Harder for a female than male when it comes to finding a spouse

[celina]

Aslam allaykum

I am new to these post, I was browsing through some posts and I noticed that there was discussion going on about what things would you not like in a female spouse. A lot of the brothers listed a long criteria which is fair enough, but have you ever thought how it is like for a female when she is about to get married?. Trust me it is harder for the sisters, even if there are a lot of flaws in a male spouse but she will have to marry him but the female has to be perfect in all every way.

[convert]

I disagree. Men have to jump through all sorts of hoops at every step along the way, women just have to sit back and say yay or nay.

[Tilmeez]

Does it mean lots of sisters are perfect, Mashallah, and brothers have lots of flaws / shortcomings? :?

Its only our thinking that we follow. I know what a brother or a sister has in mind when he or she is thinking of marriage.

Whenever anyone will try to get as many as possible benefits from marriage the likelyhood of disappointment will increase.

I think marriage as:
a. Natural Need of an(y) individual
b. Sunnah of Holy Prophet (S.A.W)

Its mean of peace, love and pleasure.

Wsalam

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

I disagree. Men have to jump through all sorts of hoops at every step along the way, women just have to sit back and say yay or nay.

wrong...

@thread starter, sis it depends on the guy/family i think. not everyone's like that..i doubt it :)

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[convert]

:sl:

wrong...

@thread starter, sis it depends on the guy/family i think. not everyone's like that..i doubt it :)

right

both people are going to have trouble finding someone. in my case, its much harder since i dont have hardly any community support and no family to help me. and.. well... no dating.

basically, i stand by my statement. men have to do all the "wooing" and the women give thumbs up or thumbs down.

[celina]

Aslam

Thanyou brothers for your response, I still feel it is a bit harder for a women she has a lot of emotional feelings and needs, she also has to be perfect, a lot of the brothers said in another post that a women needs to beautiful and, practising (this is important). Yes you can find a lot of women who are good looking and practising in deen but could what if a women wanted this in a man too. Im my opinion a persons really beauty is personality. However I agree with the brother who said he has no family and community, brother you have Allah

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
@convert: wrong!

women have to look good. women have to be in a certain age group. women have to know how to cook, clean and look after kids, not only in their own home (if they even get one) but in their husbands family's home.
women have to face hardship from not only their husbands family but also their own if she doesn't "cut-it."

some women are even forced into work to provide for their husbands (:raging:) and kids. come on, where is the sense of pride?! really :exhausted

Basically: women are usually the backbone in keeping a marriage strong---> for eg, dont qualify for any of the above and you'll not only have your husbands family frowning upon you, but even worse, your own. ahh dont ya just love feeling loved and cared for :exhausted

another eg would be putting up with obeying their husband (not a bad thing itself) or face the threat of divorce or polygamy if they don't...

alot of women are patronized and "bullied" in marriage because of culture. for eg women have to let go of so some things they may want in a potential husband, because she either has to wait for someone she really wants which wont happen till she's like 50 but becuase no-one will marry her when she's 50, ends up marrying someone she may not be satisfied with. :(

women don't get affection from their husbands for fear of his ego being somehow deflated because somehow if he shows affection to her she's gna become the man of the house and compete with him...oh lord above!


oh and when she asks for the things that a potential may ask in her, again its frowned upon. oh and have fun being a women and being a part of a culture where its rude for the girl/family to ask the guy/his family...or when you come from a large family of girls and happen to be apart of a culture that only marry their daughter off in order of age! older sister is having trouble finding a husband, younger sister is ready to get married, but lo and behold has to wait till her older sister is married off but by the time that happens the younger sister is too old herself! oh the lovely word we live in *rolls eyes*

i'm not saying you brothers don't go through hardships, im sure you do, but to say we get it easier is really ignorant.

[convert]

:sl:
wrong.

women have to look good. women have to be in a certain age group. women have to know how to cook, clean and look after kids, not only in their own home (if they even get one) but in their husbands family's home.
women have to face hardship from not only their husbands family but also their own if she doesn't "cut-it."

some women are even forced into work to provide for their husbands (:raging:) and kids. come on, where is the sense of pride?! really :exhausted

Basically: women are usually the backbone in keeping a marriage strong---> dont do/have any of the above and you'll not only have your husbands family frowning upon you, but even worse, your own. ahh dont ya just love feeling loved and cared for :exhausted

women have to put up with obeying their husband (not a bad thing itself) or face the threat of divorce or polygamy if they dont...

alot of women are patronized and "bullied" in marriage because of culture. for eg women have to let go of so some things they may want in a potential husband, because she either has to wait for someone she really wants which wont happen till she's like 50 but becuase no-one will marry her when she's 50, ends up marrying someone she may not be satisfied with.

i'm not saying you brothers don't go through hardships, im sure you do, but to say we get it easier is really ignorant.

sister, women have some ridiculous expectations too. refer to the thread where the sister is going to reject a proposal because he doesn't want to change diapers.

so far as culture, i honestly dont see why you sisters allow yourselves to be burdened with that.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

sister, women have some ridiculous expectations too.

i dont deny that.

so far as culture, i honestly dont see why you sisters allow yourselves to be burdened with that.

because we dont have any other choice!

[celina]

Brother I do agree with you, I am a 24 year old nearly divorcee and I believe that Allah has give me everything but me and me husband split because he just couldn't use his own mind and refused to cut short a little bit of his social life for me, he couldn't save his marriage because he was spoits. Would you believe he was 26 year old graduate? I did more than cooking and trust me I put up with his family who weren't easy. I respected them, agreed to abandon my career, even cut off with my family purely for my husband.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

even cut off with my family purely for my husband.

omg, how could i have forgotten that one. that and her putting up with him slandering and ridiculing her family ^o) :mad:

[Ali_008]

:sl:

I guess it basically depends on the character of the husband and wife. Some people are so pessimistic and sadistic that if they're hurt they don't care about anything not the past, present or future and just want to get seperated. If the husband and wife understand the responsibility they have on their shoulders towards each other and overlook each others faults to some extent then every marriage will be a happy one as long as the sacrifices from both sides are acknowledged.....

:w:

[nebula]

i think its harder for a male in the beginning to be honest, im talking about looking for a good sister here, coz the brother has to do so much stuff and the sisters they can sit back and relax coz they know a brother will probably inquire about that sister sooner or later but for the brothers! lol whos gnna come to our wali's lol. i agree with bro convert tbh. But yeah it evens out the wife after marriage has alot of stuff to go through too, especially if ur marrying a paki brother lol. :nervous:

[celina]

A women has to make a lot of sacrifices, she has to leave her family even move away really far as I had done, but still there is so many expectations from her, I guess it really hurts after so much effort one is still not appreciated. Women don't just sit back there is a lot on their plate too. And when a women is divorced its even harder for her to find a right person, and for a man it is easier I am not saying very easy.

[convert]

Sister, I believe we need to clarify what you are referring to. Are you referring to actually finding a spouse? You seem to be talking about issues that arise once you actually find a spouse.

[celina]

Brother I am talking about both no I am not particularly looking for a spouse, I was married, and Im just combining my experience with issues that I have mentioned. I am sorry to confuse, do you understand now brother.

[convert]

I've never been married (although I was in a few relationships before I converted) so I don't quite follow the other points, especially the cultural nonsense that people keep themselves tethered to for some strange reason.

Just keep in mind ladies: we guys go through the exact same things PLUS the burden of trying to keep you interested enough to say yes.

[celina]

Brother thankyou and welcome to islam as you are a convert althought dont't people who enter islam call themselves reverts?

The question of culture thing, yes i agree with you it is total nonsense, but sometimes we have no choice, in my culture we had to to marry people of the same cast, but my experience has totally changed my parents perspective infact a lot of my relative don't believe in culture etc. But I believe in the respect and family orientiated side of it. Brother I know you guys also go through a lot but my husband has made me negative about men, I know I shouldn't be but I keep thinking they are all the same.

[Muhaba]

:sl:
@convert: wrong!

Couldn't have said it better myself!

[celina]

:sl:
@convert: wrong!

women have to look good. women have to be in a certain age group. women have to know how to cook, clean and look after kids, not only in their own home (if they even get one) but in their husbands family's home.
women have to face hardship from not only their husbands family but also their own if she doesn't "cut-it."

some women are even forced into work to provide for their husbands (:raging:) and kids. come on, where is the sense of pride?! really :exhausted

Basically: women are usually the backbone in keeping a marriage strong---> for eg, dont qualify for any of the above and you'll not only have your husbands family frowning upon you, but even worse, your own. ahh dont ya just love feeling loved and cared for :exhausted

another eg would be putting up with obeying their husband (not a bad thing itself) or face the threat of divorce or polygamy if they don't...

alot of women are patronized and "bullied" in marriage because of culture. for eg women have to let go of so some things they may want in a potential husband, because she either has to wait for someone she really wants which wont happen till she's like 50 but becuase no-one will marry her when she's 50, ends up marrying someone she may not be satisfied with. :(

women don't get affection from their husbands for fear of his ego being somehow deflated because somehow if he shows affection to her she's gna become the man of the house and compete with him...oh lord above!


oh and when she asks for the things that a potential may ask in her, again its frowned upon. oh and have fun being a women and being a part of a culture where its rude for the girl/family to ask the guy/his family...or when you come from a large family of girls and happen to be apart of a culture that only marry their daughter off in order of age! older sister is having trouble finding a husband, younger sister is ready to get married, but lo and behold has to wait till her older sister is married off but by the time that happens the younger sister is too old herself! oh the lovely word we live in *rolls eyes*

i'm not saying you brothers don't go through hardships, im sure you do, but to say we get it easier is really ignorant.

Totally agree sister, thankyou.

[GuestFellow]

Aslam allaykum

I am new to these post, I was browsing through some posts and I noticed that there was discussion going on about what things would you not like in a female spouse. A lot of the brothers listed a long criteria which is fair enough, but have you ever thought how it is like for a female when she is about to get married?. Trust me it is harder for the sisters, even if there are a lot of flaws in a male spouse but she will have to marry him but the female has to be perfect in all every way.

Asslamu Alikum

I think it is harder for the women to some extent. They do not usually have the financial burden but they need to meet a certain expectation to fulfil their duties such as looking after the children so on.

For a guy, all I have to do go work. If I dislike that job, I can leave and find another. I do have responsibility for the children but women can get easily tired and frustrated due to her menstrual cycle period and other pressures. Cleaning the house, cooking and looking after the children can be very hard.

A woman does not have that luxury that she can simply neglect looking after the children, and her duties. It is a full time job and can be very stressful.

Though that is my personal opinion. If I ever get married, I guess I would try to help my wife in every way. The only thing I wouldn't do is the diapers work. :p

If I did get married to a women who did not happen to have a strong faith in Islam, I wouldn't force or pressure her to change. I would encourage her. I know married men expect too much from women. They need to be patient. I would try to focus on keeping her happy.

[convert]

once again, a lot of you are thinking "who has it harder once you are already married?"

its much harder for men. ive been looking for like 2 years now and have gotten everything in the book: not practicing enough, too practicing, "you're only a musilm for my daughter you kafir", you're not from back home, etc etc etc.

like i said: women just have to say yay or nay. we gotta do the hard stuff.

[Clover]

I think it's 50-50. It is probably different for every individual. It is going to be hard for me, cause I am partly insane, and my beliefs are very different. I personally don't care though. If she is out there, I will find her, and she won't hate my beliefs, or **** me for them, she will embrace them, and believe what she wants.

[crayon]

It's hard for females and it's hard for males- and I'm pretty sure hermaphrodites have it the hardest! What is the point of winning this pointless argument? We live in an age where keeping things halal is made difficult, marriage and everything else included.

May Allah grant us all with pious husbands and wives that will ease our hardships- verily with hardship there is ease.

[hailetofy]

I totally agree with umul shaheed, man!!!! We go thru hell befor the yes or no. I hate proposals.... U are left to make a decision on your own, the decision u make, might cause you cut off ties with yr family jus for some crappy man who wnt even acknowlege that..n confidently says women jus sit back n say yay or nay!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do pray inshaallah that almighty guide us all in making the right decision.

[alcurad]

crayon; a little technicality, but I don't believe there is such a thing as a true hermaphrodite, Pseudo-hermaphrodite is the proper term.
surgery usually helps, but yeah, they'd have a very tough time indeed form what I've heard.

either way, don't over think it, marriage will come, or it won't, just do your thing and be content with what you have, actually scrap that, work to improve yourself as much as you can, become a better person, otherwise the guy/gal of your dreams won't be so easy to some by, Then be content.

[Zafran]

salaam

Yes its harder for women mostly - but it does matter about the culture. Some cultures make it very difficlut for women.

peace

[Deep Cove]

Asalam Alaykum.

A concidence is that my friends and I,were discussing this the other day because my friends sisters marraige was called off for some reason due to his sisters refusal. Her brother stated a few days ago to me that "She shouldn't have refused,its hard for females to get married but for guys,they get married easily." The true fact is that,you should take time and patience when coming to chose one nothing like "eeny meeni mino mo" it is a life decision that will remain with you forever including in Paradise, These desicions should not be taken without proper consultation and knowledge. Over that it should be halal(for muslims).Amin,to all duas on this thread.

:)

[celina]

May Allah ease all our problems..ameen.

I pray for all that are looking for a righteouse person inshALLAH. My purpose wasn't to create an argument here but to get brothers and sisters views and infact make them realise that it can harder both ways, even though I still think women struggle more when finding a person and even after marriage.

[Ali_008]

^^Brother convert, I suggest you to have a look at this thread. If anything works out, do inform us. :) :statisfie :p


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