jealousy in marriage

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
i was just discussing the issue of gheerah in marriage with my mum.

I say that if there is no necessity to talk to the opposite gender, then it is perfectly legitimate that a husband/wife get jealous over one another. for example, the husband is a shiekh and hence gets women asking him about some issues they may have (necessity, thus jealously not justified)
the husband says "good day/how are you" to their neighbor (not necessary, thus jealousy justified)


my mum says, there is something wrong with that husband/wife, that every time one talks to the opposite gender (whether in necessity or not), the other gets jealous. she also mentioned that there needs to be trust.

but to me, it isnt about trust, is it? for the reason that
a) when a couple gets jealous over one another, its not that they dont trust the other, its more like i guess the divided attention that they are reciveing. and
b)
for me personally, they shouldn't be tlking to the opposite gender without a good reason to begin

i think that it is perfectly legit to get jealous over a small (unnecessary )conversation? why do they need to talk to the opposite gender without reason anyway? trust isnt the issue here, and if there is no reason to talk to the opposite gender, then i think each party should respect the other's jealously as this not only develops respect, but also this helps to develop and preserve their piety as well.

am i over reacting? islamically speaking, what are the limits one can have in their gheerah towards their spouse?

[Twitch]

I don't think saying 'good day to ones neighbours warrents jealousy. That's definitely OTT. Muslims are encouraged to keep up good relationships with their neighbours.

There's a clear line between jealousy (e.g due to a woman texting your husband) and over-possessiveness/bunny boiler.

[Humbler_359]

:sl:

Lol. Yes, you are overreacting. It is correct that we need to built trust on what your mom said. :D

she also mentioned that there needs to be trust.

[S_87]

in the perfect world men would only talk to their mahram women and wives and vice versa.

i think to get jealous over every woman your husband talks to is over the top. for example if he had a cousin he grew up with like a sister and keeps up good relations with her, not toooo close but you know, salam how are you and that, or a older woman who helped raise him but he wasnt mahram to her but he still respects her or someone at work he talks respectfully with without going over the limits, what would you say to situations like that which arent 'necessary' per se

as for the trust thing, yes there needs to be trust but on the other hand being too trusting on both sides can lead to consequences too. its a balance and although we can say its like this and this, in a situation are you really going to get jealous over your husband if he is being polite to a much older woman? (the older woman thing-culture thing lol)

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[Salahudeen]

I understand how you feel sis, I would get hurt if I saw my wife just look at another guy in a wrong way, it's jus the way I am, get jealous easily when i love the person.

when I marry I don't plan to speak with no women whom it's not halal for me to speak with unless there's a necessity, and I expect my wife to do the same. I wouldn't like her to smile and say hello to my neighbour unless the neighbour was a women.

I'm sure you know the saying,

"it starts with a look, then a smile, then conversation, then a meeting place, then zina"

I think it's perfectly justified for you to expect your husband to not talk with female neighbours or any non mehram women without necessity, he can jus talk to the male neighbours if he has to talk to them.

I blank the women who lives next door all the time, but I'm friendly as anyone with her husband.

"people may say I'm rude, but I don't care if I'm rude towards women who are nothing to do with me, it's my immediate family Islam teaches me to look after, my wife, my sister, my mum".

and for a man to talk to a women in anyway he has to look at her, what if she's attractive to him and shaytaan puts a desire in his heart for her. And this is why even looking at the opposite gender after the first look isn't allowed and you have to lower your gaze, never mind talking with them.

and in the time of the prophet pbuh, there was none of this mixing unless there was a neccessity, when they would leave the masjid the men and women would all walk on 1 particular side of the road so they avoid mixing.

I think you should watch this link sis, it's only 5 mins long about free mixing, the brother sums up how I feel about it :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2LKS57ju38

let me know what you think about it^^

[cat eyes]

:sl:there's no need for jealousy as long as both partners follow the proper islamic guidelines and there is many married couples who don't thats where things spiral out of control in the marriage so i believe its not the spouses fault if he/she gets jealous if they see there husband doing something he is not even mean't to be doing in the first place the same applies to the wife.

[Salahudeen]

^ true if both partners follow Islamic guidlines then there won't be jealousy.

[Ansariyah]

Theres nothing wrong wit greeting the opp gender, isnt that a petty thing to get jealous about. Rasululah (saw) used to greet men & women.

[Salahudeen]

please delete mod, mistake double post.

[Salahudeen]

Theres nothing wrong wit greeting the opp gender, isnt that a petty thing to get jealous about. Rasululah (saw) used to greet men & women.

^ It seems Imam maalik who was much more knowledgeable than both of us could ever dream of, disagree's with you sister.

Imam Maalik was asked: Can a woman be greeted with salaam? He said: With regard to the elderly woman, I do not regard that as makrooh, but with regard to the young woman, I do not like that.

Al-Zarqaani explained the reason why Maalik did not like that, in his commentary on al-Muwatta': Because of the fear of fitnah when he hears her returning the greeting.

In al-Adaab al-Shar'iyyah (1/370) it says: Ibn Muflih mentioned that Ibn Mansoor said to Imam Ahmad: (What about) greeting women with salaam? He said: If the woman is old there is nothing wrong with it.

Saalih (the son of Imam Ahmad) said: I asked my father about greeting women with salaam. He said: With regard to old women, there is nothing wrong with it, but with regard to young women, they should not be prompted to speak by being made to return the salaam.


Al-Nawawi said in his book al-Adhkaar (p. 407):

Our companions said: Women greeting women is like men greeting to men. But when it comes to women greeting men, if the woman is the man's wife, or his concubine, or one of his mahrams, then it is like him speaking to another man; it is mustahabb for either of them to initiate the greeting of salaam and the other is obliged to return the greeting. But if the woman is a stranger (non-mahram), if she is beautiful and there is the fear that he may be tempted by her, then the man should not greet her with salaam, and if he does then it is not permissible for her to reply; she should not initiate the greeting of salaam either, and if she does, she does not deserve a response. If he responds then this is makrooh.

If she is an old woman and he will not be tempted by her, then it is permissible for her to greet the man with salaam and for the man to return her salaams.

[جوري]

I despise jealousy and folks who act or are jealous.. I think it is an abominable trait except perhaps in a few things, jealousy when someone is more religious only with striving to be more religious or jealousy when someone is knowledgeable and with striving to be more knowledgeable..
jealousy breeds other disgusting traits like mistrust and envy and lack of belief in qadr..

If I were married and my husband pursued another woman, I would be very hurt, but I don't see how or why I should be jealous.. no one is really in control of how they feel.. you are only in control of how you react.. jealousy would be nonsensical at such a stage..

:wa:

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

its a balance and although we can say its like this and this, in a situation are you really going to get jealous over your husband if he is being polite to a much older woman?

noo, i didnt mean it like that :p yh older women, is obviously non-problematic and female non-mahrams i would expect (and wouldn't be too bothered with) a saying ":sl:" other then that i really dont see why the small talk is necessary? why is it important? why shouldn't it be a bother? really?
genuinely wondering, islamically, would it fall under idle chit chat hmmm....also, going by the fatwa that was previously posted, if some scholars say even the salaam isnt permissible between genders, then what about anything besides that :? blah i dno :heated:

It seems Imam maalik who was much more knowledgeable than both of us could ever dream of, disagree's with you sister.

i thought there was a difference of opinion

and for a man to talk to a women in anyway he has to look at her, what if she's attractive to him and shaytaan puts a desire in his heart for her.

fair point...i didnt even think of that.

If I were married and my husband pursued another woman, I would be very hurt, but I don't see how or why I should be jealous.. no one is really in control of how they feel.. you are only in control of how you react.. jealousy would be nonsensical at such a stage..

lol, it doesn't have to have reached that stage for some peoples jealousy to be stirred :P

[جوري]

lol, it doesn't have to have reached that stage for some peoples jealousy to be stirred :P

:sl:

I know, really maybe there is something wrong with me, but al7mdlillah, it is just not an emotion I have felt and I don't want to feel it.. I have had the gamut of other feelings though, despair, disappointment, loss, sadness, grief.. I don't need to add one more abomination to the list ;D

I have seen people on their absolute worst, things I don't want to describe here or mention that I am almost turned off from humans for life.. hard for me to think that I'd get jealous over someone saying assalmu A'lykoum, Or I hope you are well, or do you need some help. I'd hope to end up with someone with some semblance of good manners who gives up seats and says sincerely polite things to other people (men or women) and is kind to others...

:wa:

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
^or makes women miscarry like Umar, radiallahu anhu, due to his well respected and revered nature, as you mentioned in one other thread? :p ;D

[جوري]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
^or makes women miscarry like Umar, radiallahu anhu, due to his well respected and revered nature, as you mentioned in one other thread? :p ;D

Umar ibn ilkhtab (RA) paid his dues for involuntary man-slaughter:

Umar ibn al-Khattab (RA) was born 11 years after the year of the Elephant and accepted Islam when he was 27 years old. He saw described as to be a towering figure. Whenever he would be with any group, he would be the tallest amongst them. It was said that if one would see him from a distance in a group, it would seem that he was riding his mount whilst everybody around him was standing. He was very well built. He wasn’t over-weight but he had a lot of flesh on his bones but it was muscle. He was a wrestler in Jahiliyyah. His limbs were large. He was bald-headed. He was fair-skinned and there was some redness in his colour. He used henna in his hair. The tips of his moustache were long and he used to twist them in his fingers whenever he became upset. He was described as when he would walk he would walk fast, when he would speak you could definitely hear him and when he struck he would strike with strength. His presence was intimidating to his enemy and it would strike fear even in his friends. Once ‘Umar (RA) was walking and he turned around and saw a pregnant lady, and she then had a miscarriage. The Sahabah (RA) were then debating that if ‘Umar (RA) would have to pay blood money on that or not but ‘Ali (RA) then said that blood money was required to be paid but from Bayt al-Maal. When the enemies of Allah (SWT) would hear the name of ‘Umar (RA), their knees would shake and their hearts would tremble.

I doubt there are anymore umar (RA) left in this world -- just folks who want the hooris because, well I guess because they are misogynistic and have the occasional uncontrollable outburst!

:wa:

[syilla]

I doubt there are anymore umar (RA) left in this world -- just folks who want the hooris because, well I guess because they are misogynistic and have the occasional uncontrollable outburst!

:wa:

huhuhu... i doubt they can dream and get it or work for it until they tend to forget about the rewards.

for me jealousy is important...without jealousy you wont be protective..and of course there are limitations of everything.