should i forgive?

[anonymous]

asalaam alykum,

am going to try and make this as short as i can, basically for the past 6 years i have been reciveing a great deal of abuse from my older brother. ever since my dad had gone. he took the role as the man of the house and would always beat me up for no reason. it was all fun for him to see me in pain. before my dad had left i proptected him so many times and did soo much stuff for him to keep him happy. but now it feels that he doesnt even see everything i have done for him. he would beat me up until i was blue because i was ugly. and he would make me slap my self because if i didnt he would beat me ablot harder. he did all of this infront of my family and humiliate me infront of everyone. he would come home late at night and wake me up so i could cook for him. and i was always busy doing stuff for him and ever got a chance to revise or concentrate on my studies so i would fail my exams and i would be beaten up even more. the last time he beat me up was about 8 months ago, then i had broken my nose had stiches in my back because of cuts caused my belts and stiches in my hand because he also used a metal pole to beat me up, and this was all fun and joke to him. that was reli the last straw for me so i ran away from my house and have not kept any contact with anyone. i want to have it in my heart to forgive him butthen all of these issues come up and i think to my self should i? what should i do?

sorry for keep this going.
jazakulah kahir

[anonymous]

can someone please help me?

[aadil77]

Sis its your personal choice to forgive him or not. If you're safe from him now and are certain you won't have to go back home and face abuse from him then I'd say forgive him and leave it to Allah to deal with him.

I don't understand why no one in your family stuck up for you? :raging: If he thinks he's a big man by beatin his own sister then you should have got a relative to beat the crap out of him and teach him some respect

[cat eyes]

i think there might be more to this which you dont want to tell us. i only know of that type of brother who would beat his sister because his over protective of his sister like most brothers are because it makes them sick to see there sisters in certain situations:wa:

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[Hamza Asadullah]

asalaam alykum,

am going to try and make this as short as i can, basically for the past 6 years i have been reciveing a great deal of abuse from my older brother. ever since my dad had gone. he took the role as the man of the house and would always beat me up for no reason. it was all fun for him to see me in pain. before my dad had left i proptected him so many times and did soo much stuff for him to keep him happy. but now it feels that he doesnt even see everything i have done for him. he would beat me up until i was blue because i was ugly. and he would make me slap my self because if i didnt he would beat me ablot harder. he did all of this infront of my family and humiliate me infront of everyone. he would come home late at night and wake me up so i could cook for him. and i was always busy doing stuff for him and ever got a chance to revise or concentrate on my studies so i would fail my exams and i would be beaten up even more. the last time he beat me up was about 8 months ago, then i had broken my nose had stiches in my back because of cuts caused my belts and stiches in my hand because he also used a metal pole to beat me up, and this was all fun and joke to him. that was reli the last straw for me so i ran away from my house and have not kept any contact with anyone. i want to have it in my heart to forgive him butthen all of these issues come up and i think to my self should i? what should i do?

sorry for keep this going.
jazakulah kahir

:sl: Jazakallah khayran for sharing this with us and i am sorry for what you went through with your brother. It is not easy to forgive someone especially if they put us through so much pain but remember that if we find it in our hearts to forgive people who hurt us in this world then Allah will give us his mercy when we need it most in the next world when we are standing in front of him and he will say to us that you forgave so and so for my pleasure, now i will give you my mercy and forgiveness.

So forgive him from your heart for he is your brother and sometimes in life we don't realise our mistakes until its too late and i think your brother has realised now what he has done to you, so forgive him from your heart and leave the bitterness behind because bitterness is a terrible thing and one cannot move on with life whilst having bitterness in ones heart.

So forgive him and you will also find the mercy and forgiveness of Allah when you need it most but ONLY forgive for the pleasure of Allah and make dua for your brother.

Also get in contact with him slowly on your own terms at first maybe meet up up somewhere first and talk things through and then if things go well then you can meet up more often and take things from there because Allah has stressed to us that we must maintain the ties of kinship and not break them.

You are doing all of this solely for the pleasure of Allah and Allah will be pleased with you inshallah.

Almighty Allah says:

"Pardon them and overlook - Allah loves those who do good" (Qur'an 5:13)

"Those who control their anger and are forgiving towards people; Allah loves the good." (Qur'an, 3: 134)

The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allâh ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.

But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of the happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise and in this world of a high moral character). (Qur'an 41:34-35)

There are many hadiths that tell us of the importance of forgiving and accounts of those who have forgiven and pardoned others,

The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) reported that once there was a merchant who would lend money to people. If he saw anyone in difficult circumstances he would say to his children, “Pardon him his debt, perhaps Allah will pardon us.” Then Allah did pardon him.

and similarly the Muslims of the early generations had a similar forgiving nature...

Ja’far ibn Muhammad (may Allah have mercy on him) said, “For me to regret after having pardoned someone is more beloved to me than to feel regret after punishing someone.”

Qatadah was asked, “Which person has the highest standing?” He replied, “The one most abundant in his pardon.”

and to show the great reward given to the one who is forgiving and pardons others...

The Messenger of Allah was seated in a gathering with the Sahabah when he looked towards the entrance and said, “A man of Paradise is coming.” At that instance someone who seemed to be very ordinary entered the mosque where they were seated. A Sahabi Was curious as to why the Prophet .‘ said this, so he followed the man to his house. This Sahabi told the man that he was a traveler and stayed as a guest. For three days the Sahabi saw nothing unusual, so he finally told the man what the Prophet had said and asked him what was so special. The man thought for a long time and said, “There might be one thing — before going to sleep every night I forgive everyone and sleep with a clean heart."

May Allah give us all the ability to forgive others for the wrong they do to us, and May Allah forgive us all for our sins - Ameen

:wa:

[anonymous]

i think there might be more to this which you dont want to tell us. i only know of that type of brother who would beat his sister because his over protective of his sister like most brothers are because it makes them sick to see there sisters in certain situations:wa:

Yeah sister you are right, my brother was a drug user also a alcohol drinker, however he never was "high" or "drunk" when he used to abuse me. he was a mummys boy so my mum would protect him. and the last attack i did have was because i had a boyfreind, and this was not my choice to have him to fall on to but it seemed my boyfrind was my only way of some respect, love and consideration that i am a person.

[Lonely Gal]

no matter what he has no right to touch u, its a big issue which u need to address, sometimes its best to stay away and get urself to an understanding that u are content with and then maybe get in touch with fam to see what they make of u leavin, and how they feel any remorse.. I feel for u, as no one should have to go through this, if u had a bf, yes we all know that is wrong but thats somethin that u need to pay the price for between you and Allah swt not anyone else...
I think time away from the fam may help u realise what u really want, and need..

[Hamza Asadullah]

Yeah sister you are right, my brother was a drug user also a alcohol drinker, however he never was "high" or "drunk" when he used to abuse me. he was a mummys boy so my mum would protect him. and the last attack i did have was because i had a boyfreind, and this was not my choice to have him to fall on to but it seemed my boyfrind was my only way of some respect, love and consideration that i am a person.

:sl: my sister we must not cut off the ties of kinship Islam calls for the upholding of the ties of kinship because of the great effect that this has on achieving social cohesion and perpetuating cooperation and love among the Muslims. Upholding the ties of kinship is a duty because Allah says:

“… and fear Allaah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of ) the wombs (kinship)…”

[al-Nisa’ 4:1]

“And give to the kindred his due and to the miskeen (poor)…”

[al-Isra’ 17:26]

Allah has warned us against cutting the ties of kinship:

“And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e., they will be far away from Allaah’s Mercy); And for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e., Hell).” [al-Ra’d 13:26]

What punishment could be worse than the curse and the evil home that awaits those who sever the ties of kinship ? They deny themselves the reward for upholding the ties of kinship in the Hereafter, in addition to denying themselves much good in this world, which is a long life and ample provision.

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever would like his rizq (provision) to be increased and his life to be extended, should uphold the ties of kinship.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5986 and Muslim, 2557).

Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Allaah created the universe, and when He had finished, kinship (al-rahm) stood up and said, “This is the standing up of one who seeks Your protection from being cut off.” Allaah said, “Yes, would it please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?” It said, “Of course.” Allaah said, “Then your prayer in granted.”’”

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Recite, if you wish (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allaah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.’ [Muhammad 47:22-23].” (Saheeh Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 16/112).

Maintaining ties of kinship

The following are taken from Al-Adab al-Mufrad Al-Bukhari

by Imam Bukhari


Abu Ayyub al-Ansari told him that a bedouin came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, while he was travelling. He asked, "Tell me what will bring me near to the Garden and keep me far from the Fire." He replied, "Worship Allah and do not associate anything with Him, perform the prayer, pay zakat, and maintain ties of kinship."

Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Allah Almighty created creation. When He had finished it, ties of kinship rose up. Allah said, 'Stop!' They said, 'This is the place for anyone seeking refuge with You from being cut off' Allah said, 'Are you not content that I should maintain connections with the one who maintains connection with you and I should cut off the one who cuts you off?' It replied, 'Yes indeed, my Lord.' He said, 'You have that.'"

Then Abu Hurayra said, "If you wish, you can recite, 'Is it not likely that, if you did turn away, you would cause corruption in the earth and sever your ties of kinship?' (47:22)"

Ibn 'Abbas spoke about the ayat, "Give your relatives their due, and the very poor and travellersÉ" (17:26), and said, "He begins by commanding the most pressing of the obligatory dues and He directs us to the best action if we have any money. He says: 'Give your relatives their due, and the very poor and travellers.' He also teaches us what we can say if we have nothing. He says, 'But if you do turn away from them, seeking the mercy you hope for from your Lord, then speak to them with words that bring them ease' (17:28) in the form of an excellent promise. Things are as they are, but they might change if Allah wills. 'Do not keep your hand chained to your neck' and not give anything, 'but do not extend it either to its full extent' and give all you have, 'so that you sit there blamed' as those who come to you later and find you have nothing will blame you, 'and destitute.' (17:29) " He said, "The person to whom you have given everything has made you destitute."


The excellence of maintaining ties of kinship


Abu Hurayra said, "A man came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, 'Messenger of Allah! I have relatives with whom I maintain ties while they cut me off. I am good to them while they are bad to me. They behave foolishly towards me while I am forbearing towards them.' The Prophet said, 'If things are as you said, it is as if you were putting hot ashes on them and you will not lack a supporter against them from Allah as long as you continue to do that.'"

'Abdu'r-Rahman ibn 'Awf heard the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, "Allah, the Almighty and Exalted, said, 'I am the Merciful (ar-Rahman). I have created ties of kinship and derives a name for it from My Name. If anyone maintains ties of kinship, I maintain connection with him, and I shall cut off anyone who cuts them off.'"

Abu'l-'Anbas said, "I visited 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr at al-Waht (some land of his in Ta'if). He said, 'The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, pointed his finger towards us and said, "Kinship (rahim) us derived from the All-Merciful (Rahman). When someone maintains the connections of ties of kinship, they maintain connection with him. If someone cuts them off, they cut him off. They will have an unfettered, eloquent tongue on the Day of Rising."'"

'A'isha reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Kinship (rahim) is derived from Allah. If anyone maintains ties of kinship Allah maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah cuts him off."


Maintaining ties of kinship will prolong life


Anas ibn Malik reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Anyone who wants to have his provision expanded and his term of life prolonged should maintain ties of kinship."

Abu Hurayra heard that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, "Anyone who wants to have his provision expanded and his term of life lengthened should maintain ties of kinship."


Allah loves the one who maintains ties of kinship


Ibn 'Umar said, "If someone fears his Lord and maintains ties of kinship, his term of life will be prolonged, he will have abundant wealth and his people will love him."

Ibn 'Umar said, "If someone his Lord and maintains ties of kinship, his term of life will be prolonged, his wealth will be abundant and his family will love him."


Being dutiful to the closest relative and then the next closest


It is reported that al-Miqdam ibn Ma'dikarib heard the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, "Allah enjoins you to be dutiful to your mothers. Then He enjoins you to be dutiful to your mothers. Then He enjoins you to be dutiful to your fathers. Then He enjoins you to be dutiful to your next closest relative and then to your next closest relative."

Abu Ayyub Sulayman, the mawla of 'Uthman ibn 'Affan, said, "Abu Hurayra came to us on a Thursday evening, the night before Jumu'a. He said, 'Every individual who severs ties of kinship is constricted when he leaves us. No one left until he had said that three times. Then a young man went to one of his paternal aunts with whom he had severed ties two years previously. He went to her and she asked him, 'Nephew! What has brought you?' He replied, 'I heard Abu Hurayra say such-and-such.' She said, 'Go back to him and ask him why he said that.' Abu Hurayra said, 'I heard the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, "The actions of the children of Adam are presented before Allah Almighty on Thursday evening, the night before Jumu'a. He does not accept the actions of someone who has severed ties of kinship."'"

Ibn 'Umar said, "Nothing that a man spends on himself and his family, anticipating a reward from Allah, will fail to be rewarded by Allah Almighty. He should begin with those whose support is his responsibility. If there is something left over, he should spend it on his next nearest relative and then the next nearest. If there is still something left over, he can give it away."


Mercy will not descend on people when there is someone among them who severs ties of kinship


'Abdullah ibn 'Awfa reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Mercy does not descend on a people when there is someone among them who severs ties of kinship."


The wrong action of someone who severs ties of kinship


Jubayr ibn Mu'tim reported that he heard the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, "The one who severs ties of kinship will not enter the Garden."

Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Ties of kinship (rahim) is derived from the All-Merciful (ar-Rahman). They say. 'My Lord! I have been wronged! My Lord! I have been cut off! My Lord! I haveÉ! I have!' Allah answers them, 'Are you not content that I cut off the one who cuts you off and I maintain connections with the one who maintains connections with you?'"

Sa'id ibn Sam'an heard Abu Hurayra seeking refuge from the power of children and fools. Sa'id said, "Ibn Hasana al-Juhani told me that he asked Abu Hurayra, 'What is the token of that?' He replied, 'That he severs ties of kinship, obeys someone who is in error, and disobeys the correct guide.'"


The punishment of someone who cuts off ties of kinship in this world


Abu Bakra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "There is no wrong action which Allah is swifter to punish in this world – in addition to the punishment which He has stored up for the wrongdoer in the Next World – than cutting off ties of kinship and injustice."


The one who maintains ties of kinship is not the one who reciprocates


'Abdullah ibn 'Amr reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The one who maintains ties of kinship is not the one who reciprocates. The one who maintains ties of kinship is the one who, when his relatives cut him off, maintains ties of kinship."


The excellence of someone who maintains relations with relatives who are unjust


Al-Bara' said, "A bedouin came and said, 'Prophet of Allah! Teach me an action which will enable me to enter the Garden.' He said, "The question is a broad one, even though you have asked it in only a few words. Free someone. Set a slave free.' He said, 'Are they not the same thing?' 'No,' he replied, 'Freeing someone is setting someone free yourself. Setting a slave free is to contribute to the price of setting him free. Lend an animal for milking which has a lot of milk and treat your relatives kindly. If you cannot do that, then command the good and forbid the bad. If you cannot do that, then restrain your tongue from everything except what is good."


Therefore you must contact your brother and family and maintain ties of kinship as soon as possible lest the wrath and anger of Allah would be upon you.

Take it in stages maybe meet him somewhere and then slowly get back into contact for this is far better for you if you really want peace and tranquility in your heart and the pleasure of Allah.

It would make your heart better to and rid it of bitterness which is a disease in the heart.

and Allah knows best

:wa:

[ume-dawood]

Assalam-u-alaikum,

Forgiveness has been emphasized repeatedly in different contexts in Islam. This is one of Allah Subahana-hu Ta-ala’s attributes and virtues as He is Al-Rauf, Al-Ghaffar, Al-Ghafoor, and Sattar-ul-Ayoob; He is The Forgiver. It is one of His qualities and He likes all the Muslims to practice this quality as much as they can.

As we do not know about the wonders it holds and the pleasures and progress it can lead us towards, we take it for granted. We always think as if it is for others good. We tend to believe that we are getting nothing out of it but the thawab (though thawab in itself is such a big thing in both ways, in this life and the life in hereafter), which we will be presented on the Day of Judgment. Well, if we think a little bit wisely and analyze systematically we would come to know that it is in fact for our own good that we should forgive or at least try to forgive no matter how great the damage that we suffered was and how hard it is to forgive. Because the more difficult it seems, the more enslaved, limited and deprived we are.

Then if we look from the reward and punishment view, everyone who has wronged you would get some effect and would be dealt almost closer to the way he/she made you feel. In the same way if we have wronged someone, there would be a time when we definitely would have to taste the fruit of our deeds, not only in hereafter but also here in this very world of ours. So if someone wronged me, later in some time, he is been wronged and then the person who wronged him would suffer at someone else’s hand. You see it’s a chain of suffering, hurt and sadness. Please take the courage to break this chain. Forgive and pray that may Allah Subahana-hu Ta-ala bless that person who has hurt you and guide him to the righteousness and that may they never have to feel the pain or humiliation or distrust that you had to go through. So tell yourself whatever it was and who so ever is responsible for what happened, it does not exist any more

To tell the truth, we all wish to be happy, successful and confident of the achievements we aspire or we have had in past. But somehow there seems to be great difference in what we wish to do and what we actually do. Because when it comes to reality we choose to be sad and miserable. As a matter of fact it is a pity that we keep holding on to the sad memories of past, unpleasant experiences of failure and wrong decisions, feelings of betrayal and agony. All this garbage that we keep so safe and dear to ourselves that we review and revisit it as often as possible, consumes all of our good energy and fills the created vacuum with doubt and despair. We feel lost, stuck and bound in our powers, skills, abilities and ultimately we define our limits as to what we can have or do or what happenings can occur in our life and what cannot. These limits, which when once drawn, for the whole life determine our possibilities and impossibilities in life, our allowance on all the physical and non-physical levels. And these are the limits that were never there until we drew them.

In fact we draw some of these limits in very early years of our life. We try something for the first time and if we fail, in our mind we announce that we are not good enough to do that or have that. We from that moment onwards make a decision that we do not deserve. Now most of the times we forget that very first time of decision making as it gets buried deep in the memories but the decision becomes an active rule that always works so automatically and unconsciously without effort, without our known knowledge that we almost never escape it.

So if we desire to have all of our energy available to us, we have to unplug these unnecessary power-consuming programs. No one from outside can free us of these chains and limitations but us. We have to unbind and release ourselves so that we can save the energy we consume on nurturing that grudge against others, or thinking about the bad things giving the Universe a negative picture of the possibilities available to us. These grudges that we keep in our heart and the feelings of anger, sadness, humiliation or acute pain etc are already a punishment. What is already done is done. The people against whom we need to forgive might not even know or remember how terribly we feel. Isn’t it a pity that we punish ourselves so ruthlessly and cruelly? We need to forgive ourselves if we truly wish for peace. And when we forgive others we in fact forgive ourselves. This is the best thing that we can gift ourselves to get released of all those negative burdens. We were the ones who suffered when it happened for the first time and we are the ones who are suffering it constantly since then. This should be stopped immediately. We need to let bygones be bygones and give ourselves a break.

Now, this is not an easy task because it has developed in our system to think and store memories in that specific way. We might have to argue a lot within ourselves as a part of us feels hurt and thinks these can be erased only when once equalled by avenging. A part of us feels it very shameless to forgive and behave as if nothing happened because it had happened and it hurt its ego. We come across many more reasons every next time that make it difficult to forgive. But instead of being carried away by this illusion of solution, it is time to think deeply and realize that we had that pain, humiliation, grief or failure once and at that time already it had hurt us a lot. Since then it has been hurting us which is a considerably long time. Now, we need to stop and ask ourselves a question. Do we want to suffer for whole of our life? How long we are going to burden ourselves with that baggage which keeps on growing consuming our energy and us consequently? How long we have to burn in this blazing fire of hatred, resentment and unhappiness? Is it worthwhile to live a sad, humiliated, unpleasant single moment that has already passed millions a time, imagining it being real when it is not? We need to remind ourselves that it is already dead and buried in our past.

It would seem very difficult but when once tried, we would like to keep on doing that. It is always at first and it might be the time when we should establish a new system or perhaps strengthen the previously installed delicate system of forgiveness. Only the experiment would tell how peaceful and happy it is otherwise. Just a single act of forgiveness magically transforms us and we become so released and relaxed that it feels that we are in a whole new world. It makes us able to be positive, be open, open to love, respect, prosperity, happiness and what not. Remember world is what we think of it, we are and we get what we think of ourselves and of our allowance, so make it a habit to think of all the blessings and erase by forgiving all the mishaps.

Now some of us might think it is not wise that we just forgive every one as there are things done which are really very hard to forgive and besides we need to remember them so that we might not get hurt in future again. Well, I agree to some extent. When I say forgive others, I don’t say forget what they are capable of. Try to remove those emotions and feeling which hurt you when you met them or see them. It was their action and let them be responsible. Do not be a victim anymore. When you meet those who are with this label of a previous mistreatment, then again do not presuppose that they are still the same, give them a chance and be careful on your part. They might have changed or it might have been a misunderstanding or mistake previously. They might also be sorry for what happened. Gradually they may win your trust again. Take yourself out of this situation, so that even when you remember, you don’t feel the agony, the anger, resentment or humiliation. Whenever you are reminded of any such incident, tell yourself that it was back in your past and you are not that person anymore and you are just watching it in your mind. It is all your imagination; a recorded film may be which runs in your memory but you are the one who is out of that situation. You have come a long way in life and it’s all over now. Always remember memories are just memories, they are not real unless you feel them to be real by being present in that time.

Another thing to remember is that we cannot forgive others unless and until we have forgiven ourselves. So one should start from self-forgiving for all the bad times, bad experiences, and the decisions that were not very wise and didn’t work.

There are some events planned for some specific issues here, please visit.

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[ume-dawood]

Salam-u-alaikum,

The above matter is taken from the book " Divine System Restoration". The chapter contains hadiths and verses and practical techniques to help in dealing the issue.

[waqas maqsood]

Salam Alikum sister,

Thank you for sharing your story.

It is a very serious issue that needs to be solved.. Have you seen your brother since?

I would recommend to meet your brother in a public place where you can have a discussion and address the issue that you would like to return home... Make sure you stand firm and do not take any abuse..

Also It's best to contact your mother as she would be very worried....

With regards to forgive, it is your choice at the end of the day.. Allah will be happy if you do forgive him... But you got to set conditions.. Have the police invloved if need of protection.

May Allah gives you patience...