Dealing with a child who gets angry quickly

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
this story mentioned in this fatwa is quite deep.

I have a son who is very hot tempered. How can I deal with this characteristic?.

Praise be to Allaah.

The issue of dealing with anger has already been discussed. Please see question no. 658. Means of dealing with anger include the following:

· Seeking refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan.

· Keeping quiet.

· Calming down; if you are standing, you should sit down; if you are sitting, you should lie down.

· Remembering the reward for restraining anger, as it says in the saheeh hadeeth: “Do not get angry and Paradise will be yours.”

· Understanding the high status of one who controls himself, as it says in the saheeh hadeeth: “Whoever restrains his anger, Allaah will cover his faults. Whoever controls his fury – even if he is able to show it – Allaah will fill his heart with hope on the Day of Resurrection.” (Classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 906).

· Learning what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) teachings concerning anger.

· Knowing that controlling anger is one of the signs of piety, as it says in the hadeeth quoted above.

· Paying attention when reminded, controlling oneself and following advice.

· Knowing the bad effects of anger.

· Thinking about how one is affected at the moment of anger.

· Praying that Allaah will remove this resentment from one's heart.

There follows a lovely story which will help you to deal with the child whose problem you mention:

There was a boy who was always losing his temper. His father gave him a bag full of nails and said to him, “My son, I want you to hammer a nail into our garden fence every time you need to direct your anger against something and you lose your temper.”

So the son started to follow his father’s advice. On the first day he hammered in 37 nails, but getting the nails into the fence was not easy, so he started trying to control himself when he got angry. As the days went by, he was hammering in less nails, and within weeks he was able to control himself and was able to refrain from getting angry and from hammering nails. He came to his father and told him what he had achieved. His father was happy with his efforts and said to him: “But now, my son, you have to take out a nail for every day that you do not get angry.”

The son started to take out the nails for each day that he did not get angry, until there were no nails left in the fence.

He came to his father and told him what he had achieved. His father took him to the fence and said, “My son, you have done well, but look at these holes in the fence. This fence will never be the same again.” Then he added: “When you say things in a state of anger, they leave marks like these holes on the hearts of others. You can stab a person and withdraw the knife but it doesn’t matter how many times you say ‘I’m sorry,’ because the wound will remain.

Source


in relation to this, how do you deal with a child how gets angry quickly but is still too young to understand how/what nailing a fence is, etc.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Aslaamu alaaykumm...

Jazakallah amazing reminder for all..a good reminder for me to control my anger, and for me to remind others InshaAllaah :)..

Wa alaaykum Salaam....

[Alpha Dude]

:sl:

I guess the way you treat such a child depends on the nature of your relationship with and the age of the child. E.g you'd be able to take more of a disciplinary leeway if it were a young sibling.

Anger I would say is learned behaviour. Perhaps somebody that is in close or frequent contact with the child is passing on this particular bad trait. So that's the negative influence you're fighting against.

The one thing a person loses upon getting angry is patience, therefore I would say lack of it is probably the root of the problem and you need to focus on teaching this good trait to the kid. In my opinion, the best way would be to relate anecdotes of Prophets, Sahaba (peace be upon them all) and other Islamic personalities past and present such that they indirectly pass on the importance of praiseworthy qualities like patience, humility, modesty in the light of trying and testing situations.

InshaAllah if you relate narrations like that frequently, the desire to be like the pious people mentioned will arise in the child and he will subconsciously realise that his current reaction is the wrong way to deal with things.

Alongside, do also teach the child, or maybe to the whole class if it is in a learning environment, the Islamic preventative measures that you've mentioned in your first post.

Even if not immediately, InshaAllah in future the child would be able to fully appreciate/utilise the advice and lessons you give.

[Myself]

a doctor's point of view on this: limit the amount of beef and egg one eats. subhanallah!

honestly, i find that pretty pathetic. my cousin's 7 years old, and his mother now stops him from eating these two often, because he loses his cool and apparently its cos of his large amount of meat and egg (protein) intake. what on earth?

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[Woodrow]

:sl:

in relation to this, how do you deal with a child how gets angry quickly but is still too young to understand how/what nailing a fence is, etc.

:sl:

First learn what it is that makes the child angry. Look for the possibility there is a justifiable reason for the anger. If that is the case, remove the cause.

Second keep in mind anger has 2 strongly felt aspects. The physical aspect such as increased pulse rate, elevated blood pressure etc and the Mental aspect of angry thoughts and a perceived need to protect self etc. It is not uncommon for anger to have a physical cause. The person has a physical problem that causes the physical feelings of anger and the mind then tries to find a cause to justify it. If the first step did not find anything, consider a physical exam to see if there is anything such as heart problems, endocrine disorders or hormonal imbalance.

If steps one and 2 brought no results begin the long process of teaching patience keeping in mind each time an adult shows anger, it has removed all the lessons of patience the child has learned. To teach patience, the teacher must be patient.

[cat eyes]

alot of it has to do with the childs diet also. what hes consuming. also playstation is a known cause for anger in kids.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

^True!. . .

[cat eyes]

:sl:

First learn what it is that makes the child angry. Look for the possibility there is a justifiable reason for the anger. If that is the case, remove the cause.

Second keep in mind anger has 2 strongly felt aspects. The physical aspect such as increased pulse rate, elevated blood pressure etc and the Mental aspect of angry thoughts and a perceived need to protect self etc. It is not uncommon for anger to have a physical cause. The person has a physical problem that causes the physical feelings of anger and the mind then tries to find a cause to justify it. If the first step did not find anything, consider a physical exam to see if there is anything such as heart problems, endocrine disorders or hormonal imbalance.

If steps one and 2 brought no results begin the long process of teaching patience keeping in mind each time an adult shows anger, it has removed all the lessons of patience the child has learned. To teach patience, the teacher must be patient.

exactly parents are a big influence. what the child sees, he will absorb it just like how a sponge absorbs water. thats how a childs brain is.

[Hidaaya]

Subhanallah, my younger brother gets angry real fast, it's unbelievable. Sabr is always the key.