format_quote Originally Posted by
Al Qalam
Does anyone have any advice on becoming a Muslim among Christian family members who are hostile to Islam? I have had to keep my Quran, Hadiths, and other Muslim books hidden just to maintain peace, and I know there would be big trouble if I told my family I was embracing Islam. Their hearts are sealed, and unfortunately their perception of Islam has been heavily influenced by the American media.
Being a new muslim in a family of non-muslims
First of all, if you are in the position of being a new muslim in a family of non-muslims, then many congratulations to you, and alhamdulillah that you have been guided to what we believe is the right path. May Allah(swt) reward you for your efforts in getting this far, and may Allah (swt) shower many blessings on you. May you be guided through this transition in your life and may your faith grow stronger with each day. May you become an excellent muslim and through your example may others be inspired, and may your family find a contentment in your decision through your new found happiness in your life, inshaAllah.
Telling your family you have become a Muslim
For some muslim converts telling their family of their decision is no problem at all. Some families of converts are very happy at the choice to become a muslim, and it is welcomed. Unfortunately though for other converts this is a difficult process, with various obstacles to face.
Let us start by reminding ourselves what the Qur’an says (2.286):
Allah (swt) does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of it's ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned, and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people.
If we keep this in mind we will be fine.
Alhumdalillah, as converts, Allah (swt) immediately allows us this opportunity to spread Islam within our family and inshaAllah earn some good deeds.
Your family are not at all religious and cannot understand why you would want to become religious.
BEING A NEW MUSLIM IN A FAMILY OF NON-MUSLIMS
It is sad when people feel that religion is not important. I cannot understand how any person could be content to go through life and not think about what comes after their death. Some people are happy to live for today and not worry about tomorrow. Unfortunately this then leads them to question other people who do have a religion. They wonder why religious people bother to waste their time with religion, they think that time spent performing religious duties could be spent in a
'more enjoyable' way. They cannot see the spiritual gains in religious actions.
There are also people who like to
'put down' others who are religious because they themselves are scared. They think that there might be something in religion, they wonder if perhaps there is a God and a point to life. But as they have not bothered to make any investigations for themselves they do not like to be reminded of the fate that they suspect might await them. If they are not looking into religion, despite their doubts, then they do not want anyone else to either.
Of course there is always hope with all people. Many individuals have no interest in religion, then a spark is ignited within them, and through the Mercy of Allah (swt) they are guided.
If your family are of the second category then at least you have something more to work with. If your family think that there might be something in religion, but have not made any attempt to find out, then perhaps you now have the opportunity to help them. You could perhaps explain how you found religion, the books you read, the people you spoke to. What was it that convinced you about Islam? I think you need to take a soft approach, if possible let them find out some information for themselves. If you go in 'all guns blazing' then this may just add to their guilt that they haven't looked into religion themselves, and they may feel anger towards you. A gentle approach, asking them what they think and getting them to give their opinion on matters, I think would work best. InshaAllah they will develop their own interest in religion and then in time start to feel very relieved that they are now acting upon the thoughts that they had previously been battling against.
If your parents are of the first category, ie just can't see the point in religion, then you could try to make them understand that there is a point. This may need to start with proving to them that God does exist. This is really too much to get into now, but there are many websites that could help with this quest. Please contact
ZAYNAB5@AOL.COM if you would like to be pointed in the right direction.
Of course your parents, despite your hard efforts, may still be uninterested in religion, and may still be unhappy at your choice to be a muslim. In this situation we suggest that you try and point out to them that your new religion does not change who you are. They still have their son or daughter that they always had. In many ways your parents have gained, please refer to
'Duty to Parents' and
'Treatment of Non-Muslims' in the previous solution.
Just because you are now a muslim, you are still you. There will now be some things that you will start to do that you never did before, and there will be some things that you stop doing that you used to do, but that is all.
Perhaps make them understand that you have everything to win and nothing to lose. You could tell them that if you are right, then living your life as a muslim will earn you a reward inshaAllah. If you are wrong, then you have still enjoyed a good life, and you have lived your life to a very high moral level, what is the objection here?
Who to Tell?
When I use the word
'family' this is referring to whoever you decide. For myself, I was concerned with telling my parents and my brother about my change of religion. Telling other family members was something that to me was not as urgent, but would be necessary in time. I felt that I wanted to gain the understanding and hopefully the support of my parents prior to tackling anyone else. For others though, they may have other family members that they would want to talk to first. Perhaps an aunt who you feel is open minded and receptive to new ideas, who in fact, may help you talk with your parents. Or perhaps a brother or sister would be easier to tell initially before talking to your parents. This is just something to consider.
What Method to use to tell your family?
The actual method of telling your family really comes down to the relationship that you have with them. Have you always had a relationship that allows the free and easy discussion of any topic? Or is your relationship good, but discussions of topics that might rock the boat are rare? Or perhaps you feel you have a not so good relationship with them.
Face to Face Conversation
I would advise the best method is to just sit down and talk to them in an environment that will allow them to express their views freely, ie talk to them privately, somewhere where they and you feel comfortable. This will allow for a conversaton to take place, giving them the opportunity to ask questions and you the opportunity to get across the main points that you feel are important. I know you may feel that you want some of your muslim friends with you, but this may stifle your family's reaction, they may not feel they can ask questions about the religion in front of a muslim audience for example.
A face to face conversation also gives you the opportunity to observe their real reactions and body language, something that will be lost with a telephone call or letter.
A Letter
If you feel that you are unable to talk to your family face to face then writing a letter is an option to consider. A letter has the advantage of allowing you time to write and re-write until you are happy that you have expressed yourself in the best possible way. You have the opportunity to make sure that you include everything that you want and that the best possible wording is used.
The disadvantage is clear, you can niether see nor hear their initial reactions. The reaction that you receive will be a delayed reaction, ie when you next see your family, or when they have read and digested your letter they will phone you. A lot can be learned from witnessing their initial reaction, although some may prefer to only get a reaction once the family have had some time to contemplate what you have told them.
You might want to consider telling your family face to face, but afterwards leave them with a letter that you had previously prepared. This would ensure any points that you were not able to convey during the conversation, were not missed altogether.
A Phone Call
This method does not really apply too well to individuals who still live with their family. Going out of the house to then phone back to the house to tell them, only then to return to the house later, does not seem the best option :)
For those living apart from their family, this could be considered. However, if the family live relatively close by then I would suggest telling them face to face, rather than down the phone, and only consider the phone in the cases where family live at a distance and visits are few and far between.
Using the phone to tell family still involves having to talk to them, so if possible, going the extra step and telling them face to face would be better. The phone obviously stops you seeing their reaction, it is not always easy to get a true understanding of someone's real feelings down the phone. I feel that a phonecall to talk to your family about such a matter could also trivialise the issue, which is obviously highly important in your life.
However, if this is the method that you feel suits you best, then of course do it this way.
When it comes to telling other family members then a phone call or a letter could be the best option and the easiest in some cases.
Clearly this is an individual choice and there is no right or wrong. You must go with the option that you feel is best for you. Remember in many cases the reaction from family is very good, and in all cases, whatever the reaction, you will feel a sense of relief from simply telling them.
What to Say?
When you are telling your family take the time to explain to them that you have made a decision in your life, explain that it is an informed decision that you have made for yourself. You can explain some of your reasons for selecting Islam. If appropriate you can thank them for bringing you up in such a way that you have an interest in religion in the first place. You can address any possible concerns that you think they may have. You can reassure them that you are still the same person, and that you will be trying to lead a life of high morals and manners, a life that you hope will make them proud. You might decide to explain a little about how your life will change from now on.
I would suggest not going overboard with your words. Remember the main objective here is to let them know of your decision and to add some words that will help them to accept your decision and inshaAllah be happy for you. It is not the objective to explain all the Islamic teachings and convert them with your words, this can come with time inshaAllah.
Whichever method you choose to tell your family this has to be an individual choice of words. You will know the best way to approach the subject with your parents. At the very least you are prepared, you have considered what some of their concerns might be, and you have thought of some possible solutions to these concerns. For example, if they are worried that women are treated badly in Islam, then you can explain the reality to them. So as far as you are able, you are ready to deal with any misgivings they might have.
Don't try and
'over prepare'. Don't spend too much time thinking
'what if they say this..',
'what if they say that..'. Don't get too caught up in this beforehand, you will find that once you start talking to them your words will flow naturally with the help of Allah (swt).
Remember, there is nothing wrong in not knowing the answer to a question. If your family ask you a question and you do not know the answer, simply aknowledge the question and let them know that you are not totally sure and that you would like to find out for certain and then get back to them. This could actually be an ideal opportunity to enable you to bring up the topic of religion at a future date.
How to act during the discussion with your family.
As a muslim you will of course be trying to conduct yourself in accordance with Islam. You will be aware of the manners that a muslim must try to show etc, you will be aware of the qualities of patience and understanding. Most importantly you will be aware of the rights of your parents and the way in which you should treat them.
Remember that you should not raise your voice to your parents. Just show them love and kindness throughout the discussion. If there are times when a debate starts, as is often the case when discussing religion, remember to speak calmly and softly, and remember to keep smiling :)
Despite your sincerity, you may still feel a little nervous at the start. Your nerves may give an incorrect impression to your family, so try to remain calm and composed, and inshaAllah the strength of your faith will see you through your tough times.
Giving your family books
You may want to have a couple of books to hand so that if appropriate you can offer them to your family at the end of your discussion. InshaAllah they will be interested to increase their understanding of the path you have chosen.
Obviously, if you fear that they will disrespect the books, then ensure that you do not give them any that contain the Quran.
Source: at www.convertstoislam.com