want to get married but without his parent permision

[BNDGR]

Asalam alaikum,
I am in need of urgent help with a matter. I am a sister who wants to marry a brother who's parents wont agree due to wanting him to marry someone his age.
(I am 40 and he is 27) We love eachother witch in itself should not be happening and are trying to not be sinful and commit fornication. We talk on the phone but don't see eachother often. We both want very badly to marry to avoid sinful acts and be true to Allah. We need advice if it is ok to marry without his parents permission?
Please help with advice on this issue as we don't want to commit sins.
JazakAllah for any advice on this matter.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Keep at it !


inshaAllaah and make plenty of istikhara

[------]

:salamext:

Yeh make istikharah first inshaAllaah.

[BNDGR]

JazakAllah for some answers.
I have been praying Istikara, and as of yet don't have a clear sign. How long do you keep praying it? And should I have an answer in the form of a dream or any sign?

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[AnonymousPoster]

isthikara is to be prayed when youve made up your mind.

the question is how do you know what the right decision is.
when you find out let me know

[BNDGR]

Should I go and talk with the Iman of my my Mosque? I have prayed Istikara and don't have a clear direction. I feel the best way to proceed is to get married and not commit sin, but with that decision comes the problem of it is sunnah to listen to parents and if they don't approve and you do it in secret then are you still sinning??
I know this is a touchy subject but I need any advice on who I should consult in regards to doing things according to Quran and its teachings....

[S_87]

in that case, unlike a woman a man doesnt need a walis permission.
if it is a religious reason they are telling him no, then he should listen to them

however if it is something like age, culture etc then that is not a real excuse.

He should still be sensitive about their feelings though

if you go forward with this, then may Allah bless ur marriage :)

[BNDGR]

There is no religious reason, just age and the fact that he is the only one to carry on family name. I am willing to have children with him so that would not be an issue
Jazakillah Amani for you response.

[islamirama]

In addition to what sister amani said....

The girl does need a wali so make sure you have one. If you are a convert and don't have any family that is Muslim then the Imaam can act as your wali (guardian).

As for istakhaarah, there are no special dreams that you do. First you do you proper research into the matter to become better aware of it and your options then you do istakharah. And you continue doing it till you feel confident and your heart leans toward one option versus the other.

Praying istikhaarah - http://islamqa.com/en/cat/286

[BNDGR]

Asalam alaikum everyone,
Unfortunately I have to say that in talking with him regarding the posts, seems like he will be following with his parents wishes. I have to respect this but hurts very badly.
I am being offered to wait for him and to be second wife?? At the same time he can't seem to understand that I don't know if this is what I want. He doesn't want to let me go. I am confused but every day I feel guilty for continuing to talk to him, but we are business partners also so some of our conversations are reg. business, but others are personal.
I truly understand that this is against the teachings of the Quran and this maybe wouldn't have even happened if would have followed the teachings from the start, but not what.
Is this wrong for him to marry parents choice to satisfy them and then me??

[AnonymousPoster]

Asalam alaikum everyone,
Unfortunately I have to say that in talking with him regarding the posts, seems like he will be following with his parents wishes. I have to respect this but hurts very badly.
I am being offered to wait for him and to be second wife?? At the same time he can't seem to understand that I don't know if this is what I want. He doesn't want to let me go. I am confused but every day I feel guilty for continuing to talk to him, but we are business partners also so some of our conversations are reg. business, but others are personal.
I truly understand that this is against the teachings of the Quran and this maybe wouldn't have even happened if would have followed the teachings from the start, but not what.
Is this wrong for him to marry parents choice to satisfy them and then me??

If it is forced, it is void,

Allahu alim.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

Asalam alaikum everyone,
Unfortunately I have to say that in talking with him regarding the posts, seems like he will be following with his parents wishes. I have to respect this but hurts very badly.
I am being offered to wait for him and to be second wife?? At the same time he can't seem to understand that I don't know if this is what I want. He doesn't want to let me go. I am confused but every day I feel guilty for continuing to talk to him, but we are business partners also so some of our conversations are reg. business, but others are personal.
I truly understand that this is against the teachings of the Quran and this maybe wouldn't have even happened if would have followed the teachings from the start, but not what.
Is this wrong for him to marry parents choice to satisfy them and then me??

ukhtee, if you cant be with him, than stay away from one another!...:) could u quite your job :?
and at the second wifey and waiting thingee, i advice u to pray istikhara...i mean if u wait and other good bros propose and u reject them cos ur waiting etc...i dno you dont wanna reject anyone good, get me?

[S_87]

Asalam alaikum everyone,

Is this wrong for him to marry parents choice to satisfy them and then me??

no it isnt.
At the moment you two are in no wat related so with regards to the 'wrongness' of it, he is not actually doing something wrong by listening and accepting his parents word.
If you do become a second wife, then the first wife will have feelings too..what i mean is i hope he knows what hes doing and doesnt marry a woman just to please his parents and as a result ruin her life (its happened many times before)

If you cannot imagine yourself as a second wife and sharing him, break all contact with him

[BNDGR]

JazakAllah everyone,
Someday's I think I could be a second wife but then on other day's I can't. I am still praying for guidance on the matter.
Amani, I have thought of the issue of him marrying first wife just to please parents and I brought this up to him today, neither one of us want to hurt someone like that. He will inshAllah love his first wife and be caring and compassionate to her.
As for other brothers proposing, I don't think anyone will since I have not said I am looking for marriage. I hear the other sisters talking and mashaAllah they are so happy either being married or on thier way to getting married, I truly wish I was there too.

[pinkorchid]

what if his first wife does not wish for him to have a second wife? is it not true that unless there is some reason like not being able to have children , illness, or something else that he can not marry anyone else unless the first wife approves? i am truely curious about this. it is my understanding that a man should not take another wife for reasons of his own pleasure but rather only as nessisity.

[BNDGR]

Asalam Alaikum Pinkorchild,
I have read some on the subject of marrying a second wife, but I couldn't say exactly.
You have to be able to treat both fair and equitable and first wife should agree, there is I'm sure more but I couldn't say... I hope some of our bros n sis's will give their wisdom on this matter??????
Him marrying who his parents choose would not be forced (just out of respect for thier wishes) he would have to agree on the marriage, the thing is him Mom wants him to marry someone from her same culture, they have someone in mind since forever ago but he is just not sure about her.

[Tania]

But his parents told you they will be agree you to become his second wife :?

[BNDGR]

He told them he was going to marry me as second wife and he wasn't really asking. They already know about me since he talks about me to his family and I have talked briefly to his Mom a few times. We live in different states so I have never met her. His Mom told him she was going to find me a good husband from Kuwait, and he got upset and said that he was going to marry me as second wife that is how he finally told her about what we were talking about, and that was that.
We agreed I would wait 2yrs only and then I told him I would marry someone else.
I don't have any muslim family member and my Dad has already passed away :cry: so if I did end up needing to find a husband he said he would help me.
This is definetely not the ideal situation for either of us, but it is what it is.

[Tania]

I hope it goes well for you sis and you will find happiness. :)
Its very hard to enter in the family where his mom doesn't agree but not imposible. Because its not late try to talk with him again and tell him to marry with you first and after that with the woman chosen by his parents.