Why Marriages fail? & Solutions for Success.
The Situation of the Muslims around the Globe is bad today because of the high rates of divorce.
Statistics: Almost 50% of marriages in the UK are going through problems, and many are breaking down. That's 1 out of every 2 people! With the children being harmed the most, and many Muslim youth turning to gangs and prostitution within Muslim areas!
However, most of these problems can be fixed quite easily alhamdulillah.
Imam Muslim reported on the authority of Jabir ibn `Abdullah, who stated that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
"Iblis (Satan) places his throne upon water, then sends his groups. The closest to him are those who (tempt people to) commit the most grievous of sins (fitnah). One of them would approach him and say: I did such-and-such. Iblis would reply: You have done nothing. Another would approach and say: I did not leave him (a man) until I caused him to leave his wife and for them to be separated. Iblis would bring him close to his throne and would say: How good you are!”
The first thing taught of magic was
"..They learned from them the means to sow discord between man and wife." [Quran Al Baqarah 2:102]
In the Tafsir of Surah Tahreem, by Ibn Kathir, he quotes an event which Umar ibn al Khattab narrates. He said;
"I used to be friends with one of the Ansar and we would convey the teachings of Allah's Messenger to each other. One time, we were expecting Ghassan [a enemy tribe to raid Madinah]. Once, my friend came and was shouting to me and said something major has happened.
I asked; Is it Ghassan?
He said, "It's worse than that!"
I wondered what he meant, until he told me that Allah's Messenger had divorced his wives!
Then Umar went to the masjid and saw the people weeping, and asked
"has Allah's Messenger divorced his wives?" and they said we don't know. So Umar went to Allah's Messenger and asked whether he had divorced his wives, and he (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) said No...
Tafsir ibn Kathir - Surah Tahreem
Which means that the marriage breakdown is from an Islamic perspective an evil thing, even though it is permissible.
Causes for divorce:
The Biggest reason for marriage breakdown is due to influence by other people in society - who cause problems - between the husband and the wife.
Let's see how what the the married might do through the influence of society;
Either:
1) Both parties are commiting big or major sins outside the marriage.
or;
2) Both parties are committing sins within the marriage.
Focusing on Number 1:
- Main reason behind most marriage breakdowns - each party is having an illegal sexual relationship with other people. This is happening within the Muslim community, as many people know.
With who?
Either a partner has began a relationship with a family friend, or has found a partner through work - so the wife seeks
khula' [annulment of her previous marriage] so she can marry her new found partner.
Or sometimes through the internet - an example is of a man who complained that he had 5 children, and his wife became friends with a man on the internet from another country. Then problems began between the two, so she went away with the other man who she had met on the internet. There are many stories of men doing the same against their wives.
In many cases; Freemixing causes people to slowly become friends with a person from the opposite gender, and this might be a secret. The secret is usually exposed, causing jealousy from the other partner, arguments start between the couple, which usually end up in divorce. Once this happens; the
man loses his wife, and also loses the second woman, because a man will never trust a lady who he was involved with in an illicit relationship, even if he promised her marriage. If they did get married, he would later divorce her because he would think; if she had relations with me outside of marriage, then what's stopping her doing the same with other men?
The same happens with women who cheat on their husbands; they lose their husband, and also the man they were having a relationship with.
How it develops? Sometimes people are easy with social gatherings, not really observing Islamic etiquettes.
A woman once phoned the shaykh and said a few years ago;
A man who was a family friend began to get close to her when she was emotionally in need of a man when her husband went away for weeks on a holiday. She would feel alone, and have problems with her husband in the past. Out of the evilness of that 'family-friend' man, he knew her situation and her husband leaving. He approached her and began a relationship with her, and he asked her to have a full sexual relationship with him, and she fell into that mistake due to loneliness. She woke up the next day distressed, and said she didn't realise, and said she would never let it happen again. She said after a few weeks this man came again and said you must allow me to do this with you. She said I controlled myself and removed this person away from her home, and nothing happened after that.
After a few years, this man - who had sexual relations with many of his friends wives - was caught and everyone found out about him, and everyone from this group started to doubt each of their wives. "Did he have any kind of relationship with you?" they would ask. Until the husband asked her; "Have you ever had any kind of relationship with him?". I said no. I was telling lies to him, but now I am burning from inside. And now i want to put an end because my consciouss is torturing me. My husband started to doubt, and now he has left me alone with the children, with the suffering and subconscious torture I am facing on a daily basis, and I want to put an end to it.
This is why observing the Islamic etiquettes is really important, because anything other than it breaks families and causes distress in peoples lives.
2) Both parties are committing sins within the marriage.
Pornography:
- Many women complain that their husbands always watch pornography. The underline of this problem is that when the man watches pornography, his sexual desire to have relations with his wife becomes very weak.
In the tafsir of Surah Nur;
Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do.
And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers... (Quran Surah Nur 24: 30-31)
Al Qurtubi made the following points when commenting on the above verses;
1) Those who stare at the opposite gender unlawfully; Part of their sexual strength is given to the haram [forbidden], so they cannot use their full sexual strength in their marriage relations.
2) He will become addicted to that and watching it. His wife will become jealous because he is not giving attention to her.
Most of women are not like the women seen like on posters, models etc. They use computers to change their image for the better. When men start to watch these images, they raise their expectations from their wives. So
they start to not feel attracted to their wives, they become away from their wives, therefore the problems start because
the wife feels her husband has been taken away and that he does not desire her. That causes her to be worried about him, and feels that he doesn't love her, and once she feels that - problems start.
This is why Allah ordered us to
lower our gaze and keep away from haram [forbidden] things, and this is why the Islam does not allow a people to have an intimate personal relationship with other than their marriage partner; so
she is the only one beautiful for him, and he is the protector of her [women want to feel secure]. When
she knows he is protecting her,
she feels happy with him - even if he does not have the best looks or character. And when they meet each other - they feel that they are having the utmost happiness, and this is what
keeps the best relationship between the husband and wife in a positive situation. If that love survives within their marriage, then they can overcome the other more minor obstacles which arise within the marriage. (i.e. this way both partners will love each other enough without wanting to turn to another partner outside of marriage.)
Committing Sins related to the Matrimonial Life;
Allah commanded us to live with each other in an honorable way (bil ma'ruf), with passion (mawaddah), love, mercy, and justice. If we don't observe this, problems arise.
Allah Almighty says [meaning], "Live together with them correctly and courteously," (Qur'an al Nisa 4:19)
Problems;
The man does not provide for the wife, and he doesn't put any effort in to do that.
The Prophet (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) said [meaning]; Your right over them is that they do not allow into your bed those you dislike and do not permit those you dislike to enter your house.
Their right over you is that you are good to them in respect of their clothes and food." [at-Tirmidhi]
By nature: Women like to see their husbands as shelters, providers, protectors. It's true that this nature is being altered by feminist movements, but the nature in women for that is still there.
Provide for her - EVEN if she works.
A woman once complained to the shaykh that her husband is really soft, and she is from the UK (i.e. she isn't 'backward'). She needs to feel her husband is a protector for her. Women like the male being superior to her, they enjoy it.
[A question to the men; Do you like to get married to a woman who looks like a man? No? Does the woman like to have a man who looks like a woman? Very soft, delicate, not providing her shelter or security? No? This is natural. Women like Manly men, Men like Womenly women.]
Even if a woman is working, she would like that her husband provides for her and is a shelter for her etc. Even in terms of spending, she likes taking from her husband, taking gifts from him, and buying this - saying
"Why don't you buy me this?" She says all this out of love of him, and not abuse as some mistakenly think.
One of the reasons for marriage breakdown is because of the above. If she feels her husband is not superior, or he isn't earning/buying for her, she will feel he is equivalent to her. So
when both look at each other as totally equal, they deal with each other as they are Competitors to each other, so
they don't overlook each others mistakes.
So the husband doesn't look at her as his wife or that she is a female who makes mistakes, rather he looks at her as a competitor and begins to envy her and pick on her faults. However, if he was treating her as a wife - he would have mercy on her mistakes, but now that she is a competitor - she is just like another competitor who I want to criticize in any way possible.
If the man is not providing for his wife, he will see that his wife is complaining and these problems are continuously coming up. You might not realise that these problems are due to a lack of maintenance from the husband.
Lazy husband + No Job & Working wife = Breakup?
From another angle; If the husband is not providing for the wife, he becomes a really lazy person. This is a very common problem. he doesn't like to keep a job.
When his wife works; the problem gets bigger and bigger. By nature, women are very keen to keep their jobs. When he realises his wife pays bills, for food etc. the problem gets bigger. The wife begins to age very quickly and is very tired at the end of the day.
The husband has intimate needs, but his
wife is really tired after working for 8hours of a long day of work.
She can't fulfill his needs, and he becomes angry. He after sometime feels that
I'm not really attractive to my wife because she is not fulfilling my emotional and sexual needs, and then the problem becomes bigger and bigger.
Why?
The wife is busy going work, she wakes up early in the morning and travels long distance and works for around 9hours, and she's exhausted to have any intimate relations with him. He doesn't feel he's attractive anymore. So he begins to form relationships with the family or friends of the wife due to his spare time and distance from the wife. So this poor exhausted lady who has been the provider for the husband finds out that her husband wants to marry her relative/friend because he feels
"she doesn't love him anymore."
That is a disaster for her, and the end of a marriage, unless he mends his ways, starts working and gives her a break.
Who is
the main problem? the
husband's laziness. &
The wife herself - by
allowing her husband to be lazy and keeping her job - has contributed to the problem. the shaykh's advice to women is; Don't work. Enjoy your life at home. If the husband is forcing you to work, its not your Islamic duty to, its his duty. If you are going to work, work only part time or only the minimum.
Allah says;
Men are in charge of women, because Allah has made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property(for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah has guarded. (Qur'an al Nisa 4:34)
Because
Allah knew that men providing and maintaining for women was a duty upon the male, since that would make the wife respect/love him for that, and in effect - keep the marriage secure.
Two Husbands in the House
- Many women -because of feminism - don't obey their husbands - which is sinful.
Some practising sisters - they are not realising that they should obey their husbands. Allah's Messenger said [meaning];
«لَوْ كُنْتُ آمِرًا أَحَدًا أَنْ يَسْجُدَ لِأَحَدٍ، لَأَمَرْتُ الْمَرْأَةَ أَنْ تَسْجُدَ لِزَوْجِهَا، مِنْ عِظَمِ حَقِّهِ عَلَيْهَا»
(If I were to command anyone to prostrate before anyone, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate before her husband, because of the enormity of his right upon her.)
There are so many other ahadith on the rights of the husband from the wife.
A [non muslim] Noble Prize winner said;
The Economical and Social crisis within the western world is due to the both husbands not playing the role they should play.
Meaning: the husband should provide for the family, and the woman should help the husband in the home to raise the children and the household.
He said; the husband should play his major role, and the wife should play her major role in the house and provide for the children etc. Once each party plays their role, a complimentary relationship will form.
The husband is the provider for the house, and the wife uses this provision to grow the fruits (i.e. children).
A Wife as a Companion
It is the nature of the man; when he comes back home from work, he is tired and frustrated - and
he wants to see his wife looking at him, smiling and caring for him and giving him
attention. If he comes home from work and sees his wife on the phone, or the internet, or her attention isn't on him in a good way - he will feel frustrated. He will feel that his wife is not for him, and due to this - problems start. Even a small thing will become a major thing because he will be ready to argue due to his previous frustration.
Sometimes women might think they've done nothing wrong, not knowing the root of the problem.
Men have emotional needs, and these are fulfilled when we see our wives next to us and on our side, and this is what brings his happiness.
By not obeying the husband, he feels that she is an opposition to him, someone who wants to rebel instead of being a partner in support.
Who has more control in the home? The traditional answer would be that the husband has control of more things within the home. Whereas in reality; women have more control of the house issues. They just don't know it.
How? Men by nature - they don't want to displease their wives. They don't want wives to keep nagging. They want peace of mind in their houses. Because of this, he wants to do anything to keep her quiet, pleased etc.
Advice to women;If you want anything from your husband,ask in a very emotionally pleasing way. You will never get anything from your husband if you act like a man with him.
Famous saying;
The man is like a ring in the wife's fingers, she can move him wherever she wants.
The woman cannot control her husband by lecturing/commanding or forcing him - he will hate her if she is like that. But
just by a kiss, you can get whatever you want from your husband.
Their tears affect the man more than anything, instead of them shouting, they can just cry in a humble way and that will melt the husbands heart and be more effective in putting her message across to the husband.
Unfortunately, many women don't like to exhert this type of etiquette, and this is what usually leads to two husbands' being in the house who are competing against each other - causing the marriage to break down.
Thinking of Success?
Look at the marriage as a project - that project has to be successful, and the project manager is wanting to make the project work.
Many come and complain about their wives, and as a result the male becomes violent, abusive etc, and she shouts back and they have further problems.
Remember; every single man and woman have shortcomings:
It is reported that a man came to 'Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radhiAllahu anhu) to complain about his wife's ill-temper. While he was waiting for 'Umar to come out of his house, he heard 'Umar's wife scolding him and 'Umar quietly listening to her, and not answering her back. The man turned around and started walking away, muttering to himself: "If that is the case with 'Umar, the leader of the believers, who is famous for his uprighteness and toughness, then what about poor me?!" At that moment, 'Umar came out of his house and saw the man walking away. He called him and said, "What is it you want of me, O man?" The man replied: "O leader of the believers, I came to complain to you about my wife's bad-temper and how she nags me. Then I heard your wife doing the same to you, so I turned around, muttering to myself, 'If that is the situation of the leader of the believers, then what about me?'" 'Umar replied, "O my brother, I bear with her because of her rights over me. She cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothes, breast-feeds my child...and yet none of these are her duty;* and then she is a comfort to my heart and keeps me away from forbidden deeds. Consequently, I bear with her." The man said, "It is the same with me, O leader of the believers." 'Umar said: "Then, O my brother, be patient with her, indeed this life is short. (Adh-Dhahabi, Al-Kabâ'ir 194)
This hadith about 'Umar is a beautiful example of the lofty status that Islam has given women. The Ameer ul Mu'mineen [Commander of the Believers] himself used to listen patiently while his wife scolded him and he instructed his followers to likewise be patient and grateful for all the favours their wives gave them.
Solutions:
1)
Don't dwell into the arguments, otherwise you will not have a happy life. Think of the project as a challenge - wanting to make it a success. So ignore any argument instead of thinking too deeply. Otherwise hatred builds up in you, and that in the future leads to divorce.
2) Many men, they think that after sometime in the marriage; his wife has too much problems. Due to evil of freemixing, he thinks that other women are better than his wife, and he starts to get attracted to them. He doesn't consider that they probably have the same flaws as his wife too, since he will only see them women when they are beautified, perfumed and at their best when the freemixing takes place.
As a result of this, when he sees his wife - he raises the expectations, he asks her to be like this.
In response to this fantasy claim; a Scholar who was also a sociology thinker said;
If a man is married to all the women in the world, except one woman, the shaytan will come to him and tell him that this lady has something special about her that is not there with all the women he does have. He will do this in order for him not to lower his gaze, or to chase after her, or to want her, or to make him fall in haram [the forbidden] sins with her.
So, just realise brothers and sisters - every single woman and man have shortcomings, and every marriage life has problems. It's your duty to succeed in extracting the good and ignoring the bad.
An old man who was around 70 at Hajj asked others to pray for his wife who had just passed away, and he said that she was really respectful of him and she would never say 'No' to him. He said he had been married to her for 50years.
So the shaykh thought what the man meant when he said that the wife has never said 'No', since even the Prophet (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) had wives who sometimes said 'No', so was the man exaggerating? No. Why? If someone is looking for a target or achievement [i.e. success], he overlooks all mistakes. He doesn't remember them as mistakes.
3) According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect:
The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, the answer is simple. In his book, Eggerichs explains that extensive research has found that
a man’s primary need is for respect, while a woman’s primary need is for love. He describes what he calls the “crazy cycle”—the pattern of argumentation that results when the wife does not show respect and the husband does not show love. He explains how the two reinforce and cause one another. In other words, when a wife feels that her husband is acting unloving, she often reacts with disrespect, which in turn makes the husband act even more unloving.
Eggerichs argues that the solution to the “crazy cycle” is for the
wife to show unconditional respect to her husband and
for the husband to show unconditional love to his wife. This means that a wife should not say that first her husband must be loving before she will show him respect. By doing so, she will only bring about more unloving behavior. And a husband should not say that first his wife must be respectful before he will show her love. By doing so, he will only bring about more disrespectful behavior. The two must be unconditional.
When I reflected on this concept, I realized that looking at the Quran and prophetic wisdom [Sunnah], there are no two concepts more stressed with regards to the marital relationship.
So research any verse from Qur'an, or any hadeeth and you will find that Allah and His Messenger command the husband to be kind, patient, and gentle with his wife, and the believing women are commanded to be respectful and obedient to their husbands. This patience and mercy from the husband shows love to the wife, and obedience shows respect to the husband. This makes the perfect marital relationship, success taught over 1400 years ago!
4)
Overlooking mistakes;
I came home and my wife didn't cook. Just overlook it. It's better than spoiling your marriage relations totally. Overlook, Ignore, Pretend that you didn't notice. You will see your life differently, you will enjoy being with your wife, and she will try even harder to try to please you you.
5)
Think of making problems, and you'll get them. Don't think of making problems, and you won't have any.
If you look in the house, you can think of making a problem with the wife, or you can avoid making problems. So you might see your wife clean the house; you can either shout at her for forgetting to clean up one part of the house, or you can avoid making the problem by telling her that she's done a good job of cleaning the house, and that she just missed abit of cleaning up in the corner of the room.
The same way; if the wife wants to make a problem - she can think that her husband is shouting at her, or she can avoid problems by thinking that he is just trying to tell her helpfully of abit of cleaning that she missed.
So instead; think you are loving each other and that you don't want to pick on mistakes. Give each other excuses. This makes the house more peaceful, and better for the children too. Isn't that what you want in marriage life?
Transcription of lecture [with additions & editions]:
Why Marriages Fail - Haitham Haddad.