Staying married

[Alpha Dude]

There's a lot of talk on how to get married, finding the right partner etc but what about advice on staying married once hitched?

Divorce is very much common nowadays, especially among newly weds. It is not strange to hear of marriages lasting as short as a month or even weeks, if not days in extreme cases.

Divorce is something I find especially scary because in a few heated moments, the marriage can essentially be disolved, despite deep down, neither party wanting that outcome.

What are some of those prevalent reasons for divorce amongst those new to marriage and (ignoring those beyond repair cases where there's abuse involved etc) what can one do to lengthen the relationship... i.e. truly make it 'till death do us part'?

[جوري]

those same stats will tell you that financial problems is the number one reason for divorce..
I think marriage like everything else needs working on everyday .. well after you've gotten all the raging hormones out of your system one question remains.. can you be friends with your spouse and make compromises?
I am not married myself but am around lots of married people and their complaint is always not seeing eye to eye on things well financial..
problem also when you marry after you've matured is that you're pretty independent and set in your ways.. difficult to make compromises then.. there's a reason God put those emotions in us when we're teenagers and not well in our thirties.. but it is a catch 22 really.. can't afford much let alone marriage and kids when you're a teenager but you do have a chance to grow with someone and understand them..

my two cents and Allah swt knows best

[Snowflake]

:sl:

If these divorces have happened despite people being educated on their duties and rights of spouses then that's really sad.


I remember once bro Takumi (may Allah's blessings be with him wherever he is) said that parents-to-be should have lessons in how to raise children. I thought that made a lot of sense. I think something similar should be done for people getting married. Controlling anger and emotions are all an important part of keeping things from blowing up. Being prepared for something is half the battle won. Imaans should acknowledge the rising divorce rates and get more involved with the couple prior to the nikah. He question their knowledge on the matter and make sure both people pray - since if a person neglects prayer then what else is he going to neglect? He should refuse to do the nikah because of the following and advise:

“But if they repent [by rejecting Shirk (polytheism) and accept Islamic Monotheism], perform As-Salaat (Iqaamat-as-Salaat) and give Zakaat, then they are your brethren in religion.” [al-Tawbah 9:11]

Imaam Ahmad said that the one who does not pray because of laziness is a kaafir. This is the more correct view and is that indicated by the evidence of the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, and by the words of the Salaf and the proper understanding. (Al-Sharh al-Mumti’ ‘ala Zaad al-Mustanqi’, 2/26).


Anyone who examines the texts of the Qur’aan and Sunnah will see that they indicate that the one who neglects the prayer is guilty of Kufr Akbar (major kufr) which puts him beyond the pale of Islam.
http://islamqa.com/en/ref/5208

It should also be emphasized that divorce is the most hated of all permissible acts in the eyes of Allah and that it shouldn't be taken lightly. He should drum this into people's heads, and educate them on the obligations of marriage, overlooking faults and all the rest of it. The new couple should be able to contact him for advice as needed.

But we could also help the ummah by educating youngsters around us, forwarding articles/lectures and so on as much as we could. And marriage seminars would be a great idea. Dinner included.

[piXie]

Re: Staying married

Its not really about staying married. Its about staying happily married.

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[Alpha Dude]

Good points, Bluebell and AmaturRahman.

What are some of the more pettier reasons for which people get divorced over?

Its not really about staying married. Its about staying happily married.

Lol. Of course. :)

[Ghazalah]

Communication is a big factor. So many marriages fail because the spouses don't communicate, don't spend quality time together to keep the love and affection there between the two.

It's a like a computer... You understand it's language, the way it functions and you will get along just fine. But when it doesn't work, or something's wrong with it but you don't know what, that's where the problems lies, not understanding because lack of communication and we end up take our anger out on it.

^This is just an analogy to see things in a different perspective, I'm not saying every marriage are like computers lol :embarrass

[SFatima]

I know a marriage where a guy divorced his wife because she added a previous flame to her facebook :omg:

Another just divorced because the Mom could not get along with the wife, only son, so jealous mom.

Another , requested by the girl since the girl did not wish to live in an un islamic country and the man was trying to shift all his family there, she had only nikah done, had not left the parents house, so it was off soon.

[MustafaMc]

those same stats will tell you that financial problems is the number one reason for divorce..

I think marriage like everything else needs working on everyday .. well after you've gotten all the raging hormones out of your system one question remains.. can you be friends with your spouse and make compromises?
I am not married myself but am around lots of married people and their complaint is always not seeing eye to eye on things well financial..

I agree with you. Financial arrangements are very important and that should be discussed before marriage, including 1) will the wife work outside the home, 2) if so, how will the children be taken care of, 3) day-to-day money management and paying bills, 4) if wife doesn't work, how to make an allowance for her personal needs and reasonable desires, 5) how to decide big-ticket purchases, etc. Think of a marriage almost as a business partnership, but with emotional and physical intimacy not found anywhere else.

[Alpha Dude]

I know a marriage where a guy divorced his wife because she added a previous flame to her facebook :omg:.

I'd say that is a pretty understandable reason.

[joyous fairy]

I think the most important things in a marriage are: learning and respecting each others rights, trusting your spouse and discussing important issues before making big decisions that will affect the family/relationship.

The financial aspect is important, however, serious financial problems can be avoided if both spouses discussed issues and came up with solutions before the problem becomes too big to solve. So I'd say communication leads to breakdown of marriage.

But really, all marriages are different so this cant be generalised.

[Alpha Dude]

Experience counts for a lot and as I'm not married, what I say would have to be taken with a pinch of salt as its just speculation on my part but I think one of the most important things is, people need an actual firm resolve and commitment to make the marriage work come rain or shine to begin with, no matter what may happen to them in future (again, ignoring serious stuff like abuse, infidelity etc). E.g. husband loses his job, wife loses baby in miscarriage etc. A firm resolve to remain together would help them get through such difficult experiences.

And that's not just for the serious stuff. A firm resolve is necessary to overcome even relatively petty stuff perhaps related to character flaws or certain attributes which might come to light after marriage that one doesn't particularly like about the spouse. E.g. laziness, not willing to help out in the house, being moody or even silly stuff like not liking the way he or she talks, walks etc. Something that should not really be cause for a divorce.

With the presence of such determination along with trust in Allah, the couple can offer counsel and make plenty of dua that things get better and/or learn to live/tolerate those unchangeable aspects. Life is not meant to be rosy and we have to accept nobody is perfect. There will always be something that will nag us. Some things will take many months or even years to get better or acceptable hence patience is a necessity. Marriage is an investment of sorts so one shouldn't back out as soon as the going gets tough. Indeed, some people will find petty issues too hard to deal with. People nowadays seem to take the easy way out of a situation that isn't to their liking without fighting for it.

In addition to resolve, I imagine each party must embody most of the following qualities in their dealings with each other: Patience, selflessness, tolerance, sense of devotion to each other, good communication and forgiving nature among other such common positive attributes.

As with anything in life, above all, a proper devotion to Allah such that one doesn't overstep the boundaries (with each other).

[joyous fairy]

I'd say that is a pretty understandable reason.

lol, I know of some sisters who are not allowed to have FB because their husbands say so. One of my friends isnt even allowed to have pictures taken, even by her friends. Not because he believes pictures are haram, but other reasons. But, their husbands have FB lol.

[Salahudeen]

Never go to bed on a argument and forgive each others little mistakes such as leaving the lid off things and not putting clothes away in the cupboard, and spend time apart so you don't suffocate each other and when you're apart you'll miss each other and then your time together will be more special. Also be understanding of each other and don't have high expectations and try to avoid criticizing each other and don't let the compliments dry up after the honeymoon period.

Don't over complicate things, and whatever she cooks all ways say "this is the best dish i've tasted" even if you think it's revolting :heated: be playful and not all ways serious, do the romantic things that the prophet (saw) would do, like when she drinks from a glass put your mouth on the same spot she did, and when she enters the room get up and offer her your chair, don't look at other women at all or comment on other women, actually talk to her and tell her how you're feeling, tell her you love her every night and don't go to sleep without saying it cos words effect a persons heart.

Value each others opinion and don't belittle something she says or does, all ways show your appreciation when she does stuff like cleaning and cooking, buy her gifts doesn't have to be expensive, but the fact you took the time out to do it means a lot, communication is key, don't hide your feelings, if your unhappy about something talk about it in a calm manner when you're both relaxed and if things start to heat up and you see an argument coming defuse the situation by making a joke or doing something silly so you both laugh and avoid the argument :hmm: tell her often how much she means to you and reassure her that there's no other woman you'd rather be with than her, talk about your fears with her and open up to her, don't hide anything at all, tell her how much better life is with her in it and you never wanna go back to life without her, tell her how happy she makes you feel, just make her feel special cos she is, look at how long it took you to find her :) do and say these things often, real warm moments.

If you're at work all day make sure you text her at some point telling her you're thinking of her and how much you miss her and can't wait to get home to see her.

above all, all ways be understanding, there's going to be lots of times when things don't go your way learn to accept that in a mature manner, if she's too tired to cook or do something else put yourself in her shoes and understand where she's coming from. She's the love of your life, the woman who completes you and makes you feel like you can achieve anything so treat her the way she deserves and not like the house slave. Don't be a demanding dictator, sure certain things are your due right given to you by Allah but at the end of the day she's only a human and she's going to have short comings, so learn to love her short comings and you'll stay happy inshaAllah.

Also you may have lost someone in the past that you loved, and you try to draw similarities with the new person you're married to, and the person you lost in the past, this will never work because everyone is unique, you just have to learn to love again, you're never going to find someone like the person you lost, but you can find someone else who can offer you the same things and you may even be happier.

I went on a rant :hmm:

[Alpha Dude]

"this is the best dish i've tasted" even if you think it's revolting :heated:

Lol. If you say it with that face, she'll never believe you.

[Salahudeen]

Lol. If you say it with that face, she'll never believe you.

Lol a good task is to pratice your "mmmm this is the best dish I ever tasted" face :p

[ardianto]

The only thing that can save marriage from divorce is intention to always defend this marriage.

Okay, today is my busy day. I'll be back, InshaAllah.

[Futuwwa]

Never take your spouse for granted. Reclaim your love every day :)

[piXie]

Lol a good task is to pratice your "mmmm this is the best dish I ever tasted" face :p

Dont act THAT happy, what if she makes it again?

[ardianto]

"this is the best dish i've tasted" even if you think it's revolting

In Islamic lecture at Saturday, the lectures said "Lie to please our spouse is permissible. In example, if our wives cook food that not delicious, you can lie with tell her, that food is delicious".

That's what I did to my wife. Few years ago she cooked a food that I didn't like. And she asked me "Is it delicious ?". To please her I told her it's delicious although that food actually not delicious. She asked me again "Do you like this food ?". To please her I told her I like that food. Then she told me "Okay, I will cook food like this again for you"

Until now she often cook that food. So, I must lie, and lie again. :D

[ardianto]

those same stats will tell you that financial problems is the number one reason for divorce..

Marriage is not a job. Relationship between husband and wife is different than relationship between employer and employee. Wife serve her husband not because she expect money. Husband give money to his wife not as payment for the wife service.

In job, employee can leave the employer if the employer can't afford to pay the employee. But marriage is different. Marriage is sacred ties between two persons to build a family. One pillar in building a family is loyalty. Another one from some other pillar is togetherness.

Not every husband is lucky. There are husband who get financial problem causes by lost job, or can't get better job. In this situation all the husband need is loyalty from the wife who always support him, and if necessary, looking for job too to overcome this financial problem. This is the time when the husband need his wife's support, loyalty, and love.

The only divorce because financial problem that morally acceptable is if this financial problem caused by the husband laziness.

There was a time when I was in financial difficulty, and my family lived in hard life. But my wife was never thinking to leave me, she's always loyal, and always support me. Amazing ?. No ! what she did was not amazing here. Indonesian women are great in loyalty when their husbands are in hard time.

That's why financial problem is not a reason to ask divorce in Indonesia.

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum,

I am not good in writing but I will humbly share hoping that some of my bros and sis will learn a bit from our relation.

It's too early to tell and I dont know the future but if my current relation continues, I think we will stay happily married till end inshallah.

1. All the credit goes to Allah (swt), He puts aloot of love

in my HUSBAND's heart towards his shaytana

wife (me)

We

each other and always lift each other's spirit, we are both frank & honest, we are each other's armor

So I dont know if this is secret, I am not bluffing but I would honestly tell you all that we are indeed happily married: ALHAMDOLLELAH countless times 1000000000xxxxxx

1. WE PRAY TOGETHER
2. BUSY TIME
We both work+ We do small business together, on top of that we rest alot & sleep like 7-8hrs daily
3. WE ARE BOTH NOT DEMANDING and trying to live by means and not material, we are contented
We are pretty clever when it comes to spending (I dont mind buying 2nd hand clothes), we know wasters are brothers of shaytan but we treat each other with good food

,

Now, I will say what makes me happy as a wife (im the right icon lol)

1. He has huge patience, never initiates madness moments too
2. He deals with my mood properly, he is good observer & quite brilliant
-when I am truly upset for valid reason, he won't leave me hanging, he likes to solve it asap
-when I am upset for nonsense reason, he will leave me alone and ignore me (HAHA i deserve this)
My husband will never allow himself or anyone to even upset me, that's assurance
3. He is not controlling man
never he controls my life, my single life and marriage life is somewhat the same!!! surprisingly yes it is, 1st he didnt ask me to be A Muslim and second HAAA! I still enjoy laziness (i dont cook!)
4. He sees my worth
-There are many things I am not good at and there are few things I'm excellent - he shows me where I'm good at and seek my advise and follows it
-He allows me to work, grow and contribute and we do charity together
5. He is BIG FAT Liar and i love it
-When I cook he would compliment me till he cant breath and indeed finish the food into pieces

, when his sister cook and its a bit salty he would give her a little sermon

6. He serves his mom (he love her more than he loves me & I just love it!) as well as his family
7. Miscellaneous (together)
He dont have addiction, okay he loves movie but he dont have addiction to anything be it sports or cars

, he never taste alcohol and not smoking too, just a bit of seesha

He never reject me and he knows how to please me, sometimes he iron

my clothes OR clean

around, while I would massage him for 3 minutes

,
he always arrange our food

while I would try harder to cook

,



Oh I love to joke around, tease him

and even if I hurt him physically

, he would still give me his sweet smile

, When we walk around the malls we enjoy looking at pretty faces

and exchange comments, if I demand him to entertain me he would do Arab dancing

and also trying hard to show off

, even when i do this "

" accidentally and intentionally he wont embarass me which makes me feel real comfortable with him (which he never did in front of me because he said it is HARRAM, HAAAA! I hope i will not come accross with any HADITH)



In top of all I can say love is not enough and I intended to respect him, improve inshallah & i wont do anything behind his back (or anyone's back)
Being Muslim makes things alot easier, though I am not perfect (and so is he) we know what's right from wrong and we have total guidance, we also take things not too serious,,,
avoiding a big sin can make us stick together inshallah

Heeeehee so you see, its GIVE (give give give) and I (take) policy

[جوري]

That's why financial problem is not a reason to ask divorce in Indonesia.

Yeah it is a bit more complicated than that I think..
I am certainly glad it isn't a factor in some of our societies..

:w:

[SFatima]

mashAllah riana 17, MashAllah MashAllah, may you two grow in love and in deen together with your families, may Allah swt bless you more aammen :)

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

You guys have it all wrong. It's simple, really. I learned this from watching my father over the years with my mother.

The woman is always right. So just agree with everything she says. Problem solved. Thread closed. You can all go home now.

And you're welcome.

:D

[Alpha Dude]

Haha, KoN. Now, that is the kind of practical advice I was after. Great stuff. :D

[Riana17]

mashAllah riana 17, MashAllah MashAllah, may you two grow in love and in deen together with your families, may Allah swt bless you more aammen :)

Salam to all

Brother KoN that's funny but not true, infact women knows men are wise in decision making, women takes emotion when we makes decision so most probably we are wrong most of the time and we know it.

Salam Alaikkum Sister,
thanks alot for your DUAA (really appreciated), all praise is due to Allah


heres for you

[Soulja Girl]

:sl:

Okay, this is really bugging me..

What if he doesn't have a good dress sense.. :(

And yea inno we're not supposed to look at all that, we're supposed to look at piety and what's in the heart etc, but thats one thing I can't stand.. :hiding:

..&& suppose he doesn't like what I like :ooh: I will NOT be able to hack that!

Back to topic, what amazes me most is how happy my Mum and Dad are.. They understand each other so well.. They love each other so much.. Never in my entire life have I seen them argue.. They may have their tiffs and disagreements once in a while, but nothing so serious.. And Dad, he won't complain about ANYTHING! Whatever food we'll give him, be it leftovers, he'll have it without a word.. He'll even have Crisp & Butter Sandwiches with us lot.. :D.. I've heard men who want their food on time, and are particular about what they eat, and if they don't get what they want, World War Three is about to start.. ^o).. Alhamdulillah, we've never had any sort of problem in our family.. :).. And I pray Allah always keeps it like that..I wish every guy was like Dad.. *sigh*

I think Marriage is based on love and understanding and not taking petty and silly stuff to heart, to forgive and to forget.. To learn from your mistakes.. To be happy and forever smiling.. Thanking Allah that you've both got each other every day.. To be content with whatever Allah has given you.. To be patient if you're having a hard time.. And the list goes on..

:wa:

[Riana17]

:sl:

Okay, this is really bugging me..

What if he doesn't have a good dress sense.. :(

And yea inno we're not supposed to look at all that, we're supposed to look at piety and what's in the heart etc, but thats one thing I can't stand.. :hiding:

..&& suppose he doesn't like what I like :ooh: I will NOT be able to hack that!



:wa:

Salam Alaikkum Sis,

May Allah reward your parents, I think they had strong fight too but I guess they are clever to keep it between them. Subhanallah, may they have longer and happy life.

My husband is too good in clothing & he showers twice/day mostly, he even sends his clothes to laundry for perfect ironing, he is good in matching colors too, once upon a time i am wearing complicated clothes, now 95% of my clothes are simple like the photo below, i like Zara, h&m, forever21 or Bershka or whatever quality brands that makes this design (im not copying west, no indeed they make good clothes).
I am convert to ISLAM and this kind of clothing is perfect for me coz its pretty long and doesnt show body shape (I am thin as the photo-I dont know for others, shape might show?), I would wear shirt inside too for double protection

To answer you query, I guess your not married yet? when you marry you can take care of his clothes, men have few clothes design and he may not be talented in taking care of his clothing but you can do that slowly (buying him clothes as gift is good way to change his wardrobe in gentle way).

[Salahudeen]

:sl:

Okay, this is really bugging me..

What if he doesn't have a good dress sense.. :(

And yea inno we're not supposed to look at all that, we're supposed to look at piety and what's in the heart etc, but thats one thing I can't stand.. :hiding:

..&& suppose he doesn't like what I like :ooh: I will NOT be able to hack that!

Back to topic, what amazes me most is how happy my Mum and Dad are.. They understand each other so well.. They love each other so much.. Never in my entire life have I seen them argue.. They may have their tiffs and disagreements once in a while, but nothing so serious.. And Dad, he won't complain about ANYTHING! Whatever food we'll give him, be it leftovers, he'll have it without a word.. He'll even have Crisp & Butter Sandwiches with us lot.. :D.. I've heard men who want their food on time, and are particular about what they eat, and if they don't get what they want, World War Three is about to start.. ^o).. Alhamdulillah, we've never had any sort of problem in our family.. :).. And I pray Allah always keeps it like that..I wish every guy was like Dad.. *sigh*

I think Marriage is based on love and understanding and not taking petty and silly stuff to heart, to forgive and to forget.. To learn from your mistakes.. To be happy and forever smiling.. Thanking Allah that you've both got each other every day.. To be content with whatever Allah has given you.. To be patient if you're having a hard time.. And the list goes on..

:wa:

Then you take him shopping and put him in the clothes you'd find him irresistible in :hmm:

[Ghazalah]

What if he doesn't have a good dress sense..

And yea inno we're not supposed to look at all that, we're supposed to look at piety and what's in the heart etc, but thats one thing I can't stand..

..&& suppose he doesn't like what I like I will NOT be able to hack that!

Ah. At last, I'm not alone! I dress the males in my household (not literally) but I tell them what to wear and what not to wear lol plus, what husband would not take the advice of his wife when she is advising him on how to look 'irresistible' :giggling:

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

My mom and my sister bought most of what I wear regularly.

I can't remember the last time I bought any clothes for myself.

But then, I don't really care how I look.

Maybe that's my problem.

Well, aside from the not being the kind of man I should be bit.

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you all;

Nothing can ever prepare you for marriage, I think relationships are one of the toughest things we face in life, if there are any tensions between the couple, having children will only compound those problems, children rarely seem to reconcile problems.

Marriage is really hard work, it is two imperect people coming together, and if they have children, they are imperfect also. The longer you are together, it seems the harder you have to strive to keep the marriage alive, and I have only been married 26 years, you get a shorter sentence for murder !!!!

Give in as often as possible, forgive constantly, spend time together, because the real way you spell love is TIME, or doing time. Give your spouse as much freedom as possible, but with freedom comes responsibilities.

We struggled financially for a number of years, although I have been the main bread winner, my wife has more control over how the money is spent. I have been happy to trust her, even though we have had a few arguments over money.

Tough thing to do but if you can put God first, spouse second and self third, this is the recipee for happiness.

Blessings

Eric

[MustafaMc]

Peace EricH,

You pointed out an important aspect of staying married and that is an ability to forgive. I believe that all relationships will have at one time or another and to various degrees disagreements, arguments, misunderstandings and hurt feelings that require regular doses of forgiveness. What is more difficult to forgive, however, is when one or the other transgresses reasonable limits and betrays the others trust. If something serious like this happens, then a person has to decide if they want to remain married or to split up and go separate ways. If they stay together, then the offended one will have to reach deep inside and pull up a huge portion of forgiveness that surpasses reasoned understanding. The offender will have to come to grips with what he or she has done and strive to the nth degree to never repeat the offense.

We have been married 25+ years, but I can't imagine life alone, unless that is what Allah (swt) has willed for me. It is good to have someone to share one's life with - watch a movie, go to a gourd festival, watch purple martins with, share in growing a garden and preserving the vegetables, taking care of chickens - you know just everyday things spent together is better than alone.

[Alpha Dude]

Tough thing to do but if you can put God first, spouse second and self third, this is the recipee for happiness.

Excellent statement, Eric.

[ardianto]

Tips to staying married.


Always believe, marriage happen because Allah wanted us to marry. Our spouses are persons who given by Allah to us. We are the persons who given by Allah to our spouses. It is our duty to always treat our spouses well, and it is our duty to always be together with our spouses in happiness and in sadness.

Our children are gifts from Allah. Is our responsibility to raise our children on the right path. And our responsibilty to give them a happy family life with father and mother who always be together with them.

Marriage is a huge responsibility. Not responsibility to the people but responsibility to Allah. Always remember, in the hereafter we will be held accountable for what we have done on our wives/husbands and for our children in the world.

Always believe, each trial in our married life really is a test from Allah to measure how well we can assume our responsibilities.

Mistakes made by our spouses is a test for our patience, and it is our duty to tell them either that what they did was wrong

Always make our spouses happy and feel comfort in life with us.

[Abdul-Raouf]

Our Prophet did stay away for a while when it was not happy to be at home.

The Halal action.. which ALLAH discourage us to do is... Divorce.

Dont react harsh... do not shout... instead of shouting.. just stay calm...react softly. If your attitude is good.. it will change ur partner as well.. if you are calm. If you react hard... things might get worst.


Patience is the key to a long lasting relationship :)

[ardianto]

Patience is the key to a long lasting relationship

;D ;D ;D

What was imagined in my mind when I read the sentence above was, Abdul-Raouf wife relax on sofa and yelling at him "Husband ...! cook food !, wash the dishes !, wash the clothes ! ironing the clothes ! clean up the house !"

And when Abdul-Raouf start to angry, his wife remind him with "Patience is the key to a long lasting relationship"

[Abdul-Raouf]

^^^ Hope that doesnt happen.. :) .. If it happens.. I will show her this post.. :D ... then things will get normal :)

I think bro ardianto... you are married to think like this .. correct?? :p

Dua Please.... Im yet to get married... looking to get married soon...:)

[ardianto]

^^^ Hope that doesnt happen.. .. If it happens.. I will show her this post.. ... then things will get normal

I think bro adrianto... you are married to think like this .. correct

Dua Please.... Im yet to get married... looking to get married soon...

InshaAllah, bro. I will make du'aa, wish Allah give you a beautiful, kind, and pious woman as your wife.

:)

[ardianto]

infact women knows men are wise in decision making, women takes emotion when we makes decision so most probably we are wrong most of the time and we know it.

Men are not always wise in decision making. Since they were kids, men had been taught to be brave. But sometime this bravery makes them over confident and boldly take speculative decision. Women take emotion, but they are more careful than men.

Men need women to control their decision and action.

My mom and my sister bought most of what I wear regularly.

I can't remember the last time I bought any clothes for myself.

But then, I don't really care how I look.

Okay, about appearance.

I knew some husbands who married again with other women. And I noticed, there were similarity between their old wives. They were housewives who always serve their husbands in the houses, but they didn't care with their appearance, and never dressed well.

Might be this was one of the reason why their husbands got married again. Because naturally husbands always want their wives look good.

Same like women. They always want their husbands look good too. So, husband need to always care to their appearance and make themselves look good.

By the way, now I am in a diet program, after my wife told me I am too fat now. :D

[Reflections]

I think that is a constant worry when getting married..will it last? Somehow I see it as a door of option for divorce to take place. Like I know certain inderviduals when they were engaged they would say, 'I'll see how it goes for a year and take it from there..' Why let there be an option for divorce subhanAllah. Marriage is give and take, its not a bed of roses because even roses and thornsm rather its about understanding each other and compromising...for the sake of Allah swt...Marriage is based on taqwa so being God fearing and God concious is essential to.

And Allah knows best

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

I guess I've just been alone so long that I'm used to it. I find comfort in my solitude. I can't even imagine having a girlfriend, much less a wife.

It's always been just me, and it's always been about me. Adding someone else to that equation would be a bit odd, I have to say.

[Salahudeen]

:sl:

I guess I've just been alone so long that I'm used to it. I find comfort in my solitude. I can't even imagine having a girlfriend, much less a wife.

It's always been just me, and it's always been about me. Adding someone else to that equation would be a bit odd, I have to say.

You've been this way for so long anything else will feel totally weird right?

[Who Am I?]

You've been this way for so long anything else will feel totally weird right?

:sl:

Yep. That's it.

At least I don't have to worry about anyone else though. I can do what I want and it only affects me.

[Ghazalah]

It's always been just me, and it's always been about me. Adding someone else to that equation would be a bit odd, I have to say.

Coming out of your comfort zone when needed can help you in many ways. You never know, having a wife may make you a better person and bring you closer to Allah swt.

[Who Am I?]

Coming out of your comfort zone when needed can help you in many ways. You never know, having a wife may make you a better person and bring you closer to Allah swt.

Well see, I think that I need to become a better person first. Then maybe I can look at finding a wife. Otherwise I don't think it's fair to a sister if I can't be the best husband and man that I can. I might as well just remain single if I can't take care of her like I am supposed to.

[Reflections]

^No one can be the best husband realistically speaking..in that case no one could get married :/

[Alpha Dude]

Like I know certain inderviduals when they were engaged they would say, 'I'll see how it goes for a year and take it from there..'

This is exactly the kind of attitude I was referring to earlier when I said there needs to be an actual firm resolve to make it work.

I did think people were rather half-hearted and tend to want the easy way out when things get tough but I'm surprised there are people who actually hold such openly selfish plans.

[Who Am I?]

^No one can be the best husband realistically speaking..in that case no one could get married :/

:sl:

Then I guess I'm not getting married. If I do this, I want to do it right, and right now I can't do it right. So, I won't do it.

Easy solution to a difficult problem.

[Soulja Girl]

:sl:

^Who said you can't be the best Husband..? Like they say, love is blind so to your Wife, you'll ALWAYS be first best.. Unless she doesn't love you, thats a different story.. :X

You can do it, you just choose not to!

:wa:

[Nate]

I have been married 8 years today, we are one of the only couple still married in our high school class (first time) at first we had everything in common, but as he got older we grew apart on interest and ideas, but as long as we lines cross here and there it works great, were happy a majority of the time, but we work through the bad times, but I could do better and hope to, she puts up with a lot from me.:wub:

[Muhaba]

mutual understanding is one of the most important thing that will help couples stay married insha-Allah. i think most divorces that happen happen for very trivial reasons.

[ardianto]

I have been married 8 years today, we are one of the only couple still married in our high school class (first time) at first we had everything in common, but as he got older we grew apart on interest and ideas, but as long as we lines cross here and there it works great, were happy a majority of the time, but we work through the bad times, but I could do better and hope to, she puts up with a lot from me.

Hey, hey, I thought I am the only member here who married a high school classmate. :D

My wife was my classmate in grade 12 in high school. We were coming from two different background, I was from middle class family, and she was from poor family. I remember, when first time I came to her home, I felt compassion to see her her life. He lived in very small house in slum area.

Then we made friendship which I was very close not only with her but also with her family. It was strange because she had a boyfriend, but she and her family were closer to me than to her boyfriend.

Our friendship were very very close. She never doubt to tell me everything, including her complain about her boyfriend who treated her very bad. And some time I bought her clothes or other stuff that she want. I didn't know why, I had a feeling I must always care on her and I must gave her everything that she want. This feeling always made me wonder.

I often visited her home, and sometime I went out with her. Only with her. But there was something that we always avoid, physical contact.

Then we graduated from high school. I registered to a state university, she registered state institute for teacher. Her father told me, that was the only choice. Other universities or institutes were too expensive for him.

But we failed in test. Then I studied in other city, and she stayed at home. But she often sent me letters, and every time I back to my city I always visited her and brought some gifts for her.

Almost a year after I studied in university, I visited her and I saw her in sadness. She wanted to study, but her parent couldn't afford to pay study fee, and her abusive boyfriend didn't care about it. Again, I got a feeling I must care on her and must give what she want. So, I told her parent, I would pay her study fee if she want to study in university. But her parent told me, it's too hard for a student like me to pay study fee. Then she told me she wanted to take one year computer course. I agree. She registered in a computer course and I paid her study fee.

A year later, I started to leave her, and cut my friendship after I proposed a marriage to another girl.

But then destiny happened. That girl left me and married another man. And I married ..... someone who meet again with me. Easy to guess, who.

Now I have been married her for 17 years, now we have two sons, and now I already got an answer why in the past I always had feeling I must care on her, must gave everything that she want. She's a woman who had been chosen by Allah as my wife in the future. :)

Yes, that's my feeling on her. And this feeling make want to always make her happy, always forgive every mistake that made by her. And made me promise, whatever happen to her I will always love her.


Okay, I know friendship between opposite gender is forbidden, but my friendship with my wife was a friendship that lead to marriage. There's a destiny in it.

[Soulja Girl]

:sl:

^Sweet.. :).. Amost like Romeo & Juliet loll.. xD

May Allah continue to bless you and your Wife in you married life..

:wa:

[Futuwwa]

:sl:

^Who said you can't be the best Husband..? Like they say, love is blind so to your Wife, you'll ALWAYS be first best.. Unless she doesn't love you, thats a different story.. :X

You can do it, you just choose not to!

:wa:

Please don't blame the brother for lack of effort, for you are talking about something you have no way of knowing about.

[Soulja Girl]

:sl:

^Its not called blamin loll.. ^o)

And how would you know I'm talking about something I have "no way" of knowing about huh..? Trust me, I know..

Peace out

:wa:

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

^Who said you can't be the best Husband..? Like they say, love is blind so to your Wife, you'll ALWAYS be first best.. Unless she doesn't love you, thats a different story.. :X

You can do it, you just choose not to!

:wa:

:sl:

Fair enough, but I choose not to because I don't love myself yet. If I don't love myself, then no woman will ever love me. I am learning to love myself, but it may be a while before I can honestly say that I like who I am. Right now I am not there, so yes, I choose not to find a wife.

[Ansariyah]

Abd al-Malik (Radia Allahu anhu) said: When Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her and said:

O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.
The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

Show him as much honor and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and protect you.

Jamharah Khutah al-Arab, 1/145

Taken from:Â http://theclearsunnah.wordpress.com/...-for-marriage/

[Snowflake]

Good points, Bluebell and AmaturRahman.

What are some of the more pettier reasons for which people get divorced over?

Lol. Of course. :)

I've known people to want divorce for simply not being attracted to to their spouse anymore. I detest that idea. The strongest feelings a believer feels in his/her lifetime are that of imaan. But even that can go up and down. Then why not give the marriage time and work at recreating those feelings again. Plus lack of physical attraction needn't mean lack of a physical relationship. It is possible through mutual respect and care, that a more meaningful love and real companionship develops to carry them through the rest of their lives. People really should try to stick it out provided the marriage doesn't become harmful to them. Only then it divorce should be considered as the last resort.

[.iman.]

mashAllah, good advice in this thread. I actually just watched a video regarding this subject. I can't post a link but it is from the Deen show (deenshow.com), click on watch videos, click on topics, click on marriage and divorce, and the name of the video is "Stories of Divorce." (if someone could post the video that could be helpful!) :thumbs_up

Anyway, the Imam raises a good point that many marriages fail because the husband and the wife don't clearly understand the roles of husband and wife, including the rights and responsibilities. Once they get mixed up, problems start to occur. He also talks about outside influence (family/friends) and how that can be detrimental to a marriage if they interfere too much. Have a watch, good advice!

[ardianto]

mashAllah, good advice in this thread. I actually just watched a video regarding this subject. I can't post a link but it is from the Deen show (deenshow.com), click on watch videos, click on topics, click on marriage and divorce, and the name of the video is "Stories of Divorce." (if someone could post the video that could be helpful!)

http://www.thedeenshow.com/videos.ph...atured&id=1984

[.iman.]

^ thank you brother :thumbs_up

[Ali_008]

Marriage is treated like a joke these days. As long as the couple love each other and are willing to retain the marriage for any sake, they'll do it. It is true that you can't force anyone into a relationship but a relationship doesn't stay afloat on its own either. It needs understanding, compassion, voluntary acts and compromises. Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed me with a smart, pious and beautiful wife. We do have our disagreements but our affection for each other remains primary (All thanks to Allah) and hence it never is a burden to be with her.

I am going through a bad phase right now and Alhamdulillah MashAllah she has been so patient about it. It has been on for quite some time now but still she hardly complains.

Incompatibility can be a reason for divorce but a heated argument never can. It only depicts that both the parties have become too selfish to be even bothered about the relationship. :unhappy:

[taz...]

As far as what i've seen around me (i'm not married) its a give and take situation. these days, people take take take or give give give.
Its that simple.