Really sad and looking for help (I have OCD)

[orangeapples]

First of all, I apologize about the length of this post. But I think I need to explain my situation in order to get proper help.

I'm 21 years old and currently am a "theist" I guess. I don't follow any religion but I do believe in God. I am not agnostic, I think God exists but I am not sure which religion is right. I have studied religions (mostly into Abrahamic ones) for the past two years like crazy. I know what they are all about for the most part but I have a mental disorder that I want to get under control first and need some more time to be in the right state of mind in order to commit to a religion. To me it's either Islam or Christianity. I know the differences between them and I am not here to ask questions regarding theology at the moment, I have a problem I need to fix first.

I have a severe case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. If you dont know what that is, its basically unwanted thoughts and obsessions and compulsive acts to stop them.

I have always had these thoughts, from early childhood about bad things like "If I don't do a certain thing (for example touch something) something horrible will happen like a family member dying" so I would have to touch that thing. This has usually surrounded around the death of me or someone I love. When I started researching religion in 2008, this became much worse. It started to turn into bad thoughts about God and religion. I got really scared but then I was told that God knows I don't mean these thoughts, so that did comfort me. But here is where it all went downhill. I started having thoughts about selling my soul. These thoughts kept coming up and I got so scared that if I sold my soul I would goto Hell/give my life and soul to evil/lose it forever, that whatever the thought said (for example... touch this or touch that) I would have to do the act in order for my soul to be safe. Now this became a problem because sometimes I'd have thoughts like "if I goto work then I will do that bad thing" (sorry I don't want to even type 'sell soul') but then I cant not goto work because I'd get fired. So to combat this, I would make little "deals" or say it out loud that If I don't goto work, then I will do the 'bad thing' aka sell soul. I was basically using my fear to try and fight OCD. But it just backfired and made things worse.

Sorry if this is hard to follow, I know it's irrational and probably crazy, but I'm getting help and trying to combat this. So basically my problem in regards to Islam is this:

One thing that I wanted to do before learning about religion was remove a mole/birth mark on my nose that I thought was ugly. I'm not sure if I was born with it or got it when I was a kid but I hated it always and want to remove it. It is a flat mole not one of those big ones that stick out. I started having thoughts about you know what and I have made one of these "deals" or "contracts" where if I don't remove a mole on my nose that I hate -- I would do the "bad thing"

The problem is that now I have learned that "altering your body for cosmetic reasons" is a sin/haram. I know that I am not a Muslim at the moment so it's not like this applies to me, but for some reason I still feel like I am doing the wrong thing. I am altering God's creation. I feel like I'm trapped. On one hand, if I don't remove the mole I am scared I will sell and on the other hand I feel like I am going against God. Now I am not a Muslim but for some reason I still am scared. Perhaps because I know I will become religious in the future -- once my OCD is under control and I figure out what I truly believe.

The thing is, I feel like I am still going against God, changing something permanentely. How can this sin be forgiven? Is it worse than something like drinking a beer which is a one time thing not for life? But then I think if I dont do this I will go insane and be so scared about selling my soul that maybe I should just do it and hope God will understand my situation? I don't even want to remove it for beauty reasons anymroe -- I couldnt care less -- but I feel like I have to for my OCD reasons.

Someone told me that when you convert to Islam, all past sins are forgiven. So all my sins including this one would be forgiven. But I am worried I am using that as an excuse, and almost feel like it's cheating. Like I know this sin would be forgiven if I converted, so if I do it before I convert it`s ok. I feel like thats taking advantage and I dont want to do that. Uhg, I hate this... I want to just trust in God but I hate that I made these little compulsions.... even if they arent possible they drive me crazy. The thought of losing my soul scares me to death.

But I'm rambling now. To wrap this up, basically all I am asking is:

a) is it a sin to remove this mole in my case (its a flat mole that is fairly small but noticable, the kind people have all over but its right on my nose)
b) what do you suggest I do? Will God understand and forgive this if I do end up converting to Islam?

Thank you for any answer, again, I'm sorry if this is boring or I sound like I'm crazy/stupid. I know I am irrational and need help, I am currently going to be getting professional help and I don't want to become religious until then because I am worried it will harm my spirtual journey. Thanks and God bless you all.

[haseeb4]

I am very glad to hear that you accept the existence of the one God and you should know a basic fundamental that our Lord has laid down for us in the Holy Quran: "So, as for those who believed in Allah and held fast to Him, He will admit them to His Mercy and Grace (i.e. Paradise), and guide them to Himself by the Straight Path.” (surah 4; 175)
This is a promise from God. If you believe in Him and try to fulfill you duty to Him with sincerity, He will never let you go astray or do that ‘bad thing’, no matter what satan tries to tell you otherwise. Always remember, Allah is Most Loving and Forgiving regardless of our mistakes. Consequently, once you start progressing in your spiritual journey, you will find God as the best Friend and Protector. It is He alone who can best help you with your OCD problem, so instead of delaying your spiritual quest due to your problem, begin your journey and trust that God will help you along the way.
I am sure you know that satan is very cunning, and I am afraid that he could use your OCD problem to stop you from beginning your quest for the Truth before it’s too late, so don’t delay as only God can help us through and we never know when our time could run out. I have a friend who has also has a nasty case of OCD but I have seen through experience that, as God tells us in the Holy Quran: “Verily, in God’s remembrance do the hearts of man find their rest.”, so when you feel afraid, if you are sincere to God, remember that He is with you and you have no reason to fear.
As for your mole problem, its no big deal. Its nothing major by the sounds of it but I am not an expert on that so I would recommend you get a second opinion. In my opinion, I don’t think it’s a problem if you decide to get it removed, but it would be better that you try and find your way to God first and by His Grace, he will show you the right decisions inshaAllah.
Best Wishes

[haseeb4]

Hadith Qudsi 15:

On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Allah the Almighty said:
I am as My servant thinks I am (1). I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.

(1) Another possible rendering of the Arabic is: "I am as My servant expects Me to be". The meaning is that forgiveness and acceptance of repentance by the Almighty is subject to His servant truly believing that He is forgiving and merciful. However, not to accompany such belief with right action would be to mock the Almighty.

It was related by al-Buhkari (also by Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah)

[Vigno]

Asalamu Alekum

Dear friend,

I pray to God to guide you on your path inshallah and I totally support what haseeb4 said. Satan is the enemy of human beings and therefore, he will use your OCD problem ( may God cure you from it ameen) and keep telling you to wait forever, and when your problem goes inshallah, he will tell you oh lets wait, maybe it returns. So just dont listen to satan and seek God and be sure my friend He will answer your call inshallah.
About the mole thing, yes its not allowed to change God's creation "but" if its something bad in the creation, it is ok as I heard from a qualified scholar. Of course all God's creations are good, but lets say someone has something wrong in his body such as hair between the eyebrows, removing the eyebrows is haram but removing hair between the eyebrows is not because it is not normal to have hair there. Like if you have acne, if you have an operation to remove it, its not haram. Sorry i am giving many examples, just want to clear my point. Always remember one thing, God doesn't want anything bad for us, and anything he forbade, He did so for our own good.

If you ever need any more help, you are welcome to ask anything you want, inshallah I ll do my best to help.

Be safe
Asalamu Alekum

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[MIL0]

Asalamualikum,

orangeapples, just for thinking about all those things that you thought of, for example, cheating/taking advantage of the converting religion rule (am i making any sense?), you will recieve good deeds, as it is a very loyal thing you are doing. you really dont want to commit a sin and at the same time you are not cheating or trying to go around the rules. This shows that you are on the right path. Allah will surely forgive you, as haseeb4 has said.

walaikumasalam

[haque]

Hey bro,

I pray that this helps you with your OCD:

I can't post links because I'm new, but, please go to youtube and search for "OCD Islam," and click on the first link.

[haque]

Assalam Alaikum, I know that I should post this in his thread or PM, but because I'm new and have zero posts (until this one), I can't do either.

Bro, search youtube for "Curing Obsessive Compulsory Disorder (OCD) in 3 Steps"

InshAllah, I hope it helps.

[Shiulii]

Salam brother, sori u dnt reali kno me neither do I kno u, I was jus researching on OCD thn it led me on2 a link on this website tht showed ur post, I hope u hav learnt to fight this problem of OCD, th post I c is from last year, I kno it's been long but still chekin if u still mite b a member here, I also wnted to ask if u hav yet accepted Islam coz aftr readin ur post I realized tht u hadn't n I wud like to tel u tht I also hav OCD n I hav found a way to fight it..... If u get this msg plz relply on here

[Sunnie Ameena]

Welcome to the board. I respond to you, because I know how you feel about the OCD. I am 51 years old and have OCD and finally went to the doctor last year to see what could be done. I have suffered from it and also depression and anxiety since I am old enough to remember. I am getting help, and am able to control it better. It is a wonderful feeling. Good luck, Sunnie

[- Malak -]

Salam Dear,

it seems to me you are a good person. regarding your questions
a) is it a sin to remove this mole in my case (its a flat mole that is fairly small but noticable, the kind people have all over but its right on my nose)

No problem at all in removing your mole. this is not type of change creating. change creating for example what singer Micle jasckson did , he changed his color from black to white.

Regarding your bad thoughts , you are listen to Evil to much :), I had been suffering from bad thoughts during praying and it took time until I got over that problem.
what you need is reading quran , or say "Aauthe be Allah Men Al Shytan AlRajeem" and ignore those sounds. nothing will happen to you. fear of die is useless :) everyone will die no one knows when but we should always ready by being good persons, worship good and enjoy our life gift within Islam's Sharia.

Wish Allah helps you to right path.

[- Malak -]

Salam Dear,

it seems to me you are good person, regarding your question

there is no problem at all and it is not changing Allah creation to remove your mole, Example of changing creation like what singer Micle jasckson did, he changed his color from black to white.

Regarding your bad thoughts , I had been suffering from similar problem during Salah. it is Evil dear which like to let us not enjoying our life. anyway what you need
is : read or listen to Quran. or say "Authe be Allah men Alshytan Alrajeen" when you listen to those thoughts. finally and more important ignore those thoughts.
it takes time but it works perfectly after few months.

Anyway, everyone will die but no one knows when , so we should be ready for die anytime by being good persons, worship Allah and enjoy our life within Islam's Sharia.

Wish Allah helps you to truth path.