Question: abuse of wife from husband- should she stay?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
should a wife, if being physically/mentally/emotionally abused by her husband (god forbid) stay in the marriage, for the sake of her children...?

your views?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
*bump

[Thinker]

:sl:
should a wife, if being physically/mentally/emotionally abused by her husband (god forbid) stay in the marriage, for the sake of her children...?

your views?

No; it will not benefit the children to be raised in such an environment (IMHO).

[Tony]

It happens female to male abuse also. It is such an honourable thing to stay becuase of the children, and each situation is different, there is no real answer to the question and Although I understand that it may seem negative for children, it is not always so. Sometimes the stable partner would be away from children and the unstable partner left to cope on their own (thru choice or law). If a person is abusive it is a general indication that the abuser needs help also. to leave kids in the situation could be more harmful. The law is geared to be open to abuse by bitter mothers, sorry but its true, a loving father can be ostrasized from children as a means of further abuse. If the physical abuse gets worse and worse then there is danger to all involved and the children should be removed 1st. I ask Allah to protect and guide you. The bottom line is no-one has any right to abuse you. Take care. :sl::)

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[~Taalibah~]

:sl:
I know of a marriage which is still intact only because of the children, tho the woman goes through a lot.
I cannot give an answer.

[Re.TiReD]

:salamext:

If it was somebody else I'd tell her to get the Hell out of there. I would hate to see a sister suffering.

I know its hypocritical but I myself would stay in the marriage, well that's what I think now. Why? Because knowing myself better than anybody, I know I'd be living in the past and hoping for a tomorrow that was as bright as the first year of marriage.

BUT....Insha'Allah nobody will have to go through it.

WassalamuAlaykum

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam

I ask Allah to protect and guide you. The bottom line is no-one has any right to abuse you. Take care. :sl::)

thank you, but its not me :-[

:salamext:
I know its hypocritical but I myself would stay in the marriage, well that's what I think now. Why? Because knowing myself better than anybody, I know I'd be living in the past and hoping for a tomorrow that was as bright as the first year of marriage.

even though your kids are at risk..i mean the way i see it is that the mother stays cos she thinks that if shes to go, then her kids are at risk of going astray not having anyone provide for them, etc...but personally i cant see anything more deter mental to a kids mental and emotional well-being than seeing their mother being abused by their own dad...its pretty hideous...for both mum and child :(

[BlissfullyJaded]

:sl:

It depends on a lot of things. It's not really a black and white thing. Not all women can just walk away from a crappy marriage. Some will just stick simply because he'll say a million nasty things, and then wrap it up with an I love you and given her frazzled situation her heart will melt and she will just pray he could be like that always. And not all have a home to go back to. I know of parents who reject any notion of their daughters leaving a horrible marriage. However, I do believe that overall, a woman should find a way out and try her best to take her kids with her if she can.

I don't believe that the children's lives will be any better growing up in a broken home, seeing their mother being abused and disrespected. If I had a son, he'd pick up bad morals that it's perfectly okay for a man to abuse his wife and that she can do nothing about it because the community will never support her. And if I had a daughter, she'll know that women aren't given their respect that they deserve. Not in all cases would the children turn out that way, but it would at least be in subconscious at times...

[Snowflake]

assalamu alaykum

Although a woman has grounds for divorce, I still think she should do everything possible to help the abusive partner recognise the problem and seek help. People can change inshaAllah. And children are happier when their parents are together.

However, as any mum knows, it is hard enough raising kids in a good manner, but having to do it in a tense and unhappy environment is virtually impossible. Only a superhuman can override their mental/physical suffering and do a good job in those circumstances.


So, if the abuse is never-ending and the children are suffering as a result of the mother's emotional state/environment then she has to put a stop to it. A separation is a good idea and may make the husband realise what is at stake if he doesn't change. If nothing changes, she can ask for divorce which we always hope is the last resort. May Allah guide all the muslimeen. Ameen

[julie sarri]

Even though its hard and you feel deeply sorry for her at the end of the the day all you can do is be there and support her threw becouse the only one who can make the final decision on whether to divorce or not will be her and we must not forget that some sisters dont have the support of there family who may demand she stays with her husband. It may also be that she loves him deeply so she should try and encourage him with gentle dawah and who knows Allah may by his mercy guide him to be a better person Insha'Allah

[aamirsaab]

:sl:
We studied this in psychology. This particular event in question happens quite frequently. Staying in an abusive relationship is understandable too - the mother or father is trying to do what they believe is best for the family by staying, even though the other spouse is being a scumbag and beating/abusing her/him.

In my opinion, they should leave. Even though generally speaking, it is better for a child to stay with both parents (for overall development). In the cases of abusive relationships, it is better for them to move. It is not however, easy to do which is why if anyone is suffering from such ordeals, they phone the authorities about it.

[youngsister]

Salam

No.

Many times women tend to stay because they are not financially able to provide for themselfs.

Staying for the sake of the kids doesnt make sense you are only harming your kids (if he is abusive) children are not stupid they hear and see a lot more than you think, what values are you teaching your boy? that is ok to be abusive? and the girl is probably going to have low self esteem.

And plus is not good for the woman health obviously, how can a man get help when you with him..the first advice you will hear from health care professional is for the man to leave and get himself sorted.

Anyways thats my opinion, being in a abusive marriage takes away your dignity and self respect so i guess the woman will feel that she cant do better

[Zahida]

:sl:True words it depends on the situation and the individual whether he/she chooses to stay.................:):w:

It happens female to male abuse also. It is such an honourable thing to stay becuase of the children, and each situation is different, there is no real answer to the question and Although I understand that it may seem negative for children, it is not always so. Sometimes the stable partner would be away from children and the unstable partner left to cope on their own (thru choice or law). If a person is abusive it is a general indication that the abuser needs help also. to leave kids in the situation could be more harmful. The law is geared to be open to abuse by bitter mothers, sorry but its true, a loving father can be ostrasized from children as a means of further abuse. If the physical abuse gets worse and worse then there is danger to all involved and the children should be removed 1st. I ask Allah to protect and guide you. The bottom line is no-one has any right to abuse you. Take care. :sl::)

[Ashjan95]

well a women that wants to go and leave then she can but she must take her children n wen they grow up they cud choose hu to go wiv the mother ot the farther ......

[Faseeha]

:sl:

Personally I think that staying in an abusive relationship is detrimental to both the mother as well as the kids.

An abuser believes that the person he abused was at fault, therefore his actions are justified to himself. If a person believes that they are right and justified in their actions, are they likely to change?

Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, sometimes its becoz they have nowhere else to go, other times its because they love their husbands and believe that things will change. And sometimes they do it because they think its better for their children.

Staying for the sake of the kids doesnt make sense you are only harming your kids (if he is abusive) children are not stupid they hear and see a lot more than you think, what values are you teaching your boy? that is ok to be abusive? and the girl is probably going to have low self esteem.

I agree with that 100%, parents are supposed to be role models for their children. By staying with an abusive partner, the odds are that the son's will take after their father and become abusive in some way or other to their wives. And as for daughters, they'll develop self esteem issues, and will grow up thinking that its all right for women to be treated in that way. Also realistically speaking, an abused person will always be unhappy. It follows that the children seeing their mother unhappy will also be miserable and unhappy.

Anyways thats my opinion, being in a abusive marriage takes away your dignity and self respect so i guess the woman will feel that she cant do better

Again i agree 100%. By being abused a women will lose any self respect or dignity she may have, her self esteem will drop tremendously, she will live in fear of when the next beating is coming. Living this way for many years may eventually lead to having a nervous breakdown.

So i would advise anyone in an abusive relationship to leave. I'm not saying that people can't change, by Allah's will its very possible that they can, but in most cases they very rarely do.

[Zahida]

:sl:Thankyou for that. What you said is very true. I was in the same situation myself until a week ago where i thought enough is enough....................

The hardest part now is dealing with my own emotions and the emotions of my kids too. Even though they know what their dad did was wrong they keep asking me to ask him back..... Its hard watching your kids hurt.

I stayed for 16 years in the hope that he would change you are right people can change but they have to do it for theemselves,,,,,,,,,:w::)

:sl:

Personally I think that staying in an abusive relationship is detrimental to both the mother as well as the kids.

An abuser believes that the person he abused was at fault, therefore his actions are justified to himself. If a person believes that they are right and justified in their actions, are they likely to change?

Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, sometimes its becoz they have nowhere else to go, other times its because they love their husbands and believe that things will change. And sometimes they do it because they think its better for their children.



I agree with that 100%, parents are supposed to be role models for their children. By staying with an abusive partner, the odds are that the son's will take after their father and become abusive in some way or other to their wives. And as for daughters, they'll develop self esteem issues, and will grow up thinking that its all right for women to be treated in that way. Also realistically speaking, an abused person will always be unhappy. It follows that the children seeing their mother unhappy will also be miserable and unhappy.



Again i agree 100%. By being abused a women will lose any self respect or dignity she may have, her self esteem will drop tremendously, she will live in fear of when the next beating is coming. Living this way for many years may eventually lead to having a nervous breakdown.

So i would advise anyone in an abusive relationship to leave. I'm not saying that people can't change, by Allah's will its very possible that they can, but in most cases they very rarely do.

[noorseeker]

May Allah swt give all those sisters in that position strength and patience

[Zahida]

:sl:Thankyou for your duas brother............ InshaAllah i will be ok. It will be difficult at first but i know Allah is with me and will guide me. Ameen.:w::)

May Allah swt give all those sisters in that position strength and patience

[Lonely Gal]

At first i would say no, but it all depends on the situation and the way things are.
it tough to comment without being in the situation..

[Ronaldo]

Im sure Dr. Phil would say that the wife should leave her husband - and take the kids... I agree with him. Its just not healthy for the children or the wife..

[Ansariyah]

If it was somebody else I'd tell her to get the Hell out of there. I would hate to see a sister suffering.

I know its hypocritical but I myself would stay in the marriage, well that's what I think now. Why? Because knowing myself better than anybody, I know I'd be living in the past and hoping for a tomorrow that was as bright as the first year of marriage.

Why wud u? That's truly sad. Abuse is not OK..it doesn't matter who does it..even if its ur lovely husband.

Why be a slave to another living creature? Allah is the only God that deserves to be worshiped.

Any man who hits a woman is a coward n deserves no respect, n shud be beaten up!!

I am not very forgiving towards any abuse...! Period.

Children are no excuse, Children will suffer, n why keep them around a man whos such bad influence, n hits their mother? It's better to be alone, then to stay in an abuse marriage.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
^agreed! :) and also sis amat, i dont see why you cant get that lovey doveyness lol from someone else :)

[TabTabiun]

:sl:
should a wife, if being physically/mentally/emotionally abused by her husband (god forbid) stay in the marriage, for the sake of her children...?

your views?

No if someone is in a abusive relationship they should not stay in the marriage, because that is oppression.

[Intisar]

:sl: You should never use your children as an ''excuse'', for lack of better word, to stay in an abusive marriage. You're actually harming your children because you're making them live and be surrounded by an unsafe environment. The wife isn't the only one who's going to suffer from the abuse, your children will be victims too. Who's to say he won't abuse the children either? People like that are mentally disturbed subhanAllaah, sometimes wives have nowhere to run to and their family won't believe them. imsad I've known some women who've stayed with my family because no one would take them in and they're husbands would beat them up so badly that their faces looked so bruised up. My Daddy was so mad one day that he went to a man's house and told him to stay away from his now ex-wife. He was ready to beat him up, but he knew that wouldn't solve anything. She has a restraining order against him now, she still blames herself for it. Her kids are precious though, I consider them my little brothers and sisters, even though I don't have any. Alhamdulilah it doesn't seem to have affected them, many women end up resenting men as a result of what they've experienced (deadbeat dad who's a wife beater).

[Muslim Knight]

Abuse is not right but you can always go to the Qadi or proper authorities to make a complaint. Muslimahs all, know your rights.

[Dua_e_Sehar]

Hmm...a tough question...Indeed a sad situation....Such things look easy to answer or say advice...as no one can understand what a perosn goes through........but the person who is going through only can make this decision....Kids will suffer in either case...:s...Indeed Islam teaches us first to try our best in any relation before giving up.....as divorce is the most disliked act.....I 'm sure there is a reason why she is suffering.....if she can change her husband or herself for a better marriage and kids, it wud be good....BUt if there is no happiness, no way, no good outcome, no scope of the husband changing himself...then the women can have her say as its the matter of her self-respect also.....she only has the right to make a decision best for herself and kids....she has to be strong and seek Allah's help(make dua)....May Allah(swt) guide her towards the best !!