Lawful Wives or Unlawful Girlfriends

[sis muslimah]

As humans male or female, we all want to be cared for and loved, occasionally needing the odd hug or shoulder to cry on in times of hardship or sadness. Unfortunately, we live in a society today that is corrupt to say the least, but is also one that even Muslims wish to look up to, especially when it comes to the opposite gender. It has become the norm to walk down the street and see couples walking hand in hand with each other, oblivious to the world around them. Intimacy is something cherished that should be kept behind closed doors and not flaunted in the street, and it is sad to see Muslims as the victims of these corrupt ideals.


You only need to walk through the streets of London, Birmingham, Manchester etc. to see boys and girls walking freely alongside each other, working out where to go for lunch or what film to watch in the cinema that evening. Eid day is the most disheartening; on a day when Muslims should be spending time with their families dressed modestly in a halal environment, you see them in their hoards in limousines creating more pollution with the sound of Indian music blasting out the windows. Inside, a handful of male youths are being lured by a girl or two who have taken the opportunity of this blessed day to spend time with their boyfriends, half dressed in something that can barely be passed off as a clothing.


The Muslim woman is a treasured pearl who should be elevated and protected. However, she has become a victim and slave to Western society, which dictates that it is abnormal not to have a boyfriend. If she hasn’t lost her virginity by the age of 14 she is seen as an outcast, so she allows herself to be dishonoured by a man before she even knows how to think for herself. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an, ‘"And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." [EMQ 17:32]


So why then do Muslims engage in such sick practices? Anyone reading this may think, ‘I have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and I’ve never slept with them. I would never do that, that is just wrong’, but the Messenger (saw) described the different types of fahishah and that which leads to it. He (saw) said, ‘Zina is lustful glances which constitutes zina of the eyes; listening (to flirtations etc) is zina of the ears; lewd speech constitutes zina of the tongue; the lustful grip of the hand becomes zina, and the movement of the feet is likewise [Bukhari and Muslim]


It is clear from the above hadith that even the holding of a hand, or less than that, an innocent look constitutes zina, and opens the gate for disobedience. Islam, being divine and from Allah, nips all problems in the bud and does not pave the way for sin, as is evident when the Prophet (saw) said, ‘Whenever a man is alone (in khalwa) with a woman, the devil makes a third’ [Tirmidhi].


How many cases have there been when a woman has cried sexual harassment or even rape after being alone with her employer? What about those numerous cases of female teachers who had intercourse with teenage male students and were impregnated and consequently arrested for paedophilia? Closer to home, how many young Muslim girls have had abortions because, ‘one thing led to another’ with their boyfriend. Had they obeyed Allah and not put themselves in such a situation, they would not have had to face such consequences.


The Prophet (saw) said, ‘If one of you were to be stabbed in the head with a piece of iron it would be better for him than if he were to touch a woman whom it is not permissible for him to touch.’ This is the importance of keeping distance from the opposite gender.


So how is it possible for a person to be loved you may ask?


Desire is something that is innate within all of us. Allah (swt) has created humans with feelings and emotions that adhere to the natural disposition (fitrah) of each individual. He says, ‘And We have created you in pairs’ [EMQ 78:8], and the Messenger (Saw) said, ‘O young people! Whoever among you can support a wife should marry, for that is more modest for the gaze and safer for your private parts.'

Here we can see that from the moment we feel a desire, we should get married. It may be a big thing, especially for someone so young, but is it not better than the punishment of the Hellfire for committing zina? Of course, you would look for a good Islamic spouse, not just the average Joe who is looking to get married. Marriage is half of our deen, so we should choose a husband or a wife who can take us to Jannah and not Hellfire.

Allah says, ‘And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find quiet of mind in them and He put between you love and compassion" (30:21).


Allah puts love between husband and wife – so it is not necessary for anyone to ‘date’ their future husband as is the trend, particularly in the Asian community. An engagement ring on the finger does not mean that a boy and a girl are married, as they are not bound by that engagement – rather the only way they are bound is by the nikah (Islamic marriage contract).


So it must be clearly understood, that marriage is something beautiful loved by Allah. It is a bond between two people and the best environment in which to raise children. It is not something that should be neglected nor delayed, for this is something that Allah’s dislikes.


And what can be better than pleasing Allah (swt) who created us from nothing, and to whom we will return.

[Abz2000]

i've been through it myself sis and i can tell you it's a lot to do with what you are made to perceive as "normal" - and the tv and school is where it starts, i've unplugged my tv arial and use it to let them play nintendo wii, let them watch cartoons on the net, Islamic as much as possible when i can pay attention, and i plan to home school them when they reach 5 insha Allah.

[TheTruthSeeker]

If she hasn’t lost her virginity by the age of 14 she is seen as an outcast, so she allows herself to be dishonoured by a man before she even knows how to think for herself.

I think that is a little unfair, what about A'ishah?

[Abz2000]

I think that is a little unfair, what about A'ishah?

the sister said:

so she allows herself to be dishonoured by a man before she even knows how to think for herself.

aisha (ra) was NOT dishonoured, she was willingly given in marriage by her guardians to the most respected and sought after man (pbuh) known to them,
it was common practice, another man had apparently also proposed for her hand in marriage before that.
giving your daughter in marriage is not the same as being used as a second hand dart board (something that happens commonly in the west), the father does NOT feel pride, and the brothers look to the ground when among friends. the wives of the Prophet (pbuh) received the utmost respect and so did their parents.

women would come and offer themselves to the prophet (pbuh) despite him already having so many wives (ra), he would sometimes look down and not reply - just for them not to feel hurt at being rejected.

4799. It is related from Sahl ibn Sa'd that a woman came to the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, "Messenger of Allah, I have come to give myself to you." He raised his eyes to her and then looked and then lowered his head. When the woman saw that he had not made any decision about her, she sat down. One of his Companions stood up and said, "Messenger of Allah, if you have no need of her, then marry her to me." He asked, "Do you have anything [to give her]?" He said, "By Allah, no, Messenger of Allah." He said, "Go to your family and see if you can find something." The man went and returned and said, "No, Messenger of Allah, I did not find anything." He said, "Look, even if it is an iron ring." He went and then came back and said, "By Allah, Messenger of Allah, no. I did not even find an iron ring, but I have this sarong (waist-wrapper)." Sahl said, "He did not have a cloak and so she could have half do it." The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "What will she do with your sarong? If you wear it, she will have none of it, and if she wears it, you will have none of it." The man sat down for a long time and then got up. The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, saw him going away and commanded someone to call him. When he came back, he asked, "What do you know of the Qur'an?" He replied, "I know this sura, that sura, and that sura," and he named them. He asked, "Do you recite that by heart?" "Yes," he replied. He said, "Go, I have married you to her for what you know of the Qur'an."


truthseeker, your user-name indicates that you are sincere and open-minded, please do not hesitate to ask sincere questions, and please do no feel offended if some take exception,
peace

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[Who Am I?]

:sl:

Well, this topic comes up at an interesting time. Recently I have been looking back at my past, and some of the women with whom I was involved, and trying to figure out why it didn't work out and why I am still alone. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes it was her fault, and sometimes it was nobody's fault. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I was still with one of those women. Maybe I wouldn't be with anyone. Maybe I would have a couple of kids and be divorced. Who knows?

Living in a sex-crazed Western society is not easy. I see couples everywhere I go. Most of my friends are married or have girlfriends. Yet I sit alone at home every weekend. It angers me and it depresses me, and I'm not sure what I can do about it.

I have heard the talk. I have heard from Muslims and from Christians about why I should marry. I understand all of it. Some of it even makes sense to me. But there is on fundamental problem with this philosophy of "marry to prevent sin." I have to become a better man. I have to become who I am supposed to be. I have to become someone that I am proud of being. Until that happens, I will never be happy, and neither will any woman I am with. Being married will not solve my problems. It will not solve my fundamental issue of self-awareness. It will not help me to undo 20 years of hating myself.

This is my crime, and it is also my punishment. This is my burden to bear for as long as God wills that I bear it.

[Abz2000]

you can't pass half of what you should be until you're married, if it doesn't work out - divorce does not have as much stigma as what we grow up believing (i am from an asian family), the prophet's companions married and divorced, it was not big fight or bust-up.
hey - it's not working out between us two, let's go get a divorce.
still better than the decadence we see around us.

[Who Am I?]

you can't pass half of what you should be until you're married, if it doesn't work out - divorce does not have as much stigma as what we grow up believing (i am from an asian family), the prophet's companions married and divorced, it was not big fight or bust-up.
hey - it's not working out between us two, let's go get a divorce.
still better than the decadence we see around us.

:sl:

Let me just say that this post is not directed at any one person in particular. This is an ongoing argument that I have had with both Muslims and Christians. So if it sounds like I'm picking on you, I am not. With that said, let the rant begin.

This is what I'm talking about right here. You say that I can't "pass half of what I should be until I get married". So you're telling me that I'm somehow incomplete, that I'm defective, that I'm not worth as much as someone who is married. This offends me. I refuse to believe that I can't better myself before finding a wife.

I've tried meeting women. It doesn't work for me, because I'm not comfortable with who I am. Women smell desperation, and I reeked of it for a long time. I refuse to be that whiny sad sack of a man who hit on everything that moved. That is not me anymore. That will never be me again.

I'm not going to be one of those dudes who has 4 ex wives and 6 kids. IF (and this is a big if) I get married, I want it done right the first time.

[Abz2000]

:) no offence taken,

if Adam (pbuh) was not complete without Eve (ra), we would not be here typing, it takes 2 to tango :)

i'll change it to pm, it's personal talk not for all on www

[Who Am I?]

True enough.

I apologize if anyone was offended by what I said. I do take this issue a little personally as you can see.

[TheTruthSeeker]

truthseeker, your user-name indicates that you are sincere and open-minded, please do not hesitate to ask sincere questions, and please do no feel offended if some take exception,
peace

Hi Abz, first off, I will say that I most certainly am open and sincere and if any of my questioning offends, I do apologise as it won't be designed to offend... just me being stupid and insenitive. ;)

I guess I should start out by letting you know where I stand on all this. I am a 33 year old non-practising anything.

My initial post was more to see how a religion that is so very moralising on all things sexual (I know this is not just a preserve of Islam, but most religions), when it is a well documented fact that the Prophet Mohammed had an underage wife. Although I guess you guys must have answered that line a million times, I have never actually approached the subject myself with any Muslim, so was interested to see your thoughts.

Thank you for your reply and, as I said, no offence in any of my questions, just a genuine curiousity.

[Abz2000]

that's fine bro - if you don't ask - you only end up listening to the tv, and i guess you already know whether you'll get the truth from it or not.

in Islam, we look into the reasons behind events and try to make sense of them, and the Prophet (pbuh)'s life is of additional scrutiny to us.
firstly, it was normal practise among the people and it also showed that he was not against it.
then - we look at the psychology and physiology of the human being - man and woman.
when you look at men - you see that they generally go for beauty and chastity (reservedness/not cheap meat) to settle with.
and when you look at women, you see that they don't take into consideration just looks and chastity, but a whole host of things, like maturity, decisiveness, financial security, physical security, strength, influence, social status, respect etc etc.

women reach these criteria at a young age,
and men reach theirs often much later in life.
which is why you saw many parents of daughters going for men who fit the bill - and they would almost always be older.
and men would find their best in younger women - and it is the younger women that you would mostly find the likelihood of chastity (men are image concious in a very different way), and beauty is usually noticed at a young age.

you see this nature practised even in the west - where you see beautiful women leave the choice of handsome men and willingly seek to marry a financially secure or powerful elderly man.
the age itself may seem unnatural to you, but to Muslims, the concept of men marrying men is even more unnatural,
i'm sure you can see how different or normal it can seem - depending on which side of the spectrum you look from.


however - all this is not to be taken as the only criteria.
it is just a generalisation.

the Prophet (pbuh)'s first wife was 40 years old and he (pbuh) was 25 years old, she (ra) was a widow, and he (pbuh) was a bachelor.
she was rich and he was a shepherd who had some knowledge in trade.
rather than his family proposing to hers - she got her sister to propose to him after feeling impressed by his (pbuh) character, then he agreed and got his uncle to sort it out.
and he did not remarry until after she (ra) passed away.

we amazingly have an example to people of all situations.