marriage and trusting in Allah

[anonymous]

:sl:

InshAllah I was hoping some married brothers and sisters could help me here. I was wondering to what extent we should tawakkul in Allah swt when considering a potential spouse. I know Mr. Perfect doesn't exist and I know that I will have to make some compromises in this next stage of life so I am thinking with an open mind inshAllah. I know, I myself, am not perfect but I do aspire to always work towards being a mu'min. I just pray for someone with similar aims and of good manners/character (and as an extra an urdu speaker=)). Since I am of age and have had some interest recently... Im not sure how to respond.

I have to meet a potential partner soon and inshAllah I will do istikhara prior to this. Although I know very little about him, I do know he is not as close to his deen as his family members...so my initial feelings are negative. I have put these feelings to a side for now as my parents are quite happy for me to meet this guy (main reason being his parents are good friends with my parents). I feel very shy to ask him about himself and want to leave most of the investigations to my family. If my family are happy and I am satisfied he has a connection with his deen do I trust in Allah swt and go ahead with it? Is istikhara enough to pursue such relationships since we will never fully know a person until we live with them?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
to what extent "is he not as close to the deen as his family?"

first you have to ask what you are looking for in a spouse as this is the key to finding the right one. so to what extent do you want him to be religious? write down what you what and prefer, or atleast have it clear in your mind what you want. is it as long as he fulfills his obligations and the rest doesn't matter? (even if he isn't as religious as his family, it is still very important you marry one who fulfill their obligations at the least). does he have to travel to seek knowledge? does he have to be a da3ee, a mujahid, does he have to pray qiyam regularly, is it ok if he misses his non-obligatory prayers etc what are your preferences? what extent of piousness does he have to be and if he isnt on the same level of piousness as you would like, would he be willing to change if you asked or advised him to or even placed it in your marriage contract? he may have good things about him, but if they arent what you want or what your not looking for, dont compromise at the expense of you want...my point is, is that you shouldn't be hasty and just stick to your guns.

questions like the above need to be asked if you want to find the right spouse. there is no use in sitting and guessing and wishful thinking. its either they fulfill the requirements or they don't. there's no, "well sure i would like him to spend time with me and be at home more, but its really good that he spends all his time out guiding people to islam too." if you want him at home more often, then you make sure you marry someone who is willing to do that. giving dawah is good and people shouldnt be prevented from it (thats not what im arguing), but far too often people compromise what they truly want, for something that merely seems and sounds good...they often fool themslvs into thinking that they can handle something and eventually regret it later.


i think you should ask him questions and speak to him, there's nothing wrong it...you cant really tell who someone is, unless you speak to them. so don't completely rely on others to find out about/ask him as wires may get crossed and confusion may arise. imo, the less people you have to communicate with and get through concering such matter, the better as this avoids confusion. you may be told something that isn't true or you may not be told something that is true. its a lot different when you rely on your own perception then when you rely on other peoples perception, they aren't going to know what you want 100%.


there's my really rare post in this section which i dont like:hiding:

[needtorepent]

I think its good to have your family ask about him but its also very important for you to sit with him (where a mahram can see you) and ask him anything and everything you want to know about him, and vice versa. Of course you can never know a person 100% until you live with them, but this is where the tawakkul comes in. After you ask this person all the questions you want to ask and vice versa, you should pray istikhrah inshallah. For me, istikharah has always been a life saver alhamdulillah. Some people ask questions like: "What if my istikhrah doesn't tell me what to do or doesn't give me a sign?" I think we should let go of all of these questions, because in doua istikharah, what we are essentially doing is asking Allah to guide us to whatever decision is best for us. We don't know that. But Allah does. So after your family has talked to him you've asked everything you need to know, pray istikharah and just trust Allah. If you and the person are right for each other, inshaAllah Allah will facilitate the marriage for you. And if you and the person aren't a good fit for any reason, inshaAllah Allah will not facilitate the marriage for you.

Keep in mind that people who live together for a long time and think they know each other very well and end up marrying each other often aren't happy in their marriages. Divorce rates of people who get to know each other for much longer are not lower than divorce rates of people who don't take many years to get to know each other and don't live together before marriage.


Another important note: There are two things you shouldn't compromise on when looking for a spouse: deen and character. I think those two are very important. I know that none of us are perfect, but we should try to marry someone similar to us in terms of deen and character. If someone is a lot higher than you in deen or character or a lot lower than you in deen or character, I think you should take that as a red flag. Generally, we are attracted to someone who is similar in those aspects, and naturally, it makes adjusting to living and being with that person much easier.

Edit: I forgot to add. I am not married but I am pretty much in the same position as you, in the process of being introduced to potential spouses by family.

[anonymous]

Thank you sisters for the replies they were both very helpful...JazakAllahu Khair =)

Sis. Ummu Sufyan... I will inshAllah speak to him. As I mentioned the two most important things are deen and character. He should regularly fulfill his fardh obligations and have a desire to do more. This is something I can ask him....but how can I know that he is of good character or he is working towards improving his character. I know the two should come hand in hand but I don't often see this. When I think deeper into this I often question my own character and then I feel confused as to what I is good for me. Maybe I don't know... Maybe I judge wrongly...? Thats why my istikhara is so important to me and there is a sense of comfort that I can rely on this.

I totally agree with you sis needtorepent. I guess were in the same boat!

May Allah swt grant us that which is best for us in both worlds...Ameen

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[Ummu Sufyaan]

you ask around? you see him from afar if possible how he communicates with others(?)..basically his ettiqeute in different situations?

are you the type fo person that can read people without them saying anything? this also helps.

above all, make dua and just trust allah. i dont know that you can fully know a person until you live with them...all the best....i don tknow if that was much help :hmm:

[Endymion]

Salams Dearest Sister In Islam :statisfie
I pray that you will find a husband who is good for your Dunyah and Aakhirah and you will live a happy and prosperous life.Amen.

No matter how much information you collect about a person whom you are going to marry,its not enough.We dont know what is in their hearts and what they really are.Sometimes people seems to be very religious and good but in real,they are not that good as we think they are and sometimes,not good and just normal people appears to be very special.So,the best advice i can give is to ask the one who knows what people have in heir hearts and minds and put your trust on him.Ask Allah swt as He is the one who is all-knowing.He can guide you like no one can.Even one of the wife of Prophet Muhammad SAW,when He SAW proposed her,said her "Yes" after performing Istikhara Salatt and if im not mistaking,it was Zeynab Bin-e-Hajash RA.No matter how much information you gather,its still not enough.So just go with Istikhara and do what you feel is good.

Good Luck :statisfie

[Kabeer]

Salams Dearest Sister In Islam :statisfie
I pray that you will find a husband who is good for your Dunyah and Aakhirah and you will live a happy and prosperous life.Amen.

No matter how much information you collect about a person whom you are going to marry,its not enough.We dont know what is in their hearts and what they really are.Sometimes people seems to be very religious and good but in real,they are not that good as we think they are and sometimes,not good and just normal people appears to be very special.So,the best advice i can give is to ask the one who knows what people have in heir hearts and minds and put your trust on him.Ask Allah swt as He is the one who is all-knowing.He can guide you like no one can.Even one of the wife of Prophet Muhammad SAW,when He SAW proposed her,said her "Yes" after performing Istikhara Salatt and if im not mistaking,it was Zeynab Bin-e-Hajash RA.No matter how much information you gather,its still not enough.So just go with Istikhara and do what you feel is good.

Good Luck :statisfie

Salaam Endy,

Surely putting your faith in Allah in this scenario should also go hand in hand with trying your best in this physical world to find out what you can about that person. Allah has given us faculties for a reason.
You cannot stand by a river and ask Allah to pour the water in your mouth.

But yes once you have reached the point , make istikara, see how positive you feel on the person in your heart/gut from what you see. Ask Allah's help and then put your trust in Him.
If you feel the potential spouse is bad, then you would likely got a v.bad feeling by then at least. If you feel good, then it's a good sign.
But yar, its a mix of using your faculties, and following your heart/gut after Istikarah.

Peace

[ummibby]

Walaikum salam

when investigating potential spouses i believe deen must always be of the utmost importance because if a brother or sister fears Allah then you can feel confident that rights and responsibilities will be respected inshaAllah.

you know the hadith about tying your camels, right? so to translate that into this circumstance we can say that praying istikhara is important but we must also be proactive in finding out as much as we can about a potential spouse in order to ascertain compatibility.

and above all...dua, dua, dua! Ask of Allah to give you what is best.

[Muhaba]

after all investigations are completed regarding his deen, character, etc. and you are satisfied that he is right, then you leave the rest to Allah, and the results of the istikhara prayer. you can do the istikhara several times. when Umar (R) wanted to write down the hadith, he did istikhara for one month, (in the end deciding not to write down the hadith).

if on the other hand you aren't satisfied with his (apparent) deen and character, then you shouldn't go ahead with the marriage until he has improved himself. marriage is for life and shouldn't be taken lightly. a mistake today may cause much heartache and trouble later.

[anonymous]

So I am due to meet this potential partner tomorrow inshAllah.

I understand that one must tie the camel and then tawakkul.. but since this persons family are friends with mine I feel there may be bias in character references or there may be less importance on qualities that I consider important. I think my minimum preferences may be fulfilled but I am unsure if this is enough. I will feel frustrated to live with a person who is not proactive in deen and in dunya although he may fulfil his basic Islamic obligations. I am confused as to what I should question tomorrow =/

Duas requested please.

[ummibby]

listen to your instincts also. a lot of the time when we meet new people we can just 'tell' instantly that this is someone we are compatible with or not. of course there are exceptions but i find that this is generally the case.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to that which is good for your deen, dunya and akhira, ameen,.

[anonymous]

JazakAllah khair for the dua'as. Any last minute advice/suggestions for questions ??

[Cabdullahi]

JazakAllah khair for the dua'as. Any last minute advice/suggestions for questions ??

Dont go into a sherlock holmes mentality, just be calm.....you are not going there to expose a person with tough...tricky questions....you are going there to find out about a person and how they conduct themselves so you can retreat and make a decision.

And stay away from jumping to quick conclusions in your mind...whether good or bad

[anonymous]

Your right its not a sherlock holmes investigation. Jazakallah khair.

[Muhaba]

well, it would be a good idea to tell us how it went.

[anonymous]

well, it would be a good idea to tell us how it went.

Thank you for asking =/ that was very sweet


I have a general feeling that this person is not compatible, he even mentioned that he doesnt think we are on similar thought levels in certain aspects. The other party still want to take things further. I havent weighed up positives and not so postives since I wanted the istikhara to guide me, however, I didnt get any clear indication. My mum will be disappointed if i dont consider it further and the pressure of not wanting to disappoint is eating me abit. May Allah forgive me =(

[Cabdullahi]

Thank you for asking =/ that was very sweet


I have a general feeling that this person is not compatible, he even mentioned that he doesnt think we are on similar thought levels in certain aspects. The other party still want to take things further. I havent weighed up positives and not so postives since I wanted the istikhara to guide me, however, I didnt get any clear indication. My mum will be disappointed if i dont consider it further and the pressure of not wanting to disappoint is eating me abit. May Allah forgive me =(

its not your mum who's getting married!

[Reflections]

^Obviously at the end of the day you want that your parents are happy with your potential partner and want the best for you and give their duas and blessings, however..it is you at the end of the day who is going to get married, not your parents or any one else who might try to pressurise you about this brother, obviously weigh out the good and bad points and do istikhara and leave it to Allah..We plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of Planners, all the best and I pray Allah grant you a pious spouse and keep you happy..Allahoma ameen,

[anonymous]

I know she isnt the one getting married... im just sorry that she will be disappointed and she's not the only one, I feel I will be letting the other party down too =( and that makes me sad but I dont feel content with this and I dont want to prolong it. I have been asked to think about it for afew more days by my mother. Im worried I might give in, after all there are no major faults and maybe Allah swt has destined this for me. It seems it has happened with such ease its so difficult to get out of...and I thought that the ease of the situation is supposed to be a postive indication? I feel guilty.

[anonymous]

Have said no. But feel extremely guilty as if this was what God had willed for me =(

[Muhaba]

just be happy with what happened as you did istikhara so if the marriage was what God willed, then you'd have said yes. your heart would have opened for the guy. you can tell your mother also that this was the result of the istikhara prayer and that you need to put trust in the istikhara guiding you to what is best insha-Allah.