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS......dont stop being a muslim. If your husband is having doubts, then that is his test from Allah not yours. if he leaves Islam then their is nothing more you can do for him. In the end he will have to pay the consequences for his actions in this life and the next. As for yourself, pray to Allah and start a new life with or without this man. salam.

Assallamu Alaykum dear sisters and brothers

Assalamu Alaykum dear sisters and brothers


Thank you very much for everyone's support and advice. Alhamdulillah, I have been able to seek inner strength to the point of serenity and calm. My anger has subsided, my sadness & pain have been lifted. Alhamdulillah....

I have reached this through a lot of prayers and reading books, particularly Qur'an. One verse that keeps coming up when I open the Quran is the one that says: "verily, Allah guides Whomever He pleases...." It actually gave me goosebumps since that verse just keeps coming on the surahs that I've been reading. And also the last three verses from surah Yunus (Jonah), particularly the last one which says: "Be patient and persevere in Allah's decision, for Allah is the best to decide". I take it as a sign from Allah.

2 other books that worth mentioning are " Don't Be Sad' ( Laa Tahzan) by 'aidh Ibn Abdulah Al-Qarni and " The Messenger" by Tariq Ramadhan. These 2 books managed to help me to get back to focus and put everything into perspective.

The answers to your question glo, we have been married for almost 9 years, and possibly 3 years out of that we were seperated due to his postings. The previous separations had not caused any problems, at least none apparent that I could see, in fact we missed each other a lot that everytime we saw each other it was like a honeymoon all over again. So there could compatibility issues even then that might've been hidden and had just surfaced. But I think the problem with us now is a combination of a lot of things, much more complex.

Perhaps we have grown so far apart that the connection between us is no longer there. We have grown at a different rate, he has grown more rapidly than I have due to his experiences and it's hard for us to relate to each other anymore beacsue I haven't experienced the same things. He has chosen a certain path, which is not to follow the reliagion of Islam anymore. This in itself is a fundamental issue that can not be bridged. He has fallen out of love for me because of the ugliness that happened between us in the last 8months. Perhaps he suffers from a traumatic stress that caused him to feel and think the way he does. Perhaps he is confused. There are too numerous things involved to mention.

He is still staying with me in the house, in a separate room. I cover myself when I am around him. We remain civil and decent towards each other. That's the best we can do at this stage. He is going back to his deployment overseas in another week or so anyway. And there are a lot of things that we need to talk about to obtain clearer understanding of what happened and how we go from here. This time the separation might be good for both of us, we each will have some space to think things through without any hurt. We have gone through the worst part. We can remain friends and possibly even support each other in times of hardships. Only Allah knows what our future holds.

I believe Islam is not about black and white. Islam is a sensible religion. Just because he said Islam is not the religion for him, he remains on paper my husband until such time arrives when we file for divorce. After all we had shared almost 9 years together. There have been so many memories of which majority are good ones. ANd only Allah really knows what's in his heart.

I am certain in my heart, I do ask guidance from Allah all the time , and I feel I have to be gentle and kind towards him and show compassion. He has had a difficult life, he has been hurting alone and if I can be of any help to relieve his distress than that is also my obligation as a muslim and as a friend. Allah is Most Knowing and He is Most Merciful.

Once, again thank you very much for all the support. We all belong to ALlah and only to Him we return. If Allah takes something away from us, He will replace it with something better. I am taking it day by day, making sure I do the right thing each day. Insya Allah....

Jazakumullah Khayran

Dear Sister,
Salamoalaikum,

Have sabr. Allah is testing your patience and has put you through a test. Ur ability to pass through this test will help you make ur deen stronger.

Ur witnessing the loss of someone so dear to you. It seems you have tried your best. Stop blaming yourself. It's clear your husband has chosen a path for him.

It's better that you get away from him and start ur life anew. Get over with the painful divorce as soon as possible. And start ur life again. This pain will get worse the more you stay with him. And it will make you weaker.
Remmember, Allah has chosen this for you and He knows what is best for you and your husband. So stand strong and also remmember, you are in our prayers.

Wa'salam