Culture clashes

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Salahudeen

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So I had a proposal from a West Indian sister, I enquired if she knew how to cook Indian food as it's all I practically eat and would like a wife who cooks this type of food, she said she can't cook it and doesn't want to learn as she'd like her and her husband to eat food that she was brought up eating because that's what she's used to.

So we agreed it wouldn't work out cos we have different preferences. She also expected me to learn her language to communicate with her mother and father and I wasn't up to doing that.

What do you guys think? would we have been compatible? I can imagine myself getting frustrated at the lack of Indian food and learning a language I have no desire to learn.
 
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maybe her negative response to the cooking, was cos you gave the impression your looking for a cook instead of a wife ?? I dont know wat nationality you are but usually in pakistani/indian cultures the first thing they ask the girl is "can she cook " like thats the only thing that matters. Sometimes it just gets taken the wrong way by the girl. make sense ??

Can you cook what you like ? Cooking shouldnt really be a barrier to a marriage, and if one cant, then usually they can teach the other. theres got to be a bit of give and take.

I dont think it was meant to be, usually little things like this can be worked out, but if you were both unwilling to make compromise then its prob for the best. the language thing would have been easy over time, but sorry if this sounds harsh, its not meant to but it sounds like you both werent prepared to put any effort in ? maybe im wrong ?

:wa:
 
nature said:
:sl:


maybe her negative response to the cooking, was cos you gave the impression your looking for a cook instead of a wife ?? I dont know wat nationality you are but usually in pakistani/indian cultures the first thing they ask the girl is "can she cook " like thats the only thing that matters. Sometimes it just gets taken the wrong way by the girl. make sense ??

Can you cook what you like ? Cooking shouldnt really be a barrier to a marriage, and if one cant, then usually they can teach the other. theres got to be a bit of give and take.

I dont think it was meant to be, usually little things like this can be worked out, but if you were both unwilling to make compromise then its prob for the best. the language thing would have been easy over time, but sorry if this sounds harsh, its not meant to but it sounds like you both werent prepared to put any effort in ? maybe im wrong ?

:wa:
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I don't think it was that, because we exchanged other views before the issue of cooking came up. I mentioned since I'll be working all day It'd be nice if my wife handled the cooking side of things, it wasn't the first thing I asked about so I don't see how she could have got that impression but I understand what you're saying.

Unfortunately I can't cook what I like, and I doubt I'd get the time since I'd be working all day, if I was at home all day I could probably do it.

I think that's the issue we both had different preferences and didn't want to compromise on them. It's not effort, I'm just fussy, I can't live without my curries and roti. :) Also she had a problem living with mother in law.
 
Salahudeen said:
So I had a proposal from a West Indian sister, I enquired if she knew how to cook Indian food as it's all I practically eat and would like a wife who cooks this type of food, she said she can't cook it and doesn't want to learn as she'd like her and her husband to eat food that she was brought up eating because that's what she's used to. So we agreed it wouldn't work out cos we have different preferences. She also expected me to learn her language to communicate with her mother and father and I wasn't up to doing that. What do you guys think? would we have been compatible? I can imagine myself getting frustrated at the lack of Indian food and learning a language I have no desire to learn.
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Salaam Bro , i know you might not listen to what i will say due to the other thread, but i would still like to give you my opinion
I didnt know that compatability counted on Food?? that's quite funny you rejected a human being because she doesn't know how to cook the food you like?
Well did you even consider her character?
Sorry i don't want to bug into your personal world , but i thought i would like to share my thoughts
Salaam
 
May Ayob said:
Salaam Bro , i know you might not listen to what i will say due to the other thread, but i would still like to give you my opinion
I didnt know that compatability counted on Food?? that's quite funny you rejected a human being because she doesn't know how to cook the food you like?
Well did you even consider her character?
Sorry i don't want to bug into your personal world , but i thought i would like to share my thoughts
Salaam
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Well sis I thought to myself why shall I compromise when I can quite easily find a woman who has these things that I like. Her character was good but I can also find another woman with good character who can meet my preferences. It's not as if she is the only person in the world that I have to limit myself.
 
Salahudeen said:
Well sis I thought to myself why shall I compromise when I can quite easily find a woman who has these things that I like. Her character was good but I can also find another woman with good character who can meet my preferences. It's not as if she is the only person in the world that I have to limit myself
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Salaam
Well i hope you find a good that meets your preferneces
Salaam
 
Salahudeen said:
I don't think it was that, because we exchanged other views before the issue of cooking came up. I mentioned since I'll be working all day It'd be nice if my wife handled the cooking side of things, it wasn't the first thing I asked about so I don't see how she could have got that impression but I understand what you're saying.

Unfortunately I can't cook what I like, and I doubt I'd get the time since I'd be working all day, if I was at home all day I could probably do it.

I think that's the issue we both had different preferences and didn't want to compromise on them. It's not effort, I'm just fussy, I can't live without my curries and roti. :) Also she had a problem living with mother in law.
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It sounds like it was for the best then. As long as you didnt just give her up just cos of food. Good proposals are hard to come by these days, food is always an area that can be worked on, i know how important it is 2 you blokes, but theres always beans and toast, till the missus learns how to make your favourite. btw i work all day also and i still have time to cook, + i learnt years back wen i had school and mosque and then home chores, so it is possible with a job. Roti & curries is easy, seriously.

As a general note, im not getting at you btw, but most women dont wana be stuck in the kitchen, & do all that sort of stuff themselves, altho i can see what your saying if shes at home all day, but its nice if the guy helps out too on occassions.

If she wasnt happy with the living arrangments, then i reckon it was for the best.
 
Lol man, the first thing I would be asking is about her Deen/Islam etc. Cooking is the last thing i'd be worried about.
 
Perseveranze said:
Lol man, the first thing I would be asking is about her Deen/Islam etc. Cooking is the last thing i'd be worried about.
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That was the first thing bro, I don't know why you assume it wasn't. However as the conversation progressed we spoke about other stuff.
 
Assalaamu Alaaykum

You mentioned you like indian food, and that the sister is west 'indian', so like doesnt that mean she also eats indian food? or maybe im just confused.

I mean if she is good in her deen then that should be priority shouldnt it? also there is a hadeeth in regards to those married couples, where one may dislike something of their spouse and the rest i dont remember as i cant remember the references..but doesnt mean they should give up on marriage.. so we should over look this little thing and remind each other of the importance of taqwa..

so like if you do get married, and then you find out stuff you dont like about each other, im sure that does happen with everyone?! Im not sure its worth giving up on marriage either..though i may be wrong, unless its an issue that is a valid reason

I agree with sis nature, its hard recieving good proposals these days..

Allaah knows best
 
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Pєαяℓ σf Wιѕ∂σм;1447068 said:
Assalaamu Alaaykum

You mentioned you like indian food, and that the sister is west 'indian', so like doesnt that mean she also eats indian food? or maybe im just confused.

I mean if she is good in her deen then that should be priority shouldnt it? also there is a hadeeth in regards to those married couples, where one may dislike something of their spouse and the rest i dont remember as i cant remember the references..but doesnt mean they should give up on marriage.. so we should over look this little thing and remind each other of the important of taqwa..

so like if you do get married, and then you find out stuff you dont like about each other, im sure that does happen with everyone?! Im not sure its worth giving up on marriage either.. though i may be wrong

I agree with sis nature, its hard recieving good proposals these days..

Allaah knows best
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I agree she is good in her deen however I could easily find another sister who is good in her deen and has the traits that I as an individual like in a person, could I not? Is it wrong or haraam for me to want other additional stuff apart from good deen and taqwa?
 
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Salahudeen said:
I agree she is good in her deen however I could easily find another sister who is good in her deen and has the traits that I as an individual like in a person, could I not? Is it wrong for me to want other additional stuff apart from good deen and taqwa?
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Assalaamu Alaaykum

No its not wrong..its your decision to what you choose. so if a sister who has deen but does not have the traits you like, then you do not have to accept her..at the end its your choice

But it seems you know the answer to your question

khaayr insha'Allaah
 
It's sometimes hard to adapt to another persons culture. I personally would prefer staying within my own culture because it would just seem easier for me and for him..obviously deen comes first and foremost. I just believe there has to be that 'click' between two people when it comes to marriage..other things could be compromised..if you just don't feel that this sister wasn't the right one for you then don't worry..inshaAllah ...Allah will grant you both something better...

Reminds me of this quote :

"Go easy on yourself for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree, if something is meant to go elsewhere it will never come your way, but if it your by destiny from you it cannot flee" (Umar ra)
 
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Salahudeen said:
I agree she is good in her deen however I could easily find another sister who is good in her deen and has the traits that I as an individual like in a person, could I not? Is it wrong or haraam for me to want other additional stuff apart from good deen and taqwa?
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But brother Salahudeen.........

How easy is it to find a pious girl?

If you were to really find one...... the one who is:

1. Not proud....

2. Modest...

3. Thinks of the needs of others before her own... i.e. selfless

4. Minds her speech.... stays away from gossip and idle talk....

5. Has good manners..... respects all people....

6. Not demanding......

7. Not extravagant....

8. Not materialistic.....

9. Not miserly..... but generous....

10. kind....

11. always smiling.....

12. not into complaining but is satisfied with her lot......

13. obedient......

14. not afraid of hard work..... not lazy.....

15. aware of her responsibilities as a wife.....

If you were to find a jewel of a girl like this, I'm sure you wouldn't even care if she couldn't cook. Because such a girl would learn how to cook if it makes you happy. :)

Of course! Of course! Of course! You should select a girl who is pious..... but that's kind of hard... because piety is in the heart, not in appearances.
 
Dude, don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong with wanting a girl that speaks your language, can cook food you like, etc. You already said that the first thing you discussed was her faith. That should be the most important thing, I agree, but after that, you can move on to the more trivial things. You don't want to be stuck with someone you don't like just to be married, do you? You want to be happy and she wants to be happy. There's nothing wrong with finding out about her family either. After all, when you marry a woman, you marry her family too.

Of course, this is from the brother who is likely to remain single for a long time, perhaps even forever, so take that for what it's worth.
 
i am sorry if it hurts someone but my personal opinion is, the reason y there is so much difficult to find a good match is "absence of islam/ahlaaq" inside ourselves. (i am included in that). all we dont have a soft corner for other. we wish our spouse should be perfect but we never try to improve ourselves. we don't compromise for others shortcoming but we wish ppl should compromise for ours. we had made this responsibility a business.
i remember of that Suhabia RA here who agreed to marry a black person just bcz prophet PBUH had sent him. she was so cute and she intend to sacrifice her feeling just bcz of sake of happiness of Prophet PBUH. now a days we dont compromise to a small thing for the sake of allah swt...such a weak eman we have... and i am not saying only of brothers, girls are also included. no1 compromise for other. our desires had lead us to a extreme selfishness....
bro i suggest u dont fall in this idealism. but ur intention should be u should accept her with all good and bads just for the sake of allah swt. obviously choose the best that match u, but i mean even after marriage never expect she should be 100%. eg u wish she should cook best and u find such, but maybe the one good in cooking had some other habit which u dont like. what would u do then, would u divorce. plz make ur intention more correct that u should marry just for sake of allah swt to mutual improvement while helping each other.
allah swt help u in this matter, my prayers are with u insh.
 
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