Need Help (on Poetry)

[Beardo]

We need CRITICISM!! Please critique. I need to know the faults in this.

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The Next World
By: Raakin Hossain & Rashad Abdullah


Running rivers,
Pens quiver,
Suddenly it all ends,
On that day our life depends,

Fifty, sixty, possibly seventy years,
Life is so short, so mere,
Our deeds measured on the scale,
No money or worldly possessions can bail,

The Qur’aan and Sunnah should we heed,
For on that day it is that which will supplement that one need,
On which we shall receive eternal bliss,
Requires the avoidance of Satan’s hiss,

The car, the house,
The relations, the spouse,
All to no avail,
Our faces so pale,

On that day shall we realize,
That this world is all deception, all lies,
No power, no wealth,
And all shall turn us down, including our health,

Life is neither nightmare nor dream,
No matter how ugly or beautiful it may seem,
For the gold does not truly glitter,
This life is nothing but for us bitter,

The true essence is embedded within the realms of our hearts,
And not how much balance or what we have in our materialistic shopping carts,
We have our bumps,
And life has its lumps,

And to conclude is this,
The world has nothing to miss.

[Hayaa]

Assalaamualaykum,

I like how the message relayed in the poem is straightforward.

Maybe you could change the last line so that it fits better with the rest of the stanza.

The car, the house,
The relations, the spouse,
All to no avail,
Our faces so pale,

Or, you could disregard my comment incase there was a hidden meaning that I failed to notice behind that particular line.

Overall, the poem carries an important reminder for all of us! Jazakallahu khairan.

[Beardo]

hmm... That's a good point. I'm trying to think of a different line.

"And the torments shall arrive like hail"

"And life will be made a jail"

[Tony]

"Will cause you to fail
coz a souls not for sale"

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[Beardo]

Oh, "Fail" was a good word to use in that. Jazax Bro Tony.

[Tony]

Oh, "Fail" was a good word to use in that. Jazax Bro Tony.

no worries, you know its about pictures too "for sale" links thought by pictures to car and house and reinforces your msg and gives descritpion of the msg picture and words therefore drewing the reader into the msg further (hope that makes sense bro)

[Cabdullahi]

assonance is key and so are multisyllables

for example

Running rivers,
Pens quiver,
Suddenly it all ends,
On that day our life depends,

the above is a strong start but it can be tweaked

Running rivers,
Pens quiver,
a Sudden end,
on that vehement day our life depends,
scattered sentiments all together now as if it were sediment


Fifty, sixty, possibly seventy years,
Life is so short, so mere,

Two beautiful lines but i still think you can add two or more words that rhymes with ''Fifty, sixty''

Fifty, sixty, possibly seventy years,
life is swiftly geared to abruplty come to a finish, so mere,

my favourite line/s....simply because of the imagery

''The true essence is embedded within the realms of our hearts,
And not how much balance or what we have in our materialistic shopping carts,''


Its a very very good poem as it is already

[Cabdullahi]

The car, the house,
The relations, the spouse,
All to no avail,
Our faces so pale,

you could add imagery here

The car, the house,
The relations, the spouse,
All to no avail,
it seem the world is the hammer and im the nail

[Snowflake]

The true essence is embedded within the realms of our hearts -
And not how much balance or what we have in our materialistic shopping carts -

^reduce

We have our bumps -
And life has its lumps -

^increase



The essence of faith is found deep in the hearts
Lighter than air! Yet heavier than shopping carts
The path of life may be bumpy, and full of rocks
But if you walk for Allah, you'll be walking it in silken socks (<edited) can't make up my mind

[Tony]

^^^ thats what its all about :D
So eHafiz post some more brother we are eagerley awaiting

[Muhaba]

why not have two line stanzas instead of four line stanzas. For example:

Fifty, sixty, possibly seventy years,
Life is so short, so mere,
Our deeds measured on the scale,
No money or worldly possessions can bail,

can be changed to:

Fifty, sixty, possibly seventy years,
Life is so short, so mere,

Our deeds measured on the scale,
No money or worldly possessions can bail,