Engagement/Wedding Question.

[kingkong]

Salaam to all my Brothers and Sisters.

May Allah Bless us all in this life and the next life. May He keep us from the sins that may ruin us and May He help us to fight off the cursed shaytaan.

I have some questions for which I am too shy (we guys get shy too) to ask those who are dear to me.

1. I am going to be engaged and married within 2 weeks and 6 months respectively, but I will not see the girl until I am married. Is this permissable? I have no complaints, I think I like the idea of not knowing what she looks like until she is my wife.

2. I am doing everything which is Islamically correct, no contact directly with the girl, any messages will be relayed through to her family by mum, not by me. The girl's family will speak to my mother, not me. How often should I relay a message such as, "I hope you are well, I am fine, take care etc"? I know that sounds trivial, but you have to understand I am from a family dominated by males, so I am not sure about these things.

3. Is it common for a guy to be constantly thinking about his future wife (not in a shameful way) and married life etc? I try to take my mind off the matters with work, but it's extremely difficult.

4. Do girls think about married life more or do guys?

Thank you very much.

I apologise if some of the questions seem very trivial but I am not from a westernised family and we don't have any sisters in our house, so the behaviour of women and their attitude we have only learnt from our own mother.

[Ansariyah]

Salaam to all my Brothers and Sisters.

May Allah Bless us all in this life and the next life. May He keep us from the sins that may ruin us and May He help us to fight off the cursed shaytaan.

Walaikuma salam
Ameen.

1. I am going to be engaged and married within 2 weeks and 6 months respectively, but I will not see the girl until I am married. Is this permissable? I have no complaints, I think I like the idea of not knowing what she looks like until she is my wife.

Congratulations on ur upcoming Marriage!

Well, u said u prefer 'not to know what she looks like' so aslong ur happy it's all Good. It's what u want that matters. There are many hadith which urge the prospective spouse to get a look at the other before undertaking the marriage.

Once a companion told him (saw) that he was going to get married. The Prophet (saw) asked if he had seen her. When the man said no, he (sas) said:

"Idh-hab fandhur ilaihaa fa innahu ahraa an yu'dama bainakum."
"Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." Ahmad and others and it is sahih.

2. I am doing everything which is Islamically correct, no contact directly with the girl, any messages will be relayed through to her family by mum, not by me. The girl's family will speak to my mother, not me. How often should I relay a message such as, "I hope you are well, I am fine, take care etc"? I know that sounds trivial, but you have to understand I am from a family dominated by males, so I am not sure about these things.

I'll let someone else answer this one....

3. Is it common for a guy to be constantly thinking about his future wife (not in a shameful way) and married life etc? I try to take my mind off the matters with work, but it's extremely difficult.

Marriage is a big step in a persons life, so its only normal that u think about it etc. If it never crossed ur mind that would be a cause for concern, esp since ur getting married soon.

4. Do girls think about married life more or do guys?

Same for both?

Thank you very much.

I apologise if some of the questions seem very trivial but I am not from a westernised family and we don't have any sisters in our house, so the behaviour of women and their attitude we have only learnt from our own mother.

No worries, I apologize if I was of no help!

[Beardo]

3. Is it common for a guy to be constantly thinking about his future wife (not in a shameful way) and married life etc? I try to take my mind off the matters with work, but it's extremely difficult.

4. Do girls think about married life more or do guys?

Bro, I'm not even getting engaged or married anytime soon and Idream about marital life 24/7. Just be mentally prepared. Plan a little bit into your future (as necessary). Try not to fantasize, btw.

I'd say both genders think about it equally, in my opinion. :P

['Abd Al-Maajid]

First of all congratulations for your forthcoming engagement and marriage. :)

I apologise if some of the questions seem very trivial but I am not from a westernised family and we don't have any sisters in our house, so the behaviour of women and their attitude we have only learnt from our own mother.

I too come from a male dominated family and the only female person in our family is our mom. So some of the above and similar other questions comes to my mind as well. :p

Phew! so much obstacles between until you become worthy of marriage. :p

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[Perseveranze]

Whatever makes you happy brother, Inshallah you'll have a happy Married life.

[coolhaseena786]

:sl: Brother, firstly, congrats...answering your first question, I think it's halal and nothing to worry about...but I just hope your bride will look after you because I know some ladies who don't...answering ur 2nd question, I don't know..lol...3, yes it's permissionable for you to think about your future wife and married life...it's good to prepare yourself mentally than you won't be tensed out when that day comes...I also do the same sometimes ;D...I think both think about married life the same...I think we girls think more about our prince charming than guys dream about their princesses ;D...all the best to you brother :statisfie
:wa: sister in Islam

[kingkong]

Salaam,

Thank you all for the kind replies, May Allah bless you for taking the time to respond.

I get engaged today, in a few hours time I will be an engaged man and I am absolutely restless.

1. I won't be at the engagement myself.

2. I wish this had all happened (engagement and wedding) inside 2 weeks, whether now or later, so as to stop me from being restless and constantly thnking about it.

3. I try all day, all night to keep my mind off such things, I play games, watch sport, go out with my brothers, work late and make the journeys there and back as long as possible so as to kill time, but if it's going to be like this for the next 6 months until I get married, I don't know how I'll cope.

I am not scared, nor do I have anything against the engagement and wedding, it's time for me to, I'm 25, however it is something that I wish I could take my mind off but there is simply no remedy.

May Allah bless us all and help us to stay on the righteous path. May he make us do everything which is Islamically correct. Ameen.

['Abd Al-Maajid]

1. I won't be at the engagement myself.

Has the engagement took place OTA?

[Banu_Hashim]

Brother, you need to know what she looks like! Not knowing what she looks like isn't hayaa' or recommended!

It is actually sunnah for you to look at the person that you wish to consider for marriage.

[Cabdullahi]

shizzle!....you know you are doing something wrong when king kong is getting married and you are not

:(

[جوري]

Brother, you need to know what she looks like! Not knowing what she looks like isn't hayaa' or recommended!

It is actually sunnah for you to look at the person that you wish to consider for marriage.

I was about to say that indeed.. thank you for beating me to it.. I believe that seeing your bride to be will lessen the anxiety and questions for you..I'd be a wreck if I signed into a life long contract not knowing anything at all about what I am getting into..

please have a look at your bride to be, speak with her in the presence of a mahram, there is no reason to go through a few weeks let alone days wracking your brain with what ifs, what will happen what is waiting.. how will it be.. you owe yourself a peace of mind.. may Allah swt grant you and your bride to be much happiness..

and congratulations..

:w:

[أبو سليمان عمر]

Salaam to all my Brothers and Sisters.

wa alaykumus salam

May Allah Bless us all in this life and the next life. May He keep us from the sins that may ruin us and May He help us to fight off the cursed shaytaan.

Ameen

1. I am going to be engaged and married within 2 weeks and 6 months respectively, but I will not see the girl until I am married. Is this permissable? I have no complaints, I think I like the idea of not knowing what she looks like until she is my wife.

Alhumdulilla akhi this is great to hear as for not see the girl well you dont want to then no need to but it is sunnah for her to see you and you to see her and perferred
((If anyone’s heart settles on proposing to a woman, then he can look at that which will lead him to marry her)), [Translators note: This is the hadeeth of Jaabir ibn ‘Abdillaah (radhi-yallaahu 'anhu) who said: The Messenger of Allaah (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) said but it is not obligatory
also read the post below about being alone to look at or talk to

2. I am doing everything which is Islamically correct, no contact directly with the girl, any messages will be relayed through to her family by mum, not by me. The girl's family will speak to my mother, not me. How often should I relay a message such as, "I hope you are well, I am fine, take care etc"? I know that sounds trivial, but you have to understand I am from a family dominated by males, so I am not sure about these things.

Alhumdulillah and insha Allah you will continue to do it islamicly but as for the contact well dirclty and alone is not permissable weather it be a letter phone or in person but after the aqd engament well then as for how often if it is after the engagment then as much as you want as far as i know
Question: What is the view of the religion concerning [pre-marital] relations?

Response: If the questioner means by "before marriage," before consummation of the marriage but after the contract, the there is no harm in such relations since she is his wife by virtue of the contract, even though they have not decorously consummate the marriage. However, if it is before the marriage, such as during the period of engagement or otherwise, such contact is forbidden and impermissible. It is not allowed for a man to enjoy a nor related woman's company, either by speech, look or private company.

It is confirmed that the Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) said:

((A man cannot be alone with a woman except in the presence of [one of her] mahram. And a woman cannot travel except with a mahram)).

In sum, if that contact or association is after the marriage contract, there is no harm in it. If it is before the marriage ceremony, even if it is after proposal and acceptance, it is not allowed. Such behavior is forbidden for him since the woman is a non-relative and non-wife until they conclude the marriage contract.

Shaykh Ibn 'Uthaymeen
Fataawa al-Mar.ah

3. Is it common for a guy to be constantly thinking about his future wife (not in a shameful way) and married life etc? I try to take my mind off the matters with work, but it's extremely difficult.

yes it is the older u get the more u think about it

4. Do girls think about married life more or do guys?

Allah knows best i guess it depends on the person

[أبو سليمان عمر]

wa alaykumus salam

1. I won't be at the engagement myself.

i believe you must be there insha Allah i will ask today and post tomorrow

[Neelofar]

Congratulatiiionnns and celebrationsss! :D so, oficially an engaged man now? :D do you feel any different? :p i think you should see what your to-be wife looks like but if you DON'T want to see her then that's okay too (but after you're married, just don't be like, 'i don't like the way she looks blah blah, or try to change her) i'm 19 and i think people my age do think about marriage, well the girls anyway! I can't wait to be married! i'd marry in a minute - but i just haven't met the right person and i'm still younggg and naive :embarrass i don't think guys my age think about marriage though.. no, no - they're too busy fraternising with other girls to even think about something as serious as marriage - way too immature!

[Banu_Hashim]

may Allah swt grant you and your bride to be much happiness..

Ameen ya rabb.

[kingkong]

Salaam,

May Allah Bless you for the responses, I have read them all, but to avoid confusion I will avoid quoting everything, but I will address 2/3 points which you have made.

I am now officially engaged. I twas supposed to be in a little while, but it was over this last weekend. I was not at the engagement, my mum and dad were. I have absolutely no complaints and in fact I'm happy I didn't go as I would have felt extremely shy in that environment.

It is Sunnah for me to look at the girl, but I have never liked to be in front of young females of the same age, ever since I was a boy I have avoided such situations and even now when people are asking me to look at the girl's pic, I don't want to because I feel really shy about it. I knwo the Prophet PBUH's Sunnah should be followed and Allah knows best, but in this case I have complete and total faith in my mother's choice and I feel too shy to look at her.

To what extent am I sinning by not adhering to this Sunnah? Am I sinning?

As for how I feel, I really don't feel any different to what I did 3 weeks ago, because I knew my family had decided upon this girl. However it starting to sink in, I will have a woman of my own, this girl will be with me till death and I am feeling every emotion known to man. I am scared about falling short as a husband. I am excited about life with her and being a father one day too Insha'Allah. I am anxious as I want it to come very fast. I am grateful that for my patience Allah SWT has rewarded me in this way.

I want to do everything that is Islamically correct, I really do, but I feel I am very reserved and that even most girls are not as shy I am, especially int he real world.

But in the end All praise is to Allah it is through him we find our happiness and I will find happiness I am sure with this girl.

[أبو سليمان عمر]

To what extent am I sinning by not adhering to this Sunnah? Am I sinning?

no you are not sinning insha Allah it is a sunnah a reward for doing it with the right niyah and no sin if you dont do it

[Banu_Hashim]

All the same, I think it would be good idea, in the presence of mahrams of course to look at her and talk to her. Maybe she wants to talk to you?

But anyways...akhee, I have a feeling you're gonna make an amazing husband and father in the future insha'Allaah. All the best.

:wa: