Asalaamu alaykum Sister,
Try to calm down sister. I know exactly how you feel because I go through such bad waswas myself and I still do although insha Allah, I think I might be getting better slowly. But what you described, let me assure you I have been there although most of the time I deal with thoughts of kufr but I have had thoughts of shirk as well.
Insha Allah the answer I give you is correct but may Allah forgive me if I make any mistakes in assumptions whilst answering. Ameen.
format_quote Originally Posted by
Zobia
it happened so fast i didn't even register what it was in my mind
First of all, I know exactly how this feels. It is an awful feeling when you sometimes get this overwhelmingly bad waswas and it just leaves you stricken and you wonder, how did THAT happen? In my case, I start wondering if it was intentional or not. As you have said, you knew it wasn't from you so that's a good step.
I use a sort of checklist first of all to check with myself that the thought I got was waswas and this came about after the countless posts and threads I started on such issues. I ask myself the following questions:
1. Did I believe that thought at all?
2. Did I like that thought?
3. Do I want it to go away?
If the answers are No, No, Yes then I just try to ignore the thought as waswas. I know it's easier said than done and I have often done what you have described next; revisiting the scene (and often with thoughts of kufr :()
format_quote Originally Posted by
Zobia
my only intention was to remember what the waswas was so then i could judge to see if i had said this or if it was from shaytan
You have said it there yourself: Your intention was to remember what the waswas was, NOT to commit shirk. Sister, think of it this way. People often ask imams or learned people about a waswas they got to confirm that it was a waswas and not a sin. Especially in the beginning stages when you do get waswas, and you have not experienced it before and you wonder why in the world did you think this thought? You might not even know enough to call it waswas so you would say it out loud to learn about it. Just by rethinking it, I don't think it means you have committed a shirk. You have to have the full intention to commit shirk and most importantly YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT IN YOUR HEART in order for something to count as shirk or kufr. Just by you re-thinking a thought (especially to prove to yourself you don't believe in it) will not mean shirk.
Ages ago, I posted a thread about kufr and here is part of a reply I got from Brother Hamza.
'My sister firstly it is only shirk if you meant it from your heart and not just by your tongue. You were angry so said it out of anger by using your tongue and from what you stated it does'nt seem like you accepted it from your heart when you said those words but said it out of mere anger without even thinking about it.
Secondly even if you meant it by heart if you feel remorseful which you clearly are and if you sincerely repent with the intention of never repeating such an act again which you also clearly have then inshallah you will be forgiven as Allah forgives any sin including shirk as long as one repented sincerely before death.'
Have faith in your self and in your faith. You know you did not want to commit shirk and you didn't even say it out loud. You just merely reacted to waswas and insha Allah, that won't count as shirk as far as I know. Brother Hamza's reply to me backs it up too.
format_quote Originally Posted by
Zobia
I just don't know if this is forgivable by Allah (SWT) !!
Don't ever despair of how great Allah (swt) mercy is. I know how you feel again. There have been times when I've thought that what I've done has been so bad that none of my deeds will ever get accepted. It is so clear that you feel remorseful about this thought you had. Just repent to Allah (swt). Insha Allah, you won't get punished for this but you can always repent though. From what I understand, shirk is unforgivable if someone dies believing in it and not repenting to Allah. You don't believe in it, and you can repent.
I know you posted this thread awhile ago and I apologise for not having responded earlier. I only came across it and thought I would try and reply back because you have described things I have and still go through. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this and that shaythan keeps trying to spread his waswas. We need to try and ignore it as much as we can. Brother Hamza showed me a scholar response that having waswas is a sign of faith. Alhamdulillah, that is a beautiful thing to take away with us in that case (although getting waswas can still be so difficult to deal with). Shaythan wants you to feel like you have sinned so much that you can't ever even imagine being forgiven by Allah (swt) and that you might as well stop practicing. Don't let him win! Keep striving forward in your faith and have faith in Allah. Make Dua's to Allah (swt) to help you against waswas.
Sister, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone when going through waswas. If you need to talk, PM me anytime. I might not be able to be of much help because I still have panic attacks when it comes to waswas. But insha Allah, I will try my best.
May Allah help you. May Allah forgive me if I've made any mistakes in my response. Ameen.