Would you agree to move in together with your husband's family?

[Asiyah3]

:sl:
This poll is meant for females. This subject entered my mind while browsing a thread. Would you live under the same roof with your husband's family?
Would you agree to move in together with them?

Edit: Males are allowed to express their opinions of course.

[Zarmina]

It depends, are they nice? If I will be a second class citizen, then no!

[CosmicPathos]

It depends, are they nice? If I will be a second class citizen, then no!

surprising that SOME Muslims would want non-Muslims to live as second class citizens in Islamic emirate but would not tolerate it themselves? At least that is the opinion of Dr. Israr Ahmed that dhimmis must live as second-class citizens in an ideal Islamic caliphate.

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:

:sl:

...Would you agree to move in together with them?

Well , i live in a joint family. Situations demands it . In future , may be , we will move to our own flat .

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[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

surprising that SOME Muslims would want non-Muslims to live as second class citizens in Islamic emirate but would not tolerate it themselves? .

Non-Muslims give Jizya and on return , they enjoy their religious freedom and won't have to join army when enemies attack the country .

How that can be comparable with a married woman who after becoming part of the family won't enjoy due love and respect from them ?

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:



Non-Muslims give Jizya and on return , they enjoy their religious freedom and won't have to join army when enemies attack the country .

How that can be comparable with a married woman who after becoming part of the family won't enjoy due love and respect from them ?

Its not comparable. I brought it up when the term "second class citizen" was used. Some of these women who feel they are being treated as second class citizens by in-laws are actually treated worse by their own parents, they just do not admit that.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

... Some of these women who feel they are being treated as second class citizens by in-laws are actually treated worse by their own parents, .

may be , they are treated worse by their own parents , it does not mean that in-laws have any right to mistreat them also .

Anyway , it's getting off topic.

[HopeFul]

I probably would, if thye'd let me :D

[manaal]

I would never permanently move in with my in laws. they are eally nice people and mum-in-law, is very friendly and loving towards me. But I would never live them forever, just like I'd never live in my mum's place for the rest of my life. I think it's best you live on your own once you are married and have kids. Give you independance and makes you do things your own way.

I did move in with my in laws, as temporary measure as my house was being renovated. It was ok, but it just was not home.

[Asiyah3]

:sl:
I voted no... Simply, I think I want my own house (this way more independence & doing things my way etc.) plus I wouldn't feel too comfortable there. Partly also because of the heard grievously resulted cases when the spouses have later willed to move into their own.

[Danah]

I wont be asking for separating a son from his family. At least for the first few years, as the new family will be still young with few members.

As for the privacy thingy, it can work out like this: having my own small section or say a department within the family house itself. So getting my own privacy and remaining with the family at the same time.

This is how it works for many families here as people are not that much into getting out of their families' houses after marriage. The concept of the big family is still exist in my society.

[SweetCherryPie]

:sl:
This poll is meant for females. This subject entered my mind while browsing a thread. Would you live under the same roof with your husband's family?
Would you agree to move in together with them?

I voted - depends.

It depends on the situation. Temporarily would be fine with me. Say for a year or so.

[manaal]

I wont be asking for separating a son from his family. At least for the first few years, as the new family will be still young with few members.

What about seprating a daughter from her family?

This is how it works for many families here as people are not that much into getting out of their families' houses after marriage. The concept of the big family is still exist in my society.

Where is "here"?

[Danah]

What about seprating a daughter from her family?

lol, its normal for the girl to leave with her man.........its not normal for a girl to marry and live with her husband in her family home.

Where is "here"?

Gulf Countries but to be more specifically UAE

[Intisar]

No way! Sorry, I need my privacy, I don't want to live with in laws. It's like I'm favoring them over my own parents, which I just can't bear the thought of. This is more of a cultural practice anyway, so it's not common in my cultural thankfully. I'm a big proponent for privacy and I'm pretty sure that with my type of personality it would probably cause a big rift with the family. I'm not saying I can't be respectful, by all means I am, but I don't need to put unnecessary pressure (and a burden) on myself. I feel the first year is one of the hardest years to go through especially if you're a young couple and you need to get to really understand and know each other, and with family there you might feel more restricted and have to put a ''face'' on.

[CosmicPathos]

What about seprating a daughter from her family?



Where is "here"?

I doubt any man's ego would allow him to stay at his wife's parents' house. To assume that all women would have similar ego as men would be inappropriate. Hence, it is very important for brothers to discuss this with the potential "wife" before. If brother wants this and she does not agree, they should move on and find some other suitable person. Simple as that. Women abound in the world. Allhamdulillah.

[muslimsister1]

:sl:

Hope ur all in gud health, im atcually quiet suprised at the replies on this thread, i have been married now for 18 months and i live with my inlaws, ok it is only parents inlaw but still... i class this as my home now n im comfortable as well, Alhumdolilah. Befor marrige my now mother inlaw kept asking my husband to me n telling him that if he wants to move out it would be fine with them, my husband did ask me a few times n i sed no. Iv always sed that id want to live with inlaws cuz @ the end of the day its the best way to get along with them and get too know them.. U have to think this is your family now and you have made the choice to marry ur husband, would u not want to get to know the the parents who have taught ur husband all the qualities he has? i love my inlaws n get along with them very well Alhumdolilah. You cannot jst dismiss not living with them, i dont mean to big myself up n im sorry if that is what it seems but honestly sisters its not bad at all. You have to put effort in jst like with evreythng else u do but trust me it is all worth it knowing that ur husband is happy with u for the way u look after his parents and how ur with them as well.

:wa:

[Life_Is_Short]

This is the set norm in my family. :ermm: A widespread practice.

For me there's no point in questioning that.

[Italianguy]

Hmmm.:hmm:...I am from a traditional Italian family......Mammas boys.lol:embarrass

We don't leave the nest until we are married. My cousin didn't leave home until 31! (after marriage).

My wife and I had to live with my parents while our house was being completed(built). It was only 4 months but she had no complaints....except mia madre, made her eat too much;D...she needed it anyway she gained 14 pounds, from 96 pounds to 110..(she's tiny)

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:

:sl:

.. U have to think this is your family now and you have made the choice to marry ur husband, would u not want to get to know the the parents who have taught ur husband all the qualities he has?

Alhamdulillah u think like that , may Allah reward you sis .

In Islam , its son's responsibility to take care of parent . Allah did not give this duty to daughter . So , I am surprised that this question has been asked -What about seprating a daughter from her family?

In Islam , a man will marry when he can support his wife . After marairge , a man is living with wife's family because he can't afford to take wife with him , this is ridiculous and in Bangladesh they are called ' Ghor Jamai ' ( house husband / residential son- in - law ) . It's not an honour for any Muslim man to get this title.

I know and heard of some men who live in same city but don't have time to visit parent ( may be once a month ) . I sometimes wonder if Islam really allows it ? It's ok , if the couple want to live in a seperate flat but in that case , son must be in touch with parent as much as possible - not just pay a visit once or twice a month .

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

... it is very important for brothers to discuss this with the potential "wife" before. .

yes I agree. I request sisters those who don't want to live with in-laws to tell this before marriage and Not the after .

My friend is the only child of her parent . Her condition for marriage is she will stay near to her parent's home . Any proposal comes and that's the first thing she tells .

So sisters , pl. pl. don't create unrest in the family on this issue after marriage .

Try to respect in-laws ( I know we can't love mother in law exactly the same way as we love our mom ) but we can at least try to show respect and make sure that they get the care and can pass their last days in peace .

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

What's the Islamic point of view about joint family ? I am surprised to hear a live ans today on TV that each son is supposed to live seperately after marriage .

Imam said , each couple should have separate living system . It will help the privacy and maintian the peace .

I understand , if son lives in same building but in different flat , then it's easy for him to take care of parents. But what he does not live close to them ? Old parent will have to live a lonely life .

Anyone heard about any such fatwa about joint family ?

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:

What's the Islamic point of view about joint family ? I am surprised to hear a live ans today on TV that each son is supposed to live seperately after marriage .

Imam said , each couple should have separate living system . It will help the privacy and maintian the peace .

I understand , if son lives in same building but in different flat , then it's easy for him to take care of parents. But what he does not live close to them ? Old parent will have to live a lonely life .

Anyone heard about any such fatwa about joint family ?

Actually in traditional Pakistani culture, such wives who try to force her husband to move out from his parents house are also called with bad names. We have a whole bunch of names in Urdu for such wives.

In the end, Islamically, a wife can choose to live in her own separate house but she has no right to force her husband to stop living at his parent's house, provided he gives her food, her needs, and sexual needs once in 4 months.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

We have a whole bunch of names in Urdu for such wives. .

hmm , here in Bangladesh , sons get the bad names like stryon means servant of wife ( Jaru ka golam in urdu ?? ) , Bouer bhera ( pet sheep of wife ) haha and many more .

sexual needs once in 4 months.

any hadith ??

[Asiyah3]

:wa: Wr Wb

:sl:
yes I agree. I request sisters those who don't want to live with in-laws to tell this before marriage and Not the after .

It is wise to discuss this before marriage and not after. But I think it's the husband that needs to inform the sister about this. How am I supposed to know that he would want us to live with his parents after marriage?

Like If I meet the potential spouse then rather than getting to know him on the so-called dates am I supposed to point at his parents and denounce "I don't want to live with my in-laws after marriage" and from there explain... It's his responsibility to inform me.

My friend is the only child of her parent . Her condition for marriage is she will stay near to her parent's home . Any proposal comes and that's the first thing she tells .

That's good :) The same way the husband should inform his future wife

So sisters , pl. pl. don't create unrest in the family on this issue after marriage .

Try to respect in-laws ( I know we can't love mother in law exactly the same way as we love our mom ) but we can at least try to show respect and make sure that they get the care and can pass their last days in peace .

Showing respect absolutely but wanting peace and privary is a human right and not a sign of disrespectfulness.

:wa:

[Asiyah3]

:sl:

Hope ur all in gud health, im atcually quiet suprised at the replies on this thread, i have been married now for 18 months and i live with my inlaws, ok it is only parents inlaw but still... i class this as my home now n im comfortable as well, Alhumdolilah. Befor marrige my now mother inlaw kept asking my husband to me n telling him that if he wants to move out it would be fine with them, my husband did ask me a few times n i sed no. Iv always sed that id want to live with inlaws cuz @ the end of the day its the best way to get along with them and get too know them.. U have to think this is your family now and you have made the choice to marry ur husband, would u not want to get to know the the parents who have taught ur husband all the qualities he has? i love my inlaws n get along with them very well Alhumdolilah. You cannot jst dismiss not living with them, i dont mean to big myself up n im sorry if that is what it seems but honestly sisters its not bad at all. You have to put effort in jst like with evreythng else u do but trust me it is all worth it knowing that ur husband is happy with u for the way u look after his parents and how ur with them as well.

:wa:

:sl:
I'm very glad to hear that :) May Allah reward you for your kindness.

:sl:

Hope ur all in gud health, im atcually quiet suprised at the replies on this thread, i have been married now for 18 months and i live with my inlaws, ok it is only parents inlaw but still...

Suprised why? I find the need of some privacy and independence essential to a newly-married couple.

Iv always sed that id want to live with inlaws cuz @ the end of the day its the best way to get along with them and get too know them.. U have to think this is your family now and you have made the choice to marry ur husband, would u not want to get to know the the parents who have taught ur husband all the qualities he has?

As you stated I have made the choice to marry my husband and not my in-laws. I would want to get to know them sure, but not necessarily live in the same house.

[Rabi'ya]

:sl:

lol I did! bad move. good experience tho. alhamdulillah have my own place now.

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:




hmm , here in Bangladesh , sons get the bad names like stryon means servant of wife ( Jaru ka golam in urdu ?? ) , Bouer bhera ( pet sheep of wife ) haha and many more .





any hadith ??

yea lol, joroo ka ghulam. ghar jamai. biwi ki unglion par nachna (dancing on wive's fingers/obeying her in everything) :p

Btw, i looked for it, I thought the requirement was 4 months as it is obvious from the Sunnah of Umar (ra), but I guess I was wrong. The correct view is that

"With regard to the comment made by some of the scholars, that the husband only has to have intercourse with his wife once every four months, this is a weak view, for which there is no clear saheeh (sound) evidence. The correct view is that he has to have intercourse with his wife as often as will satisfy her needs, because of the shar’i principles mentioned above. "

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/22026/sex%204%20months

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

Showing respect absolutely but wanting peace and privary is a human right and not a sign of disrespectfulness.

:wa:

many wives don't allow husband to visit his parent , to spend on them . But they freely spend for their parents , bro ,sisters . Also some crazy sisters are forcing husband to send parent to old home .

It's so shocking . Only few years back , we saw this scnene on TV , now we are seeing it's happening here ( Bangladesh ) . Fortunately still these type of selfish women and heartless sons are few .


May Allah guide us all.

[جوري]

No! and it really isn't normal.. so I am not sure what there is to tell before marriage.. I think the idea is quite outlandish and extremely uncomfortable!

:w:

[muslimsister1]

:sl:

Muslim i do understand wer ur cmng frm wen u say u marry the husband but he also has a family which all come as a package, for example if your bro was to get married would u like it if ur sis inlw was to hve that atidue towards your fam? sorry if i seem harsh sister i dont mean to be... i personally jst cant get my hed round the fact that nowadays grls jst dismiss living with inlaws straight away, again im vary sorry if im offending anyone here.

:wa:

[cat eyes]

:sl:that maybe true but i think lets not forget the responsibilities of the man in islam. he has to support his wife and give her a place of her own. to be honest id feel ashamed to have the husband taking help from his family just to support me like feed me and cloth obviously his family must give more of the money then if thats the case? nah id feel ashamed really i wouldn't be comfortable with it. i think this is more of a cultural thing. it has nothing to do with islam really

[Asiyah3]

:sl:
many wives don't allow husband to visit his parent , to spend on them . But they freely spend for their parents , bro ,sisters . Also some crazy sisters are forcing husband to send parent to old home .

It's so shocking . Only few years back , we saw this scnene on TV , now we are seeing it's happening here ( Bangladesh ) . Fortunately still these type of selfish women and heartless sons are few .


May Allah guide us all.

:wa:
Ameen.
I' very sorry to hear that. SubhaanAllah, that's very wrong.

[Asiyah3]

:sl:

Muslim i do understand wer ur cmng frm wen u say u marry the husband but he also has a family which all come as a package, for example if your bro was to get married would u like it if ur sis inlw was to hve that atidue towards your fam? sorry if i seem harsh sister i dont mean to be... i personally jst cant get my hed round the fact that nowadays grls jst dismiss living with inlaws straight away, again im vary sorry if im offending anyone here.

:wa:

:sl:
Not at all, sis :statisfie I really admire your attitude, masha'lLah. I would encourage my husband dearly to keep close to his parents, insha'lLah. I wouldn't ever want to cause any kind of split between them, but wanting your own accommodation is essential with regards to independency, privacy and comfort and those are essential needs especially to newly-weds. For instance I couldn't imagine myself at any level wearing a tank top or a short skirt/dress in front of my husband's father (just an example).

This all has nothing to do with respect, love or generally my relationship with them. Again I truly admire your attitude, masha'llah. May Allah reward you and guide us all.

[julie sarri]

It really depends on how i got on with them we lived with my mother for 3 years and it didn't work constant arguing and being reminded that its her home moaning about cooking being told to leave lol but when we moved my mum and husband started to get on better and now get on really well

[Grofica]

i have the most awesome mother in law! of course... i like spending time with her she teaches me all sorts of cool stuff to cook and we go to the spa....

my mommy in law rocks! i would rather my MIL live with us but my hubby wants his own place....

:(

[Grofica]

No! and it really isn't normal.. so I am not sure what there is to tell before marriage.. I think the idea is quite outlandish and extremely uncomfortable!

:w:

it depends on the culture. i mean in mexico or bosnia familys are VERY VERY family orintated and its not abnormal for the married couple to live with the husbands family...

in america we are like oh your 18... heres your cake ok so when do you move into your new appartment.. you have been 18 for like 2 min now... are you packed yet???? ha ha ha ha ha ha

and when i went to bosnia my husbands family was so welcoming. its a very unusal but warm hearted enviroment...:statisfie

[Islam_sister]

Yeah, i would have to say no. I need my privacy. Well i know for sure it will be MAD AWKWARD!.. I wouldn't mind having a slumber party at my in laws house with his family, a little sleepover wouldn't hurt but moving in thats a NO NO.. i want to be able to walk around in my house with a tang top..lol.. what makes you think i can do that in my in laws house AWKWARD!!!...lool.

Sister Intisar May Allah protect your mother and your father and grant them both firdoos..Ameen

[جوري]

it depends on the culture. i mean in mexico or bosnia familys are VERY VERY family orintated and its not abnormal for the married couple to live with the husbands family...

in america we are like oh your 18... heres your cake ok so when do you move into your new appartment.. you have been 18 for like 2 min now... are you packed yet???? ha ha ha ha ha ha

and when i went to bosnia my husbands family was so welcoming. its a very unusal but warm hearted enviroment...:statisfie

:sl:

I come from a middle eastern culture and never heard of this live with your family thing, unless you are poor and can't get yourself together.. in which case everyone is at each other's throat which gives the individual the impetus to look for two jobs or whatever just to move out..

People naturally want their space and privacy, especially newly weds.. but even individual freedom.. what if I am accustomed all my life to hang in my father's house in shorts and a tank top and now have to move in with someone with male younger siblings in which my entire living style and arrangement imposes that I have to wear a hijab to brush my teeth and have breakfast.. I don't know how a marriage like that could survive..

Also I don't see why anyone would forbid anyone from visiting their family that is just cruel.. I think it would be a welcome break.. no one wants to hang in anyone's personal space 24/7 if the husband wishes to hang with his kin and sleep over, I don't see how a woman can refuse for her own personal sanity even...

my two cents anyway.. I think that practice is strange and antiquated and I hope it dissolves for the sanity of all involved and for the sanctity of the institution of marriage ..

:w:

[S<Chowdhury]

:sl:

I come from a middle eastern culture and never heard of this live with your family thing, unless you are poor and can't get yourself together.. in which case everyone is at each other's throat which gives the individual the impetus to look for two jobs or whatever just to move out..

Its more of a South Asian culture for you to stay with your parents after marriage, personally i don't see it as a bad thing but i was sort of raised with that sort of idea. Many of my cousin still live with there parents though they are married, it seems to work for them. Also mainly we are raised with the belief its our sole responsibility to take care of the parents and rarely do we let anything stop us from doing that. I think its not such an issue back in the south asia, usually the houses are big or the family own a whole flat so each son has a house to themselves. But back here in the UK its rather more difficult and families only adopt this sort of the sons living under one roof if they have the rooms and the space obviously.

:sl:
People naturally want their space and privacy, especially newly weds.. but even individual freedom.. what if I am accustomed all my life to hang in my father's house in shorts and a tank top and now have to move in with someone with male younger siblings in which my entire living style and arrangement imposes that I have to wear a hijab to brush my teeth and have breakfast.. I don't know how a marriage like that could survive..

Also I don't see why anyone would forbid anyone from visiting their family that is just cruel.. I think it would be a welcome break.. no one wants to hang in anyone's personal space 24/7 if the husband wishes to hang with his kin and sleep over, I don't see how a woman can refuse for her own personal sanity even...

my two cents anyway.. I think that practice is strange and antiquated and I hope it dissolves for the sanity of all involved and for the sanctity of the institution of marriage ..

:w:

I agree to the point where everybody wants there space, i can't imagine having my mother-in law in my face 24/7 :exhausted.... and its difficult for people who haven't been brought up in this way of close family ties to understand how you can live with your mother-in law for a few years but it is possible to be sane and live with your in laws. Yes it won't be happy days everyday You'll fight, You'll Argue, You'll Shout but then there is also love and unity aswell.

[S<Chowdhury]

Also i think for south asian women there isn't an issue with the whole shorts and tank tops, i've never seen a south asian women wear shorts and tank tops at home they usually wear a shalwar kameez.

[Asiyah3]

I can't imagine myself giving a kiss to my husband or actually even holding his hands in front of my in-laws. So how about showing affection etc. ?

[S<Chowdhury]

I can't imagine myself giving a kiss to my husband or actually even holding his hands in front of my in-laws. So how about showing affection etc. ?

The privacy of your own bedroom.....that could be your own private sphere which the family could respect and usually do. Put a TV in the room and if it has en-suite great won't even need to leave the room ;D

[CosmicPathos]

First of all, its unislamic to kiss your husband public or non-mehrams. Does not matter whether they are in-laws or your girl friends. So I do not know why you specifically targeted inlaws and not others.

Yes, its a part of South Asian values and etiquette and I think it is something that I find unique and am proud of it. Some siblings settle overseas and then you get the whole house to yourself and parents, privacy and personal space seems to be non-issue.

Moreover, back home in Punjab, the radius of personal space is considerably smaller than the radius of personal space in the West, especially due to the concept of personal autonomy, democracy and personal privacy.

That is why I can eat in front of my friend in the West without offering him anything and I am being perfectly moral. Back home, its immoral and inappropriate to eat in front of someone and not ask them to share with you. Its a matter of values and ethics which differ from one place to another.

And this is the area where I find Islam pretty silent. What values and ethics should be considered Islamic and what unIslamic. A Muslim raised in the West or living in the West will find it perfectly Islamic not to offer his/her snack to his friend while one back home finds it being displeasing to Allah to not share with his/her friends. At least that has been my experience of conflicting "Islamic values" while living with the Eastern and the Western Muslims. Finding the true path among such cobwebs of opinions and conditions is truly a daunting task.

And that is why some Muslims get strayed and realize that one true path does not exist.

[CosmicPathos]

doubtle post.

[Asiyah3]

First of all, its unislamic to kiss your husband public or non-mehrams. Does not matter whether they are in-laws or your girl friends. So I do not know why you specifically targeted inlaws and not others.

Umm... Maybe because I won't be living under the same roof with my girl friends? If that were to happen then they'll be my next target I guess :D

why you specifically targeted inlaws

I'd love and respect my in-laws greatly and I strongly admire women who take care of themso no attacking :D

Yes, its a part of South Asian values and etiquette and I think it is something that I find unique and am proud of it. Some siblings settle overseas and then you get the whole house to yourself and parents, privacy and personal space seems to be non-issue.

May I ask one question.. do South Asian wives stay with their husband's parents only or with his whole family?

That is why I can eat in front of my friend in the West without offering him anything and I am being perfectly moral. Back home, its immoral and inappropriate to eat in front of someone and not ask them to share with you. Its a matter of values and ethics which differ from one place to another.

Good point.

[جوري]

well in the sister's defense it can be assumed that she is speaking in the privacy of one's home (not in the park of in front of 'girlfriends'.. you have even less of a chance to be affectionate with your significant other when you are limited to the bedroom where most assuredly folks will come knocking on your door and you always have to live under that looming threat of someone coming in or annoying you in the middle of your 'popcorn and movie' and what if you are having an off day or having less than an ideal day with your spouse, does everyone in the house have to know of it? Honestly I can't think of a worst nightmare.. even now with my sweet parents I can't take comfort in sobbing in my pillow lest I be subjected to a million question when one of them comes a knocking...

we are not created to be in each other's personal space all the time and frankly I don't see why having ones own place detracts from visiting or loving ones parents? surely even they deserve a break from the noise and kids etc.

I can't wrap my mind around that very bizarre practice and it is odd to me to see anyone speak about it with pride.. is it even Islamic to bring your wife to live with your family?
I mean no one who practices this offense but I am not sure how many women in the 'real world' would be accepting of something like this..

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

well in the sister's defense it can be assumed that she is speaking in the privacy of one's home (not in the park of in front of 'girlfriends'.. you have even less of a chance to be affectionate with your significant other when you are limited to the bedroom where most assuredly folks will come knocking on your door and you always have to live under that looming threat of someone coming in or annoying you in the middle of your 'popcorn and movie' and what if you are having an off day or having less than an ideal day with your spouse, does everyone in the house have to know of it? Honestly I can't think of a worst nightmare.. even now with my sweet parents I can't take comfort in sobbing in my pillow lest I be subjected to a million question when one of them comes a knocking...

we are not created to be in each other's personal space all the time and frankly I don't see why having ones own place detracts from visiting or loving ones parents? surely even they deserve a break from the noise and kids etc.

I can't wrap my mind around that very bizarre practice and it is odd to me to see anyone speak about it with pride.. is it even Islamic to bring your wife to live with your family?
I mean no one who practices this offense but I am not sure how many women in the 'real world' would be accepting of something like this..

:w:

I think most Pakistani women living in pakistan accept it. THey have a whole tradition called "rukhsati" in wedding ceremony, which symbolizes her leaving her parent's house and going to her new house, that of her husband and his family. Thats why you see wife's parents crying in that ceremony as it symbolizes her leaving the house.

Not that I agree with this wedding tradition. It is something shared by South Asian Muslims, Sikhs and Hindus. Most Pakistani Muslims would not want to NOT follow this tradition and they find marriage in mosque bizarre.

As a counter point, many Muslims back home find many practices of Western Muslims bizarre. :p At least when I last visited Saudi Arabia, my same friends found me liberal and in my Islamic practices and "Western minded" while I thought that I had become more religious while living in the West.

[Cabdullahi]

i wouldn't like my wife to move into my family house i have lots of sisters and there might be friction and i can't be arsed to take cover under the bed all the time when things kick off :(

[CosmicPathos]

i wouldn't like my wife to move into my family house i have lots of sisters and there might be friction and i can't be arsed to take cover under the bed all the time when things kick off :(

yes thats a very practical questioning. But have you talked to your parents about it? What are their opinions?

My mom started crying when I told her that I do not have the Islamic responsibility to live with her when I get married and I will buy a separate house for myself and wife .... of course I was trying to understand how she interprets Islamic injunctions about this and did not mean that. Then she asked me with tear-filled eyes "would you really do that and leave me in old age when I need you the most?" I answered ;D "no, ya ummi."

[Asiyah3]

JazakialLahu khairan sis Skye for explaining:statisfie Love you for the sake of Allah <3

My question please... Do South Asian wives stay with their husband's parents only or with his whole family (I mean including the husband's brothers if he has one)?

[CosmicPathos]

JazakialLahu khairan sis Skye for explaining:statisfie Love you for the sake of Allah <3

My question please... Do South Asian wives stay with their husband's parents only or with his whole family?

it depends.

If the house is big and the son lives with his parents and "rest of the family," the wives stay with them. Of course they get a separate room etc. But more or less, kitchen is shared. Food is eaten together at the same time on the same table etc. Everyone is aware of what's going in their lives, like where is the son doing work or how many marks did the grandson get in exam :p or how many schools he got rejection from ... I kinda find this unislamic because I did not want even my parents to know how I did on exams but my dad always asserted that he has the right to know everything about me and he said that disobeying him in like lying to him about my marks in school etc is against Quran. But Allhamdulillah, I never had to lie to him through my university except back in time maybe when I got 37% on math exam in grade 6 :p

I think there has to be some privacy but I guess too hard to get rid of our Hindu background which has been as long as 2000 years.

[Cabdullahi]

yes thats a very practical questioning. But have you talked to your parents about it? What are their opinions?

My mom started crying when I told her that I do not have the Islamic responsibility to live with her when I get married and I will buy a separate house for myself and wife .... of course I was trying to understand how she interprets Islamic injunctions about this and did not mean that. Then she asked me with tear-filled eyes "would you really do that?" I answered ;D "no, ya ummi."

I can't bring the lady to a cagey 6 by 4 bedroom that has a smelly mattress, grey walls and is close by to the other rooms its going to be tough she'll escape after fajr prayer through the window like its the state penitentiary :skeleton:

that's how council houses are like :( but alhamdulilah!!

......Im not sure about you though the houses in the us are supposed to be spacious innit.

[Asiyah3]

it depends.

If the house is big and the son lives with his parents and "rest of the family," the wives stay with them. Of course they get a separate room etc. But more or less, kitchen is shared. Food is eaten together at the same time etc.

It would be very troublesome if the husband has brothers. In addition to all the privacy and dependency issues, the wife can't wear perfume, has to cover herself, not talk softy etc. etc. in her own house! May Allah reward the wife who puts up with all these.

It was narrated from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-law?” He said: “The in-law is death.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172.

[Asiyah3]

.................(double-post)

[S<Chowdhury]

It would be very troublesome if the husband has brothers. In addition to all the privacy and dependency issues, the wife can't wear perfume, has to cover herself, not talk softy etc. etc. in her own house! May Allah reward the wife who puts up with all these.

Why do you need to use perfume when your home? what is the need of shouting in the house? Its very difficult to explain since your not from the same cultural heritage but sister if we look beyond these small issues, having family around you can be a very positive thing.

[CosmicPathos]

It would be very troublesome if the husband has brothers. In addition to all the privacy and dependency issues, the wife can't wear perfume, has to cover herself, not talk softy etc. etc. in her own house! May Allah reward the wife who puts up with all these.

It was narrated from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-law?” He said: “The in-law is death.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172.

Actually, religious pakistani women always done dupatta (chadar) on their bosoms and heads in house. Its their dress and they dont find it bothersome compared to some lets say some Western Muslimah whose dress itself is unislamic without the additional hijab/burka/coat. Thats how our culture is. We do not dress inappropriately within the house as well. So those wives fulfill the Islamic needs of hijab in front of husband's brothers with relative ease.

Ive seen in Saudi Araba that Saudi women dress very liberally within the confines of their houses. I guess that's the whole point of having one's own house in the first place? Gotta respect both (arab and desi) opinions I guess.

[AlbanianMuslim]

Very good question. Many a divorce has happened on account of the issue of living with the parents or not. Personally, it would depend. It would depend on the amount of space, circumstances as well as financial and family structure.

If the house is extremely cramped and there are already other married siblings living there with their spouses, I would prefer to live in an apartment or house nearby with my husband or, move into a different place with the parents that has more space.

Instances where I would deff live with my spouses parents:
1. They have no other children
2. My husband is the only one of the children who is taking care of them
3. They prefer this particular child out of the rest to stay with for various reasons
4. They respect me as a human being (and I of course respect them)


It is a difficult situation that often takes some adjustment. However, I think there is a perpetual stereotype that all mother in laws are evil etc, when in fact many I have met are most accommodating to their new daughter in laws. Where issues arise is when one of the two disrespects the other. So many times I have witnessed daughter in laws treating their mother in laws like a burden. Very sad to see that. Many daughter in laws do not realize the immense benefits of befriending their mother in laws and developing a very strong bond with them. Not only will your relationship with your husband benefit greatly, but your experience in the household. Later when children come into the picture, your mother in law will be more likely to baby sit when you need to run errands or have alone time with hubby. If you constantly bicker and disrespect your mother in law she wont be as likely to help. Not only that, but after children come into the picture, they mimic their parents. If their mother has a bad relationship with the mother in law and in turn her husband as a result, it wont set a good example for the children now will it?

On the other end there are mother in laws who are difficult. The best thing to do in those situations is to find out why she is behaving that way. Could it be that she feels replaced? A son is very near and dear to a womans heart, and when she has to share the spotlight it can be difficult especially if the newbie decides she is going to hog the spotlight. Sometimes mother in laws are difficult because well, its that particular persons personality. That is when you observe them and learn the things that aggravate them and the things that please them. Eventually she will see the immense effort you are making and soften.

As for father in laws, same thing for the most part. Respect, respect, respect and more respect. He is the patriarch. He is the boss in some aspects and he is an elder. As a daughter in law, you must always treat him with deference and kindness. The older people get the more difficult they can be, and a lot of times it is unintentional. Imagine the frustration people feel when they get older and cant do the same things they did when they were young, dont have the same strength, cant eat the same foods, it can be especially trying to those who lived active lifestyles. They also feel neglected. That is often a reason why parents can be difficult with new people entering the family as well as young people ignoring them because they are old. As a daughter in law, you have to make sure they dont feel neglect, but love and care. While everyone else might ignore the mother in law at a family event, you have to take special care in making sure she is comfortable and enjoying her time. That she is not hungry nor thirsty. These small gestures, of asking her if she needs anything, go so far. The heart softens with each one of them.


These days many women aspire to be "independent" and whatever else people use to pretty much say they want to live the way they want. While it may be appealing to be Miss Independent, if you are entering into a large or even small family where the in laws will be in your life, it will be hard work and you have to be willing to do it if you want your marriage to work and for it to be a healthy marriage.

[Asiyah3]

Why do you need to use perfume when your home?

To please my lovely hubby (=money :shade: ) :statisfie

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: It was said: O Messenger of Allaah, which of women is best? He said: “The one who, when he looks at her he feels happy, when he tells her to do something she obeys him, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself or his wealth.” Narrated by Ahmad (2/251); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1838).

what is the need of shouting in the house?

None. I didn't mean shouting of course, but not speaking softly.

“O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allaah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”

[al-Ahzaab 33:32]

Its very difficult to explain since your not from the same cultural heritage but sister if we look beyond these small issues, having family around you can be a very positive thing.

You know I can't argue this :D

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

.. do South Asian wives stay with their husband's parents only or with his whole family?

.

If the house is big i.e has seperate rooms for the married couples , then in Bangladesh still sons remain with parert after marriage. And Of Course it depends if the wife can adjust with the family members .

Sometimes wives of two brothers start to hate each other so much ( over the control of family's matters ) that it ruins the whole atmostphere. Sometimes brothers don't talk to each other or even with nephews/ nieces because of this fear that how wife will react to see husband is talking to her ' opponents ' .

A proverb here says : brothers are so close as they have blood relations . They only seperate because of women.

I pray that we all will be more conscios about family values and will think about death more freequently . May be then we will spend more time to do good deeds and won't be a part of family crisis.

[Asiyah3]

I hope this thread will benefit others by presenting the situation from different perspectives, insha'llah.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

its unislamic to kiss your husband public or non-mehrams.

I think in the past , couples were more happy than the couples of the modern time. During day time , they were not allowed to spend time together . So the couple waited for night when they can talk to each other in private and can spend time closely.

That restriction increased the attraction between two . They had no time to fight over little things . Now a days , when there is no such restriction , we see couples fight like cats and dogs over silly matters. When no one is around them to stop , they fight freely . Also if u always get a chance to kiss spouse , may be u will lose attratction soon .

A Muslim raised in the West or living in the West will find it perfectly Islamic not to offer his/her snack to his friend

I don't think it's Islamic ; we dont' have any example from Prophet pbuh that he ate food alone without offering to others.

In Islam u do anything good , u will get rewad from Allah. So , if share foood with others , it's a good deed undoubtedly . U don't have to stay outside the west to do it . Offer food to ur western friend , try to teach him/her a good thing .

[Maryan0]

Culture wise when the parents are elderly they move in with their kids. My grandma and grandpa live with us but that is when they are elderly not when they are still relatively young. Elderly parents are not thrown in nursing homes or left to fend for themselves. But the majority of people from where i'm from marry in their 20's and therefore their parents are in their 40-50's and don't want their kids living with them. After raising their kids for however much years parents want some freedom when their kids marry and start families of their own. Also a man that brings his wife to live in his family home is seen as deficient in some way be it money or independence wise.
I would'nt mind living close to my inlaws or even in the same neighborhood but I would never live in the same house with them. This is a foreign practice to me.
Salam

[AlbanianMuslim]

Everyone brings up great points here. I think there are many factors that would play into a situation like this. However, if Allah swt has loved you enough to bring into your life a partner that will be a wonderful gift in your life, you should make ever single ounce of effort to make it work every single day. Lots of people thing marriage is a fairytale until the honeymoon faze is over and you are left with an unsavory taste in your mouth because you thought it was going to be all roses and daisies. Well, sorry, it isnt. So with that in mind, if you are an individual who doesnt quit easily and is willing to work hard everyday of your life for the rest of your life to keep a marriage healthy I do not doubt that you will be able to live a happy life with your significant other.

[AlbanianMuslim]

my two cents anyway.. I think that practice is strange and antiquated and I hope it dissolves for the sanity of all involved and for the sanctity of the institution of marriage ..

:w:

You are entitled to your opinion but I disagree that it is strange and antiquated. I think it is a lovely practice if done right.
Take for example one of my dear cousins. He has the financial ability to have a very large house. On the third floor is his mother and father, they have their own bathroom, master bedroom, closet space and sitting area.
Second floor is his wife and himself with a master bedroom and another bedroom for their son. They have their own bathroom and closets as well.
Downstairs is the kitchen and living room etc......
that kind of situation is ideal, but I know it can be rare.

Everyone has their preference and there is nothing wrong with preferring not to. Some people like you pointed out are accustomed to living a certain way. That is why, when meeting a potential husband/wife, you should discuss that topic and see if you are on the same level.
This is why so many divorces have resulted from this very issue, people do not communicate.
If you are someone who loves wearing shorts and tank top at home and being free to lay, sit, dance do whatever in your home than you should discuss living arrangement before you hop into the marriage wagon.
If you are the husband and asking for a young lady to marry you and you know your parents will be living with you it is your duty to tell her so she knows what awaits her.

But like I said its complicated and each situation demands different things.
Sometimes a couple marries and enjoys living without in laws for years and years than something may happen where one or both in laws need to move in. This is one of those times in my opinion where you must grin and bear it. That or you will have to deal with what may happen if you send them to a nursing home. I am appalled that anyone would send their in laws to a nursing home let alone their own parents! I find it degrading to the parents.

[Beardo]

If you want to get married young, then you probably have to agree to move in with your in-laws... It's sort of like a package deal.

[Maryan0]

But like I said its complicated and each situation demands different things.
Sometimes a couple marries and enjoys living without in laws for years and years than something may happen where one or both in laws need to move in. This is one of those times in my opinion where you must grin and bear it. That or you will have to deal with what may happen if you send them to a nursing home. I am appalled that anyone would send their in laws to a nursing home let alone their own parents! I find it degrading to the parents.

This reminds of something my aunt told me occured when she worked in a nursing home. There was an elderly lebanese man who would always complain to my aunt about how his kids abandoned him, how lonely he was and how he didn't like being surrounded by non-muslims all the time. Very sad situation, you should never abandon your parents in their time of need since they took care of you when you needed them but I think this inlaw situation is a bit different.
Salam

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:



If the house is big i.e has seperate rooms for the married couples , then in Bangladesh still sons remain with parert after marriage. And Of Course it depends if the wife can adjust with the family members .

Sometimes wives of two brothers start to hate each other so much ( over the control of family's matters ) that it ruins the whole atmostphere. Sometimes brothers don't talk to each other or even with nephews/ nieces because of this fear that how wife will react to see husband is talking to her ' opponents ' .

A proverb here says : brothers are so close as they have blood relations . They only seperate because of women.

I pray that we all will be more conscios about family values and will think about death more freequently . May be then we will spend more time to do good deeds and won't be a part of family crisis.

haha we pakistanis are so similar to bengalis. After all South Asians.

But yes, it so sad that fights erupt in families because of marriages. Mostly they are based on petty issues and ignorance. I just pray that we broaden our horizons as much as possible through education that we stop fighting over petty issues.

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:



I think in the past , couples were more happy than the couples of the modern time. During day time , they were not allowed to spend time together . So the couple waited for night when they can talk to each other in private and can spend time closely.

That restriction increased the attraction between two . They had no time to fight over little things . Now a days , when there is no such restriction , we see couples fight like cats and dogs over silly matters. When no one is around them to stop , they fight freely . Also if u always get a chance to kiss spouse , may be u will lose attratction soon .







I don't think it's Islamic ; we dont' have any example from Prophet pbuh that he ate food alone without offering to others.

In Islam u do anything good , u will get rewad from Allah. So , if share foood with others , it's a good deed undoubtedly . U don't have to stay outside the west to do it . Offer food to ur western friend , try to teach him/her a good thing .

Well I try share it based on my religio-cultural reasons. But ive seen Muslim brothers not doing that with me, not that I want their food, but one seems to take notice of other's actions. I mean even if they offered me, I would not take their food, it's just the gesture of friendliness that matters. :p

Secondly, back home, people and friends come to your house on the weekend without calling you in advance to let you know that they will ruin your day! It happens among desis as well as Arabs, I was reading up on Iraqi culture etc. Now its unheard of in the West. You have to call your friend and ask their permission to show up instead of showing up at their house unexpectedly. And I actually like that. This seems to be more in line with Islamic thought that you do not waste someone's time by disturbing them while visiting them unexpectedly!

But if this happens to you when you are visiting back home and tell that to your guests that they should have taken appointment before coming to your house, they'd not like this and would think that you have become "too Western minded."

[جوري]

I have to say that my grandmother (Allah yer7mha) never had an empty house.. to the day she died.. she had her home and was constantly cooking for someone because there was always someone at her house someone always slept over with her and on the weekend everyone was there.. we don't abandon our elders.. but we don't burden them with our presence and problems either.. they have paid their dues and deserve some rest..

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

I have to say that my grandmother (Allah yer7mha) never had an empty house.. to the day she died.. she had her home and was constantly cooking for someone because there was always someone at her house someone always slept over with her and on the weekend everyone was there.. we don't abandon our elders.. but we don't burden them with our presence and problems either.. they have paid their dues and deserve some rest..

:w:

thats amazing mashAllah. But the thing is some elders feel they will have rest if their children live with them and do stuff for them. Afterall, rest would be if they dont have to enter the kitchen to make food for themselves. etc.

[جوري]

thats amazing mashAllah. But the thing is some elders feel they will have rest if their children live with them and do stuff for them. Afterall, rest would be if they dont have to enter the kitchen to make food for themselves. etc.

we all loved grandma's food-- of course she didn't do everything herself (luckily I can't cook and the one time I made tea back then my poor brother vomited, though he was such a good sport to drink it and pretend he liked it) lol.. toward the end my grandma was in bad shape and faint even going to the bathroom.. Allah yerhmaha.. I miss her so much imsadimsad :cry:

:w:

[Grofica]

I know a lot of people (not ALL but a lot) build an extra floor onto the house... the 2nd or in some rare cases 3rd floor of the house is complete with kitchen and bathroom and thats where the new bride and groom live. now dont get me wrong its not for everyone and it really depends on the inlaws and the new bride and blah blah blah but thats a practical way for the wife to move into the husbands family house without all the drama of actually living in the same AREA...

but family is a HUGE thing there.

My husband and i whenever we go ALWAYS ALWAYS stay with his parents. it would be disrespectful not to. but then again i would not want to stay anywhere else...

now 5 years ago if someone said to me hey would you stay at your inlaws house every time you go to visit i would say oh heck no.... but after meeting my in laws... there is no where i would rather be... before you say no and close yourself off at least see what the relationship is like. and do they mean move into one room or do they mean build sort of like an apartment above the house... it all depends on circumstance...

[AlbanianMuslim]

I have to say that my grandmother (Allah yer7mha) never had an empty house.. to the day she died.. she had her home and was constantly cooking for someone because there was always someone at her house someone always slept over with her and on the weekend everyone was there.. we don't abandon our elders.. but we don't burden them with our presence and problems either.. they have paid their dues and deserve some rest..

:w:

That is another ideal situation. (p.s. i hope you didnt misunderstand me of accusing you of abandoning elders, not at all directed to you in that sense)

I think its wonderful when families are close enough that they do it that way.
My family personally, we took turns. My grandmother would spend a month at our house, a month at another one of her sons house, then a daughters house (usually she would only spend a week at the daughters houses) and then a different son and so on. She loved it that way. Everyone got to have time with her and she wasnt abandoned.

Where it becomes an issue is when they are shoved off to a home or ignored or disrespected. The way I have seen some daughter in laws treat their mother in laws, if I was the mother in law Id rather be in a home than endure that kind of garbage from some young little twit who thinks she runs the place just because she married my son. ;D

[syilla]

I don't mind... because my hubby's side is 'a bit' nicer (good) than mine. :X But probably is easier to say that done.

But in my opinion...wherever i go/stay for sure they'll be a problem in whatever ways. So it doesn't make any difference to me. Problems and annoyance are something we have to live with it, find solutions, take precautions and be a survivor...huhuhu. That'll teach you to be a much better muslim InshaAllah :)

[AlbanianMuslim]

sylla, your response made me smile. So true! Life is full of obstacles, take them with a grain of salt!

[CosmicPathos]

we all loved grandma's food-- of course she didn't do everything herself (luckily I can't cook and the one time I made tea back then my poor brother vomited, though he was such a good sport to drink it and pretend he liked it) lol.. toward the end my grandma was in bad shape and faint even going to the bathroom.. Allah yerhmaha.. I miss her so much imsadimsad :cry:

:w:

may Allah have mercy on her soul. ameen.

i think I can make good tea. :p But of course my mom would still say that I suck at doing kitchen chores and I probably do compared to her.
:wa:

[Cabdullahi]

Im the best chapati maker in the world!!!

[Grofica]

Im the best chapati maker in the world!!!

what is chapati????

[CosmicPathos]

what is chapati????

Its a type of South Asian bread. We make it on a pan (tawa in Urdu). Wet the flour in water. Let it expand and then put on the pan and viola. A roti, chapati, whatever you wanna call it.

You should try out aalo ka paratha. yumm. Oily but spicy n delicious.
This might help
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roti

[Cabdullahi]

what is chapati????

I know what baklava is so you ought to know what chapati is

[CosmicPathos]

I know what baklava is so you ought to know what chapati is

haha I love baklava

[Grofica]

Its a type of South Asian bread. We make it on a pan (tawa in Urdu). Wet the flour in water. Let it expand and then put on the pan and viola. A roti, chapati, whatever you wanna call it.

This might help
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roti

ohhhhhhh flat bread.... yeah sorry every place calls it something different. ;D

I know what baklava is so you ought to know what chapati is

well Baklava is a desert... everyone learns which junk food is good first ha ha ha ha

yeah i know what the flat bread is... i love it! i just have never heard it called that before... :p

[Grofica]

haha I love baklava

Tufahija is better :D

ok off topic... we should start a food posting he he he he ;D

[CosmicPathos]

Tufahija is better :D

ok off topic... we should start a food posting he he he he ;D

lets add sweetness by mentioning sweet things to an otherwise bitter thread.

[Grofica]

lets add sweetness by mentioning sweet things to an otherwise bitter thread.

yeah i agree but i dont want to get in trouble for being off topic so i made a new thread...

http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...ml#post1294682

[Asiyah3]

If you want to get married young, then you probably have to agree to move in with your in-laws... It's sort of like a package deal.

Depends... Your parents can also support you (same way when a youngster moves away from home).
:wa:

[Abdul Qadir]

:sl:
This poll is meant for females. This subject entered my mind while browsing a thread. Would you live under the same roof with your husband's family?
Would you agree to move in together with them?

Edit: Males are allowed to express their opinions of course.

what u mean by would u like to? isn't that compulsory? as a wife, ur supposed to help take care of your husbands parents no matter how evil they may be......Subahanallah...and once ur married, ur husband's house is ur house...u dun buy ur own flat and get away from ur husband's parent...

[Asiyah3]

what u mean by would u like to? isn't that compulsory? as a wife, ur supposed to help take care of your husbands parents no matter how evil they may be......Subahanallah...

The wife is not obliged to serve her husband's parents Islamically.

Edit: It is not obligatory for a woman to serve her husband’s father or mother, or any of his relatives. But it is the matter of chivalry and good manners, if she is in the house, to serve his parents. But with regard to forcing her to do that, it is not permissible for her husband to force her to do that, and it is not a duty upon her.

Source: http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/8801/

[Abdul Qadir]

The wife is not obliged to serve her husband's parents Islamically.

i din say islamically compulsory what..

[Asiyah3]

i din say islamically compulsory what..

Isn't that what you asked?

what u mean by would u like to? isn't that compulsory? as a wife, ur supposed to help take care of your husbands parents no matter how evil they may be......Subahanallah...and once ur married, ur husband's house is ur house...u dun buy ur own flat and get away from ur husband's parent...

[S<Chowdhury]

:sl:

If the house is big i.e has seperate rooms for the married couples , then in Bangladesh still sons remain with parert after marriage. And Of Course it depends if the wife can adjust with the family members .

Sometimes wives of two brothers start to hate each other so much ( over the control of family's matters ) that it ruins the whole atmostphere. Sometimes brothers don't talk to each other or even with nephews/ nieces because of this fear that how wife will react to see husband is talking to her ' opponents ' .

Thats true about how wives sometimes come between brothers over the pettiest things, but the cause is not because you are living within the same house the situation will arise anyway due to a power struggle for say on family matters or one wife says something to someone else and the other wife gets upset because she said so etc etc etc so it doesn't matter if your a world apart or living in next room its gonna happen regardless of how close you live together or not, I've seen it happen with my own eyes. But if you at it in a positive way living in the same house there is no option but to resolve the issue, since you see them everyday.

Seems the idea of a family arguing scares people but i'd be very worried if they didn't its a family its gonna happen so why try and avoid when its inevitable.

[Asiyah3]

I can also see among my relatives sometimes some kinda competition between the brothers' wives, unfortunately. :hmm:

[S<Chowdhury]

I can also see among my relatives sometimes some kinda competition between the brothers' wives, unfortunately. :hmm:

Its gonna happen since both wives are usually from different backgrounds, different way of living etc there is obviously gonna be clash about a whole load of things. But running away to a different house is not gonna solve those problems, they need to face the facts they are part of the same family now and they need to get along, both need to also work on the relationship.

[Asiyah3]

Its gonna happen since both wives are usually from different backgrounds, different way of living etc there is obviously gonna be clash about a whole load of things. But running away to a different house is not gonna solve those problems, they need to face the facts they are part of the same family now and they need to get along, both need to also work on the relationship.

mhm. Those wives don't actually even live in the same house, al-hamdulilLah. There's no need to (This way better, they save us from all the gossip, slander, bad-mouthing).

[CosmicPathos]

I do understand the negative aspects of what is called a "joint family" system but it is the way of living adopted by majority of people in South Asia. Recently the trend is changing as people's parents from last generation are dying, things are changing as our generation does not think the way our parents or grandparents did.

I personally never lived in a joint family except that my paternal grandfather and grandmother (may Allah bless her soul) lived with us when we brought them to Saudi. And ooh, I had to share my room with my brothers while living in Saudi, owing to small apartments. That's about it.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

The wife is not obliged to serve her husband's parents Islamically.

No , but she must not prevent husband from spending on parent . Sadly many women believe husband belongs to her only and parent have no right over him . As I already mentioned , many women don't even allow husband to meet parent more than a month or don't welcome any relative from husband's side to visit them while their home is open for her family members.

[S<Chowdhury]

mhm. Those wives don't actually even live in the same house, al-hamdulilLah. There's no need to (This way better, they save us from all the gossip, slander, bad-mouthing).

But even without living in the same house there is tension at that was my earlier point exactly. Bad mouthing, gossip face the facts it happens especially in the South Asian community, any news or problems are usually broadcast within minutes of hearing it, okey maybe a little bit of exaggerating but it happens to be honest.

In South Asia the communities are 'tight knit', even in Bangladesh a very over populated country everybody seems to know everybody mention your surname or your grandfather and somehow a link will appear to how you could be related or that person knows of your grandfather.

I agree with brother mad-scientist that the new generation seem to be losing this type of joint family and the community as a whole seems not to be as close as it use to be which very imsad.

[Asiyah3]

But even without living in the same house there is tension at that was my earlier point exactly. Bad mouthing, gossip face the facts it happens especially in the South Asian community, any news or problems are usually broadcast within minutes of hearing it, okey maybe a little bit of exaggerating but it happens to be honest.

I see that happening too.

I agree with brother mad-scientist that the new generation seem to be losing this type of joint family and the community as a whole seems not to be as close as it use to be which very .

And you see changes in respect towards parents or elders.

[Asiyah3]

:sl:
No , but she must not prevent husband from spending on parent .

True but as long as it's not excessive.

Sadly many women believe husband belongs to her only and parent have no right over him . As I already mentioned , many women don't even allow husband to meet parent more than a month or don't welcome any relative from husband's side to visit them while their home is open for her family members.

May Allah guide us all imsad

[Souljette]

Assalamualikum,
Wow u sisters are sayin that u will not live wit husband's family and ur given a choice..and in bangladesh..or bengali families..there is no choice..u get married and live wit ur in-laws..which in turn causes problems..and the girls can't get out of it..inshallah i hope i don't hv to live with my in-laws like in the same apartment..in a separate apartment same buildin is also fine with me..but yes the privacy thing counts and also if husband has any siblings then it's a problem

[AlbanianMuslim]

Yes the siblings can be a big issue which is another reason why people should communicate with each other before marriage about who will be living together.

[S<Chowdhury]

Assalamualikum,
Wow u sisters are sayin that u will not live wit husband's family and ur given a choice..and in bangladesh..or bengali families..there is no choice..u get married and live wit ur in-laws.

Thats highly inaccurate to say that all bengali families/husbands force there wives to live with there in laws Sister

[Asiyah3]

Thats highly inaccurate to say that all bengali families/husbands force there wives to live with there in laws Sister

Whether it's common or not that clearly should not happen and it's simply wrong furthermore it's violating the rights of the wife.
:wa:

[Intisar]

Assalamualikum,
Wow u sisters are sayin that u will not live wit husband's family and ur given a choice..and in bangladesh..or bengali families..there is no choice..u get married and live wit ur in-laws..which in turn causes problems..and the girls can't get out of it..inshallah i hope i don't hv to live with my in-laws like in the same apartment..in a separate apartment same buildin is also fine with me..but yes the privacy thing counts and also if husband has any siblings then it's a problem

:wa: Like I said before sis, it's a cultural practice. In my culture, women have a voice and can protest about things if it goes against the deen. Living with my husband's mother didn't even seem like an option to me because marriage to me is starting another life. It seems selfish, to me, to live with your husband's in laws but not you're own? I mean there's nothing wrong with it if you're having trouble financially and what not or the situation you're in calls for it, but it can really cause a strain on your marriage. You could get into it with your mother in law, would you expect your husband to take your side? To avoid that happening altogether, move in together when you have a secure home for the both of you inshaAllaah. :)

[Abdul Qadir]

The wife is not obliged to serve her husband's parents Islamically.

Edit: It is not obligatory for a woman to serve her husband’s father or mother, or any of his relatives. But it is the matter of chivalry and good manners, if she is in the house, to serve his parents. But with regard to forcing her to do that, it is not permissible for her husband to force her to do that, and it is not a duty upon her.

Source: http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/8801/

yes sister, i agree with u...but this is a norm..ur expected to help ur in-laws...and its her duty...yes...have u heard of Ibrahim AS story about his father...

[Asiyah3]

.............................................Isn't it ironic that during winter the sunshine only increases the coldness :hmm:

[Souljette]

Assalamualikum,
Yes like Sis Muslim said it is something of good behaviour and manners and also Bro Chowdhury..i live in bangladesh now and i have seen families that if they separate away from the husband's family ..the family thinks there is something rong or they backbite..i'm not generalizing there mite b families who aren't like tht..but from what i see there aren't..i tell my family that i wll live separate with my husband and they give me this look like WHAT.. then again nowadays things are changin i guess.. i see the problems arisin in joint family's...it's better to stay separate and happy and being together and miserable.. u know what i mean but Allah knows best

[Souljette]

Assalamualikum,
Yes like Sis Muslim said it is something of good behaviour and manners and also Bro Chowdhury..i live in bangladesh now and i have seen families that if they separate away from the husband's family ..the family thinks there is something rong or they backbite..i'm not generalizing there mite b families who aren't like tht..but from what i see there aren't..i tell my family that i wll live separate with my husband and they give me this look like WHAT.. then again nowadays things are changin i guess.. i see the problems arisin in joint family's...it's better to stay separate and happy and being together and miserable.. u know what i mean but Allah knows best

[S<Chowdhury]

Assalamualikum,
i live in bangladesh now and i have seen families that if they separate away from the husband's family ..the family thinks there is something rong or they backbite..i'm not generalizing there mite b families who aren't like tht..but from what i see there aren't..i

Fair enough sister, i shouldn't of jumped to conclusion that you were generalising.

tell my family that i wll live separate with my husband and they give me this look like WHAT.. then again nowadays things are changin i guess.. i see the problems arisin in joint family's...it's better to stay separate and happy and being together and miserable.. u know what i mean but Allah knows best

Mhmm i understand your point of view, i agree things are changing. But i feel throughout this thread joint family lifestyle is being portrayed in a bad light, correct me if I'm wrong but many of you probably never lived in a joint family under the same roof. I actually have when my family first moved to this country i lived with my cousins for sometime and when ever i go back to Bangladesh my family live in one building, and to be honest i loved it when i was young and sort of still do when i go back to Bangladesh. My cousin here because we grew up together in the same household there seems to be a much greater bond between us, yes we still argued, but the relationship between family is always stronger.

The words "Miserable, Unhappy " etc have been thrown round alot. I know it sounds daunting for people especially in the west to comprehend the idea of having family around especially in-laws around all the time, but it can be happy and a pleasant time, my cousins marriage hasn't broken because they live in with there in-laws. Its natural for people to argue in a family stop BEING SO AFRAID its a family get use to it, obviously do try and avoid angering them :hmm:.

[AlbanianMuslim]

Chivalry and good manners are a choice, respecting your in laws is an obligation but I see what you are all saying and everyone brings up valid points

[Asiyah3]

...................................Why is the name of the movie Mamma Mia!? The daughter's name is Sophie and not Mia <_<

[AlbanianMuslim]

.........................................anyone seen everybody loves raymond? you might wanna rethink the neighbor thing lol

[Asiyah3]

...................................I haven't eaten anything this morning except for my fav delicious nuts :statisfie

[AlbanianMuslim]

Im cranky in the morning ha sorry. Shall we edit our silly responses?

[Asiyah3]

^Yeah .

[S<Chowdhury]

Lets just draw the line that it depends on culture shall we ?

[Souljette]

Assalamualikum,
Bro Chowdhury, yes i guess a person can become defensive when joint family is put under negative light but it has both sides.. joint families Are fun when you are little ..and u have this bond.. u see all this people and you love it..but when you grow up .. then you have to learn your limits the same people you were so close to ..you grow up and you have to act differently with them.. i was out of bangladesh for a while and i'm used to havin my privacy so coming to bd and seeing all this is overwhelming..

if a sister wants to live islamically or a brother wants to live islamically then..a joint family is rarely what they would want.. i'm not sayin separate away from the family ..i'm sayin live in the same buildin even but not under the same roof as the sister won't have any privacy whatsoever..and it would be hard on the sister.

[S<Chowdhury]

Assalamualikum,
Bro Chowdhury, yes i guess a person can become defensive when joint family is put under negative light but it has both sides.. joint families Are fun when you are little ..and u have this bond.. u see all this people and you love it..but when you grow up .. then you have to learn your limits the same people you were so close to ..you grow up and you have to act differently with them.. i was out of bangladesh for a while and i'm used to havin my privacy so coming to bd and seeing all this is overwhelming..

if a sister wants to live islamically or a brother wants to live islamically then..a joint family is rarely what they would want.. i'm not sayin separate away from the family ..i'm sayin live in the same buildin even but not under the same roof as the sister won't have any privacy whatsoever..and it would be hard on the sister.

Yeah i guess when your little its much more fun, true sister in terms of a woman's perspective its pretty hard getting some privacy.....:hmm:. Its over preference really some people enjoy living in big families whilst other really don't. And i actually found an article saying Living with in-laws 'increases women's risk of heart disease:hmm:.

[Souljette]

Assalamualikum,
whoaa i didn't know that

[manaal]

lol, its normal for the girl to leave with her man.........its not normal for a girl to marry and live with her husband in her family home.


Gulf Countries but to be more specifically UAE

Wow, what differences in culture. In Sri Lankan where i come from, among Muslim families the husband usually moves in with the wife's family. There is a reason for it, but not an Islamic one. So here goes.... *deep breath...

Being a part of the Indian sub-continent, in Sri Lankan culture (primarily among Buddhists and Hindus), a dowry is requested (sometimes demanded) from the wife. This practice is also seen among many Muslim families. But now with increased religious awareness, Alhamdulillah, it has greatly reduced among Muslims.

But as a result of this dowry giving, which might include a house for the newlyweds to live in, the husband would move into the wife's family home, because the house would belong to her. Crazy you might think?

Now, the potential husband's family does not verbally request for any dowry (most marriages are arranged), but the bride's parents still make sure that they could provide their daughters with a home to live in. As for the sons. parents spend money on educating them, so they can do good jobs and collect a good some to be given as Mahr.


I now this is off topic. So to bring it back..... that is why it is not normal for me to live with my in-laws. :statisfie

[S<Chowdhury]

A Wife's Right to Housing Separate From Her In-Laws and Others

Answered by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

The Shariah has given certain rights to the husband, just as it has give rights to the wife. Many times, failure to give the spouses their rights results in conflict and eventually breakdown of Marriage.

These rights, at times, may not go down to well with certain people and cultures. However, it is necessary for us to educate those Muslims who have been affected by cultural customs and traditions, and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah.

The benefit of learning and educating the masses about the rules and injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs is that each party will appreciate what the other has to offer. Subsequently, this will lead to respect, love and harmony.

For example, it is not necessary upon the wife to cook for or serve her parents in-law. Now, many people believe that it is the duty of the wife to look after not only the household affairs but all the family members including the nephew, niece, etc... If she is negligent in any way, then she is rebuked.

However, if the in-laws did not regard this as an incumbent duty of the wife, and she on her own accord took care of the household work, then this work will surely be appreciated. She will also in turn do her best to give something back in return for this appreciation.

Therefore, it is our duty that we teach the masses and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs. This may be a Jihad, and one will no doubt face much opposition from culturally oriented individuals, but the rewards by Allah will be immense Insha Allah.

Question: The Wife’s Right to an Independent ‘Shariah House’

Coming to your question, In the Hanafi school, the wife has a right to live (and demand to live) separately. It is the duty and responsibility of the husband to provide her with shelter (suknah). This shelter must, if she demands so, be free from the interference of any of the husband’s family. The responsibility of the husband will be fulfilled if the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband’s family members are able to enter.

Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:

“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”

The great Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) comments on this by saying:

“The reason behind al-Haskafi’s statement “Free from his family members” is that at times it may be harmful for her to share the house with other people, as her belongings may not be safe. Also, she will not able to enjoy her husband’s company in the presence of other people”.

Regarding al-Haskafi’s statement “Separate bathroom and kitchen”, this may defer from one family to another. Poor people who normally share these things with other families may find it difficult to provide a house with a separate bathroom and cooking area. Therefore, for them it will be sufficient to provide a separate quarter that has a lock” (Radd al-Muhtar 3/559-600).

Imam al-Kasani states in his Bada’i al-Sana’i:

“It is necessary to provide the wife with shelter as Allah Most High Says: “Let the women live in the same stile as you live, according to your means. And annoy them not, so as to restrict them” (al-Talaq, 6).

So what about the other family members?

If the husband desired her to live with his other wife or his family members, such as: his mum, sister, daughter from another wife or relatives, and she refused, then it will incumbent upon him to provide her with a separate living quarter. The reason for this is that she may be harmed in co-sharing, and her refusal is a sign of harm. Also, the spouses need to fulfill their mutual sexual needs whenever the need arises, which may be difficult with others around.

If the husband provided her with a separate quarter in a large home, which has a separate lock, then she will not have right to demand for a total separate house” (Kasani, Bada’i al-Sana’i, Vol.4, P.23).

In Conclusion

In conclusion, it is the responsibility of the husband to provide the wife with shelter. If she demands it to be separate from the husbands family, then the husband will be obliged to provide a living quarter which is free from the interference of others and that it has a separate lock. As far as the bathroom and cooking area is concerned, this should also be separate if they are not from a poor family background (as Ibn Abidin mentions in length in his super commentary), or else the responsibility will be discharged by providing the above.

And Allah knows best

[CosmicPathos]

As a counter point, when we are taking deen from SOME Arab scholars, we must keep our ears open to any interpretation done by them through their subconscious which is influenced by Arab culture. I saw that Arabs in middle east have a certain type of dancing on their weddings, we should keep in mind that we dont have to follow that on our weddings. Its their culture, not Islam.

Some desi guy in his religious zeal wore a soub on his wedding thinking he is being more Islamic .... I had to tell him that this dress has nothing to do with Islam and it would have been more appropriate if he had worn something from his culture as long as it was Islamic. Or at least shouldnt have worn soub thinking its an Islamic dress but if he liked soub and wanted to wear it thats another story.

[جوري]

what does dancing at weddings have to do with matters of jurisprudence?..
just as a woman has duties toward her husband so does he have duties to fulfill toward her.. if his parents or he wants a maid or live in slave they can always have one for hire, it isn't the job of a dignified woman to be brought in as a live in maid for some dude and his family!
people often mistake this graciousness that some sisters impart out of good manners as some sort of injunction.. it is not!

It isn't even the job of a wife to cook and clean for her husband it is a matter that should be equally shared. The prophet (PBUH) used to perform house duties!

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

what does dancing at weddings have to do with matters of jurisprudence?..
just as a woman has duties toward her husband so does he have duties to fulfill toward her.. if his parents or he wants a maid or live in slave they can always have one for hire, it isn't the job of a dignified woman to be brought in as a live in maid for some dude and his family!
people often mistake this graciousness that some sisters impart out of good manners as some sort of injunction.. it is not!

It isn't even the job of a wife to cook and clean for her husband it is a matter that should be equally shared. The prophet (PBUH) used to perform house duties!

:w:

of course. I cant imagine some man could not be man enough to do his own job (preparing his food, washing his clothes such menial tasks to the major ones such as earning money) by himself and depend for it on his woman.

[جوري]

of course. I cant imagine some man could not be man enough to do his own job by himself and depend for it on his woman.

I don't know if that is sarcasm or what but at 1:20am I'll give it a passing grade.

:w:

[islamirama]

Regardless of how many bros here agree, at end of they day they would expect their wife to cook dinner when he comes home all tired from work. If man is working all day and she can't do that much sitting home (assuming she's a house wife), what is she doing all day and what is she bringing in this marriage?

[CosmicPathos]

I don't know if that is sarcasm or what but at 1:20am I'll give it a passing grade.

:w:

Do you think time has an influence on the meaning intended? I did not mean it as a sarcasm though but if you want to take it that way, i cannot make it 9:20 pm for you.

[جوري]

Regardless of how many bros here agree, at end of they day they would expect their wife to cook dinner when he comes home all tired from work. If man is working all day and she can't do that much sitting home (assuming she's a house wife), what is she doing all day and what is she bringing in this marriage?

I don't know many women that don't work but I'd think the pleasure of her company would be enough, that is if he truly loved her.. and in fact I can't think of another reason for cooking or cleaning for someone if there were not sort of 'mawada and ra7ma' between them!

do you have children because you expect something from them or because their mere presence is enough to fill your world?

:w:

[جوري]

Do you think time has an influence on the meaning intended? I did not mean it as a sarcasm though but if you want to take it that way, i cannot make it 9:20 pm for you.

I do, I process and register information differently depending on how long I have been up and what time it is of day.. I think that would be the same with most people, although my tolerance is longer (than the norm) purely out of practice!

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

Regardless of how many bros here agree, at end of they day they would expect their wife to cook dinner when he comes home all tired from work. If man is working all day and she can't do that much sitting home (assuming she's a house wife), what is she doing all day and what is she bringing in this marriage?

I dont think a Muslim man should expect his wife to cook his meal for him. To each his own. For a man, marriage is a way to fulfill his sexual desires in a halaal way without falling to zina and as a matter of worship by providing for his wife and to increase Muslim progeny through his seed. I fail to see any deeper meaning to marriage than that.

[Asiyah3]

:sl:
Interesting topic going on...

It's pretty immature for a husband to daily come home and throw his clothes on the floor, leave his things unorganized, eat the meal that the wife has cooked and after finnishing just get up leaving the cleanup all alone to the wife... I agree with Skye it's a matter that should be equally shared.

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:
Interesting topic going on...

It's pretty immature for a husband to daily come home and throw his clothes on the floor, leave his things unorganized, eat the meal that the wife has cooked and after finnishing just get up leaving the cleanup all alone to the wife... I agree with Skye it's a matter that should be equally shared.

Is it Islamic obligation to share the matter?

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:
Interesting topic going on...

It's pretty immature for a husband to daily come home and throw his clothes on the floor, leave his things unorganized, eat the meal that the wife has cooked and after finnishing just get up leaving the cleanup all alone to the wife... I agree with Skye it's a matter that should be equally shared.

Is it Islamic obligation to share the matter? "Sharing" the stuff creates more questions than it answers. How much to share? What to share? Why to share when there is a huge probability that humans in any relationship (except parents) have a tendency to become snouty and to remind the previous favors they have bestowed on you in the past when you were so helpless?

I didnt read anywhere that Prophet Muhammad pbuh "depended" on his wives. He was a pretty independent man and did his stuff himself.

[جوري]

^^ you are funny.. you don't need to be dependent on your wife to help around the house.. as for how much, well it depends on how much you can tolerate and how much you agree on.. but one thing for sure, going in with hostile expectations that it is 'her duty' will not make you last very long in a marriage.. it is a partnership not a form of slavery. To get married is a choice and I don't know many folks who will agree to go into a marriage knowing they are there to breed for you and bring you your slippers!

:w:

[islamirama]

I don't know many women that don't work but I'd think the pleasure of her company would be enough, that is if he truly loved her.. and in fact I can't think of another reason for cooking or cleaning for someone if there were not sort of 'mawada and ra7ma' between them!

do you have children because you expect something from them or because their mere presence is enough to fill your world?

:w:

While her love and companionship and the kids fill your world, you still are slaving away at work and coming home to cook and do everything like a single guy does because she is not "obligated" to do it doesn't seem all that fair to the guy?

I'm all for both working together and giving each other a hand. But if a woman goes into a marriage thinking she doesn't have to do anything, than what is she bringing to the table other than herself, especially considering many other women out there who would consider their "duty" (which is a bad choice of word, i would prefer "responsibility") to take care of the house. Marriage is like a job, who do you think has better chance of landing a husband?

I know these fatwa shaikhs in middle east like to say she doesn't have to do anything and he has to provide for her, including getting a maid to cook and clean. And we have seen how that is going. Those arab women do jack all day except gossip, shopping and what not. They don't even raise their kids. Kids are so spoiled they would call the maid to come and hand them something 2 feet away that they can't get themselves. let's not forget the physical abuse and sexual abuse these maids go through by their pervert landlords. Even Philippines threatened to break diplomatic relations with saudi over this widespread abuse of its people.

But in all honesty, most of us don't live in middle east, aren't arabs and can't afford to get maids per fatwas to kick around and abuse. If the wife can't handle house management, don't see point of having her or better yet trading her in for a more domestic model may be more viable. After all the prophet (S) did say all of you are Shepperd of your flock and each of you will be questioned of your sheperdship, and that wife's flock is husband's wealth and kids.

[جوري]

While her love and companionship and the kids fill your world, you still are slaving away at work and coming home to cook and do everything like a single guy does because she is not "obligated" to do it doesn't seem all that fair to the guy?

I'm all for both working together and giving each other a hand. But if a woman goes into a marriage thinking she doesn't have to do anything, than what is she bringing to the table other than herself, especially considering many other women out there who would consider their "duty" (which is a bad choice of word, i would prefer "responsibility") to take care of the house. Marriage is like a job, who do you think has better chance of landing a husband?

I know these fatwa shaikhs in middle east like to she doesn't have to do anything and he has to provide for her, including getting a maid to cook and clean. And we have seen how that is going. Those arab women do jack all day except gossip, shopping and what not. They don't even raise their kids. Kids are so spoiled they would call the maid to come and hand them something 2 feet away that they can't get themselves. let's not forget the physical abuse and sexual abuse these maids go through by their pervert landlords. Even Philippines threatened to break diplomatic relations with saudi over this widespread abuse of its people.

But in all honesty, most of us don't live in middle east, aren't arabs and can't afford to get maids per fatwas to kick around and abuse. If the wife can't handle house management, don't see point of having her or better yet trading her in for a more domestic model maybe more viable. Afterall the prophet (S) did say all of you have Shepperd of your flock and each of you will be questioned how your sheperdship, and that wife's flock is husband's wealth and kids.

:sl:

the reality is different than what is painted in your mind or these fatwas.. in fact women slave twice as hard.. firstly as one pay check isn't enough in most households and her salary contributes to the household (that is the reality of it) and secondly because she does in fact fulfill all the other duties cook clean and bear children (and in likelihood care for them entirely) and if you'll pardon the next part menstruate every 28 days or so.. would like to see one of you go through the hormone shift and a nice five day bleed (with the works, headaches, tenderness, and generalized weakness) before we discuss how after a nice full day of work you'd like a little something to go with your slippers!

You don't really need to make it a battle of the sexes, and I don't think it should be... I think like the Quran tells us, there should be mawaddah and ra7ma between two lovers.. having huge expectations is sure to disappoint both parties.. we are all only human after all!

:w:

[cat eyes]

i cant agree more women work twice as hard and then giving birth to kids and then having to raise them men should be licking her feet for the pain women go through in giving birth btw i dont know where this topic is going lol

but i just want to say i hate those men who believe a woman should be tied to the kitchen sink. this is NOT what islam says at all.....

[CosmicPathos]

i cant agree more women work twice as hard and then giving birth to kids and then having to raise them men should be licking her feet for the pain women go through in giving birth btw i dont know where this topic is going lol

but i just want to say i hate those men who believe a woman should be tied to the kitchen sink. this is NOT what islam says at all.....

The reality of Islamic lands is different but it surely is changing in the imitation of the West. Women do not usually work there as you said and the house can and does survive on one pay check.

[islamirama]

:sl:

the reality is different than what is painted in your mind or these fatwas.. in fact women slave twice as hard.. firstly as one pay check isn't enough in most households and her salary contributes to the household (that is the reality of it) and secondly because she does in fact fulfill all the other duties cook clean and bear children (and in likelihood care for them entirely) and if you'll pardon the next part menstruate every 28 days or so.. would like to see one of you go through the hormone shift and a nice five day bleed (with the works, headaches, tenderness, and generalized weakness) before we discuss how after a nice full day of work you'd like a little something to go with your slippers!

:w:

:w:

The reality is different which is why I see it pointless having all these threads opening up about what woman can't do, can do and who has to do what and what not. Regardless of what people discuss here or read fatwas given by shaikhs who think the whole world is like saudi, reality will always be different. So just want to point to the girls here who are daydreaming of maids and not having to do anything and what not, wake up before you get reality shock after marriage...

I also find it humorous how everyone here likes to open a marriage thread about how wonderful marriage is and what should be done and a 1000+ questions you an ask for a potential mate and how everyone is looking for someone. With so many threads open have you tried asking each other for marriage? may be IB can open a matrimonial section and hook the members up since there are so many of them here looking. They can start with those 1000+ questions to enter the drawing :popcorn:

[islamirama]

i cant agree more women work twice as hard and then giving birth to kids and then having to raise them men should be licking her feet for the pain women go through in giving birth btw i dont know where this topic is going lol
..

The prophet (S) said if he were to order prostration to anyone after God it would be the wife to her husband. Such is the importance and status of a husband. If a wife dies and the husband was pleased with her than she goes to paradise. So lets not talk about who is going to lick whose feet. its true that the jannah is in the mother's feet but that path is for kids to attain Jannah, not husbands. As for her labor pains and menstrual cycles, ,this is all from Allah as part of her role and creation. Don't blame men for it, learn to accept it as is and be patient because you have no idea how much you are being compensated by Allah for enduring all that.

[Asiyah3]

:sl:

How much to share? What to share?

The following is just my preference. Now .I surely wouldn't be so exact in reality...
Anyways, I personally would do the main housework; (cleaning shelvers, washing the toilets, vacuuming etc., ) as he goes to work, I'd try to keep the house clean. However, he should help around. For example, after eating dinner I would wash the dishes and clean the table and he could bring the plates to the sink. Also do his side; organize his things, hang his clothes, make the bed now and then.

Why to share when there is a huge probability that humans in any relationship (except parents) have a tendency to become snouty and to remind the previous favors they have bestowed on you in the past when you were so helpless?

What do you mean? What does this have to do with sharing?

I didnt read anywhere that Prophet Muhammad pbuh "depended" on his wives. He was a pretty independent man and did his stuff himself.

'Alayhi as-salaatu was-salaam.

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:
The following is just my preference. Now .I surely wouldn't be so exact in reality...
Anyways, I personally would do the main housework; (cleaning shelvers, washing the toilets, vacuuming etc., ) as he goes to work, I'd try to keep the house clean. However, he should help around. For example, after eating dinner I would wash the dishes and clean the table and he could bring the plates to the sink. Also do his side; organize his things, hang his clothes, make the bed now and then.


What do you mean? What does this have to do with sharing?


'Alayhi as-salaatu was-salaam.

that is too much. I cant believe how your husband could expect you to do all that. he should clean his own shelves, clean his own washroom and what not and you should yours. Dont degrade yourself for being his slave.

[جوري]

:w:
I also find it humorous how everyone here likes to open a marriage thread about how wonderful marriage is and what should be done and a 1000+ questions you an ask for a potential mate and how everyone is looking for someone. With so many threads open have you tried asking each other for marriage? may be IB can open a matrimonial section and hook the members up since there are so many of them here looking. They can start with those 1000+ questions to enter the drawing :popcorn:

I don't find it humorous I'd rather said section be closed down although, I really think perhaps folks can stop looking through some rose tinted glasses when they realize that the expectations they have from a marriage and the reality of it are quite disparate!
at the end I did learn about some strange customs of other Muslims and it made me appreciate that Islam came to liberate women from centuries old bondage that culturally still folks are unable to rid themselves of.


BTW.. it is true the hadith you posted.. but I hope you realize equally so that it was said of deserving men. When a woman skirt was so much as lifted she called out and an entire army rose to her defense.
Now you have your women scientists stripped of their clothes and dignity and all you can do collectively as men is simply ***** about it on a public forum and write of your expectations from your potential maids at home after a 'hard day's work'

on this note I bid you a good day

waslaam 3lykoum wr wb

[Asiyah3]

that is too much. I dont think how your husband can expect you to do all that. he should clean his own shelves, clean his own washroom and what not. Dont degrade yourself for being his slave.

Those are really basic things that I do at home regularly... I don't mind, I love tidiness.

[CosmicPathos]

Those are really basic things that I do at home regularly... I don't mind, I love tidiness.

oh well ... your husband would be a very fortunate man then.

[cat eyes]

The prophet (S) said if he were to order prostration to anyone after God it would be the wife to her husband. Such is the importance and status of a husband. If a wife dies and the husband was pleased with her than she goes to paradise. So lets not talk about who is going to lick whose feet. its true that the jannah is in the mother's feet but that path is for kids to attain Jannah, not husbands. As for her labor pains and menstrual cycles, ,this is all from Allah as part of her role and creation. Don't blame men for it, learn to accept it as is and be patient because you have no idea how much you are being compensated by Allah for enduring all that.

:sl: i mean in a term that you are meant to appreciate her but these days its increasingly difficult for men to do that these days ive heard so many stories of marriage breakdowns because the husband was to extreme towards the wife,way to many expectations. i am hearing this alot lately from women that there husband expects to much. who said that marriage is all about cleaning...when two people are madly in love they could not care less about who washes the dishes. people make marriage difficult because they fight over the most stupid things..its just crazy

also there is hadith which says woman was made from the rib of a man so be gentle with her because she can break easily

[Asiyah3]

oh well ... your husband would be a very fortunate man then.

Na'a, your future wife will be the fortunate one for having been blessed with such a caring husband.

[Asiyah3]

:sl: i mean in a term that you are meant to appreciate her but these days its increasingly difficult for men to do that these days ive heard so many stories of marriage breakdowns because the husband was to extreme towards the wife,way to many expectations. i am hearing this alot lately from women that there husband expects to much.

:wa:
I agree. One of the questions I'll probably ask my future spouse will be what he expects of me.

also there is hadith which says woman was made from the rib of a man so be gentle with her because she can break easily

Additionally, it was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.”

(Narrated and classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi, 3895).

[islamirama]

:sl: i mean in a term that you are meant to appreciate her but these days its increasingly difficult for men to do that these days ive heard so many stories of marriage breakdowns because the husband was to extreme towards the wife,way to many expectations. i am hearing this alot lately from women that there husband expects to much. who said that marriage is all about cleaning...when two people are madly in love they could not care less about who washes the dishes. people make marriage difficult because they fight over the most stupid things..its just crazy

also there is hadith which says woman was made from the rib of a man so be gentle with her because she can break easily

:wa:

I merely touching on the topic of what wife may think she can/can't do in light of these fatwas and belief vs reality. The ideal wife and ideal husband are topics of their own worthy of their own threads.

When a woman skirt was so much as lifted she called out and an entire army rose to her defense.
Now you have your women scientists stripped of their clothes and dignity and all you can do collectively as men is simply ***** about it on a public forum and write of your expectations from your potential maids at home after a 'hard day's work'

We don't have such armies otherwise we wouldn't be in such a state. And what do you mean "your own women" is she not your sister in Islam? Those who can and want to are doing what they can to help her while others just point fingers and what not.

[CosmicPathos]

:wa:
I agree. One of the questions I'll probably ask my future spouse will be what he expects of me.



Additionally, it was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.”

(Narrated and classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi, 3895).

That is true but we have to understand what Prophet pbuh meant by best. Best means different things for different people.

[جوري]

:wa:

We don't have such armies otherwise we wouldn't be in such a state.

Indeed-- I should then concede that all expectations should be taken down a few notches!...

And what do you mean "your own women" is she not your sister in Islam? Those who can and want to are doing what they can to help her while others just point fingers and what not.

she is indeed my sister.. but I am assuming the meek and enfeebled role of a scullery maid that the 'modern Muslim' man assumes is the role of a woman while the manly men do their thing for our sister!


:w:

[islamirama]

Indeed-- I should then concede that all expectations should be taken down a few notches!...

exactly my point, just telling sisters not to expect hired maids to do their house work cuz they are not "required" to do anything because reality is far different than the fatwas and online discussions

she is indeed my sister.. but I am assuming the meek and enfeebled role of a scullery maid that the 'modern Muslim' man assumes is the role of a woman while the manly men do their thing for our sister!

:w:

if you thinking woman taking care of her house and husband is a scullery maid and she rather go rub shoulders with non-mahrams all day then to everyone their own.

[ali-imran]

I am so glad that I have freedom of choice, to not get married or ever have to go through this ordeal.....of bringing a wife into my home.......I remain chaste, as it is my choice....and Insha Allah I will devote myself to Allah.

I think muslim women esp those from traditional background such as Bengali, Pakistani and Indian....will have no choice but to do so, as it is more a cultural thing here.....other cultures may have different ways and apporaches to the after marriage accomodation arrangement..

[CosmicPathos]

I am so glad that I have freedom of choice, to not get married or ever have to go through this ordeal.....of bringing a wife into my home.......I remain chaste, as it is my choice....and Insha Allah I will devote myself to Allah.

I think muslim women esp those from traditional background such as Bengali, Pakistani and Indian....will have no choice but to do so, as it is more a cultural thing here.....other cultures may have different ways and apporaches to the after marriage accomodation arrangement..

Isnt it surprising that most crimes of pedophilia were done by monks and priests who had vowed to remain celibate?

Celibacy is haram and has no justification in Al-Islam.

[ali-imran]

Come on Pal, no need to be offensive over here...stay off the media reports I say... and stop making silly stereotypical generalisations

Islam gives you choice, in these matters, if you really have it all you can have 10 wives.

[CosmicPathos]

Come on Pal, no need to be offensive over here...stay off the media reports I say... and stop making silly stereotypical generalisations

Islam gives you choice, in these matters, if you really have it all you can have 10 wives.

what generalisations did I make? Hey, the facts are there. all these molesters had vowed to remain celibate when they became monks. Surprising that they committed pedophilia?

[ali-imran]

so basically what you are saying is, that somehow by my choice not to get married...I am destined to become like these monks and commit gross indicent acts.....but then what of sisters who have also decided not to marry....are they doomed to this fate also or a good chance by your reckoning?

this is a very bad way of thinking, as you are saying muslims, may end up like this unless they marry...but the what of people that do not have the means to marry....shall we kill them now just incase...as there are a few.

and what if you didnt read the latest article regarding monks, or here it on news, would you make such a foul remark?

The genralisation you made with your comment was.....that you are assuming with your knowledge that people who say they do not want to get married and be God fearing and foresake themselves in the way of Allah....are also leaving themselves in the same shoes as those monks who vowed to remain celebate...

[CosmicPathos]

so basically what you are saying is, that somehow by my choice not to get married...I am destined to become like these monks and commit gross indicent acts.....but then what of sisters who have also decided not to marry....are they doomed to this fate also or a good chance by your reckoning?

this is a very bad way of thinking, as you are saying muslims, may end up like this unless they marry...but the what of people that do not have the means to marry....shall we kill them now just incase...as there are a few.

and what if you didnt read the latest article regarding monks, or here it on news, would you make such a foul remark?

The genralisation you made with your comment was.....that you are assuming with your knowledge that people who say they do not want to get married and be God fearing and foresake themselves in the way of Allah....are also leaving themselves in the same shoes as those monks who vowed to remain celebate...

did I say anything of that sort? Putting words in my mouth and then trying to insult me?

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I learned that these discussions are just discussions where much of whats being discussed is quite far from reality and to an extent, practicality. It's quite easy to talk about this stuff online quoting ahadeeth and ayaat (not saying that there's anything wrong with doing that) and its a completely different matter when you actually have to deal with this stuff in real life. I mean we can go on and on about what his or her role in the marriage is or is supposed to be but believe me when you actually have to live it, it's very different. Because then you're dealing with another human being with real emotions, thoughts, and personality not an idea or an ideal. And you have a stake in that relationship because you've invested time, effort and love into it and the other side's happiness and feelings matter to you whereas right now most people in this thread (who are not married) haven't experienced that. Maybe that's the awesome thing about the religion is that it gives us the guidelines and lets us deal with the actuality ourselves as long as we're in tune with those guidelines.

Just 2 cents from another not-yet-married-guy.

[Alpha Dude]

I agree with muraad. Most of the members arguing on this thread are not even married yet so the discussion is bound to jump from one extreme to another.

[ali-imran]

did I say anything of that sort? Putting words in my mouth and then trying to insult me?

please.....you know what you wrote...and what you were suggesting

[ali-imran]

I said.....
I am so glad that I have freedom of choice, to not get married or ever have to go through this ordeal.....of bringing a wife into my home.......I remain chaste, as it is my choice....and Insha Allah I will devote myself to Allah.


then you said...
Isnt it surprising that most crimes of pedophilia were done by monks and priests who had vowed to remain celibate?

why even say something like this if this is not suppose to be suggestive of something, and is not a answer or comment regarding my post? unless it is you thought I am going to be a monk or priest?

[جوري]

exactly my point, just telling sisters not to expect hired maids to do their house work cuz they are not "required" to do anything because reality is far different than the fatwas and online discussions

not to expect hired maids differs from making yourself available around the house to do some work. It isn't beneath anyone to do some work anywhere (but it remains true, it isn't in the job description for woman to do said things) most folks hopefully enter into a marriage with a more mature outlook (at least we hope)

if you thinking woman taking care of her house and husband is a scullery maid and she rather go rub shoulders with non-mahrams all day then to everyone their own.

If you think taking care of your wife and house is beneath you and would rather rub shoulders with non-mahrams all day and yet ( later complain that you can't make ends meet and need a little assistance, or are injured on the job, or have come down with a debilitating illness, or or or) then to each his own!

:w:

[جوري]

I learned that these discussions are just discussions where much of whats being discussed is quite far from reality and to an extent, practicality. It's quite easy to talk about this stuff online quoting ahadeeth and ayaat (not saying that there's anything wrong with doing that) and its a completely different matter when you actually have to deal with this stuff in real life. I mean we can go on and on about what his or her role in the marriage is or is supposed to be but believe me when you actually have to live it, it's very different. Because then you're dealing with another human being with real emotions, thoughts, and personality not an idea or an ideal. And you have a stake in that relationship because you've invested time, effort and love into it and the other side's happiness and feelings matter to you whereas right now most people in this thread (who are not married) haven't experienced that. Maybe that's the awesome thing about the religion is that it gives us the guidelines and lets us deal with the actuality ourselves as long as we're in tune with those guidelines.

Just 2 cents from another not-yet-married-guy.

:sl:

for what it is worth out of the dudes on board I find you (amongst a few others) to have the potential to make your potential wife an excellent husband .. it is good to have kindness and gentility in your heart and not enter with some sort of willful hostility because you have a clearly delineated role in your mind.. this is supposed to be your life's partner not some creature brought in for your personal comfort!..

things go both ways!

:w:

[islamirama]

If you think taking care of your wife and house is beneath you and would rather rub shoulders with non-mahrams all day and yet ( later complain that you can't make ends meet and need a little assistance, or are injured on the job, or have come down with a debilitating illness, or or or) then to each his own!

:w:

3000yrs men have been provider of the house for the most part and today families can't make end meets and the wife need to go wear pants too? maybe people need to stop living millionaire lifestyle and come back to reality. Majority of people in Asia still live very happy and comfortably with one provider.

[جوري]

3000yrs men have been provider of the house for the most part and today families can't make end meets and the wife need to go wear pants too? maybe people need to stop living millionaire lifestyle and come back to reality. Majority of people in Asia still live very happy and comfortably with one provider.

1- firstly I'd argue that all there is to a family unit is to bring home the dough, I doubt very much that early Islamic societies were built on the idea that all you needed was to have bread on your table.. the pursuit of knowledge is compulsory on all Muslims men and women!
2- you can't speak for the majority since you haven't surveyed the majority women have been working since before and after the inception of Islam..
3- there is no form of ['beyt al mal' like the one Hind from the time of the prophet used to start her own business] so when something untoward should happen to the single provider the one that 'wears the pants' there would be some other means of survival that don't include haram means or begging means.

btw I should say this makes no difference to me personally, I am not made to feel guilty because I have a higher education that at some point could equal a five guy' salary and their maids I am saying it a general principal for folks who desire marriage not to go in with a certain mind set and expectation as it is a recipe for disaster.. I have no contentions with you I don't know why it always has to spiral to something tempestuous I COME IN PEACE :D

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

:sl:

for what it is worth out of the dudes on board I find you (amongst a few others) to have the potential to make your potential wife an excellent husband .. it is good to have kindness and gentility in your heart and not enter with some sort of willful hostility because you have a clearly delineated role in your mind.. this is supposed to be your life's partner not some creature brought in for your personal comfort!..

things go both ways!

:w:

How could you predict the number of "dudes" from this board that will make excellent husbands? You got some mathematical equations going on for that? What is an excellent husband?

[جوري]

How could you predict the number of "dudes" from this board that will make excellent husbands? You got some mathematical equations going on for that? What is an excellent husband?

it isn't a numerical challenge.. it is their personality traits!

:w:

[islamirama]

btw I should say this makes no difference to me personally, I am not made to feel guilty because I have a higher education that at some point could equal a five guy' salary and their maids I am saying it a general principal for folks who desire marriage not to go in with a certain mind set and expectation as it is a recipe for disaster.. I have no contentions with you I don't know why it always has to spiral to something tempestuous I COME IN PEACE :D

:w:

Don't worry, iI too am merely pointing to folks not to go into marraige with certain mind frame, especially based what they read online vs whats reality in the world. A woman should have a BS at the very least, we live in a world where muslims are ill educated in islam and thus quick to divorce and be irrational, leaving single mothers to fend for themselves with no skill sets. I've also seen girls ask for nothing mahr or something minute, expecting their marriage and husband to be perfect, but end up with nothing at end of a divorce. People need to stop living in dream world or "ideal islamic conditions" world and face reality. I'm sure you can afford 5 guys and their maids salary (common in middle east) in a few years easily :D

[islamirama]

:sl:

for what it is worth out of the dudes on board I find you (amongst a few others) to have the potential to make your potential wife an excellent husband .. it is good to have kindness and gentility in your heart and not enter with some sort of willful hostility because you have a clearly delineated role in your mind.. this is supposed to be your life's partner not some creature brought in for your personal comfort!..

things go both ways!

:w:

just an FYI, some people tend to be totally different online vs offline, so much so as you would think two different personalities or different people...

[CosmicPathos]

Don't worry, iI too am merely pointing to folks not to go into marraige with certain mind frame, especially based what they read online vs whats reality in the world. A woman should have a BS at the very least, we live in a world where muslims are ill educated in islam and thus quick to divorce and be irrational, leaving single mothers to fend for themselves with no skill sets. I've also seen girls ask for nothing mahr or something minute, expecting their marriage and husband to be perfect, but end up with nothing at end of a divorce. People need to stop living in dream world or "ideal islamic conditions" world and face reality. I'm sure you can afford 5 guys and their maids salary (common in middle east) in a few years easily :D

If you put filters such as "woman must have a BS in the first place" without facilitating women to gain education I do not see how could you get a woman who has a BS. Vast majority of Muslims in this world live lives where they do not have a luxury to send their children to high school, let alone to a university to get a BS. Now it seems you are out of touch from reality.

[جوري]

just an FYI, some people tend to be totally different online vs offline, so much so as you would think two different personalities or different people...

so true.. but multiple personalities can be fun in a marriage if you enjoy the challenge and a house with extra rooms ;D;D;D

:w:

[islamirama]

If you put filters such as "woman must have a BS in the first place" without facilitating women to gain education I do not see how could you get a woman who has a BS. Vast majority of Muslims in this world live lives where they do not have a luxury to send their children to high school, let alone to a university to get a BS. Now it seems you are out of touch from reality.

i was referring to those living the west, attaining a BS should not be difficult for them considering the amount of Financial aid available. Of course it would vary depending on the locality of each individual.

[islamirama]

so true.. but multiple personalities can be fun in a marriage if you enjoy the challenge and a house with extra rooms ;D;D;D

:w:

so long as your spouse don't start thinking of you cheating on them :D

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:

Excellent article, very relevant to this thread:

The Prophet Muhammad mentioned concerning the fast, “One who does not abandon false speech and acting on its imperatives, God has no need that he gives up his food and drink.” (Al-Bukhari) These narrations emphasize that there is far more to Islam than a mere adherence to rulings.

This is especially true in our marriages. Too many Muslims are involved in marriages that devolve into an empty observation of duties and an equally vacuous demand for the fulfillment of rights. While such practices are laudable in their proper context, when they are divorced from kindness, consideration, empathy, and true commitment they define marriages that become a fragile caricature. Such relationships are irreparably shattered by a silly argument, a few wrinkles on the face, unwanted pounds around the waist, a personality quirk or a whimsical desire to play the field to see if one can latch on to someone prettier, wealthier, younger, or possibly more exciting than one’s spouse.

These are issues that affect men and women. However, we men must step up and do our part to help to arrest the alarmingly negative state of gender relations in our communities. The level of chivalry the current crisis demands does not require that we pretend to be blind for twenty years. However, it does require some serious soul searching, and it demands that we ask ourselves some hard questions. For instance, why are so many Muslim men averse to marrying older or previously married women? The general feeling among the women folk in our communities is that if you are not married by the age of twenty-five, then you have only two chances of being married thereafter –slim and none. This sentiment pervades our sisters’ minds and hearts because of the reality they experience. Many brothers who put off marriage until they are past thirty-five will oftentimes marry someone close to half their age, passing over a generation of women who are intellectually and psychologically more compatible with them and would prove wiser parents for their children.

Despite this problem, and the clear social, psychological and cultural pathologies it breeds, many of us will hasten to give a lecture reminding our audience of the fact that Khadija, the beloved wife of our Prophet, was fifteen years his senior. We might even mention that she and several of his other wives were previously married. Why is it that what was good enough for our Prophet is repugnant to ourselves or our sons?

A related question would be, “Why are so many of our brothers so hesitant to marry strong, independent and intellectually astute women?” Many women in the West lack the support of extended family networks, which is increasingly true even in the Muslim world. Therefore, they must seek education or professional training to be in a position to support themselves if necessary, or to assist their husbands; an increasingly likely scenario owing to the nature of work in postindustrial societies. This sociological fact leads to women in the West generally manifesting a degree of education and independence that might not be present among women in more traditional societies and times – even though such societies are rapidly disappearing.

Many Muslim men will pass over talented, educated women who are willing to put their careers and education on hold, if need be, to commit to a family. The common reason given is that such women are too assertive, or they are not the kind of women the prospective husband’s mother is used to. As a result a significant number of our sisters, despite their beauty, talent, maturity, and dynamism are passed over for marriage in favour of an idealised, demure “real” Muslim woman. The social consequences of this practice are extremely grave for our community.

Again, we can ask ourselves, “To what extent does this practice conform to the prophetic model?” Our Prophet was surrounded by strong, assertive and independent women. His beloved Khadija, who we have previously mentioned, was one of the most successful business people in the Arabian Peninsula, and her wealth allowed the Prophet to retreat to the Cave of Hira where he would receive the first revelation.

Ayesha, despite her young age was an assertive, free-spirited, intellectual powerhouse who would become one of the great female scholars in history. The foundation for her intellectual greatness was laid by the Prophet himself who recognised her brilliance. Zainab bint Jahsh ran a “non-profit” organisation. She would make various handicrafts, sell them in the market and then use the proceeds to secretly give charity to the poor people of Medina. Umm Salamah had the courage to migrate from Mecca to Medina, unescorted, although she was ultimately accompanied by a single rider. She also had the vision to resolve the crisis at Hudaybiyya. These were all wives of the Prophet. To their names we could add those of many other strong and dynamic women who played a major role in the life of the fledgling Muslim community.

[...]

Marriage is not a playground where the ego thoughtlessly pursues its vanities. This is something the chivalrous young man mentioned at the outset of this essay understood. It is an institution that helps a man and a woman pursue the purpose of their creation: to glorify and worship God and to work, within the extent of our capabilities and resources, to make the world a better place for those we share it with and for those we will leave it to. This role is beautifully captured in the Qur’an, “The believing men and women are the supporting friends of each other. They enjoin right, forbid wrong, establish regular prayer, pay the poor due, and they obey God and His Messenger. They expect God’s Mercy. Surely, God is Mighty, Wise.” (9:71)

http://muslimmatters.org/2010/04/01/...m-zaid-shakir/

[جوري]

so long as your spouse don't start thinking of you cheating on them :D

I guess we'd be exonerated when one personality puts out a contract on the other..:D


:w:

[islamirama]

I guess we'd be exonerated when one personality puts out a contract on the other..:D


:w:

I am curious to see how such a person would act/behave after seeing a video of their different personalities hmm

one thing is for sure, it'll keep the spice n flame in marriage burning longer :giggling:

[syilla]

:sl:

Excellent article, very relevant to this thread:[INDENT]The Prophet Muhammad mentioned concerning the fast, “One who does not abandon false speech and acting on its imperatives, God has no need that he gives up his food and drink.” (Al-Bukhari) These narrations emphasize that there is far more to Islam than a mere adherence to rulings.

thank you so much for the linkkk :statisfie

In the literature discussing Futuwwa, which has been translated as Muslim chivalry, there is the story of a young man who was engaged to marry a particularly beautiful woman. Before the wedding day, his fiancée was afflicted with a severe case of chicken pox which left her face terribly disfigured. Her father wrote to him informing him of the situation and asking if he preferred to call off the wedding. The young man replied that he would still marry his daughter, but that he had recently experienced a gradual loss of sight, which he feared would culminate in blindness.

The wedding proceeded as planned and the couple had a loving and happy relationship until the wife died twenty years later. Upon her death the husband regained his eyesight. When asked about his seemingly miraculous recovery he explained that he could see all along. He had feigned blindness all those years because he did not want to offend or sadden his wif

[¤ ιмαи ¤]

Honestly no..
I like to have my own home, and do things for my husband.
I think his mom would want to take over my job as she's used to it..
Also I would love to have the privacy of my home.
Of coarse I would love to see her a lot, and I'd invite her over, but no.
I doubt I'd live with them.

[Amanda]

I voted no... nothing against the in-laws, but I wouldn't feel comfortable living in someone else's home... mind you, I wouldn't want to live with my parents again either, no matter how much I love them. I just think that having privacy is healthier for our relationship. :)

[unknown_JJ]

in-terms of finance, it can be cheaper to live with the fam, but i would prefer to live in my own house.....

[جوري]

^^ can someone pls remove the spam? It is getting way out of hand this is an Islamic forum and the thread is about moving in with your husband's family not the pedants repository!

:w:

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Edit......................

[جوري]

:sl:
^ditto. what a mockery.
the last thing we need is a barrage of bigotry. i mean if your going to post something, at least take the tie out and post something more worth while, convincing and not so idoioc.

why's it always the Christians that like to stirr trouble :hmm: i doubt Jesus preached to annoy people.

he isn't stirring trouble, he is just plain annoying.. I can't sort through a thread when I am met with one bulk spam courtesy of a new gadfly whose attempts are proselytizing are close to laughable.
three methods I have noticed with these freaks whether out on the road, overseas or on the web.
1- incessant harassment of others a la mode of this



2- brain washing like this



and when all else fails let's not forget good old fashioned bribery for a conversion like handing out food or medicine for proselytism .. they sicken me as they have undoubtedly sickened millions of others through the ages!

sob7an Allah

[Somaiyah]

Assalamo alaykom,

I voted "depends" because I know both very good and really bad sides of living with the husband's parents. I am not married, but I have listened to sisters' stories.

If I would live with my future husband's parents I would need to be promised to have privacy time, own raise of the children and no parents from the husband who believe they know better than me in everything. Of course they know a lot, but they need to understand that if I'm the wife and mother they need to ask me before letting the children eat or do anything, and not say to me that I'm so young and don't know what to do. Specially when I might be from a different culture we might have different views on things, and both might be good but to do what I feel is good might make me a better mother. So I need this promise, and my husband's support, to be able to do it. But to live with his parents otherwise wouldn't be a problem, I would help them and try to be as social as possible.

[EllyDicious]

NO way!
Every couple need to have their own place.
They need to have their own life.

['Abd-al Latif]

To the OP: this is a cultural thing and there is nothing wrong with it as long as all the Islamic guidelines are met regarding non-mahrams and hijab. You'll find that majority of Pakistani sisters will move in with their in-laws after marriage as this is expected and normal. This is also common in the Bengali, Indian and Saudi culture and possibly many more cultures.

Brothers and sisters who don't have this tradition as part of their custom won't give you an answer that's tailored to your needs so the results of this poll aren't very accurate. My advice is take a look at your own circumstances and try to negotiate things with your in-laws if you find something you dislike – that's if moving in is a part of your custom to begin with.

[Periwinkle18]

For Pakistani women living in Pakistan that's not an option Lol they get married n go to they're husbands family's house n I guess then they secretly pray that they get a separate house later on :p

[Iceee]

My parents were born and raised in India. My Dad came from a wealthy family, Mom came from a poor family. When they married, my Mom agreed to live with my Dad's family and after-wards once my Dad got a good job, he and my Mom moved out after 5 years living with in-laws.

A lot of newlywed couples do this; live with husbands family until he can support himself and his wife, then move out together. I say this is good as well because this allows the husband to pay off debts/wedding party fees etc.

Sorry I bumped this thread after years, didn't know voting will get a thread bumped.

[ardianto]

As I've ever written in another thread. In Pakistan, after getting married, the wife join the husband family. But in Indonesia, after getting married, the husband join the wife family.

So it's common in Indonesia if a husband live in the in-law house or in house that provided by in-law. My sister in-law live in my parent in-law (they have passed away) house with her husband. One of my brother in-law live with his mother in-law. My another brother in-law live in a house that provided by his wife parent. My youngest sister live in a house that given by my parent. She live there with her husband.

Frankly, I'm closer to my mother family than my father family. And after getting married I more often gathered with my wife family than my origin family. Typical of Indonesian wives is they want always close with their origin family after getting married and draw the husband close to them. Typical of Indonesian husbands is, they follow what their wives want.

I'm still close with my wife family. I don't feel any change on how they treat me now.

[UmmuShaheed]

Personally, I would not move in with my husbands family,
I enjoy my home, and privacy entirely too much.
But this also depends on culture, thankfully thats not a custom in our culture. So its nothing I had to worry about..alhamdulilah.

[ardianto]

A lot of newlywed couples do this; live with husbands family until he can support himself and his wife, then move out together.

But Indonesian culture is different. Commonly in Indonesia, if newlywed couples haven't able to have their own shelter, they live in the wife parent house. There is exception, of course, like the husband family house is bigger or nearer to the place where the husband work.

It's because in Indonesian culture the women are always belong to ttheir families while the adult men are free men who come to the women families.

It's normal if the wife parent (if rich) give anything to the her like house, furniture, car, etc, that can be used for live with the husband. Even is normal if a man work in his parent in-law company.

So Iceee, if you see an Indonesian husband who look rich, do not too fast to make conclusion that he is rich. Probably what he have actually are his wife's properties. :D

By the way, I remember my friend older brother. He was a handsome guy but from ordinary family. One day a girl from rich family interested to him, but he rejected it. And his brother complain to me "Ohh, how stupid my brother is!"

[Night]

If it was a large house and me and my husband could have the basement to ourselves sure.

[ServantForAlla]

I voted it depends, I can handel a year or two but after that we should be out of that house and into our own home.

But if his mother or father was sick then yes I would live there for however long.