I need your advices please

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I am going through something, which may seem trivial to some but it effects me deeply. So much so that it keeps me awake at night and i spend crying for hours. There was an individual in our family(stepfather) who spent years abusing my mother financially and worse of all, mentally, he also made up lies about her and spread all over the world, he made her life a living hell. He would visit her sometimes ones a year, He denied her the right to have more children, and abanded the ones he already had. My mother continued to treat him with kindness masha allah, and he never appreciated ones, instead, he got worse and worse. All this abuse she went through, affected me emotionally aswell as mentally, it left me angry and hateful towards him. This person is known to do this to his wives, she was aware before they got married that he left his first wife whilst she was carrying his child and he never came back to her. Not only that today he hates the child he left, and no one knows why even though it was him that abanded him and the mother. His son lives in poverty in a poverty stricken counrty and he refused to financially support him since he is well off and is somewhat wealthy. Anyways, one day she went to his city hoping to make things workout and ask him as to why he is treating her this way, but he told her that he found another wife and divorced her on the spot. When he married the other woman bad things started happening to him the woman pretty much kicked him out and threatened to call the police on him within a week of their marriage, things went down hill from there for him. recently he started crawling back to my mother and iam not happy about this at all. I don't know how to remove myself from this situation or what to do. I know i will be fine if iam not around this person. Everywhere i look i realise i don't really have anyone else in the world to turn to. My mother is willing to give him a chance even though she knows this makes me extremely unhappy. I don't know how she is willing to hurt her own flesh, but she plans to anyways. Although iam aware that its unislamic for a female to live on her own, i decided to discuss with her about the possibility of finding a roommate to live with. she told me if i ever step out of the house that she will disown me and she will no longer be my mother. I know the only reason he wants back is so he can just boast about it. I have spoken to her, cried, begged and pleaded many, many times but she doesn't really care about how i feel. Nor does she want to come up with some sort of solution where everyone will be happy. I just want to be at peace with myself, i cannot stand this person and i want to be as far away from him as i can. Please advice me.

P.s. Please don't tell me to get married.
Shukran
 
:wa:this is very strange dont know why she would take this person back after being abused and abandoned. did you ask her why she wants to take this risk? what makes her believe she will be safe second time around? what a vulgar man

she might be under the influence of something much stronger. abused women would never go back a second time because the abuse that she would have suffered before would make her to afraid to return to a man like that

How long were they separated for?
 
AnonymousGender said:
I am going through something, which may seem trivial to some but it effects me deeply. So much so that it keeps me awake at night and i spend crying for hours. There was an individual in our family(stepfather) who spent years abusing my mother financially and worse of all, mentally, he also made up lies about her and spread all over the world, he made her life a living hell. He would visit her sometimes ones a year, He denied her the right to have more children, and abanded the ones he already had. My mother continued to treat him with kindness masha allah, and he never appreciated ones, instead, he got worse and worse. All this abuse she went through, affected me emotionally aswell as mentally, it left me angry and hateful towards him. This person is known to do this to his wives, she was aware before they got married that he left his first wife whilst she was carrying his child and he never came back to her. Not only that today he hates the child he left, and no one knows why even though it was him that abanded him and the mother. His son lives in poverty in a poverty stricken counrty and he refused to financially support him since he is well off and is somewhat wealthy. Anyways, one day she went to his city hoping to make things workout and ask him as to why he is treating her this way, but he told her that he found another wife and divorced her on the spot. When he married the other woman bad things started happening to him the woman pretty much kicked him out and threatened to call the police on him within a week of their marriage, things went down hill from there for him. recently he started crawling back to my mother and iam not happy about this at all. I don't know how to remove myself from this situation or what to do. I know i will be fine if iam not around this person. Everywhere i look i realise i don't really have anyone else in the world to turn to. My mother is willing to give him a chance even though she knows this makes me extremely unhappy. I don't know how she is willing to hurt her own flesh, but she plans to anyways. Although iam aware that its unislamic for a female to live on her own, i decided to discuss with her about the possibility of finding a roommate to live with. she told me if i ever step out of the house that she will disown me and she will no longer be my mother. I know the only reason he wants back is so he can just boast about it. I have spoken to her, cried, begged and pleaded many, many times but she doesn't really care about how i feel. Nor does she want to come up with some sort of solution where everyone will be happy. I just want to be at peace with myself, i cannot stand this person and i want to be as far away from him as i can. Please advice me.

P.s. Please don't tell me to get married.
Shukran
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:sl:

First of all you have to realize this is your mother's choice and she has the right to make this choice, and that is her right, no matter how bad it seems to you. From the perspective of the shariah, you have no right to leave your home, especially without your parents' permission. It is upon you to obey and respect them, unless they command you to do something that is against the shariah. In that case you do not have to obey them. The advice I can give you is to be patient, and keep to yourself. If your step-father and you don't get along, than stay away from him as much as possible, but at the same time, never disrespect him or speak to him in a wrong way. Inshaa Allaah, if you be patient, Allaah will reward you, but if you try to stir things up, than you will get nothing but evil as a result.

Jazaakum Allaah khair, hope and pray you accept this naseeha
 
:sl:

AnonymousGender said:
. I don't know how she is willing to hurt her own flesh,
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Sis , your mother is a human being and she has a right to take a decision about her life . So , pl. don't put pressure on her , just discuss.


[/QUOTE]

i want to be as far away from him as i can.[/QUOTE]


where are your real father , grand parents of both sides ? No uncle , aunt to live with ?



Please don't tell me to get married.
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but why not ? Are u afraid to get married ?
 
cat eyes said:
:wa:this is very strange dont know why she would take this person back after being abused and abandoned. did you ask her why she wants to take this risk? what makes her believe she will be safe second time around? what a vulgar man

she might be under the influence of something much stronger. abused women would never go back a second time because the abuse that she would have suffered before would make her to afraid to return to a man like that

How long were they separated for?
Click to expand...

They have been separated for few years. I asked her as to why she would take him back and she says that because she wants money, this is the only reason why she is taking him back because he promised her a lot of money. The reason he treated her the way he did is because some of his friends messed up with his head and told him he could do better and that women are good when they are abused. But my mother she treated him like a king while he treated her like dirt. Also she still talks behind his back and calls him a loser, and that he is the same person. He is 50 plus year old man who listens to what other men tell him. But he did it to his first wife and that tells me that he is just naturally abusive. She just doesn't get it, he is the same person, he still carries the same bad attitude, and she knows this. Anyways i don't care how he treats her anymore, our whole life, since when i was a small toddler she had been marrying abusive men and i suffered along with her. Now that iam old enough, i just don't want to be going through this anymore. She can suffer all she wants because she is the one who is keep repeating the same old cycle which is never going to end. Just the other day few women came over and one of them said that he is constantly begging her to talk to my mother so that she can take him back, my mother acted like she wasn't taking him back and she turns around and says that my daughter doesn't want him. I wanted to tell the woman that iam not the one preventing him from coming back and that its money that is keeping him from coming. But i kept my mouth shut and continued to listen to my mother who sat there blaming everything on me.


Muslim woman- She has already made her decision, and now iam trying to figure out a way out of this for my emotional well being. My father lives in a third world country, and doesn't want me so he is not an option for me to live with him.
 
AnonymousGender said:
I am going through something, which may seem trivial to some but it effects me deeply. So much so that it keeps me awake at night and i spend crying for hours. There was an individual in our family(stepfather) who spent years abusing my mother financially and worse of all, mentally, he also made up lies about her and spread all over the world, he made her life a living hell. He would visit her sometimes ones a year, He denied her the right to have more children, and abanded the ones he already had. My mother continued to treat him with kindness masha allah, and he never appreciated ones, instead, he got worse and worse. All this abuse she went through, affected me emotionally aswell as mentally, it left me angry and hateful towards him. This person is known to do this to his wives, she was aware before they got married that he left his first wife whilst she was carrying his child and he never came back to her. Not only that today he hates the child he left, and no one knows why even though it was him that abanded him and the mother. His son lives in poverty in a poverty stricken counrty and he refused to financially support him since he is well off and is somewhat wealthy. Anyways, one day she went to his city hoping to make things workout and ask him as to why he is treating her this way, but he told her that he found another wife and divorced her on the spot. When he married the other woman bad things started happening to him the woman pretty much kicked him out and threatened to call the police on him within a week of their marriage, things went down hill from there for him. recently he started crawling back to my mother and iam not happy about this at all. I don't know how to remove myself from this situation or what to do. I know i will be fine if iam not around this person. Everywhere i look i realise i don't really have anyone else in the world to turn to. My mother is willing to give him a chance even though she knows this makes me extremely unhappy. I don't know how she is willing to hurt her own flesh, but she plans to anyways. Although iam aware that its unislamic for a female to live on her own, i decided to discuss with her about the possibility of finding a roommate to live with. she told me if i ever step out of the house that she will disown me and she will no longer be my mother. I know the only reason he wants back is so he can just boast about it. I have spoken to her, cried, begged and pleaded many, many times but she doesn't really care about how i feel. Nor does she want to come up with some sort of solution where everyone will be happy. I just want to be at peace with myself, i cannot stand this person and i want to be as far away from him as i can. Please advice me.

P.s. Please don't tell me to get married.
Shukran
Click to expand...

:sl: support her, be there for her and don't feel that she does not want the best for you or does not care about your feelings because she would give her life for you.

These are the evil whisperings of shaythan and you should disregard them completley and be there for your mother and support her fully in whatever she decides to do.

We only have one mother so let us make the best of the time we have with them and let us treat them the best because everytime we have ever said "uff" to them we will surely regret. Your mother has been through enough so give her your support that you will be there for her no matter what she decides, but leaving the house is by far the worst thing you can do to your dear mother.

Make the best of the precious time you have with her left in this world and do your best to make her happy and feel loved, cared for and supported.

Abu Hurairah, a companion of the holy Prophet, has said that "a person is indeed disgraced, who does not earn Paradise by caring for his parents during the life time and old age of his/her parents".

A person once asked the holy Prophet, "Who has the greatest claim on me with regard to service and kind treatment?" The Holy Prophet replied, "Your mother and again your mother and once again your mother. After her is the claim of your father, then that of your near relatives, and then of the relations next to them". (Al-Bukhari)

:wa:
 
Answer from Shaykh Dremali:

Assalamu Alaikum

This is a very tough and emotionally draining situation Subhan'Allah, may Allah SWT make it easy and deliver you from this. However, as long as you are living there, there is not much you can do about your mother's choices. If you cannot leave then you must occupy your time with beneficial things, things that will take your mind off of the painful emotions, and which will raise your Iman instead. This is the best thing for you, in times of hardship, to turn to the only one who can help you, ALLAH SWT. Make sincere du'aa to Allah, and persist in it, then you will see His mercy rain upon you bi'idhnillah. Give in charity, do all your obligatory deeds plus extra good deeds, do everything that pleases Him SWT, and ask Him to help you and find a way out for you. He SWT will do it Insha'Allah, as Allah SWT says in Surat al-Talaq


“And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish this purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” Surah al-Talaq (65:2-3)

Here are some other du'aa from the Sunnah that you can read Insha'Allah


Invocations for Worry and Grief

Allaahumma 'innee 'a'oothu bika minal-hammi walhazani, wal'ajzi walkasali, walbukhli waljubni, wa dhala'id-dayni wa ghalabatir-rijaal .
O Allah , I seek refuge in you from grief and sadness, from weakness and from laziness, from miserliness and from cowardice, from being overcome by debt and overpowered by men (i .e . others) .

Reference: Al-Bukhari 7/158. See also Al-Asqalani, Fathul-Bari 11/173.


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Invocations for Anguish

Allaahumma rahmataka 'arjoo falaa takilnee 'ilaa nafsee tarfata 'aynin, wa 'aslih lee sha'nee kullahu, laa'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta.
O Allah , I hope for Your mercy . Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment) . Correct all of my affairs for me . There is none worthy of worship but You.

Reference: Abu Dawud 4/324, Ahmad 5/42. Al-Albani graded it as good in Sahih Abu Dawud 3/959.

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The Dua of Yunus:

The Prophet SAW said in the hadith recorded by At-Tirmithi and others:

The invocation of my brother Dhu-n-Nun, "None has the right to be worshipped except You; glory be to You, far removed are You from any imperfection; I have been among the wrong-doers," none who is experiencing difficulty employs it except that Allah SWT would relieve him of his difficulty.La ila ha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minadhalimeen (Ch. Al-Anbiya (21): vs. 87)

May Allah SWT make it easy for you and remove all difficulty for you. You can also try talking to your local imam for help Insha'Allah.

Jazakee Allah Khayran

dremali.com
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