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anonymous
05-02-2011, 08:26 PM
Salaam

I have now been married for nearly a year now. I moved 200 miles away from where I grew up to live with my inlaws. I have no friends and family here. I work full time and when I come home from work I'm so exhausted I want to rest. When I go home my husband is there along with his brother (not married) and his sister (married) and her two children. The house is so noisy I can't seem to breathe. The sister pops round everyday to see her mum and dad and her brothers, this is great Mashallah as she has a good relationship with her family. I do get on with the family but I want my own space and privacy. Everytime I mention this the sister interferes and says we won't cope financially (she says this as he doesn't want her parents to live alone) and my husband says I am trying to break up a beautiful close knit family.this is not true is any case I just want my own home and have said to my husband you can see them everyday. I will too go round an help your mum everyday. It has got so bad I'm considering divorce. Any advice???
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Ummu Sufyaan
05-03-2011, 03:26 AM
:sl:
if the sister is so concerned about her parents, why doesn't she move in with her own parents :hmm:

if you need the space, speak to your husband and let him know how you are feeling and do NOT let anyone manipulate you (or your husband) from getting something you need. its none of her business.

if you do move out, visit your inlaws regularly and still look after them if the problem is really about your in-laws and their need for help.
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anonymous
05-03-2011, 04:21 PM
She feels it is a sons Duty to stay and look after them. He does look after them and provides them what thy need just doesnt Live there and has children that come round everyday too.

What is Islam stance on a own accommodation? Please support with Quran or some sort of evidence.
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Hamza Asadullah
05-03-2011, 06:44 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
She feels it is a sons Duty to stay and look after them. He does look after them and provides them what thy need just doesnt Live there and has children that come round everyday too.

What is Islam stance on a own accommodation? Please support with Quran or some sort of evidence.
Asalaamu Alaikum, My sister i do sympathise with your position and clearly Islam does give you as a wife rights to have your own space. Also your husbands brother is not your mahram so you should not be living there with him around.

Here is the Islamic position regarding: "A Wife's Right to Housing Separate From Her In-Laws and Others"


In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,


The Shariah has given certain rights to the husband, just as it has give rights to the wife. Many times, failure to give the spouses their rights results in conflict and eventually breakdown of Marriage.

These rights, at times, may not go down to well with certain people and cultures. However, it is necessary for us to educate those Muslims who have been affected by cultural customs and traditions, and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah.
The benefit of learning and educating the masses about the rules and injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs is that each party will appreciate what the other has to offer. Subsequently, this will lead to respect, love and harmony.

For example, it is not necessary upon the wife to cook for or serve her parents in-law. Now, many people believe that it is the duty of the wife to look after not only the household affairs but all the family members including the nephew, niece, etc... If she is negligent in any way, then she is rebuked.

However, if the in-laws did not regard this as an incumbent duty of the wife, and she on her own accord took care of the household work, then this work will surely be appreciated. She will also in turn do her best to give something back in return for this appreciation.

Therefore, it is our duty that we teach the masses and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs. This may be a Jihad, and one will no doubt face much opposition from culturally oriented individuals, but the rewards by Allah will be immense Insha Allah.

Question: The Wife’s Right to an Independent ‘Shariah House’

Coming to your question, In the Hanafi school, the wife has a right to live (and demand to live) separately. It is the duty and responsibility of the husband to provide her with shelter (suknah). This shelter must, if she demands so, be free from the interference of any of the husband’s family. The responsibility of the husband will be fulfilled if the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband’s family members are able to enter.

Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:
“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”
The great Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) comments on this by saying:

“The reason behind al-Haskafi’s statement “Free from his family members” is that at times it may be harmful for her to share the house with other people, as her belongings may not be safe. Also, she will not able to enjoy her husband’s company in the presence of other people”.

Regarding al-Haskafi’s statement “Separate bathroom and kitchen”, this may defer from one family to another. Poor people who normally share these things with other families may find it difficult to provide a house with a separate bathroom and cooking area. Therefore, for them it will be sufficient to provide a separate quarter that has a lock” (Radd al-Muhtar 3/559-600).

Imam al-Kasani states in his Bada’i al-Sana’i:
“It is necessary to provide the wife with shelter as Allah Most High Says: “Let the women live in the same stile as you live, according to your means. And annoy them not, so as to restrict them” (al-Talaq, 6).
So what about the other family members?

If the husband desired her to live with his other wife or his family members, such as: his mum, sister, daughter from another wife or relatives, and she refused, then it will incumbent upon him to provide her with a separate living quarter. The reason for this is that she may be harmed in co-sharing, and her refusal is a sign of harm. Also, the spouses need to fulfill their mutual sexual needs whenever the need arises, which may be difficult with others around.

If the husband provided her with a separate quarter in a large home, which has a separate lock, then she will not have right to demand for a total separate house” (Kasani, Bada’i al-Sana’i, Vol.4, P.23).

In Conclusion

In conclusion, it is the responsibility of the husband to provide the wife with shelter. If she demands it to be separate from the husbands family, then the husband will be obliged to provide a living quarter which is free from the interference of others and that it has a separate lock. As far as the bathroom and cooking area is concerned, this should also be separate if they are not from a poor family background (as Ibn Abidin mentions in length in his super commentary), or else the responsibility will be discharged by providing the above.


And Allah knows best


Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari


Source: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.a...ID=273&CATE=87


So my sister try again to have an open discussion with your husband about this matter and emphasise to him how much this is hurting you. Maybe go for a walk to the park with him in nice and natural surroundings rather than at home and Talk to him and tell him that he needs to listen very carefully and that this matter should not be taken lightly.

Open up to him about how you feel and also tell him how much this is affecting you. Tell him that Islam has given you certain rights which he must fulfill. Re-assure him that he will always be able to see his mother and family but that you as a couple should have your own space.

If after persistantly trying to talk to him about this matter he still does not listen then you must take this to a scholar and discuss the issue with him so that he may give you advice on the matter. You may have to get this matter mediated so if you can get an elder of the family who everyone listens to and respects to mediate things between you and your husband then you should do so.

If after trying everything nothing seems to get through to him then you will have to ask the scholar what else is there left to try and he will suggest the best form of action thereafter.

Remain patient my sister and put your hopes and trust in Allah and ask of him and beg of him to help you especially in the latter parts of the night. Make this a means of you getting closer to Allah and know that whatever will come out of this will be the best for you.

If you need any help in locating a scholar or with any other matter then please do not hesitate to ask.


And Allah knows best in all matters
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جوري
05-03-2011, 06:56 PM
Masha'Allah akh Hamazah.. such an insightful post.. I find this situation most difficult and prefer not to pass advise because it would reflect my own personal feelings and I hate to point out how someone's life seems indeed like an unbearable situation .. I find it most unacceptable for everyone to live together as such .. privacy and even alone time I believe are keys to any successful relationship. When I had to stay with my family in a hotel for 5 days we were constantly at each other's throat.. I love each and everyone dearly but how can one live day in and day out moment to moment in someone's face like that?

:w:
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anonymous
05-03-2011, 08:15 PM
Oh you think that is bad?

My husband doesnt even want to be in our room if the family are around he finds it rude and wants to spend time with his family. He also goes out a lot, after masjid he spends time with some of the brothers gaining knowledge. This ofcourse is a good thing but not when he neglects me. I get to a point i get annoyed at him and his family.

I have left everything to be with this man, yet moving in the same town away from his family is a big deal to him.
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Asiyah3
05-03-2011, 08:23 PM
****edit****
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جوري
05-03-2011, 08:35 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Oh you think that is bad?

My husband doesnt even want to be in our room if the family are around he finds it rude and wants to spend time with his family. He also goes out a lot, after masjid he spends time with some of the brothers gaining knowledge. This ofcourse is a good thing but not when he neglects me. I get to a point i get annoyed at him and his family.

I have left everything to be with this man, yet moving in the same town away from his family is a big deal to him.
I am sorry.. I don't know what to say..

may Allah swt ease your affairs..

:w:
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Hamza Asadullah
05-03-2011, 10:31 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Oh you think that is bad?

My husband doesnt even want to be in our room if the family are around he finds it rude and wants to spend time with his family. He also goes out a lot, after masjid he spends time with some of the brothers gaining knowledge. This ofcourse is a good thing but not when he neglects me. I get to a point i get annoyed at him and his family.

I have left everything to be with this man, yet moving in the same town away from his family is a big deal to him.
Asalaamu alaikum, since your husband is into his deen then it should not be difficult for a proper scholar to inform him of the rights of a wife. There is no good in attacking him as he will not listen and that will not give you any good response.

That is why i mentioned in my last post to you that you need to get hold of a scholar that can talk to your husband so that he may inform him of the rights of his wife so that he becomes aware because sometimes man is either forgetful or negligent on certain matters and at times need a wake up call so this would be the best course of action for you.

Therefore if you do need help in locating a scholar then you can pm me your area and i can try and locate one for you.

You may also pass this beneficial article to him by printing it out:

Some Responsibilities of the Husband and Rights of the Wife in Islam

http://www.***********/msaec/article...es_husband.htm

May Allah make your husband aware of your rights so that he starts fulfilling them properly. Ameen
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anonymous
05-03-2011, 11:19 PM
He rather spend more time with them than me. He likes to spend time with me at night when I'm
Tired and want to sleep. I also financially help him I just feel what's the point being married? Feels like married life is so hard. Feel like I live with people I don't want to. It's like a zoo

Jzk brother hamza. The link has been hidden? Could you post link again I am interested to read.
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aadil77
05-03-2011, 11:29 PM
tell him to man up and spend some time with you, you're working out all day long - which you shouldn't have to at all as a wife - and from the sounds of it he's on his backside doing whatever he wants
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Hamza Asadullah
05-04-2011, 12:53 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
He rather spend more time with them than me. He likes to spend time with me at night when I'm
Tired and want to sleep. I also financially help him I just feel what's the point being married? Feels like married life is so hard. Feel like I live with people I don't want to. It's like a zoo

Jzk brother hamza. The link has been hidden? Could you post link again I am interested to read.
Asalaamu Alaikum, the article just gives basic rights but as i have mentioned you should certainly refer your case to an experienced scholar who would have dealt with many similar cases and would know the best course of action for you to take. Once again if you need help in locating a scholar then let me know.

Here is the article anyway:


Some Responsibilities of the Husband and Rights of the Wife in Islam

Dr. G. F. Haddad

Damascus

Q: I have frequently read what, according to Islamic teachings, a husband may or may not do in a dispute with his wife if he attributes it to disagreement with or misbehavior of his wife. I almost never read anything about the opposite situation: if the wife has a disagreement with her husband or *he* misbehaves. Things are nearly always told from the man's point of view! What are the wife's rights in the case of bad behavior of her husband?

Praise belongs to Allah the Lord of all the worlds. Blessings and Peace on the Messenger of Allah, and on his Family and all his Companions.

Allah ordered the believers to "consort with women in kindness" (4:19) and He said: "And of His signs are this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo, herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect" (30:21).

A Wife's Basic Rights Regarding Her Husband's Behavior

NOTE: This is distinct from her other rights regarding living expenditures, housing, clothing, and education of children. And from Allah comes all success.

1. The first and worthiest condition of marriage to be fulfilled by the husband is to "keep the promise or promises he made to the wife at the time he married her." This is an order of the Prophet [salla Allahu `alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, abbr. (s)] according to the hadith: "ahaqqu al-shuruti an tufu bihi ma astahlaltum bihi min al-furuj"

2. He cannot order her to do anything that is against religion. The Prophet (s) said: "No obedience is due to creatures in disobedience of the Creator" (la ta`atan li makhluqin fi ma`siyat al-khaliq).

3. He must exercise patience and be prepared to listen to her advice in every situation. The Prophet (s) listened to the advice of his wives in matters ranging from the smallest to the greatest.

4. If she invites him to wake up and perform the late night prayer, it is praiseworthy for him to do so and vice-versa. The Prophet (s) prayed for such people: "May Allah grant mercy to a man who gets up at night and prays, and wakes up his wife, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face; may Allah grant mercy to a woman who gets up at night and prays, and wakes up her husband, and if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face."

5. He must respect her and pay attention to her needs so that she will respect him and pay attention to his.

6. He must control his passions and act in a moderate manner especially in the context of sexual intercourse. Remember that Allah has placed between you and her "friendship and mercy" (mawadda wa rahma), not the gratification of your every lust; and that the Prophet (s) advised young men to marry "because it casts down the gaze and walls up the genitals," not in order to stimulate sexual passions. The husband should habitually seek refuge in Allah before approaching his wife and say: "O Allah, ward off the satan from us and ward him off from what you have bestowed upon us in the way of children" (allahumma jannibna al-shaytana wa jannibhu ma razaqtana). Allah has called each spouse a garment for the other (2:187), and the purpose of garments is decency. The Prophet (s) further said that he who marries for the sake of decency and modesty (`afaf), Allah has enjoined upon Himself to help him.

7. He must never ever divulge the secrets of the household and those of the married couple.

8. He must strive with sincerity to acquire her trust, and seek her welfare in all the actions that pertain to her.

9. He must treat her generously at all times. The Prophet (s) said that the best gift or charity (sadaqa) is that spent on one's wife.

10. If she works outside the house, it is praiseworthy for the husband to hire house help to relieve her from too heavy a burden. The wife's duties do not require her to feed her child, nor even to nurse it, nor to clean nor cook. It is the husband's duty to provide a nursemaid, food for older children, and servants to clean and cook. However, if the wife does those things out of mercy and love, it is a gift to the husband on her part.

11. He must avoid excessive jealousy and remember that Allah is also jealous that he himself not commit. The Prophet (s) said: "Do not be excessively jealous of your wife lest evil be hurled at her on your account" (la tukthir al-gheerata `ala ahlika fa turama bi al-su'i min ajlik) and he said: "Allah is jealous and the believer is jealous; and Allah's jealousy is that the believer should not go to that which Allah has forbidden for him" (inna Allaha yagharu wa al- mu'minu yagharu wa gheerat Allahi in ya'tiya al-mu'minu ma harrama `alayhi).

12. He must protect her honor and not place her in situations where it is compromised or belittled. The Prophet (s) said that Allah will not ever let him enter Paradise who cares little who shares his wife's privacy. This includes the husband's brother, uncle, and nephew, let alone non-related friends, neighbors, and complete strangers.

13. He must exercise patience and forgiveness in the case of disagreement or dispute, and not rush to divorce. The declaration of divorce is a grave matter indeed, and the Prophet (s) said: "Of permitted matters the most loathesome before Allah is divorce" (abgh`ad al-halal `ind Allah al-talaq). In another hadith he said that divorce is so grave that because of it Allah's throne is made to shake. He said: "The best intercession [i.e. intervention of a third party] is that which brings back together the husband and the wife." Womanizing -- divorce for the purpose of marrying another woman out of sexual attraction incurs Allah's curse according to the hadith: "Allah's curse is on the womanizing, divorcing man" (la`ana Allahu kulla dhawwaaqin mutallaaq). Finally, even in the midst of and after divorce, Allah has prescribed kindness upon the man: "(After pronouncing divorce) she must be retained in honor or released in kindness" (2:228).

For the above-mentioned reason (i.e. to prevent the quickness of divorce), in his time, Ibn Taymiyya gave the ijtihad (juridical opinion) by saying that three talaqs in one sitting constituted only one. He did this to interdict the prevalent custom of suddenly giving three talaqs, which in his time was on everyone's lips, (i.e. had become so commonplace as to be a habit). However the other four schools of fiqh had the opposite opinion in this matter.

14. He must not dwell on what he dislikes in his wife, but on what he likes.

15. The husband is not to stay away from his wife or keep his wife in a state of suspense, whether at home or abroad, for a protracted period of time except with her consent. Allah said: "Turn not away (from your wife) altogether, so as to leave her hanging. If you come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint, then Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Merciful" (4:129). Protracted separation (6 months or more in the Shafi`i school) without prior or subsequent arrangement with the wife, whether the husband is away willingly or unwillingly (for example due to war, imprisonment, or illness) is sufficient grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

16. The Prophet (s) said: "Do not beat your wife." He also said: "Do not strike your wife in the face." The expiation for striking one's slave in the face is to set him or her free on the spot, but what expiation is there for striking one's wife? The Prophet (s) condemned the man who beats his wife in the day and then approaches her at night. And to beat her to the extent of inflicting serious injury is enough grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

17. Caring for one's wife's sexual fulfillment is an obligation of religion. The Prophet (s) warned against rushing to gratify one's pleasure and forgetting that of one's wife. He also disliked that the husband should quickly withdraw from his wife afterwards, as it is a strain upon the wife. If she asks for intercourse, he should not refuse.

Conclusion

These are only some of the basic duties of the husband in Islam. The state of marriage is part of one's adherence to the Sunna and an exalted state of life indeed. In the words of the Prophet (s), it permits one to meet Allah "pure and cleansed" (tahiran mutahharan). One's behavior towards one's wife is the measure of the perfection of one's belief as the Prophet (s) said: "The most complete of the believers in his belief is he who perfects his manners, and the best of you in manners are those who act best towards their wives." Marriage must be approached with utmost seriousness, entered with the purest intent, and cultivated religiously as it does not come cheaply and it carries immense reward. The Prophet (s) called it "his way" (al-nikahu sunnati) and "half of religion" and he also said: "Two rak`at (prayer-cycles) of the married person are better than seventy rak`at of the unmarried." He also warned that among the greatest of responsibilities that had been placed upon men is that pertaining to the treatment of their wives.

And may Allah's blessings and peace be upon Muhammad,
his Family and all his Companions,
and praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.
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