THankyou for your advice so far but these questions are still bugging me. There are so many potential wives out there but all I'm supposed to do apparantly is talk with her over the phone or infront of her parents who may have conditioned her to respond a certain way and then hope the person I'm gonna spend eternity with isn't gonna turn out to be unacceptable personality-wise and emotionally.
:sl:
I make this long post for you if you are sincerely worried you might not know the girls personality and nature whom you marry.
It does not have to be this way for you at all. There are some unfortunate people whom it happens for like that my son, but you are more sensible and careful than that insha' Allaah ji. Let me tell you son, how we are very clever in finding out everything about the girl the boy want to marry so that they do not get a shock after they are married. It is a whole process of investigations and consultations and istikharas my son. We involve all the aunti and uncle jee's.
If you sincerely worried about the personality and nature of the girl you marry and want to find out about it... then you must involve more than yourself in finding out about the girl.
Dating process is gora style..know that everyone puts on a very nice nature and personality when in presence of the boy they want to marry. And the makeup. Boy becomes blind in many many cases until he is married... but then he is already found his second half and is finished. That is why dating is not a good idea and not a good criteria to find out abt girls/boys nature in Islam [also in other cultures]. It is only coming close to the prohibitions of Allaah and putting your life of next and life of present in danger and Allaah says in Qur'aan don't even go near my prohibitions. Because when u go near the boundary line.. it very easy to step on it... and then finally step over it... and buzz *electric shock* :offended:
So there is a lot of hiqma [wisdom] in the commands of Allaah... Allaah the All wise who knows our nature more than ourselves, does not want to put u or any girl in situation where you steel her heart or she steels your heart without the hand also [in marriage]. In a situation like this, This can happen very easily and without even intending. That is why It is always wise to get the garauntee of the hand first, before you give them your heart. That way u save yourself a serious heart break... which many laakh fall into today.. and no surgery can repair. but those who follow Allaahs wisdom are protected alot from future sadness and trials. He wants to protect the girls heart from breaking and the boys legs from breaking. Allaah khair.. Allaah maaf..
This ^ all can happen through dating process to getting to know the girl. If you think this type of date is sweet like the kajoor you are mistaken my son. It might be sweet for a little while but the consequences are bitter. And if you think this type of date is the best way of finding out about your wife to be, you are also mistaken.
Now if deep down your intentions were that u really wanted to go dating and have some fun then what I hv said will make you feel miserable. You don't have to read any further and I make dua for you that Allaah make your heart be pleased with what He is pleased with.
But if your sincere intentions are that you are worried about not finding out the personality of the girl and her nature, then keep reading below what I say for there are other more smart ways of finding out about the girls nature and personality, without putting your emotions and feelings at risk. This ways are more effective and reveal much more about the person than any other.
The wise person goes into marriage with his eyes open.. and afterwards closes his eyes.
But the unwise person goes into marriage with his eyes close... and afterwards opens his eyes.
There is lot of wisdom if we contemplate and learn from mistakes of others son.
As I was saying about the other ways of finding out about personality of girl and her nature... then that way is by involving your female members of your family who get to know the girl and meet her family. And they do this over a period of some time so they know each other well. Infact, some who are really clever do this without even letting the other family know that they are interested in rishtaa [if circumstances permit].
They also meet other community people who know the family and ask them. If it is like the big pakistani communities than it is very easy because lots of connections especially through the auntie network. Everyone knows each other really well.
So we find out all we need to know about religious commitment, personality and nature. And when they [the boys family] are happy with the girl they let the boy meet her to see if he also likes her and is compatible with her and vice versa. The meeting of the boy and girl does not have to be many meetings because usually they can tell if they like each other in one or two sittings/conversations. The mahram does not have to be standing right over their heads and breathing down their backs listening to their conversation. ofcourse not. If the boy and girl want to talk they can sit in the lounge while the family or mahram sits at a distance from them at the other end of the room or leave the door open etc.. The house will be a more respectable place for boy and girl to meet than outside in restaurant or in coffee shop. And once the boy and girl find that they like each other or feel attracted to each other, then the purpose of the meeting is fulfilled which was to find this out. Usually one meeting is enough to know whether you feel attracted to someone or not. For some people they might need 2 or 3. But once they like each other.. that is it. No more meetings now, sorry son. Khalas. We know you like each other... Arrange the shadi. Again.. preventing any hardship upon the boy or girl.
And throughout this whole careful process of Homework of investigations and consultations, After all the ishtishara's.... we also perform our istikharas... we consult the Lord who knows our nature more than we know it ourselves and He also knows the girls nature more than she even knows it herself... And He knows whether both these natures will match or clash..Then under His mercy and in the presence of our family and after doing all our homework... the boy and girl can get married.
And this marriage is very beautiful and beautifully arranged.
I hope you can see now from this perspective And I hope that your Q's are not bugging you any more.
May Allaahs mercy be with you son. No auntie or uncle or mother or father wants their sons or daughters to feel they have to date get to know each other. This is not your headache or responsibility please dont worry son. This is the elders headache - and they love doing it. All your job is to see if you like the girl or boy, rest is elders job to find out about them. May Allaah give the elders the tawfeeq, and may He find you a wonderful wife insha' Allaah.