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anonymous
02-08-2010, 02:19 PM
:sl:

I understand my duty to be married to a practicing Muslimah.

Allah's Apostle forbade 'Uthman bin Maz'un to abstain from marrying (and other pleasures) and if he had allowed him, we would have gotten ourselves castrated. (Sahih Bukhari)

The dilemma is that I don't want to marry a sister who isn't about practicing her din and doesn't care for her body and appearance. Is is superficial to want a pretty wife? I know there is a hadith that a man can marry for four reasons and religion is the best if we understood.

The Muslimah that are available or offered to me for marriage in the Masjid I am not attracted too. I feel ashamed that the sisters appear to have a good heart and practicing but they are just not weight proportionate with height. The future health risks of obesity, diabetes, etc. don't appeal to me. (I recognize that will open me up to criticism but I am just being truthful) The many I view who provide advice are usually the single Muslims.

The cultural differences plays a role in how the community opens the path for available Muslimah. There is no requirment for those who marry their cousins because they have seen them all their life. I don't want to marry a relative. The online choices available on Muslim websites presents the reality that I will need to pay the following: Relocation costs especially if the Muslimah is abroad, Their family may desire to also relocate, I don't expect to isolate my wife from her family. What in the world can I do.

I am not wealthy but can provide for a wife. I am a person who is content and raised in a Muslim family. I am not depressed. I enjoy the life Allah has decreed for me. The trial of not being married is one I pray and actively try to change.

I need practical advice. I am not seeking advice from single Muslims. They have all the answers but are not married themselves.

Please perform du'a for me. (Really need your du'a more than advice)
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hanif_
02-08-2010, 03:34 PM
:sl:

I am assuming you are a brother. The Prophet Muhammad ( صلى الله عليه و سلم) did provide the best guidance on choosing a Muslimah.



Sahih Al-Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.

If the priority of those four qualities of your potential mate is Iman and Taqwa then you should be successful.

But I acknowledge your dilemma. It is difficult to order a perfect mate. There is no key or method. You have no idea how a person will actually develop when you get married. The superficial qualities that attracted you may actually bring you apart. What if the mate gains weight are you going to divorce them for that? I know it is easy for a person to criticize someone else choices but your mate will require qualities other than beauty. That is where your Iman and Taqwa is required.

Your choices may require you to seek a culture that traditionally has a small structure if that what you are attracted. (Asians, Sub-Sahara Africa, etc)

My practical advice is go outside your area and inform Imams that you are seeking a practicing Muslimah. I have no idea what reaction you will receive if you state that you also seek beauty. All Muslimah are beautiful.

If you are able to support a wife then you should have no problem being blessed. Insha Allah.

I will put you in my du'a this evening. Insha Allah
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Ummu Sufyaan
02-09-2010, 09:19 AM
wa alaykum us-Salaam
i dont think its anything bad for a man to want to marry someone they find attractive. i do find however find it extremely extremely shallow when guys want their wives to look like the women on the catwalks and/or on the movie screens. such men need a good hiding and need to learn how to lower their gazes. badly.

i dont think it really boils down to iman and taqwa, perhaps to en extent. i think largely it has to do with how long you have been married to that person and/or how much you grow to love them. when you love someone, generally their bad qualities are overlooked. not because love is blind, but because you have grown to love and respect them, all these other good qualities about them have been "magnified" and the "little issues" (such as them putting on a little weight, etc) would have disappeared below underneath their "magnified" qualities.
its like a friendship. when you meet someone new you may notice a couple of annoying things about them. but as time goes on and as you get to know them, those annoying things are still there, however all their other good qualities would outweigh these annoying ones, hence making them unnoticeable.

you shouldn't underestimate the power, strength and motivation of a relationship...maybe its because you are still unmarried you dont see it, but (wallahu a3lam) these things will seem extremely minute once you marry, have lived with your companion for many years and get to know them really really well.

The future health risks of obesity, diabetes, etc. don't appeal to me. (I recognize that will open me up to criticism but I am just being truthful) The many I view who provide advice are usually the single Muslims.
bad health isnt meant to be appealing :hmm: its something internal, so how is that a put off? its something you cant even see. i dont understand :hmm:
here (no offence) you are being extremely shallow. you do realize that everyone at some point in their lives are going to contract something "weird"
btw, are you perfect yourself?
and also i dont understand why muslimahs online would be ok with it. what makes you think that :hmm:

i do think that the best thing to do though is to think outside the box by looking into other cultures. everyone has different mindsets and different ways of doing things so something completely existent in one culture, maybe completely absent in another.
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rehmanab
02-09-2010, 01:44 PM
Salaam,

I think its fine to marry someone you find attractive, but you must weigh out and balance other concerns, i.e. imaan etc.

Also, I would like to marry someone who will be the best Mother, I want my children to follow Islam fully and not be swayed by the western curruption i.e, clubs bars, women etc.

Im looking at matrimonial sites, any thoughts guys?
http://www.imuslimmarriage.com
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cat eyes
02-09-2010, 02:13 PM
:sl:

you want a pretty wife but what if her personality is absolutely disgusting sometimes?.. would you want a wife like that?. what makes you fall in love with a person in the first place is her heart i some times feel people who think like how you think brother have not seen the world i have seen marriages failing before my very eyes because they married for looks and practiced there religion little.

there was court battles over who the kids would stay with and everything just got dirty after a period of time and my friends brother CURSES the day he ever got married for beauty.. he curses it and he curses her because she left for another man and never believe you think you can change that person because nobody can change a person only Allah.. so all i would say brother is lower your startards please have a really beautiful wife can cause an awful lot of problems.

Nobody is telling you to marry some one over weight but what you have to understand is brother people are going to have there flaws.
:wa:
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Mohamed M
02-11-2010, 07:52 PM
Originally Posted by cat eyes
:sl:

Nobody is telling you to marry some one over weight but what you have to understand is brother people are going to have there flaws.
:wa:
i agree with that, i would not mind marrying a women with a big nose or small ears, its not her fault, she was born like that, i do however would mind if she was over weight, she was not born like that but made her self like that. I would understand if she had a disorder or problems but one of the main problems is over eating which is un-islamic.:hmm:
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Asiyah3
02-11-2010, 08:05 PM
Originally Posted by Mohamed M
i agree with that, i would not mind marrying a women with a big nose or small ears, its not her fault, she was born like that, i do however would mind if she was over weight, she was not born like that but made her self like that. I would understand if she had a disorder or problems but one of the main problems is over eating which is un-islamic.:hmm:
:sl:
And the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.” Narrated by Muslim, 1469.

Edit: May Allah grant you a beautiful and righteous wife
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AhmadibnNasroon
02-11-2010, 08:59 PM
I am not married so i can't tell you how to exactly go about this but I will say I've found asking Imams to be an utter waste of time. I'm not sure if others have shared similar experiences but more and more, Imams are not in tuned with their community and sorry to say, if you're not of the same background they won't help you. I've known of some situations where the Imam or the administration will tell a brother from another background to marry his own kind.

I'll just be honest with you, you're on your own for the most part.
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hanif_
02-11-2010, 09:17 PM
Originally Posted by AhmadibnPhilip
I am not married so i can't tell you how to exactly go about this but I will say I've found asking Imams to be an utter waste of time. I'm not sure if others have shared similar experiences but more and more, Imams are not in tuned with their community and sorry to say, if you're not of the same background they won't help you. I've known of some situations where the Imam or the administration will tell a brother from another background to marry his own kind.

I'll just be honest with you, you're on your own for the most part.

:sl:

There are many obstacles and challenges a Muslim not marrying within the community he was raised will arise when integrating into a community of an ethnic group different from their own. If a brother speaks the native language and especially arabi'a it becomes less difficult based upon our observance.

But you have to realize that the community has to ensure that the Muslimah rights will be honored and her housing and provisions paid by the brother requesting Nikah. The Muslim Community usually doesn't know the personal business of a brother unless he is active within the community.

It is definitely a vetting process. I really think if a brother wants to be happy continue to search for the Muslimah that fulfills the qualities they seek. The Muslimah will have standards also. Just because Muslim men seek specific qualities it doesn't ensure that the Muslimah will even consider the Nikah. She might not find you attractive. :statisfie
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syilla
02-12-2010, 01:35 AM
All the above advices are good... Alhamdulillah.

But remember don't be too choosy or you'll end up marrying someone who has the physical appearance which at first you don't like.
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AhmadibnNasroon
02-12-2010, 11:06 PM
Originally Posted by hanif_
:sl:

There are many obstacles and challenges a Muslim not marrying within the community he was raised will arise when integrating into a community of an ethnic group different from their own. If a brother speaks the native language and especially arabi'a it becomes less difficult based upon our observance.

But you have to realize that the community has to ensure that the Muslimah rights will be honored and her housing and provisions paid by the brother requesting Nikah. The Muslim Community usually doesn't know the personal business of a brother unless he is active within the community.

It is definitely a vetting process. I really think if a brother wants to be happy continue to search for the Muslimah that fulfills the qualities they seek. The Muslimah will have standards also. Just because Muslim men seek specific qualities it doesn't ensure that the Muslimah will even consider the Nikah. She might not find you attractive. :statisfie
Point taken but that wasn't what I was trying to say.

Ensuring the rights of a Muslimah has nothing to do with the person's ethnicity, niether does provisions.

As for knowing the brother, it doesn't matter, I've seen brothers who are very much a part of the "community" get rejected.

Language is a poor excuse as well especially when the girl and guy both speak english. Not only that but the families involved do as well. I'm not too sure with 3arabiya comes in this.

I don't see obstacles. I see human desires getting in the way of what is correct.

I'm Guyanese and I'll be the first to tell you Guyanese Indians are very racist. Right at my masjid members of the board told African American brothers to go marry their own kind.

My alerting the brother to this is just for him to be realistic and not think he can just get a particular sister from another background. We're living in a narrow minded society/time.
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