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sadsister
03-14-2010, 05:51 PM
Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. My husbands behaviour is something i can not
tolerate and / or understand. I apologize for this point if i lay out
some secrets that it is only family affair, but i can not hold it inside
me any longer.
My husband talks with other women online, he talks very, very, intime and private things and on the other hand, he is planning another marriage with some other women, also online.,
These things really hurt me, when i ask him about those things and
what is he up to exactly, he get's furious and beats me.
Just recently, when i asked him about those matters(other ladys,
and chatting in front of me) he said that for him i am just a housekeeper,
someone who takes care of his kids =(. He called me names that you can't even hear on the street told to the most cheap women.
I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
very harshly, beating included. Before i started asking him this, we were doing really well in every portion of life but my mind got a hold
on me and i had to ask cause it was bothering me truly and i weren't able to go on my daily life when i was just thinking and crying all the time.
Did i do wrong in islam when i asked about such matter?
Am i suppose to just hold on and be happy and ignore those matters?
What shall i do?
I regret so much now that i asked him, we would be doing good if i just holded and waited. =(
On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
Reply

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islamirama
03-14-2010, 11:37 PM
Wa'alaikum as’salaam wa rahmatullaah wa Barakaatuh


What your husband is doing is haraam and very sinful. He needs to be aware of the Islamic Manners when talking to women. and needs to stop his unislamic and haram behavior. This is nothing short of virtual adultery.



He also needs to give you your islamic rights by providing for you, treating you with kindness and being a good husband. How can he even think of a 2nd marriage when he can't even fulfill the obligations and responsibilities of the first one. You have every right to question and ask him what he is doing online and what not, he has no place to be doing what he is doing.



I don't know if you have any kids in this marriage or not but having them could complicate things. Nonetheless, the best choice for you would be to talk to an imam or islamic marriage counselor. If he is abusive and unwilling to listen to you than clearly marriage counseling is in order as well as imam intervention to knock some sense into him. Also, try to avoid making him go crazy so he doesn't go all abusive on you and continue to make dua for his hidayaat, what's good for you and your marriage.
Reply

Italianguy
03-14-2010, 11:41 PM
Originally Posted by sadsister
Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. My husbands behaviour is something i can not
tolerate and / or understand. I apologize for this point if i lay out
some secrets that it is only family affair, but i can not hold it inside
me any longer.
My husband talks with other women online, he talks very, very, intime and private things and on the other hand, he is planning another marriage with some other women, also online.,
These things really hurt me, when i ask him about those things and
what is he up to exactly, he get's furious and beats me.
Just recently, when i asked him about those matters(other ladys,
and chatting in front of me) he said that for him i am just a housekeeper,
someone who takes care of his kids =(. He called me names that you can't even hear on the street told to the most cheap women.
I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
very harshly, beating included. Before i started asking him this, we were doing really well in every portion of life but my mind got a hold
on me and i had to ask cause it was bothering me truly and i weren't able to go on my daily life when i was just thinking and crying all the time.
Did i do wrong in islam when i asked about such matter?
Am i suppose to just hold on and be happy and ignore those matters?
What shall i do?
I regret so much now that i asked him, we would be doing good if i just holded and waited. =(
On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
This is so sadimsad I hate hearing a woman has been beaten:heated: I don't care who says it's ok! It's not! God forgive me for what i would become if I were to be around this man when he did this!

I pray somehow God makes it easier on you.Amen
Reply

waqas maqsood
03-14-2010, 11:49 PM
Salam Alakum to all!

Subhanallah.... Dear Sadsister...

This is a trial time from Allah and you have to be strong.. Under no circumstances, should he be beating/hitting you... It is against the teaching of Islam...

My best bet would be to keep living your life according to the deen and eventually, Inshallah, he will come clean...

What's more important to you at this moment is not to be repeatly being abused and the safety of yourself and the children!

I don't know exactly what the situation is at present.. but best bet is to talk to either your brother/father... in a clam way and ask for their opinions and advise...

May Allah ease your problems! Ameen
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Alpha Dude
03-14-2010, 11:55 PM
Asalamu Alaykum,

May Allah make things easy for you, ameen.

Sister, if you live in the UK, try contacting the Islamic Da'wah Acdademy for advice. Their number is (0116) 262-5440. I believe they can offer matrimonial advice. You can also email them at: info@idauk.org
Reply

Salahudeen
03-15-2010, 12:03 AM
^ameen, you are going through a hard test sister :( please seek help from some 1 like imam or from the link the brother posted.

don't let him get away with beating you though :( you have to put a stop to this.

Even if you have to call the police cos he's beating you do it, your safety comes first.
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
03-15-2010, 01:11 AM
:sl:
speak to reliable imam =)

I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
anger or no anger this isnt an excuse to treat someone like rubbish.
this is when things go wrong in a marriage...when the spouses keep making excuses and as a result get walked all over.

On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.

dont listen to him and dont let yourself take the blame. if you know you have done nothing wrong, there is no need to worry.

may allah ease your burdens.
Reply

CosmicPathos
03-15-2010, 01:15 AM
Originally Posted by sadsister
Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. My husbands behaviour is something i can not
tolerate and / or understand. I apologize for this point if i lay out
some secrets that it is only family affair, but i can not hold it inside
me any longer.
My husband talks with other women online, he talks very, very, intime and private things and on the other hand, he is planning another marriage with some other women, also online.,
These things really hurt me, when i ask him about those things and
what is he up to exactly, he get's furious and beats me.
Just recently, when i asked him about those matters(other ladys,
and chatting in front of me) he said that for him i am just a housekeeper,
someone who takes care of his kids =(. He called me names that you can't even hear on the street told to the most cheap women.
I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
very harshly, beating included. Before i started asking him this, we were doing really well in every portion of life but my mind got a hold
on me and i had to ask cause it was bothering me truly and i weren't able to go on my daily life when i was just thinking and crying all the time.
Did i do wrong in islam when i asked about such matter?
Am i suppose to just hold on and be happy and ignore those matters?
What shall i do?
I regret so much now that i asked him, we would be doing good if i just holded and waited. =(
On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
You cannot keep on tolerating the abuse of this coward perverted man. Is it ok for you to mention what ethnicity your husband belongs to? Is he a "born Muslim" or accepted Islam like you did? Is it an inter-racial marriage?
Reply

sadsister
03-15-2010, 04:20 PM
Salaamaleikum All!

I can't thank enough you all for the support and compassion! Alhamdulillah!

Some answers for the questions:
My husband is a natural born muslim, arab. I am from europe but not england. I became a muslim before our marriage. We have two beautiful kids mashAllah.
What makes me wonder this situation more is that he is one of the leaders in our local mosque, this has made me wonder the whole islam.
The shaytaan is whispering to me that if this is islam, then i don't want it astaghfirullah! It's hard to see someone "religious" doing things like that in front of me
and then others think that he is very pious and honest.
I by myself try to do the very opposite, i pray for him and make duaa for him that he correct his ways and understand what he is doing. Sometimes i am thinking that maybe there is something serious sin i have done that i get punished now, by a difficult husband, like a trial will i ask for a divorce-which he would never ever give me.
Here we don't have any kind of marriage counseling, or even big imams who could solve it. And on the other hand, he would never agree to go to solve things with anyone else, he says that our family business is not anyones business.
I have isolated myself from all the muslim sisters around, one of the reason is that he says they are not good and they just make back biting. Maybe it's true and i obeyd him. But my mind says that he just don't want anyone to know our situation.
Right now, we continue like this, i am his housekeeper and care taker. I cope with it for now as i am waiting from Allah something better to come on my way, some solution. I don't know is it from shaytaan or is it fitna, but i get really sad and actually jelious when i see some other sisters very happy with their husbands and i know the husband don't beat them or call them ugly names or other bad things that occures. =(
Is it possible that this kind of matter in a marriage could be a punishment for me?
Someone already said before that it surely is a trial. I believe so.
But i must say that this issue for me is very heart breaking and vicious.

Forgive me if i have said something that it's not correct and hurting someones feelings.
Reply

ny_aish
03-15-2010, 04:25 PM
Salam sister,
I will try to get a Dua for you to help this relationship.
Wsalam
Reply

Alpha Dude
03-15-2010, 04:28 PM
Wa alaykum salam,

Sister, although you're in Europe, you can still try talking to the people I gave the email address of earlier.
Reply

cat eyes
03-15-2010, 05:52 PM
.......................................
Reply

CosmicPathos
03-15-2010, 06:16 PM
Originally Posted by sadsister
Salaamaleikum All!

I can't thank enough you all for the support and compassion! Alhamdulillah!

Some answers for the questions:
My husband is a natural born muslim, arab. I am from europe but not england. I became a muslim before our marriage. We have two beautiful kids mashAllah.
What makes me wonder this situation more is that he is one of the leaders in our local mosque, this has made me wonder the whole islam.
The shaytaan is whispering to me that if this is islam, then i don't want it astaghfirullah! It's hard to see someone "religious" doing things like that in front of me
and then others think that he is very pious and honest.
I by myself try to do the very opposite, i pray for him and make duaa for him that he correct his ways and understand what he is doing. Sometimes i am thinking that maybe there is something serious sin i have done that i get punished now, by a difficult husband, like a trial will i ask for a divorce-which he would never ever give me.
Here we don't have any kind of marriage counseling, or even big imams who could solve it. And on the other hand, he would never agree to go to solve things with anyone else, he says that our family business is not anyones business.
I have isolated myself from all the muslim sisters around, one of the reason is that he says they are not good and they just make back biting. Maybe it's true and i obeyd him. But my mind says that he just don't want anyone to know our situation.
Right now, we continue like this, i am his housekeeper and care taker. I cope with it for now as i am waiting from Allah something better to come on my way, some solution. I don't know is it from shaytaan or is it fitna, but i get really sad and actually jelious when i see some other sisters very happy with their husbands and i know the husband don't beat them or call them ugly names or other bad things that occures. =(
Is it possible that this kind of matter in a marriage could be a punishment for me?
Someone already said before that it surely is a trial. I believe so.
But i must say that this issue for me is very heart breaking and vicious.

Forgive me if i have said something that it's not correct and hurting someones feelings.
why do we get to hear this a lot in interracial marriages, especially when the woman is a revert to Islam .... I think revert Muslimahs must adopt a strict stance in marrying "born Muslims" from now on and not fall prey to the thoughts that these guys are ideal ... just cuz they were born in Islam ...

May Allah rectify your husband or break his back if he is not willing to stop this violence on you.
Reply

sadsister
03-15-2010, 11:23 PM
Salaamaleikum everyone!

Many people here seem to hold on to this beating issue. But as i have been living with it for years now, its a lot easier to take those punches than to be abandonded emotionally and physically. Any sister or even a brother can relate and imagine how that must feel like. I feel very hurted and abused.
I feel he has been laughing at me for years while chatting all over, i just happened to open my eyes for it so late. I have no doubt about his actions, it's black on white.
And he doesn't even try to hide his joy while talking with them in front of me, every single day.
I understand taking another wife is allowed for him
but i can't see a reason for it! I am young, not sick or unable to fulfill his needs, able to bring kids, fully veiled, obey Allah's commands and obey him.
What more can he want?
Obviosly my iman is very low cause i feel this way. I just couldn't bare him having another family, it would kill me.

But here i come to my question: is it allowed to first get to know the womens private matters and way after that start to suggest to marry her? Or is it just about the intension of the talking? If intension is marriage, is this kind of chatting allowed?
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
03-16-2010, 02:01 AM
Some answers for the questions:
My husband is a natural born muslim, arab. I am from europe but not england. I became a muslim before our marriage. We have two beautiful kids mashAllah.
What makes me wonder this situation more is that he is one of the leaders in our local mosque, this has made me wonder the whole islam.
The shaytaan is whispering to me that if this is islam, then i don't want it astaghfirullah! It's hard to see someone "religious" doing things like that in front of me and then others think that he is very pious and honest.
ukthee, i can understand why you may associate Islam by the way you have been treated, but they are 2 separate issues :)
i have honestly seen men whose people love for their deen and service to the Muslim community, are full bearded, follow the sunnah in every other way, but come to their own wife and family, its a very very different story. trust me, these men aren't worth loosing your precious deen over :phew

but then again, i've seen brothers who are exactly like i described and yet treat their wives and families with their due rights and respect.

so try not to muddle one issue with another =)

if you cant find an Imam to speak to try writing to one online/send a letter to the next nearest imam there are a lot of issues involved in your situation that i dont think you will be able to get help with on an online forum =)

all the best and keep up the dua...
Reply

revert2007
03-16-2010, 02:06 AM
any kind of relationship outside the marriage is haram.
there is no such things has dating and chatting with opposite gender.

so what he did is very wrong.Allah knows the best
Reply

anonymous
03-16-2010, 03:44 AM
salamo alaykom,

i feel sad to hear your husband is doing these things to you :( im so sorry but Muslim man are not like this at all. your husband is obviously doing wrong from what we can see so far.

is it possible to divorce this man, who only seems to be muslim by name, but not muslim in his adab/manners? or can you talk to him and tell him to fear Allah, or maybe since he is a mosque leader, you can send him a similar case to yours, but dont let him know it is you, then he will give answer as to what a person in such situation should do.

may Allah help you sister, and its inspiring to see you still strong, after seeing muslim men behaviour like this. usually a person may leave this deen when what is happening to them like this. take care sister, may Allah protect you.
Reply

innocent
03-16-2010, 11:48 AM
Salam sister.
I truly feel for you. You should not be tolerating beatings for years as you say you have. What he is doing is haram upon haram upon haram. You have every right to seek divorce and he cannot stop you. What effect must this be having on your children? Even if it doesnt happen in front of them they will be affected by it they will know. If not for yourself them please do it for your children-get out of this marriage. That isthe best possible advice I can give you and I will pray for you.
Reply

cat eyes
03-16-2010, 12:05 PM
.........................................
Reply

tigerkhan
03-16-2010, 01:24 PM
:sl:
got v.sad by ur post....May ALLAH swt make things easy for u.
one thing i want to add more.....if u see some1 doing wrong things, closed ur eyes from him.dont make tajusus/detections of Him. Prayer has much power and if some1 is mazlomm/weak, his/her prayer are most accepatble. So pray for Him and urself.
soory for my weak englisg vacabulary.
:wa:
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
03-17-2010, 01:58 AM
Originally Posted by sadsister
Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. My husbands behaviour is something i can not
tolerate and / or understand. I apologize for this point if i lay out
some secrets that it is only family affair, but i can not hold it inside
me any longer.
My husband talks with other women online, he talks very, very, intime and private things and on the other hand, he is planning another marriage with some other women, also online.,
These things really hurt me, when i ask him about those things and
what is he up to exactly, he get's furious and beats me.
Just recently, when i asked him about those matters(other ladys,
and chatting in front of me) he said that for him i am just a housekeeper,
someone who takes care of his kids =(. He called me names that you can't even hear on the street told to the most cheap women.
I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
very harshly, beating included. Before i started asking him this, we were doing really well in every portion of life but my mind got a hold
on me and i had to ask cause it was bothering me truly and i weren't able to go on my daily life when i was just thinking and crying all the time.
Did i do wrong in islam when i asked about such matter?
Am i suppose to just hold on and be happy and ignore those matters?
What shall i do?
I regret so much now that i asked him, we would be doing good if i just holded and waited. =(
On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
:wa: My sister you should get urgent advice from a scholar on your issues. If you tell me what town your from i may be able to try and get hold of a scholar for you for it is incumbant that you get the right scholarly advice on your issues. :wa:
Reply

sadsister
03-18-2010, 06:57 PM
Salaamaleikum!

I have contacted this Dawa center to which someone gave
an e-mail address. I haven't received an answer yet but I am waiting.
The athmosphere here at home is now much more peacefull and comfort.
My husband swore to me on the Holy Quran and our lord Allah swt to be honest with me and that he doesn't cheat behind my back. Even, the messages I have seen are different, I can't put a doubt over an oath on Allah swt. This comforted me enough to continue for now.
Reply

cat eyes
03-18-2010, 08:01 PM
................................................
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Argamemnon
03-18-2010, 08:33 PM
Leave him if the beating continues, he is a worthless and selfish person. Why do you allow someone to beat you? And you said he has been beating you for years?? I'm sorry, but if I were a woman I would never allow anyone to beat me! Please dear sister, have some self-respect. You are not an animal and even animals can't be beaten or abused in Islam.
Reply

happy
03-18-2010, 09:32 PM
sister don't punish your self if you did sin then it is between you and Allah.Subhannalahi you have to think what is best for you and no matter what your husband does you know this evil deed has nothing to do with Islam and Allah is your lord and islam is the truth so no matter what happen don't give up your religion becuase unfortunately there are some people who called themself pious but they are not anyway make dua to Allah and seek his help.Also if you think this is punishment then seek forgiveness.
Reply

sadsister
03-19-2010, 10:42 PM
"Why do you allow someone to beat you? And you said he has been beating you for years??"

It is not that easy to leave the father of your children on the state of pregnancy. Before I always thought that every muslim man beats his wife but later I got wiser and knew it's not true(of course!)
It is allowed to beat your wife slightly with siwak but this only after warning and separation in bed, as a last option.
I know beating is wrong...but there is nothing I can do about it anymore.
It sure makes me sad but I am hoping to get something better instead of this matter, if not in this Dunya, then in the Akhira in sh Allah!
Reply

KittenLover
03-19-2010, 10:51 PM
I guess stockholme syndrome is real :(
Reply

cat eyes
03-20-2010, 07:26 PM
...........................................
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sadsister
03-22-2010, 07:47 PM
stokcholm syndrome...
My only prayer for Allah is hat this situation would be fixed somehow,
I never imagined to be treated like trash, and in this I mean the mental abuse in daily bases. I have talked about it to everybody but it doesn't help! I am going to go to a therapy also trying to get over all this sadness in my heart. My husband doesn't care to listen to my talking about my feelings and sadness, for him it doesn't matter. I hope to get any help from the therapy sessions at least.
Thank You so much for everyone here for your opinions(good and bad)!
Reply

★ηαѕιнα★
03-23-2010, 09:54 AM
^^ Assalamu alaikom dear sister. Im so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I see a lot of these situations in my line of work. It actually occurs in many layers of society no matter which social class or ethnicity those men are. You usually see a pattern though when you look at the generations. Men who abuse usually saw their mums get beaten and continue in the same pattern as they have seen. This causes their children to see them abuse their mum and the drama continues. Sad to see really.

I wanted to shed a more psychosocial light on this matter. See sis if he continues to threat you like that the damage he does isnt only physically. The children will also be affected emotionally and psychologically. And not to mention what this all does to you.
I must say I admire you for your strength dear sister. If only I had such a thick skin.

About the children: this effects them deeply cos they are in a very fragile stage of their lives right now. When they witness you getting hit they will come to think they are the blame. This results in them behaving like angels and taking care of you to try to make things better for you. This means they will not enjoy their childhood and actually become caregivers instead of the ones who get care. You will see a change in their behaviour. When there too silent or the opposite, if you cant handle them anymore (they dont listen, are rude and stuff) you know somethings up. Your childrens teacher will probably notice the change as well. Since school is the second important living space of children. When something is up at home it shows at school and the other way around. Its like a parrallel thing. And when the teacher notices somethings wrong then social services will be called. They will get you out of that place along with your children (personnaly i think this is a good thing).

And you as your mother have to protect your children. Even against their own father.
And you know, you not leaving sends the message to your husband that its OK what he's doing. Just because he did not have a wake-up call yet. By keeping the situation as it is he thinks all is good and he will continue his behaviour. When you leave he will get some time to think and reflect on the matter.
He needs to realise that he already has what he wants: a beautiful wife and lovely children. He needs to wake up!

So my advice to you is: Make loads of dua. Try all the advice as mentioned by other members above. If that is not helping then I want to urge you te leave for the sake of your children (do istikhara first). Go to your mums or your sisters. You guys leaving will damage you kids thats true. But it wont be a big of a damage as on long-term when you stay in this situation and your children witness their mother whom they love so very much get beaten without them being able to stop it or change it. It will cause them to feel guilty for not helping you and angry with their father. This last thing will not do good to the father-child relationship.

I hope inshallah your husband will see the light when it comes to this. And hope inshallah he will turn out to be the best husband and father in your region inshallah ameen.

Isnt there a muslimagency for Social Work in England btw?
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
03-23-2010, 10:10 AM
:sl:
^spot on. sometimes when a child sees that their father isn't respecting/abusing their mother, they tend to grow up treating the mother like rubbish as-well. im not sure if this is the same case if it were the mother disrespecting/abusing the father, because i haven't really seen this type of case before to make a comment about it.

the children also get affected by it, because if they are boys, they are likely to treat their wives the same and grow up with a real bad insecurity towards women. and if they are girls, they likewise will also grow up with a real bad insecurity of men, not to mention may think its ok for their husbands to treat them eh same way their fathers treated their mothers. you know, they may become desensitized to this sort of stuff. your girls will also grow up extremely paranoid about marriage.

your kids may also develop forms of child depression (i dont know if there is such things, but i just say that to illustrate the point that children do undergo psychological stress, etc as well). they will get extremely distressed seeing their mother namely, go through such stress as-well. you may find yourself getting snappy at them due to your own state of stress, etc and as a result they will think that they you dont love them and/or that they are to blame.
Reply

sadsister
03-23-2010, 10:35 PM
SubhaanAllah, these last posts are so very true. The children do get affected by this situation goes more further daily. My distress is so powerful that it has become a struggle to take care of the house and kids needs. I am not proud at all how i treat them, especially my first born, 3 years old boy.
Oh Allah, i know how badly i should take the kids and leave, but i am too afraid what will happen after that. My husband has threated me to kill me (even by describing how he would do it) if i ever planned or even said the word divorce. This fear is keeping me with him, i am afraid for myself, my children and my family. I don't want anyone to get seriously injured.
I wish there was away to tell him how i feel, how it hurts when he doesn't care for me. But everytime i start talking, i get hurted more and more, mentally or physically.
I write here all this cause i find it helping saying these things out loud, keeping it inside increases the agony.
Reply

cat eyes
03-24-2010, 12:00 AM
u didnt reply to my other post. are u close with your family? do u see them or what?
Reply

★ηαѕιнα★
03-24-2010, 08:19 AM
Originally Posted by sadsister
SubhaanAllah, these last posts are so very true. The children do get affected by this situation goes more further daily. My distress is so powerful that it has become a struggle to take care of the house and kids needs. I am not proud at all how i treat them, especially my first born, 3 years old boy.
Oh Allah, i know how badly i should take the kids and leave, but i am too afraid what will happen after that. My husband has threated me to kill me (even by describing how he would do it) if i ever planned or even said the word divorce. This fear is keeping me with him, i am afraid for myself, my children and my family. I don't want anyone to get seriously injured.
I wish there was away to tell him how i feel, how it hurts when he doesn't care for me. But everytime i start talking, i get hurted more and more, mentally or physically.
I write here all this cause i find it helping saying these things out loud, keeping it inside increases the agony.
Im so sorry sis but I dont have any good thing to say about this "brother".
First of all he needs to keep his hands to himself. Secondly what love is there when you threaten your wife to kill her? He is not providing a safe environment for you and your children right now. And him giving a detailed explaination implies he thought about it deeply. Next question is: would he actually do it? Would he hurt you when you are around your family?

Subhanallah didnt know a "brother" could turn out to have such non-islamic thoughts. I think deep down he is scared of the consequences you leaving will have. That means he will have to take care of himself for one and secondly he would feel ashamed cos his wife left him. Wont do much good to his "image".

So to prevent you for causing all this he is trying to hold you down with threats of killing you. Has he threatened to hurt the children?
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sadsister
03-24-2010, 09:37 PM
Dear sister,
my family knows the situation here, his threats and his abusive behaviour, only thing I never spoke about is the beating, every other detail is revelaled.
I have been thinking and planning this leaving very well as other sister said I should do. I know very well it must not be done just like that and I need a safe place to go to.
The question was: would he really do it? I believe he would, his pride would never let me go with his children, he has made hi point very clear.
He has never threatened to hurt the kids, he adores them.
My father always tells me to take the kids and go to his house and we start the fight back from there, but I am too afraud he will go here and just simply kill us all. It sounds redicilous when I say it out loud, but it's so sadly true.
And sister, you are correct about the fear and the shame what he would feel after us leaving, I understand how these Arab's need to save their faces no matter what it cost to them. So sad.
Now I blame myself when I didn't open my eyes for his lies earlier. How stupid from me.
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★ηαѕιнα★
03-25-2010, 08:05 AM
Don't be sad sis. What's done is done no one on this earth can change that alhamdoellilah. We can only pray we will live another day since Allah swt has the last Word on that.
What I wondered is: does his family know about his behaviour?
Like his mother or so? Maybe you could try talking to his mother. If he is a mamma's boy then he obviously can't ignore his mothers opinion about the whole thing.
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syilla
03-25-2010, 08:32 AM
:salamext:

Ukhtee... i'm afraid if he has threatened to kill you...i think you need to get help.

It'll be really impossible to get out of the marriage without help.

He is using you because he knows that you don't have anyone to help you.

Anyone should contact you or link you the woman organisation that help the abused wives.

You need help ASAP...just remember your life and your kids are at stake here.
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cat eyes
03-25-2010, 12:07 PM
sister as you can see ive edited all of my posts because i fear Allah and because of the fact i am and none of us are qualified here to give you the advice you are desperately seeking. ive noticed that i am quick to judge reading what you are going through when you have not really given us the full extent of your beatings, are we talking about full on beating here or just a slap? i dont know and to be honest im to afraid to talk with you further on this. your husband could be well suffering from any type of mental illness or any other type of mental issue that could be cured with counseling... who knows only Allah but you need to talk with some one who knows what there talking about and thats all im saying on the matter and Allah knows best. may Allah make it easy on you ameen
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★ηαѕιнα★
03-28-2010, 04:47 PM
It has been a while since sis last responded. Do you guys think something has happened?imsad
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cat eyes
03-28-2010, 04:52 PM
Originally Posted by ★ηαѕιнα★
It has been a while since sis last responded. Do you guys think something has happened?imsad
her making threads on a forum about her husband might not have been the most intelligent thing to do with her husband being there and everything :( inshaAllah i hope Allah guides her to whats best for both her and the kids
Reply

Rialah
03-28-2010, 05:40 PM
Originally Posted by sadsister
Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
Marriage is a long and touch road, there is much after marriage which you don't forsee when you make your vows.

Firstly sister, calm your mind, make special prayers, wudu, 2 rakats, make dua and ask God in your own way to guide you to what is good and right for you.

Secondly, try to take some time away from confrontation with your husband, if he is in the house, you can be there and you can remind yourself of your duty to him and to your children.

This does not mean accept bad treatment but means, remove your mind from any suspicion, any bad feeling.

Cook his meals, clean the house, tidy the house, have your fellow sisters to come and sit with you, wash the children, take them to school or to the park and come back and sit with them read the Qu'ran to them, read them their story book etc.

If he goes out to work then make sure his food is ready when he comes back and bathroom ready with towels for him.

Greet him, say how was your day, shall I run a bath for you. Text him if he has mobile during the day, ask him, what he wants for his dinner, cook it.

Try to avoid him if he comes home early evening except to organise his bath, lay the table with his food before he finishes the bath.

Go away, leave him to eat, settle your children to bed, clean the bath, clean the toilet, go to the table, ask him, how was dinner, clear the table, go to the kitchen, do the washing up, take your time clean your kitchen.

Go to the room, shake down the covers, go make your wudu, go check on the children, go to the living area and sit in the room with him, shake your mat, pray, when you finish, ask if he wants any ironing for his clothes and if he wants anything else if he says no, then say ok, good night, go to your bed, make sure you dress in a way that makes you feel good and lie down, make a hot drink of milk, chocolate or horlicks, drink it, take your Qu'ran or prayer book and read or take a notebook, write some words about your hopes, dreams aspirations, and so on.

Remove your mind from his actions, if he says leave the bed, go sleep on your mat, if he says don't sleep in the lounge, go sleep on the floor in your children's room. Hold your tongue, hold your head high, leave him to do as he pleases.

Do not let him provoke you to speak strongly or to have any exchange, busy yourself, go do something, if he comes to you and starts to talk and you think its is going badly, quickly say you need to go to the toilet and sit there for long and then open the door and say sorry my husband, I am stooling, my stomach is aching, give me some time to finish.

When you come out go to see him, tell him you feel desperately tired, does he have any paracetamol or something, pretend you feel a bit unwell and ask him in a feeble voice to continue with his conversation.

Do not allow anything he does to upset you, hold a quiet countennance and counsel with Allah.

Hold your corner, retain your faith, do not allow him to bring shaytan under your roof, try this for a week, you will see that if he is a God fearing man of good upbringing; once he realises you are not noticing him or ignoring him except to provide your basic wifely duties, he will begin to look at himself and examine himself and realise what he stands to lose if he mistreats you.

Masalaam
Reply

S<Chowdhury
03-28-2010, 05:45 PM
Originally Posted by ★ηαѕιнα★
It has been a while since sis last responded. Do you guys think something has happened?imsad
:omg: My mind won't even contemplate that i pray and hope she is safe with her children from that husband :raging: of hers
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