having a relationship with a married muslim man

[hayati]

Is it possible that muslim allowed to marry another woman? He wanted us to marry, but the thing is He is already married and i am single. Im a catholic and He is a muslim. I dont want to broke her wife's heart but i love this man a lot my parents also love him so much..but the secret things is I didnt tell my family im going to marry a Married man. Im so confused about if i will be happy with knowing someone is hurting a lot "His wife". I know He love me so much He's taking care of me well although He's far from me. He's just visiting me here in my country were we met 2 years ago..I love him but i have this guilty feeling that im hurting someone. He told me His father wants him to marry me and bring me to their country. Is it allowed for a Muslim man to marry again? i think it is but what will i do, i know She will hate me a lot. And i dont thnk she will agree that her husbnd will marry again, i know she will feel aggraviated. I dont know what i will do i love him so much and i want to start a family with him. please help me if i will continue to marry this man or i will end our relatonship because i dont want to hurt her.. please help. God bless us all.

[------]

:salamext:

Welcome to the forum.

A Muslim man is allowed to have up to 4 wives at one time.

Polygamy and respecting the wife’s feelings

Question:
Polygamy...I understand what Allah (swt)has said regarding this subject in as much as the economic and importance of the family structure however where in the Quaran does it address the distressed feelings of a woman when her husband decides to take another wife, and how these two should live in harmony under one roof?

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

The first wife’s distress when her husband marries another wife is to be expected, and Allaah has set out rules and regulations to reduce these feelings or remove them altogether, by enjoining justice, patience in the face of adversity, and so on. Whatever the case, the fact that these feelings of distress and the dislike of polygamy exist does not justify condemnation of polygamy. Islam came to serve and increase people’s best interests, and to reduce harmful things and render them ineffective. There is no doubt that polygamy, when practised properly in accordance with Islam, achieves many things that are in people’s best interests (such as maintaining the chastity of the man who is not satisfied with one wife, taking care of and maintaining the chastity of the woman who has no husband, increasing the offspring of the Muslims, solving the problem of widows and spinsters, and of the reduced numbers of men after times of war, and so on). As regards the bad things that happen in cases of polygamy, either they are very small when compared to its benefits, or they stem from bad application of this practice. One of the rights which Islam gives to women is that a wife should have her own house, so the two wives do not have to live together under one roof. And Allaah knows best.

Source

[Malaikah]

Does the other wife know? If not, tell her first, otherwise it will be nothing but headache and possibly heartache for everyone involved.

[hayati]

Does the other wife know? If not, tell her first, otherwise it will be nothing but headache and possibly heartache for everyone involved.

yes she knew about it long time ago, but she is still crying and fighting Him everytime her husband will visit me. i feel sad about her.

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[Danah]

I think she has to be satisfied about that first since you both will live with the same man for all of your life. Let her husband try to satisfied her first to avoid the problems that will follow your marriage latter in case she did not satisfied.
sure you dont want to hurt her and dont to live a problematic life, I guess this is the best solution I can offer to you
hope that help

[cute123]

and you SHOULD! you and this nasty man should also feel guilty !

its haram for him to "visit" you before marriage anyway (unless his just seeing you as a proposal which i dont think was your case from what ive heard)

this is very shameful

the man is not good at all, i feel quite sickened at him. infact i feel like to kick him


if you like islaam become a muslim, and i guarantee you will find MUCH better man then he who will marry you without the premarital problems.




Peace to those who follow righteous guidance

Well said !

[Umar001]

Is it possible that muslim allowed to marry another woman? He wanted us to marry, but the thing is He is already married and i am single. Im a catholic and He is a muslim. I dont want to broke her wife's heart but i love this man a lot my parents also love him so much..but the secret things is I didnt tell my family im going to marry a Married man. Im so confused about if i will be happy with knowing someone is hurting a lot "His wife". I know He love me so much He's taking care of me well although He's far from me. He's just visiting me here in my country were we met 2 years ago..I love him but i have this guilty feeling that im hurting someone. He told me His father wants him to marry me and bring me to their country. Is it allowed for a Muslim man to marry again? i think it is but what will i do, i know She will hate me a lot. And i dont thnk she will agree that her husbnd will marry again, i know she will feel aggraviated. I dont know what i will do i love him so much and i want to start a family with him. please help me if i will continue to marry this man or i will end our relatonship because i dont want to hurt her.. please help. God bless us all.

People will be people, jelousy and so forth will happen, but you have to ask is it more than that? Does this wife feel this bad because he already mistreats her? Maybe he married her for the wrong reasons and now feels she is a burden? That is why she is angry and fustrated?

God knows best.

But how do you feel knowing that your husband does not love Jesus the way you love him or does not love God the way you do, actually probably hates the way you love God, i.e. making him three in one, and having a son. What about the future? Exposing your kids to such beliefs.

Boy, this is worrying for me.

[S_87]

if i was in his wifes position i would kill him. in islam just because more than one wife is allowed it does not give men the excuse, nor does it tolerate that men can have affairs on the side. infact the married man who is a zani is under the punishment of death. i know you love this man but think of it. hes cheating on his wife! and shes upset because she feels she cant do anything about it.
lets turn the table. what if you were his wife and found out he was having an affair with another woman? what would you do?

[Umar001]

Am confused, where does it say that the man is cheating on the wife?

EDIT:

Well there is the mention of parents, the op said the brother's parents want him to marry her, I mean, if the family is envolved then surely we can assume good before we assume bad?

I thought we even had a thread about making escuses?

It could be that the brother helps that woman's family out and got to know the lady in the process in a halal way, or maybe they made mistakes in the past but are now doing it as halal as possible.

Allah knows best, why not ask before we all start saying how bad this man is and so forth.

[hayati]

thanks for all the good advice..i really need all these to console me..please dont judge me im only human who can do mistakes. I post here because i know i can find people here that can help and understand me well. He is agood man i can say. He dont want to hurt her also and He dont want to hurt me. Just few minutes ago we talked in the phone and i told Him that i want him to be ready that maybe one day im already gone in his life. All he answered was a drop of tears and sniff. Im really wishing them the best. im still confused I love Him so much. i know God will help me with this. Thanks brothers and sisters for the advice.

[AnonymousPoster]

People will be people, jelousy and so forth will happen, but you have to ask is it more than that? Does this wife feel this bad because he already mistreats her? Maybe he married her for the wrong reasons and now feels she is a burden? That is why she is angry and fustrated?

Jealousy and insecurity may not be due to only the way her husband treats her… some women may already have that insecurity instilled within their personality from a very young age and therefore mentally unable to cope with their husband taking on a second wife, and although the husband may do his best to reassure his wife that a second wife will not change their relationship she may feel that it will. Especially if he wants to discuss this topic often it may make her feel inadequate as a wife. So it may not be his fault… and perhaps if a man were to want a second wife he should also give his first wife the option of divorce? At least give her a way out, and InshaAllah she won’t take that option, but at least she feels as though you have given it to her.
Only Allah knows what’s best for us and what is meant to be will happen anyway.

[Snowflake]

Am confused, where does it say that the man is cheating on the wife?

EDIT:

Well there is the mention of parents, the op said the brother's parents want him to marry her, I mean, if the family is envolved then surely we can assume good before we assume bad?

I thought we even had a thread about making escuses?

It could be that the brother helps that woman's family out and got to know the lady in the process in a halal way, or maybe they made mistakes in the past but are now doing it as halal as possible.

Allah knows best, why not ask before we all start saying how bad this man is and so forth.

I agree with every thing you said. We are not in the position to judge. The fact that the man wants to marry means he doesn't want to be involved in haram relationship. On top of that we don't know what his circumstances are. He might've been forced to marry his wife and as a result has never been happy. And it isn't as if he wants a bit on the side. He wants marriage.

He is entitled to marry a second wife, but his wife's objections are in fact putting him in the position to continue a haram relationship.

Sister Hayati,

When a wife doesn't allow her husband this right or doesn't acknowledge the wisdom and betterment behind it, she will object regardless of whether her husband was involved with another woman or not.

I doubt you set out to break a marriage or hurt anyone. No one can put themselves in your shoes to know exactly what the circumstances were that lead you two to get involved.

The right thing to do is to get married. And remind the brother that he should tell his wife of his intention and also of his right to do that. At the end of the day it is better to do Nikah and avoid falling further into sin. Also be willing for any children you have to be raised as muslims. That is one condition of you marrying a muslim.


May Allah guide all concerned (and us). Ameen.

[Malaikah]

Hold on, I thought Catholics are only allowed to marry other Catholics?

[hayati]

We are allowed to marry other religions. But is it possible for a Muslim to marry a Catholic woman without converting the womans religion? Is it possible? Thanks in advance! God bless.:)

[anonymous]

And i dont thnk she will agree that her husbnd will marry again, i know she will feel aggraviated.

not many women do...since ur in qatar-an arab country- im gonna assume that this couple are arabs:? if yes, dont be suprised, arab women, are very jealous over their husbands...esp if thier syrian :exhausted lol...off topic but anyways...

I dont know what i will do i love him so much and i want to start a family with him.

how do u expect ur husband to be truthful to you anyway...i mean the way he found you, and ur whole relationship is haram anyway...what the makes you think hes not gonna cheat on you:? :)

please help me if i will continue to marry this man or i will end our relatonship because i dont want to hurt her.. please help. God bless us all.

its not so much necessaily that your hurting someone-which is great that ur taking that into consideration btw:statisfie its also (well for me anyways) more like that its been done unlawfully. i mean i f i were married and my hubbi were in this position and got married, etc, and than people asked me how he found his second wife, and i were to tell them through the haram...well u know, thats quite reputation insulting really...

yes she knew about it long time ago, but she is still crying and fighting Him everytime her husband will visit me. i feel sad about her.

i dont blame her...she is shattered..once again how do you expect him not to cheat on you in the future, when ur relationship initiated in the haram...what goes around comes araound...

He is agood man i can say.

i dont think he is to be honest...where is the good in going behind someones back...where is the loyalty....:)

Thanks brothers and sisters for the advice.

no probs...btw i think its great that you are taking her into consideration..:statisfienot many women would :)

Jealousy and insecurity may not be due to only the way her husband treats her… some women may already have that insecurity instilled within their personality from a very young age and therefore mentally unable to cope with their husband taking on a second wife, and although the husband may do his best to reassure his wife that a second wife will not change their relationship she may feel that it will. Especially if he wants to discuss this topic often it may make her feel inadequate as a wife. So it may not be his fault… and perhaps if a man were to want a second wife he should also give his first wife the option of divorce? At least give her a way out, and InshaAllah she won’t take that option, but at least she feels as though you have given it to her.
Only Allah knows what’s best for us and what is meant to be will happen anyway.

exactly, and true say..some women just have an inherent insecurity..which is kinda cute actaully...:Di think their men ought to appreciate that!:D

and as previously said:

this is very shameful
the man is not good at all, i feel quite sickened at him. infact i feel like to kick him
if you like islaam become a muslim, and i guarantee you will find MUCH better man then he who will marry you without the premarital problems.

correct all the way...esp the last part...:sunny:

[hayati]

Well, i thank everyone for giving me advices, it helps a lot to console me and FOR YOU I hope you will find true happiness in your life. God Bless us all.

not many women do...since ur in qatar-an arab country- im gonna assume that this couple are arabs:? if yes, dont be suprised, arab women, are very jealous over their husbands...esp if thier syrian :exhausted lol...off topic but anyways...

how do u expect ur husband to be truthful to you anyway...i mean the way he found you, and ur whole relationship is haram anyway...what the makes you think hes not gonna cheat on you:? :)

its not so much necessaily that your hurting someone-which is great that ur taking that into consideration btw:statisfie its also (well for me anyways) more like that its been done unlawfully. i mean i f i were married and my hubbi were in this position and got married, etc, and than people asked me how he found his second wife, and i were to tell them through the haram...well u know, thats quite reputation insulting really...


i dont blame her...she is shattered..once again how do you expect him not to cheat on you in the future, when ur relationship initiated in the haram...what goes around comes araound...


i dont think he is to be honest...where is the good in going behind someones back...where is the loyalty....:)

no probs...btw i think its great that you are taking her into consideration..:statisfienot many women would :)


exactly, and true say..some women just have an inherent insecurity..which is kinda cute actaully...:Di think their men ought to appreciate that!:D

and as previously said:

correct all the way...esp the last part...:sunny:

[Snowflake]

asalam alaikum,

I don't know whether I'm simply naive or whether it's because I tend to see the good in people before I see bad, but anyway, we shouldn't be throwing accusations at the brother for being a zani. It takes two to commit zana. Then why did no one call the sister a zaniyah to her face? Or it is easier to accuse the brother because he is not here to defend himself? What happened to bringing four witnesses when making such accusations? Fear Allah people. Just because the brother got involved with another woman it does not automatically mean he commited zina.

If he was so bad he could've just had an affair and continued doing so. Why not try to imagine what could've lead him to this. He could've been at a low point of his life and found himself being drawn to Hayati sis for whatever was lacking in his own life? We don't know his side of the story or why things happened the way they did. Are we sure he deliberately let the relationship continue for so long outside wedlock? Or is he in a position where he's trying to do the right thing but is facing obstacles from his wife's side?

It's so easy to judge someone isn't it? Perhaps the very same people doing this would change their mind about the brother if he had a chance to have his say.

Rather than adopting a 'holier than thou' attitude, let's not forget that we are sinful too. Even if the brother did commit zina he might've sincerely repented.

The Prophet (PBUH) said: “One who has repented of a sin (sincerely) is like one who has never sinned at all.”

The Prophet (s.a.w) said regarding the woman from Ghamid who was stoned to death: “She has repented such a repentance that, were it to be divided among seventy of Madina’s residents it would cover them. Have you seen a better repentance than her giving away herself for Allah.”(

lastly, the man who stares upon women with crude intent is also guilty of adultery. Then who are we to judge who is what?

Please, let's refrain from jumping to conclusions without any real valid proof. We do not have shariah law to decide and deal with wrongdoers. And before we ourselves do wrong by making false accusations we should bear in mind that we're supposed to keep pardah of each others sins and make dua to Allah to guide us all.

wa alaikum asalam.

[hayati]

Thank you sister Muslimah. Thanks you so much. You are a very intellegent person. I adore people like you. May Allah Bless you and your family. Thank you so much!

asalam alaikum,

I don't know whether I'm simply naive or whether it's because I tend to see the good in people before I see bad, but anyway, we shouldn't be throwing accusations at the brother for being a zani. It takes two to commit zana. Then why did no one call the sister a zaniyah to her face? Or it is easier to accuse the brother because he is not here to defend himself? What happened to bringing four witnesses when making such accusations? Fear Allah people. Just because the brother got involved with another woman it does not automatically mean he commited zina.

If he was so bad he could've just had an affair and continued doing so. Why not try to imagine what could've lead him to this. He could've been at a low point of his life and found himself being drawn to Hayati sis for whatever was lacking in his own life? We don't know his side of the story or why things happened the way they did. Are we sure he deliberately let the relationship continue for so long outside wedlock? Or is he in a position where he's trying to do the right thing but is facing obstacles from his wife's side?

It's so easy to judge someone isn't it? Perhaps the very same people doing this would change their mind about the brother if he had a chance to have his say.

Rather than adopting a 'holier than thou' attitude, let's not forget that we are sinful too. Even if the brother did commit zina he might've sincerely repented.






lastly, the man who stares upon women with crude intent is also guilty of adultery. Then who are we to judge who is what?

Please, let's refrain from jumping to conclusions without any real valid proof. We do not have shariah law to decide and deal with wrongdoers. And before we ourselves do wrong by making false accusations we should bear in mind that we're supposed to keep pardah of each others sins and make dua to Allah to guide us all.

wa alaikum asalam.

[Snowflake]

:-[:-[:-[

Thank you sis. If there's anything else you wish to share please don't hesitate. You're also welcome to PM me if you want. :)

May Allah guide you to the Truth. Ameen.

[glo]

Please, let's refrain from jumping to conclusions without any real valid proof. We do not have shariah law to decide and deal with wrongdoers. And before we ourselves do wrong by making false accusations we should bear in mind that we're supposed to keep pardah of each others sins and make dua to Allah to guide us all.
wa alaikum asalam.

So true, Muslimah Sis.

It reminds me of the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount:

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
(Luke 6:41-42)

Peace be with you too :)

[dream gurl]

well...i will be confuse too..but try to put urself in 'his wife' foot u wouldnt want ur husband to take another wife..o too much of jealousy is within you..

[Cinderella]

Hayati,

As a Muslimah, I can tell you, a Muslim man is allowed to marry up to four women, if he is able to provide for them financially and treat them equally. Your post was not clear on whether he will be divorcing his wife. Are you happy to become a second wife? There is nothing haram about the two of you wanting to get married however any physical contact between the two of you is haram. I would sincerely advice you to think about this. I know you say you are in love with this man and wish to share a family and a future with but all changes once you marry and live with the person.

All the best.

[TrueStranger]

One thing is for sure a Muslim and a non-Muslim relationship is a disaster.

[Snowflake]

So true, Muslimah Sis.

It reminds me of the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount:


Peace be with you too :)

Peace & thank you for sharing Glo. :)

One thing is for sure a Muslim and a non-Muslim relationship is a disaster.

So can a muslim+muslim relationship be. It all depends on whether they agree & compromise in their marital affairs.

well...i will be confuse too..but try to put urself in 'his wife' foot u wouldnt want ur husband to take another wife..o too much of jealousy is within you..

So we should say goodbye to polygamy because a wife can't deal with her jealousy in allowing the husband his God given right?

[Al-Zaara]

So we should say goodbye to polygamy because a wife can't deal with her jealousy in allowing the husband his God given right?

The funny thing about situations like these, are my first thoughts..
Because the first thing I thought while reading was if he's done it once, he can do it again. Meaning, the way he met this woman and was with her, it was all haram no doubt about it. He wasn't allowed to flirt or meet her or talk to her through the phone, and now after 2 years they are in love. I'm not saying the love is not real, it probably is.

He then goes in want to have a polygamy marriage. This is where I get tough doubts, his grounds for this IS an affair. It took him two years to make-up his decision and that is two years too long, much forbidden was already done here, not just cheating on his wife but also lying to her etc. ZINA is not just sex, there are many forms of zina and obviously he has committed some. Sure, now after so much haram there are two Islamic solutions left, GO AWAY or GET MARRIED. But I'm thinking, it is much his fault here too and Hell yeah he should very well listen to his first-wife, for injustice was done to her and the consequences she will have to bear a long time.

Her jealousy is not just jealousy here, she has to worry about her reputation in her family and her family's relations to this man. Her children's reactions when knowing what base this polygamy marriage (if it goes that far) has and I'm sure in first hand people will feel sad for the first wife, and that is understandable. If things go wrong for the second-wife and the husband she might get all the blame, and this doesn't always have to be the truth, so not only does she have many more responsibilites she also must be such an good example, in this particular situation it takes more strength than being the second-wife, who most probably gets extra much attention and care, which is understandable, but can ALSO be abused.

Polygamy marriage REQUIRES that all wives get rightly treated and yes, love cannot be controlled but lying and stuff can, and already with his first wife he showes trouble with this.

Then again for the first wife to make things a Hell for the second-wife, no that is not correct and not excusable according to Islam, but it has its reasons and so far we must respect that.


If it goes this far, truly good communications and explanations and much symphaty from both sides is desperately needed AND not just that, but patience and willingness to go through this. If not, he has to decide which one, or even one of the women goes.

THIS is the reason why one should discuss about polygamy soon and if interest in another woman occurs, then as soon as possible with ones wife, because this is one of many reasons why a polygamy marriage can go down the hill (faster than monogamy marriages), because MANY hearts are involved.

*sigh* In the end of the day, I really wish all of you will find a good solution and one day feel you're over this horrible incident in your lives.

[Snowflake]

asalam alaikum wr wb,

Because the first thing I thought while reading was if he's done it once, he can do it again. Meaning, the way he met this woman and was with her, it was all haram no doubt about it. He wasn't allowed to flirt or meet her or talk to her through the phone, and now after 2 years they are in love. I'm not saying the love is not real, it probably is.

In the light of the situation we already know the brothers behavior was unislamic - but we aren't here to judge him or wonder if he'll do it again. I really do find it futile when people keep pointing out the obvious, especially as what's been done cannot be changed. Since we are not in the position to punish him or even have the right to, we can only help by giving advice which the sister asked for.

He then goes in want to have a polygamy marriage.

If he is not willing to end his relationship then surely it's better that he choose polygamy.

He wasn't allowed to flirt or meet her or talk to her through the phone, and now after 2 years they are in love. I'm not saying the love is not real, it probably is.

If discussions could change that then I'd invite everyone to join in. I'm sorry but I simply fail to understand how bringing up a person's mistakes resolves anything. All it leads to is the danger of other thinking this bro might be the worst person there is, when in truth only Allah knows that.

Then again for the first wife to make things a Hell for the second-wife, no that is not correct and not excusable according to Islam, but it has its reasons and so far we must respect that.

I do wish from the bottom of my heart that no sister gets hurt in her marriage by any means whatsoever. The wife's jealousy may be excusable in this case, but at the end of the day it doesn't terminate the man's right to take a second wife. We are not personally involved with these persons, so we cannot tell the wife to allow her husband his right - because it's his right. Neither can we tell the brother to leave sis Hayati, or tell her leave him. Yes, the wife will feel jealous and hurt - how she overcomes/forgives her husband is up to her and him. If proven that he commited adultery, she has the right to divorce. If she wants stay married to him, and he with sis Hayati, then she must allow him to marry her. For by not allowing him, she will be the one who is doing harm than good.



wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

[Al-Zaara]

Aleykum selam we rahmetallahu we berekathu,

It's not always bad to point out the obvious, because without doing it the obvious can suddenly disappear. I'm not judging him, I have no idea what his punishment will be and what it should be, I just know what he did was forbidden and to say it was, is not to judge. It's to give out the facts. Yes, they have been given out a lot here but to make a point in my post I had to re-say it.

And when you give advice, you must often say what was wrong in the first place and then give some advice, which I tried to give in the end, as an conclusion. To find a solution it is first hand required to find what went wrong and what should not be done again and then you go to solutions, when you have accepted you did wrong and you wanna do right. It might seem obvious, but you also gotta hear it not just think it.

Yes, now polygamy is the best (only Islamic) solution if he wants to stay with her. But his faults must be told to him, so that he'll learn from his mistakes innit. Then comes the advice.

I know, it is not right from her to refrain the given right from him. But oh boy, it can be hard to accept this fact when her own rights to not be cheated and lied on were not respected.


Adultery has many forms, some do not care if it didn't involve any SEX, it involved other things, first hand being with someone very emotionally who is not your mahram for years, isn't that already adultery? I'd advice the wife to seek for divorce, for how I see it now she seems to never accept a second marriage and he seems to love this other woman, and maybe they'd be happier that way. Allahu Aleem, I'd be interested to know how this ends.

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam/peace;

Is it possible that muslim allowed to marry another woman?...

yes with conditions . But polygamy & having an affair ---these are 2 different things. IF a married man wants to re-marry , then he should go for it in a legal way.

He told me His father wants him to marry me

why a Muslim father wants his married son marries a non-Muslim woman from different country ???

please help me if i will continue to marry this man or i will end our relatonship

if he does not have a good relationship with his wife , then instead divorcing her , it's better to remarry . It will up to her then if she will go for divorce .

Ask him to offer Ishthekhara prayer about marrying you. In the meantime , stop spending time with him .

God bless us all.

Amen.

[aminahjaan]

Don't mess with their relationship, imagine if YOU were the wife. How would you feel? Sometimes when you love someone you have to chose what's best for them. So, you should let it go.