Would You marry a muslimah such as.....

[flowergarden]

Salaam Wa alikium:

I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday. imsad.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. <br><br>To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. <br><br>Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?

[FS123]

I can't make it personal, but there shouldn't be any issue. Allah forgives and removes the sin then man is nothing. A man should see the future not the past. That's my opinion.

Regards,

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum sister,

Yes of course If I am a man and you are peaceful and kind, generous and you fear Allah, absolutely no DOUBT i would marry you!

You shouldnt explain further to the man, perhaps reveal him that you are not virgin anymore so he wont expect, if he is outrageous then stay away from him, a man who would really love you will not judge you for your past.

and inshallah from now on, you will be stronger. Amen

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Wa Alaaykum As'Salaam

Sins are not be exposed, so you wouldnt have any need to go ahead and tell him about so and so. Ask Allaah to hide your sins for you and put your trust in him.

A good muslim would forgive and forget if he knew, the past is past and present is present. The past is never coming back, we are to move on and ask Allaah for forgiveness for all the wrong actions, if we tell others our bad deeds, it will make you feel sad, guilty, hurt and Allaah SWT doesnt want that, he wants you to keep them hidden.

And know that we are human and we are weak, when we sin we will naturally feel sad, regretful and so we will repent. We are not perfect, nobody is. We must strive to please Allaah insha'Allaah.

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me?

So,there is no need of him knowing. but if he did he will have to look at you now and not how you were back then, he cant not accept you because you did something and now when you have sincerely repented, its more worth accepting a person when they repent rather than what they were like before and not repent.

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[ardianto]

:sl:

Sister, can you accept man's past ?

Usually men can accept their life-partner's past. So, as long as you can accept your spouse's past he can accept your past too.

But let me give you an advice. When you have find your spouse, you don't need to reveal your past relationship except when he asks you about it. If he looks jealous, it's a normal reaction. But don't worry, it's just for a moment.

[Salahudeen]

I don't see why not, the past is the past, if you were still like that then he would probably be put off but since you changed and are a good person now I don't see why he would be put off.

We've all done things we regret, and wish we hadn't done them, but we just have to live with them and ask Allah to cover them up for us and remove them from our book of deeds so we don't bear the shame of what we done on day of judgement.

I don't think you should tell him though just incase because some me let it affect them, they can't take it that their wife has been with other men etc even though it was in the past when she was ignorant it still affects them so I don't think you should tell him unless you have to??

[Perseveranze]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

For me, how practicing they are in the deen, how enthusiastic they are to learn, are the most important thing for marraige. The past is the past, what matters is the present.

However, I will say that, if you were to reveal your past, it would (as a natural reaction) create doubt (even amongst the most pious of men). The rape part is nothing, what would be bothersome is the part where you said you have been involved with other men, sort of like dating (forgive me if I'm misunderstood). In such a case, the man may fear that you could leave him at any point for another man. For now, it would just be a doubt, how the person handles it, just depends on the person.

For this reason, I would advise you not to reveal your past, as it certainly is not necassary. And it's not like your being dishonest, everyone has a past, which is their own business.

['Abd-al Latif]

Salaam Wa alikium:

I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday. imsad.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. <br><br>To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. <br><br>Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?

:salamext:

I have no doubt of a righteous man accepting you for who you are, even after hearing all of this. Nor do I have any doubt that you'll find happiness, with the permission of Allah, with a loving family with whom you'll spend the rest of your life with.

But this is upon the condition that you are sincere and true to Allah. You should manifest your repentance through actions, through your character. You should strive hard to rid yourself of any traits that you may have picked up from your past. You should be firm in the belief that Allah will never break your heart, have firm faith that He will heal you from your past and a promise of a bright future. While on the other hard you should not allow your past experiences to determine the person who you are now. Don't allow your insecurities to let you betray others, to be coarse in your manners or to be crude in your speech as you may have once faced in the hands others yourself, nor allow yourself to think that a righteous Muslim male will treat you as the men in your past have.

If you show sincerity towards Allah and a sincere change within yourself, Allah will bless you in your efforts and will give you what your heart desires the most.

[flowergarden]

Wa Alaikum Asalaam,
Dear sister I think you for your time...

I just want to clarify I am still a virgin, I don't want to go into details with my sins, but I did not lose my virginity.... But your response is nice and I appreciate it sister. Thank you

Salam Alaikkum sister,

Yes of course If I am a man and you are peaceful and kind, generous and you fear Allah, absolutely no DOUBT i would marry you!

You shouldnt explain further to the man, perhaps reveal him that you are not virgin anymore so he wont expect, if he is outrageous then stay away from him, a man who would really love you will not judge you for your past.

and inshallah from now on, you will be stronger. Amen

[flowergarden]

Salaam,
Jazak Allah Khair for you reply! It helps me. I just fear because on the internet it say that a person who commits such act will only marry such one... I know I made mistakes, I am just so scared that I will go to hell, or that Allah won't forgive me. I get comfort when I remember "Abu Sa'id and abu Huraira reported that they heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: Never a believer is stricken with discomfort, hardship or illness, grief or even with mental worry that his sins are not expiated for him. (Muslim - Book 032, Hadith Number 6242)." But I am scared for when I want to marry, I am scare he will leave and I will never be forgiven or never happy with the man I want to be married to

[Riana17]

Wa Alaikum Asalaam,
Dear sister I think you for your time...

I just want to clarify I am still a virgin, I don't want to go into details with my sins, but I did not lose my virginity.... But your response is nice and I appreciate it sister. Thank you

Wa Alaikkum Salam Sister
Oh I am so sorry to jump into conclusion, it sounded to us like that, really sorry, please accept my apology
So khallas if the situation is like that, then you have nothing to fear, ill tell you what, I think you will get a husband who is equivalent or in line with your qualities, meaning he is also kind, patient and someone who fears Allah inshallah. Amen

[flowergarden]

My dear sister, Your so generous! I don't know you but I can see what a pure hear you have!
Jazak Allah Khair for your advice. And it is okay for the misunderstanding, I wrote it fast and should have clarified it better. :) Thank you dearly for all your time and help!

[Ali Mujahidin]

:sl:

Would I marry a Muslimah like the OP?

Yes, yes and yes!

Why, why and why?

Because, for me, virgins are a discomfort in the nether regions.
Because, I have not read anywhere in the Holy Quran or the Sahih Ahadeeth, that marrying a virgin will improve my chances of going to Jannah.
Because, I am looking for a wife and this is the most important reason. If I am not looking for a wife, it would not make any difference if the OP is a triple-rated, fully-accredited AAA virgin with a ten billion dollar inheritance.

Did the OP say anything about being willing to marry a poor old man like me?

[flowergarden]

Salaam wa Alaikum,
Thank you brother for your kind words... Once again I thank you for your time, but to clarify I am still a virgin eg hymen intact, I sinned in other way which I decide not to go into details.

That made me smile brother. Thank you for your kindness, and you help!

:sl:

Would I marry a Muslimah like the OP?

Yes, yes and yes!

Why, why and why?

Because, for me, virgins are a discomfort in the nether regions.
Because, I have not read anywhere in the Holy Quran or the Sahih Ahadeeth, that marrying a virgin will improve my chances of going to Jannah.
Because, I am looking for a wife and this is the most important reason. If I am not looking for a wife, it would not make any difference if the OP is a triple-rated, fully-accredited AAA virgin with a ten billion dollar inheritance.

Did the OP say anything about being willing to marry a poor old man like me?

Would I marry a Muslimah like the OP?

Yes, yes and yes!

Why, why and why?

Because, for me, virgins are a discomfort in the nether regions.
Because, I have not read anywhere in the Holy Quran or the Sahih Ahadeeth, that marrying a virgin will improve my chances of going to Jannah.
Because, I am looking for a wife and this is the most important reason. If I am not looking for a wife, it would not make any difference if the OP is a triple-rated, fully-accredited AAA virgin with a ten billion dollar inheritance.

Did the OP say anything about being willing to marry a poor old man like me?

[Ali Mujahidin]

to clarify I am still a virgin eg hymen intact

:sl:

Doesn't matter to me whether you are a technical virgin or a theoretical virgin or a pompous holier-than-thou virgin. Myself, I have had my share of virgins and, truth be told, having sexual intercourse with a virgin is nothing to write home about. Did I mention that I am not much into bragging rights either?

The important thing is to put your heart and mind and soul into developing a strong and healthy relationship with your spouse after the marriage. Seriously, if a man is fixated on a thin piece of flimsy membrane in your nether regions, then I think he should pay a visit to a neurologist to double check that he has any brain cells still working at all.

WaLLahu aklam.

[flowergarden]

Yes I understand. But sometime people take someone's past so seriously and that is what I have been feeling bad about even though I am repenting. Its not only about having a husband, Inshallah when Allah wills it it will be. But It is about gaining forgiveness and having a happy life without thinking am I bad? or thinking no man wil want me anymore. You know!
Jazakallah Khair.

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

Sister, here's how I look at it.

Your past is your past. I don't need to know what you did before you met me, and I wouldn't ask. I too have done some things in my past that I'm not proud of. But it doesn't matter now because the past is the past. You have asked for forgiveness and so you are forgiven.

It's not like you're doing any of these things now, right? So don't worry about it. There are those of us brothers out there that don't care about such things.

[flowergarden]

Salaam brother,
Jazak Allah Khair. Inshallah I hope it remains this way. I just care much about a man who is planning on asking for my hand and of course he is a great muslim and had a relationsip before but sometimes I feel he deserves better than me, even thou I would never hurt or harm him... I would take care od my husband. I am just praying it is who I believe it will be. I fear Allah and my actions that is it.

Allah bless all of you for helping me! :statisfie

Sister, here's how I look at it.

Your past is your past. I don't need to know what you did before you met me, and I wouldn't ask. I too have done some things in my past that I'm not proud of. But it doesn't matter now because the past is the past. You have asked for forgiveness and so you are forgiven.

It's not like you're doing any of these things now, right? So don't worry about it. There are those of us brothers out there that don't care about such things.

[flowergarden]

No brother, I have been repenting since 2009. Alhamdullah it was my way of seeing the light and truth, as I wasn't religious at those times

It's not like you're doing any of these things now, right?

[Jalal~]

:sl:

Sister, here's how I look at it.

Your past is your past. I don't need to know what you did before you met me, and I wouldn't ask. I too have done some things in my past that I'm not proud of. But it doesn't matter now because the past is the past. You have asked for forgiveness and so you are forgiven.

It's not like you're doing any of these things now, right? So don't worry about it. There are those of us brothers out there that don't care about such things.

right on man; I'd rather marry someone who has made mistakes in the past and has repented from them, instead of someone who has never made any mistakes in their life, because as we all know, no one is perfect. Sister flowergarden, just keep your faith up and don't lose hope in Allah.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam Wa alikium:

I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday. imsad.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. <br><br>To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. <br><br>Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. My sister it is clear that you went through a lot of difficult times in the past and alhamdulillah you got through them. Regarding the relationships you have had then it is also cleat that you are very remorseful for your past sins and that you have repented sincerely to Allah asking of him to forgive you.

Almighty Allah says in the Qur'an:

"Do not despair of God's mercy; He will forgive you of all your sins".Qur'an (39:53).

In another verse, Allah says:

"And He wishes to forgive you" Qur'an (4:146).

So you should have hope that Allah will expept your repentance for he loves to forgive and he loves when his slaves turn to him in humility, meekness and humble to their lord in sincere repentance.

You must forget the past now and and take lessons from it. You do not need to mention anything to him about your past. Your past is between you and Allah. Learn from your errors so that you can do things better now and in the future. There is no reason why any man would not want to marry a women who is towards the deen regardless of her past. The past is history and we all make mistakes.

This is the blessed month of Ramadan and Know that Allah is wanting you to be close to him so will you not take a small step towards Allah that he may take a huge step towards you? Desire to be closer to Allah and to do EVERYTHING to please him. Continue to repent for what you have done and ask of Allah to help you through this hard time. Always share how you feel with Allah for your heart will feel MUCH better in doing so. Strive to be closer to Allah in established all of your fard obligations to him.

Also do much nafils and recite the Qur'an along with its meanings to understand what Allah is telling us in the Qur'an. Learn as much about Islam as possible and most of all ALWAYS busy yourself with the remembrance of Allah in glorifying and praising him as well as pondering and contemplating over his creations. The more you remember Allah the quicker your heart will heal!

Join a local sisters Islamic circle and involve yourself with Islamic events, activities and be with good and pious sisters. Serve your parents as much as possible for they ONLY want the best for you and serving ones parents is of the BEST of ALL deeds. NEVER even raise your voice to your parents for they have been given the highest status by Allah, The way we treat our parents is how our parents will treat us. Therefore treat your parents the best and if shaythan tries to create enmity in your heart that seek refuge with Allah for shaythan is your eternal enemy and only wants you to be destroyed. He wants you to waste your time and life over the past and does NOT want you to move on. He wants to prevent you from progressing in life and in your deen. He does not want you to go towards Allah so will you not reject your sworn enemy?

Therefore my sister let now be the start of a whole new chapter in your life where you can progress and move forward gradually. There is no time to waste my sister and there will be times where you will find it hard but with Allah you will find peace and contentment but with shaythan all you will find is misery and discontent. Therefore if you want to get healed then go towards Allah and strive to please him and make him the happiest. Ask of him to help you through this and in every aspect of your life. Repent to him always and ask of him to heal your heart. If you put your FULL faith, trust, reliance and hopes in Allah then you will find this is enough for you and your heart will heal and be replaced with the love for Allah and his messenger.

So make the best of each precious second in this most blessed month to get closer to Allah because he wants you closer to him. Subhaanallah! He is giving you this opportunity to be closer to him so will you not take it? Will you not grab this opportunity? So trust in him and put your FULL reliance in him. Know that he listens to your prayers and is closer to you than your jugular vein.

The past is the past so do NOT let a mistake from your past affect you now and in the future. Strive to be as close to Allah as possible and put ALL of your faith and trust in him. If he is your protector then nothing can ever harm you.

So from now on ALWAYS go about looking for a marriage partner in the right manner. That means through your wali. As soon as a guy dos not want to go about marriage in the permissable manner then know that he is not right for you. Surely if we go about marriage in the right manner then Allah will give us peace and blessings in our marriage pursuit and in our marriage because he will be happy that his servants were obedient to him. So you must not be in contact with any non mahram male without the presence of your wali. So if you like this guy then he must go through your wali and then you should take things from thee only ever contacting each other through your wali. If you go about things in the right manner then surely you will have peace and blessings in your pursuit for marriage.

So let us spend each precious remaining second in this blessed month worship, asking and begging of Allah for forgiveness and his mercy. Striving to get closer to him through worship and prayer. Our hearts are softened in this precious month so what better chance for us to purify our hearts further and soften it with his remembrance.

This is our chance to put the fear of Allah into our hearts and to live our lives ONLY to please Allah and invest in the hereafter which is our final destination. How long are we in this world? VERY short while. How long is the hereafter? FOREVER! Therefore we should spend as much of our little time as possible investing into the hereafter by doing everything possible to please Allah and refraining from anything which angers or displeases him.


The following are all threads that will help us to maximise each precious second of Ramadan:



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3. 10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith) this Ramadhan


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4. 10 steps to getting closer to Allah this Ramadan


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5. VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday this Ramadan!


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6. 9 things a Women on Menses can do in Ramadan


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7. How productive was your day today in Ramadan?


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8. Immense Rewards for Reciting the Qur'an in Ramadan


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9. 15 Easy Good deeds to do throughout Ramadan!


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10. 40 Quick, Easy & Rewarding Good Deeds to do Everyday in Ramadhan!


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11. Ramadan is not just for one month it is for everyday of our lives!


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12. Do we have "Double intentions" this Ramadan?


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13. 10 Steps to Maximising the Last Ten Days of Ramadan


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14. 5 things to do on Laylatul Qadr


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If you need anymore help with anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask. Please mention me in your dua's.

May Allah enable us to make the best of the most beautiful and blessed month of Ramadan and i pray that Allah heals your heart and makes you of his close servants. I pray he finds you the best partner that will lead you towards success in this life and the next and i pray he helps you through this and every aspect of your life. Please also remember me in your dua's.

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next. Ameen

[Riana17]

My dear sister, Your so generous! I don't know you but I can see what a pure hear you have!
Jazak Allah Khair for your advice. And it is okay for the misunderstanding, I wrote it fast and should have clarified it better. :) Thank you dearly for all your time and help!

Salam alaikkum
Thank you for your kind words, I told you something about me in 'reputation' (i think you can go to settings & you will see your bro and cute sisters msgs to you :D) Meaning I was once worse than you on times I was not Muslim, but my husband really fight for me and i think he prayed too hard to have me as his wife (confident?), yes because he always say I may be lack of looks but he is contented with me :D Yeah right, I dont even cook lol
;D
And lastly, dont be too hard on yourself, Allah looks at our hearts, you are humble and honest too, let's move on and pls stick in this site, truly I like it here... not too crowded but full of good Muslims, Subhanallah

what a lucky husband you will get because Allah will give more than what you deserve, inshallah..Amen

[Ali Mujahidin]

I dont even cook

:sl:

Off-topic:

I was taught that in Islam it is not mandatory for wives to cook for their husbands.:D

[YusufNoor]

:sl:

my own personal opinion is that the "rape" issue may have led to post traumatic stress syndrome or some form of depression. you MAY need to think about this, it may have been what led you to be "manipulated" by the next man. this is a very valid cause for YOUR concern and it may have an effect on future intimacy issues. if so, reveal it. don't marry anyone who doesn't understand. the latter one [which AGAIN may be as a result of the rape, if not then it it between you and Allah] you have repented, it is no-ones business unless you choose to reveal it. you are no longer an "adulterer," thus those Ayats don't refer to you.

your thinking that your suitor "deserves better than you" may be low self esteem because of the first and second issues. if so, get help. if not, hold your head up high. you are are Muslimah and you DESERVE a good Muslim husband. as such, make sure someone acting as your Wali investigates his brother to insure the HE is good enough for YOU! don't get into a trap thinking that you are unworthy so that you'll marry someone just because he asked. check his deen out first.

everyday of your life is an opportunity for Allah to provide you with happiness. even if one thing doesn't work out, there are still more days. and if it does work out, Alhumdulillah! but it is Allah who joins hearts, put your faith in Him.

my wife has a plethora of issues, but i wouldn't EVER think of leaving her. she is precious beyond measure and after being born and then finding Islam, she is the greatest gift Allah has ever given me. she has many "dark days" and they can torture her soul, but despite this she is a remarkable helpmate. i had to call my son today because his mom[an ex from 30 years ago] was being operated on for cancer. she stopped me and made go through everything that i might say to him and how it might effect him. her advise was brilliant and it helped me to keep my son's spirits very high after he told me he had been verbally accosted by his mom.

NEVER sell yourself short.

May Allah help you find all of the happiness that you desire.

:wa:

Yusuf

[Riana17]

:sl:

Off-topic:

I was taught that in Islam it is not mandatory for wives to cook for their husbands.:D

SALAM ALAIKKUM
PEOPLE asks me what do I prepare for my husband for dinner etc, I said when I was single 'I wasnt cooking for myself, why would I cook now? Isnt it one of the reason why I marry is for my husband to arrange my food on daily basis?' lol
:D
I do wish to cook for him but I am not gifted, but bear in mind, whatever i cook (hmm once a month?), my husband would finished them, yay!

[flowergarden]

right on man; I'd rather marry someone who has made mistakes in the past and has repented from them, instead of someone who has never made any mistakes in their life, because as we all know, no one is perfect. Sister flowergarden, just keep your faith up and don't lose hope in Allah.

Jazak Allah Khair brother! Thank you for your encouragement and help! Allah bless you!

[flowergarden]

right on man; I'd rather marry someone who has made mistakes in the past and has repented from them, instead of someone who has never made any mistakes in their life, because as we all know, no one is perfect. Sister flowergarden, just keep your faith up and don't lose hope in Allah.

<br><br>Jazak Allah Khair brother! Thank you for your encouragement and help! Allah bless you!

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. My sister it is clear that you went through a lot of difficult times in the past and alhamdulillah you got through them. Regarding the relationships you have had then it is also cleat that you are very remorseful for your past sins and that you have repented sincerely to Allah asking of him to forgive you.

All of your advice helped me. You're right about prsuiting a marriage, as I wasn't as religious before I didn't learn what was right and wrong... and fell. But ALhamdullah I learned, and have grown closer to Islam and Allah, and this board is helping me.

Brother Hamza, I have one question. I now and seeing the past is the past and I shouldn't allow it to determine the future, but what if the man ask about my past? What do I say?

Jakzak ALlah Khair for everything, thank you! I will keep your advice close to my heart!


Wa Alaikum Assalaam Brother Hamza. Jazak Allah Khair for all your time and help with my issues and concerns. It truly means a lot to me, especially knowing I don't have many people to talk to.

[flowergarden]

Salam alaikkum
Thank you for your kind words, I told you something about me in 'reputation' (i think you can go to settings & you will see your bro and cute sisters msgs to you ) Meaning I was once worse than you on times I was not Muslim, but my husband really fight for me and i think he prayed too hard to have me as his wife (confident?), yes because he always say I may be lack of looks but he is contented with me Yeah right, I dont even cook lol

And lastly, dont be too hard on yourself, Allah looks at our hearts, you are humble and honest too, let's move on and pls stick in this site, truly I like it here... not too crowded but full of good Muslims, Subhanallah

what a lucky husband you will get because Allah will give more than what you deserve, inshallah..Amen

My dear sister Riana, You are so kind and helpful and your husband, MashAllah is very blessed to have you as a wife! Insh'Allah you are always happy, healthy and have a blessed marriage always! You're right, I am hard on myself at time, it is just hard not to be. Sometimes when I hear men talk about what they want in a wife, it is always about a girl not having a past with mistake, I feel like a bad person. I just wasn't on the right path before... Alhamdullah I am now.. So I just get to be hard on myself.
Jazak Allah Khair for your kind word and your encouragement. I appreciate you and your help. Allah bless you and everyone helping me.

[Scimitar]

Masha-Allah sister.

Just as every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. Allah is the most forgiving, and if you have repented - then ask him to hide your sins from others.

With regard to your future husband, I speak from experience when I say "don't go into any details" he will probably despise you for it. And anyway, why make your past a burden for him? Always talk about the future and put the past down to experience you've no memory of, for nothing really happened - right?

In response to your question, I'd marry you - no problem, but I am engaged LOL so it's easy for me to say...

...but know this, I am planning to marry a divorcee who has a child, and I have never been married before... good men do exist. Insha-Allah it will work out for you.

Scimitar

[flowergarden]

my own personal opinion is that the "rape" issue may have led to post traumatic stress syndrome or some form of depression. you MAY need to think about this, it may have been what led you to be "manipulated" by the next man. this is a very valid cause for YOUR concern and it may have an effect on future intimacy issues. if so, reveal it. don't marry anyone who doesn't understand. the latter one [which AGAIN may be as a result of the rape, if not then it it between you and Allah] you have repented, it is no-ones business unless you choose to reveal it. you are no longer an "adulterer," thus those Ayats don't refer to you.

your thinking that your suitor "deserves better than you" may be low self esteem because of the first and second issues. if so, get help. if not, hold your head up high. you are are Muslimah and you DESERVE a good Muslim husband. as such, make sure someone acting as your Wali investigates his brother to insure the HE is good enough for YOU! don't get into a trap thinking that you are unworthy so that you'll marry someone just because he asked. check his deen out first.

everyday of your life is an opportunity for Allah to provide you with happiness. even if one thing doesn't work out, there are still more days. and if it does work out, Alhumdulillah! but it is Allah who joins hearts, put your faith in Him.

my wife has a plethora of issues, but i wouldn't EVER think of leaving her. she is precious beyond measure and after being born and then finding Islam, she is the greatest gift Allah has ever given me. she has many "dark days" and they can torture her soul, but despite this she is a remarkable helpmate. i had to call my son today because his mom[an ex from 30 years ago] was being operated on for cancer. she stopped me and made go through everything that i might say to him and how it might effect him. her advise was brilliant and it helped me to keep my son's spirits very high after he told me he had been verbally accosted by his mom.

NEVER sell yourself short.

May Allah help you find all of the happiness that you desire.



Yusuf

Salaam Alaikum Brother Yusuf,
Allah bless you. Your words really touched my heart and helped me so very much. I never had anyone sit down with me and talk to me to tell me anything close to what you have said. And it really means a lot to me. I want to print this out and keep in close to me always, so when I feel sad I will read it. I keep reading it over and over again, and everything you say is wow. It truly hit my heart and I can not thank you enough to take the time to really sit and write to me.
Allah bless you. Jazak Allah Khair for everything. truly!
May Allah always keep you safe, happy and healthy... may Allah alwyas protect your family ya rabb... Ameen inshAllah

[Hamza Asadullah]

<br><br>Jazak Allah Khair brother! Thank you for your encouragement and help! Allah bless you!


All of your advice helped me. You're right about prsuiting a marriage, as I wasn't as religious before I didn't learn what was right and wrong... and fell. But ALhamdullah I learned, and have grown closer to Islam and Allah, and this board is helping me.

Brother Hamza, I have one question. I now and seeing the past is the past and I shouldn't allow it to determine the future, but what if the man ask about my past? What do I say?

Jakzak ALlah Khair for everything, thank you! I will keep your advice close to my heart!


Wa Alaikum Assalaam Brother Hamza. Jazak Allah Khair for all your time and help with my issues and concerns. It truly means a lot to me, especially knowing I don't have many people to talk to.

Asalaamu Alaikum, My sister you have already confirmed that you remain a virgin therefore you do not need to tell him anything at all. You have also confirmed that he has also had a previous relationship so you are both in the same position having previous relationships.

So there is nothing to worry about sister and there is no need to tell him anything. Just go about marriage in the right manner in the way that pleases Allah and you will not get hurt again because you rely upon him and you accept his decree. Know that if you do end up marrying him then it was best for you but if you do not then Allah has someone better in store for you.

May Allah do what is best for you. Ameen

[SFatima]

<br><br>Jazak Allah Khair brother! Thank you for your encouragement and help! Allah bless you!


All of your advice helped me. You're right about prsuiting a marriage, as I wasn't as religious before I didn't learn what was right and wrong... and fell. But ALhamdullah I learned, and have grown closer to Islam and Allah, and this board is helping me.

Brother Hamza, I have one question. I now and seeing the past is the past and I shouldn't allow it to determine the future, but what if the man ask about my past? What do I say?

Jakzak ALlah Khair for everything, thank you! I will keep your advice close to my heart!


Wa Alaikum Assalaam Brother Hamza. Jazak Allah Khair for all your time and help with my issues and concerns. It truly means a lot to me, especially knowing I don't have many people to talk to.

:sl:
sister, peace and blessings be with you. I have read your story and a lot of good advices have been given , though I'll share something with you.

Regarding your question, It is recommended by Scholars to never reveal your past mistakes to anyone, let alone your spouse. I understand that for help and support you have shared yours here, but let me assure you that islam does NOT require you to confess about your past sins to ANYONE except Allah swt. So, for starters, clear that concept that you have to tell someone, it is only Allah swt that you have to tell about personal sins. Then there come other sins, like deceiving, lying backbiting or stealing or being rude, the kind of sins that you do have to seek the person's apology in order to move ahead in the relationship.

But as far as mistakes like you have mentioned, must Never be made a mention of especially to your spouse, MARK my words forever. There are several reasons for that, the most important of which is, that those sins involved you as a person, and you have repeatedly sought forgiveness from Allah swt for them, ALlah swt is the most forgiving, He promises to wash away our sins when we constantly seek tauba forgiveness, and says that He hides our sins everyday, and is displeased when we lay open our sins infront of people, there is a hadees regarding this as well, which highly discourages revealing your dark secrets, esp when you are over with them and do not fear getting involved in them again, whats gone is gone now, forget about it, start from a clean slate inshAllah.

Also, I assume that many people reveal their past mistakes, for they fear "what if my spouse finds out through somebody else' he might leave me", and that is just a trick of shaitan too, because when Allah has said that he will guard our secrets so as long as we repent and never do them again, one should not feel the low self esteem to look for some form of approval from a human because humans are very weak in this regard, men more so especially, it is something they cannot usually forgive and forget, esp muslim born men, no matter what they themselves have been upto in the past, they usually (most of them) don't really tolerate the same mistakes from their spouses, and its not like they should or shouldn't, it is somewhat of a nature i guess, but it is upon people to connect to ONLY Allah swt for their mistakes and not expose their such weaknesses infront of people( unless they seek guidance or just need to be helped and are sure that they will not be taken negatively or be treated rudely), because Allah swt will truly help us strengthen our eeman and self esteem while a spouse may not.

It is also your Islamic right to not reveal your past even if your future or current spouse asks you about it, and ofcorse this relates to the mistakes one makes, not the previous marriages or kids, we cannot lie about that. You can just quote the good examples from your past and never mention the bad things, because they have the tendency to impact the relation in a negative way, esp when the spouses argue and fight, they just start taking out each other's mistakes and quote them to eachother and things get worse after that, so my sincere advice to you is to forget about your past and don't enquire about his too, except the necessary things like what he thinks, how does he plan to live his life and etc.

Move ahead in a positive manner without any excess baggage of the guilt, Islam focuses on High self esteem and confidence, not low self esteem. Be confident that you have repented, and ask for Allah's help to make you more confident and to make you forget your sins. May ALlah swt be with you and help you all the way aameen.

['Abd-al Latif]

:sl:

Off-topic:

I was taught that in Islam it is not mandatory for wives to cook for their husbands.:D

Then you have been taught wrong. You shouldn't speak about what you have no knowledge of.

Shaykh Ibn Jibreen said: the custom of the Muslims has always been that the wife should serve her husband in the customary manner, by preparing food, washing his clothes and vessels, cleaning the house, etc., according to what is appropriate. This was the custom at the time of the Prophet and has remained so until the present day, and no one has objected to it. But the wife should not be burdened in a manner that causes her hardship or difficulty, rather it should be in accordance with her ability and what is customary. And Allah is the Source of strength.

[Insaanah]

:sl:

Then you have been taught wrong. You shouldn't speak about what you have no knowledge of.

This is a matter on which there is a difference of opinion amongst the scholars.

Brother ThisOldMan may follow Hanafi fiqh, in which the husband is not only responsible for the maintenance of his wife, but also for the cooking, cleaning, and general maintenance of the house, either by hiring a servant, doing the work himself, or by being lucky enough to have a wife who is willing to do it out of her own free will. If the wife refuses to help out in these areas, she is not to be held responsible and cannot be reprimanded.

This was also the opinion of Imam an-Nawawi, who was a Shafi3i. He said that all the house work that a woman does, is all voluntary on the part of the wife, and if she refused to do any of it, she would not be sinful. What women do is a beautiful voluntary custom that women have been following from the first generations until now.

This is the opinion of Imams Malik, al-Shafi3i, and Abu Hanifa. One statement from Imam Ahmad also agrees with this.

Abu Thaur, ibn Taymiyya and his student ibn al-Qayyim al-Jauziyyah, and Nasiruddin al Albani are of the opinion that it is obligatory on the wife to serve her husband.

Both sides use various ahadeeth as evidence for their position.

After discussing all of the proofs and evidence, al-Adawi came to the conclusion that it is recommended, but not obligatory, for a wife to serve her husband. However both spouses should take into consideration the needs and abilities of the other.

Jamal Zarabozo feels that there is no strong evidence to support either side for obligation or non-obligation. Both sides should take into consideration the physical capabilities and needs of each other, be understanding to each other, and do their best to please each other.

Source: The Fiqh of Family, Marriage and Divorce, by Jamal Zarabozo, American Open University 1997

And Allah knows best in all matters.

:sl:

[Zafran]

salaam

Then you have been taught wrong. You shouldn't speak about what you have no knowledge of.

Its well known that women have no obligation in cooking the food. Its sadaqa.

peace

['Abd-al Latif]

I won't discuss further than this post regarding this issue. It's Ramadan and I really don't want argumentation.

Let me break this down. To elaborate my point, let's take the example of praying in congregation.

Opinion (a) says it's obligatory.

Opinion (b) says it's recommended.

A person is now asked to come to pray in congregation. But he says being lenient in this issue; there are two opinions, there is difference amongst the scholars as to which one is right so I don't know what to do. Such a person hasn't understood fiqh because he hasn't looked at the benefit of the deed and is concerned about the opinions. I say this because, for arguments sake, if this person believes that it is not obligatory to pray in congregation then he at least agrees that it is recommended, because the benefit of prayer in congregation is far greater than worrying about which opinion is correct.

Same is the issue with a wife serving her husband with regards to cooking. At least in the west, people have to work many hours and it is impractical for a person to work long hours, come home in a state of tiredness and then cook food himself, maintain the house, and have a spouse who is lax and lenient in her duties because she says, "I follow madhab xyz so I'm free of accountability." The benefit of keeping a healthy marriage, harmony and love between the two spouses can be easily achieved if they look at the benefits rather than the opinions.

Allah knows best.

w/salam

[Who Am I?]

Salaam brother,
Jazak Allah Khair. Inshallah I hope it remains this way. I just care much about a man who is planning on asking for my hand and of course he is a great muslim and had a relationsip before but sometimes I feel he deserves better than me, even thou I would never hurt or harm him... I would take care od my husband. I am just praying it is who I believe it will be. I fear Allah and my actions that is it.

Allah bless all of you for helping me! :statisfie

:sl:

I can relate to the not feeling worthy part. I too have struggled with self-esteem issues going back to my teenage years, though not for the same reasons as you. I am still dealing with those issues 20 years later.

Anyway, in my opinion, if he asks you about your past, maybe you shouldn't be with this brother. I wouldn't ask if it was me, because frankly it's not that important. I don't care about what happened 10 years ago. I only care about now, today. Frankly, I think it's a little rude for a man to ask a woman about her past history, and vice versa. It's not fair to you or to those other people from your past.

We all have our dark secrets from our past, but those shouldn't interfere with what is going on now, today. If this brother really cares about you, he won't ask about your past. Now whether or not you want to tell him is up to you. But if he really respects you, he won't ask about it.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I see it.

[جوري]

Same is the issue with a wife serving her husband with regards to cooking. At least in the west, people have to work many hours and it is impractical for a person to work long hours, come home in a state of tiredness and then cook food himself, maintain the house, and have a spouse who is lax and lenient in her duties because she says, "I follow madhab xyz so I'm free of accountability." The benefit of keeping a healthy marriage, harmony and love between the two spouses can be easily achieved if they look at the benefits rather than the opinions.

Agree. Except many wives work for 12-13 sometime 24 hours straight and even longer not just in the west. In Egypt I had a car accident with a local doctor who was according to her on a 72 hour shift.. so I think a husband should be merciful and considerate with in his demands.. as the Arabic adage goes 'izha aradt an tota3 f'amor bema yostata3' = if you want to be obeyed then demand what is reasonable..

The odd thing I find is that women who stay at home seem to do nothing as is the case with my sis in law where my bro comes after a hard days work to cook, whereas women who work are demanded to have a home cooked meal every night.. such as the case with sis, or my uncle's wife.. sob7an Allah, I love my uncle but have never seen a man like him, his poor wife contributes to household and every penny she makes goes to the kids or to the house and then has to cater to everyone based on his demands.. and I don't think that's fair frankly..

:w:

[flowergarden]

Asalaamu Alaikum, My sister you have already confirmed that you remain a virgin therefore you do not need to tell him anything at all. You have also confirmed that he has also had a previous relationship so you are both in the same position having previous relationships.

So there is nothing to worry about sister and there is no need to tell him anything. Just go about marriage in the right manner in the way that pleases Allah and you will not get hurt again because you rely upon him and you accept his decree. Know that if you do end up marrying him then it was best for you but if you do not then Allah has someone better in store for you.

May Allah do what is best for you. Ameen

Salaam Brother Hamza,
Jazak Allah Khair. May Allah bless you always for your beautiful advice. I truly appreciate your sincere and truthful feed-back. It helps me heal my heart. I will keep you in my Prayers/duaas and Insh'Allah, Allah bless you with what is always best for you and you will always be happy and healthy! Allah bless you brother. Jazak Allah Khair

sister, peace and blessings be with you. I have read your story and a lot of good advices have been given , though I'll share something with you.

Regarding your question, It is recommended by Scholars to never reveal your past mistakes to anyone, let alone your spouse. I understand that for help and support you have shared yours here, but let me assure you that islam does NOT require you to confess about your past sins to ANYONE except Allah swt. So, for starters, clear that concept that you have to tell someone, it is only Allah swt that you have to tell about personal sins. Then there come other sins, like deceiving, lying backbiting or stealing or being rude, the kind of sins that you do have to seek the person's apology in order to move ahead in the relationship.

Asalaam Wa Alaikum Sister Fatima, Your feedback was very appreciated, I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart. Allah always bless you! I just don't want a bad marriage, as I believe in a marriage I don't want any secrets.... But I understand that it is best to keep such past mistakes in the past where it belongs, because I know I would never deceive, lie, or hurt my spouse and I know I will not make those mistakes ever again, as I learned from my mistake BIG TIMEimsad and repent. Alhamdullah... This board is helping me move ahead, and I am very thankful i have found it, because I don't think I would if I didn't find it. Thank you dear sister! Jazak Allah Khair.

[flowergarden]

I won't discuss further than this post regarding this issue. It's Ramadan and I really don't want argumentation.

Let me break this down. To elaborate my point, let's take the example of praying in congregation.

Opinion (a) says it's obligatory.

Salaam Brothers and sisters, Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him :D. It is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best! :)



Opinion (b) says it's recommended.

I can relate to the not feeling worthy part. I too have struggled with self-esteem issues going back to my teenage years, though not for the same reasons as you. I am still dealing with those issues 20 years later.

Anyway, in my opinion, if he asks you about your past, maybe you shouldn't be with this brother. I wouldn't ask if it was me, because frankly it's not that important. I don't care about what happened 10 years ago. I only care about now, today. Frankly, I think it's a little rude for a man to ask a woman about her past history, and vice versa. It's not fair to you or to those other people from your past.

We all have our dark secrets from our past, but those shouldn't interfere with what is going on now, today. If this brother really cares about you, he won't ask about your past. Now whether or not you want to tell him is up to you. But if he really respects you, he won't ask about it.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I see it.

Salaam brother King of nines!
Yes it has been very hard for me, I had to deal with a very brutal and heartless assault and I am assuming that is what triggered my issues, as I didn't seek counseling. Which I should have :-[. It was very hard for me, I lost faith... but Alhamdullah. I slowly see that I am doing good, I am going in to law to help others who have been hurt and left unjustly position, Insha'Allah, Allah see I am trying to do good deeds.
Brother I wish you see you have a great heart for helping me as much as you have... Every sister and brother has truth touched my heart and I pray to Allah that you always are bless. All of you! Mash'Allah. Allah bless every one here!

[flowergarden]

Salaam Brothers and sisters, Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him. :DIt is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best! In the end, both man and women need food so hey why not feed your family- man or women. My father cooks when my mom is tried.

[flowergarden]

Masha-Allah sister.

Just as every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. Allah is the most forgiving, and if you have repented - then ask him to hide your sins from others.

With regard to your future husband, I speak from experience when I say "don't go into any details" he will probably despise you for it. And anyway, why make your past a burden for him? Always talk about the future and put the past down to experience you've no memory of, for nothing really happened - right?

In response to your question, I'd marry you - no problem, but I am engaged LOL so it's easy for me to say...

...but know this, I am planning to marry a divorcee who has a child, and I have never been married before... good men do exist. Insha-Allah it will work out for you.

Scimitar

Salaam Wa Alaikum Brother Scimiter,
Jazak Allah Khair for your kind words. May Allah bless your marriage very much. Your a good muslim man, Mash'Allah. I sure hope he wouldn't despise me for my past mistakes as I am no where near a bad person. I pray to Allah to keep my mistakes in the past, and inshallah remian on the healing path. Thank you for your encouragement brother!

[flowergarden]

I don't think you should tell him though just incase because some me let it affect them, they can't take it that their wife has been with other men etc even though it was in the past when she was ignorant it still affects them so I don't think you should tell him unless you have to??

Salaam Brother, Jazak Allah Khair for your time and help. As for you question, I don't have to tell him... I just don't want secrets between my husband and I. But I understand now that I should repent and understand humans are weak and make mistakes and now I have to move on... as it has been a good three years of all this hurt and tears... I need to move on, and heal and Mash'Allah this forum is helping soooo much

[Who Am I?]

Salaam Brothers and sisters, Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him. :DIt is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best! In the end, both man and women need food so hey why not feed your family- man or women. My father cooks when my mom is tried.

:sl:

Hey, that works for me. You like to cook, I like to eat. :D

Actually I do a fair bit of cooking myself, when I am in the mood. Normally on weekends because after working all day, I often don't feel like cooking. The best part about cooking is naturally, the eating at the end part. :D

Anyway, I hope that what we have said here lightens your load a bit, so to speak.

[Futuwwa]

Yes, I would :statisfie

Few things are as beautiful as repentance, and in that regard you are exceptionally beautiful. If your husband-to-be rejects you, then his is the loss :hiding:

[Ansariyah]

Don't tell anyone what happened. Learn from your past you know better now. No one needs to know what happened. Most men are very jealous even though you didn't lose your virginity they can still lose respect for you in a snap. So let this stay with you, free yourself from this burden. Accept it repent and remember that Allah loves those who come back to him and repent. Human beings can be so cruel, don't look for their acceptance and respect seek it from your lord. May Allah purify you and protect you always ameen.

[IslamicRevival]

Leave the past as it is, dead and buried and move on. Simple as that really

[flowergarden]

Don't tell anyone what happened. Learn from your past you know better now. No one needs to know what happened. Most men are very jealous even though you didn't lose your virginity they can still lose respect for you in a snap. So let this stay with you, free yourself from this burden. Accept it repent and remember that Allah loves those who come back to him and repent. Human beings can be so cruel, don't look for their acceptance and respect seek it from your lord. May Allah purify you and protect you always ameen.

Salaam Yanoorah, Thank you for your feed back... But that is why I am feeling so horrible. Because only Allah knows how much I have gone through and only Allah know how much sorrowed I am to my actions. It really tears me up that a man would leave me because of something I am sincerely sorry and repent for. It breaks my heart and make me want to cry because I am a good person... I would never in my mind even hurt my future husband... especially if he see's the real me, not the fact that I wasn't as strong before, nor was I as religious.imsad I am sorry for that too... I can't help what I was feeling than, I didn't really fear, I just felt unworthy.

I just don't see how could they get jealous if I know and promise to never hurt and always be by my husbands side and never let him fall or hurt...

I especally could never see how a man, A GOOD MAN could lose respect for me because I was a teenager, more so I was a lost teenager struggling with depression, and trama.

Brothers and sister you have helped me alot... I guess I am still a bit confused! Jazak Allah Khair!

Leave the past as it is, dead and buried and move on. Simple as that really

Jazak Allah Khair Brother.. I am trying, Inshallah I iwll soon!
Allah bless you!

[flowergarden]

Hey, that works for me. You like to cook, I like to eat.

Actually I do a fair bit of cooking myself, when I am in the mood. Normally on weekends because after working all day, I often don't feel like cooking. The best part about cooking is naturally, the eating at the end part.

Anyway, I hope that what we have said here lightens your load a bit, so to speak.

Haha food is always yummy when it is satisfying your hunger! Alhamduillah

This has helped me a lot, really. I don't think I would be as I am now if I didn't join this site! But as you can see I have some more questions, on the post I posted just before this one. But Inshallah I keep praying.
JazakAllah Khair

Yes, I would

Few things are as beautiful as repentance, and in that regard you are exceptionally beautiful. If your husband-to-be rejects you, then his is the loss

Jazak Allah Khair Brother Futuwwa... Thank you for your kind words. And may Allah bless you always!
It just hurts to think any man would judge me based on my past, especially knowing I am so sorrowed and repent.. It just bugs my mind and scares me. As you can see on the other post on the reply to Yanoorah, I just am confused to why a man, a GOOD MAN, would leave and loose respect for me based on just a bad mistake that I am sincerly sorrow for... just aches my heart!
Allah bless you~ Thank you dearly!

[YusufNoor]

Salaam Brothers and sisters, Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him. :DIt is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best! In the end, both man and women need food so hey why not feed your family- man or women. My father cooks when my mom is tried.

:sl:

My wonderful wife suffers from severe clinical depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, agoraphobia and panic/anxiety disorder. she has 7 vertebrae out of alignment on her back and has kidney trouble and is very anemic. i do the cooking and the dishes, the shopping and most of the cleaning after working 10 to 11 hours a day. she just got out of a very bad domestic violence situation. she had tried to escape the dv situation 3 years ago when she went to live with an old girlfriend. the friend ended up try to sexually abuse her and this brought back her ptsd worse than ever.

counseling, more specifically a Wellness Recovery and Action Plan group saved her life. she mentioned an interest in art journalism and i bought all the materials that she would need. withing 2 months she was asked to begin teaching a class and her artistic skills have really begun to improve. while teaching her class, she also teaches what she learned in WRAP. her students adore her and she really helps. she is saving lives. she is amazing!

we work together! the clinic where she teaches provides very little funding so we donate the supplies. she is turning tragedy into hope, by Allah's Help. i laugh when she worries about all the work that i do around the house. i just tell that if Allah accepts my sadaqah and blesses her efforts then i'm making out like a bandit!

and just the other day, i was trying to take a nap. i heard a racket in the kitchen. it took 3 hours, but she cooked an entire meal for the first time in 10 years! i was moved and totally impressed at her gargantuan effort. i was a chef, cooking is simple for me. i don't know how her back held out. it was shear desire on her part. we are each totally convinced the Allah has not only arranged for us to be together, but in doing so He has Personally answered our most personal and secret prayers to the that ONE person we each so desperately needed in our lives. and He has answered those prayers beyond our wildest dreams, Alhamdulillah!

treating your wife like a Royal Gift from Allah has only Blessed our lives. Muslim men should try it!:D

:wa:
yusuf

[IslamicRevival]

SubhanAllah, That is truly uplifting and inspirational brother Yusuf. May Allah Azzawajal bless you and you're family, Ameen.

[IslamicRevival]

Sister FlowerGarden, try not too overthink as its not good for the mind. May Allah Azzawajal make things easy for you and every single Muslim on this entire universe. Ameen

[flowergarden]

My wonderful wife suffers from severe clinical depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, agoraphobia and panic/anxiety disorder. she has 7 vertebrae out of alignment on her back and has kidney trouble and is very anemic. i do the cooking and the dishes, the shopping and most of the cleaning after working 10 to 11 hours a day. she just got out of a very bad domestic violence situation. she had tried to escape the dv situation 3 years ago when she went to live with an old girlfriend. the friend ended up try to sexually abuse her and this brought back her ptsd worse than ever.

counseling, more specifically a Wellness Recovery and Action Plan group saved her life. she mentioned an interest in art journalism and i bought all the materials that she would need. withing 2 months she was asked to begin teaching a class and her artistic skills have really begun to improve. while teaching her class, she also teaches what she learned in WRAP. her students adore her and she really helps. she is saving lives. she is amazing!

we work together! the clinic where she teaches provides very little funding so we donate the supplies. she is turning tragedy into hope, by Allah's Help. i laugh when she worries about all the work that i do around the house. i just tell that if Allah accepts my sadaqah and blesses her efforts then i'm making out like a bandit!

and just the other day, i was trying to take a nap. i heard a racket in the kitchen. it took 3 hours, but she cooked an entire meal for the first time in 10 years! i was moved and totally impressed at her gargantuan effort. i was a chef, cooking is simple for me. i don't know how her back held out. it was shear desire on her part. we are each totally convinced the Allah has not only arranged for us to be together, but in doing so He has Personally answered our most personal and secret prayers to the that ONE person we each so desperately needed in our lives. and He has answered those prayers beyond our wildest dreams, Alhamdulillah!

treating your wife like a Royal Gift from Allah has only Blessed our lives. Muslim men should try it!


yusuf

Salaam Wa Alaikum Brother Yousef,
Truly an inspiring post! Thank you for sharing. She gives me hope, especially realizing maybe I need some consoling, but I am afraid to actually go through with it. She is a wonderful women and it seems like I can truly benefit from keeping her in my mind.... Always remembering such a strong spirit. SubhanAllah!
Allah always bless you and you're family, and always give you the best!

I believe you two were made for each other. Allah broight you together, Alhamduillah to always keep your head high and to catch each other before falling. I wanted to help young girls who were raped, it is just hard to get grants... I hope one day to be someone like you wife, an amazing women!

Allah bless her and you in the best ways! May Allah always keep you in good health and full of bliss and bless all your prayers! Ameen!
Brother, I don't know you very well, but your my friend... and I keep you and your family in my prayers

:wa:

[Riana17]

Subhanallah what a wonderful story Brother Yusuf, you are an example of a good Muslim man and contented.

My husband always looks forward for my cook, but I am lazy and afraid coz I am not good in this... perhaps I need serious inspiration, I dont know how but I pray to Allah that one day I can cook for him too, I know it is very important eventhough he doesnt mind I cant cook.

[YusufNoor]

Salaam Wa Alaikum Brother Yousef,
Truly an inspiring post! Thank you for sharing. She gives me hope, especially realizing maybe I need some consoling, but I am afraid to actually go through with it. She is a wonderful women and it seems like I can truly benefit from keeping her in my mind.... Always remembering such a strong spirit. SubhanAllah!
Allah always bless you and you're family, and always give you the best!

I believe you two were made for each other. Allah broight you together, Alhamduillah to always keep your head high and to catch each other before falling. I wanted to help young girls who were raped, it is just hard to get grants... I hope one day to be someone like you wife, an amazing women!

Allah bless her and you in the best ways! May Allah always keep you in good health and full of bliss and bless all your prayers! Ameen!
Brother, I don't know you very well, but your my friend... and I keep you and your family in my prayers

:wa:

:sl:

it was the WRAP group that saved my wife. like most Muslims, i kind of "poo-poo"ed the idea thinking all that you need is Qur'an. the WRAP was the most gut-wrenching course she ever took. she had to face everything, and she had alot of obstacles: raped at 14, date-raped at 16, her mom fed her hash brownies at 3, despite being a straight A student, her mom belittled her extensively. she was in so much emotional pain that she dabbled in heroin. just when she finally found her "soulmate" an unfortunate series of events led to her "temporarily" leaving him. she never saw him again, she learned a few years ago that he died within a month and she blames herself. she came as close to recovery as she could and then ended up in that awful DV situation. the trauma of the "old girlfriend" situation brought back her PTSD worse than before, so she settled for the DV situation as better than nothing. she has survived a suicide attempt and loves herself at least enough where she won't do that again [she was actually saved by a miracle from Allah, and she now knows this.]

i have seen her put the WRAP into use in our relationship. just after she cooked, she explained some of it's concepts and i then realized that she was using what she learned with me. because of her hyper-sensitivity, i can accidentally "trigger" her depression or even her PTSD. you can witness her "nose-dive" and it is heartbreaking to see. i'll be horrified and in anguish and 15 minutes later, SHE is trying to make me laugh! she told me, "no matter what you do, your forgiven the instant you do it [even if i DID something stupid-and i have], just give me a few moments to recover, that's all i need." last night i said something she misunderstood and she was very hurt. we talked about it and she understood. and 10 minutes later she did something that made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt for hours.

from her point of view, she can do it because of me. i DO try to make her happy and Allah allows me unbridled success in this area, and i adore her. YET she thinks that SHE is the one who is Blessed because she IS so happy and she feels more loved than ever before. she actually says that she feels Allah kept her "perfect plan" suicide from working so that she would be alive to meet me. i survived a heart attack and congestive heart-failure and pretty much feel the same way. my ex-wife left me last year, told me when i was nearly dead, that she wasn't coming back from her visit to Yemen. THAT story was one of the things that bonded my wife's heart to mine [i used to drive her to some of her classes]. we BOTH see Allah's design in our marriage.

had she either not taken her courses or not explained her past, many of our "incidents" could have ended any "normal" relationships. it is BECAUSE of those courses that she can be so effective helping others. yes, Muslims will tell you [sincerely] that you don't "need' help. the truth is that NONE OF US know what you need. we CAN'T know how what happened to you affected you. you have to work this out yourself, BUT if you get help, then you can help others,

my wife just finished a PEER counseling course. now imagine some poor distraught woman has listened to my wife teaching. they are awestruck, my wife is very beautiful and the women imagine her to be a professional counselor. when they one on one, she tells them some of the things from her past and they are dumbstruck! my wife shows them pictures of herself from 3 years ago and she looked like a different person. the hope that they get when she tells them that they have the power to be just like her is unbelievable! she is truculently working on a project to help people when the meet that moment of despair and they'll either use drugs or commit suicide or allow their abusive mates to kill them. just last Sunday she asked that if one of those women were at a breaking point, could we go and rescue them.

from her point of view, "as a Muslim, would you refuse a doctors help if you were sick? wouldn't you be denying the help that Allah has provided for you? the WHY oh WHY would you deny someone "mental" first aid or assistance?'

DANG GOOD QUESTION!

i leave you that as food for though.

:wa:
Yusuf

[Who Am I?]

Sister flowergarden, I hope that what I am about to say does not offend you or anyone else.

I've long thought that things happen for a reason. There is a reason that you went through what you did, sister flowergarden, and I think I see it. You said yourself that you want to help out other sisters who have been through what you went through. Because of your past, you have a unique perspective, and the ability to help them out like no one else can.

I think that your experience, while tragic, has made you a better and stronger person today, and I admire you for your strength. You want to use the tragedy of your past to help the futures of others, and that is a great quality to have. Things happen for a reason, and I think that is the reason. Allah works in mysterious ways, and the universe tends to unfold as it should.

Your tragedy can lead to someone else's triumph, so don't discount yourself, sister. There is strength in you.

:sl:

[al Amaanah]

:salamext:

a man not wanting to marry u coz of ur past isnt worthy of u ya ukht. everyone has a past, and everyone makes mistakes (may Allah forgive and guide us) what matters and what is important is tawbah and change. may Allah grant and ease whats khayr for u and may Allah accept ur tawbah, keep u guided and steadfast upon the deen ameeeen

:w:

[Reflections]

'Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future'

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam Sis



as already stated , u dont' have to tell anyone about ur sins.



Just keep asking Allah to forgives and hides ur sins.If possible , get married to avoid more mistakes.






Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:


“All the children of Adam are wrongdoers, and the best of the wrongdoers are those who repent.” (Sunan Tirmidhi)




It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say:




“All of my ummah may be forgiven except those who commit sin openly.



It is a kind of committing sin openly if a man does something at night, then morning comes and Allaah has concealed his sin, but he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when his Lord has concealed him (his action) all night but in the morning he reveals that which Allaah had concealed for him.”



Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990

[flowergarden]

from her point of view, "as a Muslim, would you refuse a doctors help if you were sick? wouldn't you be denying the help that Allah has provided for you? the WHY oh WHY would you deny someone "mental" first aid or assistance?'

DANG GOOD QUESTION!

i leave you that as food for though.

Salaam Brother, I actually do want to really think and post a nice reply to your response, as it really was nice.... It too late over here but I will get back to you brother! Thank you!

Sister flowergarden, I hope that what I am about to say does not offend you or anyone else.

I've long thought that things happen for a reason. There is a reason that you went through what you did, sister flowergarden, and I think I see it. You said yourself that you want to help out other sisters who have been through what you went through. Because of your past, you have a unique perspective, and the ability to help them out like no one else can.

I think that your experience, while tragic, has made you a better and stronger person today, and I admire you for your strength. You want to use the tragedy of your past to help the futures of others, and that is a great quality to have. Things happen for a reason, and I think that is the reason. Allah works in mysterious ways, and the universe tends to unfold as it should.

Your tragedy can lead to someone else's triumph, so don't discount yourself, sister. There is strength in you.

Jazak Allah khair Brother for your kind word, they humbled me... I just wish it was easy to forget my mistakes... And I want to help myself before I help others... It is my goal to be a lawyer and help others, rather man or a woman. So InshAllah. I am almost a lawyer, now time to start helping the victims.

I just discount myself in the fact that I made mistakes that break my heart... I am slowly moving on with the help of all these brothers and Sisters Alhamdullah, but I just hope I see the good in me that others see! I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for you taking the time to help me! Allah bless you always.

Allah bless everyone!

a man not wanting to marry u coz of ur past isnt worthy of u ya ukht. everyone has a past, and everyone makes mistakes (may Allah forgive and guide us) what matters and what is important is tawbah and change. may Allah grant and ease whats khayr for u and may Allah accept ur tawbah, keep u guided and steadfast upon the deen ameeeen

Allah bless you! Jakzak Allah Khair for you time and help! I appreciate it... May Allah ways grant you health, happiness and bless your prayers! Ameen!

[SFatima]

:sl:


had she either not taken her courses or not explained her past, many of our "incidents" could have ended any "normal" relationships. it is BECAUSE of those courses that she can be so effective helping others. yes, Muslims will tell you [sincerely] that you don't "need' help. the truth is that NONE OF US know what you need. we CAN'T know how what happened to you a
from her point of view, "as a Muslim, would you refuse a doctors help if you were sick? wouldn't you be denying the help that Allah has provided for you? the WHY oh WHY would you deny someone "mental" first aid or assistance?'

DANG GOOD QUESTION!

i leave you that as food for though.

:sl:
Brother yusufnoor, a very touching story and I cannot pray enough for the well being, health and happiness for you and your wife InshAllah, may you guys be forever blessed, and may your trials be over soon aameen.

I have included a portion of what you said in my post, and it struck me, since I dont know, who says that you cant go for treatment to the doctors? This has to be some mis-understanding, since in cases of clinical depression and specially the kind that your wife has struggled with, it is recommended to take medication, courses and psychological treatment and etc. Why would anyone in their right mind stop you? Has an imam or a scholar said that to you, because I would like to know if they have since I have never heard a scholar advocate against psychological treatment. It is your right, and maybe an average muslim brother may have said to you that all you need is Quran, that is true for normal cases of day to day stressful events, tensions, slight worrisome matters, but for a condition that severe, one needs to seek all that help, since it clearly shows that you are unable to help yourself and need someone else's help to gather yourself again.

It may have been that those people have under-estimated your wife's condition, and trust me no-one knows what depression is really like unless they go through it, severe depression is a serious condition and MashAllah MashAllah from what you say, I think you're wife is doing so well mashAllah! that sounds like great progress! Keep doing the treatment, and keep asking for shifa from Allah swt (shifa= wellness from disease) and you will be blessed inshAllah. :)

So yeah, for people who haven't gone through all those difficult trials like your wife, and flowergarden, they don't really know what they're talking about, usually. While reading the Quran, is especially good for all, it heals your soul and puts your worries away , makes you strong inside, one can always take treatments if they feel what they're doing isn't enough. And yes in initial stages of mild depression, treatment through the Quran ( doing good recitations and listening to them, like that of Sura Rahman, almost everyday, have helped many people heal their mild to moderate depression) but someone who has already delved into severe depression ( which is marked by suicidal tendencies) must seek professional help.

Islam recommends treatment, and if you know of the hadiths that tells us that Allah swt says " I am fond of 2 types of knowledge in this world which hold great value to me, one is the knowledge of religion, other; the knowledge of tibb ( cures, medicine,doctors etc)

By the way I have a booklet which has duas for depression, I can share some with you if you'd like :)

[ardianto]

:sl:

Sisters, and especially brothers,

Maybe it not wise to reveal it. But if it can open your eyes, let me tell you, brother YusufNoor is not the only member here who married rape victim.

My wife was raped by her abussive ex-boyfriend, and not only rape, her ex-boyfriend also forced her to do abortion. She told me about it before we marry. But i could accept everything that happened in her past. I believe she just a victim.

Then we married at 1994, and we were hoping we could get a baby soon. But until the middle of 97 my wife didn't pregnant. I started to thinking there was something wrong with me. I checked myself to the doctor, but the doctor told me as a male, I am normal.

Then in the late of 97 we checked my wife to a doctor. Doctor checked her with USG and he found something in my wife body, but he didn't knew what it was. Around a month later, we visited another doctor, and now the doctor found something that made my wife couldn't pregnant, a contraception spiral that placed to my wife by her ex-boyfriend in an abortion clinic without she knew about it. Then the doctor removed it.

On the way back home, she was crying and afraid I would angry. But I didn't have any reason to angry, I didn't have any reason to forgive because nothing to forgive, that's not her fault. The only thing that I had were millions reasons to still love her.

Alhamdulillah, not so long after that my wife was pregnant. Now we have two cute kids. I love my kids, and I love my wife who always treat me nicely, she always cook delicious food for me, she always take care our kids.

Now she has been a hijabi Muslimah and she never miss salah. And honestly, everytime I see her I always realize, Allah has given me the most beautiful woman who I ever meet as my wife. It's makes me very happy.

So, brothers, if one day you meet potential wife, and you find she has bad experience in the past, just try to accept it. Remember, wife is a gift from Allah to the husband. And like brother YusufNoor has said : treating your wife like a Royal Gift from Allah has only Blessed our lives. Muslim men should try it!

[Who Am I?]

Jazak Allah khair Brother for your kind word, they humbled me... I just wish it was easy to forget my mistakes... And I want to help myself before I help others... It is my goal to be a lawyer and help others, rather man or a woman. So InshAllah. I am almost a lawyer, now time to start helping the victims.

I just discount myself in the fact that I made mistakes that break my heart... I am slowly moving on with the help of all these brothers and Sisters Alhamdullah, but I just hope I see the good in me that others see! I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for you taking the time to help me! Allah bless you always.

:sl:

We all have made mistakes. God knows I have made my share in my own past. But the things is, you have to learn to forgive yourself, of that guilt will eat you up inside. I fed mine through a bottle for many years, and only recently have I started to forgive myself for the things that I've said and done. It won't be a quick process, and it won't be an easy process, but it is something that you have to do if you want to move on with the rest of your life.

Don't forget your mistakes, but learn from them. If you forget them, you're liable to make the same mistakes again, but remember what happened, and how you got there, and learn from that, to avoid doing it again in the future.

At the same time, the past is the past. Bury it and let it lie there. You can't go back and change it. This much I know. Sometimes I still sit and think about "what if I said this or what if I had done that?" That's natural, but you have to be careful. "What if" can be a terrible thing to live with when you allow it to take over your mind.

As for myself, it will be a while before I marry, if ever. I have too many things to sort out right now. Some of it is my own fault and some of it is just the circumstances of my upbringing (not my parents; but the secular society in which I was raised). It would not be fair to ask a sister to share these burdens that I have, because they are mine to bear alone. This is what will make me a better man. This is what will make me the man I am supposed to be.

[SFatima]

Brother adrianto, thank you for sharing your post, ofcorse there must be quite a few like you out there who have a strong iman and who don't get stuck on the insignificant stuff. It is a blessing from Allah swt to have such a state of eeman MashAllah. May you and your family prosper forever, ammeen.

[SFatima]

There ayahs verses are very good for asking for forgiveness, and subhanALlah Allah swt tells us Himself how to ask for forgiveness because most of the times we don't even have words for the things that deeply touch us.

Ayah no. 286, Sura baqara.(last ruku) This has been said to be the Heaviest Ayah of the Quran,and it was gifted to prophet Muhammad from a special treasure, it really does help sooth your doubts, worries and guilt subhanAllah, recite as much as you can. These ayahs are very good to recite everyday.

And The Last Ayah of Sura ale Imran, last ruku.

And ayah no. 23 from Sura Al Araf.
http://thebeautyofislam.tumblr.com/p...am-taghfirlana

[flowergarden]

I have included a portion of what you said in my post, and it struck me, since I dont know, who says that you cant go for treatment to the doctors? This has to be some mis-understanding, since in cases of clinical depression and specially the kind that your wife has struggled with, it is recommended to take medication, courses and psychological treatment and etc. Why would anyone in their right mind stop you? Has an imam or a scholar said that to you, because I would like to know if they have since I have never heard a scholar advocate against psychological treatment. It is your right, and maybe an average muslim brother may have said to you that all you need is Quran, that is true for normal cases of day to day stressful events, tensions, slight worrisome matters, but for a condition that severe, one needs to seek all that help, since it clearly shows that you are unable to help yourself and need someone else's help to gather yourself again.

Salaam wa Alaikum Sister,
Indeed brother Yusef's story is truly a touching and beautiful story. As for the treatment, I haven't gone to treatment. When I was raped I hid everything for a while, than decided to take it to court as I didn't want any girl to hurt the way I did...
I didn't go to treatment as I felt I would be weak, I know I needed it. But I just didn't want to come home from it having my family think I am crazy. I was really young and honestly when I think back, I know I would have been so much better taken treatment I probably wouldn't have made those mistakes... :(

For me I would wake up every morning just wishing I would be someone else, and even days I would wish I were dead. It was a brutal assault and I was left with injustice even though I took it to court, when that happened I lost it. I lost faith, I lost myself. I felt the rape killed me yet my heart was still beating, and it took more than 6 years to accept it.. yet I didn't have faith nor any self esteem. So I guess with the marriage question I am still lost of esteem considering my past and the mistakes that came along.

And yes I would always tell anyone who is going through hardships, to take apart in treatment; especially one that has activities like journal, and arts and crafts, because I know how hard it is to wake up every morning with the aches in your heart more than ever.

Jazak Allah Khair for your time sister! Allah always bless you and protect you, and keep you in the right path always! I would like some of those duas if you don't mind? maybe message me them? Jazak Allah khair, Allah bless you sister

[flowergarden]

Salaam Wa Alakium brother Ardianto,
Thank you for sharing your touching and so beautiful story. I means a lot to me. Allah bless your family and your beautiful kids! I am happy for you, Mash'Allah! Your wife has a very touching story, and Allah truly blessed her with a wonderful husband, May Allah always protect you and your family, and always bless your prayers. It means a lot to me for everyone caring and helping me, and I will always keep you in my prayers brothers and sisters.

Sisters, and especially brothers,

Maybe it not wise to reveal it. But if it can open your eyes, let me tell you, brother YusufNoor is not the only member here who married rape victim.

My wife was raped by her abussive ex-boyfriend, and not only rape, her ex-boyfriend also forced her to do abortion. She told me about it before we marry. But i could accept everything that happened in her past. I believe she just a victim.

Then we married at 1994, and we were hoping we could get a baby soon. But until the middle of 97 my wife didn't pregnant. I started to thinking there was something wrong with me. I checked myself to the doctor, but the doctor told me as a male, I am normal.

Then in the late of 97 we checked my wife to a doctor. Doctor checked her with USG and he found something in my wife body, but he didn't knew what it was. Around a month later, we visited another doctor, and now the doctor found something that made my wife couldn't pregnant, a contraception spiral that placed to my wife by her ex-boyfriend in an abortion clinic without she knew about it. Then the doctor removed it.

On the way back home, she was crying and afraid I would angry. But I didn't have any reason to angry, I didn't have any reason to forgive because nothing to forgive, that's not her fault. The only thing that I had were millions reasons to still love her.

Alhamdulillah, not so long after that my wife was pregnant. Now we have two cute kids. I love my kids, and I love my wife who always treat me nicely, she always cook delicious food for me, she always take care our kids.

Now she has been a hijabi Muslimah and she never miss salah. And honestly, everytime I see her I always realize, Allah has given me the most beautiful woman who I ever meet as my wife. It's makes me very happy.

So, brothers, if one day you meet potential wife, and you find she has bad experience in the past, just try to accept it. Remember, wife is a gift from Allah to the husband. And like brother YusufNoor has said : treating your wife like a Royal Gift from Allah has only Blessed our lives. Muslim men should try it!

[flowergarden]

We all have made mistakes. God knows I have made my share in my own past. But the things is, you have to learn to forgive yourself, of that guilt will eat you up inside. I fed mine through a bottle for many years, and only recently have I started to forgive myself for the things that I've said and done. It won't be a quick process, and it won't be an easy process, but it is something that you have to do if you want to move on with the rest of your life.

Don't forget your mistakes, but learn from them. If you forget them, you're liable to make the same mistakes again, but remember what happened, and how you got there, and learn from that, to avoid doing it again in the future.

At the same time, the past is the past. Bury it and let it lie there. You can't go back and change it. This much I know. Sometimes I still sit and think about "what if I said this or what if I had done that?" That's natural, but you have to be careful. "What if" can be a terrible thing to live with when you allow it to take over your mind.

As for myself, it will be a while before I marry, if ever. I have too many things to sort out right now. Some of it is my own fault and some of it is just the circumstances of my upbringing (not my parents; but the secular society in which I was raised). It would not be fair to ask a sister to share these burdens that I have, because they are mine to bear alone. This is what will make me a better man. This is what will make me the man I am supposed to be.

SalaamKing of nines,
Yes you're right. And I know I need to forgive myself, and I no doubt know the rape wasn't my fault. But what kills me inside is I went off and didn't have faith and I made mistakes, it so hard to look at myself as a girl am man would marry, sometimes I even say if I were a man would I marry me? But I know I have a strong love for Allah and Islam, but its just my hurt getting to me, and I wish I just seek proper treatment so I wouldn't have been so sad and low to make them. It is so hard and I know I will one day be happy with myself, and I know I will forgive myself, it is just a process of just seeing that I am good, and just seeing Allah forgives, and InshAllah He will forgive me.

I pray I will bury those mistakes soon, and be able to help others, and be as happy as can be. I hope. I just need some push, and Allah is helping me with that by having friend like you brothers and sisters! Mash'Allah. Alhamduillah.
Jazak ALlah kahir for taking the time for me, it bring tears of joy to my eyes that I can come to this site and seek proper words of wisdom and be happy on this site. It really humbles me, and I always pray for all my brothers and sister. Allah always bless you!
:rock:

[flowergarden]

Oh by the ways Sisters and Brothers,
I have decided to wear the hajiab! :statisfie I think this will help me, be more closer to Allah, and help me learn more about Islam... I am of course a modest women, but I am doing this because I feel ready now! InshAllah

[Hamza Asadullah]

Oh by the ways Sisters and Brothers,
I have decided to wear the hajiab! :statisfie I think this will help me, be more closer to Allah, and help me learn more about Islam... I am of course a modest women, but I am doing this because I feel ready now! InshAllah

Mashallah sister what better time to begin to wear the hijaab than in the last ten days of the most blessed of months. Next step jilbaab inshallah.

May Allah bless you and give you the best of this world and the next. Ameen

[Muhaba]

it is easy to forgive another person and accept another's past but it is hard to forgive one's own self. and that is what you need to do. Wehn you repent sincerely, Allah will forgive you. you must repent with regret (that is, you have to regret the sins that you did). and once you do that, then forget the past. forgive yourself and then try to be a better muslima. don't constantly think about your past because it won't bring good results. the main thing is to be accepted by Allah (by repenting and improving). once that is done, don't worry about anything else.


as for rape it wasn't your fault so you don't have to worry whether you will be forgiven for it. Thank Allah for saving you.

May Allah make things easy and better for you.

[ardianto]

Brother adrianto, thank you for sharing your post, ofcorse there must be quite a few like you out there who have a strong iman and who don't get stuck on the insignificant stuff. It is a blessing from Allah swt to have such a state of eeman MashAllah. May you and your family prosper forever, ammeen.

Salaam Wa Alakium brother Ardianto,
Thank you for sharing your touching and so beautiful story. I means a lot to me. Allah bless your family and your beautiful kids! I am happy for you, Mash'Allah! Your wife has a very touching story, and Allah truly blessed her with a wonderful husband, May Allah always protect you and your family, and always bless your prayers. It means a lot to me for everyone caring and helping me, and I will always keep you in my prayers brothers and sisters.

Assalamualaikum,

Thank you very much, sister SFatima, sister Flowergarden.

InshaAllah, I will always try to be a good husband for my wife and good daddy for my kids.


And @ sister Flowergarden.
Alhamdulillah, I am very happy to hear now you wear hijab. May Allah bless you.

My wife also considered as New Hijabi, although not really New. She is a beautiful woman who always concerned about the appearance and what she wears. In the first days she wears hijab she lost her confidence.
She asked me "Do I look ugly with hijab ?"
"No ! you look beautiful when you wear hijab " I replied.
But she didn't believe and thought I told it only to please.

Later she meet many women, all of them told my wife she look beautiful with her hijab, and she began to realize that hijab makes her look beautiful.

One afternoon, she fitted her hijab in our room and she asked me.
"Do I look beautiful with hijab ?"
"Yes, you look so beautiful"
"Are you glad to see me wear hijab"
"I love to see you wear hijab"
And she gave me her sweetest smile. I have married her for long time, of course I knew what her smile means. So, we went to Muslimah clothes store. :D

[Who Am I?]

Oh by the ways Sisters and Brothers,
I have decided to wear the hajiab! :statisfie I think this will help me, be more closer to Allah, and help me learn more about Islam... I am of course a modest women, but I am doing this because I feel ready now! InshAllah

Good to hear. Small steps, though. Do only what you feel comfortable with and don't push yourself too hard.

[flowergarden]

Thank you all for the support! InshAllah I will wear it.... I first want to prepare, make sure all my clothes are modest, which shouldn't be hard as there already are.

I feel this may help with my pain. I just really want to move on, and I hope this will help me, I have been think of wearing it for 2 years.

[Zafran]

Salaam

May Allah make everybodies tests easier.

peace

[YusufNoor]

:sl:
Brother yusufnoor, a very touching story and I cannot pray enough for the well being, health and happiness for you and your wife InshAllah, may you guys be forever blessed, and may your trials be over soon aameen.

JazakAllah Khayr

I have included a portion of what you said in my post, and it struck me, since I dont know, who says that you cant go for treatment to the doctors? This has to be some mis-understanding, since in cases of clinical depression and specially the kind that your wife has struggled with, it is recommended to take medication, courses and psychological treatment and etc. Why would anyone in their right mind stop you? Has an imam or a scholar said that to you, because I would like to know if they have since I have never heard a scholar advocate against psychological treatment. It is your right, and maybe an average muslim brother may have said to you that all you need is Quran, that is true for normal cases of day to day stressful events, tensions, slight worrisome matters, but for a condition that severe, one needs to seek all that help, since it clearly shows that you are unable to help yourself and need someone else's help to gather yourself again.

it's the general attitude around here. and to some degree they could be right, but none of us are THAT good with the Qur'an. and i've never seen a prominent Shaykh advocate any mental health treatment. and as for rape, you hear in alot of Muslim countries that the victim gets punished.

It may have been that those people have under-estimated your wife's condition, and trust me no-one knows what depression is really like unless they go through it, severe depression is a serious condition and MashAllah MashAllah from what you say, I think you're wife is doing so well mashAllah! that sounds like great progress! Keep doing the treatment, and keep asking for shifa from Allah swt (shifa= wellness from disease) and you will be blessed inshAllah. :)

the imams seem to have a hard time understanding all the issues, therefore it is logical that they may not understand the solutions.

So yeah, for people who haven't gone through all those difficult trials like your wife, and flowergarden, they don't really know what they're talking about, usually. While reading the Quran, is especially good for all, it heals your soul and puts your worries away , makes you strong inside, one can always take treatments if they feel what they're doing isn't enough. And yes in initial stages of mild depression, treatment through the Quran ( doing good recitations and listening to them, like that of Sura Rahman, almost everyday, have helped many people heal their mild to moderate depression) but someone who has already delved into severe depression ( which is marked by suicidal tendencies) must seek professional help.

yes, but ptsd puts you there immediately in rape cases.

Islam recommends treatment, and if you know of the hadiths that tells us that Allah swt says " I am fond of 2 types of knowledge in this world which hold great value to me, one is the knowledge of religion, other; the knowledge of tibb ( cures, medicine,doctors etc)

i would LOVE IT if a Shaykh applied this to mental health issues. it seems that culturally, women are treated as second class citizens around here. they do ALL of the housework and watch the kids. for me, it's a bit aggravating. some folks get really mad at me because i spend so much time taking care of my wife. my wife hears some of these phone conversations and it really angers her and it turns her off to Islam. i keep explaining to her that helping her is Islamic.

By the way I have a booklet which has duas for depression, I can share some with you if you'd like :)

absolutely!

:sl:

thank you for taking the time to reply, Sister. one of the problems with treatment for depression, esp. for reverts or people close to Islam, is that they try to remember "happy things" in order to pull out of "nosedive" situations." Music is especially used. [if they were born Muslim, then Qur'an might be a more natural choice as they have memories of it.] Comedies also, laughing is a huge help. VERY few tunes or movies that a revert or non-Muslim favor are 100% halal in content, far from it some times. it DOES make for some awkward conversations as i try to explain why certain stuff is offensive and i let some stuff slide because she feels what she wants is "normal."

i really appreciated your comment on Muslim men in a previous post about how they wouldn't accept things about their wives that they have, in fact, done themselves. it's sad though, women are not private possessions. they are human beings and a great gift from Allah. that makes it hurtful and unjust to see the way victims of rape are treated.

Indeed brother Yusef's story is truly a touching and beautiful story. As for the treatment, I haven't gone to treatment. When I was raped I hid everything for a while, than decided to take it to court as I didn't want any girl to hurt the way I did...
I didn't go to treatment as I felt I would be weak, I know I needed it. But I just didn't want to come home from it having my family think I am crazy. I was really young and honestly when I think back, I know I would have been so much better taken treatment I probably wouldn't have made those mistakes...

that is why i took the time to post. i have learned alot from my wife and i recognized the pattern. you need to restore your high self esteem, it as taken from you. it shapes alot of your actions and reactions. sometimes ptsd doesn't go away, if you still have it treatment might be invaluable.

For me I would wake up every morning just wishing I would be someone else, and even days I would wish I were dead. It was a brutal assault and I was left with injustice even though I took it to court, when that happened I lost it. I lost faith, I lost myself. I felt the rape killed me yet my heart was still beating, and it took more than 6 years to accept it.. yet I didn't have faith nor any self esteem. So I guess with the marriage question I am still lost of esteem considering my past and the mistakes that came along.

my heart withers when i read these words, i know many women who share your situation. none of us can say, "i know how you feel." what happened wasn't your fault or your doing, yet people don't understand. i cannot emphasize enough how important it is for you to find a husband that will be supportive of you. it is not too late to get help, my wife said yesterday that mid 20's is a time when many depression issues come to their strongest. work on your mental health and your Deen.

And yes I would always tell anyone who is going through hardships, to take apart in treatment; especially one that has activities like journal, and arts and crafts, because I know how hard it is to wake up every morning with the aches in your heart more than ever.

remember to include yourself in this advise. as you learn how to deal with your issues, you can really benefit others. have you ever listened to Qari Haroon Baqai? check him out:
http://www.kalamullah.com/haroon-baqai.html

Oh by the ways Sisters and Brothers,
I have decided to wear the hajiab! I think this will help me, be more closer to Allah, and help me learn more about Islam... I am of course a modest women, but I am doing this because I feel ready now! InshAllah

Alhamdulillah!

Imam Ahmad reported that Anas narrated that Allah's Messenger said:


«قَالَ اللهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ: يَا ابْنَ آدَمَ، إِنْ ذَكَرْتَنِي فِي نَفْسِكَ ذَكَرْتُك فِي نَفْسِي، إِنْ ذَكَرْتَنِي فِي مَلَإٍ ذكَرْتُكَ فِي مَلَإٍ مِنَ الْمَلَائِكَةِ أَوْ قَالَ: فِي مَلَإٍ خَيْرٍ مِنْهُ وَإِنْ دَنَوْتَ مِنِّي شِبْرًا دَنَوْتُ مِنْكَ ذِرَاعًا، وَإِنْ دَنَوْتَ مِنِّي ذِرَاعًا دَنَوْتُ مِنْكَ بَاعًا، وَإنْ أَتَيْتَنِي تَمْشِي أَتَيْتُكَ هَرْوَلَة»

(Allah the Exalted said, `O son of Adam! If you mention Me to yourself, I will mention you to Myself. If you mention Me in a gathering, I will mention you in a gathering of the angels (or said in a better gathering). If you draw closer to Me by a hand span, I will draw closer to you by forearm's length. If you draw closer to Me by a forearm's length, I will draw closer to you by an arm's length. And if you come to Me walking, I will come to you running).

:wa:

yusuf

[ardianto]

A woman's life that full of suffering could be something that invites sympathy from men, it's because men have instincts as savior and protector. But I do not suggest sisters to use their miserable life as weapon to get sympathy from men, because men dislike women who beg for sympathy or love.

[SFatima]

i would LOVE IT if a Shaykh applied this to mental health issues. it seems that culturally, women are treated as second class citizens around here. they do ALL of the housework and watch the kids. for me, it's a bit aggravating. some folks get really mad at me because i spend so much time taking care of my wife. my wife hears some of these phone conversations and it really angers her and it turns her off to Islam. i keep explaining to her that helping her is Islamic.

This is surprising..especially when you say your wife hasn't embraced Islam yet, how can she be expected to resort to something that she hasn't thought about or hasn't been able to make a mental decision about, as of yet..There is no compulsion in deen, it is for her come to it at her own pace if she wants to, nobody can force her.

As for this typical trend in muslim men , do not worry lol not all are like that, but I guess mostly from the Indian /Pakistan side, they tend to be like this Largely because this HAS been a very cultural area for the longest time. It has happened only now recently that people have started taking an interest in Islam ( the post 9/11 world events a great reason for people to refer back to religion, cuz honestly I saw none of it before, anywhere around me, wearing hijab was outdated, backward, and having an sunnah beard was the surest way to be called a social recluse, and to be shunned socially) Most people were just into routine stuff just like evreybody else in the world, carrying out the daily rituals that they were used to, besides heavily sticking to their culture and thinking of it to have come from deen.

One big reason of us muslim countries being so far away from the spirit of Islam a decade ago can also be largely attributed to the fact that Quran is NOT taught to us in our schools, at all. The only Quran we did get to read was from a govt appointed Qari, who had just as poor arabic as somebody who doesn't know arabic. Besides just learning the Arabic, it is sad to say none of us common people knew even the slightest arabic to our advantage, to even know what we were saying. So, since our culture taught us another language, and our culture was strongly influenced by Hinduism, the scenario was somewhat similar to hindu culture, since muslims of this are had lived hundred of years with the hindus of this region and a lot of cultural amalgamation took place centuries ago, without the subsequent generations knowing how to separate the true Islamic culture from the eastern culture which is based on myths and superstitions. e.g In my country, some muslims dont like to marry widows and divorced women, because they're considered bad omen, which is a pure hindu tradition, but it has creeped in an otherwise muslim society, un knowingly unadmittedly( people wont admit to this mostly). Another reason is the purely arranged marriage culture, a pure hindu tradition, where the bride and groom were not even allowed to see each other before marrying, the marital union was completely decided by the parents, and that too on parent's own choices, which lead to a lot of great marriages, along with some incompatible ones. Just recently people have gathered just about the strength to request to meet the prospective daughters /sons along with the whole families so that things are done amicably and any future trouble avoided.

But Alhamdulilah, now things are changing since people have atleast started to acquire religious knowledge from the recent onset of small scale private insitutues which focus on basic teachings of the Quran, their meanings and all related stuff. It is frustrating a lot of times to see un-islamic social attitudes to have been adopted by our people, but I guess it will take the hard work of a couple of islamically motivated generations to raise their kids on Islamic principles, in order to erase the slightly chauvinistic/superstitious mentality of the men from this region, which took centuries to imprint on their minds as cultural behaviours. Just describing you the reason why you see this thing common among muslim men of this region, please do not confuse these cultural practises with actual islam, 'cause they are not.

Even among all this cultural baggage there are many good practising muslims, and most of them stay back home :) living within their means, who don't aspire the American/british/european/ any other cultural dream like those who did and left all the practices of Islam behind in their pursuit of worldly happiness.

We should hope and pray for the best of all people who haven't had an ample chance to be acquainted with religion and try to inspire them for a better change InshAllah o Taa'la.

[Who Am I?]

A woman's life that full of suffering could be something that invites sympathy from men, it's because men have instincts as savior and protector. But I do not suggest sisters to use their miserable life as weapon to get sympathy from men, because men dislike women who beg for sympathy or love.

As a former White Knight myself, I can attest to this. I used to have this complex about saving distressed damsels.

But also keep in mind that there are many men out there who prey on vulnerable women like this as well. Watch yourself, because the sharks will close in when they smell blood. You have to be able to pick out the good guys from the bad ones, which is not easy sometimes. There are many bad guys disguised as good ones, a few good truly ones, and some like me who are sort of in the middle.

[Futuwwa]

White Knight? You mean, like, a White Knight of the Ku Klux Klan?

[ardianto]

But also keep in mind that there are many men out there who prey on vulnerable women like this as well. Watch yourself, because the sharks will close in when they smell blood. You have to be able to pick out the good guys from the bad ones, which is not easy sometimes. There are many bad guys disguised as good ones, a few good truly ones, and some like me who are sort of in the middle.

Yes, that's true, there are many men who prey on vulnerable women with act like savior.

But do you know ? one tactic that used by married men to get sympathy from another woman is create false stories that show if they live in marriage life that full of suffering. They tell that another woman if their wives treats them very bad and make them suffer. Of course it's not true. But many women believe those false stories and become their another wives or mistress because women have instinct to please men, and many women are too easy to believe what men say.

[Who Am I?]

White Knight? You mean, like, a White Knight of the Ku Klux Klan?

No. But I now see where you might think that.

A "White Knight" is a guy who has a complex about rescuing a distressed damsel. It comes from the old romantic notion of knights in shining armor riding a white horse (hence the "White" part) saving a fair maiden from an evil man or horrible monster.

I used to be such a guy in my younger days. I had this savior complex where I wanted to be every woman's champion. I only had good intentions. I wanted to find a woman who I could love and who would love me. But many men out there will pretend to be a bastion of chivalry for their own selfish purposes.

[FS123]

And now you are just angry white guy :p just joking...

[flowergarden]

thank you for taking the time to reply, Sister. one of the problems with treatment for depression, esp. for reverts or people close to Islam, is that they try to remember "happy things" in order to pull out of "nosedive" situations." Music is especially used. [if they were born Muslim, then Qur'an might be a more natural choice as they have memories of it.] Comedies also, laughing is a huge help. VERY few tunes or movies that a revert or non-Muslim favor are 100% halal in content, far from it some times. it DOES make for some awkward conversations as i try to explain why certain stuff is offensive and i let some stuff slide because she feels what she wants is "normal."

i really appreciated your comment on Muslim men in a previous post about how they wouldn't accept things about their wives that they have, in fact, done themselves. it's sad though, women are not private possessions. they are human beings and a great gift from Allah. that makes it hurtful and unjust to see the way victims of rape are treated.

Indeed brother Yusef's story is truly a touching and beautiful story. As for the treatment, I haven't gone to treatment. When I was raped I hid everything for a while, than decided to take it to court as I didn't want any girl to hurt the way I did...
I didn't go to treatment as I felt I would be weak, I know I needed it. But I just didn't want to come home from it having my family think I am crazy. I was really young and honestly when I think back, I know I would have been so much better taken treatment I probably wouldn't have made those mistakes...
that is why i took the time to post. i have learned alot from my wife and i recognized the pattern. you need to restore your high self esteem, it as taken from you. it shapes alot of your actions and reactions. sometimes ptsd doesn't go away, if you still have it treatment might be invaluable.

For me I would wake up every morning just wishing I would be someone else, and even days I would wish I were dead. It was a brutal assault and I was left with injustice even though I took it to court, when that happened I lost it. I lost faith, I lost myself. I felt the rape killed me yet my heart was still beating, and it took more than 6 years to accept it.. yet I didn't have faith nor any self esteem. So I guess with the marriage question I am still lost of esteem considering my past and the mistakes that came along.
my heart withers when i read these words, i know many women who share your situation. none of us can say, "i know how you feel." what happened wasn't your fault or your doing, yet people don't understand. i cannot emphasize enough how important it is for you to find a husband that will be supportive of you. it is not too late to get help, my wife said yesterday that mid 20's is a time when many depression issues come to their strongest. work on your mental health and your Deen.

And yes I would always tell anyone who is going through hardships, to take apart in treatment; especially one that has activities like journal, and arts and crafts, because I know how hard it is to wake up every morning with the aches in your heart more than ever.
remember to include yourself in this advise. as you learn how to deal with your issues, you can really benefit others. have you ever listened to Qari Haroon Baqai? check him out:
http://www.kalamullah.com/haroon-baqai.html


Alhamdulillah!

Imam Ahmad reported that Anas narrated that Allah's Messenger said:


«قَالَ اللهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ: يَا ابْنَ آدَمَ، إِنْ ذَكَرْتَنِي فِي نَفْسِكَ ذَكَرْتُك فِي نَفْسِي، إِنْ ذَكَرْتَنِي فِي مَلَإٍ ذكَرْتُكَ فِي مَلَإٍ مِنَ الْمَلَائِكَةِ أَوْ قَالَ: فِي مَلَإٍ خَيْرٍ مِنْهُ وَإِنْ دَنَوْتَ مِنِّي شِبْرًا دَنَوْتُ مِنْكَ ذِرَاعًا، وَإِنْ دَنَوْتَ مِنِّي ذِرَاعًا دَنَوْتُ مِنْكَ بَاعًا، وَإنْ أَتَيْتَنِي تَمْشِي أَتَيْتُكَ هَرْوَلَة»

(Allah the Exalted said, `O son of Adam! If you mention Me to yourself, I will mention you to Myself. If you mention Me in a gathering, I will mention you in a gathering of the angels (or said in a better gathering). If you draw closer to Me by a hand span, I will draw closer to you by forearm's length. If you draw closer to Me by a forearm's length, I will draw closer to you by an arm's length. And if you come to Me walking, I will come to you running).



yusuf

:wa:,
Thank you for your respond brother Yusuf. I don't really feel depressed, maybe I am, I don't know... But every time I think about me, I go back saying I am stupid because other people have it much worse. So I stay stronge and make the best of the day, keep myself busy and just study away! I don't mean to make you sad reading that I just wish I would just forget my mistake and forgive myself and see I am going in a path to help many people with a vast range of problems to seek justice! when you said...

people close to Islam, is that they try to remember "happy things" in order to pull out of "nosedive" situations." Music is especially used.

I still do that, especially with music, I like to listen to Sami Yusef Islamic singer... helps me stay clam. I hope to just stay in the path of at least trying to forgive myself, Inshallah this Ramadan helps me. So for Alhamdullah it has. Especially all the beautiful Muslim brothers and sister on this site have helped!
Brother Yusuf, your kindest really helps me and has touched my heart and I can't thank you enough!

A woman's life that full of suffering could be something that invites sympathy from men, it's because men have instincts as savior and protector. But I do not suggest sisters to use their miserable life as weapon to get sympathy from men, because men dislike women who beg for sympathy or love.

True, I have noticed this! However I really don't waman to marry me because he feel pity towards me.. I want tm to see a beautiful future with me, and not feel any sorrow! I can't really use my misery as a weapon, I don't find that a right thing to do! I want a man to marry me for me, sees I am different than girls that just show their goodies. I want a man to see I can hold my own and have a love for Islam with a beautiful enthusiasm towards learning more about it. I want a husband that will be there for me to as I will be for him... and I want to be there for my husband to make sure he doesn't fall, ad he will for me. But I see how my past can of help, lol.

As a former White Knight myself, I can attest to this. I used to have this complex about saving distressed damsels.

But also keep in mind that there are many men out there who prey on vulnerable women like this as well. Watch yourself, because the sharks will close in when they smell blood. You have to be able to pick out the good guys from the bad ones, which is not easy sometimes. There are many bad guys disguised as good ones, a few good truly ones, and some like me who are sort of in the middle.

Yes, very true! some boy (I wouldn't call them men!) do that and it angers me... because they usually do that with a good girl! :heated:
As I was once that girl and it just breaks my heart that was that weak, that sad, that broken, and that stupidimsad!

Thank you brothers and sisters for all the response and helping me!!! Jazak ALlah Khair! Allah bless you all and keep you in good health and protect you!

[flowergarden]

Brothers and sisters,
I wanted to ask you a question; I was thinking of opening a a new thread but than I thought it is better to just ask here since you all are helping me so much!

Is it normal to cry at night before you sleep? Not everyday but a lot of nights?

I don't know why I cry, sometimes it can be because of what has happened, of course other times because of my stupid dumb mistakes, and other times it is my fear of the future! I just don't know if it is normal, or if I should just somehow get a treatment, or a book that helps. I don't feel like this in the day, as I am usually cooking, or studying or at work- so I am busy, but than a memory pops up and I wish I had the capability to get rid of remembering, or my memory (kind of like the movie eternal sunshine of a spotless mind) but I just remember it, and I am sooooo dang hard on myself. I always deem myself lower standards. I always feel like the man I marry, I feel bad for him... I feel sometimes like an idiot and a bad person, a bad muslim...
I don't know why only at night, (I mean probably because I am keeping busy during the day) But can someone give me an idea of getting rid of this problem with out going to treatment?

JazakAllah Khayran! :statisfie

[YusufNoor]

Brothers and sisters,
I wanted to ask you a question; I was thinking of opening a a new thread but than I thought it is better to just ask here since you all are helping me so much!

Is it normal to cry at night before you sleep? Not everyday but a lot of nights?

I don't know why I cry, sometimes it can be because of what has happened, of course other times because of my stupid dumb mistakes, and other times it is my fear of the future! I just don't know if it is normal, or if I should just somehow get a treatment, or a book that helps. I don't feel like this in the day, as I am usually cooking, or studying or at work- so I am busy, but than a memory pops up and I wish I had the capability to get rid of remembering, or my memory (kind of like the movie eternal sunshine of a spotless mind) but I just remember it, and I am sooooo dang hard on myself. I always deem myself lower standards. I always feel like the man I marry, I feel bad for him... I feel sometimes like an idiot and a bad person, a bad muslim...
I don't know why only at night, (I mean probably because I am keeping busy during the day) But can someone give me an idea of getting rid of this problem with out going to treatment?

JazakAllah Khayran! :statisfie

:sl:

learn whatever you can about the 2nd Khalifa, Umar ibn al Khattab. i couldn't find it online, but there's a story about him. he was overheard sobbing in the Masjid. someone went close so they could here him. he was crying over past sins. crying because he had done them and crying because Allah had forgiven him. here's a small insight into his character:

Umar and Self Remorse

Once Umar was busy with some important affairs of the State, when a person came to him and, complaining about some petty grievance, asked for immediate redress.

Thus disturbed, Umar felt very much annoyed. He took the lash and struck the man saying:

"When I sit for redressing the grievances of the common men you do not come, and when I am engaged in other important work you come with your grievances to disturb me."

The person walked away in a sullen mood. When the man went away, Umar felt struck with remorse for having treated the man shabbily.

Umar ran after the man, and overtaking him handed him his lash and said:

"I have been hard on you and lashed you. You take this lash, and strike me so that the account may be squared."

The man was overwhelmed with the sense of justice of Umar. He said:

"O Commander of the Faithful, how can I raise my hand against you. I seek no revenge. I forgive you. May Allah forgive you."

Umar went home and offered a special prayer of repentance. He upbraided himself loudly:

"O Umar, you were low but Allah elevated you. You were wandering astray but Allah guided you. You were base but Allah ennobled you and gave you sovereignty over the people. Now one of them comes and asks you for requital for the harm done to him, and you beat him.

What answer would you give before Allah?"

Umar kept chiding himself long. Holding a straw in his hand he said:

"I wish, I were a straw like this." Turning to himself he said, "I wish my mother had not given birth to me."
Friends Who Could Straighten Him

True to the title 'Al-Farooq', Umar was an embodiment of truth. He did not hesitate to speak the truth, in the best interests of the Muslim State. Such truth was sometimes bitter, and the people held him in awe.

Some people understood him, and appreciated his sterling qualities of courage, conviction, and truthfulness. Some people misjudged him and felt that he was unduly hard and harsh with the people.

Umar knew that he was more feared than loved. Under a stern exterior, Umar had a heart full of the milk of human kindness. Whenever Umar came across a person who was in distress or was in any way oppressed, Umar was all sympathy for him, and he did all he could to alleviate his distress.

Umar did often reflect and ponder over the responsibilities that had come to vest in him and the way he discharged them. He did not feel very happy with the equation between himself and the people. He regretted that the people did not understand him properly.

Hudhaifa a prominent companion has left on record that one day he went to see Umar and found that he was feeling much perturbed. Seeing the disturbed state of the mind of Umar, Hudhaifa enquired as to what was the matter.

Umar said:

"I was feeling unhappy that the people have awe of me. They generally avoid me, and hesitate to bring my shortcomings to my notice. I was just thinking as to what, would happen if I were to fall in erroneous ways, and because of the awe that the people have of me, no one comes forward to restrain me."

Thereupon Hudhaifa said:

"Your awe is because of the truth at your command. If you deviate from the path of truth, the people will not be afraid to call you to account. Verily if I see that you are in the wrong, I will fix you up, and straighten you."

At this Umar felt very happy. He said:

"Thank God, there are friends who will straighten me when I err. If I have such friends around me, I need have no fear of falling into error."

http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/A...Self%20Remorse
http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/A...al_khattab.htm

i learned much from a series of lectures on Umar:

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...ulafah+Rashida

this brother also does the Seerah:

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...het+%28pbuh%29

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...wi%20%28saw%29

so, you don't actually have a problem. you are just like one of the greatest Sahabah that ever lived.

:wa:

yusuf

[Who Am I?]

And now you are just angry white guy :p just joking...

Well the difference is that now I am older, wiser, more cynical, and understand more of how the world works, and it frustrates and angers me sometimes.

:wa:,
Yes, very true! some boy (I wouldn't call them men!) do that and it angers me... because they usually do that with a good girl! :heated:
As I was once that girl and it just breaks my heart that was that weak, that sad, that broken, and that stupidimsad!

Thank you brothers and sisters for all the response and helping me!!! Jazak ALlah Khair! Allah bless you all and keep you in good health and protect you!

Ah, don't blame yourself, sister. Some men are just that good at smooth-talking that they can convince women to do almost anything.


:sl:

[kingkong]

Doesn't matter to me whether you are a technical virgin or a theoretical virgin or a pompous holier-than-thou virgin. Myself, I have had my share of virgins and, truth be told, having sexual intercourse with a virgin is nothing to write home about. Did I mention that I am not much into bragging rights either?

That's an absolutely disgusting comment to make and that kind of attitude is the reason why i pray that true virgins end up with virgins.

Whilst some virgins do have a bad attitude, the vast majority are pure and decent people and they deserve someone wjho'll be more than happy with their inexperience.

I can't believe there are people out there who think that virgins aren't good in every.

I take great offense to comments like yours, me being a virgin, I would be shattered if I made a move on the first night and my wife was disappointed, that would suck all life and energy out of me.

So I hope that people like you are in a minority.

It's fine trying to help others out with advice, but putting down virgins in the process? Very wrong.

[Futuwwa]

He wasn't putting down virgins, he was putting down the attitude that virginity itself is particularly special. Given a choice between a pious, good Muslima who's not a virgin and an impious woman who's a virgin only from lack of opportunity, I'd choose the former without any second thought.

I'm a virgin too. That's just how it is. I'm neither proud nor embarrassed about it.

[Futuwwa]

No. But I now see where you might think that.

A "White Knight" is a guy who has a complex about rescuing a distressed damsel. It comes from the old romantic notion of knights in shining armor riding a white horse (hence the "White" part) saving a fair maiden from an evil man or horrible monster.

I used to be such a guy in my younger days. I had this savior complex where I wanted to be every woman's champion. I only had good intentions. I wanted to find a woman who I could love and who would love me. But many men out there will pretend to be a bastion of chivalry for their own selfish purposes.

So what are you now? A red knight? One who's run out of plate armour wax and not bought any new since the shine won't show from under the bloodstains anyway?

I dread the thought of ending up in a situation where I'd have to save a damsel in distress. I'd probably get pummeled and the damsel remain just as much in distress afterward, but I'd be ****ed if I didn't try :hiding:

[Ali Mujahidin]

:sl:

To Brother Futuwwa,

Thank you for your reply.

To Brother Kingkong,

First my sincere apologies for having stirred up your ire through my bad command of English. Let me try to express myself more clearly.

Technical virgins or theoretical virgins or holier-than-thou virgins are probably mystical creatures that have never been encountered by pure virgins like you, so I will try to elaborate on each of them

Technical virgin

A person, usually female, who has experienced all sorts of sexual escapades and perversions and yet still retain a hymen, or had her hymen re-instated, whichever the case might be. A technical virgin is definitely not what a pure virgin like you would consider prime material for sharing your nuptial delights.

Theoretical virgin.

Not too much different from a technical virgin except for the absence of the hymen. This type of person insists on being listed as a virgin based on the sole qualification of being pure at heart. Something like "I know I have had all kinds of bed-shaking orgies with all kinds of men and women, but I am actually still a virgin because my heart is still pure and unsullied by all that filth." Again hardly the kind of matrimonial partner which a pure virgin like you may want to share the bridal chamber with.

Holier-than-thou virgin.

An actual virgin complete with intact hymen, never ever had any sexual experience and would most probably swoon at the sight of an upright candle-stick. Also over-zealously fixated on the erroneous notion that his or her state of purity guarantees him or her direct unquestioned entry into heaven. If you, Brother KingKong, were to look in the mirror, you might just find one staring back at you. Oh, yes, there is such a thing as a male hymen but elaborating on it here would be going way too far off-topic.

I think I will go and make myself a cup of coffee before I continue with this post. In the meantime, please feel free to comment, if you feel the urge to do so.

[YusufNoor]

This is surprising..especially when you say your wife hasn't embraced Islam yet, how can she be expected to resort to something that she hasn't thought about or hasn't been able to make a mental decision about, as of yet..There is no compulsion in deen, it is for her come to it at her own pace if she wants to, nobody can force her.

i answer because you appear to be such an intelligent, knowledgeable and wise Sister. i ponder this because my health prevents me from my natural and studied field, Culinary Arts, and is now putting the finishing touches on my current profession as a health care driver. my Wonderful wife desires that i seek to be declared permanently and completely handicapped. i am considering what would be the best use of my limited abilities that would benefit the most people and that my Sweet Wife would approve and encourage. my admiration for my Wife plus my known abilities point towards helping people or teaching or speaking on Islam. mental health is an area that seems to be a "black hole" for Muslims. my Loving Wife is very schooled in this arena and "improving" people lives and mental state is something that she does with every trip to the clinic. counselors are now seeking her advice despite all of the obstacles she has faced, as well as the result of those traumas. i ADMIRE her for all that she does and she INSPIRES me to pursue a similar course.

my Dear Wife is an extremely intelligent woman who thirsts for knowledge. she would erase all the pain in the world if she could. to her, religions seem to be one of the biggest causes of evil on the planet. SHE is the one encouraging me to speak on Islam. she detests all the "crap" you hear in the media, yet because her religious education was minimal and Catholics abound in superstition, she focuses on the bad. i spend much thought on how to present Islam to her and try to articulate the beauty of Islam in ways that "make perfect sense" to her. it's not easy, and it may take a lifetime, Allahu Alum. she is under no compulsion what so ever. i tell her that it is NOT in our power to convert anyone. we just try to give the Message. she will be guided, In Sha'a Allah, or not. it's not up to me.

As for this typical trend in muslim men , do not worry lol not all are like that, but I guess mostly from the Indian /Pakistan side, they tend to be like this Largely because this HAS been a very cultural area for the longest time. It has happened only now recently that people have started taking an interest in Islam ( the post 9/11 world events a great reason for people to refer back to religion, cuz honestly I saw none of it before, anywhere around me, wearing hijab was outdated, backward, and having an sunnah beard was the surest way to be called a social recluse, and to be shunned socially) Most people were just into routine stuff just like evreybody else in the world, carrying out the daily rituals that they were used to, besides heavily sticking to their culture and thinking of it to have come from deen.

One big reason of us muslim countries being so far away from the spirit of Islam a decade ago can also be largely attributed to the fact that Quran is NOT taught to us in our schools, at all. The only Quran we did get to read was from a govt appointed Qari, who had just as poor arabic as somebody who doesn't know arabic. Besides just learning the Arabic, it is sad to say none of us common people knew even the slightest arabic to our advantage, to even know what we were saying. So, since our culture taught us another language, and our culture was strongly influenced by Hinduism, the scenario was somewhat similar to hindu culture, since muslims of this are had lived hundred of years with the hindus of this region and a lot of cultural amalgamation took place centuries ago, without the subsequent generations knowing how to separate the true Islamic culture from the eastern culture which is based on myths and superstitions. e.g In my country, some muslims dont like to marry widows and divorced women, because they're considered bad omen, which is a pure hindu tradition, but it has creeped in an otherwise muslim society, un knowingly unadmittedly( people wont admit to this mostly). Another reason is the purely arranged marriage culture, a pure hindu tradition, where the bride and groom were not even allowed to see each other before marrying, the marital union was completely decided by the parents, and that too on parent's own choices, which lead to a lot of great marriages, along with some incompatible ones. Just recently people have gathered just about the strength to request to meet the prospective daughters /sons along with the whole families so that things are done amicably and any future trouble avoided.

But Alhamdulilah, now things are changing since people have atleast started to acquire religious knowledge from the recent onset of small scale private insitutues which focus on basic teachings of the Quran, their meanings and all related stuff. It is frustrating a lot of times to see un-islamic social attitudes to have been adopted by our people, but I guess it will take the hard work of a couple of islamically motivated generations to raise their kids on Islamic principles, in order to erase the slightly chauvinistic/superstitious mentality of the men from this region, which took centuries to imprint on their minds as cultural behaviours. Just describing you the reason why you see this thing common among muslim men of this region, please do not confuse these cultural practises with actual islam, 'cause they are not.

Even among all this cultural baggage there are many good practising muslims, and most of them stay back home :) living within their means, who don't aspire the American/british/european/ any other cultural dream like those who did and left all the practices of Islam behind in their pursuit of worldly happiness.

We should hope and pray for the best of all people who haven't had an ample chance to be acquainted with religion and try to inspire them for a better change InshAllah o Taa'la.

:sl:

the majority of the Muslims i am in contact with are from the horn of Africa, and then Indo/Pakistan. the best picture i can give you is: the brothers are in tank tops and shorts, while the sisters are in niqaab. it is from that viewpoint i must explain Islam to my Wonderful Wife. [it's not 100% accurate, but it conveys the dilemma.] the Brother seek to have me "destroy Christianity" rather than speak on the Wonder and Beauty of Islam. i once did that and i have decided to cease that and find a more positive formula.

i thank you for your words, JazakAllah Khayr and and note that you are indeed a Sister of substantial knowledge, May Allah increase you in that.

:wa:

Yusuf

[ardianto]

A "White Knight" is a guy who has a complex about rescuing a distressed damsel. It comes from the old romantic notion of knights in shining armor riding a white horse (hence the "White" part) saving a fair maiden from an evil man or horrible monster.

White Knight ? ..... hmm .... hmm ... hmm :hmm:

One day when I was young my friend told me about his female cousin who lived in a town that located in south of my city. Might be he was annoyed because I refused a girl from middle class family who he introduced to me. I did not attracted to that girl although she actually accepted me.

So, he tried to connect me with other girl who different. She was from poor family and has 11 siblings, her parents had divorced, and she must worked in small company with low salary to get money for her family. Amazingly the story about her made me want to know her further although I didn't know yet how she was. I felt like a knight who heard a lady asked for help. And I got a surprise when I meet her, she is more beautiful than my imagination, she never missed salah and always fast in monday and thursday.

But there was a problem, her mother wanted her marry a guy in arranged marriage. She told me she didn't want to marry that guy. So, I brought my mother and my uncle to meet her parents to explain I was serious to marry her, but I need more times to finish my study and get a job. Then I engaged with her although her mother actually did not approve me, and my mother against my decision to choose this girl. Only her dad who seemed like approve me.

One day she made a confession, she's a victim of sexual harassment when she was younger. She told me in detail how did they harass her. And from her another words I began to feel if she was raped too. Honestly, It's shocked me and annoyed my mind. But my love to her could overcome it. I realized, marriage is not only for one night, but until the death comes. I must accept her past no matter how bad it was. Yes, I very love her and even I often perform salah tahajud wish Allah makes her as my wife in the future.

However, something happened. A girl who lived in north area of my city was looking for her ex-classmate, someone who was her White Knight in the past. Coincidentally, her White Knight and 'The Girl From South' White Knight was the same person.

Later both of them knew other party existence. Situation was going worse. Finally The Girl From South left me and married a guy that chosen by her mother, and I married The Girl From North.


If you notice my post in page 5 you can find my wife had a bad past too. Her abusive ex-boyfriend treated her like a sex slave. And even after she left him, he still became trouble maker. There was a someone else who came to my wife's life before me. He was a govt officer with good salary and ready to marry. But not so long after they engaged, that ex-boyfriend came an told him story about my wife. Indeed, not every man is a knight. That govt officer left her because he couldn't accept her past.

So, she tried to find her White Knight who became a place to complain when her boyfriend treated her badly, who became a place to request when she wanted a new clothes or gifts. She was from poor family too. Even a year after she graduated from high school and then stayed at home because her parents couldn't afford to pay study fee in higher education, her White Knight came and pay her education fee in a computer course because her abusive boyfriend didn't care about it. And later this computer course becomes something that open her way to get a job. And had a job and income raised her courage to leave her abusive boyfriend.

Of course she was very disappointed when she found her White Knight had becomes a White Knight for another girl. But she didn't gives up, and finally she married her White Knight.


Actually, every man can be a White Knight. There is no man who born as White Knight. And if I become a White Knight, that because I grew up and live among gentlemen who always teach me how to treat woman nicely.

And never too old to be White Knight. There are many poor and suffered girls or widow out there. They are waiting for White Knight. Find her and marry her soon. Avoid pre-marital relationship. If my relationship with my wife started from friendship, it's because a destiny. That's why I always had a feeling I must care on her. :)

[ardianto]

That's an absolutely disgusting comment to make and that kind of attitude is the reason why i pray that true virgins end up with virgins.

Whilst some virgins do have a bad attitude, the vast majority are pure and decent people and they deserve someone wjho'll be more than happy with their inexperience.

I can't believe there are people out there who think that virgins aren't good in every.

I take great offense to comments like yours, me being a virgin, I would be shattered if I made a move on the first night and my wife was disappointed, that would suck all life and energy out of me.

So I hope that people like you are in a minority.

It's fine trying to help others out with advice, but putting down virgins in the process? Very wrong.

There are two non-virgin girls who we can marry. One, girl who made mistake in the past but has been repent. Second, girl who lost her virginity because rape.

I understand if a man want to have virgin wife. But marriage is not only for one night. Marriage is a relationship until the death comes. I know, it's not easy to accept our wives past. But we married our wives for today and for the future, not for the past. And actually, accept the wife's past is the first test for the husband. If the husband failed in this first test, he will be fail in the next tests.

We will never know what will happen to our wives in the future. Maybe they will get accident or illness that makes them lose their beauty or becomes imperfect. But we can't leave them just because something that they never expect happen to them. And if we can accept their past, it will makes us easy to accept everything that happen to them in the future.

I totally agree, we must guard our virginity until the first night. However, if we have meet our potential wives, but they make a honest confession they are not virgin, will we leave them or still love them ?

If we want to be loved, we must able to love. :)

[flowergarden]

Quote Originally Posted by kingkong View Post
That's an absolutely disgusting comment to make and that kind of attitude is the reason why i pray that true virgins end up with virgins.

Whilst some virgins do have a bad attitude, the vast majority are pure and decent people and they deserve someone wjho'll be more than happy with their inexperience.

I can't believe there are people out there who think that virgins aren't good in every.

I take great offense to comments like yours, me being a virgin, I would be shattered if I made a move on the first night and my wife was disappointed, that would suck all life and energy out of me.

So I hope that people like you are in a minority.

It's fine trying to help others out with advice, but putting down virgins in the process? Very wrong.
There are two non-virgin girls who we can marry. One, girl who made mistake in the past but has been repent. Second, girl who lost her virginity because rape.

I understand if a man want to have virgin wife. But marriage is not only for one night. Marriage is a relationship until the death comes. I know, it's not easy to accept our wives past. But we married our wives for today and for the future, not for the past. And actually, accept the wife's past is the first test for the husband. If the husband failed in this first test, he will be fail in the next tests.

We will never know what will happen to our wives in the future. Maybe they will get accident or illness that makes them lose their beauty or becomes imperfect. But we can't leave them just because something that they never expect happen to them. And if we can accept their past, it will makes us easy to accept everything that happen to them in the future.

I totally agree, we must guard our virginity until the first night. However, if we have meet our potential wives, but they make a honest confession they are not virgin, will we leave them or still love them ?

If we want to be loved, we must able to love.

KingKong, please don't take it to offense. But please let there be no fighting or anything of such on this thread.

Yes I made a mistake, and Kingkong it is men like you who make me feel like I will never be married! imsad I am not a bad person but I had issues in my past, I fell, I made a mistake, but only Allah know how much of a good person I am. How much compassion I have in my heart. How Much love I have for Allah is only know to Him.
So I was raped, and I can admit to you and anyone reading this it caused me to make mistakes. It is hard for me to forgive myself for the stupidity, but because I thought a jerk would keep his word and marry me, yet left me instead in a cowardly way (via text), his manipulative ways hurt me...

so when you say I pray this and that... it makes me feel you pray I would never get a good man, because of my past. My heart hurts so much when I read your comment because it makes me feel like a dirty girl, and I am FAR FAR FAR from that. I made mistake because being rape truly sinks you in, it changes you, and in my case I didn't even have consoling, so what happened I had to work so hard to where I am today.

So Mr. Kingkong, if you met a women like me, a law student not only helping women but helping men, a good Muslim women who learned on her own to pray, a Muslim women who was raped and yes made one mistake which she repenting! It is doddle noted there are guys like you that would turn me down the moment you found out that but Please do me a favor and realize that I am trying to mend from a hard position, I am trying to love myself and believe I will have a good man at my side one day.

Allah sees everything, and yes we should guard our virginity... and I don't know how to say it besides- my pants have not been off before, I don't have experiance in any of that... yet I feel like some of the comments are pretending to me..imsad And when I say Allah sees everything, He sees that I am a good girl that had a lot of bad things happen to her, and you know what I took it because I am strong!!!!! I am a very strong girl. If Allah loves people he puts them to trial, He test them and place them in difficulty.Those who if in any difficulty or trial, or tribulation occurs to them or happens to them, they say: 'Verily We are from Allah and to Allah we return.' They are those who will receive prayers from their Lord and Mercy and it is those who are guided

So all these comments are not helping me... if only you knew the stuff I have gone through and for you to feel offended for a comment that WAS NOT putting down any one is truly hurtful to me knowing you read my story and I am not asking for fights I am asking for help and help to heal.
You read my story and didn't realize I am reading this... Not realizing it hurts!

So if anyone who has a comment that doesn't help me, or isn't about any other conversation above, or is a mean comment that will hurt anyone please do yourself and me a favor and don't comment... as others probably read this thread you have been in a similar situation and want advice!

JazakAllah Khair!


Thank you for your comments Ardianto! Jazak Allah Khair!

Allah bless every One

EID MUBARAK!!!! InshAllah everyone has a blessed Eid with loved one near, may this year be a humbled, blessed, and blissful one! May all of you always be protected and May allah grant you all your prayers, goals, dreams and wishes!

[flowergarden]

learn whatever you can about the 2nd Khalifa, Umar ibn al Khattab. i couldn't find it online, but there's a story about him. he was overheard sobbing in the Masjid. someone went close so they could here him. he was crying over past sins. crying because he had done them and crying because Allah had forgiven him. here's a small insight into his character:

JazakAllah Khair for your time in helping me.... This is very nice of you and I loved reading this. I actually didn't know about this! :) I like the links you have provided as well... I will go on them here an there when I am not studying! :D

[kingkong]

Yes I made a mistake, and Kingkong it is men like you who make me feel like I will never be married!

You're entitled to marry whomsoever you want provided they want to marry you and they are Muslim.

Like I said in the previous comment, due to the same level of experience - none in the case of virgins, to avoid awkwardness it's often wise for 2 virgins to marry.

There are 3 three reasons why most people remain virgins.

1. To please Allah and in the process earn entry into Jannah.

2. To be pure for their wife/husband on their wedding night.
3. To hopefully find someone of a likewise background, so they may learn about intimacy together and not feel like they have total lack of knowledge won't be able to please and their partner knows it all, which is why I want a virgin.

I'm sure there are many many men who will look past your background, there are people out there with far worse backgrounds. They are men of great patience and good character, you will be treated rightly by them.

[Ali Mujahidin]

Like I said in the previous comment, due to the same level of experience - none in the case of virgins, to avoid awkwardness it's often wise for 2 virgins to marry.

There are 3 three reasons why most people remain virgins.

1. To please Allah and in the process earn entry into Jannah.

2. To be pure for their wife/husband on their wedding night.
3. To hopefully find someone of a likewise background, so they may learn about intimacy together and not feel like they have total lack of knowledge won't be able to please and their partner knows it all, which is why I want a virgin.

:sl:

I might most probably be wrong but I seem to detect from the tone of your post that you are under the impression that non-virgins are not as good as virgins. Allow me to remind you of some facts:

1. The Holy Prophet s.a.w., himself, was not a virgin on the first night of all his marriages except the first one to Khadijah a.s.

2. All the Holy Prophet's wives were not virgins on the first night of their marriages to the Holy Prophet, except for Aishah a.s.

3. A non-virgin is not necessarily a fornicator just as a virgin is not necessarily a non-fornicator.

4. There are four things stated by the Holy Prophet as reasons why a man chooses a particular woman to marry. Sexual experience or sexual prowess or sexual satisfaction or the lack thereof is definitely not one of the four reasons.

5. Your fixation on the sexual experience or lack thereof of one or both of the marital partners on the first night of marriage as a contributing factor to the sexual satisfaction of their first union does not have any basis in Islam whatsoever and in actual detracts from the meaning and objective of marriage in Islam.

Having said that, I will be the first one to admit that I, myself, might most probably be totally mistaken about what I have said above. Please do not hesitate to correct me so that I may learn from my mistakes. WaLLahu aklam.

[flowergarden]

You're entitled to marry whomsoever you want provided they want to marry you and they are Muslim.

Like I said in the previous comment, due to the same level of experience - none in the case of virgins, to avoid awkwardness it's often wise for 2 virgins to marry.

There are 3 three reasons why most people remain virgins.

1. To please Allah and in the process earn entry into Jannah.

2. To be pure for their wife/husband on their wedding night.
3. To hopefully find someone of a likewise background, so they may learn about intimacy together and not feel like they have total lack of knowledge won't be able to please and their partner knows it all, which is why I want a virgin.

I'm sure there are many many men who will look past your background, there are people out there with far worse backgrounds. They are men of great patience and good character, you will be treated rightly by them.

Please if you don't have anything else to say than nothing should be said anymore... You obviously don't understand what I have said... Number one I am a virgin! So by you saying "

I'm sure there are many many men who will look past your background, there are people out there with far worse backgrounds.

Are you trying to say that I only deserve a man who has a far worse background?

Maybe I am just taking this wrongly, but Brother you are NOT helping me! I know why people stay virgins, but once you settle in my shoes and know my history than go ahead and say who deserves who!

But how about I give you a story to think of, I know a man who lost interest in a women (muslim) because she was raped (not me a women who I helped). So he married a virgin who was just like you (a virgin for a virgin). While the women he rejected for stupid reasons moved on and now is happily married with a proprous career, the other man who deemed my friend and me bad women because we work and we both had a tragic past, he's oh so great virgin wife cheated on him with 3 different men. To top it all off, we help the young man get a divorce (lawfully) and gain child custody of his child.

So as much as your putting me down for having a tragic past, I raise my head and know that a man who comes along with me the lucky one....

please refrain from responding, this is my thread to HELP me, not put me down. God bless and take care!

[flowergarden]

Brothers and Sisters, I would love it for advice here! Nice saying stuff like that. Keep the nice mood going.

**Please no more replies to what was said before! For the sake of Allah- those hurt me!:heated: If everyone has said Allah forgive a true repentence, I'm sure Allah see me as true good muslimah, InshAllah I am trying my best!

Allah loves those who repent for their sins, and I truly feel if what happened to me never happened, I wouldn't be as religious nor would I have such a big love for Allah! I also read in the Qur'an, Allah has(stw) said that when a person repents over his / her sins and commits not to repeat them then he / she becomes as pure as a new born.

So if anyone judges anyone for their past is a mistake in their part!


It is hard to forgive myself, but Allah is with me!

Allah bless all you have helped me and continue to try to help!

[kingkong]

Please if you don't have anything else to say than nothing should be said anymore... You obviously don't understand what I have said... Number one I am a virgin! So by you saying "

Are you trying to say that I only deserve a man who has a far worse background?

The virgin talk was disgressing from the original topic it was in response to thisoldman, not you. So stop thinking I'm talking about you.

You deserve whatever you deserve. Who am I to say what you can and cannot have.

[ardianto]

**Please no more replies to what was said before! For the sake of Allah- those hurt me!

You can make a request to moderator to close this thread, and let those who want to discuss about virginity to make a new thread.

:)

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

I'm going to share a little personal information. I hope you don't mind (well too bad because I'm sharing it anyway).

I was a virgin for a long time. All through my teens and my 20's in fact. Finally I turned 30 and was still a virgin, and I couldn't stand it anymore. As a man in Western culture, people think you're gay if you don't have a girlfriend in your 20's and 30's, and to be a virgin in that kind of society is social suicide.

So I called a girl I had been talking to online. I have since been with two other women besides. I am not a virgin anymore, but I don't feel any better or worse about myself. I'm still the same guy that I was before (well you know, except for the whole Muslim part).

I am no longer a White Knight. More like a Grey Knight now. My armor is tarnished and stained with blood and dirt from my many battles and sins. Honestly, I don't even feel worthy of anyone right now. I have my issues with myself and with marriage in general.

I am trying to work on that, but it will not be an easy fight.

Sister flowergarden, keep the faith. I would still marry a muslimah like you if I thought I could.

[ardianto]

I am no longer a White Knight. More like a Grey Knight now. My armor is tarnished and stained with blood and dirt from my many battles and sins. Honestly, I don't even feel worthy of anyone right now. I have my issues with myself and with marriage in general.

:sl:

I hope my story did not make you feel 'small'. But if that happened, I am really sorry. Please forgive me.

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

I hope my story did not make you feel 'small'. But if that happened, I am really sorry. Please forgive me.

:sl:

Not at all, brother. If anything, your story is an inspiration to me. No, my own past is just that: mine. It has nothing to do with anyone else here. This is not your fault or anyone else's but my own.

[Futuwwa]

The virgin talk was disgressing from the original topic it was in response to thisoldman, not you. So stop thinking I'm talking about you.

You deserve whatever you deserve. Who am I to say what you can and cannot have.

You are hurting a sister who is in need of help, comfort and understanding. It's irrelevant that your argument is with someone else than her. It's even irrelevant whether you're right or wrong. You're hurting, and can't bring yourself to stop even after the first reply after which she said so directly. Get lost.

If this thread was in real life, the white, grey, red and black knights here would already have cut you to tiny bits.

[flowergarden]

You are hurting a sister who is in need of help, comfort and understanding. It's irrelevant that your argument is with someone else than her. It's even irrelevant whether you're right or wrong. You're hurting, and can't bring yourself to stop even after the first reply after which she said so directly. Get lost.

If this thread was in real life, the white, grey, red and black knights here would already have cut you to tiny bits.

Thank you Brother Futuwwa for standing up for me. It means a lot.

I didn't want any fights or heated discussion, I just want some healing. And Alhamullah the brothers and sisters like you have helped me. It will take time but I am on my way!

Thank you again. Allah bless you, and Eid Mubarak

[Futuwwa]

Allah bless you too sister.

I think the best possible healer is your husband-to-be. If he is a good husband, your sorrows will drown in marital bliss :statisfie

[Abdul-Raouf]

SALAM ALAIKKUM
PEOPLE asks me what do I prepare for my husband for dinner etc, I said when I was single 'I wasnt cooking for myself, why would I cook now? Isnt it one of the reason why I marry is for my husband to arrange my food on daily basis?' lol
:D
I do wish to cook for him but I am not gifted, but bear in mind, whatever i cook (hmm once a month?), my husband would finished them, yay!

Off-topic : He did his best... with the attitude : Its just once a month.. lets not disappoint.. (jus take the humour alone pls :))

[Abdul-Raouf]

I feel its better to tell him.. before marriage.
A good knowledgeable muslim would accept you... if he is capable enough to take his own decision.

But when he is dependent on others i.e. family.. his decision might differ.

Now..atlast...If this guy.. gos aways from you after you had told.
Accept it.. and just move on.Not All marriages happen as we wish... Decisions are with ALLAH.
Sister, Join your local..nearest islamic council...try to be in a deen environment..it will make ur eeman strong.......do dua..repent...and dont worry much.. ALLAH will give you a Good life partner.

Though we have right intentions before we start an action... there is a chance that our actions my differ. ALLAH sees our intention..and HE understands us very well.... but for human only actions are visible...Never ever loose hope... BE POSITIVE(FAITH in ALLAH) ..ALWAYS.. watever happens involuntarily.

... ALLAH tests a muslim more with islam.. cos HE likes that muslim more.

[flowergarden]

Allah bless you too sister.

I think the best possible healer is your husband-to-be. If he is a good husband, your sorrows will drown in marital bliss

I believe the same thing, I feel once I find that person, who ever he may be. I will heal completely, some I just don't know if I should let him know of my past? I don't want to risk anything. But Allah knows best, and I feel when everyone says leave your sins between yourself and Allah is best!?!

[flowergarden]

I feel its better to tell him.. before marriage.
A good knowledgeable muslim would accept you... if he is capable enough to take his own decision.

But when he is dependent on others i.e. family.. his decision might differ.

Now..atlast...If this guy.. gos aways from you after you had told.
Accept it.. and just move on.Not All marriages happen as we wish... Decisions are with ALLAH.
Sister, Join your local..nearest islamic council...try to be in a deen environment..it will make ur eeman strong.......do dua..repent...and dont worry much.. ALLAH will give you a Good life partner.

Though we have right intentions before we start an action... there is a chance that our actions my differ. ALLAH sees our intention..and HE understands us very well.... but for human only actions are visible...Never ever loose hope... BE POSITIVE(FAITH in ALLAH) ..ALWAYS.. watever happens involuntarily.

... ALLAH tests a muslim more with islam.. cos HE likes that muslim more.

Salaam brother!

Thank you for your reply! I fear telling him because I wouldn't want to ruin anything! But I know Allah knows best!
How do you tell the person you want to spend the rest of your life with that you made mistakes yet those mistakes are NOWHERE near who you are today?

I'd never decive my future husband but I don't want him thinking I would do anything bad, nor do I want him to hold that against me in any future situations (ex fights- its normal to fight, he could bring it up).

I would tell him, to feel better and have him know, but it is risky! At this point in my life, I am just trying to not think any man I cared for would judge me in such way, yet I always feel no man would dare to try to care back for me! Weird I know... But Alhamduillah I have faith in Allah and I repent!

[ardianto]

Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him.

Good ! :thumbs_up

The first food that made by my wife was instant pudding, and she failed in her first attempt !. No wonder, her family was spoiling her and she never made any food before. Then she made again, succeed, and she brought that pudding to me when I was hospitalized because typhus. It's was happened before I married her, and actually she made that pudding as her attempt to regain her White Knight. :D

I appreciated it, and then she started to learn cooking seriously. I still remember, in the first months of our marriage, she often asked me what food that I want to eat ?. And she tried to make that food. Until now, except when she need a rest she always cook for our family.

Unfortunately, many women are understand yet, meaning of cooking for the husbands is more than only feed them, but this is a kind of dedication from the wives to the husbands. Cook for the husbands is something that can make the husbands always love their wives.

So sister, if you have a good intention to cook for your husband, you don't need to be worry about your future husband.

May Allah give you a good pious man as your husband. Ameen.

:)

[Ali Mujahidin]

:sl:

Here's a somewhat off-beat viewpoint regarding wives cooking for their husbands.

Let's face it. How many times do you make love a day? Maybe three times a day when you are young but definitely as time goes by, the frequency drops, maybe even to just once a month.

How many times do you eat a day? Maybe three times a day. And after many years of marriage, does your frequency of eating drop to once a month? No, even after twenty years of marriage, you are still eating, maybe three times a day, or, perhaps, twice a day.

So wives who do not like to cook for their husbands are missing on a great opportunity to contribute to the quality of life of their husbands (and their own, too, for the simple reason that happy husbands are more likely to make their wives happy as well).

Right?

[ardianto]

Alhamdulillah, I have a wife who loves to cook for me. And after eating she always gave me her sweetest smile and told me "Don't forget to wash the dishes".

[Endymion]

Assalam Alekum my respected sister.

If you want to be rightly guided,you should consult Quran and Sunnah in this matter.We all are humans,we try to be kind towards our brothers and sisters in Islam but even we dont know our selves as better as Allah SWT can as He SWT is Aalim Al Ghiab.
My dear sister,i did'nt read all the replies but few and i can see that some brothers told you that they can forgive and forget such a thing and will accept a women like you but believe me,they are unable to do that.When Prophet Muhammad SWT,The one whose behavior is Quran and Who was sent down as a blessing, did not trust his beloved wife Ayesha RA for such a slander,then no other man is capable of doing this.We all love our brothers and sister,respect them and try to give them ease,but we are unable to change our nature.This is Men nature that he cannot forgive such a thing in spite of you are still chaste Mashallah and nothing wrong happened to you.
To understand my point correctly,you need to read the "Story of Ifk" in which,our chaste Mother faced a false accusation and which even confused and offend Prophet Muhammad SAW and He SAW did not believe in the chastity of Ayesha RA untill Allah SWT sent down a Ayah in Surah Al-Noor in which Allah SWT testify her chastity and showed His Anger on Mumineen as they did not help Ayesha RA prove it and called it a lie.

(24:12) When you heard of it, why did the believing men and women not think well of their own folk12 and say: "This is a manifest calumny?"13

If you are unaware of this story,you should read this.

http://qaazi.wordpress.com/2008/08/2...ry-of-the-ifk/

No matter what happened to you and about the sin you commit,this is a matter between you and Allah SWT only.Ask his forgiveness and he will forgive you no matter how great your sin is.But this is your responsibility to not open your private matters before people which Allah SWT hide by His Mercy other wise you will regret.Always remember that if you have your secret between you and Allah SWT only,you are the slave of Allah SWT only,but if you open it before anyone,you will become the slave of that person.
Never ever say this to anyone,not even before your Parents and your siblings.There is no sin not informing your future husband of what has done but it will be a huge mistake.As you said all that here to take advice,as a sister i advice you to deactivate this id after having your answer and do not give people your personal information.Id you wanna stay here,create another id.Always remeber that we all are humans after all and we might leak your secret.Love people,respect them but never share your secret with anyone.People forgive but they never forget and whenever Sheytan occupy then,they hurt others with their speeches and their acts.
Always remember that we all are sinner,but the worst sinner is he who open something that was hide by Allah SWT.Ask Allah to forgive you and He The Most Merciful will forgive you no matter how great your sin is.Ask him to help you and He SWT will help you like no other can.So put your trust in Allah SWT,offer Istikhara prayer to ask Him what to do next.If you have a proposal,He SWT will guide you whether he is ok for you or not.Trust Him Almighty and go with the divine guidance.Again never ever say all this before anyone in spite of you are blessed and rescued but keep it hidden always.

This is the best advise i can give you as this is according to Quran and SUnnah.May Allah SWT protect you from all bad people and bad deeds and guide you the best way and help you and never leave you alone.Amen.

[Who Am I?]

I believe the same thing, I feel once I find that person, who ever he may be. I will heal completely, some I just don't know if I should let him know of my past? I don't want to risk anything. But Allah knows best, and I feel when everyone says leave your sins between yourself and Allah is best!?!

:sl:

I don't think you have to tell anyone about your past, and if a man truly cares, he won't ask. I know if it was me (for example), I wouldn't ask you, and I wouldn't expect you to tell me anything. The past is the past. Bury it and let it lie with the dinosaurs.

Just don't try to Jurassic Park it and make it come back. Take the books and movies as a lesson there. Let those old bones lie.

[MartyrX]

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't care. If you choose to tell your future husband and he doesn't care, then more power to him. I firmly believe what is in the past, stays in the past.

[Ali Mujahidin]

:sl:

ThisOldman doesn't care either. For one thing I, myself, am not pure like the driven snow. The most important thing, though, is that everyone is entitled to a second chance. And a third. And a fourth ...

The way I see it, Islam is full of guidelines on how to start all over again. And again. Forgiveness is a major theme in Islam. The only caveat is that we must be sincere in wanting to seek Allah's grace and forgiveness. And if we should ever relapse, we should not collapse in despair. Allah loves us without limit and without end. WaLLahu aklam.

[ardianto]

I firmly believe what is in the past, stays in the past.

That's why I give all my love only to my wife. The past has becomes someone else wife. :p

[Who Am I?]

That's why I give all my love only to my wife. The past has becomes someone else wife. :p

:sl:

This reminds me of an old song that I used to sing to myself about myself.

"To all of the girls I've loved in life, who now are someone else's wife."

[Futuwwa]

Oh, wait. I came to think of something. There's a story from the time of Caliph Omar ibn al-Khattab. He was approached by a man whose daughter had committed zina, but since then repented dearly, even been depressed to the point of attempting suicide. The girl had since then become very pious. She had started getting courted by suitors. The father was wondering, should he tell about her sin to any man who asks for her hand in marriage? He thought, do they have a right to know what they get? Omar answered "If she has repented and her sin is not widely known, then Allah has seen fit to hide it. You should not have told me. If you tell anyone about it, I will convict and punish you for slandering a chaste woman."

No, I don't have a reference for that. I just heard it during friday prayers at the mosque.

[Futuwwa]

Though, sister flowergarden, if I were you I would tell him. You are hurting, and you need healing. If you hide your feelings and won't let him into you, how can you emotionally connect? If you are unhappy and he doesn't know the reason for it, he might think it has to do with him.

You are within your rights not to tell him anything, but I think you should anyway, for your own good. Frankly, I would expect him to think even better of you afterward. If what you say about yourself is even half-accurate, you are exceptionally pious, your repentance and devotion at improving outweighing your sin many times over. Let him complete your healing, and you will be happily married ever after :statisfie

[Ali Mujahidin]

:sl:

Myself, when I meet a new friend, I will tell him all the bad news about me. I let him find out the good news by himself. This way he would have some pleasant surprises as our friendship progresses. If I had told him all the good news about myself and he later found out the bad news about me, the surprises would have be unpleasant. Wouldn't it? WaLLahu aklam.

[noorseeker]

This thread is 9 pages long :hmm:

[flowergarden]

The first food that made by my wife was instant pudding, and she failed in her first attempt !. No wonder, her family was spoiling her and she never made any food before. Then she made again, succeed, and she brought that pudding to me when I was hospitalized because typhus. It's was happened before I married her, and actually she made that pudding as her attempt to regain her White Knight.

I appreciated it, and then she started to learn cooking seriously. I still remember, in the first months of our marriage, she often asked me what food that I want to eat ?. And she tried to make that food. Until now, except when she need a rest she always cook for our family.

Unfortunately, many women are understand yet, meaning of cooking for the husbands is more than only feed them, but this is a kind of dedication from the wives to the husbands. Cook for the husbands is something that can make the husbands always love their wives.

So sister, if you have a good intention to cook for your husband, you don't need to be worry about your future husband.

May Allah give you a good pious man as your husband. Ameen.

Jazak Allah khair. Yes my intentions are right. Alhamdullah. InshAllah, your a great help and may Allah always be with you and His blessing upon you! It means alot that you take the time to help me.
It means a lot to me that everyone is helping me. JazakAllah Khair. May Allah always bless you brothers and sisters.

Here's a somewhat off-beat viewpoint regarding wives cooking for their husbands.

Let's face it. How many times do you make love a day? Maybe three times a day when you are young but definitely as time goes by, the frequency drops, maybe even to just once a month.

How many times do you eat a day? Maybe three times a day. And after many years of marriage, does your frequency of eating drop to once a month? No, even after twenty years of marriage, you are still eating, maybe three times a day, or, perhaps, twice a day.

So wives who do not like to cook for their husbands are missing on a great opportunity to contribute to the quality of life of their husbands (and their own, too, for the simple reason that happy husbands are more likely to make their wives happy as well).

Right?

You're right! And to be honest I never thought of it that way. I don't know about the first part of your question, I assume it is right with age! but I know the saying the way to a man's heart is through his stomach but I never looked at it in the perspective as you have put it.. Thanks! Marriage is a beautiful thing, and to me to fed my husband when he is hungry instead of him not eating or eatng a nasty frozen food- I would like him to eat a nice plate of warm comforting food! :statisfie

[flowergarden]

Assalam Alekum my respected sister.

If you want to be rightly guided,you should consult Quran and Sunnah in this matter.We all are humans,we try to be kind towards our brothers and sisters in Islam but even we dont know our selves as better as Allah SWT can as He SWT is Aalim Al Ghiab.
My dear sister,i did'nt read all the replies but few and i can see that some brothers told you that they can forgive and forget such a thing and will accept a women like you but believe me,they are unable to do that.When Prophet Muhammad SWT,The one whose behavior is Quran and Who was sent down as a blessing, did not trust his beloved wife Ayesha RA for such a slander,then no other man is capable of doing this.We all love our brothers and sister,respect them and try to give them ease,but we are unable to change our nature.This is Men nature that he cannot forgive such a thing in spite of you are still chaste Mashallah and nothing wrong happened to you.
To understand my point correctly,you need to read the "Story of Ifk" in which,our chaste Mother faced a false accusation and which even confused and offend Prophet Muhammad SAW and He SAW did not believe in the chastity of Ayesha RA untill Allah SWT sent down a Ayah in Surah Al-Noor in which Allah SWT testify her chastity and showed His Anger on Mumineen as they did not help Ayesha RA prove it and called it a lie.

(24:12) When you heard of it, why did the believing men and women not think well of their own folk12 and say: "This is a manifest calumny?"13
If you are unaware of this story,you should read this.

http://qaazi.wordpress.com/2008/08/2...ry-of-the-ifk/

No matter what happened to you and about the sin you commit,this is a matter between you and Allah SWT only.Ask his forgiveness and he will forgive you no matter how great your sin is.But this is your responsibility to not open your private matters before people which Allah SWT hide by His Mercy other wise you will regret.Always remember that if you have your secret between you and Allah SWT only,you are the slave of Allah SWT only,but if you open it before anyone,you will become the slave of that person.
Never ever say this to anyone,not even before your Parents and your siblings.There is no sin not informing your future husband of what has done but it will be a huge mistake.As you said all that here to take advice,as a sister i advice you to deactivate this id after having your answer and do not give people your personal information.Id you wanna stay here,create another id.Always remeber that we all are humans after all and we might leak your secret.Love people,respect them but never share your secret with anyone.People forgive but they never forget and whenever Sheytan occupy then,they hurt others with their speeches and their acts.
Always remember that we all are sinner,but the worst sinner is he who open something that was hide by Allah SWT.Ask Allah to forgive you and He The Most Merciful will forgive you no matter how great your sin is.Ask him to help you and He SWT will help you like no other can.So put your trust in Allah SWT,offer Istikhara prayer to ask Him what to do next.If you have a proposal,He SWT will guide you whether he is ok for you or not.Trust Him Almighty and go with the divine guidance.Again never ever say all this before anyone in spite of you are blessed and rescued but keep it hidden always.

This is the best advise i can give you as this is according to Quran and SUnnah.May Allah SWT protect you from all bad people and bad deeds and guide you the best way and help you and never leave you alone.Amen.

Salaam Wa Alaikum sister, Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my concerns. I understand what you are saying, and you're right but I came here for somewhat comfort and Alhmadullah I have got it.

i can see that some brothers told you that they can forgive and forget such a thing and will accept a women like you ood girlbut believe me,they are unable to do that.When Prophet Muhammad SWT,

And that is what I worry about... I know I didn't do anything wrong, I just went through really something very hard and it effected me... But I just worry about not being blessed with a man, a good pious man. I am a good girl and Alhamdullah I don't think I would be as religious today had it not been for my past... so in a way it truly help me see the beauty of Islam, and the light!

You're right and very wise and I thank you for you help and your wise advice to me... I truly thank you sister! May Allah bless you and always protect you. JazakAllah Khair for you help

[flowergarden]

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't care. If you choose to tell your future husband and he doesn't care, then more power to him. I firmly believe what is in the past, stays in the past.

I
am slowly seeing the past should stay in the past. This thread is really helping me heal, and teaching me a lot about stories of Islam! JazakAllah Khair

The way I see it, Islam is full of guidelines on how to start all over again. And again. Forgiveness is a major theme in Islam. The only caveat is that we must be sincere in wanting to seek Allah's grace and forgiveness. And if we should ever relapse, we should not collapse in despair. Allah loves us without limit and without end. WaLLahu aklam.

Very true, I feel that had my past been different, I would be in guide of Islam... nor would I be as faithful Alhamdullah I am so faithful to Allah and fear Him and seek his forgiveness!

But I don't think my husband will be told of the past, I don't think he needs to know- maybe just the rape, but with the depression and the fall, I think I may keep it between Allah and I.

Sometimes saying the bad news first the person is turned off and doesn't want to know the good news in you! people can be very closed off...

[flowergarden]

This thread is 9 pages long

yes 9 beautiful pages to help me!

[Futuwwa]

yes 9 beautiful pages to help me!

And let's make it ten :statisfie Everyone pile in and quote this! :D

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

And let's make it ten Everyone pile in and quote this!

:-\...................................

[aadil77]

:sl:

This reminds me of an old song that I used to sing to myself about myself.

"To all of the girls I've loved in life, who now are someone else's wife."

man that is some depressing song ;D

[ardianto]

This reminds me of an old song that I used to sing to myself about myself.

"To all of the girls I've loved in life, who now are someone else's wife."

The singer : I'll sing this song for all of the girls I've loved in my life !

Audiences : We know you loved them. But did they ever love you ?

[Who Am I?]

The singer : I'll sing this song for all of the girls I've loved in my life !

Audiences : We know you loved them. But did they ever love you ?

:sl:

Well it's a bit of an exaggeration really, because I can honestly say that I have never been in love.

I don't know why women don't like me, I just know that they don't, and I realize that I must change myself if I am to change anything. Would I like to find a partner? Well yeah, I would, but I also realize that it may not happen, and I am becoming OK with that.

That's what it's really about ultimately, it's about me becoming OK with myself. I can live with being single for the rest of my life if I can get to a point where I love myself. Am I there yet? No, I'm not. But I'm trying to get there.

Sister flowergarden, that's where you need to be, dear. You need to become OK with yourself. Don't define yourself by what happened to you in your past. That's dead now. It's about who you are now, today, in this moment. That's what matters now.

You have to ask yourself: are you OK with who you are today? If you can honestly answer that question with a "Yes" then you've taken your first step toward a long and happy life.

[ardianto]

Well it's a bit of an exaggeration really, because I can honestly say that I have never been in love.

I don't know why women don't like me, I just know that they don't, and I realize that I must change myself if I am to change anything. Would I like to find a partner? Well yeah, I would, but I also realize that it may not happen, and I am becoming OK with that.

That's what it's really about ultimately, it's about me becoming OK with myself. I can live with being single for the rest of my life if I can get to a point where I love myself. Am I there yet? No, I'm not. But I'm trying to get there.

:sl:

Oh bro, that's not to insinuate you. I just remember the joke in high school.
"She is my love !"
"Yeah I know you love her, but does she loves you ?"

Don't under estimate yourself and assume no one would loves you. Remember, every man has a woman who loves him (oh, no, this is John and Yoko's song)

[Riana17]

Good ! :thumbs_up

The first food that made by my wife was instant pudding, and she failed in her first attempt !. No wonder, her family was spoiling her and she never made any food before. Then she made again, succeed, and she brought that pudding to me when I was hospitalized because typhus. It's was happened before I married her, and actually she made that pudding as her attempt to regain her White Knight. :D

I appreciated it, and then she started to learn cooking seriously. I still remember, in the first months of our marriage, she often asked me what food that I want to eat ?. And she tried to make that food. Until now, except when she need a rest she always cook for our family.

Unfortunately, many women are understand yet, meaning of cooking for the husbands is more than only feed them, but this is a kind of dedication from the wives to the husbands. Cook for the husbands is something that can make the husbands always love their wives.

So sister, if you have a good intention to cook for your husband, you don't need to be worry about your future husband.

May Allah give you a good pious man as your husband. Ameen.

:)

SALAM Brother, I hope I can be (like) your wife, I am just lazy and really not confident with my cooking.
I dont know how to inspire myself to cook, I really dont know how to stop myself from being lazy when I reach home :(

[Futuwwa]

Yay, ten pages! :)

[Ghazalah]

Unfortunately, many women are understand yet, meaning of cooking for the husbands is more than only feed them, but this is a kind of dedication from the wives to the husbands. Cook for the husbands is something that can make the husbands always love their wives.

As the old saying goes, "the way to a man heart is through his stomach." I hope my husband's a chef :wub: :giggling:

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

Oh bro, that's not to insinuate you. I just remember the joke in high school.
"She is my love !"
"Yeah I know you love her, but does she loves you ?"

Don't under estimate yourself and assume no one would loves you. Remember, every man has a woman who loves him (oh, no, this is John and Yoko's song)

:sl:

Well like I said, I have to become a better man. Then I can think about finding a wife. Until then, I remain single. I cannot ask a sister to share the burdens that I have been given. They are mine to bear, for as long as Allah wills that I should bear them.

[ardianto]

SALAM Brother, I hope I can be (like) your wife, I am just lazy and really not confident with my cooking.
I dont know how to inspire myself to cook, I really dont know how to stop myself from being lazy when I reach home :(

Salam sister,

You don't need to cook regularly, but you can make certain days as special days when you cook special food for your husband. Make this cooking as your fun activity. You can get an idea about food and cook from recipes in woman's magazines.

Husbands do not expect their wives become chef. But they very appreciate if their wives cook for them although only once in a week, or even once in a month.

My mommy did not always cook for the family because we always had maids. But she cooked as her fun activity, and she was very happy if we loved what she cooked. However, since a year ago I never ate foods that cooked by my mommy again. She has gone, back to rahmatullah.

[kingkong]

In response to the brother who said a woman only has to cook once a week or a month for her husband.

If your wife doesn't cook for you, that would mean you cook for yourself right? Would that mean you cook for yourself only or for her too?

As for where I come from, one of the things that a girl is checked during the search phase is her cooking. She will make rice and something like a chicken dish and she must make it, it doesn't bode very well if her cooking isn't liked by the mother in law. It may seem narrow minded, but actually it's not, if the girl doesn't know how to cook, question is, what has she been doing all her life?

I have a cousin, she's 24 and can't cook because even when her mother and aunties ask her to contribute and help out she chooses not to, it comes as no surprise that no one has accepted her for their son yet and until she knows how to cook and properly, hardly anyone will.

I suppose a woman's ability to cook and clean is like a man's ability to earn the money and look after things financially.

[Ghazalah]

if the girl doesn't know how to cook, question is, what has she been doing all her life?

Since when do we dedicate our lives to cooking? Do we not have needs that need to be fulfilled? A life to live??

If she can cook then great, but some girls are just not good in the kitchen, it doesn't mean she doesn't try, or doesn't want to. If you had any insight on the matter you would look at things differently. In the meantime don't generalise and say girls who can't cook are wasting their life away. Makes you sound quite silly :giggling:

[ardianto]

In response to the brother who said a woman only has to cook once a week or a month for her husband.

At least, once a month is still better than never.

Bro, if a wife cook only once a month but her husband did not mind, why should we protest. ;D

[Ali Mujahidin]

Since when do we dedicate our lives to cooking? Do we not have needs that need to be fulfilled? A life to live??

:sl:

Come now, let's look at the general scheme of things from the Islamic point of view. In Islam, the husband is responsible for supporting his wife. Not the other way round. Not even a fifty-fifty equal share arrangement. So he goes out of the home to do whatever is necessary to bring home halal income.

Now what does the wife do at home? Of course, she performs solah, reads the Quran, etc. 24/7? What do you mean by a life to live? Her life is in her home. A wife, if she is a practicing Muslimah, does not spend her time outside her home. She does not have a kaffir-like personal life of social engagements, business meetings, etc.

It is not a question of dedicating her life to cooking. It is a question of dedicating her life to making a home for her husband, making his house a place that he yearns to get back to, making his heart beat faster at the very thought of his loving wife waiting for his return. If such an aim is haram in Islam, please quote me the relevant verses and hadith that say so.

WaLLahu aklam.

[YaAqsa]

Salaam Wa alikium:

I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday. imsad.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. <br><br>To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. <br><br>Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?

wa alaikum salaam wr wb

We all sin and make mistakes and have done things in the past that we regret. You shouldn't let that rule your life inshallah.

(Qur'an 12:87) "O my sons! go ye and enquire about Joseph and his brother, and never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith."

What you did is who you were in the past, not who you are now.

I pray for your happiness and to be relieved of your nightmares from the past, ameen.

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

My mother didn't learn how to cook until after she married my father. Her mother ruled the kitchen with an iron fist and would allow no one to interfere in "her kitchen". So Mom had to learn to cook for herself.

I can cook my own stuff, so I don't need a sister to cook for me. Now if she wants to cook, I won't complain, but she doesn't have to is what I'm saying.

[Ghazalah]

Now what does the wife do at home? Of course, she performs solah, reads the Quran, etc. 24/7? What do you mean by a life to live? Her life is in her home. A wife, if she is a practicing Muslimah, does not spend her time outside her home. She does not have a kaffir-like personal life of social engagements, business meetings, etc.

Akhi I'm not disagreeing with the fact that a women should cook for her husband and look after him. That something she should do from her heart let alone that its widely expected from her. But the way the other brother made it seem like our lives revolve around the kitchen when they do not. What I meant by having a life to live, didn't mean always outside till midnight without a care in the world like a kaffir life-style. I just meant people must take into account we do other things in our life besides cook. :p

It is not a question of dedicating her life to cooking. It is a question of dedicating her life to making a home for her husband, making his house a place that he yearns to get back to, making his heart beat faster at the very thought of his loving wife waiting for his return.

Nobody is disagreeing with this. :)

[flowergarden]

HELP!!!!

Salaam wa alakium brothers and sister!

I need help. I got a call from the man who I intended to marry but he left (with out reason). He obviously is a jerk, he was asking me all these questions and I couldn't help but talk to him, I think it was a way to closure, but I felt soooooo guilty afterwards. I feel like I am going to hell, and all the repentance I have done is down the drain. imsad:cry::cry:

Help me, I feel so vulunerble to him, I feel like I want to work it out with him yet I know it won't.. I talk to him and texted him. I did because he called. He was telling me how much he wanted to see me, yet knows I wouldn't be able to handle my tears...

Ya rab!
I feel so horrible because of this, I feel like all my repenting is gone, and Allah see me as the bad girl. .. and the same person from the past. This man guy is hurting me sooooo much yet I don't know what to think or say or how to feel.

I am so ashamed of myself.

[flowergarden]

wa alaikum salaam wr wb

We all sin and make mistakes and have done things in the past that we regret. You shouldn't let that rule your life inshallah.

(Qur'an 12:87) "O my sons! go ye and enquire about Joseph and his brother, and never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith."

What you did is who you were in the past, not who you are now.

I pray for your happiness and to be relieved of your nightmares from the past, ameen.

Wa alakium asalaam brother.

I feel so low today. If you read the post I replied to just a minutes ago, I am losing faith in myself. I feel so stupid. :cry:

[FS123]

Sister, then he is not a good guy. I pray for you that you get a pious guy. Compassion is part of piety. I hope you get a man with one. - Ameen

http://www.islamictube.com/watch/04d...is-best-for-us

[YusufNoor]

HELP!!!!

Salaam wa alakium brothers and sister!

I need help. I got a call from the man who I intended to marry but he left (with out reason). He obviously is a jerk, he was asking me all these questions and I couldn't help but talk to him, I think it was a way to closure, but I felt soooooo guilty afterwards. I feel like I am going to hell, and all the repentance I have done is down the drain. imsad:cry::cry:

if Allah saves you from marrying some idiot, don't feel bad. there are quite a few cultural "iniquities" between the sexes, maybe a miracle happened instead of something bad. you need to differentiate between how messed up he is, and the events of your life. were the questions specific to your past or is he just trying to manipulate you?

Help me, I feel so vulunerble to him, I feel like I want to work it out with him yet I know it won't.. I talk to him and texted him. I did because he called. He was telling me how much he wanted to see me, yet knows I wouldn't be able to handle my tears...

if he's leaving, why does he want to see you? Sister, you are vulnerable, PERIOD. not just to this guy. think long term, not just short term.

Ya rab!
I feel so horrible because of this, I feel like all my repenting is gone, and Allah see me as the bad girl. .. and the same person from the past. This man guy is hurting me sooooo much yet I don't know what to think or say or how to feel.

you need to try to stop yourself from hurting. you need to think that you have value and rights as a human being. depression may actually prevent you from feeling good [and properly] about yourself. try to visit happy places in your mind.

I am so ashamed of myself.

:sl:

Sister, don't feel ashamed because of this man. YES, repentance is fine, but it is between you and Allah. and Allah accepts sincere repentance.

you probably have post traumatic stress syndrome. you should try to get help. you need to be able to equip yourself with the tools that you need to preserve your well being. you ARE a good person. you DESERVE to be happy.

the big picture is that you want to finish law school and be able to help people. you need a husband that won't feel threatened by your abilities and doesn't want to keep you "barefoot and pregnant." i'm guessing that finding the "right guy' may take some effort, especially if you don't have a proper Wali. don't get discouraged, there will more than likely be disappointments along the way. be prepared for that.

listen to the 1st lectures and the 3rd one here:

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me..._Surah_Al-Kahf

the story of al Qhidr shows that we know naught of Allah's plans at times. the other shows us that "la ilaha illallah is if more value than you may know. plus it is a beautiful lecture.

cheer up Sister and be strong. alot of us are rooting for you and making dua for you.

:wa:

[flowergarden]

Sister, then he is not a good guy. I pray for you that you get a pious guy. Compassion is part of piety. I hope you get a man with one. - Ameen

http://www.islamictube.com/watch/04d...is-best-for-us

Salaam wa Alakium Brother. Thank you so much for you kindness. and help. I really loved the website you gave me, seeing the video gave me hope!

[flowergarden]

SubhanAllah, when I was reading this the man kept texting me, and calling and you brother Yusef and Brother FS123 helped me stay strong. I did not answer. He is a very bad man, I feel sorry because it seems as if he is on the wrong path.

if Allah saves you from marrying some idiot, don't feel bad. there are quite a few cultural "iniquities" between the sexes, maybe a miracle happened instead of something bad. you need to differentiate between how messed up he is, and the events of your life. were the questions specific to your past or is he just trying to manipulate you?

He was trying to manipulate me, telling me that he wanted pictures of me, when I would say no he would text saying please and reminding me about how I cared about him, when I told him if he cared for me you would allow me to study, he than told me to send him an inappropriate picture to him. I hung up, he kept texting me asking how I was so I just answered, I felt guilty for talking to him even though I didn't fall into his manipulative trap! I feel guilty because a part of me still cares. He asked again for the pictures, I told him "if your aren't my firend and haven't asked about me in 2 years why now?" he didn't answer and took it off topic saying I couldn't handle talking to him with my emotions. So I just said ma'salaam to him... he didn't say anything until about 3 hours ago he again asked to send pictures to his email. before I read it I read these and just never answered, he kept asking and after a while he said nice talking.... He is so horrible to me, so disrespectful.
What I am ashamed of is that I care for this jerk still, I wish he would open his eyes and respect me, I wish he would see I am a good girl and I would never send any picture like that, not even to my husband that just weird!

if he's leaving, why does he want to see you? Sister, you are vulnerable, PERIOD. not just to this guy. think long term, not just short term.

He doesn't want to see me, just see a picture. He is mean, and very selfish man.
I am feel vulnerable in the sense of I wish he would have saw my worth, and I wish he would answer my un answered questions; but he always runs away saying I won't be able to handle it, and I would cry and start as he says "drama" than he said its been two years get over it. Its hard to get over something that hard, when you loved someone who left you via text for one good reason.

I think I will seek help very soon now. Just to help move on. This day really hurt me. :cry: Made me embarrassed to see the type of man I actually cared about, he is a bad person, that's embarrassing. I do want to finish, and he doesn't even seem motivated to do good in school at at, as worked hard to get to law school! I'm ashamed to think I actually gave him my time, I believed he would love me. imsad IstraferAllah.

Alhamdullah, I still repent and always will until I feel okay with everything.

JazakAllah Khair Brother Yusef for your time and help, it is very much appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

:wa:

[flowergarden]

Sister flowergarden, that's where you need to be, dear. You need to become OK with yourself. Don't define yourself by what happened to you in your past. That's dead now. It's about who you are now, today, in this moment. That's what matters now.

You have to ask yourself: are you OK with who you are today? If you can honestly answer that question with a "Yes" then you've taken your first step toward a long and happy life.

I think I will be great with myself when I graduate as a Lawyer, for now I am okay with myself, I just need to learn more about islam, and I need to heal more. I am proud I have taken the steps to heal, as it is hard....
but somedays like today is much harder... especially when jerks come along to hurt (explained in other posts)! imsad:hmm: JazakAllah khair..

[flowergarden]

We all sin and make mistakes and have done things in the past that we regret. You shouldn't let that rule your life inshallah.

(Qur'an 12:87) "O my sons! go ye and enquire about Joseph and his brother, and never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith."

What you did is who you were in the past, not who you are now.

I pray for your happiness and to be relieved of your nightmares from the past, amee

Salaam brother, It just so hard to forgive myself... especially now (if reading the 4 post above I replied) I am embarrassed with myself. But JazakAllah Khair for you kindess this helped me alot. Thank you a bunch!

[ardianto]

I am sitting here and watching my sister in Islam who is now in the struggle to forget the rest of her love to someone who wants to take her back to the past.

I know this must be hard for her. But I know she can and she able certainly, because she is a strong brave girl.

:)

[FS123]

SubhanAllah, when I was reading this the man kept texting me, and calling and you brother Yusef and Brother FS123 helped me stay strong. I did not answer. He is a very bad man, I feel sorry because it seems as if he is on the wrong path.



He was trying to manipulate me, telling me that he wanted pictures of me, when I would say no he would text saying please and reminding me about how I cared about him, when I told him if he cared for me you would allow me to study, he than told me to send him an inappropriate picture to him. I hung up, he kept texting me asking how I was so I just answered, I felt guilty for talking to him even though I didn't fall into his manipulative trap! I feel guilty because a part of me still cares. He asked again for the pictures, I told him "if your aren't my firend and haven't asked about me in 2 years why now?" he didn't answer and took it off topic saying I couldn't handle talking to him with my emotions. So I just said ma'salaam to him... he didn't say anything until about 3 hours ago he again asked to send pictures to his email. before I read it I read these and just never answered, he kept asking and after a while he said nice talking.... He is so horrible to me, so disrespectful.
What I am ashamed of is that I care for this jerk still, I wish he would open his eyes and respect me, I wish he would see I am a good girl and I would never send any picture like that, not even to my husband that just weird!




He doesn't want to see me, just see a picture. He is mean, and very selfish man.
I am feel vulnerable in the sense of I wish he would have saw my worth, and I wish he would answer my un answered questions; but he always runs away saying I won't be able to handle it, and I would cry and start as he says "drama" than he said its been two years get over it. Its hard to get over something that hard, when you loved someone who left you via text for one good reason.

I think I will seek help very soon now. Just to help move on. This day really hurt me. :cry: Made me embarrassed to see the type of man I actually cared about, he is a bad person, that's embarrassing. I do want to finish, and he doesn't even seem motivated to do good in school at at, as worked hard to get to law school! I'm ashamed to think I actually gave him my time, I believed he would love me. imsad IstraferAllah.

Alhamdullah, I still repent and always will until I feel okay with everything.

JazakAllah Khair Brother Yusef for your time and help, it is very much appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

:wa:

Those are the reasons a wali is better. Nice guys are difficult to find on own. Nice guys are normally too shy to approach a woman.

[Futuwwa]

Alhamdulillah that you found out the truth about that guy. Imagine how bad it had been if you had actually married him. You have avoided a bad match, but will get a better one. You're still young, many good men would love to marry you. Several forum members even, I think I spotted at least one implicit marriage proposal in this thread :D (not me, I'm already courting another girl, but if I wouldn't be, who knows?)

[Futuwwa]

I suppose a woman's ability to cook and clean is like a man's ability to earn the money and look after things financially.

It's not. The husband is religiously mandated to support his wife financially. That's something every madhab agrees on. The wife is not under any similar religious mandate regarding housework, those scholars who think she is are in the minority. The debate was already had around pages 2-5 of this thread.

[Who Am I?]

Those are the reasons a wali is better. Nice guys are difficult to find on own. Nice guys are normally too shy to approach a woman.

:sl:

I can vouch that this is true from personal experience. I still have a hard time approaching women. I always have.

Anyway, this guy is no good. He keeps bugging you to send him a picture when he himself knows that it is not appropriate behavior to do so. First of all, once you said no, that should be the end of it. Second, he never should have asked you to do that in the first place.

Look at it this way, sister. At least you're not married to him and have him do this with other women. At least you know what kind of guy he is now. He has played his hand, and now you see him for what he is.

[ardianto]

Alhamdulillah that you found out the truth about that guy. Imagine how bad it had been if you had actually married him.

I do not know what exactly happened to that man. But I know, someone had broken his heart. that's what made him try to re-approach sister flowergarden because he actually expect pity.

He does the same with many other men in the world. That is why women often say "all men in the world just the same."

But I believe sisters flowergarden will not repeat the same mistakes. She will and can definitely resist that, because I believe sister flowergarden is a strong and brave woman.

You have avoided a bad match, but will get a better one.

May Allah give sister flowergarden a good and pious man as her husband in the future.

You're still young, many good men would love to marry you.

Agree, agree, agree.

Several forum members even, I think I spotted at least one implicit marriage proposal in this thread

Since when Islamicboard turn into matrimonial site. :hmm:

(not me, I'm already courting another girl, but if I wouldn't be, who knows?)

You are already courting with a girl but you still open your heart for another girl. Not a good man as a husband. ;D

[flowergarden]

am sitting here and watching my sister in Islam who is now in the struggle to forget the rest of her love to someone who wants to take her back to the past.

I know this must be hard for her. But I know she can and she able certainly, because she is a strong brave girl.

JazakAllah Khair. This is so hard. I don't know why it is hurting so much. To know I gave my pure love for good intentions and to see he remembers me, but I feel like he doesn't care about me and how much I have done, like I did nothing for him. It hurts so much because it was so easy for him to get over me while I still cry over it! It hurts so much, and I am so ashamed! imsad:cry:

Those are the reasons a wali is better. Nice guys are difficult to find on own. Nice guys are normally too shy to approach a woman.

Alhmadullah I know better now! I was naive and uneducated in the process than!

Alhamdulillah that you found out the truth about that guy. Imagine how bad it had been if you had actually married him. You have avoided a bad match, but will get a better one. You're still young, many good men would love to marry you. Several forum members even, I think I spotted at least one implicit marriage proposal in this thread (not me, I'm already courting another girl, but if I wouldn't be, who knows?)

Alhamdulillah, but it is hard for me; especially knowing I put my trust in him and was so stupid not to have educated my see. I am in a lot of pain, and I really wish it would just go away. I feel like marriage will never happen with me!
I hate how manipulative this guy is to the point were I think maybe I should work it out... or talk. I struggle and push hard to prevent myself from doing so! I was the one to lead him back in the path of Islam, and he always pushes me away. I pity him and feel sorry! I wish he was different. But I am glad I am back on the right path. Alhamdulillah!

Anyway, this guy is no good. He keeps bugging you to send him a picture when he himself knows that it is not appropriate behavior to do so. First of all, once you said no, that should be the end of it. Second, he never should have asked you to do that in the first place.

Look at it this way, sister. At least you're not married to him and have him do this with other women. At least you know what kind of guy he is now.
He has played his hand, and now you see him for what he is.

Everyone is right, and may Allah bless you all for your kindness!
Its just hard, how can someone be so cruel to someone who cares about you, how can someone be so disrespectful to someone who showed you the better days? Its mindbogglingly, makes me feel like I was the bad person! Especially when he says "get over it, it's been 2 years" its hard when that person hurt you!imsad
Allah knows best, and I put my trust in Him!

But I know, someone had broken his heart. that's what made him try to re-approach sister flowergarden because he actually expect pity.

I do know he was hurt by a girl once, but I never would have hurt him... I guess it was his way of gaining his ego again! except he keeps it up!

But I believe sisters flowergarden will not repeat the same mistakes. She will and can definitely resist that, because I believe sister flowergarden is a strong and brave woman.

JazakAllah Khair for your kind words and dua'a I really appreciate it. To every brother and sister being patientwith me, when I need help. I means the world to me. Truly.

Allah bless you all!

[Ali Mujahidin]

Since when Islamicboard turn into matrimonial site.

:sl:

I hereby propose that this forum forthwith setup or cause to be setup a new board devoted exclusively and inclusively to all matters pertaining to and deriving from matrons, matrimony and alimony. Any seconders?

[Riana17]

Salam sister,

You don't need to cook regularly, but you can make certain days as special days when you cook special food for your husband. Make this cooking as your fun activity. You can get an idea about food and cook from recipes in woman's magazines.

Husbands do not expect their wives become chef. But they very appreciate if their wives cook for them although only once in a week, or even once in a month.

My mommy did not always cook for the family because we always had maids. But she cooked as her fun activity, and she was very happy if we loved what she cooked. However, since a year ago I never ate foods that cooked by my mommy again. She has gone, back to rahmatullah.

SALAM Alaikkum

Very nice advise Brother Ardianto and I am saving it. May Allah reward you

Brother Kingkong please do not attached your culture to religion, women is not obliged to cook. Maybe this cousin of yours who cant cook is much better than those who can cook, she may have the rest of amazing skills,,, dont you believe in fate? If she will have a Husband and kid, she will... nomatter how good or bad she is in cooking.

"It is the responsibility of the husband to provide his wife with cooked food."The wife cannot be forced to cook food neither by force, nor by the law, because the Holy Prophet [sallallaahu alyhi wasallam] has said in clear words:

Now it SEEMS it is your duty to cook brother Kingkong :D


However, women are encouraged to cook & clean the house etc to please her husband, because it is next to Pleasing Allah (swt)
The responsibility falls on her only morally. If she refuses to cook food for her husband and the children, no one can force her to do it & she is not IN SIN. This problem has been explained at great length.

Sister Flowergarden,

Many people gave you good advise, Masha Allah you are brave woman. Salam

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

OK, so this guy was hurt by a woman and he can't explain why. For some reason, it all went horribly wrong. Big deal. Guess what? It's only him and every other guy in the universe that's ever known women. Go cry about it, you big baby.

Still no excuse for him to take it out on you, and it shows what a low-down character the guy is. Just do what any normal guy would do. Go play video games until she's off your mind. ;D

At least you know before you married him what he's really like. Allah knows best, as you said.

[kingkong]

I'll put it this way, if the woman is not obliged to cook or clean or do any chores, which is what peope are saying. Then what is the woman obliged to do?

Look after the kids? Well for at least 9 months and maybe more, she will not have a kid, so she is obliged to do nothing?

Use a bit of common sense, whilst the man is at work, and the woman is at home, if she's not doing chores, what should she be doing?

It might be cultural, but if my wife refuses to cook and do the chores then I will simply move back to live with my mother and send my wife to my parents because I see very little contribution from a wife otherwise.

Please think about it, if the wife doesn't do chores at home, what should she do for the 10 hours of the day he's at work? Sit and watch TV gossip on the phone with her friends?

It's not like most men these days don't do the bulk of their chores. I iron my own clothes, clean my room, fix my bed, clean the bath after a shower, do a lot of the DIY etc, so to expect food to be on the table when is asking too much? If it's asking too much, then I am better off as a single man, cause then I can do all my own chores, not have to finance anyone and worry about my own food.

[flowergarden]

Well for at least 9 months and maybe more

And MAYBE more???? Its the mother that cares for the children 90 percent and more of the time.

Use a bit of common sense, whilst the man is at work, and the woman is at home, if she's not doing chores, what should she be doing?

Stop living in the old age, NOT ALL WOMEN STAY AT HOME!!! I am a independent WORKING WOMEN, just like many more muslim women! So while the husband is at work, SO AM I! So how about a man also care for a women, just as much as she will. And I will tell you, sometimes it is the women who bring the checks in, and not only that they also have to cook all the time. How about the spouse talk and understand each others needs, if a man is home more than a women he cooks, if she is home more than she cook. And BOTH keep the home clean! It is not, oh I will eat and you cook, clean the dishes and clean the dinning area and the rest of the home while I lay and bum out for the rest of the day, because let me give you a reality check, a house wife is a job too- caring for a child is hard so how about giving us women some space to breath and help us out!!

It might be cultural, but if my wife refuses to cook and do the chores then I will simply move back to live with my mother and send my wife to my parents because I see very little contribution from a wife otherwise

Well sir there is something call communication. Ask her why she will not help in the house, and very rarely will a women not care for her husband. But if a man works her with all the cooking and chores and never helps her one bit, than she has ever right to walk to her fathers hands for comfort!!!

Please think about it, if the wife doesn't do chores at home, what should she do for the 10 hours of the day he's at work? Sit and watch TV gossip on the phone with her friends?

May be she is at work as well. If she is at home and with child, maybe she is caring for a the kids. or maybe she just needed a break! Stop making all women out to being lazy, and saying what if what if.


Okay the idea of SOME men are cooking cleaning and that is it (Alhamdullah there are great men who love equal house work for both). But I encourage women to get your education so you will never have to deal with controlling non-helpful man, so they can rub it in your face that they are paying for the food! And if (God forbid) a women does she can walk out the home and have her education in hand with a job! But all women should remember, the hands of your parents will always keep you safe and not have plans of how you should be!

It's not like most men these days don't do the bulk of their chores. I iron my own clothes, clean my room, fix my bed, clean the bath after a shower, do a lot of the DIY etc

well brother, carry a baby in your body for 9 months, bleed for 5-7 days every month (168 hours of bleeding), and have cramps and bad back aches, with headaches, nauseous and have the "obligation" to cater to a man, when a women is sad going through a lot she cries when she is alone but gives back up strong and does what she needs to. Doing a little bit of your obligation while a women just keeps her self strong.
I once told you to please refrain from commenting on my post because when ever you do, it ALL about you. Humble your self and please stop ! Allah be with you! Ma'Salaam!

Brother KingKong, I don't mean to sound like a mean person, think about what you say before you speak *write* it. I know your not directing anything to a specific person, but be wise in your comments because a lot of times it is and seems degrading/lowing women, when in all honesty men would be nothing without them... you wouldn't be alive had it not been for a women so how about you be easy with us and respect, because women are stronger than any man will ever know. we need our time too. Women don't need a man to live, but we are complete when we find our soul mate.

[flowergarden]

Salaam Alakium brothers and sisters,
I love this thread and it is really helping me. I want to make a Islamic broad record for most pages lol, anyone in? ;D But if you have an opinion that you feel wlll be offensive to a brother or sister please refrain from replying. 99 percent of you brothers and sisters have been so nice, but their is always someone always bring down the spirt. But I am still smiling because so many of you have such lovely and beautiful advice MashAllah! I thank you always and pray the best for you all!

This thread is to help me, not hurt or offend anyone... It is to help others, and it is to bring about advice and help me and others to heal!! That is it, there is no auguring or anything on my thread! Jazak Allah Khair for everyone.

Now back to the subject,

OK, so this guy was hurt by a woman and he can't explain why. For some reason, it all went horribly wrong. Big deal. Guess what? It's only him and every other guy in the universe that's ever known women. Go cry about it, you big baby.

Still no excuse for him to take it out on you, and it shows what a low-down character the guy is. Just do what any normal guy would do. Go play video games until she's off your mind.

At least you know before you married him what he's really like. Allah knows best, as you said.

Yes you are right, this morning I woke up, and I felt happy! I felt good because Alhamdullah I help people in hard situations and give all I can to help and get them back on their feet so I would say I am at least worth a man who is like me, compassionate, hard working, equal, and educated. I thank Allah that it didn't work, because I wouldn't be happy at all! But sometimes of course I get sad, which is normal. Sometimes I feel like a bad person because of the past, and that is when I go to Allah, and feel that I am getting closer to Him.
Sometimes I don't feel worth it, sometimes I need to cry, but InshAllah Allah will me to get better. I just love coming on here and seeing a new beautiful post. It makes my week! JazakAllahu Khiran!

I do say, I kind of feel like I may have post tramatic stress, and I feel that the injustice I had in my life was just so much, I became vulnerable and I feel maybe Allah tested if repentance is what I would do! What do you guys think?

[Riana17]

I'll put it this way, if the woman is not obliged to cook or clean or do any chores, which is what peope are saying. Then what is the woman obliged to do?

Look after the kids? Well for at least 9 months and maybe more, she will not have a kid, so she is obliged to do nothing?

Use a bit of common sense, whilst the man is at work, and the woman is at home, if she's not doing chores, what should she be doing?

It might be cultural, but if my wife refuses to cook and do the chores then I will simply move back to live with my mother and send my wife to my parents because I see very little contribution from a wife otherwise.

Please think about it, if the wife doesn't do chores at home, what should she do for the 10 hours of the day he's at work? Sit and watch TV gossip on the phone with her friends?

It's not like most men these days don't do the bulk of their chores. I iron my own clothes, clean my room, fix my bed, clean the bath after a shower, do a lot of the DIY etc, so to expect food to be on the table when is asking too much? If it's asking too much, then I am better off as a single man, cause then I can do all my own chores, not have to finance anyone and worry about my own food.

Salam Alaikkum

Istigfurallah, you talk like you are better than the Prophet. It's not her job (whether she is housewife or working) and if you insist that to your wife, then there's no problem, its an agreement, if your wife does not follow you when you request her to do all these in good manner, then Allah is not pleased to her too. We follow the Sunnah not you
dear Kingkong

This is why ISLAM appeals to many women, because women are given such importance, do you think if Prophet said: "O women you are obliged to clean the house, cook, wash clothes, iron etc" do you think there will be no great debate in this? Islam is not about controlling, in this case it's like questioning the MORAL of women, if she is staying at home, yes its nice that she prepares food for her husband but what if she does not know cooking even after many attemps?? cooking is an art, its a gift.

I am sorry but I would be frank to tell you that if you are a controlling type of a person, and believe me if you are like that in real life, your wife even if she dont say anything, she isnt happy with it, I am a woman I know,,, this is the worst thing after being proud.

I am a married person and if man highly appreciates the PEACE (v.less nagging, not demanding, not materialistic & the like) he is getting from HIS WIFE, wife appreciates an uncontrolling husband too, excuse meee we have rights and we have lives & own decision, you dont marry to own us. We keep our identity even after marriage.

IF COOKING is big thing to you & dont attach ISLAM to it. Because Quran & Sunnah never put this in the head of the wife.

SALAM

[flowergarden]

Istigfurallah, you talk like you are better than the Prophet. It's not her job (whether she is housewife or working) and if you insist that to your wife, then there's no problem, its an agreement, if your wife does not follow you when you request her to do all these in good manner, then Allah is not pleased to her too. We follow the Sunnah not you dear Kingkong

Thank you dear sister for seeing that was offensive too!!
And let us not forget that women are on another level than men, in islam we are of higer standing... "heaven lies Under The Feet Of The Mother." so it is a women who need to be cared for and understood.
Marriage is equal work, and if it is so hard/asking too much to pick up after yourself, iron your clothes and make a sandwich after work because your wife if tired than Allah help you brother!

Show us in the Qur'an of it being a womens obligation to cook for a man. Riana is right, some women try hard but is hard for them to cook, so what if your wife doesn't know how, you will divorce her? Haraam for your harsh way of life for women for you have no clue what women do, and go through.
Shallow your pride. And you will see Marriage is about a man and women raising a family together!! not just the wife caring for kids and doing the house work, that is not islamic at all!

Please do me a favor and DO NOT REPLY! even if you must shallow your pride and please no more arguing or unnecessary rude comments!

[aadil77]

Stop living in the old age, NOT ALL WOMEN STAY AT HOME!!! I am a independent WORKING WOMEN, just like many more muslim women! So while the husband is at work, SO AM I! So how about a man also care for a women, just as much as she will. And I will tell you, sometimes it is the women who bring the checks in, and not only that they also have to cook all the time. How about the spouse talk and understand each others needs, if a man is home more than a women he cooks, if she is home more than she cook. And BOTH keep the home clean! It is not, oh I will eat and you cook, clean the dishes and clean the dinning area and the rest of the home while I lay and bum out for the rest of the day, because let me give you a reality check, a house wife is a job too- caring for a child is hard so how about giving us women some space to breath and help us out!!

Well done to you on being an 'independent WORKING WOMEN', do you want a medal?

Both the man and woman have their own respective duties, no woman should have to work and do all the household chores

Okay the idea of SOME men are cooking cleaning and that is it (Alhamdullah there are great men who love equal house work for both). But I encourage women to get your education so you will never have to deal with controlling non-helpful man, so they can rub it in your face that they are paying for the food! And if (God forbid) a women does she can walk out the home and have her education in hand with a job! But all women should remember, the hands of your parents will always keep you safe and not have plans of how you should be!

No man should pull their weight around just because they're earning the money - its insulting and degrading, but neither should a 'independent WORKING WOMEN'.

[flowergarden]

Bro. Aadil77. I didn't only say myself, I am talking about all working women! Do I want a medal just show how much of a childish person you are! Do not reply to this thread if it is not advice for me. You as well shallow your pride and your comments and leave this thread alone!
Salaam!

[flowergarden]

:sl:
Please no one reply to any one being childish, nor get mad at rude people... I don't want any arguing or back and fourth!
Back to the subject! How about some inputs on my question of....

I do say, I kind of feel like I may have post traumatic stress, and I feel that the injustice I had in my life was just so much, I became vulnerable and I feel maybe Allah tested if repentance is what I would do! What do you guys think?

[Riana17]

Well done to you on being an 'independent WORKING WOMEN', do you want a medal?

Both the man and woman have their own respective duties, no woman should have to work and do all the household chores




No man should pull their weight around just because they're earning the money - its insulting and degrading, but neither should a 'independent WORKING WOMEN'.

Salam Alaikkum

That's really rude reply, where is the insult coming from?

It just started from cooking, it is clear it is not women's duty. Period. Unless you give us verse from the Holy Quran or Sunnah.

About household duties, it varies from couple's agreement and if the man is wealthy, it is advisable to hire a housemaid if required.

My husband loves homecook food but he never complains I can't cook and If I cook even if it doesnt taste nice at all, he would finish it to pieces... now that's what I'm talking about, an uncontrolling MAN. May Allah reward him and grant me some talent in cooking. Amen

[flowergarden]

Salam Alaikkum

That's really rude reply, where is the insult coming from?

Sweetie, please ignore the ignorant and childish people! Your a beautiful women and Allah bless you and your husband!

[Riana17]

:sl:
Please no one reply to any one being childish, nor get mad at rude people... I don't want any arguing or back and fourth!
Back to the subject! How about some inputs on my question of....

SALAM Alaikkum Sister

Do not worry we will back you up as long as you are right, we should stand with the right and be glad to know our rights & duties.

About your question, its all about moving on, just imagine how lucky you are to be a Muslimah, ask yourself, what else do you need when Allah has guided you to the right path. I suggest you read Muslim stories, converts and increase your Iman inshallah

"Acquire knowledge, it enables its professor to distinguish right from wrong; it lights the way to heaven. It is our friend in the desert, our company in solitude and companion when friendless. It guides us to happiness, it sustains us in misery, it is an ornament amongst friends and an armour against enemies." (widely attributed to the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh)

I have many bad experience too from members of my family & others, but I just learn to let go and forgive, I always think that If I cant forgive, how can I expect Allah to cover my sins?

Women are complicated I know, sometimes we hunt troubles, sometimes we are depress for nothing, it is our nature. However we have to move on inshallah.

[aadil77]

I'm not going to bother replying to any of you, its clear you're both suffering from feminist mentality

[gladTidings]

Ermm why are we having domestics in this thread?

We all know the obligations and rights of both men and women in a marriage. Quite simply the hadith in bukhari:

Ibn 'Umar reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, "All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the people of his house and he is responsible. A woman is the shepherd of the house of her husband and she is responsible. Each of you is a shepherd and each is responsible for his flock."

Ofcourse no woman is to be eternally tied to the kitchen after marriage but we still have responsibilities. How are we to be the comfort and coolness in our partners eyes if we abandon these duties? We are equal to our partners although our roles may be complimentary. Although she is not obliged to do so, it is no insult to a woman if she is to do the housekeeping, infact with the right intentions there is immense reward in it for her.

But why do we reiterate the responsibilites of the other gender when we should always look within our selves first and work on our shortcomings before expecting others to do so.

[kingkong]

well brother, carry a baby in your body for 9 months, bleed for 5-7 days every month (168 hours of bleeding), and have cramps and bad back aches, with headaches, nauseous and have the "obligation" to cater to a man, when a women is sad going through a lot she cries when she is alone but gives back up strong and does what she needs to. Doing a little bit of your obligation while a women just keeps her self strong.

I once told you to please refrain from commenting on my post because when ever you do, it ALL about you. Humble your self and please stop ! Allah be with you! Ma'Salaam!

Brother KingKong, I don't mean to sound like a mean person, think about what you say before you speak *write* it. I know your not directing anything to a specific person, but be wise in your comments because a lot of times it is and seems degrading/lowing women, when in all honesty men would be nothing without them... you wouldn't be alive had it not been for a women so how about you be easy with us and respect, because women are stronger than any man will ever know. we need our time too. Women don't need a man to live, but we are complete when we find our soul mate.

So you're saying because of 5-7 days a month and possibly 9 months every couple of years, you should not have to do anything around the home?

Men might not be much without women, who mentioned anything along those lines? What exactly is degrading of women about my posts? I said and you can read over and over, if men are obliged to work to finance the woman, something which is in Islam fact, then what are women obliged to do? You've missed that whole point and gone on to ramble about the difficulties of being a woman blah blah blah.

Thankfully I don't know any women who ramble on about their struggles, else I'd just end up blowing my brains out.

You've also mentioned about the emotional struggles of women, her crying etc, what's that got to do with the obligations for Muslims?

My older friend who's been married for 20 yrs, said to me, don't worry about women and their crying, one time I saw my wife crying in the bedroom, for days I couldn't sleep and kept asking what was wrong what is the matter. For 3 weeks my health deteriorated because my wife was crying and at the end of 3 weeks of emotional trauma for me, she just says, I wasn't upset, I'm a woman, I need to cry occassionally. My initial reaction was WTH? Later, I hated her a bit because she saw me worry for 3 weeks, but then at the end what it meant was I just accepted women just cry and the consequences are now that it doesn't catch my attention anymore if she cries. So Flowergarden, I'm fully aware of women and their crying, often there is no reason for it.

One other thing which you said which caught my attention, you encourage women to get an education and work so they can pay for the food and "rub it the man's face". How the heck can you complain about sexism after right a pretty pathetic comment like that?

Any woman who speaks down to man like that, will be first, sinning on an unimagenable scale, for heaven lies with a husband's happiness for a woman and secondly she won't last very long married.

[kingkong]

Your mouth is rubbish actually, wow what a proud we have here??? Poor thing , seems you are misguided

I do not like to loss my patience because I am not good at it and I am fasting, but you are just showing how thin is your mind.

Go back to your culture then alright, you know better than our DEEN huh, if you are truthful then give us atleast one verse confirming your claim that women has to clean, cook & all your demands? you aint fit in here.

Could you address the points I made?

Once again you are NOT READING PROPERLY.

There is nothing in Islam which says she has to cook or clean, that's the whole point I'm making.

So if she is not obliged to cook and clean what is should she do?

Please read the posts properly before making a comment.

As for my mouth being rubbish, very original comeback line that is, how long did it take you to think of that?

[Riana17]

SALAM Alaikkum

It is not duty of women to cook for family or the family of husband, and if the women doesnt like her inlaws in her house, she can stop them from coming to their house .

And let me confirm that man who divorce the wife just because her house is complete mess in one day is either going to HELL or in very serious sin.

Both of you has to educate yourself and if what Prophet Muhammad said is not acceptable to you, then be it and be proud.

http://www.shariahprogram.ca/status-...of-women.shtml

If a man truly believes in the Sunnah, then he wont criticize his wife, be it cooking, cleaning, or anything she does. You appreciate the food she cooks, even if it isnt exactly to your liking. Aisha, and other companions and wives, mentioned that the Prophet never criticized anyone’s cooking, ESPECIALLY his wives. If he didnt like the food he would still say ‘What good food this is!” or if he did not want to eat it he would say “I do not wish to eat now”, so for those husbands who complain to their wives, you go against the sunnah of the messenger when you do so. Love your wives and be kind to them, that is where Imaan lies.

A husband CANNOT order her to do anything that is against religion. The Prophet (s) said: "No obedience is due to creatures in disobedience of the Creator" (la ta`atan li makhluqin fi ma`siyat al-khaliq).


If she works outside the house, it is praiseworthy for the husband to hire house help to relieve her from too heavy a burden. The wife's duties do not require her to feed her child, nor even to nurse it, nor to clean nor cook. It is the husband's duty to provide a nursemaid, food for older children, and servants to clean and cook. However, if the wife does those things out of mercy and love, it is a gift to the husband on her part.

[kingkong]

Riana,

YOU ARE NOT READING WHAT I'M SAYING.

I'm beginning to wonder if you understand English at all.

It's already been established the woman doesn't have to do anything, no one is disputing that chores and cooking and not her obligation.

So the question I ask and perhaps many others too, WHAT IS THE WOMAN'S OBLIGATION?

WHAT MUST SHE DO?

We know the man has to earn the money, but WHAT MUST THE WOMAN DO IN A MARRIAGE?

PS. In the UK, I'd like to see anyone who isn't on a 6 figure salary afford maids. Maybe several centuries the common man could afford servants, but in the 21st century in the west, few men can.

[ardianto]

I'll put it this way, if the woman is not obliged to cook or clean or do any chores, which is what peope are saying. Then what is the woman obliged to do?

Look after the kids? Well for at least 9 months and maybe more, she will not have a kid, so she is obliged to do nothing?

Use a bit of common sense, whilst the man is at work, and the woman is at home, if she's not doing chores, what should she be doing?

It might be cultural, but if my wife refuses to cook and do the chores then I will simply move back to live with my mother and send my wife to my parents because I see very little contribution from a wife otherwise.

Please think about it, if the wife doesn't do chores at home, what should she do for the 10 hours of the day he's at work? Sit and watch TV gossip on the phone with her friends?

It's not like most men these days don't do the bulk of their chores. I iron my own clothes, clean my room, fix my bed, clean the bath after a shower, do a lot of the DIY etc, so to expect food to be on the table when is asking too much? If it's asking too much, then I am better off as a single man, cause then I can do all my own chores, not have to finance anyone and worry about my own food.

Although my wife started to learn cooking prior to our wedding, she started to learn cooking seriously after she married me. My sisters could not cook before they married, but after they married they started to learn cooking. Many married women who I know here could not cook before they married, but now they can.

So, will we marry women who can't cook ?. Why not ! they can learn cooking after we married them. We don't need to obliged our wives to cook. They will cook for us if we request them gently. Women have an instinct to please their life-partners if they feel enjoy with their partners.

If working women do not cook for their husbands, it's because their husbands never request them. If their husbands make gentle request to their wives, those working women will cook for their husbands. Like I said, women have an instinct to please their partners if they feel enjoy with their partner. So, if our wives refuse our request to serve us, it's means they do not enjoy their marriage life with us.

And, if our wives refuse to cook, should we send them back to their parents ?. We don't need to do it because they will back in first before we send them.

Like my wife. In our 6th years of marriage, she left me and back to her parent home, brought our 2 years old son, just because something that actually not my fault. It made me very angry. But I still visited them everyday and gave them money for life. Almost two month later, my mother-in-law got heart attack and she need hospitalized. She passed away several days later after she told a message to my wife "Back to your husband and apologize, you're the one guilty in this". And several days later she stood in front of our house door.

The thing that always make me thankful is, the Door of Forgiveness in my heart is always open for my wife. I am sure, not all husbands have Door of Forgiveness like this in their hearts. That was the first time and the last time my wife left me.

My wife does not clean up our house, one of my employee did it almost everyday. My wife wash our clothes but what she does are pour the soap and turn the washing machine buton, the rest until drying done by me. She iron our clothes but only partially, the rest done by me. And now I am looking for a daily maid to help us in washing and ironing.

Does my wife cook for me ?. Not always. I often prevent her to cook because she need more rest to recover her backbone that has been ruined by cancer. But when she feel she strong enough, she always cook although she not always can eat what her cook. Doctor forbade her to eat many kinds of foods.

Is it means is better if I live as a single man ?. Let me smile. You don't know how I am. I have been 44 and have problem with my weight, but women still stare at me. If those women know I am single, they will come to me and make me hard to live as single man. :D

But, no, no, I am very happy with my life as a husband and as a daddy.

By the ways, last afternoon we watched TV program about survivors of cancer. Their stories touched my wife, and made her told me "I want to follow those women, spend the rest of the life to serve the husband. I will cook more delicious foods for you". I told her "You don't need to cook because maybe you can't eat what you cook". She stared at me with her sweetest smile "Am I not allowed to serve my husband ?".

I could not say anything. But one kind gesture from me was more than enough as an answer.

:)

[kingkong]

Ardianto,

Your one comment stood out, your wife stands by you, which is terrific. I'm glad you are happily married may it be a long one and ay you see each other as a couple in Jannah al Firdous.

As for the comment you made about hiring maid to contibute etc. It isn't possible for the average man in the UK, maybe possible elsewhere, but not in the UK, so that's unrealistic.

[ardianto]

As for the comment you made about hiring maid to contibute etc. It isn't possible for the average man in the UK, maybe possible elsewhere, but not in the UK, so that's unrealistic

I know, hiring maid in UK is expensive. And I don't suggest you hire maid.

The point of my post is, relationship between husband and wife is different than relationship between employer and employee. We can employ someone, obliged him to work for us, and what we must do for him is just pay him. But in marriage life, giving money is not enough. Our wives need more than money. They need our love.

Brother, if we want our wives serve us, we cannot threat them with "If you do not serve, I will send you back to your parent !". But we must request them gently like "honey, will you cook for me ?".

Don't make our wives feel like they are servants, but make them feel, we are their husbands, and they will serve us without we obliged them.

[Revert 2010]

Salaam sister, I think a gentleman will forget everything about your past if he sincerely loves you and wants to marry you. No one can change their past but do not let the past influence the future, Allah is great and with time and patience sister great things can happen. Allah is the greatest judge not People, dont worry sister I will keep you in my Dua's.

[SFatima]

But in marriage life, giving money is not enough. Our wives need more than money. They need our love.

Brother, if we want our wives serve us, we cannot threat them with "If you do not serve, I will send you back to your parent !". But we must request them gently like "honey, will you cook for me ?".

Don't make our wives feel like they are servants, but make them feel, we are their husbands, and they will serve us without we obliged them.

Very good post brother, I also feel that some men have made a habit out of treating their wives as their servants, making them serve the husband's needs all the time, while just relying on the Man's money, is the ONLy thing the man is proud about delivering :p. My question to kingkong is, what is the man's duty besides 'financing' the house? Why so much stress on finance? You very well know that women used to earn even back then in Islamic history , as they do now, why should they even get married if being financed is all they look for, they can support themselves if its all about the finances, mind you.

They say that though man is the head of the house, a woman is the Manager. While she should contribute in the house chores, but rudely asking and expecting of her to just be there, like any other maid servant would be, is a huge misunderstanding on the muslim brother's part, and a sad one indeed. I have seen muslim men who don't even like conversing with their wives other than their needs, because they think women are stupid and should keep shut and just serve, where is islam in that?

Anyhow, usually, if a man respects his wife, loves her truly, re-assures her self confidence, there can be no reason that she wouldnt want to serve him, and return all the kindness. But if a man does look for a wife who is a committed server, they should marry a professional maid, and not try to subjugate an educated women to serve all the time and give her nasty comments about not being the good servant.

It is such a double standard to expect pople to change for one's selfish needs. reminds me of a brother who would talk on and on about hazrat khadija being his favorite woman, and then would refuse to marry girls who didnt look like super models, were the same age as his, she, and along with being really beautiful, intellectual and well versed, should be a good maid. Whatever. :heated:

How can men in Islam be so superficial and pathetic in their thinking.:hiding: How can a woman raise such an arrogant son! (I'm not particularly addressing to the posters in this thread, this is just a very common example around me, a society heavily influenced by hindu superstition, chauvinism and myths)

[kingkong]

Another reply which dowsnt answer the point i made. What is a wife's obligation in Islam?

What must a muslim wife do. if its the husbands job to provide the finances, what is the womans job?

youve all said and i do not dispute that women do not have to do the chores. so what should they do pls answer that if you can.

[Insaanah]

:sl:

It's already been established the woman doesn't have to do anything, no one is disputing that chores and cooking are not her obligation.

No it hasn't. What has been established is that there is a difference of opinion among scholars as to whether such duties are obligatory on the part of the wife or not. The slightly stronger opinion being that it is not obligatory, but recommended, though there isn't strong evidence to support obligation or non-obligation. See here: http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...ml#post1458738

So the question I ask and perhaps many others too, WHAT IS THE WOMAN'S OBLIGATION?

WHAT MUST SHE DO?

Good question.

As we are all agreed, both spouses should help and please each other as much as possible, and should realise their own shortcomings first. As to your question, this is what a woman's obligations are with regards to her husband. She must:

1. Acknowledge and accept her husband as the leader and head of the household.
2. Obey her husband (obviously in those things that do not involve disobedience to Allah, and according to a strong opinion, definite obedience only in those things that involve his marital rights, i.e. the ones mentioned here)
3. Answer his call to fulfil his physical desires.
4. Not allow anyone into his house without his permission.
5. Not leave the house without his permission (though the hadeeth bearing exactly this meaning do not appear to be strong ones) .
6. Serve the husband, though as mentioned above, the scholars disagree on whether this is a right.
7. Thank the husband for his actions.
8. Not fast a voluntary fast without his permission.

"If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month, protects her chastity, and obeys her husband, it will be said to her, "Enter paradise through any of the doors of paradise you wish." (Ibn Hibbaan)

A wife's behaviour and situation with regards to her husband is one of her most important responsibilities in Islam.

My question to kingkong is, what is the man's duty besides 'financing' the house?

Apologies for answering here, as this is not addressed to me. However I'll take the opportunity to state the husband's duties here:

1. To give his wife mahr
2. To give her maintenance
3. To treat her nicely, kindly and properly
4. To fulfil her physical desires
5. Not to beat her (with the exception of the light tap in the case of nushooz on her part)
6. To give her privacy
7. To treat her justly in a polygynous household
8. To teach her her religion
9. To defend her honour and have gheerah "jealousy" with respect to her

And the right to enjoy each other, inherit from each other, and confirmation of lineage of their children are common rights.

The relationship shouldn't be a breakdown of this is my right, I want this, or I'm not doing this, but to try one's best to fulfil one's obligations to the other, look to one's own shortcomings first and to try to rectify them. Both should try their utmost best to help and please one another and work together in partnership with them for a happy household.

Source: The Fiqh of Family, Marriage and Divorce, by Jamal Zarabozo, American Open University, 1997

And lastly, a reminder to all brothers and sisters (including myself):

"And tell My servants to say that which is kindlier. Indeed, Satan incites discord between them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy." (Qur'an 17:53)

May Allah give all of us, sisters and brothers, the tawfeeq to speak to each other with good manners, respect and decency, ameen.

And Allah knows best in all matters.

:sl:

[gladTidings]

Maybe you should open a fresh thread. You might get a better response. I think the issues in the OP have been addressed? Mods?

[ardianto]

If those brothers ever been in situation when their wives were on the peak of the pain and started to scream desperately wishing death.

If those brothers ever been in situation when they held their wives hands, their eyes began to wet, and they started to beg Allah, not to take their wives.

If those brothers ever been in situation when they must smile to give spirit to their wives who were so scared before entering surgery room.

If every after salah those brothers see their wives perform salah while sitting on chair because their wives cannot perform salah normally again.

If sometime those brothers wives feel afraid their illness will take their souls faster and they beg a hug to make them feel safe.

If those brothers realize, Allah gave their wives second chance to take care their children.



They will understand why I beg them not to treat their wives like servants.

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

Well I'm not sure what happened there. I'm gone for a day, come back, and there's 3 pages of "I'm cooler than you just because!" I didn't know we were running a daycare here.

Now that all the kids have taken their toys and gone home, maybe we can get back to having an adult discussion about a sister in need of support.

I see a lot of myself in you, sister flowergarden. I see some of you in myself. You have a good heart, and that is refreshing to see in this world. But you have to be careful. Maybe people will try to take advantage of you. I myself have been burned in the past when I tried to help someone out. But I consider it a lesson learned, and I have moved on, and I try to be more careful in my dealings with people.

If I get married, and my wife doesn't know how to cook, I will teach her. If she doesn't speak English very well, I will teach her. She can teach me Arabic and help me to become a better man, which is a much more valuable lesson than learning how to cook, to be sure.

[flowergarden]

Brother Ardianto,
May Allah always bless your family. I really appreicate your reply. It it EXACTLY what I see in what a beautiful marriage is. There is understanding, forgiveness, and a man who will help his wife and never leave her. MashAllah brother you're a great man, and very wise, I appreciate the reply.

My mom didn't know how to cook even rice when she first got married, but now she is a awesome cooker. But she works, and my dad understand when she comes home she will be very tried, so he cooks some days and than she cooks other days when she has off. Its a understand of helping one another not merely thinking with ones stomache and wanting what may not be the right thing.

In today's world if man and women don't work it will even be hard to be Middle class. :hmm:
May allah always bless you with a beautiful marriage
ardianto

[~Raindrop~]

I think the issues in the OP have been addressed? Mods?

Yup, I agree.

The behaviour of some members in this thread is unacceptable. Insulting remarks, rudeness and blatant disrespect will not be tolerated.
Failing to take heed of the above or attempting to continue this topic in a new thread will result in warnings/infractions.

:threadclo