I have always had a problem with people, whether they are relatives, friends or students in my class. I always stutter while talking to people. But as long as I am talking to myself, I do just fine.
Whenever I know that I will be talking to someone, either male or female, I get this feeling of nervousness, and my heart rate starts to increase. Even while I am talking to someone, I keep thinking about what I am going to say, how I am going to say it and how to say it in a way that he/she would not notice my stuttering. So by the end of my conversation, I feel exhausted. It's like whenever I speak to anyone, my mind is working overtime.
I have had this problem since I was young, from around 9 or 10. Now I am 20, and I am still suffering severely.
I have strong English and Arabic language usage as well. I was born in the United Arab Emirates and migrated to Canada 6 years ago for education and eventually also to work.
I recall that my childhood wasn't very pleasant: lots of punishment from my mother and my father, and a lot of beating from my mother. My father was always too busy to talk to me. If he had time to talk, he would start with, 'what grade are you in now.' He never knew what grade I was in, not that I have dozens of brothers for him to have difficulty remembering.
I had an older brother who was 2 years older than me – he had the exact same problem. He used to stutter and all. He died years ago. Now, I am left with this shameful problem at the age of 20.
I try not to use the phone much in order not to hear myself talk like that, because it hurts me a lot to listen to myself speak like a person who is still learning how to pronounce words: like if I want to say the word 'great', I would say 'ggggggggreat'.
The thing that eased this problem a bit for me was when I started to give a lecture on Islam one Friday (I was forced to). I thought that I would never be able to pronounce or utter a word since my heart was about to beat out of my body before I stood up for the khutba. But as soon as I stood up, and started to talk, I couldn't have spoken better in my life. I was actually amazed while I was speaking. I was thinking, while I was giving the khutba, "wow, I can't believe I am speaking fluently without any stuttering whatsoever."
I also speak well with people who are close to me, those who love me and I feel comfortable around, like my fiancée, and some of my friends. But normally, when I am on the phone with an employee or with anyone whom I don't know or have a strong relationship with, I start stuttering and I start experiencing shortness of breath, nervousness and I try to end my conversation quickly to ease the pain and embarrassment. After this sort of conversation, I find myself tired from how much I stuttered and how much I moved from one spot to another trying to make myself comfortable while talking (as if it would help).
I am not sure if this problem has anything to do with confidence, or how violently my parents treated me while I was young, because until this moment, my father still scares me. I barely even talk to him. My relationship with my father isn't good at all. My mom and I have grown to be friends since she has been living here with me in Canada, and now my parents are about to be separated.
I seek your opinion on this matter. This problem is hiding all the goodness in me, hindering me from participating in activities and preventing me from enjoying my life. This problem is tying my tongue into knots. I hope to hear from you soon.
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. We praise Allah and ask His peace and blessing upon His Prophet Muhammad, his family, and his companions.
Dear inquiring brother, we thank Allah for sending you to our site for help with this long-standing problem. There is no problem for which Allah does not have a cure or a solution. At the outset let me say that as far as we know, no one knows the cause of stuttering much less its cure as such. So, from what you describe about your early life and stuttering there seems to be no connection; for example you say that you were ill-treated by both of your parents, yet you were able to make friends with your mother who beat you and now you have no problems around her. You have fear of your father still. Also, you say that you have the problem of stuttering around strangers, people who have done nothing to you; so, what is the fear factor here? You also relate that you were able to speak quite eloquently while giving the khutba before a large audience, which is quite a feat even for a person who does not have a stuttering problem. In addition, you do just fine when you are talking to yourself (no fear factor there). I am not suggesting that you do not have a stuttering problem; I am only saying that the cause of this problem is probably related to something which you are over-looking or are unaware of. So, let’s stop looking for causes in the past and see what can be done to help you ‘stop hiding all the goodness’ in you and start you on the road to enjoying your life more fully.
First, we are reminded that Allah Says in the Qur’an (55:1-4): “The Most Gracious (Allah)! He has taught (you mankind) the Qur’an (by His Mercy). He created man. He taught him eloquent speech.” So, Allah has not only created us and taught us to speak, but to speak eloquently. Therefore, if we have a problem with our speech, we can turn to Allah for a solution. The Prophet Musa (may Allah grant him peace), after being commissioned by Allah to go to Pharaoh (Fir’aun), said to Allah: “O my Lord! Open for me my chest (grant me self-confidence, contentment, and boldness). And ease my task for me; and make loose the knot (the defect) from my tongue, that they may understand my speech.” (Qur’an 20:25-28) This du’a (supplication) of Prophet Musa (may Allah grant him peace) is also applicable to your speech difficulty and should be recited frequently.
In Islam we are also advised that whenever we are going to talk on an important matter, we should invoke the Name of Allah (Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem) as a protection from Satan and for Allah’s blessing upon the matter at hand. This practice makes us conscious of Allah’s nearness – surrounding us with His knowledge. If you recall, you probably made such an opening statement when you began your Friday talk that went so well. This same ‘technique’ can work for you and us on all occasions before speaking, especially when we lack confidence or feel apprehensive. Remember Allah much and call upon Him. He is ever near and awaiting our call for His help.
Another issue you raised in your inquiry is your current, friendly relationship with your mother and your ability to speak easily with her despite her having punished you early on. You may find it helpful to practice forgiveness more widely, especially toward your father as well. It is not required to be friends with people, but we should be ready and willing to forgive them and their past mistakes. By forgiving others their faults, our hearts are at rest and peaceful; we feel less defensive and are open to relate to people easily. Trust, then is no longer an issue when we encounter strangers even in conversation. Remember, too, that practice leads us closer to ‘perfection.’
We pray that Allah will remove our impediments to revealing our goodness to others and help us to appreciate the goodness in them.
Counselor : Mr Abdul Halim Lee
http://www.islamweb.net/ver2/eistish...2.php?id=16228