View Full Version : What do we do??

11-26-2010, 09:12 PM
I am an Egyptian. born and raised in America. I fell in love with a girl during a period of time that I was losing grip in life. I looked upon It as a sign and a gift from God. I got to know her and we really kicked it off. It was just like those movies, like the notebook. I decided I would want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.

Now here is the issue,and it seems to get worse by the day : her mother is a devoted Christian. Her dad is a muslim but not very close to the way of life. In Egypt,society matters about what class you are,what is your last name,where do you live and how rich you are. Her dads first question was "what is his last name?". Her mom apparently does not find me good enough for her daughter cause I do not have "rich or royal blood" in me,I do not have unique features such as blue eyes,blonde hair, I do not have a valuable name in this country and my family is close to the religion (something she frowns upon deeply). Her daughter loves the fact my family is close to the dean and that we are good muslims. My sisters been trying to help her start praying and such. Her mom found that threatening. Her mom forbid her to see me and my family again,but ask her daughter to hang out with people her "level". Those people her mom tried to suggest for her to go out commit sins such as occasionally drinking,adultery, smoking and the "normal" thing that society is known for now.
It got worse yesterday when her mom cornered the daughter,threaten to kill her or me if we keep seeing eachother and warned us the worst. The mom called me up and told me some mean things,such as I am not her class,I am not worthy, and some things I would not like to mention.
To make it clear, everyone around us,even her parent's friends, agree for us and are trying to help. They all met me and gave their approval. I met her brother and he liked me,but he is too scared to get involved and asked to stay out of it. So the only two people against us is her parents. I met her cousins,a few uncles know about me. They all said the parents have an issue and have the utmost worst thinking. then just last night, she text me. Telling me everyone is against us now. Her mom apparently scared them all to back off and they all are trying to pull us apart.

I need help. The girl is very sick (has a rare heart disorder), and all her life her parents been caging her (she never allowed herself to hang out with such people and do what her parents want,which is usually against the right way of life). She really is a good pure girl, apparently born different than her parents, and she does not want to give in to the things they want. I tried to look at the point of view that maybe the parents are doing this because they love and care for her. All day do to her all day is yell and make her feel bad. She is born very unique and beautiful so her parents want to use that to let her marry someone in their standards and her looks. We really do not know what to do..

shes 21 AND NOT ONCE in her life her parents let her make her own decision. they make her wear her watch the way they want to, make her eat what they want, shoot man they make her walk the way they approve. Shes been complaining to me long before we even got together, how she can not take it anymore and she can never live life. I showed her how to love by being free, eating out (her family never eats out! ever, not even ice cream). We just had a time of our lives. I am not a fan to take a girl from her parents. Why i told her if her family was good to her and if they were really caring for her and doing things cause they love her (they do things to show off to the public and everything is done for public show), then i would have backed out right away. shes always begged me that what ever happens, never leave her because she cant stand living that kind of life style. Her brother is 25 and the kid has not grown up yet! he actually cracked because of all that things their parents are doing to them that he literally acts like a child now.

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11-26-2010, 09:17 PM
Wait one momento are you a female or did you mistakenly hit the Sister in Islam button?.....:?
if you are female you cant marry her it would be haram

11-27-2010, 09:53 AM
I am a female but this is what the guy that i intend to marry had written to a previous website explaining our situation and problem.

11-27-2010, 02:52 PM
oh ok so u are the girl he is referring to..so he wrote that most of ur family said that ur parents have some issues and bad thinking like ur mom threatening to kill u if this is true then their judgement MAY not be too sound and u could get an uncle or bro to approve the marriage....i will look this up to be sure bc in islam parent's approval is important
another question have asked ur dad about it without ur mom being near? does he feel the same or is it just ur mom?

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12-01-2010, 05:29 PM
Yes,i am the girl he refers to,sadly.
We know that according to the Hanfi school (which is the school used in Egypt) I can give myself away in marriage as soon as i am of age (I will turn 21 in January) without needing a wali.
But the point of all this,is that we can not get married if my parents know about it,they threaten to kill him and me.
My father does not want to address me directly as he told my mother to tell me that if he saw him near me again,he will jail him (my father is a well-renowned lawyer in our country) so we have been contemplating to run away and get married and not come back till a good amount of time has passed or get married here without their knowledge then tell them at the right time or just have him go talk to my father and we pray that he does not call the police on him :(
please,help us

12-01-2010, 05:53 PM
The girl’s father disagrees with a marriage –what is the solution?
I have a question regarding marrige. If a father disagrees with a marrage along racial lines or because that person is upon the manhaj of the salaf and there is no islamic judge in your locality e.g. Carribbean, What should that person do according to the Qur'an and Sunnah?

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: it is not permissible for a man to marry a woman without the permission of her walee (guardian), regardless of whether she is a virgin or previously-married. This is the view of the majority of scholars, including al-Shaafa’i, Maalik and Ahmad. They take as evidence (daleel) the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him):
“There should be no nikaah (marriage contract) except with a wali (guardian).”
(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1101; Abu Dawood, 2085; Ibn Maajah, 1881. It is saheeh, as stated in Irwaa’ al-Ghaleel,6/235, by al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him).
And the hadeeth:
“Any woman who gets married without the permission of her wali, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. If her husband has consummated the marriage, then the mahr belongs to her in return for that. If she does not have a wali then the (Muslim) ruler is the wali of anyone who does not have a wali.”
(Narrated and classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi, 1102; Abu Dawood, 2083; Ibn Maajah, 1879).
Secondly: if her wali prevents her from marrying the person she wants with no shar’i reason for doing so, the guardianship passes to someone who is fit to be a wali, so it may pass from her father to her grandfather, for example.
Thirdly: if all her guardians prevent her for no shar’i reason, then the (Muslim) ruler will be her wali, because of the hadeeth, “…If she does not have a wali, then the (Muslim) ruler is the wali of anyone who does not have a wali.” The “ruler” here means the judge who rules according to sharee’ah.
The wali does not have the right to prevent a woman from marrying on the basis of his own whims and with no shar’i reason.
It was reported that al-Hasan said: Ma’qil ibn Yassaar told me that [this aayah] was revealed concerning him. He said: “I married a sister of mine to a man, and he divorced her. When her ‘iddah was over, he came and asked to marry her. I said to him, ‘I married her to you and I treated you well and honoured you, then you divorced her. And now you come asking to marry her! No, by Allaah, she will never go back to you!’ He was a man who had nothing wrong with him, and the woman wanted to go back to him. Then Allaah revealed this aayah (interpretation of the meaning): ‘…do not prevent them …’ [al-Baqarah 2:232]. So I said, ‘Now I will do it, O Messenger of Allaah.’” So he married her to him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4837).
According to another report, he said:
“It was concerning me that this aayah was revealed (interpretation of the meaning): ‘And when you have divorced women and they have fulfilled the term of their prescribed period, do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands’ [al-Baqarah 2:232].
Fourthly: If there is no wali and no shar’i judge, then her case should be referred to the ruler or whoever is acting in his stead. If there is no such person, then her case should be referred to the sharee’ah courts. If there is no sharee’ah court, then her case should be referred to a man who holds a position of leadership among his people and is committed to Islam. If there is no such man, then her case should be referred to any trustworthy and religiously-committed man who is fit to be a wali.
Ibn Qudaamah said: if a woman does not have a wali and there is no ruler, then according to Ahmad, any religiously-committed man may arrange her marriage with her permission. (al-Mughni, 7/352).
Shaykh ‘Umar Al-Ashqar says:
If there is no Muslim ruler and the woman is in a place where the Muslims do not have a ruler and she has no wali at all, such as the Muslims in America etc., then if there are Islamic organizations in that country which take care of the Muslims’ affairs, they should step in and take care of arranging her marriage. The same applies if the Muslims have a leader whom they obey or someone who takes care of their affairs. (Al-Waadih fi Sharh Qaanoon al-Ahwaal al-Shakhsiyyah al-Urduni, p. 70).
All of this [transferring guardianship to someone other than the girl’s father] must be with the consent of the girl and should not result in greater corruption than preventing you from marrying her. It should also be on the condition that the reason for [the father’s] refusal is invalid according to the sharee’ah, as you have explained.
Fifthly: it is not permissible for the walee to refuse marriage because the prospective husband does not follow his manhaj of da’wah, or because he is not of his tribe or from his country. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded us to marry religious people and not to refuse them, otherwise corruption and tribulation would be the result.
Abu Hurayrah said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If someone whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you proposes marriage, then marry [your female relative under your charge] to him. If you do not do that, there will be tribulation in the land and much corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; Ibn Maajah, 1967. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him, in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah. 1022).
Sixthly: by the same token, it is not permissible for a woman to justify a marriage to whomever she wishes on the grounds that this person is following the same manhaj of da’wah. It is sufficient for her that the person who is proposing marriage is religiously committed and has a good attitude.
And all parties concerned should remember that their Lord, may He be blessed and exalted, is always watching them.

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid


12-03-2010, 04:10 PM
My father can make up ANY basis he wants in order to annul the marriage and its validity.
they have been buying me expensive new things,taking me abroad to show me new countries and taking me to weddings and social outings in order to "advertise" that they have a girl that is of the age or marriage.
The strain is unbearable for me, in order for me to have a wedding for the social status that my parents wish,then I have to give up this guy (his name is Abdel).
But in order for me to marry Abdel and follow my own wishes,I have to disobey my parents in having a lavish wedding and inviting people i don't know and because of my parents I have only 2 friends that would actually be happy for me if i get married. because of how they always want to know the background of the family and what the father does for a living,I have ended up with no friends except the ones they approve of.
both my parents are of not a rich background,especially my mother,her father was an Armenian hand-made leather goods maker,her mother comes from a poor Cypriot family. They both lived here in Egypt and were married here.
My father,used to drink growing up,has lost his virginity before marriage to my mother,and his father at one time of his life,had a nightclub that went bankrupt and now,he has a small factory for making cheap clothes for women. my point is,they have no right to judge others when they are being judged themselves. They shouldn't throw rocks when their houses are made of glass (as the saying goes).
my parents have made it their life obsession to be better and make me and my 24 year old brother better than anyone in our society and in return,I had not learned how to pray till I met Abdel,him and his sisters (upon my request) taught me. My brother does NOT pray. My father does,he never misses a fard. fasts ramadan and reads the qura'an in ramadan and he has made haj once in his life.

I have done a lot of things that i am not proud of, and I am trying to make things right in my life and Abdel has made me see things differently and helped me make sense out of things and I want to start my life with him in the eyes of God and on the sunnah of rasool (salla Allah alayhy wa sallam).
Here,in Egypt,the followed school is the Hanafi schooling.

I just want to know what are my options and what i can do,i tried talking to them,they yelled,trapped me at home and they do not want to here the words "its my life,my choice"
I do not want to hurt them but in staying here and following their rules and orders and ways of living,i am burying myself alive.

I tried salat isti5ara but i did not have any dreams or signs to tell me to leave him,instead it gave me more and more reasons of why i love being with him and want to be with him in halal.

Please advise.

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