Parents DON'T understand!

[Beardo]

So basically, we opened a youth group where I live, Alhamdulillah. The lectures will be recorded, and I thought I'd get some feedback from you guys, too.

This'll be our 2nd meeting, and the topic is, "My parents just DON'T understand!!"

Do you guys have any questions related to that subject to pose to the scholar? :)

[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaamu Alaikum, its a good idea to open youth groups for Muslim youth. Youth need a lot of support and guidance otherwise they can easily be mislead.

I think it would be good to gain an insight into how to deal with a few questions regarding parents we get asked in the advice section:

1. How to deal with abusive parents. For example an abusive father who beats for the smallest of things and is unjust etc.

2. Also how to gain love from a parent/s who does not show any love.

Jazakallahu khayr

[Who Am I?]

Not only youth, but some of us oldies struggle with our parents too. Like me. Everyone here knows about my dilemma on how to tell my parents about accepting Islam. It's hard enough for me, but imagine if I was a teenager going through this and still living with my parents, how much harder that would be.

So my question would be how to deal with non-Muslim parents?

[Starrynight]

This is a great topic for youth.
Perhaps how to deal with very strict parents who do not trust their teenagers to make the right choice.

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[Just_A_Girl13]

Perhaps how to deal with very strict parents who do not trust their teenagers to make the right choice.

Ah, yes, I was about to suggest that. I think all of the topics that have been suggested so far are good choices.

[SFatima]

My limited observation is that you cant change the way your parents behave towards you, unless ALlah swt guides them, and uptill then, you have to be really kind to them, and not argue with them, and if arguing is inevitable, one must not speak about matters that create an argument..And one must keep on praying for them, and if you're being nice to them, why would they be mean to you for so long, they'll come around soon InshAllah they are your parents after all...

As for the brother who is wondering about his parent's reaction at his acceptance of Islam, has his parents ever shown bias towards muslims, or their hatred towards Islam?...If that is the case, then one can casually discuss the deleterious effects of abandonment by parents when the kids want to choose another faith, even when the new faith seems to have a good effect on that person... there are countless convert stories like that, and one can learn a lot from them and quote one of them to their parents( before announcing their own conversion, i know cheesy but true! :D )where the parents eventually came around accepting the change in faith of their child, they almost always do InshAllah..I'll share some links when i can IA.

[SFatima]

Also I have heard from many scholars that one must prepare the ground whenever there is some big news to be shared with anyone ( esp in emotional matters where the recipient is bound to get hurt), if circumstances can wait, and if it seems feasible to wait ,prepare other people for any big shocking news..

And In the case of christians, you can causally just talk about the grave similarities of ISlam and christianity at first in a way, which sounds as if you're also astounded at such a discovery .. since there are so many common grounds that we share and most christians don't even know that and consider the muslims as anti-christ and what not, which is so not true.. So I think that one can try to erase some misconceptions atleast at first.. You can google the similarities between christianity and ISlam, Abdul Raheem green was a Roman catholic and he has some nice things to say about these things too, you can google or youtube him...

[Who Am I?]

Sister Fatima, I was the one who mentioned my parents and their reaction to my accepting Islam. My parents (well, my mom anyway) have showne their fear and hatred of Islam on multiple occasions. Dad will probably be OK with it. He's more like me in that he tends to be open-minded about such things.

At least I am an adult and have my own house now, so if they cut me off, I'm already on my own. But if I was a teenager still living at home, imagine how much harder that would be. I really want to become a better man first and then show them that I am a better man so that they will be more accepting of my decision.

[SFatima]

Oh definitely InshAllah, it all happens slowly with time..But you also know that such is the awesomeness of Allah swt's guidance that sometimes some of the most staunchest enemies of Islam have reverted to it, so you never know. I would like to know one thing though, would your parents be bound by their belief to cut you off, or if, god forbid they decide to cut you off, it will be just their personal decision? I doubt though that they'll be able to cut you off for long, since you'll be a really nice kid from now on for sometime, and buy them their favorite stuff or etc :D and they're bound to notice the change in you, who knows they ask you themselves what inspired you..you can just say you're inspired by Islam, and it surprises yourself too... hehe.. Dont take it too seriously, you can think of a thousand ways to go about it, May Allah swt help you choose the best one...but in any worse case scenario, you can ask for their support before you declare your conversion... something like, that you will really appreciate it and it would mean a lot to you if they just didn't show any angst against what's new going on in your life and it would really help you if they tried to understand it, and the fact that your change of faith will not have you take you far from your parents and you will be taking care of them whenever required. ( i guess thats not done much in a western society but in Islam its kids who are supposed to take care of parents, not old homes, anyhow thats a different topic).

But I agree very much with your thinking that first you have to settle in well a bit in islam before you make that declaration to them, you must be prepared for opposition and questions, as well as you must have developed some strength by that time which will ease up your anxiousness InshAllah, dont worry at all. For Allah swt says in the Quran that those who believe in the One God and the day of judgment will not be depressed nor shall they find any grieve in here and the here after. Ignore your whims of darkness/sadness as tricks of satan, he gets really happy when we get depressed and hopeless from the Creator, that is his main goal.

Say Allahu-Akbar loud when you get any sad thoughts, and also the first kalima , satan runs far from it. Best to you Ameen


p.s i can tell you more zikrs ( words, verses) later, which when said before a conversation, not only help you say things in the best manner, they also affect the hearts of the listeners and help avoid arguments or rudeness.

[Just_A_Girl13]

Masha'Allah, Sister Fatima, you are very wise :)

Peace be with you

[SFatima]

ahh not at all sister, you're too kind :)

[Who Am I?]

Today has been a tough day. Shaytan has been in my face all day about giving up my Islam and going back to the way I was. But I can't do that now. Not after what I've been through to get here.

Sister Fatima's post has inspired me to stay on the straight path.

[Beardo]

^ Masha-Allah! :D Jazakallahu Khair, SFatima! :)

So you guys have 6 hours to ask whatever questions in regards to the topic of "parents." That's when the event starts, so ask away! :)

[May Ayob]

Salaam
I think that bringing up topics like I don;t really know how to explain but like if Muslim Parents treated their children as human beings in first place then as mulsims would be agood thing like:
-Too much expectations to be the perfect Muslim.
-Too much expectation of education and bringing high grades.
-Too much expectation in regards with behavior
Esp. in the West sometimes it's hard for the children to act like angels that never have things like misconceptions and doubts and things like that if frankness was there it would be much better.
Also treating the children like a friend and giving them some respect so that they can have better self-esteem and confidence.
Giving them some independance and showing them that you trust them.
Also treating the children with Justice and Eqaulity and not making preferances when one does something bad the Father or mother goes like: I knew lets say Bilal was better than you, If Bilal was here he wouldn't have done what you did today"
Also not calling them names or making fun of them...
That's all i can think of right now..
I hope it is acceptable regarding the Topic
Salaam

[SFatima]

hmmm, i want to know if children must remain quite if there is fear of fitna, and one of the parent ( lets say someone's father) is a bit abusive and publicly shouts, de-means a woman without any reason, esp her wife, so can any other person present there can say anything? and what? what is the most effective way to discourage this habit, and yet not cause offense. because no-one else dares to, none of the elders dare interfere, and i think one of the kids can, if encouraged. I'll try to shorten this question,

Is it fair for children to remain quite, if their mother is being verbally/emotionally abused every other day for the longest time, and she doesn't have any guts to speak up for herself, neither do any of her relatives? the man in question prays regularly but habitually very aggressive and short tempered, has daughters only, how to stop him?

[May Ayob]

Is it fair for children to remain quite, if their mother is being verbally/emotionally abused every other day for the longest time, and she doesn't have any guts to speak up for herself, neither do any of her relatives? the man in question prays regularly but habitually very aggressive and short tempered, has daughters only, how to stop him?

Salam SisterFatima
I think that if the children spoke against it , it would make the situation worse and make the father even more abusive.
I think it is better to get some one who is close to the father like his mother .. or some one like that to discuss this with him.
Meditation would be good as well, If other solutions didn;t work out then there should be a divorce because the father is ruining the image of the Mother which is the most sacred indiviual in the family , If someone is not taught to respect their Mother then they wouldn't be expected to show respect to any other person.

I think that Patience will also be another good option as well
I hope this helps

Salaam

[flowergarden]

Salaam Wa Alakuim,
The only thing I would say parents don't understand and how to talk to them about it education. I have switch from medicine to law school and I am about to start law school... what they don't understand is if you graduate later they get disappointed no matter how hard you try to catch up after the switch.

I also feel sometimes like I am not smart enough... as they always praise another girl saying she will be a smart lawyer, yet I have yet to hear that about myself- and it hurts, and I don't think they understand that it does. SO I never bring it up

Kazak ALlah kahir.

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Beardo,

A marriage is an imperfect man, marrying an imperfect woman, and having imperfect children, it seems a recipe for chaos.

If parents are abusive, were they also abused themselves? If we have abusive, pushy parents how do we live with these things, but more importantly how do we grow up and not copy these faults ourselves?

Don’t forget, your parents were imperfect kids, just like you, and if you become parents, do you expect to be perfect somehow?

Young people always have so much energy, sometimes talking on its own is not enough, how can I help in the community, what practical things can I do?

In all things we strive to put God first,

In the spirit of praying for families.

Eric

[SFatima]

:sl:

beardo, we never got to listen to the answers to our questions.. did the talk get recorded?

[Hamza Asadullah]

Yes I was wondering that to.