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almahdali
10-11-2010, 07:17 AM
Salaam,

I need help. I have no good friends at all in my class, and i can't really befriend them since i feel that they are not the kind of friend which is suitable for me.

I spend my times in musalla in my hostel during prayers time, and some people said it's a good place to build friendship but i feel low self esteem when i am among people in the musalla. can anyone suggest me steps to befriend people and later build friendly relationship? could you share with me your experience. sometimes i also feel depressed when i can't talk about my problems or asking anything regarding daily life.

i'm afraid people might think i am arrogant when i did not talk to them but actually i am just shy to begin the conversation and hardly talk in the public since i am always alone. i also notice that i'm like trembling when talking to people. i dunno why, i'm afraid that i might suffer mental illness too because of i have no friends.

i have bad experience too when a jordanian guy, i guess around 40's trying to approach me and later i found out that he's a sex maniac in an opposite manner. that experience really traumatized me. i don't want a friend like that. i just want a friend who reminds me about worshipping Allah and in the same time being my teacher. please help me, brothers and sisters. thanks :(
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Ummu Sufyaan
10-11-2010, 12:01 PM
:sl:
it sounds like you might have some type of social anxiety. this isnt anything abnormal, it just means you get abut scared of socializing with people.

having said that, your problem of socializing might not just be about you, there could be other factors that are hampering your ability to socialize, such as:
-the people you are around. they might not be your type, or they may have some type of characteristics (scary, arrogant, etc) which makes them hard to approach.

- the type of conversations you have with people. it might not be your type of conversation/it isn't exactly something of your interest.

-how you are trying to get your point across...it might not be clear and so people wont understand it which makes it seem like you cant socialize whereas it might just be you needing to refine how you say whatever it is you want to say.

-what you are trying to say. it maybe that you have some type of irrational fear that you have convinced yourself that what you are saying is wrong or it is embarrassing to talk/ask about it.

there are some ways to help you overcome this which i have just copy/pasted from another thread, with slight modification...i'll add to the list dua. make lots of dua that Allah helps you to overcome this.
also just stay relaxed and keep telling yourself that everything will be ok, inshsAllah. this is becuase the more you worry, the more you will find that you have trouble articulating and putting words/sentences together.

so you can try change this by trying ot implement the following:

a) small talk. start your conversations small. take them as they come and dont get ahead of yourself. for example: the situation is that you meet someone new at a function
you: *smile*
them: wa alaykum *smile back*
you: *notice they have a different accent* subhanallah brother where are you from?
them: *mentions where he's from*
you: oh yeah, i traveled there last year, awesome place. i especially liked the hospitality of the locals.

the point is is that you have found common ground with that person, which develops into a level of comfortably with them, and suddenly you will find that they/you invite one another for lunch..

b) "manipulate"/direct the conversation so it is something you are comfortable and familiar with. only talk about things where you know and can be sure where the conversation is going. this is so that you dont feel awkward and anxious if something unexpected comes up. for example you may meet someone who likes photography (if you like that as-well) direct the conversation towards what the best places to take photos is at, the time of day, the type of cmaera to use...use your knowledge too your advantage which it is something you are familiar with and hence will be more confident.

c) befriend people who are more talkative then you. this is because they will be doing most of the talking, and you will mostly do the listening. having said that though, don't runaway from socializing out of fear that your conversations will dry up and you will have nothing to say...due to your social problem, you may fear that your conversations with others will dry up and there will be a lot of awkward moments during that conversation with someone, but it only seems that way becuase you cant talk, etc. but most of the time people are moderate converses which means even if you have difficulty speaking, since they don't, they will think of something to say. those types of fears only seems that way becuase you, yourself cant talk.

d) without eavesdropping, listen to the way people talk and what they talk about. this is so that you can get an idea of how conversations are meant to be. i know it sounds trivial, but a unsocial person forgets these things since they aren't engaging is socializing. you may reach a point where you just dont think certain things should be said and so you choose to remain quite, just simply because you find that kind of talk useless. it may very well ...but all these tend to improve social skills

e) plan your conversation. this sort of is like point d only you aren't directing the conversation towards you, but just generally it gives you a rough idea of how your conversation maybe like so that you dont get awkward and timid. think ahead of what you want to say.

when you see that you arent "clicking" with someone, dont think that its a failure or that you cant socialize, it just maybe that you aren't on the same wave length as that particular person...once you see that you have something in common with someone, conversation and being social with them, will come very easy, inshallah.
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tango92
10-12-2010, 07:43 PM
easy ways to converse are

say salaam, introduce yourdelf ie name, where ur from. ask them about theirs

come to a common ground of interest. eg any hobby you have, what u study or what u do 4 a living. and say whatever is in your heart inshallah
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