Can I...

[Lonely Gal]

pray ishtikhara to see if my husband is cheating or doing unlawful things?

[Cabdullahi]

sister i am not sure ,inshallah i will let some1 equipped with more knowledge than me answer that

[Zahida]

I personally wouldn't recommend that you di Istikhaara for this purpose. Definately not. Sister why do you want to know what he does? Its only going to hurt you, why are you punishing yourself if he is cheating on you thats his sin/crime you will gain nothing by finding out and confronting him but pain and hurt. I would leave him be. If he is doing this as a married man he is Answerable to Allaha[Q:enough!:OTE=Lonely Gal;1019527]pray ishtikhara to see if my husband is cheating or doing unlawful things?[/QUOTE]

[Lonely Gal]

how else can i find out.. everytime i pray to Allah swt if its tru then let me find the evidence.. so much thoughts and doubt go in ma head, and if he is cheatin I do not want to be with him. I dont know what to do. please everyone pray that I find out the truth what ever it may be

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[Zahida]

OK. I understand what you are saying. When my husband did the same to me i was so full of anger how dare he etc etc and i played detective and found out things that i rather would not have known about him. I went through his phone pockets everything that a suspecting woman/wife does, and what i found out only hurt me. I recently found out he has facebook and is chatting with various women. If i confront him what do you think will happen? I don't know sis i would still say don't pray istikhaara for this purpose. If Allah wills for this to be out in the open it will come out remember nothing stays hidden . In the meantime console yourself by prayers, salaat whatever you can and comfort yourself by knowing that you are not committing a sindo you catch my drift?:bump: He was having an affair for six years and playing happy families with me. The girl involved phoned me on numerous occassions to tell me. When i questioned my husband he used to deny it, so he was a liar as well as acheat. And guess what sister..... when their affair ended it wasn't nice for him!!!!!!!! so you see sometimes and i believe strongly in this your patience will be rewarded.

how else can i find out.. everytime i pray to Allah swt if its tru then let me find the evidence.. so much thoughts and doubt go in ma head, and if he is cheatin I do not want to be with him. I dont know what to do. please everyone pray that I find out the truth what ever it may be

[Lonely Gal]

thanks sis, i get what ur sayin, and tru if im meant to find out then I only will if Allah swt wants it to be..
I pray that somehow there is closure to this topic one way or another.. its kills me day in and day out thinkin what he could be doin..

[Zahida]

I know what you are saying. But if he is doing this then it is his problem ok? no-one can solve your problems but you, i can offer you advice and sympathise with your situation. The way i picked myself up was to live for my children and concentrate on making me a better person and leaving him to face the problems he is creating for himself. He is still doing it, and there is nothing i can do but pray that in the end i will be rewardd for my patience. He has committed the sin not you so don't torture and punish yourself. Please. Honestly Allah will do justice. I chose not to leave my husband, because i had children, also sister if i left him how do i know what kind of partner i would end up with? Please take care of yourself i know it is hard and you want to put an end to all this and you feel like crying, screaming killing and night/day this is on your mind!!! i pray to Allah to give you strength, and sincerely wish you all the best.:bump:

thanks sis, i get what ur sayin, and tru if im meant to find out then I only will if Allah swt wants it to be..
I pray that somehow there is closure to this topic one way or another.. its kills me day in and day out thinkin what he could be doin..

[Lonely Gal]

So sorry to hear of the pain u have and are suffering. I dont know what the future holds for me but I do not have serious committments like children so there is an advantage.. i know marriage is for longterm and should not be considered a joke, but I really dont see how I can move on if I find out he is cheatin..
How can one tell u they love u so much, cant live without u, yet they go and play with other women..

[IbnAbdulHakim]

istikhara is to seek guidance from Allaah. It cant show you secret hiddin things.

if you need guidance for something then istikharah is the way to go, its to help you make a decision, an important one.


i hope that helped even slightly


Assalamu Alaikum

may Allaah lighten your affairs, Ameen

[Zahida]

Hmmm........ Men like this are not capable of love and i feel sorry that they do not know the importance of the woman they are joined with in Nikah,or know how to treat them with respect. Do you think such men have respect for their own mothers/sisters? No. Quite simply they also do not have respect for themselves ,also and are not scared of the Aakhirat. I often ask my husband how he would feel if this happened to one of his sisters, but he doesn't have an answer he is very smug but if only he knew that things change withi a split second!!! I used to feel sorry for myself, but now i don't you see i know that i am a better person than my husband and understand the importance of relationships.............:Ddo not have serious committments like children so there is an advantage.. i know marriage is for longterm and should not be considered a joke, but I really dont see how I can move on if I find out he is cheatin..
How can one tell u they love u so much, cant live without u, yet they go and play with other women..[/QUOTE]

[truemuslim]

istikhara is to seek guidance from Allaah. It cant show you secret hiddin things.

if you need guidance for something then istikharah is the way to go, its to help you make a decision, an important one.


i hope that helped even slightly


Assalamu Alaikum

may Allaah lighten your affairs, Ameen

unless she prays istikhaarah that she divorce wit her husban if he were cheating, and stay with him if he not. :D

[noorseeker]

You both sound like very strong women, why us men are like this i never know,
May be you should both sit , down and have a chat , and see why he does this, and work out a solution.

I pray every thing works out for both of you,

[------]

:salamext:

There's something called trust in a relationship, establish that InshaAllaah.

[Lonely Gal]

the reason why I would not sit down and actually discuss this, is because I know I will only be fed more lies and be more confused in ma own head. Everytime I pray I jus ask Allah swt to do whats best for me, I dont know if I should be asking for divorce or staying together. All I know is I am not happy and all Ive ever dreamt of if having a marriage where I am so happy and we'd both be good to each other. I ask Allah swt to guide me to what ever is the right and best thing, to give me evidence one way or another of what is going on with my husband and other people.

[maryam87]

this is scarry, wallah i thought there is no such thing as muslim men cheating on their wives
I feel so niave now
May allah (swt) guide u

[Zahida]

:sl:Those are very kind words from you. JazakAllah. But i am not strong believe me there i times when i have wailed like a banshee, ranted and raved, been depressed......... finally found i achieved nothing. So here i am just gtetting on with it........:w:

You both sound like very strong women, why us men are like this i never know,
May be you should both sit , down and have a chat , and see why he does this, and work out a solution.

I pray every thing works out for both of you,

[Zahida]

You are right.......... you try trusting someone that constantly, lies cheats and decieves you.

How many times can you forgive?

How many times are you supposed to accept their "sorry" and find you are ging through the same****** again>>>

What would you do?????

:salamext:

There's something called trust in a relationship, establish that InshaAllaah.

[Zahida]

It is easy to talk,talk is just words, actions are what count. Darling when i was 23/24 all i ever dreamed of was a happy marraige, it was only later that i learned that there is no such thing. Life is not a bed of roses.......... Carry on praying and InshAllah Allah willguide you and give you strength, also you must make dua for subur.......... At first i was against you doing Istikhaara for this purpose. I went to work and thought about you the whole day. Sister i now think you should do Istikhaara because it might give you peace of mind InshAllah.........QUOTE=Lonely Gal;1019724]the reason why I would not sit down and actually discuss this, is because I know I will only be fed more lies and be more confused in ma own head. Everytime I pray I jus ask Allah swt to do whats best for me, I dont know if I should be asking for divorce or staying together. All I know is I am not happy and all Ive ever dreamt of if having a marriage where I am so happy and we'd both be good to each other. I ask Allah swt to guide me to what ever is the right and best thing, to give me evidence one way or another of what is going on with my husband and other people.[/QUOTE]

[bewildred]

Sister,

Muslims pray Salat Al Istikhara when they're about to take an important decision or when a choice gets corny. We pray that if it's good to our life and deen, Allah may fulfil it. If it's bad to our life and deen, Allah may take it off our path. That's the principle of Salat El Istikhara.

May Allah help you in your personal ordeal.

[Zahida]

If Istikhaara will help our sis get peace of mind then she should do it........ Allah knows best.........:bump:

Sister,

Muslims pray Salat Al Istikhara when they're about to take an important decision or when a choice gets corny. We pray that if it's good to our life and deen, Allah may fulfil it. If it's bad to our life and deen, Allah may take it off our path. That's the principle of Salat El Istikhara.

May Allah help you in your personal ordeal.

[chacha_jalebi]

sister you can always do istikhara for whatever problem you have :D

also, are you like convinved/sure he is cheatin on you? because its not right to suspect anyone, and we are told to avoid suspicion, but however if he is, then give him the boot or if you can work thins out with him!

i hope Allah (swt) eases your difficulties,

[bewildred]

The word "Istikhara" means asking for guidance. When someone has problems, one must make extra duas.

[Musaafirah]

Istikharah salaat is for guidance not to pry as someone else has already mentioned.
Thing is sis, as a muslim you must not be suspicious as this affects only your health.
For all you know, you could go through all this to just find out that nothing was the issue to begin with.
I apologise for sounding harsh and acknowledge that I am not in your situation, but you should leave your trust in Allah.
May Allah make it easier for you.

[Lonely Gal]

i dont wana feel like this, but as there has been incidents that have made me question what is going on, I dont know how can I cannot be suspicious.
I pray to Allah swt that show me and guide me to what the truth is so I can put closure on this topic so that if my thoughts are incorrect, I can once and for all get rid of them and live a better life.

[Zahida]

:s Men are m,en no matter what race, colour religion. except i suppose you don't relly think that Muslim men are like this but, trust me some are doesn't mean all are just those unfortunate one who have lost their way and deen............:w:

this is scarry, wallah i thought there is no such thing as muslim men cheating on their wives
I feel so niave now
May allah (swt) guide u

[Zahida]

:bump::sl: Lonelygirl. I hope you are good. I have been work all day,then various things in evening, busy with my children etc etc. Anyway i do hope that you have prayed istikhaara and feel more at ease. I really did at first feel that this is wrong because Allah will let you know if He wills, i felt your reason for praying Istikharaa was wrong. But as i progressed throughout the day i thought that if you did pray Istikhaara, it might put your mind more at rest, and whatever is between you and Allah is between you and Him alone, so i really shouldn't have been more forcefull with my advice not to pray the istikhaara........... I have felt really angry since i read your e-mail:grumbling, but you are not alone there are others out there suffering too, but it depends on you how to deal with it/resolve it.......... Just want to share with you what someone said to me once "we could break his legs but it won't take away the begharaati"........... What to do eh???? Just want you to know am thinking of you and you are in my dua.:w:

i dont wana feel like this, but as there has been incidents that have made me question what is going on, I dont know how can I cannot be suspicious.
I pray to Allah swt that show me and guide me to what the truth is so I can put closure on this topic so that if my thoughts are incorrect, I can once and for all get rid of them and live a better life.

[Lonely Gal]

hey hope your all well.
InshAllah i will pray ishtikhara today. I have no solid proof about him cheatin that is why I want guidance and help into finding out what is going on.This is affecting the way I am with him cos I cant ask him outright, yet I cant behave as everything is hunk dory. I feel this is the only way I can get peace of mind and move in a direction, depending what the outcome is. If its not tru, I pray Allah swt takes these thoughts away from me and guides me more into our relationship, making it strong.

[Cabdullahi]

Qur'an 49:12
O ye who believe! avoid suspicion as much (as possible):
for suspicion in some cases is a sin:
and spy not on each other nor speak ill of each other behind their backs.
Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?
Nay ye would abhor it...but fear Allah:
for Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful..

sister pray itsikhara inshallah and allah will help you
just stay strong!

[Lonely Gal]

thanks, I know its wrong thats why i pray i find out one way or another asap.
Allah swt knows best.

[5AJ]

well you could be a bit more practical and maybe try goin through his phone? Or perhaps look for tell-tale marks on his neck, see if he comes home smelling of perfume maybe? Or I'm pretty sure that a few years ago there was a website where you could track somebodys mobile via a map and see where they are during the day

[Lonely Gal]

been through phone and theres numbers i do not recognise, that are only dialled and received during his work hours.. he always had his phone on him but on the odd occasion forgot abt it and i ceased the opportunity.. recently, he has started leavein phone around but all call are deleted, the last calls are shown from days ago, which makes me think he is now deleting the history cos if the calls were innocent before.. why would they stop??
When i ring the numbers.. no answer what so ever.
The person I also suspect it with, i have walked in on them on many occasions where they suddenly go quiet and one wonders off secs after i arrive..

[5AJ]

the other option open to you is a bit of the old reverse physcology but you've got to be a strong minded individual to carry it off. Give him a slight taste of his own medicine. Although you're prob burning inside you can act as though you're not bothered by anything he does and make out that it doesn't affect you at all. Believe me, he'll soon show a change of behaviour.

[Lonely Gal]

he so badly has not got a clue that im tinkin wat im tinkin

[5AJ]

he must know that you suspect him othrwise he wouldn't be deleting his call history and walking out of the room everytime you turn up and catch him and 'her' together.

You obviously know this woman you suspect, is she related to you?

[Lonely Gal]

he's becoming smart thats all it is..
yes shes related which is the hardest thing to cope with.

[5AJ]

Well before you take up anybodys advice from this website are there any children to be considered in this marriage? If there are then it's a whole different situation

[Lonely Gal]

nope thankfully.. just me and him..

[Lonely Gal]

I wont just up and take up on advise cos no1 ov nos the situation as clearly as i do, but the I am glad for all ur advise and help. Allah swt is the only one who can truly help me so please make dua for me.. i will be forever thankful

[5AJ]

well that's a diifferent ball game then! There's so much that you can do to drop hints that you know somethng's up... starting to leaving books or DVDs about physotic female killers around the house is a good starting point...then maybe start watching Desperate Housewives and tell him that it's your fave program on TV - he'll start to worry!

[Lonely Gal]

he's from Pakistan - those hints wont sink in!

[5AJ]

Is he permanent in the country or is his passport still green? Tell him he's on the next plane back if he doesn't buck up his ideas. Men really are stupid creatures, we all want our cake and to eat it - then we want to eat somebody elses cake too

[Lonely Gal]

its green... I cant say anything to him as if im wrong then him being a typical guy will not help things, this wayif i find out on me own and suffer on me own its ok..

[5AJ]

My advice to you then would be to try and plan something. You know you can get spy stuff at good prices nowadays. you could plant a listening bug in a certain room in the house where they talk and be listening from the garden for example. He's obviously not gonna slip up on his mobile so you need to move beyond that.

[Lonely Gal]

thought of that jus havent got round to doin it.. i feel guilty as well.. i mean if hes cheatin then i shudnt feel lik that but maybe i just hope he isnt .. i dont know.. kasam never thort marriage could come to this..

[truemuslim]

My advice to you then would be to try and plan something. You know you can get spy stuff at good prices nowadays. you could plant a listening bug in a certain room in the house where they talk and be listening from the garden for example. He's obviously not gonna slip up on his mobile so you need to move beyond that.

no no no spyin is haram bro, go the halal way not haram.

Why can't u talk to him about it?

nd wow relatives i guess are goin extreme>??????? :heated: HOW can she be related ???????? :grumbling :(

[Lonely Gal]

how am i supposed to talk to him about it.. if he is cheatin shows we have little understandin about needs and wants.. he will go off the handle the moment i utter a word about such a thing, let alone the person I think he is at it with..
thats y i pray Allah swt. just gives me the evidence one way or another..

[truemuslim]

I pray for u sis...
Inshallah u can find the evidence u need, and inshallah allah wil make ur life easier nd turn away all the evil from ur life, evil people, nd evil things.......

[Lonely Gal]

thank u appreciate it very much....all of u

[Zahida]

I don't like the idea of that a husband wife relationship should not be so that the wife has to check up on him, if there was any evidence then yes, but otherwise no because our sis will be only hurting herself and trying to find something that is not there, a the moment it is all in her mind/thoughts although i don't know why. With me my husband was foolish enough to leave his mob within reach so that this other woman had contact for me and told me herself. The fact that my husband, lied and cheated about it and continued his sin is another thing he will be answerable. Maybe here you can help me by answereing a question........... They say k iss duniya pe insaan deh k jaata hai, a man pays for his sins in this world......... Do you agree?:bump:oy

well you could be a bit more practical and maybe try goin through his phone? Or perhaps look for tell-tale marks on his neck, see if he comes home smelling of perfume maybe? Or I'm pretty sure that a few years ago there was a website where you could track somebodys mobile via a map and see where they are during the day

[roohani.doctor]

omg i dint know muslim men would do that, esp when they are married and all... there should be love, trust and peace in a marriage, not this...

not sure if you could do istikhara....try to do some detective work and once you are sure then confront him... if that doesnt work talk to your mom about it? or someone in the family?

my heart goes out to you, insha'allah Allah will make it easier for you and reward you in this dunyia and the akhira..

[mazhar_majhu]

Asalaamwa laikum
Dear sister may Allah help you with ur problems.....
after i read all the comments....i think it would be nice if u just keep quite and watch ....i hope by the time passes ur husband will realise what mistake he is doing........... and yes in the mean while pray to god that things work out in a positive manner........
now even think o the possibilty that what we may be thinking may be wrong and hope the same....
there is no point in asking him if there is a possibilty that he may lie ........
lets have patience and hope for the best from Allah's will.......
Ameen

ur brother

[Ushae]

If I read your post correctly you don't have children right ?

I've been in this situation (actually I'm in this situation right now! lol) before so I understand whole-heartedly the stress and pain you're going through.
I think first you need to establish that he is actually cheating. If he isn't and is simply neglecting you, you don't want to make a false accusation.

Do not pray Isthikara on this, it simply isn't the sort of thing for it. Isthikara is for things like who you want to marry, etc

The best thing to do is maintain your prayers daily and do a dua to allah to guide you towards the most correct path. Also talk to your husband, don't ask him if he's cheating. Instead let him know that you feel like you are both falling apart and think you should work on your relationship.

If he is hiding things, then he simply shouldn't. In my opinion there should be no secrets (except a select few) between husband and wife.

Don't let this get out of hand and resolve it early. You will have no regrets since three are no children involved. You want ot spend the rest of your life with someone that makes you feel happy and loved, not unappreciated and disrespected.

[AnonymousPoster]

Salam.
Whoa! May Allah give both enough strength to stay strong =)

I've been cheated on in stupid boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and i felt so hurt, but i wont compare it because simply we all know marriage is WAY MORE important then those silly games. But from that situation, i became more clear and more focused on my deen. I became more excited and patient for the day (if) i will get married (inshallah). I always imagine i would have a nice religious, respectful, and wonderful husband. but i guess its too much to ask for now days. But this is starting to freak me out because I'm around cheaters all the time. Its weird because I have been cheated on as well as...
my sister/ most of my friends/ every male I know almost cheats and think its okay. It makes me think that all the good pious Muslim men are taken..This society has become a disgrace, due to the reason that anyone can walk around married and cheat with no shame. Also, I think the problem now days with the women that are not strong in there deen, is that they offer their selves which catches the males attention.

& remember..
Love everyone for the sake of Allah.

[Lonely Gal]

I have prayed ishktihara to guide me to what ever is best for me.
The thing is its not like he dont give me the attention, he does, but I find it very difficult to give 100% back when i got doubts in me head. in order to save this marriage I want peace in my heart and all doubts resolved one way or another. There are other problems in the marriage too, but I have been dealing with them, the thought of him cheatin is disgustin, no matter what a couple go tru, it should give one of them the right to cheat.
Sis may Allah swt give u guidance in what right and support to keep strong. Have faith in Allah swt.
24/7 I am thinkin of this in ma head, no matter if I am at wrk, eatin, with frends,, anything.. its like a disease thats in me and wont leave.. I dont wana feel like this.. i really dont. Allah swt please help..

[youngsister]

:sl: People are underestimating how sinful and horrible cheating is, Islamically the person would be killed for that.

Subxanallah Sis like Serene said you need establish trust and respect, talk to him and make dua isha allah.

Anon2 the biggest problem is that women tolerate this:confused:
If it was the other way round a woman would have been kicked out and shamed in the community.

[youngsister]

omg i dint know muslim men would do that, esp when they are married and all... there should be love, trust and peace in a marriage, not this...

not sure if you could do istikhara....try to do some detective work and once you are sure then confront him... if that doesnt work talk to your mom about it? or someone in the family?

my heart goes out to you, insha'allah Allah will make it easier for you and reward you in this dunyia and the akhira..

:sl: This muslim men are not practing, strong in the deen, sister when you get married please go for religion!

The prophet peace be upon him has said in one hadith that those that marry for other (beauty, wealth) over religion will be the losers.
A practising brother would lower his gaze cheating is some next level.
May Allah swt guide us

[Ushae]

[B]

:sl: This muslim men are not practing, strong in the deen, sister when you get married please go for religion!

The prophet peace be upon him has said in one hadith that those that marry for other (beauty, wealth) over religion will be the losers.
A practising brother would lower his gaze cheating is some next level.
May Allah swt guide us

You are right. The prophet also said that a woman can be married for four things..

1. Her Beauty
2. Her Wealth
3. Her Lineage
4. Her Virtue

He said that if a women should be married for their Religion, you will succeed.

[Ushae]

I have prayed ishktihara to guide me to what ever is best for me.
The thing is its not like he dont give me the attention, he does, but I find it very difficult to give 100% back when i got doubts in me head. in order to save this marriage I want peace in my heart and all doubts resolved one way or another. There are other problems in the marriage too, but I have been dealing with them, the thought of him cheatin is disgustin, no matter what a couple go tru, it should give one of them the right to cheat.
Sis may Allah swt give u guidance in what right and support to keep strong. Have faith in Allah swt.
24/7 I am thinkin of this in ma head, no matter if I am at wrk, eatin, with frends,, anything.. its like a disease thats in me and wont leave.. I dont wana feel like this.. i really dont. Allah swt please help..

I know exactly what you are going through dear sister, as I am currently going through this too. I very recently married (nikaah) but it wasn't a complete consumation (no sex). However I was forced to marry the girl. I posted some time ago about this, here's the link..

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...ce-please.html

Long story short she has been cheating on me several times, whether she was pysically involved I don't know, but it's the fact that she broke my trust more than once both before and after marriage. So I have decided to give her a divorce by the end of this year (she doesn't know yet).

I was in the EXACT same state of mind you are in now. I was stressed, tired, distracted and couldn't do literally anything without thinking about it. I couldn't even pray salat peacefully, and made many mistakes during prayer! The only difference is I knew what she had done, an d got her to admit too. Ever since I have made peace with myself about leaving her, I have never been in a happier state of mind.

BUt I must stress that you have to know for sure what he is actually doing. If he is simply suspicious then you should work to fix it. Divorce is a very detestable thing in Islam, if you can avoid it (unlike myself where I had no choice) than do everything in your power to do so.

Peace be with you sister,
Usman

[Lonely Gal]

thats the hard thing i cant seem to find out 100% wats going on.. so does this mean its in ma head?
when i read namaz, its always in ma head so much that i lose count of where I am at. i hate wen that happens, its taken control over eveythind and gettin my namaz wrong is the worst.
i tryvery hard to stay focused but sumtimes my thoughts just wonder to him and tink wat is he doin..

[Lonely Gal]

I know divorce is not accepted properly, but ifs not meant to be and there is no happiness, surely one should call it off as both parties are not benefitting and I end up causing more sin wich i do not want to do..
I know divorce is only as a last resort, thats y i want to be 1000% sure abt whats going on

[youngsister]

:sl: Your unhappy for a reason..you dont trust him your not happy with him, like you said he doesnt spend time with you, people arent unhappy for no reason so yes islamically you can divorce,

Sister you sound so confused so before saying you want a divorce talk to him and try to sort it out, i hate cheaters and dont understand people who tolerate this disgusting practise but you dont sound sure yourself.

[Lonely Gal]

I no I am unsure.. I dont have proof jus suspicions.. that why i want Allah swt to guide me..
i aint considering divorce yet but if he cheatin then sadly I dont see anythin else..

[Ushae]

Ok why don't youstart by giving us a list or some details of things you suspect he is doing ? It could simply anxiety on your part ?

Example..Talking to certain people in facebook ? Mysterious phonecalls ? He goes out without telling here he is for long periods of time ?

[Zahida]

:sl: I hope that you are ok. You have been given some very good sound advice. Can i ask you the outcome of the istikhaara.? I have been thinking about you and your situation and today as it was jumma i made special dua for........ I know what you are going through, one thing came into my mind and that was that you do not have children, so if you do decide to make a break there will be no children to suffer. But you got to sort this out, if talking about it makes him more mad and causes arguements, and he is turning around and blaming you etc etc then do something practical. That way you have the evidence, but do not go to him first, go to family/imaam any other trustworthy person tell them and then confront him. This would be my advice to you at the moment.:w::bump::bump:

I know divorce is not accepted properly, but ifs not meant to be and there is no happiness, surely one should call it off as both parties are not benefitting and I end up causing more sin wich i do not want to do..
I know divorce is only as a last resort, thats y i want to be 1000% sure abt whats going on

[nocturnal]

I really can't quite understand how she was counselled to pray Istikhara. She's 16, besotted, with a guy whose nationality is about as alien to her family as someone from Planet of the Apes, and probably can't even fully sustain himself on his own let alone a wife.

[Zahida]

Are you sure you got the right girl???????????

I really can't quite understand how she was counselled to pray Istikhara. She's 16, besotted, with a guy whose nationality is about as alien to her family as someone from Planet of the Apes, and probably can't even fully sustain himself on his own let alone a wife.

:hmm:

[Ushae]

I really can't quite understand how she was counselled to pray Istikhara. She's 16, besotted, with a guy whose nationality is about as alien to her family as someone from Planet of the Apes, and probably can't even fully sustain himself on his own let alone a wife.

o.O

Did I miss something ?

[youngsister]

:sl:

He replied to the wrong topic he is going about this..

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...-marrying.html
:w:

[rozeena]

sister i totally feel for you and i will remeber you in my duas ad hope that inshallah it is not true. like mentioned before , nothing stays hidden, if what you believe is true (which i hope isnt) it will come out dont worry. but sister i know its hard but just trust ur hubby, and love him 2 max because these suspicns will only drift u apart from him, and i know its hard but just try. :sunny:

[Zahida]

:sl: So how is it going? have you prayed Istikhaara?:w::):)

I no I am unsure.. I dont have proof jus suspicions.. that why i want Allah swt to guide me..
i aint considering divorce yet but if he cheatin then sadly I dont see anythin else..

[Lonely Gal]

guys guys guys.. im 23, not 16..
this is the story, not only am i suspicious of him but also we are very different from each other, he cannot understand why i am independant and as he has come from acountry that the man is in control, he cannot digest any different from that..
he screws at me for going to sleep, for forgettin to bring the water on the odd occasions, spendin over an hr at a frends house when shes just lost her mum, wanting to see a car before i buy it, not eatin cos im not hungry.. its soo many petty things i cant get my head around..
i feel suffocated in my home, i have to tiptoe on everythin i do or say.
I agree i have faults but for someone who has to look at everything ting thing they do, its very difficult..
theres alot more tings but i wont go into that, as a 3rd person will not really understand what is happenin.

as for the doubts, he no longer leaves his phone lying around and always delete his call list, before he used to have calls at least one a day, now u look at the list and its one from many days ago..
he speaks to a family member and wen i walk in they go quiet and one will wonder off..
they smile at each other, sittin across the room.. hw can i wife take that her hubby is smilin at another woman and its that kinda diff smile, he never does that with me.

the night i prayed isktikhara, the only ting dat happened was i dreamt i was happy with another man that was not my husband.. dunno if this is bad or what, but thats wat happened,
my parents knows how petty he is and have sed to him to change but nuttin major has happened. now his mother has come from Pak to visit so not much talkin between me and parents will happen.
I dont no what to ask for, i will not deny, that the way i have felt is sooo low that i have wanted to escape life and get away from all this. Yesterday was another emotional day, i tried to talk to my dad and he just brushed me off sayin we will talk later, this means never cos he will not ask me at a later date, he will just ignore and i will not go to him again. When he brushed me off like that i felt sooo hurt i cant explain.
Its jus me and Allah swt. He can help me and he will inshAllah. I was close to prayin that i get out of this relationship but then i tink is this is what Allah wants then this is what will be.. I pray that if its meant to be with hubby then, give me peace and happiness, or if its not meant to be, then let it be over with quickly cos ive always thorts once im married i def will not be committin sin like i was before, but i still seem to be committin sin and dont want to be, i really want to live life the right way and do good without committin sin. Thats why sometimes i think it best for both of us if we go our own ways without any hard feelings.. he could be happier with someone else, and so could I.. its just like we're two opposites that will never connect and understand each other fuly.
if i keep saying yes to everything he says then all is well, the moment i speak my mind or say somethin that he dont like or is not how he thinks then hells breaks loose.
he tells me i should think lik this and in such a way,, but that is not me.. why is he tryna change me, and how i tink..
ppl i dont no what ur views arre on abt all this, but only me him and Allah swt really know.
I ask you please, whether u tink im in the right or wrong to pray for me and somehow bring happiness and sakoon into my life.. all i want is happiness and live a proper married life with someone i love and hu loves me, and care for each other dearly, without petty arguements.. please pray..that i stop committin more sin thru this marriage,, i dont no how much more i can take..

[Ushae]

Ok,

I have a few questions, don't answer if you feel uncomfortable about them ok ?

1. Were you 'forced' to marry this man ?
2. Is he natively from UK or Pakistan ?
3. Has he ever physically abused you or sworn at you without good reason ?
4. Have you approached your elders about this ? Talk to as many elders as possible, that should get their attention. There are certain steps you are supposed to take before even considering divorce, it's part of our faith after all. Google it =)

This is my opinion on the matter, so please do not take offense, I don't want to hurt your feelings.

From the sounds of things I'm quite shocked that your parents have married you to such a disrespectful and arrogant man, despite them realising it themselves! What were they honestly thinking, I'm appauled, it sounds like they were trying to simply get rid of you rather than do what was in your best interest.

Of course as Muslims we must respect and obey our parents, but this does not extend to our choice of partner. The prophet himself said this.

The Prophet (pbuh) was once approached by a young woman who told him tha ehr father forced her to marry her cousin to increase his social standing. The prophet said that the marriage was invalid becuase she was forced and that she was eligable for annulment. This simply means that Islam does not allow forced marriages.

I'm going off assumptions here, so forgive me if I'm missing the point. If you weren't forced then I think the problem lies with your actual relationship, I will get back to you if that is the case.

From the sounds of your Isthikhara Prayer it seems like Allah is guiding you towards another man in the distant future, again I'm assuming the dream was accurate. Regardless of everything else, remember one thing, keep your prayers regular and your heart clean and I'm more than sure that Allah will show you the right way =) There is no doubt Allah is always wathcing over you and cares about you.

Do not be disheartened no matter what !
You are in my Dua's sister, I pray you resolve things happily soon.
Usman

[Lonely Gal]

This was mum and dad's choice, I originally said no as I wanted someone with more understanding and on my level, but with the emotional black mail etc, i decided to go tru with this for the happiness of my parents. I started to get to know him and he sounded fine and i thought id give it my best shot with him. It was very difficult for me to be a loving and caring wife to someone who i was not and am not attracted to, we prob dint have a great start to the marriage but i apologiesed and sed to him I will change, this happend and id do as much as i could but he picks at such tiny tings, i just dont understand him. i honestly beleive his is an attention seeking, controlling typa person.
I dont blame my parents a whole deal, as i do beleive they wanted best for me in the long run, and they thought this was the best move, and i hoped it would be too.. i wanted this to work so i could be happy and keep my parents happy.
he is from pakistan and knows very little abt england and english. thats not the prob tho, its his lil moans over everythin.. I went to help a cuz yesterday and he kept sayin lets go but i was helpin how cud i be rude and up and leave. on way home, i got a tellin off from him cos i shudnt av stayed so long, i shud av made an excuse to get out.. and then he moaned that i was walkin too fast!!! omg Allah give me strength!
my parents know how niggly he is over things. and they told him to change. he was rude to my dad wich i believe my dad hasnt fogiven him for.
My parents are aware im not happy but they are just avoidin the topic so that we don't have that 'talk'.
I lost it one day and told my parents everythin, he said he wont screw abt netin. before he used to get in mood, now he just says his peice and gets better with me.. but why does he pick on such silly and pathetic things???
he never hit me or sworn, but he driven me to and thats not me.. kasam im not the person i used to be, i used to calm and collected, hardly shout, now im always screwin and dnt talk calmly. This is doing no1 any good. it really aint..

I keep prayin for my sanity, I know I have not always been in prayer but all i want is to be on the right path and happiness. i really do.. cant explain hw much i yearn for this... i cry in prayer, to bed jus wantin this to go away..
i dont just think form my point of view,.. mayb im more in the wrong, maybe as a wife i shud be doin all these things he says without me thinkin twice so i praydo whats best for him as well.

[Ushae]

This was mum and dad's choice, I originally said no as I wanted someone with more understanding and on my level, but with the emotional black mail etc, i decided to go tru with this for the happiness of my parents. I started to get to know him and he sounded fine and i thought id give it my best shot with him. It was very difficult for me to be a loving and caring wife to someone who i was not and am not attracted to, we prob dint have a great start to the marriage but i apologiesed and sed to him I will change, this happend and id do as much as i could but he picks at such tiny tings, i just dont understand him. i honestly beleive his is an attention seeking, controlling typa person.
I dont blame my parents a whole deal, as i do beleive they wanted best for me in the long run, and they thought this was the best move, and i hoped it would be too.. i wanted this to work so i could be happy and keep my parents happy.
he is from pakistan and knows very little abt england and english. thats not the prob tho, its his lil moans over everythin.. I went to help a cuz yesterday and he kept sayin lets go but i was helpin how cud i be rude and up and leave. on way home, i got a tellin off from him cos i shudnt av stayed so long, i shud av made an excuse to get out.. and then he moaned that i was walkin too fast!!! omg Allah give me strength!
my parents know how niggly he is over things. and they told him to change. he was rude to my dad wich i believe my dad hasnt fogiven him for.
My parents are aware im not happy but they are just avoidin the topic so that we don't have that 'talk'.
I lost it one day and told my parents everythin, he said he wont screw abt netin. before he used to get in mood, now he just says his peice and gets better with me.. but why does he pick on such silly and pathetic things???
he never hit me or sworn, but he driven me to and thats not me.. kasam im not the person i used to be, i used to calm and collected, hardly shout, now im always screwin and dnt talk calmly. This is doing no1 any good. it really aint..

I keep prayin for my sanity, I know I have not always been in prayer but all i want is to be on the right path and happiness. i really do.. cant explain hw much i yearn for this... i cry in prayer, to bed jus wantin this to go away..
i dont just think form my point of view,.. mayb im more in the wrong, maybe as a wife i shud be doin all these things he says without me thinkin twice so i praydo whats best for him as well.

It sounds like you did what you thought was best, which is admirable. You respected your parents and did what made them happy. However, remember that your choice of a life partner ultimately lies with you before your parents happiness. As muslims they should have realised this. Your consent was given but it was given by virtue of emotional blackmail, so in my honest opinon it was a forced marriage. Not sure if any other brothers and sisters here agree with me.

Everything you've described is domestic in nature. There's no abuse, verbal or physical. It feels like a clash of personalities more than anything else. He seems like a very dominating type of person, and you're the type that needs her space and idependance occasionally. He isn't respecting your space when he should.

Talk to him and explain exactly what it is that you don't like, so he gets a clear understanding of how he should compromise. Marriage is about compromise first. You're not even attracted to this man, I think this is very important in any relationship especially in the long run. He clearly doesn't respect your parents either!

You need to re-evaluate things, and ask yourself do you want to have children with this man and live the rest of your life like this, unattracted and unloved? You do not want to end up having the kind of relationship where it becomes 'about the children' and nothing else. Mercy and love should exist between a husband and wife's hearts.

Fee Iman Allah,
Usman

[Lonely Gal]

ive said it all to him, but he thinks if theres love in a relationship then i shud behave in the way he suggests..
my head just hurts from going over and over things..

[Ushae]

ive said it all to him, but he thinks if theres love in a relationship then i shud behave in the way he suggests..
my head just hurts from going over and over things..

Sounds like he's unwilling to compromise for you sister, and it appears you have tried exhasutingly hard too. If I read your post properly then he expects you to change and not himself..that sounds more like ownership than marriage, possibly a mentality he's adopted from Pakistan.

Excuse me for sounding rude, but that's a very selfsih and self-centered attitude to adopt, especially against ones own wife. However I think you should keep a forgiving and caring behaviour towards him despite his attitude. Just because he 'nit-picks' at small things doesn't mean your personality should change right ? You're patient, caring and understanding (if I read your above post correctly) and have changed since marriage. None of that should change. Perhaps if you show him that you care and will change for him he will do the same, take the first step ?

Do not give up any hope just yet, keep trying to talk to him, don't let him drop the subject! Your happiness should be paramount to him. Surely there is a peaceful solution here.

Inshallah things will improve,
Usman

[Lonely Gal]

I do feel as if he wants the need to be in control all the time and everythin be abt him. An independant person like me cannot change and become dependant on him... it just cannot happen..
I try lettin go of things but it really hard, how can i behave normal after everything and whilst it still happens?
I did change and tried to do everything his way, so why cant he change and stop tryna make me into somethin im not.
he says he cant live without me, but sadly its hard to believe..
Pray things get better.. please..
thanks for all ur advice.. :o)

[Ushae]

I do feel as if he wants the need to be in control all the time and everythin be abt him. An independant person like me cannot change and become dependant on him... it just cannot happen..
I try lettin go of things but it really hard, how can i behave normal after everything and whilst it still happens?
I did change and tried to do everything his way, so why cant he change and stop tryna make me into somethin im not.
he says he cant live without me, but sadly its hard to believe..
Pray things get better.. please..
thanks for all ur advice.. :o)

I am praying, as I'm sure all the other posters here are, for you ^o^!
I understand your dilemma, the only difference is I actually caught my fiance cheating. Did everything I could to try and salvage the situation but she did it again.

However your hubby isn't cheating, it sounds like you feel he just isn't 'right' for you. Doesn't see things the way you do, respect your space, make you feel loved/respected etc.

I suggest you do 1 of 2 things.

1. Keep at it, don't give up on him ! Change your expectations to match his, but at the same time make it clear to him if he doesn't change and compromise for you things will get difficult between you (which they are at the moment). Maybe you both just need more time to adjust to each other, even couples that are incredibly attracted to each other need time to adjust. There are always differences..

2. When you prayed Isthikhara, you saw a dream with another man right, and you were happy ? Allah will always guide you towards the right path, there is absolutely no doubt in this! I would take the dream as a sign and persue a way out of the relationship. Your miserable, upset and feel alone. You even cry in your prayers.. If you are certain you cannot be happy with him then find a way out as peacefully as possible. Remember to maintain your prayers throughout the day.

There you have it. Allah gave us the right and freedom to choose, so the choice is ultimately yours and nobody else's. I hope things are better for you in the future.

You are in my dua's, =),keep a strong heart, inshallah you will be happy!
Usman

[Lonely Gal]

Thank u for ur kinds words and support and help with all the advice given, May Allah swt reward u and make all your duas come tru.

[Ushae]

You're most welcome, do keep me updated on how things go for you, I am sure things will turn out for the best,

Oh P.S. Something I read recently about Isthikhara..The prophet (pbuh) proposed to Zainab for marriage. She refused him, despite knowing he was the perfect man. She then went away and prayed Isthikhara about the proposal. Allah gave her an Ayat to show her the marriage was perfect for her. Then she accepted. This shows that Allah will always show you the correct path.

W-Salaam,
Usman.

[ayesha309]

sis Lonely Gal,
I have two questions. please do not feel offended by them. (you don't have to write down the answer, perhaps just think about them)
1) Before you married him, was there someone else you were interested in, preferred marrying as oppose to him? is your husband your relative?
2) you said in your marriage currently you are doing sins that you dont want to do. Are these sins by any chance chatting with someone (perhaps a guy) who understandns you?

If you know someone who you would've preferred marrying (im not saying being in a relationship with that person), or even if you had a percpetion of a husband, and that perception didn't match ur real husband, it will obviously be hard to adjust. if you are in this trap, then you may need to change the percpetion of your husband.

Anyhow, It seems from reading these posts taht you two have contrasting ideolgoies and beliefs. however from wot i have read, i feel that you have realized you have made mistakes, you have apologized to him, and decided to be a better person to him and to Allah, you've concentrate on your prayers, decided to be patient, and listen to him etc. (Alhamdulillah you're doing that and may Allah continue to help you in all aspects of life) Perhaps it may take a while for you husband to accept the changes that you have brought in the relationship. Sometimes men are just a little stubborn and it takes them a while to accept their wrong and to change. I would advise you, like bro Ushae said, to keep on praying and wait a bit. See if he adjusts or not. Maybe it will take him a while to adjust to the new country, environment, etc.
At the same time, if things don't work out, then living a miserable, lonely life isn't advisable either. May Allah guide you and help you. Ameen
Currently, i think you should continue to wokr really really hard on your part to make the relationship work, and if things still don't work out, then maybe just maybe divroce can be taken as an option.
I pray that Allah helps you and guides you. and please forgive me if i offended you. I had absoltely no intention to
Assalaam u alaikum

[Zahida]

:sl: Lonely girl. I hope you are O.K. Have just logged in after being at work all day and read all your conversations with Ushae. I think now i can begin to understand your situation more, honey it seems to me that you married this guy for your families sake which is admirable, however for a marraige to be successfull your mind/heart has to be in it. I am sick and tired of this Pakistani style which bears nothing on what our religion teaches us. How many times have i seen this happen, believe me too many. I am 40 and have had many experiencesof such within family, community and yet still our elders will not learn. What happens to the family izzat when the marraige ends? What then? Anyway to cut a long story short, you need to sort this out NOW because it sounds to me your situation is driving you insane.........

I would advise that you go with your heart. I stayed with my husband and am still with him and still going through ****. I hope Allah rewards me for staying and at least trying, it's hard when you get nothing back in return.... but i don't know what tomorrow holds. Also you don't have children so do something whilst you can......... Please forgive me if i have spoken out of turn, and may Allah forgive me if i have given wrong advice. TC.:w::bump:

Thank u for ur kinds words and support and help with all the advice given, May Allah swt reward u and make all your duas come tru.

[dilkadr]

pray ishtikhara to see if my husband is cheating or doing unlawful things?

:sl:

Better don't try this option.

Try some worldly sources like some private eye or something similar.

My answer is based on my instinct.

I believe Istikhara is more appropriate where we do not have any worldly option(s) available to us or need to make a choice between two or more options.

You can check it with other sources and once it is proved then you have to think about next step...

:w:

An Allah Knows Best

[Lonely Gal]

Ayesha in answer to ur questions, yes there was someone that wanted my hand in marriage but i always told him it wud not happen as I know the way my family works, it always has to be 'in' family. arrgghh! However this has not affected my marriage cos from day 1 i new i was to marry. I kinda drilled it in that thats what was going to happen, so I dint let myself get lost in fairy land abt marrying another bloke.
Also the sins im regardin to are, swearin, being bad tempered, effin and blimin and cursing mainly.
I have decided to try as much as I can and just ask Allah to guide me which ever way is right. I cant take much more of life like this so im gna try my best to do things 'his' way.. im gna try and if its not poss then ill have to take diff action. At the moment I feel I cant talk to my parents so I have no 1 but Allah. I dont like going into detail with my close frends cos I know what Im going to hear and they aint really religious so I wont get the advice I need at the mo, dnt get me wrong my frends are very caring but the moment i start going into detail, word always somehow gets out and the world knows. I feel very alone in this world.
My husband says he wants a child but I cannot bring myself to get in that situation unless im truly happy which I am not at the mo, I cannot risk the chance of destroyin a childs life.. my childs...
parents make me laff, when its other peoples childs that are going tru divorce or seperation etc they call it kismat/naseeb but when it comes to own child its more like, family izzat is gona be broken, omg what are ppl gna say.. blah blah..

I will try to do my best to do right on my behalf, what comes nex is meant to be.. I dont know..

[right path]

I truly sympathise with you on this one I am in similar situation as well I know exactly how you feel the only difference is that I don’t suspect him but my life has been turned upside down due to marriage I have been very depressed and reached the lowest of levels I found it very hard to get on with things but mashallah my faith in Allah swt and my prayers have made me much stronger.

I cant advice you on your marriage sister as I am in two minds about mine all I all I can advise to you is that put all your trust in Allah and inshallah you will find peace and tranquity in your heart. Take each day at a time preserve patience as Allah loves those who observe subr and shukr. Imaam Ahmad (d.241H) said, “Allaah has mentioned sabr (patient perseverance) in over ninety places in His Book.” [2]And there occurs in the authentic hadeeth, “Sabr (patient perseverance) is light.” [3] The Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) also said, “No one has been given anything more excellent and more comprehensive than sabr.” [4]’Umar - radiyallaahu ’anhu – said, “We considered the best part of our lives to be that in which there was sabr.” [5]

Try to do your daily prayers on time try to make effort to wake up for fajar prayers also if you work try to read your prayers and lunch after every obligatory prayer do durud sharif at least 100 times and sincerely devote your self to Allah (swt) and really seek for help make personal duas explain to Allah (swt) all your thoughts and feelings and ask for guidance and repent for any thing that you feel have done wrong and inshallah sister Allah swt will accept your prayers. From my experience I can tell you that praying to Allah swt makes so much difference you can really feel the strength and inshalllah you will realise with time inshallah what you need to do. I have listed some website which may be of help to you they contain some duas which you can recite to help you find tranquity and peace in your heart. Inshallah I will pray for your paths to be made easy and Allah swt to guide you to your destination Ameen.

Assalamualikum

http://makedua.com/display_dua.php?sectionid=34

http://www.islamicacademy.org/html/Dua/Dua.htm


http://www.islaam.com/Article.aspx?id=440

[Lonely Gal]

Im sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It so sad and depressin itell ya..
thanks for the links. I pray for u too, that your duas are accepted and life made better for u.
I know patience is everything, just at times it difficult to cope and be brave. When i lose it, fwe mins later i kick myself for doin it. Just hope Allah gives me the strength and abilty to make myself a better person. prayer is a great help and dont think Id be the way i am without it. I try my best to pray 5 times, I really need to focus on the prayer that occurrs whilst I am at work.

[Lonely Gal]

I know we dont know each other but if u wish to talk or just someone to listen.. you can pm me

[right path]

oh thank you i know exactly what you mean some days are k and sometimes it just gets too much im k when im a wrk but wen im a home thats when i find it the hardest all i can say to you is stay positive and try not to focus on the negative things thats what i try to do than you can see how you really feel about the situation.

[right path]

as for prayers do u have prayer room a work luckily my work place has one so I just read my farz prayer at my lunch believe me it helps so much when ever you get free time even when your walking home from wrk recite durood sharif it really does relief from stress

[Ushae]

as for prayers do u have prayer room a work luckily my work place has one so I just read my farz prayer at my lunch believe me it helps so much when ever you get free time even when your walking home from wrk recite durood sharif it really does relief from stress

Right Path I am very sorry you are in the same dilemma as Lonely Gal, it seems this kind of marriage ios far more comon than I originally thought.

Is your relaionship similar to Lonely Gal's, in that she has difficulty communicating and getting along with her husband ? Or is it something different, language, attraction, commitment ?

Inshallah all things will come to you both in good time,
Usman

[Zahida]

:sl:You know alot of your Muslim sisters are in this dilemma......... Why i don't know is this a test for us sisters or is this ignorace on the Muslim brothers part........... Today i am having a particularly bad day i haven't heard from my husband for 5/6 days............ What advice would you give to a sister whose tears will just not stop flowing??????:w::laugh: QUOTE=Ushae;1026274]Right Path I am very sorry you are in the same dilemma as Lonely Gal, it seems this kind of marriage ios far more comon than I originally thought.

Is your relaionship similar to Lonely Gal's, in that she has difficulty communicating and getting along with her husband ? Or is it something different, language, attraction, commitment ?

Inshallah all things will come to you both in good time,
Usman[/QUOTE]

[wth1257]

I don't mean to be graphic or inappropiate however if a spouse is cheating that is not just a matter of trust and love, there is also the risk of introducing STD'd into the relationship. If a husband is cheating on you and hideing it he is not just abusing your trust and love, he is also putting your health at risk (if you all are still sexually intimate).

Again, I do not mean to toutch on inappropiate topic but I felt I should bring that up. Please be carefull. Have you all considered counciling? Seeing a psychologist/marriage therapist/ some sort of religious leader who can give you all guidence?

[Zahida]

:sl: That is ok i am not offended and i have spoken to him about this........... No joy!!!!!!!!!!

The sisters above are younger i am older and been married 16 years , i have a daughter who turns 15 soon..........

My family advsed me to keep subr and patience which i have done........ but now i am losing that..........

It's not just the cheating it's the lies that come with it,..........

I have spoken to his family, mum, sister brother etc............ No joy..... We have spoken to him........ Can't physically change him[..........

Counselling?????????? He told his family i am mad it's all in my imagination......... until i showed them his phone bills etc etc...........

I am not mad because everytime i pray salaat i ask Allah to keep me strong Ameen. I keep myself sane by telling myself that he is committing a sin and has not fullfilled his duties to me as his wife in Allahs' command.... That keeps me standing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:exhaustedQUOTE=wth1257;102 6286]I don't mean to be graphic or inappropiate however if a spouse is cheating that is not just a matter of trust and love, there is also the risk of introducing STD'd into the relationship. If a husband is cheating on you and hideing it he is not just abusing your trust and love, he is also putting your health at risk (if you all are still sexually intimate).

Again, I do not mean to toutch on inappropiate topic but I felt I should bring that up. Please be carefull. Have you all considered counciling? Seeing a psychologist/marriage therapist/ some sort of religious leader who can give you all guidence?[/QUOTE]

[Zahida]

I just pray Allah rewards me for staying with this person whom he joined me to in Nikah...................

:sl: That is ok i am not offended and i have spoken to him about this........... No joy!!!!!!!!!!

The sisters above are younger i am older and been married 16 years , i have a daughter who turns 15 soon..........

My family advsed me to keep subr and patience which i have done........ but now i am losing that..........

It's not just the cheating it's the lies that come with it,..........

I have spoken to his family, mum, sister brother etc............ No joy..... We have spoken to him........ Can't physically change him[..........

Counselling?????????? He told his family i am mad it's all in my imagination......... until i showed them his phone bills etc etc...........

I am not mad because everytime i pray salaat i ask Allah to keep me strong Ameen. I keep myself sane by telling myself that he is committing a sin and has not fullfilled his duties to me as his wife in Allahs' command.... That keeps me standing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:exhaustedQUOTE=wth1257;102 6286]I don't mean to be graphic or inappropiate however if a spouse is cheating that is not just a matter of trust and love, there is also the risk of introducing STD'd into the relationship. If a husband is cheating on you and hideing it he is not just abusing your trust and love, he is also putting your health at risk (if you all are still sexually intimate).

Again, I do not mean to toutch on inappropiate topic but I felt I should bring that up. Please be carefull. Have you all considered counciling? Seeing a psychologist/marriage therapist/ some sort of religious leader who can give you all guidence?

[/QUOTE]

[Zahida]

I am sorry today i am having a particularly difficult day......... Please forgive me. Thankyou.

I just pray Allah rewards me for staying with this person whom he joined me to in Nikah...................

[/QUOTE]

[Ushae]

I am sorry today i am having a particularly difficult day......... Please forgive me. Thankyou.

[/QUOTE]

Not sure what to say here. It seems you've been through a lot..

I was thinking of something today, thought I should share it with all the sisters/brothers here, maybe it will give them insight into their predicaments.

This is true..I did not believe in Allah as of six years ago, or rather I refused to pray to him. I'm a Pakistani, British born muslim. Thankfully I have a loyal family (despite all the silly politics that come with the package lol). I've never really hung around the kind of crowd that does drugs etc have very poor manners outside of their house (I'm sure you all know what type I'm talking about here). I'm very well educated, upto Masters level and have very recently started work as a Biomedical Scientist. Despite all this background, in the last few years I always blamed Allah for the bad things that have happened to me in my life, such as getting bullied severely in school, being lonely, rough childhood father had two wives, was tough on my mother (the usual stuff lol) etc. blah blah

I always had very little confidence in myself. Didn't know what to do with my life (despite how decent my background was) I thought life simply wasn't worth living. Then my uncle passed away and I was forced into marrying his daughter.

This same woman cheated on me more than a few times both before and after I married her. So why is my faith stronger than it ever was now, and at the worst possible moment lol ? I'll tell you. I realised this ramadan, that Allah has always been watching me and waiting for my prayers. I simply did not ask him for it. He was and is always waiting to show me his mercy and guidance. This will never change. It was a matter of time.

My point is that if you stay true to his guidance and keep yourself patient and reserved good things can come of any situation. Sometimes the person you dislike or even hate can become somebody you love more than anything else, it's simply a matter of patience and presence. Show him how special you are, and how loyal you. If he is a good muclim he will realise how lucky he really is. I've seen this scenario so many times where the husband realises after an entire lifetime how fortunate he really was.

You are all good, honest and patient people. I can tell this without having even met any of you. I know Allah will reward you soon. If Allah can wait an eternity for you, why can't you do the same for him ? =) There is no good deed or sin that goes unrewarded or punished..
Fee Iman Allah!
Usman

[- Qatada -]

:w:


this might be somewhat useful insha Allah;


http://www.islamicboard.com/741314-post126.html

http://www.islamicboard.com/health-s...rt-broken.html


we will pray for you and Allah will give you success;

And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out,

And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion.

[Qur'an Surah Talaq 65: 2-3]

[Ushae]

Ultimately what I am trying to say here. Allah can do absolutely anything from creating entire worlds and races to changing the destiny, thoughts and feelings of thousands of people. Do not ever lose faith in him, as he always watches over you no matter what sin you commit.

=)
You are all in my Dua's
Good night
Usman

[Zahida]

:sl: As i said iam having a very bad day crying just won't stop........ just prayed Maghrib and still won't stop........... You know brother your turn came after six years and InshAllah my turn will come soon too........... All i have ever done is try to make a home family comfortable life with my husband and all he has done has thrown it back in my face. Not sure what to say here. It seems you've been through a lot..

I was thinking of something today, thought I should share it with all the sisters/brothers here, maybe it will give them insight into their predicaments.

This is true..I did not believe in Allah as of six years ago, or rather I refused to pray to him. I'm a Pakistani, British born muslim. Thankfully I have a loyal family (despite all the silly politics that come with the package lol). I've never really hung around the kind of crowd that does drugs etc have very poor manners outside of their house (I'm sure you all know what type I'm talking about here). I'm very well educated, upto Masters level and have very recently started work as a Biomedical Scientist. Despite all this background, in the last few years I always blamed Allah for the bad things that have happened to me in my life, such as getting bullied severely in school, being lonely, rough childhood father had two wives, was tough on my mother (the usual stuff lol) etc. blah blah

I always had very little confidence in myself. Didn't know what to do with my life (despite how decent my background was) I thought life simply wasn't worth living. Then my uncle passed away and I was forced into marrying his daughter.

This same woman cheated on me more than a few times both before and after I married her. So why is my faith stronger than it ever was now, and at the worst possible moment lol ? I'll tell you. I realised this ramadan, that Allah has always been watching me and waiting for my prayers. I simply did not ask him for it. He was and is always waiting to show me his mercy and guidance. This will never change. It was a matter of time.

My point is that if you stay true to his guidance and keep yourself patient and reserved good things can come of any situation. Sometimes the person you dislike or even hate can become somebody you love more than anything else, it's simply a matter of patience and presence. Show him how special you are, and how loyal you. If he is a good muclim he will realise how lucky he really is. I've seen this scenario so many times where the husband realises after an entire lifetime how fortunate he really was.

You are all good, honest and patient people. I can tell this without having even met any of you. I know Allah will reward you soon. If Allah can wait an eternity for you, why can't you do the same for him ? =) There is no good deed or sin that goes unrewarded or punished..
Fee Iman Allah!
Usman[/QUOTE]

[Zahida]

My point is that if you stay true to his guidance and keep yourself patient and reserved good things can come of any situation. Sometimes the person you dislike or even hate can become somebody you love more than anything else, it's simply a matter of patience and presence. Show him how special you are, and how loyal you. If he is a good muclim he will realise how lucky he really is. I've seen this scenario so many times where the husband realises after an entire lifetime how fortunate he really was.I did love him and still do this is why i am still with him, like yourself i am British Pakistani born, well educated and not gorgeous but of morals and background........... He is from Pakistan, but probably more western than myself..........I am just waiting for this scenario to happen for me, where he will realise he has wasted his time, gained nothing when he had a loyal wife waiting for him at home..................

[Lonely Gal]

Sis i hope ur feeling stronger today. I know how u feel when some days it just gets too much and non-stop tears, looking at what is life and how different u thort it would be..

[Re.TiReD]

Sis i hope ur feeling stronger today. I know how u feel when some days it just gets too much and non-stop tears, looking at what is life and how different u thort it would be..

May Allah (swt) bless you in abundance sis and calm your heart. May He reward you with nothing less than Jannah and a pure sweet sakeenah for all that you've had to deal with. Ameen!

[right path]

Right Path I am very sorry you are in the same dilemma as Lonely Gal, it seems this kind of marriage ios far more comon than I originally thought.

Is your relaionship similar to Lonely Gal's, in that she has difficulty communicating and getting along with her husband ? Or is it something different, language, attraction, commitment ?

Inshallah all things will come to you both in good time,
Usman

it is quite similar i dont suspect him but i have communication and all other stuff i can relate to and a lot of other things went on before i got married which hasnt help the situation

[Zahida]

Thankyou all for your duas for me and lonely girl.......... No my situation is different apart from the fact that we both have cheating husbands!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to ask a question and would appreciate your comment on this.

When i get upset at my situation, i sometimes end up screaming swearing and wishing bad upon my husband.... Then when all my feelings are vented and i calm down i repent and am sorry but this happens tooo much. What should i do. I don't want Allah(swt) to be naraaz with me. I do it but then say i won't do it again but still do it?

Have i confused you. Please please give me your view/opinion/advice on this?:thankyou:

it is quite similar i dont suspect him but i have communication and all other stuff i can relate to and a lot of other things went on before i got married which hasnt help the situation

[Lonely Gal]

ur not the only one.. i do the same.. i keep telling me self that wen im gettin angry to read some dua or jus the kalma to refrain from going mad and swearing etc, sometimes tho in the moment i forget and go off on one. I feel very bad wen this happens but just cant seem to help it.

[Ushae]

Thankyou all for your duas for me and lonely girl.......... No my situation is different apart from the fact that we both have cheating husbands!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to ask a question and would appreciate your comment on this.

When i get upset at my situation, i sometimes end up screaming swearing and wishing bad upon my husband.... Then when all my feelings are vented and i calm down i repent and am sorry but this happens tooo much. What should i do. I don't want Allah(swt) to be naraaz with me. I do it but then say i won't do it again but still do it?

Have i confused you. Please please give me your view/opinion/advice on this?:thankyou:

Hadith 3643, Al Timidi: Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said, "If anyone drinks wine Allah will not accept prayer from him for forty days, but if he repents Allah will forgive him. If he repeats the offence Allah will not accept prayer from him for forty days, but if he repents Allah will forgive him. If he again repeats the offence Allah will not accept prayer from him for forty days, but if he repents Allah will forgive him. If he repeats it a fourth time Allah will not accept prayer from him for forty days, and if he repents Allah will not forgive him, but will give him to drink of the river of the fluid flowing from the inhabitants of Hell."

The above extract is taken from a Hadith. It basically informs us that when you sin, and ask Allah for forgiveness he will forgive, as he is All-Merciful. The context is different (wine) but the practice is similar to most sins. If you repeat your sins 'knowingly', Allah will forgive you upto a certain point. However if you commit your sins without realising it and repent, he will always forgive you.

=)
Hope that helps

[Ushae]

ur not the only one.. i do the same.. i keep telling me self that wen im gettin angry to read some dua or jus the kalma to refrain from going mad and swearing etc, sometimes tho in the moment i forget and go off on one. I feel very bad wen this happens but just cant seem to help it.

Tell me something, when you read the Kalma, do you understand what you are saying ? I mean do you understand teh translation of the arabic in english ? Kalma does help quell anger, but it is ten times more effective if you are 'aware' of what you are saying, if you understood what I'm saying.

Sister, please don't fall into the trap many muslims (men and women) fall into. Do no allow external pressure to change the person you are. If you are naturally quiet, patient and caring person then don't allow domestic issues change your character. Your characer defines who you are in this life and the next. Perhaps your husband hasn't seen this side of you yet ? Maybe you simply haven't shown him how you really are ?

[Zahida]

:sl::sl: Brother Thankyou for that. Most of the time i am like this through anger and hurt, but when i calm down i realise that what i have done i repent, most of the time i do not know what i am saying or doing because i cannot see beyond my pain and hurt. I do start to read the "kalimah" when i get these feelings and after a few minutes i am ok.

I also like what you are saying about not allowing domestic pressure to change our character............ but brother i believe that circumstances do change people some for better some for worse............. When my sis passed away my niece went religion way other niece went totally off the rails so you see it also depends on circumstances. They were both going through the same thing and same blood but reacted differently........

I believe men are stronger when it comes to making decisions because women think more with their hearts than their minds, and consider more things like finance, children, family, etc etc before making a break and when you have been married for a long time it is harder...........

"[I] And my affair I leave to Allah............ Verily He is the All-Seer of His Slaves.......... (Surah Al-Mumin)

Bless you brother for your kind words support and advice on such delicate situations............................

[Ushae]

There's no need for thanks! I'm simply trying to help as best as I can. There are many villains and tyrants in the world who are cruel and malicious because of the way they were raised and the experiences they have 'suffered'. Yet I must stress to you that the people they have become today is based solely on their choice. Allah has given each and everyone of us the right to choose many aspects of our lives.

Don't change your character if it was good to begin with. Why should a good woman become spiteful because of the actions of a single man ? Your anger and depression affects more people than you can see before you, perhaps your relatives/children/parents. People do(whether you see it or not) feel sorry and it in turn affects their moods. See where I am coming from here ? The greater good..lesser of two evils...

Stay happy no matter what !
Fee Iman Allah
Usman

[Ushae]

I will give you an example...my mother went through a period of incredible depression becuase my father unlawfully had a second wife. She cried almost every night. If affected me very deeply at the time and has changed my outlook on life.

Would you want your children/loved ones to suffer a similar experience when they see you ?

[Zahida]

My duas are with you ......... You sound like a very wise person who has also seen and been through Allah Almighty's test in life,............
I sometimes wish i had a magic wand to rid people of their pains maybe because i am hurt and sad myself i become very emotional when i hear of other peoples troubles...........:statisfie

I will give you an example...my mother went through a period of incredible depression becuase my father unlawfully had a second wife. She cried almost every night. If affected me very deeply at the time and has changed my outlook on life.

Would you want your children/loved ones to suffer a similar experience when they see you ?

[Lonely Gal]

Things that happen toa person in life, will change them. it simply cant be any other way. People take things different and I dont see how one can remain the same if they are going tru summat like this.
I agree women take things are lot more to heart and it affects them awhole deal more, mentally and physically.

[Ushae]

Things that happen toa person in life, will change them. it simply cant be any other way. People take things different and I dont see how one can remain the same if they are going tru summat like this.
I agree women take things are lot more to heart and it affects them awhole deal more, mentally and physically.

I've remained the same =)
It's a measure of one's willpower, those who lack the will allow horrible things like these to change them, they become spiteful, paranoid, have a dull outlook on life and treat people differently. Do not be disheartened.

Life is great, Allah has given us sustenance, it's the people in life that aren't so great.

RE: Zahida, I'm not a full member yet, my apologies.

[Lonely Gal]

its great to hear that u av been able to stay the same and not let circumstance change u

[reema]

salaam
After reading all the posts it seems like the time has come where marriages will break like pearls from necklace.Everywhere i see same story,same saddness. Hey tell u what i am in same situation like rest of u dear sisters. dont worry i feel crap whole time, but i get for sake of my kids , i make i sure as much as i can and sometimes i cry loads. but i know dear god is always watching me and im always seeking his attention.
but i hope Allah improves ur situation inshallah.

[Lonely Gal]

and urs too..

[Ushae]

its great to hear that u av been able to stay the same and not let circumstance change u

Lets hope you and the others here can do the same. Men and Women are equals in their own regard, the Prophet(pbuh) himself said this.

Lonely Gal, I can only give this last piece of advise. If the Isthikahara was accurate, you (assuming it was accurate) know what to do next, Allah has already shown you. Don't waste your life and future in misery and sadness, I know you don't want to, nor do you need to on anybody's behalf. It's your life. Allah gave you the right to choose. Exercise that right.

Fee Iman Allah
Good Night
Usman

[Zahida]

:sl: Sorry sister to hear of your troubles very similar yet everyone unalike........ But please you must stay strong..........

Everyones situations are different......... I know it is painfull for the person going through that situation........ we can sympathise, support and comfort each other butonly Allah can ease our pains......... InshAllah.

I like that you are always seeking Allahs' attention and InshAllah he will show us his mercy Ameen. Praying for you.:w:

salaam
After reading all the posts it seems like the time has come where marriages will break like pearls from necklace.Everywhere i see same story,same saddness. Hey tell u what i am in same situation like rest of u dear sisters. dont worry i feel crap whole time, but i get for sake of my kids , i make i sure as much as i can and sometimes i cry loads. but i know dear god is always watching me and im always seeking his attention.
but i hope Allah improves ur situation inshallah.

[Zahida]

:sl:Hey there lonely gal!!!!!!!!! hope you are good????????

I agree with Ushae........... You have been given the opportunity by Allah to change your circumstances take that opportunity.......before it your situation ruins you for the person that you are................

Thinking/praying for you.........:w:

[Lonely Gal]

Slaam, hows u doin sis.. Im ok..
In fact im very confused about life...
How do I know that the dream I had was the truth... was it something I want deep down so that's why i dreamt it?
How do I make this decision?
How do I approach it?
Do any of u guys know about dreams?
Last night I dreamt my dad crying - what does this mean?
Also I had a dream that my husbands brother was speaking to me and said hes like that... strange.. am confused...

[Ushae]

Slaam, hows u doin sis.. Im ok..
In fact im very confused about life...
How do I know that the dream I had was the truth... was it something I want deep down so that's why i dreamt it?
How do I make this decision?
How do I approach it?
Do any of u guys know about dreams?
Last night I dreamt my dad crying - what does this mean?
Also I had a dream that my husbands brother was speaking to me and said hes like that... strange.. am confused...

Did you have the dream the same night you prayed Isthikara ? If so then I'd assume it was guidance or a sign of some sort.

You should make this decision based on your future and what you desire from it. Think about your future children and what kind of future you envisage for them. Think as far forward as you possibly can.

What do you mean you saw your husband brother and he said 'hes like that' ?...I'm a little confused about this ^^

Usman

[Lonely Gal]

Yes it was on the night i prayed.
inshAllah my kids willnever have to go through what Ive been and am going through.
The dream i had about my brother in law talkin to me and sayin my husbands like that happened last nite.. is it trying to tell me that there more things to happen in life and blow up..

[Ushae]

Yes it was on the night i prayed.
inshAllah my kids willnever have to go through what Ive been and am going through.
The dream i had about my brother in law talkin to me and sayin my husbands like that happened last nite.. is it trying to tell me that there more things to happen in life and blow up..

Like what ? A cheater ?
My interpretation would be that it means you're best off leaving him, you've had two dreams all pointing in the same direction. If this doesn't mean Allah is showing you the correct path I don't know what is..

Again the choice is ultimately yours..
I sincerely hope things resolve for you and you get the happiness you deserve.

Allah Hafis
Usman

[Lonely Gal]

im not sure if its toward cheating.. but in my dream summat happens, the whole family is aware. and he calls me to the other room to tell me that..
thanks bro. appreciate it..

[Ushae]

Hmm,

Wait on it to see if you see any more signs. If you see another sign (can be while you are awake) or dream that points in that direction then I suppose you know what to do. I wish you the best of luck, you are in my dua's..

Fee Iman Allah
Usman

[Lonely Gal]

Thanks bro. I am waiting to see what other signs I may get, i dunno why but I beleive something will happen all out in the open and things will become clear. InshAllah
Thanks again