Please help me

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shattered dream

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I asked a very beautiful girl to marry me 3 months ago and her brother approved after she also approved. Her family are happy with me.

Recently however she broke down in tears to me after confessing that she has had a previous sexual relationship. This was heart breaking for me as I have always stayed away from girls and it appears I have the worst luck.

I will be able to overcome my pain, and I know the life she would have without me guiding her would lead her straight to the hell fire, as only recently after she agreed to marry me she started praying 5 times a day. She has also pleaded with me and booked a shariah court date, to which I refused as I cannot see her in that much pain.

Besides the questions I constantly ask Allah regarding what I did to deserve this, I ask you, my brothers and sisters in Islam, and my brothers and sisters in humanity, am I doing the right thing? Am I strong for looking at the bigger picture and wanting to bring Allah's servant back to him, or am I weak for not being able to let go?

Please help me imsad
 
forgive me if i have got the wrong end of the stick, but are u saying that u dont wan to be with her or are finding it hard to be with her cos of previous relationship???

she has done wrong, but u have bort her onto the straight path.. surely u both can go ahead on this step and fulfil ur dreams/happiness... its clearly her past and she has confessed so she wanted things to be open.. no?
 
:sl:
you need to analyze what you want and what will be good for you...what you are willing to sacrifice and what it will mean for the both of you.

you marrying her to guide her back is awesome though. that's quite a sacrifice.

has she repented? you haven't mentioned that.

if she has repented and changed her ways and cut off ties with her past, then its up to you. pray istikhara as well.

just out of interest, how did you find out? did she tell you? because if you heard it from others, its best to be careful and get these things clarified because you will find sometimes people "home in" on vulnerable situations. in other words "those people" you need to be careful of.
 
Lonely Gal said:
forgive me if i have got the wrong end of the stick, but are u saying that u dont wan to be with her or are finding it hard to be with her cos of previous relationship???

she has done wrong, but u have bort her onto the straight path.. surely u both can go ahead on this step and fulfil ur dreams/happiness... its clearly her past and she has confessed so she wanted things to be open.. no?
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I am willing to be with her. I just wanted to know whether this is the right thing or not

Thank you for making me smile
 
Ummu Sufyaan said:
:sl:
you need to analyze what you want and what will be good for you...what you are willing to sacrifice and what it will mean for the both of you.

you marrying her to guide her back is awesome though. that's quite a sacrifice.

has she repented? you haven't mentioned that.

if she has repented and changed her ways and cut off ties with her past, then its up to you. pray istikhara as well.

just out of interest, how did you find out? did she tell you? because if you heard it from others, its best to be careful and get these things clarified because you will find sometimes people "home in" on vulnerable situations. in other words "those people" you need to be careful of.
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She is continuously repenting. She confessed herself. She knows I'm making this sacrifice, and I am happy to do so

Thank you for making me smile
 
Asalamu alaykum,

Don't forget to pray istikarah salah bro.

Make sure she understands the need to wholeheartedly repent, either way.

If you do get married - make sure there is absolutely no contact whatsoever between her and the guy (in person, phone, msn, email, facebook etc) and also from a practical perspective, if he lives in the same area as you guys and you might see him often in passing or whatever, it might be good to move away. Last thing either of you would need is a reminder of it.
 
so shes beautiful thats great what else has she got? sometimes men are blinded by beauty and go on to have a miserable marriage. do istikharah and see what happens. all the best
 
cat eyes said:
so shes beautiful thats great what else has she got? sometimes men are blinded by beauty and go on to have a miserable marriage. do istikharah and see what happens. all the best
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That's what I was about to say .
You should be sure if she's worthy as a person/character ... not just limit your love in her beauty.
 
EllyDicious said:
That's what I was about to say .
You should be sure if she's worthy as a person/character ... not just limit your love in her beauty.
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Good point Elly !

shattered dream said:
... and I know the life she would have without me guiding her would lead her straight to the hell fire
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Brother I'm not saying you shoudn't marry this sister (I'm not learned enough to give you the right answer), but I think you don't have to marry her in order to guide her to the right way : there is many other ways that can help her : you can give her a book, you can ask her to meet some learned sisters to help her, or you can make dua for her... and there is no problem to answer her questions if you are learned.

But, Concerning you marrying her, I think a scholar can help you decide, and that's what you realised too I think.

BTW : WELCOME TO THE FORUM shattered dream :welcome:
 
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shattered dream said:
I asked a very beautiful girl to marry me 3 months ago and her brother approved after she also approved. Her family are happy with me.

Recently however she broke down in tears to me after confessing that she has had a previous sexual relationship. This was heart breaking for me as I have always stayed away from girls and it appears I have the worst luck.

I will be able to overcome my pain, and I know the life she would have without me guiding her would lead her straight to the hell fire, as only recently after she agreed to marry me she started praying 5 times a day. She has also pleaded with me and booked a shariah court date, to which I refused as I cannot see her in that much pain.

Besides the questions I constantly ask Allah regarding what I did to deserve this, I ask you, my brothers and sisters in Islam, and my brothers and sisters in humanity, am I doing the right thing? Am I strong for looking at the bigger picture and wanting to bring Allah's servant back to him, or am I weak for not being able to let go?

Please help me imsad
Click to expand...

Assalaam o alaykum,

akhee, leave her and go on with ur own life... if u know u wont be able to bare it every time u look at her... LEAVE NOW..... I ADVICE U SINCERELY......

u have feelings too, u dnt wanna get into a relationship and some time down the line think ''oh thts it, i cnt take it anymore... im out''...... So think deeply over the matter...

You dont deserve this, u shud deserve someone better..

there are pleanty of fish in the sea...
 
assalaam o alaykum,

also women take time to "get over" their previous relationships... remember that aswell... u dont want a woman who is living with u physically yet emotionally she is always thinking of her "first lover"

think deep bro...

u have the right to tell her u dont want her...

And Allaah guides whom He wishes, u will just b a "driver" for her in her deen... there are many other men who can be her "driver"... ur not the only man out there who she "needs"...

look, did she know u b4 (when she had that affair? no... likewise, she doesnt know other men, and there cud b other men better for her...

dont spoil/ruin ur life bro...

all the best...
 
imam bukhari said:
assalaam o alaykum,

also women take time to "get over" their previous relationships... remember that aswell... u dont want a woman who is living with u physically yet emotionally she is always thinking of her "first lover"

think deep bro...

u have the right to tell her u dont want her...

And Allaah guides whom He wishes, u will just b a "driver" for her in her deen... there are many other men who can be her "driver"... ur not the only man out there who she "needs"...

look, did she know u b4 (when she had that affair? no... likewise, she doesnt know other men, and there cud b other men better for her...

dont spoil/ruin ur life bro...

all the best...
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thats true but it depends how long she was separated from the other guy. if she has only been separated recently then yeah there will be problems like that especially if she loved him
 
:sl: brother

I think you should analyse the situation. Take your time and think it through. What's happened in the past is in the past. Look at the present situation.

You say she has started to pray. So give her a bit of time and tell her to focus on Islam. Also forget if she is beautiful or not; look at her character. Most importantly if she focuses on deen then there is no doubt that she will become a better Muslimah. She seems to be sincere as she told you up front about a previous relationship and you say she has repented. As a brother suggested - you need to find out if she is on any social networking sites etc cos she still could be in contact with the guy. Think it through. If you need more advice, let us know. More importantly pray Istikhara.

:wa:
 

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