What would you ask a potential partner?

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

^ I don't get 3 and 4.

Sounds threatening. :hmm:

It's more to see how she sees her self and what she thinks of herself. I'll obviously say it without an accusatory tone of voice :P

Isn't this too ambiguous? She could say anything. "I am... sitting here right now" lol

Yeah that's sorta the point..to break the ice. It's a little weird if we're both sitting there super serious and talking as if we're discussing a business transaction.

Yep 8 twins, like that thread u posted, if that would happen to me i'd be the happiest guy alive :D

Hahaha me too bro! But I guess family planning is down the road, and in the Hands of Allaah at the end of the day.

Imagine some poor brother has four wives and by the decree of Allaah each wife bears him octuplets. Poor soul.

[Yanal]

Hey at the same time a new record. I'm going to try to have 5. But I would first see myself finincially and my wife if she's physically fit. After that is settled I'm
Going to spread them apart on a timeline :D

[Najm]

Yeah that's sorta the point..to break the ice. It's a little weird if we're both sitting there super serious and talking as if we're discussing a business transaction.

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Well akhi, for some marriage is just a piece of paper, or a passport, it simply a business transaction imsad

FiAmaaniAllah

[Yanal]

Yes it is because to save millions worth of property or because of an oath.

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[AhlaamBella]

That is true. Half the people on muslim marriage sites are looking for visas anyway.

[Intisar]

:sl:

I would ask her, how many kiddos can u handle? My desire is to have as many possible, hopefully 8 twins :)

:w: Akhee good luck with that, you sound like you're making a demand. Especially since you're not the one who's going to give birth to them.

I saw a woman who was pregnant with only five children, her stomach kept moving about, I swear I saw a little foot or something. An imprint of some sort. :offended:

The kids are 2 now and they all scream and follow eachother. Six twins! 4 boys and 2 girls subhanAllaah!

You should watch that show on TLC ''Jon and Kate: Plus 8'', those little kids are clever.

[Mikayeel]

:sl:

^
I have considered that, and what i find is that women go through a difficult period a man must appreciate that and alhamdulilah i do.

The demanding bit was a mere joke, may Allah bless me with many kids. :)

:w:

[Intisar]

:sl:

^
I have considered that, and what i find is that women go through a difficult period a man must appreciate that and alhamdulilah i do.

The demanding bit was a mere joke, may Allah bless me with many kids. :)

:w:

:w: I know, but just think of it...six screaming children! You need a lot of sabr for that. :offended:

You know if you do get blessed with that many kids inshaa'Allaah, in the labour room you'll practically be giving birth too, it's only fair. :D

[Banu_Hashim]

:sl:

I would ask her, how many kiddos can u handle? My desire is to have as many possible, hopefully 8 twins :)

Lol. 8 sets of twins?! That's 16 kids! If you mean 4 sets of twins equaling 8 kids altogether, that that's slightly less crazy.:p . But, wouldn't it be better to have say 4 kids and raise them properly rather than 10+ and not cope?

Just a thought.

[*Yasmin*]

I would ask her, how many kiddos can u handle? My desire is to have as many possible, hopefully 8 twins

then how about get married to 4 women every one gives birth for 2 kids. that seems fair!

[Banu_Hashim]

^^ Haha. In terms of workload, I guess...

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam

Assalam Alaikum
find time and answer plz :D

lol ok here goes :exhausted

The young man only wanted a girl who was religious and practicing. (Which
was hard to find)?

i honestly find it hard to believe that a man wants ONLY a religious practicing girl. would they they really exist:?

hearing this the young girl was outraged, she stormed off to her parents with fury, and said i do not want to marry this man he is insulting my beauty, and intelligence.

i think that questions a little...blunt...

seriously, would anyone sincere really admit that they Love and Allah and His Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa sallam). to me, this is soooo easy to come on the tongue. the reality of this love is only found in ones actions....i think (to me) if someone really did love Allah and His prophet, then such words would be near impossible to even utter...in fact if i asked a potential that and he said yes, id dump him like a tonne of bricks :p

If a woman loves Allah and the prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) more than anyone, she will love me and respect me, and stay faithful to me, because of that love, and fear for Allah (swt). and we can share this love, because this love is greater than lust for beauty.

but i find it really weird if a dude didnt marry a girl for her looks. i mean ofcourse that shouldn't be the sole reason to marry a girl. however, naturally as a man, it would be normal to incline to her physical appearance. that's the way men have been created. So to marry a person purely for their deen (to me) is quite unrealistic coming from a female, let alone a male...

The young man said, then i asked, you read allot of qur'an, can you tell me the meaning of any surah? and she said no. because I haven't had time yet. so i thought of that hadith "ALL humans, are dead except for those who have knowledge"

Its not about what you know though, its about what you put into practice...

she has lived 20 years and not found ANY time, to seek knowledge, why would i marry a woman, who does not know her rights, and responsibilities, and what will she teach my children, except how to be negligent, because the woman the best of teachers.

i agree and he sounds a lil like my bro :p however, its only effective, only if this knowledge is at least tried to be put into practise...anyone can say anything... but the heart is truly the precursor of the actions...:)
to me, it would rather be better to marry a person (i would prefer myself to be like this too) who knows, memorizes and puts into practice something as small as Surat al-Faathah, than to have memozied/understood the quran and hadith and do next to nothing in implementing them *rollseyes*

And a woman who has no time for Allah, will not have time for her husband.

that comment was weird...it goes the other way too. i guess you have to balance. not be excessive in one and negligent in another...aaaall about balance...

The third question I asked her was, that a lot of girls, prettier than her, had approached me for marriage, why should I choose you? that is why she stormed off, getting angry.
The young man's parents said that is a horrible thing to say, why would you do such a thing, we are going back there to apologise.
The young man said i said this on purpose, to test whether she could control her anger.

well, instead of getting her to control her anger, why doesn't he look at what he asked. i mean some people are real sensitive about their looks.

and second what if she didnt react like that. i would personally find it weird that someone wouldn't react like that to a question like that. it just means (to me) that they would let them selves be degraded, or they don't think much of themselves, which is a little sad....

lol and thirdly, omg as if you ask that to a girl in front of her parents.

do you think she will be able to control it with her husband??

yes. because she knows him/his mentality, hence she maybe more patient with what he says to her. it'll make sense to react to an insult of a stranger then to your spouse, because with a stranger, you dont know their mentality and what they were thinking and their intentions behind their question. so yh i think his reasoning's a little flawed :)...

knowledge, not looks,

nothing wrong with having both...i think they're both important in a marriage...

practice, not preaching,

speak for yourself :p

spiritual love, not lust.

again nothing wrong with there being both. but i would deffo say that spiritual love is way more virtuous...

Marriage is not what we usually think about it as.....It's beyond sweet talks, good gifts, romantic dinners...A successful marriage is based on love, understanding, compromise, trust etc but more on our correct understanding of Islam...Follow Islam's criteria for marriage and you all will have a blissful and happy marriage.....Islam has clearly stated the rights and duties of men and women ...Just follow it....GoodLuck to all my Muslim brothers & Sisters

!
agreed, and i would also add, responsibility :exhausted :D

:sl:
I like you reasoning sis:coolious:.

barakallahu feeki :)

[quote]It is however going to be difficult finding something like that. :hmm:
lol...u can say tht again...:D

[S_87]

Would it be appropriate to ask about the person's past, for example Have u had a gf/bf before? have you ever tried drugs, or been clubbing, etc? This would apply only if the person was born muslim.

that is a good question thought maybe not on first meeting :p

8 twins subhanAllah. talk about a handful.:exhausted

[~Taalibah~]

:sl:
Wow! Ummul, an interesting come back!

[Najm]

wa alaykum us-Salaam

lol ok here goes :exhausted



i honestly find it hard to believe that a man wants ONLY a religious practicing girl. would they they really exist:?




but i find it really weird if a dude didnt marry a girl for her looks. i mean ofcourse that shouldn't be the sole reason to marry a girl. however, naturally as a man, it would be normal to incline to her physical appearance. that's the way men have been created. So to marry a person purely for their deen (to me) is quite unrealistic coming from a female, let alone a male...

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

I think your comment was excellent. However a couple aspects to point out. I am sure there are brothers out there are are 1st and formost looking for the deen in a sister.

Theses people do exist, and being a practising brother/sister should not be underestimated.

Someone who is practices the deen, will naturally have a really good character, manners, personality and Taqwa etc. They are some who are on the right path, and would help all those people in his life to come towards the right path.

I dont see the problem in a man wanting "ONLY" a religious wife, because that means they will ultmately know each others rights, they would do as much to take care of each other, understand each other etc.

And if couples are match accordingly to their deen, then i am sure there would no marriage problems that cannot be solved!!! Marriage built around the deen will always be sucessful!! Al5hamdulillah!! :statisfie

Also is kool to have a good looking person, but its not as important as the deen. How will people be good looking for ? 20 years or 30 years? and then what marrya someone younger? imsad

P.s generally speaking and not implying you ofcourse :p

Check this out... http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...companion.html


FiAmaaniAllah

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam wa Rahmatullahi Wa barkatu

:sl:
Also is kool to have a good looking person, but its not as important as the deen. How will people be good looking for ? 20 years or 30 years? and then what marrya someone younger?

i agree akhee with what you said. the deen is the most important. but also sometimes it may not be someones top priority (and with good reason). i guess it depends on what you prefer. but especially as a brother.

and @ the sisters, wouldn't you feel a little degraded if you married someone who thought you were unattractive. i mean as a girl you worry about what you look like. ...so to spend the rest of your life with someone that thinks your're not all that attractive...wouldn't that upset you...

Wow! Ummul, an interesting come back!

lol barakallahu feeki...see why i couldnt stand him :exhausted :p

[Faseeha]

and @ the sisters, wouldn't you feel a little degraded if you married someone who thought you were unattractive. i mean as a girl you worry about what you look like. hey, its only natural ...so to spend the rest of your life with someone that thinks your're not all that attractive...wouldn't that upset you...

Yes that would definitely be degrading, I wouldn't be able to spend my life with someone who doesn't find me attractive.

In my opinion a mutual attraction is vital. If you're not attracted to your partner, you'd be more likely to look at other women/men.

[Najm]

wa alaykum us-Salaam wa Rahmatullahi Wa barkatu

i agree akhee with what you said. the deen is the most important. but also sometimes it may not be someones top priority (and with good reason). i guess it depends on what you prefer. but especially as a brother.

and @ the sisters, wouldn't you feel a little degraded if you married someone who thought you were unattractive. i mean as a girl you worry about what you look like. hey, its only natural :p...so to spend the rest of your life with someone that thinks your're not all that attractive...wouldn't that upset you...


lol barakallahu feeki...see why i couldnt stand him :exhausted :p

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Sorry, to ask but what is the "good reason" for deen not being top? :-[

Well of course they would feel degraded!! I'm sure brothers would feel the same imsad That would upset anyone.

Lets put it this way, having deen and looks is great, but if that not possible then.....it should be deen over looks, rather than looks over deen. :statisfie

If someone is so into their deen, then they would love what is good(spouse) for them, and stay away from what is bad(random person).

I'd go as far as saying.... if brother marries sister because of the deen, doesn't that mean he is attracted to her (because of her deen)? :-[

FiAmaaniAllah

[Umar001]

Bismillahir rahmanir raheem,

As-Salaamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullah,

I would have thought this thread now contains more than enough questions for meetings, even for a brother marrying four times! :statisfie

My advice would be ask just as many questions to her father/brothers etc.


Br.al-Habeshi

[Ummu Sufyaan]

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu
Sorry, to ask but what is the "good reason" for deen not being top? :-[

what i mean by good reason, is based on the individaul and what they are looking for in a spouse. i don't know, it maybe their manners...it depends on the person and what they want in a spouse...

and btw, by "deen" i meant one who is a knowledge seeker, etc...not just the ordinarily practicing Muslim...

eg, wouldnt it be better for someone to be lacking in knowledge then manners. to me, it would be and thats because (imo) manners are the "foundation" of seeking knowledge. if you don't have manners, then your're not humble and perhaps to an extent arrogant when seeking knowledge. So, in that case, how will the deen being "at the top" be of any benefit?


One of the reasons why i didnt really like the article was because it just seemed to revolve around knowledge/deen. Knowledge/Deen is NOT the be all and end all in a person. Of course that's important, but when you marry someone, you have to take into consideration that that whole "knowledge factor" does NOT complete a person, (I repeat, does NOT complete a person) even if knowledge is your top priority in a spouse. what i mean by this is that people are imperfect, they have bad habits, etc, we're all human. so its stupid to marry someone, yet you aren't able to live and bare with their bad traits, simply because they are so knowledgeable. we're all human, and we all have our limits.

So, its better to have a balanced approach by taking into consideration all those good AND bad things that come with a prospect, and ask yourself if you are able to handle their bad traits. otherwise, all this stuff later will come up and will cause tensions in a marriage. and the last thing we want to do, is have tension/problems in a marriage that could have easily been avoided.


so, I guess knowledge/deen can be the most important (again, depending on the person)BUT at the same time, one has to take into account everything else of bad things that comes with a person.

Lets put it this way, having deen and looks is great, but if that not possible then.....it should be deen over looks, rather than looks over deen. :statisfie

agreed, but again I think it'll depend on ones priorities.
For some people, a person looks may make them inclined to a prospect, and if they like what they see of them, then because of that alone, they'll take it further.
Whereas for other people deen/knowledge (perhaps even character and personality) would most likely make them incline to that person, and looks would come later. as i said, It'll depend on the person...

i don't mean to start an argument or anything...just my two cents

I think your comment was excellent. However a couple aspects to point out. I am sure there are brothers out there are are 1st and formost looking for the deen in a sister.

@ one of your previous posts...1st and foremost yes (again, depending on the person). However, not the ONLY as mentioned in the little story. that's what im against.

[Najm]

what i mean by good reason, is based on the individaul and what they are looking for in a spouse. i don't know, it maybe their manners...it depends on the person and what they want in a spouse...

and btw, by "deen" i meant one who is a knowledge seeker, etc...not just the ordinarily practicing Muslim...

eg, wouldnt it be better for someone to be lacking in knowledge then manners. to me, it would be and thats because (imo) manners are the "foundation" of seeking knowledge. if you don't have manners, then your're not humble and perhaps to an extent arrogant when seeking knowledge. So, in that case, how will the deen being "at the top" be of any benefit?


One of the reasons why i didnt really like the article was because it just seemed to revolve around knowledge/deen. Knowledge/Deen is NOT the be all and end all in a person. Of course that's important, but when you marry someone, you have to take into consideration that that whole "knowledge factor" does NOT complete a person, (I repeat, does NOT complete a person) even if knowledge is your top priority in a spouse. what i mean by this is that people are imperfect, they have bad habits, etc, we're all human. so its stupid to marry someone, yet you aren't able to live and bare with their bad traits, simply because they are so knowledgeable. we're all human, and we all have our limits.

So, its better to have a balanced approach by taking into consideration all those good AND bad things that come with a prospect, and ask yourself if you are able to handle their bad traits. otherwise, all this stuff later will come up and will cause tensions in a marriage. and the last thing we want to do, is have tension/problems in a marriage that could have easily been avoided.


so, I guess knowledge/deen can be the most important (again, depending on the person)BUT at the same time, one has to take into account everything else of bad things that comes with a person.



agreed, but again I think it'll depend on ones priorities.
For some people, a person looks may make them inclined to a prospect, and if they like what they see of them, then because of that alone, they'll take it further.
Whereas for other people deen/knowledge (perhaps even character and personality) would most likely make them incline to that person, and looks would come later. as i said, It'll depend on the person...

i don't mean to start an argument or anything...just my two cents


@ one of your previous posts...1st and foremost yes (again, depending on the person). However, not the ONLY as mentioned in the little story. that's what im against.

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Wow!! SubhaanAllah!! Excellent post! I agree with everything you said, very logical.:statisfie

The only thing i would say is the word "deen". I took a different undrstanding........ If someone has strong deen, then i assume they have good religious traits, good manners, good personality, Taqwa, striver, patience, seeking knowledge etc. As they are trying their best to live life on the right path. Thats kinda what i meant by deen. :-[

Nevertheless you were completely right on the other post about the guy and the girl :statisfie

JazakiAllah Khair

FiAmaaniAllah

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:

If by the end of meeting (s) I'm sure that I wanna marry her, I'll be like:

You've agreed to me, and I've agreed to you, what do you say we do the nikah right now? :D

[Umar001]

Bismillahir rahmanir Raheem,

Wa 'Alaykum Salam Wa Rahmatullah guys, just couldn't help but comment:

:sl:

If by the end of meeting (s) I'm sure that I wanna marry her, I'll be like:

You've agreed to me, and I've agreed to you, what do you say we do the nikah right now? :D

Erm, ok. :blind: sounds so wierd.

That might scare her off. :p But, romantic nonetheless. :statisfie

Romantic? I must be missing some sarcasm. Are you two guys related, you make a great tag team on the forum ya know.

I think we need to move some of this into the brother's section, so I can speak my mind freely on you two both. :raging:

Br.al-Habeshi

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

If by the end of meeting (s) I'm sure that I wanna marry her, I'll be like:

You've agreed to me, and I've agreed to you, what do you say we do the nikah right now? :D

no! don't do that! unless you say it in a jokey way, then if she says no, you wont feel so...dumb :X. but seriously, people need to let these decisions sink in. i mean first your're not married, then you are married. its a huge thing to take in, i would imagine.

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Wow!! SubhaanAllah!! Excellent post! I agree with everything you said, very logical.:statisfie

The only thing i would say is the word "deen". I took a different undrstanding........ If someone has strong deen, then i assume they have good religious traits, good manners, good personality, Taqwa, striver, patience, seeking knowledge etc.

barakallahu feek...

fair enough. but do be warned that someone who is versed in knowledge, is NOT equated to someone who is religious. wallahi i have seen it with my own eyes. its like how alot of people think that because a brother has a beard, then he MUST be the kindest/pious person on earth, but them he turms out to be the most hideous person to wife/kids. again, ive seen it with my own eyes...

I saw a woman who was pregnant with only five children, her stomach kept moving about, I swear I saw a little foot or something. An imprint of some sort. :offended:

oh cool!:D...if my babies were to do that, id tickle their feet :p :statisfie

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
Questions im going to ask, inshallah:
What is he looking for in a wife both deeni and Dunya wise
what would annoy/irritate you in a wife
what are your goals/purposes in a marriage
define luxury/comfort
what kind of people are your favorite/why?
do you like kids? why/why not?
what do people say/think about you, especially your family
whats your social life like...
if you saw some random guy eyeing out your sister in islam (or even your blood sister), what would you do?
what do you think about the current state of the Muslims in war torn countries. why does it bother you?
do you know how to bake bread...
do you like fishing


i think that'll be about it to be honest. seriously though, i wouldn't want to spend our whole meeting answering and asking questions. it'll be like an interrogation. The only questions id like to ask, are the ones that really bother me...such as the above...i think that if you get enough background info on the prospect, then when you meet them, it should be relaxed talk...



btw, do you people think it'll look really bad if you had like a list of these things in front of you (due to forgetfulness), and read them off the list...

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

no! don't do that! unless you say it in a jokey way, then if she says no, you wont feel so...dumb :X. but seriously, people need to let these decisions sink in. i mean first your're not married, then you are married. its a huge thing to take in, i would imagine.

Yeah..it's more of a joke. I'd say it to her making well sure that her dad doesn't hear me..lol.

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

:salamext:

I think brothers need to remember a lot of sisters don't joke with non-mahrams, haven't had any sort of relationship with men etc., so therefore are extremely shy before getting married. Therefore some jokes might make them feel uncomfortable, and they might not have the courage to joke back, especially considering the context of why they are speaking with this brother.

I know a lot of sisters would wish the ground opened up and swallowed them if someone said that to them in a muqaabalah (meeting).

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:salamext:

I think brothers need to remember a lot of sisters don't joke with non-mahrams, haven't had any sort of relationship with men etc., so therefore are extremely shy before getting married. Therefore some jokes might make them feel uncomfortable, and they might not have the courage to joke back, especially considering the context of why they are speaking with this brother.

I know a lot of sisters would wish the ground opened up and swallowed them if someone said that to them in a muqaabalah (meeting).

:wasalamex

Neither do us brothers, nor have we had any sort of relationship previously. At the same time, myself personally, it's quite important for me to know that my wife has a good sense of humor and can understand jokes, cultural references and interact with me in these things etc. It's not the most important thing obviously, but it's something that I definitely need in a wife and I intend to find this out before I marry her via the medium of these meetings. I don't plan on marrying an ultra-conservative sister, a good practicing conservative sister is fine; in terms of religion, I'm looking for balance and dynamic understanding (as opposed to someone that has a simplistic understanding and sees things in black and white) and following the religion whilst doing what is allowed. And Islamically, I've learned from my teachers that during these meetings your allowed to joke and show your sense of humor, so I'm going to take advantage of that because when I'm with a prospective spouse, I already know enough about her to know that she's relaxed enough to understand these jokes and act in accordance.

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

First of all, from my post I didn't intend that brothers tend to joke around with non-mahram women, or more likely to have had past relationships etc. So sorry if that's how it was perceived. But women are naturally more shy than men in these cases, hence the term, as shy as virgin girl.

I understand where you're coming from, as a sense of humour is a trait thats often desired by sisters too. But a sister may not be comfortable enough to joke back in the first muqaabalah. In fact, I often hear sisters saying that they were so shy they didn't get a chance to look at the brother. But of course, a brother should be able to see how comfortable a sister is, and therefore would probably be able to determine what the best way to break the ice would be.

Anyway, all the best to the single brothers and sisters. I hope you get what you're looking for.

:salamext:

[Yanal]

Asalam Alaykum Warakmatulah Wabarkatuh.
Here are a few questions:
How are you today?
Do you want to see my qualifications in studies?
Did you have any previous relationships with a man?
First I am going to say I'm poor, and ask you still want to marry me?
If yes then I'll go to my parents to ask her hand for marriage.


I have a question relating this factor,Are Muslims allowed to go on a honeymoon?
Walakum Asalam Warakmatulah Wabarkatuh.

[Faseeha]

I would definitely want to test his sense of humor as well as see his reaction to certain situations.

I'd ask him to tell me a joke, or something that he found funny, and by that I'd get an idea of his sense of humor.

as for his other traits, I'd give different scenario's and ask what his reaction would be to each one.

[Banu_Hashim]

If yes then I'll go to my parents to ask her hand for marriage.

Wouldn't you go to her parents to ask for her hand in marriage... and obviously discuss it with your parents before hand.

I have a question relating this factor,Are Muslims allowed to go on a honeymoon?

If two people are married... I guess it's OK to go on whatever trip they want. It's just this negative connotation with the word "honeymoon" isn't it? Go for hajj together... that's the best "honeymoon" you can do.

[Re.TiReD]

:sl:

If by the end of meeting (s) I'm sure that I wanna marry her, I'll be like:

You've agreed to me, and I've agreed to you, what do you say we do the nikah right now? :D

:wasalamex

I'd wish for the ground to swallow me up. But then he'd probably wish for it to spit me back out again so...meh. LOL imagine somebody actually saying that ;D

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

Yeah..it's more of a joke. I'd say it to her making well sure that her dad doesn't hear me..lol.

but wouldn't that be like your're conversing privately with her. i mean i know there would be other people there, hence you wont be alone. but the fact that you say it for only her to hear, would it fall under the same thing as conversing alone? and also akhee, with some girls (perhaps even most), if she is to pick up that your're trying to avoid her dad hearing that, she may consider you dis-respective to him...

First of all, from my post I didn't intend that brothers tend to joke around with non-mahram women, or more likely to have had past relationships etc. So sorry if that's how it was perceived. But women are naturally more shy than men in these cases, hence the term, as shy as virgin girl.

I understand where you're coming from, as a sense of humour is a trait thats often desired by sisters too. But a sister may not be comfortable enough to joke back in the first muqaabalah. In fact, I often hear sisters saying that they were so shy they didn't get a chance to look at the brother. But of course, a brother should be able to see how comfortable a sister is, and therefore would probably be able to determine what the best way to break the ice would be.

Anyway, all the best to the single brothers and sisters. I hope you get what you're looking for.

:salamext:

agreed...a sense of humor in a girl wouldn't come out right away. probably to even in a guy... you would definatley need to give it some time. i do understand that your allowed abit of "freedom" in the meetings, etc, but still, i wouldnt advice anyone to expect it right away....
i mean she may laugh at your jokes or something, but it'll take guts for her to reply....

[crayon]

I'd ask him to tell me a joke, or something that he found funny, and by that I'd get an idea of his sense of humor.

Why did the chicken cross the road?.....:happy:

[~Taalibah~]

:sl:

agreed...a sense of humor in a girl wouldn't come out right away. probably to even in a guy... you would definatley need to give it some time. i do understand that your allowed abit of "freedom" in the meetings, etc, but still, i wouldnt advice anyone to expect it right away....
i mean she may laugh at your jokes or something, but it'll take guts for her to reply....

I suppose if the guy just says something light that is funny it can bring a smile or a small laugh from a shy girl?
A open joke would definitely make a girl be else where and disapprove of the guy.:p

[~Taalibah~]

Yeah..it's more of a joke. I'd say it to her making well sure that her dad doesn't hear me..lol.

Dad aint the only one who can be there as mahram.

I think theres nothing really wrong with this providing you'l do seem to like one another and it doesnt sound er, forward.
I know of guys who just spoke nonsense and cracked jokes with their meetings and the girls could take it.:heated:It would depend on the person i guess.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
I would also ask:
what do you think a girls relationship should be with her family once she is married?
do you think a husband has a role in teaching what he knows (of knowledge) to his wife? and do you mind if your wife gains knowledge?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

I know of guys who just spoke nonsense and cracked jokes with their meetings and the girls could take it.:heated:It would depend on the person i guess.

yh agreed...i dno, for me personally at least the whole joking around my scare me. but i also think it'll depend when he started to be funny lol. i mean if its right away or something, or his every second word is a joke *ugh* then yh that'll scare me off...
for me, itll be suffient for the guy to look and be relax. you know the whole body langue not necessarily speech would make me feel more at ease...altho a joke or two wouldnt go astray either...

and also, itll depend on the joke. i mean the guy doesn't have to crack a joke to make me laugh...just something in general thats funny. even if he says something to my brothers/dad lol

[~Taalibah~]

:sl:
and do you mind if your wife gains knowledge?

:? Umm gain knowledge? Why should anyone mind?

[S_87]

:sl:

If by the end of meeting (s) I'm sure that I wanna marry her, I'll be like:

You've agreed to me, and I've agreed to you, what do you say we do the nikah right now? :D

if its meetingS then that idea wouldnt be so bad

[Faseeha]

Why did the chicken cross the road?.....:happy:

If that's the joke he made, that would send me running!

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:

but wouldn't that be like your're conversing privately with her. i mean i know there would be other people there, hence you wont be alone. but the fact that you say it for only her to hear, would it fall under the same thing as conversing alone? and also akhee, with some girls (perhaps even most), if she is to pick up that your're trying to avoid her dad hearing that, she may consider you dis-respective to him...

:w:

I've learned that the mahram of the sister doesn't have to be sitting right there with you two listening to everything you two are talking about. They can be sitting at a distance, as long as they can see you. Like if you're having the meeting at a restaurant (for example) the mahram can be a couple of tables down.

And honestly, I don't think I'll be comfortable talking to her openly with her dad sitting right there with her, nor would the sister I guess. I'd be too worried thinking about what he's thinking about me lol.

if its meetingS then that idea wouldnt be so bad

Yeah or if you already know whether she's a relaxed kinda person through your sister or something.

Dad aint the only one who can be there as mahram.

I think theres nothing really wrong with this providing you'l do seem to like one another and it doesnt sound er, forward.
I know of guys who just spoke nonsense and cracked jokes with their meetings and the girls could take it.:heated:It would depend on the person i guess.

Yeah true. I'd rather it be her brother if she has one. And to clarify, by joking I don't mean spending the entire time doing that. It's more like if you see something funny about something, then just saying it to lighten up the conversation. After all, you're there to get to know the person and this is one part of that process.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

:? Umm gain knowledge? Why should anyone mind?

im not sure lol...i just would wanna hear what he has to say i guess...

oh and i would also ask if he is willing to be a Mujahid :-[:D and if he likes archery and sword fighting :D:D:D
oh and what he thinks of the niqaab....

on second thought, it looks like he's in for an interrogation after all :p....

:w:

I've learned that the mahram of the sister doesn't have to be sitting right there with you two listening to everything you two are talking about. They can be sitting at a distance, as long as they can see you. Like if you're having the meeting at a restaurant (for example) the mahram can be a couple of tables down.

ok, i see...barakallahu feek....

I'd be too worried thinking about what he's thinking about me lol.

and i dont get that bit? he has every right to worry about the guy he's giving his daughter to, no?

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

and i dont get that bit? he has every right to worry about the guy he's giving his daughter to, no?

:sl:

Of course. I mean that, usually brothers are quite..intimidated by the girl's father..and therefore would be somewhat scared to speak completely openly in front of him things he'd want to discuss with the girl.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa laykum us-Salaam...

:sl:

Of course. I mean that, usually brothers are quite..intimidated by the girl's father..and therefore would be somewhat scared to speak completely openly in front of him things he'd want to discuss with the girl.

ummm....okay that's quite interesting. i know that men fear men, etc but i would have thought the brother would be able to still hold his nerve, no?
so could you expand a little on what you mean by intimidated. in which way, and why? you don't have to answer, but i would like a brothers perspective, because if i felt that a prospect was trying to "dodge" my dad, i would have considered him disrespectful...even perhaps to the extent that he would have something to hide from him... but if its something normal and legitimate, then i need to know...

[Najm]

:sl:

If by the end of meeting (s) I'm sure that I wanna marry her, I'll be like:

You've agreed to me, and I've agreed to you, what do you say we do the nikah right now? :D

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

I've been thinking about this post alot:embarrass I know you meant it as a joke etc, but im sure it can be done. Lets just say that you and your family have decided this is the perfect girl for you. Then it'll be really kool to do the nikah right away!!

Cause like if you decided, the next step would be to go home and call them up and tell them you agree, and then have to arrange another meeting to sort out the legal and how ceremonies going to work and have to come around again etc.

Save the sister and her family from going through headache and do the nikah there and then :embarrass

FiAmaaniAllah

[Najm]

:w:

I've learned that the mahram of the sister doesn't have to be sitting right there with you two listening to everything you two are talking about. They can be sitting at a distance, as long as they can see you. Like if you're having the meeting at a restaurant (for example) the mahram can be a couple of tables down.

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

So i was wondering where is it possible to have a meeting?

I take it formal meetings takes place in sister's house right?

Where else can they meet informally? :uuh:cafe, restaurant etc

Where would the sisters feel comfortable?

p.s from my own experience sisters, dont ( or are not allowed to say much) directly to the brothers, and tend to look down( or away).....because they are ment to be shy etc, how does one deal with that ?

And how you deal with the parents, who like to do the talking, and leave the sister/brother on the side silently?:embarrass

FiAmaaniAllah

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:wasalamex

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Where would the sisters feel comfortable?

most sisters would probably feel comfortable in their parents home...

p.s from my own experience sisters, dont ( or are not allowed to say much) directly to the brothers, and tend to look down( or away).....because they are ment to be shy etc, how does one deal with that

what do you mean "meant to be shy?" you mean like put on an act, or :?

My advice: if it seems that the sister isn't allowed to speak up, (this may be due to family/culture pressure, etc)... and you notice that, then try to see past that, for now. sit and talk with her, even if her family reply back :rollseyes. sometimes it is possible to tell what type of personality one has simply by their body language.

as i said, look past that for now...I think the next best thing is to ask around about her through other people, and see what they have to say about her. I mean that in the sense that they would know what type of person she is, eg her likes/dislikes, if shes sociable, etc. So, try to figure out the type of person she is through them, because if her family/culture is, I guess harsh, in that respect then i don't think she will say much-she wouldn't be allowed to.

In reality she could be a real gem. so brothers, try not to let that deter you away from a sister and try to find other alternatives of getting to know her.

abit excessive, i know. but i guess its best in these situations to work around with what you have

And how you deal with the parents, who like to do the talking, and leave the sister/brother on the side silently?

same thing as above. i guess they'll act themselves after marriage, so just "make-do" with what you've got...


i hope that makes sense...

[Najm]

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

I agree with most of your points.

:wasalamex

most sisters would probably feel comfortable in their parents home...

what do you mean "meant to be shy?" you mean like put on an act, or :?

I mean like they have to put on an act, because parents expects them to be shy and all. Some see it as bad manners if they dont act shy etc:raging:

:wasalamex


My advice: if it seems that the sister isn't allowed to speak up, (this may be due to family/culture pressure, etc)... and you notice that, then try to see past that, for now. sit and talk with her, even if her family reply back :rollseyes. sometimes it is possible to tell what type of personality one has simply by their body language.

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Good advice, it is due to family/culture pressure etc. The sister's side of the family tend to be sure, that this is the guy etc, without really considering what the sister really thinks. Oh and what kind of body language am i really looking for?

:wasalamex

as i said, look past that for now...I think the next best thing is to ask around about her through other people, and see what they have to say about her. I mean that in the sense that they would know what type of person she is, eg her likes/dislikes, if shes sociable, etc. So, try to figure out the type of person she is through them, because if her family/culture is, I guess harsh, in that respect then i don't think she will say much-she wouldn't be allowed to.

Generally the family would, however, they also tend to overstate their character, which is really annoying imsad And what really annoys me is that, sometimes brothers feel as if they arent' just marrying the sister, but they are marrying the whole family:uuh: Because so much time, is spent on knowing the family, and their realtives, and the whole generation etc, people seem to forget its all about the two spouses to be :-[

:wasalamex

In reality she could be a real gem. so brothers, try not to let that deter you away from a sister and try to find other alternatives of getting to know her.

abit excessive, i know. but i guess its best in these situations to work around with what you have


same thing as above. i guess they'll act themselves after marriage, so just "make-do" with what you've got...

i hope that makes sense...

Yep, uhkti, you make a lot of sense, what other alternatives do you suggest?

Because brothers do get detered, and give up and find someone else. As a sidenote, it must be hard on the sister, if she gets continually rejected, because of simply brothers are not willing to go ahead due to this cultural issue? <<< Did that make sense? :-[

Also "make-do" with this does involved risk later on, what if the sister doesnt turn out to be the character everyone said? :-[

JazakiAllah For your post, excellent, and note taken :statisfie

FiAmaaniAllah

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:wasalamex

Oh and what kind of body language am i really looking for?

nothing in particular. but you know sometimes when someone is forced to shut up. you can tell that the person who "shuts them up," is really demanding, etc and that makes the person look a bit uncomfortable, irritated, etc another thing to realize is when someone is doing aaaaall the talking, eg answering aaaall the questions, heck, overtaking the conversation...you hear almost nothing from the person that's being addressed....just things like that.

Generally the family would, however, they also tend to overstate their character, which is really annoying imsad And what really annoys me is that, sometimes brothers feel as if they arent' just marrying the sister, but they are marrying the whole family:uuh: Because so much time, is spent on knowing the family, and their realtives, and the whole generation etc, people seem to forget its all about the two spouses to be :-[

true say akhee. but at the same time, that's marriage i guess. your spouse is going to come from a family, and you have to get to know them *as daunting as it maybe*. im sure she would want you to, right? and also they would want to know who their girl/relative is marrying (as long as it doesn't involve intermingling btw). and also, if she sees your're being patient and putting up all for her sake, she'll appreciate it. heaps...

dont think that marriage is all "happy days," etc, its also has its downsides, and i guess this is one of them. especially if your're dealing with elders (old habits die hard, as they say) and from someone who comes from a huge family. they all want to get to know you. just bare patience with it, it all comes with the package.

and also try being a sister! were the ones who leave our families. its sooo much harder for us. put your self in her shoes, and just think for even a second what she is going through when she leaves her family etc. not only is she leaving her family (btw, not literally leave, but leave none the less) she is meeting and joining another one, that chances are she may barely know. speaking as a sister the hardest thing for me when i get married, will be leaving my family imsad

Yep, uhkti, you make a lot of sense, what other alternatives do you suggest?

Because brothers do get detered, and give up and find someone else. As a sidenote, it must be hard on the sister, if she gets continually rejected, because of simply brothers are not willing to go ahead due to this cultural issue? <<< Did that make sense? :-[

Also "make-do" with this does involved risk later on, what if the sister doesnt turn out to be the character everyone said? :-[

that's definatley a risk. but you know what, you know who the good ones are because everybody has something good to say about them. wallahi, whether its their own family, the people they go to the masjid with (and the fact they go to masjid alone tells you what the type of person they are innit), heck even the non-muslim may have something good to say.
and also, don't forget istikhara.

JazakiAllah For your post, excellent, and note taken :statisfie

wa iyyak.

[sevgi]

I have no idea what I would ask exactly. But I know that it wont be easy for him to answer any of my questions. I'm gna ignore the more religious based questions. Marriage is about practicality for me.

I will definitely ask him if he reads. Not if he likes it or watever...but if it is a part of his life to read.

If he likes Twilight or Harry Potter...he's gone.

If he is a huge gamer (not the hobby type of gamer, but the 'I NEED THIS TO UNWIND' gamer)...he's gone.

I'll ask him what car he drives. I love stereotypes. If it's a Subaru of any sort...he's gone.

I'll ask him if he is lazy and/ or messy.

I'll ask him if he brushes his teeth every morning and night.

I'll ask him how much money he makes and how much charity he gives. If he is too wealthy...he's gone.

I'll ask him if he does youth work/ student mentoring or takes on a role in any dawah organisation. Very very picky with that stuff I am...

If he smokes...

If he prays when he goes out...

If touching me will break his wudu (according to some sha'fai's)

If he will mind if I support my dad financially.

If he will mind my dad, lil bro, lil sis staying at our place every now and then.

If he can screw on a light bulb without getting electricuted.

If he wants to buy or rent a house.

If he minds going out in mixed (male and female) crowds.

If he minds the way I dress.

And...I'd crack a joke..if he doesn't get my sense of humour...my gawwddd is he gone..

If he cracks a joke...and I'm like.."aha..ha..ha?" ...he is so gone...

And, I have to eat something with him. If he eats in a ugly way...I just...can't..live with that. Only I know what ugly eating is...i cant explain it...its just something that four people ive met have...its just..yeah.

ANYWHOO..you catch my drift.

[sevgi]

:? Umm gain knowledge? Why should anyone mind?

OH sis! There are plenty of men who dont want their wives to work or study.

I dont know why...they are just...paranoid freaks.

[Banu_Hashim]

^^Good practical questions!

If he cracks a joke...and I'm like.."aha..ha..ha?" ...he is so gone...

Haha... I like the confused laugh..;D

[Güven]

I'll ask him what car he drives. I love stereotypes. If it's a Subaru of any sort...he's gone.
.

I dont care about the other questions but SUBARU!?

so this :

is a big NO !? :muddlehea

[sevgi]

^^Good practical questions!



Haha... I like the confused laugh..;D

Haha..thanks..

Yeah, my bestfriend was inquired for by a brother. We went to meet him in an appropriate setting etc.

He cracked a "I'll be back" Arnold joke.....he was cracking up and my bestfriend and I just stared at eachother...at which point I said "aha ha...ha...God bless your humour" and my friend and I started cracking up.

It never worked between them. tsk.

[sevgi]

I dont care about the other questions but SUBARU!?

so this :

is a big NO !? :muddlehea

OK...maybe just the WRX's.

1. Too many of my older brothers bestfriends have died in them.

2. Guys who drive them just think they are hot, or "fully sick". I hate that.

3. If he has Turbo on it...zomg..he is gone.

I'd prefer a guy who goes for a more 'classy', down to earth economical car...like a Honda Accord Euro.

[AhlaamBella]

I don't mind slight differences in terms of personality but I purely focus on how close his deen is to his heart, not just his head

[Banu_Hashim]

Haha..thanks..

Yeah, my bestfriend was inquired for by a brother. We went to meet him in an appropriate setting etc.

He cracked a "I'll be back" Arnold joke.....he was cracking up and my bestfriend and I just stared at eachother...at which point I said "aha ha...ha...God bless your humour" and my friend and I started cracking up.

It never worked between them. tsk.

Oh Dear... not an Arnie Joke... I guess the joke was that he thought it was a joke?

When you say "inquired" did he ask someone else to ask her?

[Güven]

OK...maybe just the WRX's.

1. Too many of my older brothers bestfriends have died in them.

2. Guys who drive them just think they are hot, or "fully sick". I hate that.

3. If he has Turbo on it...zomg..he is gone.

I'd prefer a guy who goes for a more 'classy', down to earth economical car...like a Honda Accord Euro.

hmm I agree , I hate those types too.

btw An Honda Accord Euro ? lol

im sorry Im kinda into cars right now I have an driving theory exam day after tomorrow InshaAllah I Need to start revising :exhausted

[sevgi]

Oh Dear... not an Arnie Joke... I guess the joke was that he thought it was a joke?

When you say "inquired" did he ask someone else to ask her?

I work with him in an interfaith organisation. He asked me if she would be interested...I asked her...she said "he's too skinny"..I slapped her with my evil gaze...then she said "ok, I'll meet him"

That was just one of the many jokes, bro...my gawd...

[sevgi]

hmm I agree , I hate those types too.

btw An Honda Accord Euro ? lol

im sorry Im kinda into cars right now I have an driving theory exam day after tomorrow InshaAllah I Need to start revising :exhausted

Hey man, dnt diss the Accord Euro. You will lose your x-factor if you do.

Inshallah you will pass!

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

If he can screw on a light bulb without getting electricuted.

Of all the possible questions you posted, I can somehow understand the logic or reasoning behind them..but this one..after turning it over in my head for the past half hour..I still don't get..

[youngsister]

I have no idea what I would ask exactly. But I know that it wont be easy for him to answer any of my questions. I'm gna ignore the more religious based questions. Marriage is about practicality for me.

I will definitely ask him if he reads. Not if he likes it or watever...but if it is a part of his life to read.

If he likes Twilight or Harry Potter...he's gone.

If he is a huge gamer (not the hobby type of gamer, but the 'I NEED THIS TO UNWIND' gamer)...he's gone.

I'll ask him what car he drives. I love stereotypes. If it's a Subaru of any sort...he's gone.

I'll ask him if he is lazy and/ or messy.

I'll ask him if he brushes his teeth every morning and night.

I'll ask him how much money he makes and how much charity he gives. If he is too wealthy...he's gone.

I'll ask him if he does youth work/ student mentoring or takes on a role in any dawah organisation. Very very picky with that stuff I am...

If he smokes...

If he prays when he goes out...

If touching me will break his wudu (according to some sha'fai's)
If he will mind if I support my dad financially.

If he will mind my dad, lil bro, lil sis staying at our place every now and then.

If he can screw on a light bulb without getting electricuted.

If he wants to buy or rent a house.

If he minds going out in mixed (male and female) crowds.

If he minds the way I dress.

And...I'd crack a joke..if he doesn't get my sense of humour...my gawwddd is he gone..

If he cracks a joke...and I'm like.."aha..ha..ha?" ...he is so gone...

And, I have to eat something with him. If he eats in a ugly way...I just...can't..live with that. Only I know what ugly eating is...i cant explain it...its just something that four people ive met have...its just..yeah.

ANYWHOO..you catch my drift.

:sl:
I hate ugly eaters!

By the way I never heard that, I mean when he is your husband i am sure he can touch your arm for example without breaking his wudu
:muddlehea

Doesnt that only apply to non mahrams? Same with the the woman.

[sevgi]

Of all the possible questions you posted, I can somehow understand the logic or reasoning behind them..but this one..after turning it over in my head for the past half hour..I still don't get..

Well, If I am going to have to call a handy man or my dad or my older brother every time something small needs fixing in the house (the lightbulb was a cliche example), then I'm sure I will start fighting with him about it one day...It'd be cute at first...but as time passes:

1. I'll feel like crap calling my dad to help with the broken stuff.

2. I'll get sick of waiting around for handy men to come to the house.

3. I dont want handy men in the house

4. I'll start picking on his inability to do stuff around the house and that will slowly start to annoy him...I'll start calling him lazy coz "I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE" (i dno if i will ever say that...i doubt it now..but please not that I am writing in regards to the future and years and years of spending time with him) coz men really dont do much around the house anyway.

5. We may not always have the financial stability to call handy men and replace broken furniture


I dno..it makes sense in my head. :)

ps: dnt think abt my questions too much. i know that i wont care about hardly any of them when Allah makes me feel the right way about the person that I meet. but i care about them now! Lucky i didnt go into the religious stuff...or the kids stuff, or the study/work stuff!!!

[sevgi]

:sl:
I hate ugly eaters!

By the way I never heard that, I mean when he is your husband i am sure he can touch your arm for example without breaking his wudu
:muddlehea

Doesnt that only apply to non mahrams? Same with the the woman.

I dont mind your general ugly eater...there is just this thing with me and some people..:uuh:

Someone islamic website reaserch savvy can find you a link, but according to some shafais, a wife is not a full mahram so everytime their wife touches them, they lose wudu.

According to other shafais, this is not a problem and only if bad thoughts enter their minds when they touch their wife does their wudu break.

I have friends who fall into both categories..their fights are fun to watch:P but yes, i read up on it in a book a frend gave me and this was what I found.

[~Taalibah~]

I have no idea what I would ask exactly. But I know that it wont be easy for him to answer any of my questions. I'm gna ignore the more religious based questions. Marriage is about practicality for me.

I will definitely ask him if he reads. Not if he likes it or watever...but if it is a part of his life to read.

If he likes Twilight or Harry Potter...he's gone.

If he is a huge gamer (not the hobby type of gamer, but the 'I NEED THIS TO UNWIND' gamer)...he's gone.

I'll ask him what car he drives. I love stereotypes. If it's a Subaru of any sort...he's gone.

I'll ask him if he is lazy and/ or messy.

I'll ask him if he brushes his teeth every morning and night.

I'll ask him how much money he makes and how much charity he gives. If he is too wealthy...he's gone.

I'll ask him if he does youth work/ student mentoring or takes on a role in any dawah organisation. Very very picky with that stuff I am...

If he smokes...

If he prays when he goes out...

If touching me will break his wudu (according to some sha'fai's)

If he will mind if I support my dad financially.

If he will mind my dad, lil bro, lil sis staying at our place every now and then.

If he can screw on a light bulb without getting electricuted.

If he wants to buy or rent a house.

If he minds going out in mixed (male and female) crowds.

If he minds the way I dress.

And...I'd crack a joke..if he doesn't get my sense of humour...my gawwddd is he gone..

If he cracks a joke...and I'm like.."aha..ha..ha?" ...he is so gone...

And, I have to eat something with him. If he eats in a ugly way...I just...can't..live with that. Only I know what ugly eating is...i cant explain it...its just something that four people ive met have...its just..yeah.

ANYWHOO..you catch my drift.

:muddlehea Your q's are amazing!

[Mujahidah4Allah]

:sl:

wow sum big long Q'sone of my mains are

DO YOU SNORE?

wa/salam

[bewildred]

I think that Sevgi is my alter ego. She worded out exactly what I asked my hubby. I still remember his looks when I started asking. I should have brought with me my cam.

[sevgi]

I think that Sevgi is my alter ego. She worded out exactly what I asked my hubby. I still remember his looks when I started asking. I should have brought with me my cam.

I'll make sure to have a hidden cam on me. That way, I can bribe him with it in the future :P and I can call my female posse over for luncheon and we can watch him suffer whilst laughing and munching on the pasties I made my husband make for us.

:P

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Well, If I am going to have to call a handy man or my dad or my older brother every time something small needs fixing in the house (the lightbulb was a cliche example), then I'm sure I will start fighting with him about it one day...It'd be cute at first...but as time passes:

1. I'll feel like crap calling my dad to help with the broken stuff.

2. I'll get sick of waiting around for handy men to come to the house.

3. I dont want handy men in the house

4. I'll start picking on his inability to do stuff around the house and that will slowly start to annoy him...I'll start calling him lazy coz "I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE" (i dno if i will ever say that...i doubt it now..but please not that I am writing in regards to the future and years and years of spending time with him) coz men really dont do much around the house anyway.

5. We may not always have the financial stability to call handy men and replace broken furniture


I dno..it makes sense in my head. :)

ps: dnt think abt my questions too much. i know that i wont care about hardly any of them when Allah makes me feel the right way about the person that I meet. but i care about them now! Lucky i didnt go into the religious stuff...or the kids stuff, or the study/work stuff!!!

Ah interesting logic and it makes sense too. Jazakallah for explaining. All in all, quite some interesting and original questions.

[sevgi]

Ah interesting logic and it makes sense too. Jazakallah for explaining. All in all, quite some interesting and original questions.

:) Thanks.

Not so original aparently. The previous sister claims I am her alter ego and she has asked these questions to her current husband.

Oh well.

ws

[Pomak]

I have no idea what I would ask exactly. But I know that it wont be easy for him to answer any of my questions. I'm gna ignore the more religious based questions. Marriage is about practicality for me.

I will definitely ask him if he reads. Not if he likes it or watever...but if it is a part of his life to read.

If he likes Twilight or Harry Potter...he's gone.

If he is a huge gamer (not the hobby type of gamer, but the 'I NEED THIS TO UNWIND' gamer)...he's gone.

I'll ask him what car he drives. I love stereotypes. If it's a Subaru of any sort...he's gone.

I'll ask him if he is lazy and/ or messy.

I'll ask him if he brushes his teeth every morning and night.

I'll ask him how much money he makes and how much charity he gives. If he is too wealthy...he's gone.

I'll ask him if he does youth work/ student mentoring or takes on a role in any dawah organisation. Very very picky with that stuff I am...

If he smokes...

If he prays when he goes out...

If touching me will break his wudu (according to some sha'fai's)

If he will mind if I support my dad financially.

If he will mind my dad, lil bro, lil sis staying at our place every now and then.

If he can screw on a light bulb without getting electricuted.

If he wants to buy or rent a house.

If he minds going out in mixed (male and female) crowds.

If he minds the way I dress.

And...I'd crack a joke..if he doesn't get my sense of humour...my gawwddd is he gone..

If he cracks a joke...and I'm like.."aha..ha..ha?" ...he is so gone...

And, I have to eat something with him. If he eats in a ugly way...I just...can't..live with that. Only I know what ugly eating is...i cant explain it...its just something that four people ive met have...its just..yeah.

ANYWHOO..you catch my drift.

You know that most of those questions, you need to rely on him giving an honest answer.

[sevgi]

You know that most of those questions, you need to rely on him giving an honest answer.

I rely on Allah to make me believe him. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't meet him anyway.

And besides...he wont know which answer is right or wrong...my mind works in crazy ways.

[Pomak]

I rely on Allah to make me believe him. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't meet him anyway.

And besides...he wont know which answer is right or wrong...my mind works in crazy ways.

Wouldn't "tying your camel" in this case be asking questions that have both 'right' answers? Since if you ask "do you pray 5x" everyone is going to answer yes.

[sevgi]

Wouldn't "tying your camel" in this case be asking questions that have both 'right' answers? Since if you ask "do you pray 5x" everyone is going to answer yes.

No. I am not trying to trick or deceive him. I just have my personal preferances and I'd like to know if he is on the same page as me.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

I'll ask him if he is lazy and/ or messy.

hmm thats a good one. i have to somehow come up with something clever to ask if he does housework, etc because i am NOT going to marry a sloby couch potato +o( :uuh:

i'll also ask if he plays sports or something...a good way of detecting whether he's a couch potato or not

@ the sisters i reckon it'll be cool to ask if he can do the waltz :p lol cos if he can, it means he's good on his feet, and if he's good on his feet, image the pile of washing/iron/dishes, feeding the kids, vacuuming, he could do all at once!!! :p ;D it'll be like super man, only super husband :p :skeleton:

If he will mind if I support my dad financially.

why would he mind that :?

Haha..thanks..

Yeah, my bestfriend was inquired for by a brother. We went to meet him in an appropriate setting etc.

He cracked a "I'll be back" Arnold joke.....he was cracking up and my bestfriend and I just stared at eachother...at which point I said "aha ha...ha...God bless your humour" and my friend and I started cracking up.

It never worked between them. tsk.

and at that...oh i hate awkward moments like that...its like have i missed something :p


btw this thread should be a sticky...

[Intisar]

-Can you cook? If so, what are you favourite dishes? (PB and J and/or scrambled eggs need not apply)

-Do you have a good sense of humour? If so, would you mind if a sister laughed a lot, perhaps a bit too much if (if thats even possible)? Would it annoy you?

-Would like your wife to be more serious, or easy going? (ie. Someone you can have a laugh with)

-What is your relationship with your mother like? Are you very close with her? Do you live with her? If not, how often do you see her? (I believe a man's relationship with his mum is a direct reflection of his, future or possible, relationship with his wife)

-Do you believe in harming anyone psychically (if push comes to shove; defending yourself)?

-Have you ever witnessed, or heard of domestic violence to someone close to you?

-Name your favourite ayats in the Quran and how they reflect your life (if at all). Explain your reasoning.

[crayon]

I'd ask his opinion about niqaab.
Would he ever force me to wear it?
Would he ever forbid me from wearing it?

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

-What is your relationship with your mother like? Are you very close with her? Do you live with her? If not, how often do you see her? (I believe a man's relationship with his mum is a direct reflection of his, future or possible, relationship with his wife)

Yeah, and also his sister(s), if he has any.

[sevgi]

-What is your relationship with your mother like? Are you very close with her? Do you live with her? If not, how often do you see her? (I believe a man's relationship with his mum is a direct reflection of his, future or possible, relationship with his wife)

Zomg I so don't agree.

With mums and sisters it is unconditional. With children, it is unconditional. I would never expect my husband to love me more or equal to the way he loves his mum or his children. His love for me will come to life (his attitude towards me etc etc) in a totally different way.

[Banu_Hashim]

^^Aye. The relationship of husband and wife is completely different to that of one with parents and children.

[Al-Hanbali]

-Name your favourite ayats in the Quran and how they reflect your life (if at all). Explain your reasoning.

good Q :thumbs_up

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

Zomg I so don't agree.

With mums and sisters it is unconditional. With children, it is unconditional. I would never expect my husband to love me more or equal to the way he loves his mum or his children. His love for me will come to life (his attitude towards me etc etc) in a totally different way.

Yes, the type of love is very different. But I think she meant it like, how soft he is towards women. I've noticed that men that are very kind and understanding with their female relatives, are usually that way with their wives too. For example, my sister-in-law told me how her brother (and my husband) was always very kind, thoughtful and understanding with her, and she gave me examples. And I found that after I got married, he acted in much the same with me. It may not apply to everyone, though.

[Intisar]

Zomg I so don't agree.

With mums and sisters it is unconditional. With children, it is unconditional. I would never expect my husband to love me more or equal to the way he loves his mum or his children. His love for me will come to life (his attitude towards me etc etc) in a totally different way.

:sl: Sorry if you misunderstood sis, I meant the way that he treats his mother is a reflection of the way he will treat his wife. For example, my brother grew up with 3 other sisters (he's the oldest) and as a result he has a deep respect for women. I would like my (future) husband to be the same way insha'Allaah.

[bewildred]

I read in some previous threads that a woman should in no way talk to her future to be hubby. Man, if I followed this advice I would have never seen the look on my husband when I asked him all those funny Q's. If he didn't get my dry humor, I'd never give it a try. Pffffffeeeeewwwww, he did :statisfie

[Musaafirah]

^^ Really?? I thought it was just a cultural thing where people don't like the idea of the girl talking when they have a meeting.

[Pomak]

Yes, the type of love is very different. But I think she meant it like, how soft he is towards women. I've noticed that men that are very kind and understanding with their female relatives, are usually that way with their wives too. For example, my sister-in-law told me how her brother (and my husband) was always very kind, thoughtful and understanding with her, and she gave me examples. And I found that after I got married, he acted in much the same with me. It may not apply to everyone, though.

Definitely not foolproof. (eg. plenty of cave dwellers who were nice to their mums)

Anyways, what happens if the bloke doesn't get along with his mum but gets along with his sister? :P

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Yes, the type of love is very different. But I think she meant it like, how soft he is towards women. I've noticed that men that are very kind and understanding with their female relatives, are usually that way with their wives too. For example, my sister-in-law told me how her brother (and my husband) was always very kind, thoughtful and understanding with her, and she gave me examples. And I found that after I got married, he acted in much the same with me. It may not apply to everyone, though.

i agree, but only to an extent :p
i agree with the bit where if he knows how to treat his mum/sisters, then he'll know how to treat his wife...but also I've noticed that some men that are like that, also expect their wives to love their mothers and sisters as much as their own, and his family are her family,etc and basically she barely hears and sees of her family :rollseyes
i know someone who was married to someone like that lol, alhamdulillah it ended where it did :skeleton:

[Banu_Hashim]

I've noticed that men that are very kind and understanding with their female relatives

Welll... I think my sisters would beg to differ on that. :p

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

Definitely not foolproof. (eg. plenty of cave dwellers who were nice to their mums)

Anyways, what happens if the bloke doesn't get along with his mum but gets along with his sister? :P

I'm not familiar with the phrase cave dweller, but like I said... it may not apply to everyone.

The relationship between siblings and parents is different, but what do you mean 'not get along'? Does he disrespect his mother? If he does, then there really isn't any point in marrying such a person. If that's how he treats the woman whom he is bound to respect and treat kindly, even if she disbelieves in Allaah, then what can be said of how he will treat his wife? I couldn't respect such a person.

i agree, but only to an extent :p
i agree with the bit where if he knows how to treat his mum/sisters, then he'll know how to treat his wife...but also I've noticed that some men that are like that, also expect their wives to love their mothers and sisters as much as their own, and his family are her family,etc and basically she barely hears and sees of her family :rollseyes
i know someone who was married to someone like that lol, alhamdulillah it ended where it did :skeleton:

Hmmm, would he like his own sister to be prevented from being able to see their parents, siblings etc.? Some men may be like that (as I said, my example probably doesn't apply to everyone, it's just something I've witnessed around me), but from my own experience, it's the opposite. i.e., they are very hospitable with their in-laws too. Like you said, one of the hardest things for a sister is to leave her family. It would be pretty cruel to then prevent her from being able to see them whilst knowing this.

I don't know what you mean by loving his family, as no one can really love your mother the way you do, and it's a bit unfair to expect that, but she should treat her in-laws with as much respect as she'd treat her own, imho. Although, that's easy for me to say, as I've never had any trouble with my in-laws, but some people have serious problems with their in-laws. So I'm talking from a limited view point here.

Welll... I think my sisters would beg to differ on that. :p

Why?



All in all, what I was trying to say was, looking at a man's relationship with his female relatives usually provides an insight to his character towards women. For example, my brother always used to help around the house when he could, so I think he'd be able to help his wife quite a lot as he has experience with this.

Whereas with one of my friends, her husband grew up in an environment where his mother did everything for him, and he was taught that it was a shame for the men to lift a finger to help around with anything, or do anything for themselves. She feels that was a major part to play in their marriage breaking down, as he had a pretty primitive view of women, and wasn't afraid to express it.

Whilst its really sweet and loving for a mother to express how much she cares for her sons, she should also teach them how to care for their wives, and be loving towards them. I know I'd want my own sons to be caring and thoughtful husbands, and not tyrants.

[Banu_Hashim]

Why?

Probably because I constantly annoy them (and Vice Versa)... But you make a good point with everything else.

[Green eyes]

:sl:

Brothers and Sisters in Islam,

Seeing that there are quite a few marriage threads around, i'll add one...

What questions would you ask a potential partner?

This question has been on my mind for a while, and i know that it will depend on the persons but, on the whole which are questions that will help you get a better understanding of the person and his/her likes or dislikes?

i want to ask religion based question i dont care about minor daily life habits Allah has choosen him for me so i am happy with that but i do care about his source of income it should be Halal and how much charity he gives
i won't ask any thing i am deadly nervous :embarrass

[crayon]

I would ask him what comes first and foremost in his life.
There's only one correct answer.

[Grofica]

wow hafsah has tons of questions...

how about:


How do you define love?

Do you love me?

What do your parents think about me?

Will you talk to me at night before we sleep?

Do you like to be affectionate? (hugs and squishys... inside of course)
Do you know when my birthday is?

Do you believe in helping with the house work (occasionally) like surpise me by washing the coffee pot or something.

What do you want in life?

What kind of furniture do you like? (if you cant aggree on furnature (or the small stuff) you will have problems later)

Do you know what colour my eyes are (shows if he really pays attention to you)

Will you support me in a career i choose or a project i want to undertake?

[idk]

1.Do you pray? Daily? Five Times?

2.What do you do on Friday nights?

3. Do you believe in true love?

4. Do you go to the gym?

5. Will you ever ever ever look at any female? EVERRRR (roars)

6. Will u support every single decision i make?

7. Wil u eat anything cook no matter how horrible it looks or taste?

8. Will you love me even when im old FULL STOP.

9. Will u let me go out with my muslim girlfriends (cafes, shopping, etc)

10. Will u let me work?

11. DO U DRINK?!!! U BETTER NOT!

12. Will you be the romeo to my juliet?

13. WITHOUT THE PART WHERE THEY DIE.

14. Will u comfort me when i cry?

15. Will u always apologize?

16. Be romantic?

17. Most of the time?

18. Buy me skittles?

19. Tell me i look beautiful even if im anything but that.

20. Hold me when im upset, hear me out before u shout, sweep me off my feet, love me unconditionally?


How u done...


less than 10% - dude go home u aint got a chance.

10%- NO.

20% - Maybe..............NOT.

30% - i mightve said yes - last century

50% + - yeah...depends which ones u said yes + no to.



of course, 100% would just rock...

but nobodys perfect.


Or maybe he could just act like those things n really he aint...


:skeleton:

[Banu_Hashim]

Do you like to be affectionate? (hugs and squishys... inside of course)

lol... what's a squishy ? Sounds like a de-stressing thing :p

Do you know what colour my eyes are (shows if he really pays attention to you)

Yeah but even if he wasn't for some reason paying attention to you, he could just look you in the eyes and tell you...:confused:

[idk]

Sounds cute lol. Like that thing from nemo.

Awwwwwwwww.

[~Raynn~]

^^ Lol, exactly what I was thinking!! :giggling:

[Ar-RaYYan]

I would ask him what comes first and foremost in his life.
There's only one correct answer.

I like that question!

7. Wil u eat anything cook no matter how horrible it looks or taste?

and this one :D

[nebula]

if you could be an animal which one would you be and why?

are you good with dishes? coz you'll be getting tons of them... :thumbs_up joke :D lol

[convert]

1. You do realize I'm a convert, right?
2. You do realize I'm a convert, right?
3. You do realize I'm a convert, right?
4. You realize that I'm one of two muslims in my family, right?
(Seriously, I got almost to a nikah before a sister pulled out because she didn't think she could handle it)

5. I want to go study deen abroad, how would you feel about that?
6. Explain what you see family life being like.
7. (If she wants to work) How will this affect the home? What would your priorities be?
8. How often do you go shopping? (Materialistic women need not apply)
9. What do you see your wedding like? (Cultural /extravagant weddings are an immediate NO!)

[Intisar]

:sl: Y'all realise in laws are scarier than the actual person you'd possibly marry? :skeleton: :X

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
How would you deal with an angry/moody wife? How do you deal with a wife you who talks back at you? Eg in a fight, etc. what if she s in the right?

do you follow a mathhab? if so how strict?

what are your goals/purposes in a marriage

How do you think a conflict betwen your wife should be resolved.

what do you think a girls relationship should be with her family once she is married? How about with her friends?

What do you think the relationship between you and your wife’s family should be namely your mother and father in law.

do you like kids? why/why not? Can you have kids? how do you, as a father-think you should treat your kids. What are your methods of discipline?

whats your social life like? Do you invite friends/family over often and if so, at what times of the day, and would I be accepted to serve them, or would you?

What should your wifes relationship with the opposite gender be, namely your brothers?

what are your spending habits like? Do like randomly buying gifts for people? What about on special occasions?

What are expecting from your wife financially. Do you support the idea of a working wife. Why/why not?

Do you have friends or know people of the opposite sex? What is ur relationship with them now? what do you think your relationship be with the opposite gender be?

define beauty and attraction. do you think its important for a woman to look good for her husband, how much effort should she put in to look nice? what about the other way around?

how long does it take you to groom yourself?


right at the end (when we both agreed to marry, id ask):
How do you think our wedding should be? Music? segregation?

[Grofica]

he he he he he

squishy is what i call it... its like when you give a huge hug to your spouse and its almost too much hug... like you feel you will be squished like a bug.... :-)

[Banu_Hashim]

Sounds cute lol. Like that thing from nemo.

Awwwwwwwww.

Yeeeeahh... that's what it reminded me of... I just couldn't put my finger on it...

[Cabdullahi]

:sl:
How would you deal with an angry/moody wife? How do you deal with a wife you who talks back at you? Eg in a fight, etc. what if she s in the right?

Easy question... there isnt any other moment where you should show abit of romance except when there is an argument.....spontaneity is key! my friends :D

[- IqRa -]

SubhanAllah

Too many questions :muddlehea

[Nihila]

Probably a billion and one questions!

[Banu_Hashim]

I can see so many questions, but I personally can see my mind going completely blank when the time comes.

[Beardo]

isnt it obvious....

will you marry me :p

obviously! It doesn't take 36 pages to figure it out. Couldnt have said it anybetter, Chacha!

[Ansariyah]

how long does it take you to groom yourself?

are u making sur that he's no hairy ape? lol *runs*

[liya]

at the moment i cant think of anything really!! but am sure i will ask many questions but isa not to many lol

[Najm]

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

1 Whats your fav food?
2 Whats your fav shopping item?
3 Whats your fav holiday destination?

FiAmaaniAllah

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Easy question... there isnt any other moment where you should show abit of romance except when there is an argument.....spontaneity is key! my friends :D

what if she is a woman who doesn't let her emotions sway her...

[CosmicPathos]

wow hafsah has tons of questions...

how about:


How do you define love?

Do you love me?

What do your parents think about me?

Will you talk to me at night before we sleep?

Do you like to be affectionate? (hugs and squishys... inside of course)
Do you know when my birthday is?

Do you believe in helping with the house work (occasionally) like surpise me by washing the coffee pot or something.

What do you want in life?

What kind of furniture do you like? (if you cant aggree on furnature (or the small stuff) you will have problems later)

Do you know what colour my eyes are (shows if he really pays attention to you)

Will you support me in a career i choose or a project i want to undertake?

how can he know that he loves you before marriage? How can he know what colors your eyes have while he has seen you once only and that in the presence of a wali?

Most of the questions here seem very shallow (no offense). For example one person asked "what are your views about polygamy, will you marry more than one?" and then "do you follow Islam more or culture more?" It seemed that person does not want the husband (potential) to marry more than one wife but at the same time wants that husband to be more Islamic than cultural? If that is the case, and the husband NEEDS to marry more than one wife (lets say libido is up the roof), then would this person not let him marry more than one? isnt then she being a hurdle in his fulfilling his Islamic needs?

[CosmicPathos]

him*. Where's the edit button? argg/

[CosmicPathos]

Oh, I can think of a question or two... Or several thousand.
I'll edit some into this post as I think of them.

-How many times a day does he pray at the masjid? valid. At the same time he then has the right to ask how much does she pray.
-How much quran does he know, is he willing to learn more? He also has the right to ask how much Quran does she know.
-How important is travel to him? hmm
-What role does he expect the woman to have in running a household? And the man? He should expect a similar role woman should have that the Umm ul Momineen had.
-What does he think of my photography? (not whether he likes it or not, but how supportive he will be if i want to pursue a hobby/career in it) IN general, photography of humans is prohibited. If he denies you based on that, he has a valid point. and probably not a good match and shows his piety and religiosity.
-Does he have a temper? valid.
-Where does he want to live, and for how long? Valid i guess
-Goals in life? What goals would you expect? Win a Nobel Prize in medicine or exceed in Ibadah?
-When he makes a mistake, does he apologize?
-Does he smoke? (if yes, it's a definite no, unless he quits)
-Does he ever consider having more than one wife? If he needs it then what?
-I'll ask random subtle questions to try to figure out what comes first for him, culture or islam. Interesting. sort of relates to your previous question. If you find his liking of polygamy wrong (even though he does not want to get married more than once), then you are being cultural and NOT Islamic.
-Describe the person he wants to marry.
-Are the Jews behind everything bad that happens in the muslim/arab world? Maybe. Maybe not. If he says no and you accept it, it means you are taking a leap of faith in believing that everything bad in Arab world is not due to Zionist Jews. Who knows.
-Are the Americans behind everything bad that happens in the muslim/arab world? Most of the time it is true. Isnt it so? What is more "bad?" A murder of an innocent child by an American bomb or some other crime that a Muslim commits? A sinner Muslim is more dear to a believer than a lovey-dovey kaafir.


add more later..

Just for some fun.

[GuestFellow]

him*. Where's the edit button? argg/

Salaam.

You need to reach 50 posts until you can use the edit button. -_-

On the topic:

I wouldn't know what to ask.

[h.shillingford]

After all the essential Deen questions about Salat, manners, alcohol and other matters, I would ask:

What is his view on women and careers? I'm not ready to go through five years of medical school just to be told I should stay home or become a primary school teacher. I'd rather be single.

Would he ever think of getting a second wife? If the answer is yes or even resembles a 'maybe' then again, I'd rather be single.

Is he interested in charity?

I would also explain that I'm not keen on the idea of having a baby a year, as I have many other goals in life, like looking after orphans, writing and excelling in my career. Would this be okay with him?


Probably not. LOL.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
i'll ask: what is your opinion on sheikhs ibn abdul wahhaab and al-albaani (rahimahumullah)

[Banu_Hashim]

:sl:
i'll ask: what is your opinion on sheikhs ibn abdul wahhaab and al-albaani (rahimahumullah)

Hmm... interesting. But, what exactly is the relevance of that to the compatibility of two future spouses? :hmm:

[ژاله]

^ to see if their madhabs are compatible or not.

[Banu_Hashim]

^OK. But what if they don't strictly follow a particular madhab and just to do the best they can? Should an issue on madhab be a priority in selecting your life-long partner?

[ژاله]

^imo, theres no need to have a particular madhab as your priority for selecting spouse. but 3aqaid are far more important. they should definitely be a priority lest you end up marrying someone who thinks its ok to kneel before graves lol.

[Salahudeen]

^or dance in the masjid lol

[ژاله]

^huh? i dont think there exists a school of thought who approves of dancing in a masjid.
:confused:

[Salahudeen]

^ your right there isn't, just like none of the four schools approove of bowing to graves, here's an example of what I mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBsMy...eature=related

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

Hmm... interesting. But, what exactly is the relevance of that to the compatibility of two future spouses? :hmm:

becuase you either love those 2 men, or you don't...there's simply no in between...and if he don't love 'em it means we're are on completely two different waves as some view their teachings to be quite controversial. both shaikhs have had some serious allegations and misconceptions surrounding them and based on that (from what i've personally noticed) you're either with them or not...and if he's not as i said it'll mean we are on two different wave lengths...

[ژاله]

^(in response to squiggles post btw.) edit
yes you're right none of the four schools approve of bowing to graves, but their are people who follow the corrupted versions of their doctrines, claiming that they are strict followers of school so and so. one has to be aware of them. anyway too much offtopic. sorry mods. i am sure its going to be deleted anyway though :P

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:
i'll ask: what is your opinion on sheikhs ibn abdul wahhaab and al-albaani (rahimahumullah)

becuase you either love those 2 men, or you don't...there's simply no in between...and if he don't love 'em it means we're are on completely two different waves as some view their teachings to be quite controversial. both shaikhs have had some serious allegations and misconceptions surrounding them and based on that (from what i've personally noticed) you're either with them or not...and if he's not as i said it'll mean we are on two different wave lengths...

:w:

As much as I respect both of them, I have to point out that Allaah has not made them a criterion in the imaan of anyone for us to judge others based on what they think of them - this right is reserved for the Messenger (saw) first and then his Companions. I mean, I guess you can ask a guy what he thinks of them, but if he disagrees with something they said or some opinion (or even opinions) they held, it doesn't necessarily amount to you two being 'on two different wave lengths' (i.e. as long as he's not into making dua' to other than Allaah or decked out in innovations, you two are on 'the same wave length'). I think what is more important is that a person is open to understanding and if he disagrees with them, he does so unemotionally and with knowledge - that displays maturity which is ultimately more important than a simplistic understanding of the religion.

[Banu_Hashim]

^imo, theres no need to have a particular madhab as your priority for selecting spouse. but 3aqaid are far more important. they should definitely be a priority lest you end up marrying someone who thinks its ok to kneel before graves lol.

of course. People who worship graves aren't Muslim. The basic aqeedah must be there. ^ And I agree with Maalik.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

:w:
As much as I respect both of them, I have to point out that Allaah has not made them a criterion in the imaan of anyone for us to judge others based on what they think of them - this right is reserved for the Messenger (saw) first and then his Companions.

of course, but you cant deny that some people loathe ibn abdul wahhaab for certain rulings he made regarding calling the dead, etc. so in that respect that's what i'll be judging a potential on, not directly for liking/disliking the imams themselves...get me?

I mean, I guess you can ask a guy what he thinks of them, but if he disagrees with something they said or some opinion (or even opinions) they held, it doesn't necessarily amount to you two being 'on two different wave lengths' (i.e. as long as he's not into making dua' to other than Allaah or decked out in innovations, you two are on 'the same wave length').

of course....i meant if he is staunch against either of them because i do personally believe it does reflect on a persons i guess views on certain issues (which might be conflicting with mine)...as i said they loathe ibn abdul wahhab for the aforementioned, and they loathe al-albaani...well im not too sure why tbh :embarrass, but i have seen some nasty and baseless allegations against him imsad but this bit you mentioned is okay as you'll have a lot of imams disagreeing on a lot of issues...

but if he disagrees with something they said or some opinion (or even opinions) they held, it doesn't necessarily amount to you two being 'on two different wave lengths'

those little "minor issues" wouldn't be a problem, inshallah...not unless he blatantly insults them or something which in that case, he may just get slapped :hiding:

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:

of course, but you cant deny that some people loathe ibn abdul wahhaab for certain rulings he made regarding calling the dead, etc. so in that respect that's what i'll be judging a potential on, not directly for liking/disliking the imams themselves...get me?

:w:

Then why not ask about the actual issue itself? Some people will be completely pure in their Tawheed but will still dislike the Imaam because of misinformation or some other reason..not everyone is informed to the same level. It's always better to address the issue directly rather then 'test' people about what they think of personality x or personality y. Just my two cents.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:

Just found a super-relevant article that goes hand in hand with the theme of this thread:

http://muslimmatters.org/2009/05/11/...y-first-words/

Read it folks!

[Al Mu'minaat]

:sl:

Brothers and Sisters in Islam,

Seeing that there are quite a few marriage threads around, i'll add one...

What questions would you ask a potential partner?

This question has been on my mind for a while, and i know that it will depend on the persons but, on the whole which are questions that will help you get a better understanding of the person and his/her likes or dislikes?

Aslamalkium wa rahmatulah wa barakatu..

To be honest, i might ask whether or not the person is religous...

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
^lol i wouldn't approach it so directly...background checks my innocent sis :p :D

[S_87]

Aslamalkium wa rahmatulah wa barakatu..

To be honest, i might ask whether or not the person is religous...

and what would the right answr be? :D
yes or no?

[Cabdullahi]

how would it feel wearing the white wedding dress knowing it'll match the fridge,cooker and washing mashing?

and isnt that a strong implication that you'll be a big player in the tiled playground?

[Rasema]

:sl:
If he had the potential to:
Go to Jihad.
To build a mesjid.

After he goes to jihad it would be a good idea to tell him to marry another wife so she helps me out and I help her out.
etc...

And, to do it for Allah not me. He he he
:wa:

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam...

:sl:
If he had the potential to:
Go to Jihad.
To build a mesjid.

After he goes to jihad it would be a good idea to tell him to marry another wife so she helps me out and I help her out.
etc...

And, to do it for Allah not me. He he he
:wa:

do you think it would be justified to reject someone if they didnt want to go to jihad? i mean is it a fair thing to reject someone for, even if they had every other box ticked :)

[S_87]

:sl:


After he goes to jihad it would be a good idea to tell him to marry another wife so she helps me out and I help her out.
etc...

:wa:

i dont get that. After he goes to jihad he marries another woman (i take it youll be in different countries to him)to help you? :omg:

[Rasema]

i dont get that. After he goes to jihad he marries another woman (i take it youll be in different countries to him)to help you? :omg:

:sl:
HA! Before. Well, this is what I call a Muslim family.It is what I desire. I'm sick of non-practicing people oround me.

Last post on this thread.
:wa:

[Cabdullahi]

^ fight fight fight fight fight

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

i dont get that. After he goes to jihad he marries another woman (i take it youll be in different countries to him)to help you? :omg:

i think what she means is that he marries another woman so that when he goes, they (the 2 women) are left behind to help one another...

[Musaafirah]

:sl:
HA! Before. Well, this is what I call a Muslim family.It is what I desire. I'm sick of non-practicing people oround me.

Last post on this thread.
:wa:

How can you say she's non practicing on the basis of her questioning why you'd want a co-wife?

But would you actually ask those questions to a potential?
They seem a bit...forward.

[Rasema]

:sl:

How can you say she's non practicing on the basis of her questioning why you'd want a co-wife?

I said "oround me" refearing to my household.Please do not question my desires:)
This is what would make me feel like a complete Muslim.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

:w:

Then why not ask about the actual issue itself? Some people will be completely pure in their Tawheed but will still dislike the Imaam because of misinformation or some other reason..not everyone is informed to the same level. It's always better to address the issue directly rather then 'test' people about what they think of personality x or personality y. Just my two cents.

other than the misinformation, why would someone dislike the imam other than for what he teaches? i've met two types of people concerning their hate/dislike for these imams and its either becuase they dont like their teachings, or they are ignorant/follow misinformation.
it really would worry me, as i feel it shows his beliefs/creed. the al-albaani issue i guess could be overlooked as the imam, rahimahullah dealt more with fiqhi issues then aqeedah issue... but the Ibn abdul wahhab one, i highly doubt, as i strongly believe that what he taught in matters of aqeedah are on what the anbiyya2 came with.


on topic, id ask if he knows how to fight and also if he's made, or is willing to make anything out of wood :embarrass

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:

other than the misinformation, why would someone dislike the imam other than for what he teaches? i've met two types of people concerning their hate/dislike for these imams and its either becuase they dont like their teachings, or they are ignorant/follow misinformation.
it really would worry me, as i feel it shows his beliefs/creed. the al-albaani issue i guess could be overlooked as the imam, rahimahullah dealt more with fiqhi issues then aqeedah issue... but the Ibn abdul wahhab one, i highly doubt, as i strongly believe that what he taught in matters of aqeedah are on what the anbiyya2 came with.


on topic, id ask if he knows how to fight and also if he's made, or is willing to make anything out of wood :embarrass

:w:

I think you're over complicating things. If you want to ask, go ahead. My point was simply that it's not a religious criterion that should automatically give someone the stamp of approval or automatic dismissal.

[OurIslamic]

If I was you, I would simply ask what I am curious about (as long as it is appropriate).

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

:w:

I think you're over complicating things.
If you want to ask, go ahead.

Will do. I wasn't asking anyones approval...:$

My point was simply that it's not a religious criterion that should automatically give someone the stamp of approval or automatic dismissal.

I got it... Really. I was just thinking out aloud and was genuinley wondering why else people wouldn't follow/like those imams besides the other 2 reasons you aforementioned.

[Re.TiReD]

http://www.islamicboard.com/misc.php...ed&t=134275141 :D

[Caller الداعي]

i would ask if she would mind a second wife!!

[S_87]

:sl:
HA! Before. Well, this is what I call a Muslim family.It is what I desire. I'm sick of non-practicing people oround me.

Last post on this thread.
:wa:

ok. i understood you meant that he'd marry just before he left or something which would-well itd be hard to find a woman marrying a man and living with his wife iykwim

caller- you may ask that but dont base a definite answer on it. its a touchy subject and even if a female says shes ok with it, when jealousy comes in after marriage, she may just change her mind.

how would it feel wearing the white wedding dress knowing it'll match the fridge,cooker and washing mashing?

its silver all the way these days.

[Ansariyah]

i would ask if she would mind a second wife!!

Thats jst off'puttin to the max, seriously?
ur supposedly talking to a potential spouse n all u have on ur mind is 'if she would mind a co-wife'?

2each their own....

[Caller الداعي]

well sis i knw it sounds harsh but many marriages ive seen have broken down because the wife is not willing for the husband to get married a second time and if the wife is truly looking for a pious husband for the right intentions regarding marriage then its best its cleared up ! thats my view may others wont agree
plus i think marriage is not about catching a spouse with a false appearance . everything should be set straight before hand esp when living in the west!

[Cabdullahi]

http://www.islamicboard.com/misc.php...ed&t=134275141 :D

I made it into the top 10...i cant believe it :cry: alhamulilah im happy :)

[Abdul Qadir]

honestly ........ I will ask the following in the same order:

1. how many times you pray in masjid?
2. do you like to fast nafl?
3. what is your family to you (parents & sibling)?
4. what is the most thing made u upset?
5. what do you expect from me?
6. what do you think I expect from you?
5. what is your perspective of the other religions
*since I have the interest on the other religions*
7. how much time during the day you like to use computer
*supposing by default that he will be a computer Geek as me :-[*
8. what are the cultures that you like to know more?
*have the interest as well*

and thats all.........feel pity for him :-[



Edit: OMG Amat al Wadud ;D you will need a week to get answers to all those questions ;D

Subahanallah,

As a woman, your concern should only be about his religion and his character..if a lady is telling me about her interest in other religions, i wouldn't even think twice. such ppl has such weak understanding about islam. is this how an islamic woman behave? imagine a woman asking Muhammad SAW this qn...

peace...

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

i would ask if she would mind a second wife!!

you should marry a divorced/widow then? i find that they are the ones who usually dont mind a polygamous marriage and/or are expecting co-wives...



EDIT: i dont know if i've posted this before, but it would be worth asking, "what does it mean to you to be a father"...and "how often do you voluntarily fast?"

[Caller الداعي]

oh so only divorced women are ok with second marriages gulp so i gota get 4 divorced then !! lol
to be a father means to take responsiblity of the childs welfare and upbringing and to fulfill the rights he has over me plus having mercy on him.
and fasting nafl well 6 shawal, aashoora, arafat, and rarely 13,14,15

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

to be a father means to take responsiblity of the childs welfare and upbringing and to fulfill the rights he has over me plus having mercy on him.
and fasting nafl well 6 shawal, aashoora, arafat, and rarely 13,14,15

i wasn't aiming those questions at you...i just posted them in light of the thread topic...

[Caller الداعي]

lol no worries

[Caller الداعي]

id ask is she prepared to have loads of kids

[HIJABI***]

SubhanAllah this is very interesting to read :-)

[cat eyes]

well sis i knw it sounds harsh but many marriages ive seen have broken down because the wife is not willing for the husband to get married a second time and if the wife is truly looking for a pious husband for the right intentions regarding marriage then its best its cleared up ! thats my view may others wont agree
plus i think marriage is not about catching a spouse with a false appearance . everything should be set straight before hand esp when living in the west!

ya it dose break down but that is not the womans fault its her right to seek a divorce from her husband if she believes the reason for him wanting to marry another woman is simply because she feels that he might not be able to do justice with her and her children. many times in polygamy marriages when both women have children from the same man usual the children do not get on at all ive heard one such story the other day one family is having an awful problem there is a big backbiting problem going on between the both children of both the women. i think seriously people have to think twice if they want to do polygamy i find that it certainly do work though if you marry a widow as a second wife

[Danah]

Subahanallah,

As a woman, your concern should only be about his religion and his character..if a lady is telling me about her interest in other religions, i wouldn't even think twice. such ppl has such weak understanding about islam. is this how an islamic woman behave? imagine a woman asking Muhammad SAW this qn...

peace...

And who said that religion is not at my first priority? you jumped to the end and picked the comparative religions issue skipping all other things!! subhanAllah

Maybe I should update my qualifications list and add to it the following, since there are so many things changed in my life from the last year when I posted here last time:

1. how many juzz of Quran you memorized?
2. Are you planning to be a hafidh? and in how many months/years?

As for why I am interesting in knowing about other religions its like some people interested in studying other type of sciences, I like to know about others' faith. I dunno about you "and don't even care of how many times you will think about it" but for me, everyday I know something new about other ways of life, I keep thanking Allah many times a day that he blessed me with Islam and with being guided in such a pure, clear, obvious way of life.

If you want to know how white really looks like, you gotta know how does black looks like so you may compare.

Above all that, how you are supposing to give Dawah if you don't know what others believe in??

[Abdul Qadir]

If you want to know how white really looks like, you gotta know how does black looks like so you may compare.

You are not supposed to dabble in other religions lest we might find ourselves entangled in it...the Quran has already mentioned enuff of the Jews and Christians already...thats enuff for dawah...if u wana use the bible to argue with the christian my sister, the arguement will go on forever...

[Danah]

You are not supposed to dabble in other religions lest we might find ourselves entangled in it...the Quran has already mentioned enuff of the Jews and Christians already...thats enuff for dawah...if u wana use the bible to argue with the christian my sister, the arguement will go on forever...

I think there is a difference between debating and mere asking questions, and in both cases that's up to me at the end.
Anyways thanks for your opinion and sorry for the late reply.

[Abdul Qadir]

I think there is a difference between debating and mere asking questions, and in both cases that's up to me at the end.
Anyways thanks for your opinion and sorry for the late reply.

Well, ok...whatever u do...its ur freedom..but the sunnah of Muhammad and his companions is not to read bibles and debate with christians...Salam...

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Subahanallah,

As a woman, your concern should only be about his religion and his character..if a lady is telling me about her interest in other religions, i wouldn't even think twice. such ppl has such weak understanding about islam. is this how an islamic woman behave? imagine a woman asking Muhammad SAW this qn...

peace...

i dont think she was asking your approval to begin with...do you think its any of your business what sisters want in a husband...? ridiculous.

[Abdul Qadir]

i dont think she was asking your approval to begin with...do you think its any of your business what sisters want in a husband...? ridiculous.

your very contradicting...u just mentioned the word sister...so as a brother, its my concern too....peace..

[Ar-RaYYan]

Well, ok...whatever u do...its ur freedom..but the sunnah of Muhammad and his companions is not to read bibles and debate with christians...Salam...

I would like to see an evidence of that please.

If we are 'not allowed' to read bibles or debate with christians or people with other faiths or no faiths how do you suppose we give them a Dawah?. Dawah is not one way where we inform people what Islam says about this and about that and thats it.We should interact with them and let them talk about their beliefs and views so we could inform them about whats not correct and why. We should have sufficient knowledge about other religions to give better dawah. For some people saying that Jesus is not son of God because the Qur'an say so is not enough i'm afraid and they would want evidence from their own text.
If debating with christians are not allowed why do you think major sheikhs from past and present are doing it? Are they committing sins?
and do you think Islamicboard are committing sins by allowing to have a section of comparative Religion where we are allowed to debate with people of other faiths?
Last but not least i do not believe people who have more knowledge or acquiring knowledge about other religions have a weak understanding of Islam. Sheikh Ahmed Deedat (rahimullah) and sheikh Zakir Naik who both memorised thousands of verses from the Old and New testaments happens to be one of the most knowledgeable sheikhs of our deen.

[Abdul Qadir]

I would like to see an evidence of that please.

Sis, I am sure u know what is Sunnah. What evidence do i need to show u that the prohpet and his companions did not read the bible? in fact, when Umar(RA) was holding on the a Torah, Muhammad SAW reacted angrily and said even if Musa(Moses) alaihisalam was present he has got no choice but to follow the messenger SAW. what u mean u want evidence?

[Abdul Qadir]

I would like to see an evidence of that please.
Sheikh Ahmed Deedat (rahimullah) and sheikh Zakir Naik who both memorised thousands of verses from the Old and New testaments happens to be one of the most knowledgeable sheikhs of our deen.

Both these men are good with their words but aren't the best of examples. i can show you y but that would be like arguing with you. lets stop it here. Salam..

[Re.TiReD]

Don't turn this into a debate thread please :ermm:

Answer the question and remain on-topic

[Cabdullahi]

fight.....fight.....fight....fight....fight!

[Danah]

Don't turn this into a debate thread please :ermm:

Answer the question and remain on-topic

good that someone came and said that at last!!

brother Abdul Qadir, if you think of something as right you don't have to convince the others of what you see as right. If you think that "I" should not care about others beliefs then I wonder why you yourself are still posting in the comparative religions section :?

[Ar-RaYYan]

Sis, I am sure u know what is Sunnah. What evidence do i need to show u that the prohpet and his companions did not read the bible? in fact, when Umar(RA) was holding on the a Torah, Muhammad SAW reacted angrily and said even if Musa(Moses) alaihisalam was present he has got no choice but to follow the messenger SAW. what u mean u want evidence?

Yes you are right i do know what sunnah is but that is not what i asked.
Since you said we are not allowed to debate with christians i would like to see an evidence from an authentic hadith stating that. You do realise that we cant say something is haraam or not allowed until we know there is an authentic evidence dont you?

Both these men are good with their words but aren't the best of examples. i can show you y but that would be like arguing with you. lets stop it here. Salam..

They might not be the best examples but they are one of the best examples of sheikhs having great knowleges of the two major religions in the world. and hopefully i could maybe expect a written answers of my questions in your next post?

[bewildred]

Well, I'd ask my potential partner: "What was your reaction to the elimination of your national team from the World Cup????" If his answer would have been: "I'll burn the winners' flag and try to burn their embassy" My answer would be definitely.....a big NO!!!!

By the way, this year's Eid is one of my happiest ;D ;D

[Asiyah3]

your very contradicting...u just mentioned the word sister...so as a brother, its my concern too....peace..

I would find out /ask about:

1. Religious commitement. no drinkers, smokers, players, musicfans, no one who appreciates his culture/traditions more that the religion<_<
He should at least do the obligatory things (prayer fast etc.) and also be knowledgable (know at least about some hadiths)

2. I'd first find out if he's from my relatives. If yes- then bye bye
( reasons: -I don't fan/like our little town's citizens or they're life-values)

3. He's appearance -A bearable appearance yes

3. Attitude- About his attitude, he should have humbleness, not arrogance and ungratefulness to Allah (SWT) (or his mom/dad etc)

4. Occupation & money. I hope he'd have an education. About his money I'm not asking for a millionaire :D but reasonably yes.
But if he is religiously committed and I am pleased with the other facts, I wouldn't care about money and trust Allah and obey His messenger(SAAS) regards to this kinda proposal, Insha'lLah

5. Future plans if there are some special (just out of curiosity)


And the most important I would ask on our date:

"Could you imagine yourself one day putting a surprise-dinner for me +candles, roses etc :statisfie"
[aww...<3<3<3]

If he begins to get suprise, that means he knows NONE about romancy
:X

Just kidding :p

[Asiyah3]

Well, I'd ask my potential partner: "What was your reaction to the elimination of your national team from the World Cup????" If his answer would have been: "I'll burn the winners' flag and try to burn their embassy" My answer would be definitely.....a big NO!!!!

By the way, this year's Eid is one of my happiest ;D ;D

I feel the same :statisfie Al-hamdulilLah wa SubhanalLah

[Cabdullahi]

This is not a question rather a wish if you like , that Praying Fajr with the wife in a mini sweet congregation in the cold will be very beautiful

[جوري]

This is not a question rather a wish if you like , that Praying Fajr with the wife in a mini sweet congregation in the cold will be very beautiful

People pretend a whole lotta things when they're courting you no?
I say hire a PI to cross reference their tales..

[CosmicPathos]

may I?

I'll ask may I borrow some money from you? based on her reaction, I'd know if she is wife material or not.
:statisfie

[Musaafirah]

One thing I've seen with friends.. (This is in my culture by the way, not necessarily everyone in this culture either), but the potential groom and bride don't even speak to each other at the meeting. The wedding is then fixed. This confuzzles me immensely, as I can't shut up, so probably won't be able to keep quiet myself.
I don't see the point of meeting if you're just gonna look down anyway. Pah.

[GuestFellow]

:sl:

I remember I was told to get ready and look smart. I was not interested in getting married but my family kept pestering me.

I came into the living room and sat down. I saw my potential wife. She was sitting next to her dad. I was asked questions like what kind of work I do.

After her dad left the room, we were alone. To break the awkward silence, I asked her what she was studying. She said she was studying Psychology. Then there was awkward silence. Again to break the awkward silence, I said whether she wanted to watch TV. She said she was alright. I decided to put the television on and...we watched the news. Her dad came back with his family and I met the rest of them. My cousin sister turned the TV off and made this face... ^o) Yeah
Everyone was talking whilst I was sitting there...bored out of my mind.

Then afterwards, I heard she broke down in tears when she came back home. :skeleton: Apparently she thought I didn't like her or something and that I wasn't interested or not taking it seriously.

Weird.

[CosmicPathos]

^ lol. you need to learn how to talk to women. :p

[CosmicPathos]

One thing I've seen with friends.. (This is in my culture by the way, not necessarily everyone in this culture either), but the potential groom and bride don't even speak to each other at the meeting. The wedding is then fixed. This confuzzles me immensely, as I can't shut up, so probably won't be able to keep quiet myself.
I don't see the point of meeting if you're just gonna look down anyway. Pah.

different strokes for different blokes. i guess not every culture can have same traditions.

[GuestFellow]

^ lol. you need to learn how to talk to women. :p

:sl:

I didn't really notice it but my family said she was holding back tears until she got home. :/ My cousin sister was really angry because she was the one who arranged everything lol. :/

[Huzzy_786]

It really depends on the person who is asking, since we are all different in all aspects, so some questions which I may want answer to, you may not be interested in knowing the answer to :) If that makes sense.

[GuestFellow]

^ I think behaviour is more important than questions. :/

[IbnAbdulHakim]

:sl:

I remember I was told to get ready and look smart. I was not interested in getting married but my family kept pestering me.

I came into the living room and sat down. I saw my potential wife. She was sitting next to her dad. I was asked questions like what kind of work I do.

After her dad left the room, we were alone. To break the awkward silence, I asked her what she was studying. She said she was studying Psychology. Then there was awkward silence. Again to break the awkward silence, I said whether she wanted to watch TV. She said she was alright. I decided to put the television on and...we watched the news. Her dad came back with his family and I met the rest of them. My cousin sister turned the TV off and made this face... ^o) Yeah
Everyone was talking whilst I was sitting there...bored out of my mind.

Then afterwards, I heard she broke down in tears when she came back home. :skeleton: Apparently she thought I didn't like her or something and that I wasn't interested or not taking it seriously.

Weird.

why would you turn on the TV during the moment where your potential wife obviously wants to get to know you better during your first ever meeting.


loooool bro seriously

[جوري]

Maybe he was nervous, it's normal.. people do strange things under duress.

[GuestFellow]

:sl:

why would you turn on the TV during the moment where your potential wife obviously wants to get to know you better during your first ever meeting.


loooool bro seriously

It was really hard. I wanted her to relax and I thought watching TV would help.

Maybe he was nervous, it's normal.. people do strange things under duress.

Yeah I was nervous. She is very pretty and I found that intimidating. :skeleton:

The offer is still open for her to accept. She hasn't made up her mind yet.

[جوري]

The offer is still open for her to accept. She hasn't made up her mind yet.

If you're honest about pursuing this marriage then you can makeup her mind for her!

:w:

[~Zaria~]

Is it wrong to 'rule out' potential suitors simply because they dont have a beard?

Ive refused to even meet such guys (much to the disappointment of my family/ friends, etc).

I feel that a beard is the 'hijab' for men......and that if a man is not willing to follow the sunnah of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam), then perhaps we are not on the same page......

Or am I being too harsh? ;/

[جوري]

What if they simply can't grow one? some people aren't naturally hairy!

[~Zaria~]

^ If there was some medical reason for the lack of a beard, I could understand this.

But thus far, this has not been the case..... :/

[جوري]

well people don't usually advertise such things.. I know one very religious person who had numerous problems with his ears and parotid glands and had several botched surgeries unfortunately, his beard simply doesn't grow.. also there are many religious people who don't have beard whatever their reasons maybe.. I also read in a biography of the sahabas that Moath Ibn Jabal didn't have a beard and he was a sahabi (Allah swt knows best about this).. Also if you meet them you can tell them that you've a preference for beards they might consider their position? Sometimes people just need a nudge!


:w:

[CosmicPathos]

^^ just logged in to like this.

I feel that a beard is the 'hijab' for men.

Hijab for men is from navel till knees. As for it being obligatory, yes, major fuqaha agree taht a man should have some sort of beard, a goatie or some thing to denote facial hair.

[جوري]

Jazaka Allah khyran... one should make 70 excuses for a Muslim.. I read that here somewhere :haha: not sure where would love to see it again...I do prefer beards myself but you can't force the issue on people!

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:w:

LOL. I can just imagine this as a scripted comedy. Poor sister :\

:sl:

I remember I was told to get ready and look smart. I was not interested in getting married but my family kept pestering me.

I came into the living room and sat down. I saw my potential wife. She was sitting next to her dad. I was asked questions like what kind of work I do.

After her dad left the room, we were alone. To break the awkward silence, I asked her what she was studying. She said she was studying Psychology. Then there was awkward silence. Again to break the awkward silence, I said whether she wanted to watch TV. She said she was alright. I decided to put the television on and...we watched the news. Her dad came back with his family and I met the rest of them. My cousin sister turned the TV off and made this face... ^o) Yeah
Everyone was talking whilst I was sitting there...bored out of my mind.

Then afterwards, I heard she broke down in tears when she came back home. :skeleton: Apparently she thought I didn't like her or something and that I wasn't interested or not taking it seriously.

Weird.

[جوري]

It is really not a bad idea.. takes the edge off a little no?

[IbnAbdulHakim]

It is really not a bad idea.. takes the edge off a little no?

she went home and cried sis lol

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Is it wrong to 'rule out' potential suitors simply because they dont have a beard?

Ive refused to even meet such guys (much to the disappointment of my family/ friends, etc).

I feel that a beard is the 'hijab' for men......and that if a man is not willing to follow the sunnah of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam), then perhaps we are not on the same page......

Or am I being too harsh? ;/

my sister was the same lol and my whole family supported her.


now shes married to a lion whos soft gentle and caring and strong like a lion when it comes to shariah and islam.

it worked out :D

[جوري]

she went home and cried sis lol

maybe it was an unrelated incident ;)
At any rate- may Allah swt rectify all our affairs.

[Re.TiReD]

SubhanAllah :exhausted

Before I got married Iknew my husbands answer to around only 50 of these questions, a lot of people look at this list and think :skeleton: but in all honesty it's nowhere near enough, at times there are questions you would only think of after having lived with a person, you can't possibly ask everything so if anybody is looking to get married I'd recommend this list and more.

And if you're wondering what more is, ask yourself what the must-have qualities are that you want in a potential spouse and the must-not-have traits and go from there, and those really differ from person to person, e.g. I know of a sister who asked her husband for a divorce because she felt the marriage was decreasing her Imaan...So if you're that kinda person one of your questions should definately be 9 and 10.

Random post but it just came to mind.

Assalamu 'alaykum

1. What is your concept of marriage?
2. Have you been married before?
3. Are you married now?
4. What are you expectations of marriage?
5. What are your goals in life? (long and short term)
6. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.
7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
8. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
9. What is the role of religion in your life now?
10. Are you a spiritual person?
11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
13. What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area?
14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?
15. What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?
16. What is the role of the husband?
17. What is the role of the wife?
18. Do you want to practice polygamy?
19. What is your relationship with your family?
20. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
21. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
22. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?
23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
24. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
25. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)
26. How did you get to know them?
27. Why are they your friends?
28. What do you like most about them?
29. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?
30. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
31. What is the level of your relationship with them now?
32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
34. What are the things that you do in your free time?
35. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?
36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)
38. Do you travel?
39. How do you spend your vacations?
40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
41. Do you read?
42. What do you read?
43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?
46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?
47. Do you like to write your feelings?
48. If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you?
50. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
52. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?
53. Do your friends use foul language?
54. Does your family use foul language?
55. How do you express anger?
56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
57. What do you do when you are angry?
58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?
59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?
60. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?
67. What is you definition of wealth?
68. How do you spend money?
69. How do you save money?
70. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
72. Do you use credit cards?
73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?
74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
75. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?
76. Do you support the idea of a working wife?
77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?
81. Do you want to have children? If not, how come?
82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
84. Do you believe in abortion?
85. Do you have children now?
86. What is your relationship with your children now?
87. What is your relationship with their other parent?
88. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?
89. What is the best method(s) of raising children?
90. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
91. How were you raised?
92. How were you disciplined?
93. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
94. Do you believe in public school for your children?
95. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?
96. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?
97. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?
98. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
99. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
100. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?

;D love the 3rd ques ;D I havnt read em all btw :p

[~Zaria~]

^ :skeleton:

Rather ask for a CV, i think, lol : )

[Re.TiReD]

Nobody get married just based off a CV, please :skeleton:

You're going to be living with this person, it's not like the relationship you have at home with your parents and siblings, argue one day and make up the next or just ignore them till you need a favour. Marriage is a relationship that needs constant work and even a little bit of neglect can take it the wrong way. Marry somebody who can really work with you on it and wants it just as much as you do.

This really isn't the place for it but I actually feel like I could write a whole book on marriage now based on the past few months alhamdulillah :D

[IbnAbdulHakim]

whilst we reserve the right to ask questions obviously I think the best thing to do is get recommendations.


for example if my Mursheed was to recommend someone based on what he understood of her and that family's hal (spiritual state) then that would be enough for me inshaALlaah.



would we say no for example if someone like imam ibn qayyim was to recommend someone? I think not :)

[Insaanah]

:sl:

Is it wrong to 'rule out' potential suitors simply because they dont have a beard?

Ive refused to even meet such guys (much to the disappointment of my family/ friends, etc).

I feel that a beard is the 'hijab' for men......and that if a man is not willing to follow the sunnah of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam), then perhaps we are not on the same page......

Or am I being too harsh? ;/

A little.

You've made a judgement that he is not willing to follow the sunnah, without checking to see if in reality that is indeed the case.

If someone didn't fulfil his five pillars, you'd be justified at refusing outright.

With regards to the beard, maybe a little nudge from a prospective wife is all they need, as below:

Also if you meet them you can tell them that you've a preference for beards they might consider their position? Sometimes people just need a nudge!

We have to remember everybody is at different stages of their faith journey. Some may have lapsed in their teens but are now practising again - they know they should keep a beard, but for whatever reason, haven't yet done so. Yet they may be equally fervent in their desire to please Allah and come closer to Him as you are. It may be that the right lady is just the impetus they need to start growing a beard. But by refusing to meet them you're not even giving them that opportunity. There may be someone there, whose other aspects of the deen are all in place, and a beautiful character and personality, all that's needed is a mere nudge. It might not even be a nudge that's needed, simply knowing there is a practising sister that may consider them may be all that's needed. And they might turn out to be better for you than somebody that currently at the time of proposal has a beard, but who's personality or other traits might not be that great. And therefore you might be depriving yourself of someone that could could make a wonderful husband for you.

The story of Umm Sulaim comes to mind, after she became widowed, and Abu Talha (not yet a Muslim) proposed to her. Although he was a kaafir, he was highly desirable in most other respects. Yet Umm Sulaim didn't just turn him away. She told him she'd only consider him if he accepted Islam, which he did, and they married (may Allah be pleased with them both) with his acceptance of Islam as her mahr.

I'm not remotely suggesting that you consider non-Muslims, but I'm using the story as an analogy, in that someone who fulfils other aspects of the deen and is also good otherwise with the exception of the beard, shouldn't be turned away without consideration or seeing if they are willing to grow one. Maybe they want to, but something's holding them back, and a little mention from a prospective wife or her family is all that's needed. Marriage is usually also a time of maturation for men, so many will already be thinking about it even though they may not have grown one yet. You can put it out there that you prefer a husband that has a beard or would grow one before marriage, to fulfil the prophetic way. If they point blank refuse, then yes, you can refuse them.

Also bear in mind that while having a beard is part of a man's visible Muslim identity in Islam, having a beard in no way guarantees a good character.

Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) once said you should not attest to the goodness of someone simply because he goes to the mosque. Similarly one shouldn't think that considering only those that currently have beards at the time of proposal will be best. Some of those, that might not have one at the time of first proposal, but grow one before marriage, upon your mentioning, could be better. Allahu a3'lam.

Just some food for thought.

I must emphasis I'm not defending not keeping a beard, nor advocating or justifying the not keeping of one, but trying to put things in perspective.

And Allah knows best.

[GuestFellow]

Is it wrong to 'rule out' potential suitors simply because they dont have a beard?

Ive refused to even meet such guys (much to the disappointment of my family/ friends, etc).

I feel that a beard is the 'hijab' for men......and that if a man is not willing to follow the sunnah of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam), then perhaps we are not on the same page......

Or am I being too harsh? ;/

:wa:

You have your own requirements. Stick with them.

[Musaafirah]

Has anyone gotten to the stage where they receive 'biodatas' of the potential before they even meet, to give them an idea of what they're like?
Sorry, it makes me laugh every time.

['Abd-al Latif]

^^

CVs, biodatas or whatever you wanna call them: I say they're all bloody nonsense and a complete joke. One will never find out the truth about someone based on what one has said about one's own self. If people lie and exaggerate on their job applications, what's going to stop them from doing the same for a "marriage cv"?

It seriously puzzles me how this ridiculous and absurd method of finding a spouse has gained such prominence.

It's far better for one to ask someone whom one trusts to get credible information about a potential spouse. A brother can ask his friend to ask his wife about so-and-so as a solid reference (and vice versa for sisters). A friend will give you an honest and unbiased opinion, an opinion that will benefit you, your iman and your future.

If not then the next person should believe that I am the President of USA, with a graduate degree from Madinah and that I'm the next person to become Ibn Taymiyyah. Marry me!

[Re.TiReD]

I feel a 'CV' is good for some things (but I really don't think it should be called a CV :skeleton:)

The basics somebody might want to know about a person is age, what they study, what they work as and level of commitment to Deen...No more than this should be covered in a CV to be honest, simply because you can't gather much about a person from what's written on paper apart from how good a writer they are, and even these basics I've mentioned would be better off coming from somebody who knows the person. If somebody came with a marriage CV for my sis for example, I'd want to know what they knew about the person before reading the actual info.

['Abd-al Latif]

I feel a 'CV' is good for some things (but I really don't think it should be called a CV :skeleton:)

The basics somebody might want to know about a person is age, what they study, what they work as and level of commitment to Deen...No more than this should be covered in a CV to be honest, simply because you can't gather much about a person from what's written on paper apart from how good a writer they are, and even these basics I've mentioned would be better off coming from somebody who knows the person. If somebody came with a marriage CV for my sis for example, I'd want to know what they knew about the person before reading the actual info.

I discourage even that. I can't speak for sisters but for brothers I say: go and speak to the sister at her home with your family. If someone you trust has told you that so-and-so is a good Muslimah then you can't really find out much more about her until you speak to her. The best place to speak to her is at her home because then all the important people (like her mahram for one) will all meet each other at the same time, including you and her.

I honestly laughed when I first heard about marriage CVs and sank to disbelief when I heard that this is actually practised.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I discourage even that. I can't speak for sisters but for brothers I say: go and speak to the sister at her home with your family. If someone you trust has told you that so-and-so is a good Muslimah then you can't really find out much more about her until you speak to her. The best place to speak to her is at her home because then all the important people (like her mahram for one) will all meet each other at the same time, including you and her.

I honestly laughed when I first heard about marriage CVs and sank to disbelief when I heard that this is actually practised.

I think it's useful for getting certain pieces of information such as age, education and extra curricular activities - but I guess only at the preliminary stage. Because certain things tend to put people off such as age requirements, level of education etc. It would prevent a weird situation when you go over to her house and then you find out something you can't get past at all, like she's older or too young, whatever the case may be. Might as well find out early right?

But I get where you're coming from - i feel mostly the same way. I think the importance given to it is over rated.

If however you're commenting solely on the desi bio-datas with the rishta pose's with fobs and broken English - i totally agree :D These should be outlawed!

[Re.TiReD]

Because certain things tend to put people off such as age requirements, level of education etc. It would prevent a weird situation when you go over to her house and then you find out something you can't get past at all, like she's older or too young, whatever the case may be. Might as well find out early right?

^ this. But I just didn't know how to explain myself

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I don't have actual scripted questions per se but I'll list what I would seek to know by asking her questions. That way, if people agree with what's below, they can frame the question however they want where relevant so hopefully it's helpful to people reading. Here goes,
a

1. Flexibility and low-stress person (high achievers usually don't fall into this category)
2. Focus on Islam and family over career

2a. Goal oriented, purposeful person (as opposed to someone who is easily bored and can't find anything to do with themselves)

2b Humble and respectful about your role as head of the household, but is more than willing to correct you if you're about to screw up, but respects your decisions. (This is impossible to find in this world, but is nice if she's close to it.)

3. Fun and relaxed
4. Physical beauty
5. Low maintenance
6. Is accepting of your role in Islamic work and understands that it will take some sacrifice of your time on her part, but accepts it and is willing to work with you on it.
6. Competent at handling things on her own (house chores, calling a plumber, going shopping for stuff) and not being dependent on you for everything.
7. Good cook
8. Good at home maintenance, keeping things clean, etc.
9. Interested in being a student of knowledge with you and learning more about Islam

a
This is numbered in order for me. Thing is, each girl can be rated on these points but no one will find someone who is a 10 in every single one except in Jannah. Some girls will be 6-10 on some points and on other points 1-5 - but the idea is that they balance you out overall so as to reach that full 10 together. So for example Sister X might be an 8 on beauty and a 2 in cooking and 2 in house keeping and 5 in focus on islam - the question would be, is that balance good for me or do I want a 5 in beauty, 2 in cooking, 7 in housekeeping, 8 in Islam. So every girl will have different measures.

Each guy has a different number level preference for each of these points - some are willing to compromise on one point for a full 10 on another point. The girl you are ok with will need to be someone you accept with her low measures in certain things and appreciate the high measures in others. And I would say this might be generally-speaking applicable to a lot of guys though they may add some points of their own.

It would be cool if a sister can come up with a similar rubric for guys - with the most important points.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

you guys say you dont like CV's but then turn the meeting into an interview with a thousand questions lol.


I stick by what I said, recommendation from an amazing pious person + a small meeting for that first look/connection will be enough inshaAllah.

I dont plan to ask my future wife much at all to be honest. I will spend the whole time trying to make sure she aint uncomfy

[Re.TiReD]

you guys say you dont like CV's but then turn the meeting into an interview with a thousand questions lol.


y

Wow, and I thought women were the ones who exaggerated.

CV - Reminds me too much of a job application, too rigid

Talk with questions - more relaxed, you get to find out more about a person by actually talking to them than reading about them.

But hey, to each their own...as long as it's all halal who cares, go with what you feel is best.

[~Zaria~]

I havent read the earlier posts in this thread, but I think we should not forget the importance of asking for guidance from Allah Taa'la through Istikaarah.

I too believe that the first meeting should be about getting to see each other and their families, and determining in a relaxed and casual manner whether there is compatiblility in terms of deen, lifestyle, attraction and goals in life.

The fact is, that people often try to create the best perception possible on the first meeting.
(This is not always the case, as there are those who believe: 'This is me - take it, or leave it.')

In view of this, even a 100 or 200 questions, as well as months and months of meeting each other will not suffice - esp. if the other is just trying his/ her best to impress.

If you have an inclination to the person from the first meeting (even if it was very brief) - then read istikharah salaah, and ask Allah to guide you towards that which would be good for you.

Only Allah knows what the future would hold - so turn to the One who holds all the answers.

I wish i had read istikharah for many big decisions in my own life, rather than trusting my own limited knowledge......
Alhamdulillah, now I know better.


:wa:

[Muezzin]

'Know any jokes?'

[جوري]

yeah but my delivery of the punch line is questionable :p

[Muezzin]

A sense of humour is very, very important (for me it's second to religion). If I can't worship and laugh with this person forever, I'm not interested.

[جوري]

you can't go wrong with cannibal jokes.

['Abd-al Latif]

"Are you anti-feminist?"

[جوري]

^^ that one is always a winner.. :haha: this thread is amusing to say the least.. I don't think it works that way in real life at all.. I think people can usually tell from the first 9 mins whether it is a no go zone.. but it is fun to read all this stuff..

:w:

[PurpleCup]

I would ask:

1.) I would ask if his father was abusive to his mother. Anytime a man grows up with that in the household he can so easily repeat that with his future wife.
2.) I would ask if he is willing to relocate (if I wasn't willing to relocate)
3.) How many times he has been married and consider if he says he never have been married but is in his 40's! That means either he masturbated or dated and had premarital sex. (Not a good catch)
4.) I would ask him why he got a divorce and take his reasons into consideration if he has valid reasons, because I would never want to be left for silly reasons.
5.) I would ask if he is involved with his children (if he has any) if he isn't I wouldn't like to talk further.
6.) I would ask what are his plans to live in USA or go back to his country.
7.) I would try to observe him and see if he is one to lower his gaze when other females are around or he looks at that with lust.
8.) I would ask him how he copes when he is angry.
9.) I would consider his level of education.
10.) Most important I would look at his deen (5 pillars)

There is a list of 100 questions to ask a propestive spouse and these are all great but never ask them one after another as he will feel like he is quizzed. :phew

[CosmicPathos]

1.) I would ask if his father was abusive to his mother. Anytime a man grows up with that in the household he can so easily repeat that with his future wife.

What an inane question to ask. Everyone has the right to hide sins of their parents.

Good luck with what you seek though.

[Insaanah]

3.) .... consider if he says he never have been married but is in his 40's! That means either he masturbated or dated and had premarital sex. (Not a good catch)

In effect, this is saying, that all those for whom Allah has not yet decreed marriage to happen, who are over the age of 40, are of bad character. This is not a question, but a judgement that you've made, a completely unfounded one. I find this offensive for all the noble brothers and sisters over the age of 40. You are slamming them and putting accusations on them simply for what Allah hasn't yet bestowed on them.

These brothers and sisters may be bearing it with good patience and fortitude. They may be sad that Allah hasn't yet bestowed it on them, and may be making efforts and making du'aa for it, beseeching Allah and crying to Him, but imagine how that hurt would be if they knew what people were saying about them. They may in fact be of those who fast often, as recommended in the hadeeth (al-Bukhaari, 5066; Muslim, 1400) for those on whom Allah has not yet bestowed a spouse, and may be closer to Allah than those making the judgements and accusations abut them.

May Allah reward them for their patience, and grant them righteous, pleasing spouses soon, who will be the coolness of their eyes, ameen.

[جوري]

It's a business transaction and a job interview than a human connection based on the foundation Allah swt describes in the noble book as Mawaddah and Rahma in suret ar'rum and others.
And so good luck with that- either a human being who's superficial for they've not been touched by calamity which ultimately shapes and humanizes the character or a liar like those who do the same on their résumé out of desperation and distrust that's Allah swt who decrees everything from bread winning to marriage partners.
Maybe matrimonial sites work for people Allah swt knows best - but if this is any indication of what one should expect or have expected of then frankly how shallow and pitiable - you'd have better company and more depth from petting a stray cat!

Good things come to those who wait and some things are indeed worth waiting for!
Not everyone can afford a diamond .. It remaing on the shelf unsold doesn't decrease its value any!

:w:

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

Brothers and sisters, I would like to set the standards from this point onwards regarding anyone considering a person for marriage. In no particular order, I advise everyone with the following:

• Do not ask any questions that will reveal one's sins – this is forbidden in Islam;
• Do not be judgemental towards someone because of the state of their family. It may not be an accurate reflection of the person in question;
• Do not ask a lot of questions about a person's past. People can change and become better people but their past cannot change. Remember who 'Umar ibn Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) once was and who he became;
• Do not look for faults. While your expectations may be at a certain threshold, you have your own faults to correct and be ashamed of;
• Do not be overly concerned about how much the person in question fulfils his or her right over you as a husband/wife. Focus on fulfilling the right that your potential spouse is going to have over you, as righteousness starts with one's self first;
• Be kind, respectful and polite throughout the time you are in his or her presence. Who knows, one of you may like the other person. And while you are not held responsible for how one feels, you will be held responsible on the day of judgeent for how you treated someone in is word;
• While certain questions may be important to you, be respectful when you ask them. The way you word a question can make the difference between the kind of image you are giving of yourself.

I'm sure there are other things that I've missed out but the point is one should always be at one's best behaviour. Since this thread is regarding suggestions of what questions to ask a potential spouse, I will remove any posts from here onwards that contradict the above.

[PurpleCup]

What an inane question to ask. Everyone has the right to hide sins of their parents.

Good luck with what you seek though.

I am married, but that just comes from experience... Yes, everyone has the right to hide any sins of their parents and even themselves but that's what I would ask and I wouldn't be shy to ask and those that give vague answers to my questions would never be considered for marriage.

Cheating and deception are despicable characteristics that are beneath a
decent person. Intentionally distorting the truth in order to mislead
others contradicts the values of honesty, which requires an attitude of
sincerity, straightforwardness, and fairness that leaves no room for
cheating, lying, trickery, or deceit. There are many texts from the Qur'an
and the Sunnah conveying the meaning that cheating, whether the target be
Muslims or non-Muslims, is forbidden.

Accepting the guidance of Islam leads a person to truthfulness, which means
a person completely avoids cheating and back-stabbing. The Prophet of Islam
said:

“Whoever bears arms against us is not one of us, and whoever cheats us is
not one of us.” (Saheeh Muslim)

According to another report, the Prophet passed by a pile of food in the
market. He put his hand inside it and felt dampness, alth-ough the surface
was dry. He said:

‘O owner of the food, what is this?’ The man said, ‘It was damaged by rain,
O Messenger of God.’

He said, ‘Why did you not put the rain-damaged food on top so that people
could see it! Whoever cheats us is not one of us.” (Saheeh Muslim)

Muslim society is based on purity of feeling, love, sincerity toward every
Muslim, and fulfillment of promises to every member of society. Its members
are endowed with piety, truthfulness, and faithfulness. Cheating and
deception are alien characters in contrast to the noble character of a true
Muslim. There is no room in it for swindlers, double crossers, tricksters,
or traitors.

Islam views cheating and deception as heinous sins, a source of shame to
the one guilty of committing them, both in this world and the next. The
Prophet, may the mercy and blessings of God be upon him, did not merely
denounce them by excluding them from the Muslim community in this world, he
also announced that on the Day of Judgment every traitor would be raised
carrying the flag of his betrayal.

A caller will cry out from the vast arena of judgment, pointing to him,
drawing attention to him:

“Every traitor will have a banner on the Day of Resurrection and it will be
said: This is the betrayer of so-and-so.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari)

The shame of traitors — men and women — will be immense. Those who thought
that their betrayal had been forgotten will find it right there, exposed
for the whole world to see on banners raised high held by their own hands!

The Prophet of Islam said: “God said: There are three whom I will oppose on
the Day of Resurrection: a man who gave his word and then betrayed it; a
man who sold a free man into slavery and kept the money; and a man who
hired someone, benefited from his labor, then did not pay his wages.
(Saheeh Al-Bukhari)

One should steer clear of all the various forms of deceit and deception
present in today’s society. Cheating is common in examinations, business
transactions, and even between spouses and loved ones. Placing a label on
domestically-made products to make it seem that it is imported is a kind of
fraud. Some people give wrong advice when their council is sought and thus
deceive the person who believes he is getting good advice. An employee
should do the job for what he is paid for without any deception or
cheating.

Rulers rig the ballot to win elections and cheat the whole nation. Cheating
between spouses and having extra-marital affairs is widespread in modern
society. A Muslim should value himself too highly to be among those who
cheat or deceive perchance one might fall in the category of hypocrites
about whom the Prophet said:

“There are four characteristics, whoever has all of them is a true
hypocrite, and whoever has one of them has one of the qualities of a
hypocrite until he gives it up: when he is trusted, he betrays; when he
speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he
disputes, he resorts to slander.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim)

Therefore, a Muslim who has true Islamic sensitivities avoids deceit,
cheating, treachery, and lying no matter what benefits or profits such
activities might bring him, because Islam considers those guilty of such
deeds to be hypocrites.

[Insaanah]

If I'm not mistaken, brother CosmicPathos wasn't suggesting that one should cheat or be deceitful. He was saying that it's nobody's business to ask that.

If somebody gets asks that, they don't have answer, as it's not anyone else's business, and one shouldn't disclose other's sins or shortcomings, especially those of one's parents, as brother 'Abd-al Latif mentioned in his post.

['Abd-al Latif]

It is haram for one to reveal sins. If a person asks for one to reveal sins, it in fact says a lot about the questioner. Allah covers the sins of His servant to honour him in this life. He continues to bless the sinner by questioning him away from the ears of others on the day of questioning, just as He concealed his sins from everyone in this world. So who are you to judge?

To cut a long hadith short, a sahabi once came to the Messenger :saws1: and admitted to him that he had committed zina. The Messenger kept on turning away from him until this sahabi confessed against himself four times. Even then the Messenger asked the people around him if this Sahabi was sane. The scholars comment on this and said that all of this was done by the Messenger because the Messenger wanted to show him mercy, knowing what the sahabi will face if he is found guilty. There are many other ahadeeth of such nature where the messenger :saws1: forbade revealing sins which I'm sure you're aware of.

Imam Ahmed never married until he was forty, Maryum (as) was never married and neither was Ibn Taymiyyah. Yet we know they were among the most chaste of people.

If these examples are too distant then I can guarantee you that there are plenty of unmarried Muslims today, in this world and in our society who do not secretly disobey their Lord just because they are unmarried.

Since all of the offspring of Adam (as) are sinners one should never be forced to reveal one's sins, nor even be put in an uncomfortable situation because of matters that are only between a person and his Lord.

Truthfulness does not mean being blunt and open about every last action one does nor does it mean forcing the truth from someone if it's better kept a secret. Truthfulness also does not mean to confess sins if one is asked about it, and marriage is no exception. To do any of these is to be deprived of Islamic etiquettes, intelligence and wisdom.

Allah knows best.

[جوري]

I don't want to beat a dead horse but a business transaction and human relations aren't something that is comparable. Umar Ibn Ilkhtaab (and I can't cite this event right now because maghrib is around the corner and I got to break my fast) but a man came to him with that fact that his daughter is a repentant former adulterer and now has a proposal, if he should disclose this to her suitor and Umar (RA) said no. At any rate I am not advocating that people pretend they're virgins when they're not but to at least not cast doubt on people's character because they didn't and in accordance to someone else' standards catch the train in the right time.. Believe it or not life happens to the best of people.. I have encountered many folks where I wondered, why are they single they seem to have the whole package but even that doesn't guarantee that one will find their partner or even if they did that it will be a successful marriage at that..

and Allah swt knows best..

p.s it is actually also OK in Islam to pretend to love your husband even if you don't (again can't cite it someone correct me if I am wrong) so what applies to a market transaction isn't necessarily going to apply to a marriage!

:w:

[GuestFellow]

If I can go back in time, I would have asked her what would you like to do when you live university...along with the following questions:

1. What do you do when you get bored? I personally play computer games, surf the Internet or workout.

2. Want something to eat?

I'm not really not the type of person who will sit there and bombard her with all sorts of questions. I just want her to have a nice time...and not make her cry. :/

[جوري]

^^ I imagine you can still fix it, if you wanted..
just be yourself, tell her you were nervous and hope she didn't leave too upset and if you can start over..
Hi, I am guestfellow and smile

[Rhubarb Tart]

:sl:

If a brother was to ask and expect me to be low maintenance. I would ask what phone he has, whether he attends gym weekly and goes out with his friends to nice restaurant. If his answer is sumsung galaxy three or iPhone 5 plus tablet, does attend gym and goes with his friends. I would run a mile.....


Because he would be a Hypocrite.


And if he was to mention how he is the leader of the household WITHOUT mentioning that he would ask your opinion and consider it. I would run a mile.

:)
I can't believe someone has 99 question. Most of you need more then one meeting.

[Scimitar]

instead of running a mile, I think you should beat him with a stick. men like that are still boys.

[3cho]

Walaikum Asalam,

Some of the questions I would ask..:

How often do you pray Fajr?
How often do you read the Qur'an?


Goal in life?

Willing to seek knowledge? (knowledge of the deen)

How do you want to fulfill your duty of being a wife?

Also, I would definitely want to find out who her friends are..

[جوري]

How often do you pray Fajr?

That one takes care of many things doesn't it? the equivalent of fine motor testing in someone with a traumatic brain injury.


:w:

[CosmicPathos]

expect me to be low maintenance.

Well he bought iphone from his money and goes to gym from his own money. I am sure if you buy your high maintenance stuff from your own money as a wife, no guy would ever have an issue with that ever.

I am not sure that can be called nifaaq/hypocrisy. Really twisted definition of nifaaq especially when he breaks no promises, he does not quarrell and the rest of that hadith.

but ooh, if my wife accepts to not work at all (or just part time 2-3 days for female patients), I'll definitely buy her her favorite phone well cuz she earns no money and cuz only then I'd truly feel like her qawwam and genuinely responsible to pay for most of her luxurious expenses. :)

[CosmicPathos]

instead of running a mile, I think you should beat him with a stick. men like that are still boys.

^o)

I dont see any problem with having a samsung galaxy s3 and going to the gym. In fact I have a galaxy nexus and a nokia pureview and I go to an excellent gym regularly, allhamdulillah. And I am not a boy.

[Al-bint]

i have a question for all the members who have posted here:

How many of you, the then singles, are now married or on the verge of getting married? ;D

[Rhubarb Tart]

Well he bought iphone from his money and goes to gym from his own money. I am sure if you buy your high maintenance stuff from your own money as a wife, no guy would ever have an issue with that ever.

I am not sure that can be called nifaaq/hypocrisy. Really twisted definition of nifaaq especially when he breaks no promises, he does not quarrell and the rest of that hadith.

but ooh, if my wife accepts to not work at all (or just part time 2-3 days for female patients), I'll definitely buy her her favorite phone well cuz she earns no money and cuz only then I'd truly feel like her qawwam and genuinely responsible to pay for most of her luxurious expenses. :)

It might be his money but it would make a Hypocrite if expect his wife not to work and live simple life whilst he is high maintenance, himself. If you expect your wife to be low maintenance, you should be expected to live the same. Plus, this is just mean and selfish.
Once you get married, it isn't just your money any more.

['Abd-al Latif]

^^

From a neutral point of view, if the brother is unjust then fair enough. If not then one needs to ask oneself: what is reasonable spending? If it means to live comfortably but not luxuriously (unless one is rich enough to afford luxury) then the husband should provide for this. If it means spending beyond one's capabilities, causing financial strain, stress and problems then one or both of the spouses need to cut their spending.

What is considered luxury is obtaining items that are inessential but desirable which are often expensive or are difficult to obtain. These can be in the form of excessive clothing, expensive but unimportant gadgets and unnecesary casual spending of money on trivial matters for one's own entertainment or pleasure.

With this definition, it is hard to see how a phone or gym is luxury or excessive spending.

Having said all this, one needs to remember that a marriage does not work because of money or material possession. One of the many reasons for marriages not working out is due to financial strain. Financial strain is what gives new couples a very difficult start to a marriage, after having spend thousands on a wedding and beginning their married life in debt.

Marriage works with mutual cooperation, trust and commitment. It also works with making a few sacrifices for the benefit of a lasting, rich and loving relationship.

Additionally, it would be wrong for sisters to assume that brothers would be miserly towards their wife. I, for one, would have sleepless nights if I ever saw my wife in poor clothing or even see her living in difficult financial circumstances because I'm not able to provide enough for her.

Sisters should also be considerate and ask themselves if they are causing difficulty to their husbands. If the reasons to marry are because one wants to fill the gap of emptiness, have a personal neverending bank account and focus on personal gain then right now is not the right time to be married.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, each gender needs to focus on fulfilling the role that Allah has obligated upon them as a husband/wife. Financial spending is only one part of it, as is protecting yourself from hell fire, raising a righteous family and making sure that one's spouse remains a "covering/clothing", as Allah mentions in Qur'an.

[Re.TiReD]

I agree with so much of the post above it's unreal.

You have to be reasonable in marriage and learn to compromise.

The first few months or year of marriage is never a bed of roses and I can testify to that, all of a sudden somebody who is used to making money and spending it on the necessities (Bills & rent etc), is having to look after and provide for his lovely new wife, that will most likely never be easy for anybody. I dislike when marriage becomes all about money and buying things and having your own house and belongings, I mean don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with it if you can comfortably afford it but if you can't, just concentrate on being married and doing shukr :)

Edit: I havn't read the last page of the thread properly so don't really know what's being discussed but those are just my thoughts based on the last few posts

[IbnAbdulHakim]

:sl:

If a brother was to ask and expect me to be low maintenance. I would ask what phone he has, whether he attends gym weekly and goes out with his friends to nice restaurant. If his answer is sumsung galaxy three or iPhone 5 plus tablet, does attend gym and goes with his friends. I would run a mile.....


Because he would be a Hypocrite.


And if he was to mention how he is the leader of the household WITHOUT mentioning that he would ask your opinion and consider it. I would run a mile.

:)
I can't believe someone has 99 question. Most of you need more then one meeting.

I am seriously wondering if I should cut down now.

I have a cracked screen google nexus phone (2 years old now), I dont go gym but I do ponder over getting another contract which has EE (everything everywhere) 4g network with really good navigation because during my job I am always on the move and need to use my GPRS.


I dont go gym but I do have a laptop (3 years old).


To be honest I dont think these things make me high maintenance. I got them during my single life... doesnt mean I will insist ion such things after marriage.

After marriage I will give my partner more priority then myself... so I think its a bit harsh to judge someone as high maintenance/hypocritical if he insists on low maintenance because he in turn would be willing to sacrifice.



hope that makes sense inshAllah