I Have A Predicament Involving Marriage

[Crystle9827]

Hello, my name is Crystle, I am 19 and I am in a well, predicament. I have been arranged to be married to my cousin, but I do not want to go ahead with the marriage. My family will not let me refuse it, they say to do so would be a great dishonour if I do and would be disobeying Allah. I didn't even know until recently they had such plans for me in mind, and I think this is even unislamic (marrying my cousin?!). I am thinking of simply running away, to people I know and such but I was wondering if fellow muslims could give me some advice and maybe help me out through this. Is it the right thing to run away from this, or am I committing a grave dishonour?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
i have good news for you... Islamically you have every right to refuse a forced marriage :D:D:D
be firm but kind cos if you deal with this in anger, than it'll make others aeound you angry adn itsll make them be more forceful, but if your kind, then it'll go a long way, inshallah... so yh take the moderate apporach inshllah :)

dont run away, you could be an example to others :p

Is it the right thing to run away from this, or am I committing a grave dishonour?

only to yourself if you marry someone you dont want :)

[Crystle9827]

i have good news for you... Islamically you have every right to refuse a forced marriage

They say I don't and that refusing would be disobeying Allah.

dont run away, you could be an example to others

I was thinking of running away to my boyfriends house, but I can see now why that would be a bad idea.

[Lonely Gal]

please dont run away, but dont go into this marriage if u dont want to, cos if u do, there is a chance it may not work and then u'l be in more serious issues than this, keep refusing and explain ur reasons to the family..

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[Crystle9827]

Is there no way you can get a local Imam or wise member of your family that would be able to explain to your parents that what they are doing is wrong?

All of my family I am in contact with, that actually has a say that is, agrees with this. Our Imam knows of this and agrees with it, and has offered to even help set up the wedding.

Sister, you should know that having a boyfriend is haraam too. And yes, running to his house would be totally dishonourable and unacceptable behaviour.

Oh, it is? Then what should I do with him? I like him, and he's very nice, but I just started seeing him last week. Did I do something very wrong?

Also, marrying cousins is not forbidden under Islam (just so you know).

But isn't it incest?

[MO783]

running away is not the answer

[Crystle9827]

You've specifically told him that you object to it? Are there any other imams or religious people you could get in touch with?

I have specifically told him, and none else in the area. Not that I know of anyway.

Sis, I'd advise you cut contact with the guy.

Okay, I'll do it, so I should just focus on this issue at hand. It's driving me crazy....

No. In Islam, it would be incest to marry "mahrams" - an uncle/brother/father/grandfather/son etc.

I've talked to people around here and at my school, and they claimed it was incest, so I just assumed. They claimed it could lead to children with birth defects and such.

[akulion]

Salam Alaikum,

What country are you living in?
If you are anywhere in Europe or North America, you should contact the police and stop this forced action against you. Islam gives you the right to choose your partner and no one can force anything upon you.

That is the only sound advice I can give you based on the limited information available.
Bro Aku

[Crystle9827]

What country are you living in?

I'm sorry I didn't say so before, I live in Indonesia. Hope that helps.

[akulion]

I do not know about the protection laws in Indonesia, but I would advise that if your parents are being forcible then you must protect yourself by getting the authorities involved. As ugly as it may sound, but sometimes it is necessary.

The rights Islam gives you can not be taken away by anyone, including parents. Things like child abuse, forced marriages, spousal abuse and other crimes are often treated lightly due to the lack of proper enforcement of the Islamic laws, but it does not mean that you should not seek justice.

I hope my advice will be of benefit to you. I have no other advice than the one I have given.

May Allah help you ameen.

Bro aku

[Crystle9827]

I do not know about the protection laws in Indonesia, but I would advise that if your parents are being forcible then you must protect yourself by getting the authorities involved. As ugly as it may sound, but sometimes it is necessary.

Well, it happens here a lot, as we are a Pakistani community, and the authorities I believe won't be much help. They want to me go to Pakistan in a few months to do the wedding, and that is when I will meet my cousin. Yeah, I haven't even met him yet.

[Zahida]

:sl: Running away is NOT the answer, you will just create more problems for yourself!!!

At 19 you seem to be very naive or sarcastic! Having a boyfriend is not allowed in Islam...................

Talk to your family and make a firm opposition to this marraige. Don't do anything silly that will blemish your name in the future or hurt your parents, they are doing what they think is right for you................

I had a 15 year old student who was in the same predicament as you. She acted very maturely and wisely and seeked support from the school. The whole matter was dealt with amicably and without the whole thing being blown out of proportion and the young girl is still at school preparing for exams.............

What i am trying to say is that there is a way of doing things..........
Good luck. Be wise.:w::)

[Crystle9827]

[QUOTE
Talk to your family and make a firm opposition to this marraige.[/QUOTE]

I have already, yet they do not care. I don't see how I can get them to call it off if their minds are set to it. They say its a matter of honor and wealth and it cannot be stopped. I'm not even allowed to see a picture of my cousin, as they say that would be haram.

[Cabdullahi]

They say I don't and that refusing would be disobeying Allah.



I was thinking of running away to my boyfriends house, but I can see now why that would be a bad idea.

^if anything is islamically wrong that is islamically wrong...marrying your cousin by being forced is haram ...also my dear running away with MR boyfriend is haram too..runaway love...are you serious!!? :( you must be joking..i like how when the decision of you parents which is obviously wrong troubles you...you are quick to say its haram but when it comes to haram relationship you are not so quick to say its absolutely a no! you are more relaxed but you are likely to suffer more if you dont listen to your parents and run of with this guy..talk! you girls can do that talk to your parents tell them you dont want your cousin and that you are not attracted to him,if that doesnt wk then get someone who is a knowledgable person like a sheikh to speak to your parents..and dump the old ''get in your blouse' insect

[islamlover_girl]

Let us look at what Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him said regarding this issue:

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as having said: "A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him): How her (virgin's) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps silence. (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3303)"

Allah Almighty said in the Noble Quran: "O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"

The following Saying is an explanation to Noble Verse 4

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "About the Qur'anic verse: 'It is not lawful for you forcibly to inherit the woman (of your deceased kinsmen), nor (that) ye should put constraint upon them.' When a man died, his relatives had more right to his wife then her own guardian. If any one of them wanted to marry her, he did so; or they married her (to some other person), and if they did not want to marry her, they did so. So this verse was revealed about the matter. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2084)" So according to Noble Verse 4:19, a woman can not be forced into marriage by any mean.

Narrated AbuHurayrah: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: An orphan virgin girl should be consulted about herself; if she says nothing that indicates her permission, but if she refuses, the authority of the guardian cannot be exercised against her will. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2088)"

Narrated Abdullah ibn Umar: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: Consult women about (the marriage of) their daughters. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2090)"

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "A virgin came to the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) allowed her to exercise her choice. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2091)"

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: A guardian has no concern with a woman previously married and has no husband, and an orphan girl (i.e. virgin) must be consulted, her silence being her acceptance. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2095)"

The above Noble Verse 4:19 and the Sayings of our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him clearly explain that according to Islam, whether the woman is virgin or not, her permission is a MUST. Her father or older brother can not force her into marriage as the Pagan Arabs and the Jews and Christians before Islam in the Middle East used to do; see Deuteronomy 25:5 in the Bible to see how women are forced into marriage.



Can the woman divorce herself from a forced marriage upon her?
As we've seen above, it is clearly forbidden in Islam to force women into marriage. But in case this ever should happen or have happened already to any woman, then Islam allows for her to divorce herself from the man she was forced to marry. Let us read the following:

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: "A virgin came to the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) allowed her to exercise her choice. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2091)"

The choice that our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him gave to the woman is she can either remain married to the man, or divorce herself from him.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

I have already, yet they do not care. I don't see how I can get them to call it off if their minds are set to it. They say its a matter of honor and wealth and it cannot be stopped. I'm not even allowed to see a picture of my cousin, as they say that would be haram.

just say no...what is the worst they could do...
no all the way man :p you have a right to be happily married to the man you choose...grab the opportunity with both hands i reckon :statisfie

and also, about your bf, get rid of him too :)

all the best :)

[Muhaba]

why not ask to meet your cousin first and get to know him. if you still don't want to marry him after that, tell your parents and hopefully they'll understand. having a boyfriend is haram in Islam but if you want to marry your bf, then tell your parents (that you don't want to marry your cousin and instead want to marry this guy. have your bf & his family meet your parents.)

[Crystle9827]

why not ask to meet your cousin first and get to know him.

Well they say I cannot even see him until the wedding.

just say no...what is the worst they could do...

They'll disown me and I will go homeless.

you girls can do that talk to your parents tell them you dont want your cousin and that you are not attracted to him

Well, I have no idea if he is attractive to me, but it seems futile to talk, as they bring up honour and wealth whenever I try to talk with them about it. They say I'll be severely punished if I continue to object.

and also, about your bf, get rid of him too

I already have.

[Crystle9827]

Well my parents, in response to my firm opposition to this marriage, recently threw dishes at me and brandished a pole and tried to hit me. They have never done this to me before, but they are making it clear that this marriage has to happen, and I have no choice....

[aadil77]

I have already, yet they do not care. I don't see how I can get them to call it off if their minds are set to it. They say its a matter of honor and wealth and it cannot be stopped. I'm not even allowed to see a picture of my cousin, as they say that would be haram

That would be haram? What would be haram is forcing you into a marriage which won't be valid in the first place.

This is the kind of backward paki thinking I get in my own family as well, they have no idea of whats right and wrong and they make up their own bs rules which must be obeyed.

Make your desicion and the islamic view clear to them, and make it clear they have no right to hit you over something which is your right to decide over. I'd get the police involved they should help prevent this forced marriage from taking place

[Crystle9827]

I'm not sure if the police can help, as in my area, this is quite common and probably legal.

[aadil77]

I'm not sure if the police can help, as in my area, this is quite common and probably legal.

You live in indonesia, its full of muslims, why can't you a scholar or an imam to help you out, they can't all be supporting your family?

[Zahida]

:sl: This is so sad and very concrning, your parents have now turned to violence in order to get their own needs met.............. This is HARAM..........

Little one do you not have the support of family around you, maybe an older relative.

I am concerned as prior to this you were thinking of running away. I still am against this, but is there somewhere you can go for a while to seek refuge, maybe from a distance your parents may listen to you................

DO NOT however give in to them. Please. I have seen this thing happen too often, unfortunaetly within my own family too, in the end it will be you that suffers.......

There must be a way. If you have family i recommend that you approach them and let them know what is happening. I sincerely hope the best for you.

Please keep us informed of your situation as we are all to support you, any which way we can. Ameen.:w::cry:

[Crystle9827]

What do you mean by if I have family? Of course I do, they are the ones causing this predicament.

[Crystle9827]

You live in indonesia, its full of muslims, why can't you a scholar or an imam to help you out, they can't all be supporting your family?

The ones around here do.

[Zahida]

:sl: I am sorry but i find your attitude very difficult. What i MEAN is do you have family that understand your predicament and can/willing to help you...................

Maybe you should not post a thread if you cannot take what is being offered to you. This is the second time that i find your attitude very difficult to understand..................

Everyone has problems little one, no need for the attitude, you also approached brother Alpha with a very negative answer when all he was doing was giving you good advice................

Good luck.:w:QUOTE=Crystle9827;1116426]What do you mean by if I have family? Of course I do, they are the ones causing this predicament.[/QUOTE]

[//-Asif-\\]

Assalam Alaikum.

Now I don't mean to be insensitive or the like but this predicament you're in seems ridiculously fishy. You have no form of help/sympathy/advisers other than an Islamic message board? Everyone on your side of Indonesia is against you and on your parents side to the point where it almost seems like it's hopeless?

Indonesia is jam packed with Muslims so I'm sure theres some that are rightly guided and can bring justice to you and the situation. If not in your wacky side of town than perhaps another side. Heck, you're on the internet, find all your mosques in your area or Islamic hotlines or what have you and give them your predicament and I'm sure somebody would come down there to help you out.

It's obvious that your parents view of Islam is warped and drenched in the negatives of Pakistani culture, the whole honor/wealth superficial nonsense. So if your area has that same idea, than go outside of it. Running away like those have said earlier won't make things better. And I'm sure if you yourself were a bit more knowledgeable of the in and outs of Islam, you could deal with this better. Instead your mingling with a boyfriend and believing friends at school saying that marrying cousins is incest.

I don't know. It just seems like whatever advice everyone is giving you, which is all good sound advice, it keeps getting shot down out of the hopelessness of your situation to the point that I can't completely believe you.

[Yanal]

Marrying cousins is allowed but barely /rarely known in families. Running away would be disobeying your parents therefore your disobeying Allah in a way. Don't do it. What are you going to do as a job ? Where are you going to live? Where are you going to run away to? Carefully consider these questions then think about the advantages of running away and take your decision wisely as this decision will effect where you're life will stand and which standard it will be at in the eyes of Allah. All the very best.

[Woodrow]

I'm sorry I didn't say so before, I live in Indonesia. Hope that helps.

Forced marriages are generally the result of a country culture. I do not recall that being part of Indonesian culture. I am reasonably certain forced marriages are illegal in Indonesia. Perhaps some of our other Indonesian members will see this thread and be able to give you advice specific for Indonesia.

[aadil77]

The ones around here do.

Indonesia is not an Islamic country, so they probably have stricter laws about forced marriages because of immigration, maybe. Get the police involved, unless you want to go along with this.

[anonymous]

salaam,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, sister. But if you think your parents don't have a right to force you into marriage, well then neither have u got the right to make a boyfriend. If we are declaring Islam for our parents, then we should also be following it ourselves.

Sister, I wouldn't advise you to hold an argument about this with your parents at the moment, and put yourself in much difficulty. Because it may be that when u see him, you like him. Or it may be that if u don't like him straight away, u will get to like him. It may be that he is good for you. Give it a chance sister, as Allaah :arabic2: says in the Qur'aan that it may be that u don't like a thing but it is good for you, and you which u like is bad for you.

As for boyfriends, keep faaaaar away from them - they only ruin your life.

[Shah4Justice]

:sl:
Sister there is absolutely no need to worry. First of all start reciting Surah 113 & 114 of the Holy Quran, whenever u can.
I will not lecture u about Islam or modesty since Allah & his Prophet p.b.u.h have given us a BOOK and the best example (Prophet's life), to make our decisions and find solutions to our problems.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ أَطِيعُواْ اللّهَ وَأَطِيعُواْ الرَّسُولَ وَأُوْلِي الأَمْرِ مِنكُمْ فَإِن تَنَازَعْتُمْ فِي شَيْءٍ فَرُدُّوهُ إِلَى اللّهِ وَالرَّسُولِ إِن كُنتُمْ تُؤْمِنُونَ بِاللّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الآخِرِ ذَلِكَ خَيْرٌ وَأَحْسَنُ تَأْوِيلاً (4:59)

4:59 (Y. Ali) O ye who believe! Obey Allah, and obey the Messenger, and those charged with authority among you. If ye differ in anything among yourselves, refer it to Allah and His Messenger, if ye do believe in Allah and the Last Day: That is best, and most suitable for final determination.

Present your parents THIS way of resolving the issue and miraculously Allah s.w.t will find the best way for you and your family. Insha Allah :smile:

:w:

[Shah4Justice]

:sl:

Advice & Prayer for us regarding our parents...

17:24 and spread over them humbly the wings of thy tenderness, [28] and say: "O my Sustainer! Bestow Thy grace upon them, even as they cherished and reared me when I was a child!"

One of the greatest blessings from Allah s.w.t, is our PARENTS :Alhumdill

[Crystle9827]

Indonesia is not an Islamic country, so they probably have stricter laws about forced marriages because of immigration, maybe. Get the police involved, unless you want to go along with this.

Our area is islamic (Indonesia is slowly becoming "islamic") and plus theres no immigration into Indoesnia involved in this.

Perhaps some of our other Indonesian members will see this thread and be able to give you advice specific for Indonesia

Thank you, I mean I do appreciate it that, but it is common over here.

What are you going to do as a job ? Where are you going to live? Where are you going to run away to?

I'm not sure, but I guess any place would be better than here with this situation in place.

I don't know. It just seems like whatever advice everyone is giving you, which is all good sound advice, it keeps getting shot down out of the hopelessness of your situation to the point that I can't completely believe you.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean or where you're coming from. Sorry.