PDA

View Full Version : potential spouse



anonymous
11-25-2011, 01:19 PM
I hope you are all in the best of imaan. I have alhamdullilah been blessed with many blessings that I am not even close to being thankful for. I know Allah swt tests us with hardships as well as with blessings, so that we are grateful and thankful. With everything else alhamdullilah, Allah has now offered me a proposal from a man who is close to Him. He is humble and beautiful in his speech and character. At the same time he is very active, is a public speaker and posseses many quailities of a leader. Both parties have given the go ahead but I have a strong feeling that I am undeserving of this. I keep thinking.. what deed is Allah swt rewarding me for because I have not offered any good compared to the goodness He has given to me. I have a general problem of doubting my compentency in all areas of mylife, my career, my relations with my family and my obedience to my Creator. I am having doubts of being eligible to be this mans partner and I fear that I will not be the best of company to him. Are my worries natural? is it cold-feet? or is this really not the best for him and me? I always prayed for a man who will lead me towards Allah swt. I *think* I now have that but I can't quite comprehend and accept it.
Reply

Login/Register to hide ads. Scroll down for more posts
Innocent Soul
11-25-2011, 01:36 PM
Assalamualaikum

Its good that you got a proposal of a man who is religious. First of all I want to clear that there is nothing like I don't deserve this thing or someone there is a reason behind everything. Don't allow you this feeling to stop you from getting closer to Allah.

Don't make a permanent decision for your temporary emotion.

There is nothing like 'I would not be able to do' because the main thing when we do something is trying our best. We should just make sure that we are trying our best.

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.
-Mary Manin Morrissey


The heart, in its journey to Allah, Majestic is He, is like that of a bird: love is its head, and fear and hope on its two wings. When the head and two wings are sound, the bird flies gracefully; if the head is severed, the bird dies; if the bird loses one of its wings, it then becomes a target for every hunter or predator.
—Ibn al-Qayyim

Fear NOT moving forward slowly: but rather STANDING STILL
Reply

Salahudeen
11-25-2011, 02:45 PM
Don't think like this, you have just as much right as anyone else to marry someone righteous, if something good comes your way snap it up and don't look back.
Reply

ardianto
11-25-2011, 02:55 PM
:sl:

You got a marriage proposal from a religious man who active in public speaking, has a good character, can be a good leader.

So, what are you waiting for ?. Many women want to have husband like this. :)

Okay, I understand. You think he is too 'high' for you, and you are too 'low' for him. Oh,oh, sis, marriage is not an usual partnership, but a special partnership which the husband becomes the leader. And the good leader will make the follower better.

If the wife religious level is not so good like the husband, the husband will guide the wife to increase her religious level. If the wife 'quality' of ibadah is not so good like the husband, the husband will teaches the wife to increase her 'quality' of ibadah. If the wife doesn't knows which the right way which the wrong way, the husband will lead the wife the right way. Because this is a duty of a husband.

So, if you think you are not good enough as Muslimah, regard this marriage proposal as the way to make you become a better Muslimah.

Once again, and this is important. If a man propose a marriage and the woman doubt to decide, accept or not accept, and this doubt is too long, man usually start thinking "maybe she is not my spouse. okay, I will start looking for another woman". Don't let it happen, sis.
Reply

Welcome, Guest!
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up
anonymous
11-26-2011, 01:16 AM
Aw thank you for the replies. I have no intention of backing out unless something comes up that will make me seriously reconsider. I dont have doubts that he is a great man mashAllah. I just have insecurities of my own and I need to work on that.
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
11-26-2011, 11:41 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Aw thank you for the replies. I have no intention of backing out unless something comes up that will make me seriously reconsider. I dont have doubts that he is a great man mashAllah. I just have insecurities of my own and I need to work on that.
Asalaamu alaikum. Its good to think of ourselves as lower in status than others in the sight of Allah as it makes us humble. But doubting ourselves and our own abilities is from shaythan who is constantly telling us why we cant do this or that. So rid yourself of such thoughts and if you have the ability to do something then thank Allah for giving you the ability to do so.

No matter how pious or "great" we think a person is because how they come across then we should realise that they also have many weaknesses and shortcomings. We should never be decieved into thinking anyone is perfect for they are far from it. He has his weaknessess and short comings just like you have.

So continue to ask of Allah to do what is best for you in this matter. If he is then you will end up marrying him. If hes not then Allah has someone better in store for you. Whatever happens put your trust and reliance in Allah and always accept his decree in all matters.

May Allah do what is best for you in this and in all matters. Ameen.
Reply

Haya emaan
11-26-2011, 02:14 PM
when Allah subhana wa ta'ala grants you with a blessing don't reject it.. if you do so you are becoming ungrateful to Allah(SWT)
you are getting what you have asked for.. What every Muslim pious women asks for. Allah has accepted your prayers..there is something good hidden in it for you as well as for him.. so inspite of doubting on your own self give thanks to Allah.
May Allah give you what is best for you. ameen
Reply

tigerkhan
11-26-2011, 05:35 PM
:sl:
maybe if u missed this favor of Allah swt (as u said he is good and religious), u will regret.
Reply

anonymous
11-27-2011, 03:03 PM
What does Islam say about marrying into a higher social class? Is it sensible to go through with a proposal when there is huge difference in upbringing and background and social priviledges between the two parties?
Reply

Salahudeen
11-27-2011, 03:09 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
What does Islam say about marrying into a higher social class? Is it sensible to go through with a proposal when there is huge difference in upbringing and background and social priviledges between the two parties?
I don't know what social class is, but differences in up bringing are good I think, you can talk about your different up bringings with each other and how your up bringings effected you as people. would make for interesting convo. If you were both the same what would you talk about? :hmm:
Reply

ardianto
11-27-2011, 03:13 PM
I and my wife came from different social class. I was born in middle class family, my wife was born in poor family.

So why ? Is it wrong ? Of course not.
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
11-27-2011, 03:22 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
What does Islam say about marrying into a higher social class? Is it sensible to go through with a proposal when there is huge difference in upbringing and background and social priviledges between the two parties?
Asalaamu alaikum. There is no such boundary in Islam. The Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) married Khadija (ra) who was a very wealthy upper class women. Class does not mean anything in Islam in terms of marriage. The Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) gave us the criterea we should look for in marriage and he recommended we marry for piety first and foremost.

And Allah knows best in all matters
Reply

SFatima
11-27-2011, 04:39 PM
Salam sister,

Just dropping in to say, if you say no to him, I shall be glad to accept his proposal, maybe he needs some one like me ;D .

kidding. :p:

Well, in Islam , there is no concept of deservability in this world, not that I know of. If that was so, nobody deserves to be born illegit, and nobody deserves to be born without limbs or in abject poverty. Whatever Allah gives to us, is a favor from Him, it is His raza that he pleases to give some people more than others. Do not doubt the ahsaan of Allah swt and His decree. Now about your self confidence, you can work on that, pray to Allah swt for it, and it may take quite sometime for you to overcome your shyness n all, but if you accept this decision with a good, strong heart, that will be a first step towards it InshAllah. You might learn a lot from him, maybe he wants a person like you.


(and incase you decide to back off, my offer stands valid :p:)







[ahh now, you're feeling all not-so-doubtful about him, aren't you!]
Reply

Riana17
11-27-2011, 05:15 PM
Asalam Ukhtee,

Go for it, pls dont think highly of his social status, he's attracted to you, perhaps he loves you already, both family sides does not have problem with this marriage. Mashallah you are lucky, do not reject Allah's blessing.

Mabrook inshallah
Reply

anonymous
12-09-2011, 12:39 PM
Thank you for the advices. I am sorry but ever since I have met this man I feel less and less compatible with him. He is so much better than me as a person and he has had many priviledges that have shaped him into what he is. I have not had the same and a much less refined upbringing. You have no idea how this is hurting my confidence in my abilities and what if living with him will make this worse? I dont want to seem ungrateful but I am scared and slightly depressed by this.... I should have faith in Allah swts decisions but I keep thinking he deserves better. His decision to go ahead with this is based on simplicity and piety and no other reasons but what if he has expectations he doesnt yet know of? or will he compare me to the women of his family? Please pray that whatever happens is the best for me.
Reply

anonymous
12-09-2011, 12:44 PM
Thank you for the advices. I am sorry but ever since I have met this man I feel less and less compatible with him. He is so much better than me as a person and he has had many priviledges that have shaped him into what he is. I have not had the same and a much less refined upbringing. You have no idea how this is hurting my confidence in my abilities and what if living with him will make this worse? I dont want to seem ungrateful but I am scared and slightly depressed by this.... I should have faith in Allah swts decisions but I keep thinking he deserves better. His decision to go ahead with this is based on simplicity and piety and no other reasons but what if he has expectations he doesnt yet know of? or will he compare me to the women of his family? Please pray that whatever happens is the best for me.
Reply

ardianto
12-09-2011, 01:04 PM
Sister,

He proposed marriage to you. It's means he doesn't regard you as a person who 'lower' than him. But why you regard yourself as 'lower' than him?
Reply

ardianto
12-09-2011, 01:21 PM
Frankly, sometime I heard inappropriate comment on a married couple like "the husband is high educated, from elite family. But why his wife is uneducated woman from poor family?"

Is it what makes you worry to accept him as your husband?.
Reply

Snowflake
12-10-2011, 08:03 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Thank you for the advices. I am sorry but ever since I have met this man I feel less and less compatible with him. He is so much better than me as a person and he has had many priviledges that have shaped him into what he is. I have not had the same and a much less refined upbringing. You have no idea how this is hurting my confidence in my abilities and what if living with him will make this worse? I dont want to seem ungrateful but I am scared and slightly depressed by this.... I should have faith in Allah swts decisions but I keep thinking he deserves better. His decision to go ahead with this is based on simplicity and piety and no other reasons but what if he has expectations he doesnt yet know of? or will he compare me to the women of his family? Please pray that whatever happens is the best for me.

:sl: Ukhti!

Have you performed istikhara? Hmm it's highly recommended if you're in doubt. But a couple more things I wanted to point out insha Allah. Masha Allah you are a deep thinker and humble with it. Some women would've just been over the moon about such a proposal and not once looked at what they themselves have to offer. Come on sis! That's an amazing quality to have, masha Allah.

Secondly, you think highly of this brother as others do, but Allah says in the following verse to not compliment ourselves. If we can't compliment ourselves despite knowing our own qualities, then how can we compliment those we don't know? Only Allah knows what's inside people. Maybe in the sight of Allah you are better than him?

"Do not complement yourself, He (Allah) knows best of those who are pious." [An Najm Verse 32]


Finally sis, there is no reason to feel any less because you won't be doing the things he does, and he won't be doing the things you do. You will each have your own responsibilities and all you need to do is try to excel in yours. Be a good wife, cook, friend, lover, and mother to his kids. A man wants to come home to a clean house, lovely-looking wife, an understanding partner in whose company he finds peace in. Someone who respects him, and is compassionate to his family. I'm sure you will go out your way to give him all that and more. Then why would he compare you to anyone when he's got everything he needs in you. What more expectation could he have? I'm sure you'd do your best to be all that. And that's all he wants. He wouldn't have considered proposing if he'd wanted more. So go for it ya ukhti. Make the intention and do istikhara and if in Allah knowledge this thing isn't good for you then Allah Himself will prevent it for you. Gooo for it sis insha Allah! :statisfie
Reply

Riana17
12-10-2011, 08:23 AM
Dear Sister,

I am married too, I just basically graduated in HS, well I had Computer diploma but it is basically a trash.

I grew up in a very poor family, since 8yrs old I had to work to support my study. We are 7kids in legal marriage, father was & remains irresponsible, never dream or work hard for us. From 16-17 I am working outside my native country and alhamdollellah still working on the same org. Allah is so kind to me, even I had many pains, agony, worries & really hard life, I knew it was all good.

Now I am blessed with an Arab husband. He had many diplomas and had his degree too in 2006, soon inshallah he will have masters, he was a scholar of American University whereas I studied in Public school (FREE), I mean he is Arab, im Asian, even in Muslim country it is uncommon for Arab to marry Non Arab, it wasnt easy for family acceptance, but he fought for me. I am not comparing my husband to your potential spouse, however if I will start compairing myself to him, sure thing I am way down below. But he love me very much for my mood & good heart (he said :) ) and I feel the same way, he is so kind and manner is all that matters. Diploma, degree, awards, they dont matter when someone is ill mannered

When you marry the person, you should not look at this thing, Allah has plans for us. ISLAM never teach us to degrade ourselves, we have ISLAM and what more we can ask for?

You are so lucky to have such proposal, dont confuse yourself, Only Allah knows if we are good or not and Allah will give you what you deserved, inshallah Amen.

Dont keep the man waiting, there are millions of fish in the sea. You might miss this golden chance, currently there are 7 women out of single man and yeah, in my country, they are half gay?

It is impossible to hate your potential spouse, come on ukhtee!
Reply

Salahudeen
12-10-2011, 03:56 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Thank you for the advices. I am sorry but ever since I have met this man I feel less and less compatible with him. He is so much better than me as a person and he has had many priviledges that have shaped him into what he is. I have not had the same and a much less refined upbringing. You have no idea how this is hurting my confidence in my abilities and what if living with him will make this worse? I dont want to seem ungrateful but I am scared and slightly depressed by this.... I should have faith in Allah swts decisions but I keep thinking he deserves better. His decision to go ahead with this is based on simplicity and piety and no other reasons but what if he has expectations he doesnt yet know of? or will he compare me to the women of his family? Please pray that whatever happens is the best for me.
We can sit around all day, thinking to ourselves, what if this happens, what if this happens, or we can just go out and do the thing, and see how many of our what ifs materialize, you don't know how the future will pan out, this man is only a man, he's no angel, his poo smells just as bad as the rest of us, as do his farts, stop viewing him as better than yourself because I think this is why you feel inadequate to him, every person has faults, no one is perfect, he may be better than you in some area's but your also better than him in other area's.

I think your worries will only be resolved by communicating with him and asking him what he expects from his wife, then you ask yourself, "hmm can I meet those expectations on a day to day basis" then if you know you can, do istikhara and go for it, if you think you won't be able to, then just say you're not suitable for each other.

But sitting and worrying about a bunch of what ifs is not the way to go sometimes, be positive and value yourself as much as anyone else. If you don't value your self how can you expect other people to.
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
12-10-2011, 04:21 PM
Asalaamu alaikum. My sister please stop constantly putting yourself down. No matter how good a person appears only Allah knows what is in their hearts and only he can judge who is better in his eyes, not us. So stop making judgements that he is better than you for ONLY Allah knows that.

So make the best of every opportunity you come across and know that there are many sisters out there who are struggling to find decent marriage potentials and here you are constantly putting yourself down. Appreciate the fact that you have come across someone by the will of Allah and do not make judgements on how worthy or unworthy you are for only Allah knows best.

There are far more women out there looking for marriage than there,are men and that makes it even more difficult for sisters to find decent potentials. So think to yourself how fortunate you are to have found a decent marriage potential and stop keep putting yourself down.

Just make the best of this opportunity and then put your trust and reliance in Allah and accept whatever happens after that. We just dont know you to tell you how worthy or unworthy you are or how worthy or unworthy he is for you. The best advice we can give you is:

1. Make the best of every opportunity you get when you come across a potential.

2. After making the best of each opportunity then put your reliance and trust in Allah and accept his decree because in the end whatever happens will only happen for the best.

So if you do end up marrying him then it was for the best. If you dont then Allah has someone better in store for you but please sister stop putting yourself down and thank Allah and make the best of this opportunity and see where it takes you.

May Allah for what is best for you.
Reply

Snowflake
12-10-2011, 07:15 PM
Lol let's stop pressuring the sis insha Allah ;D Sister don't listen to us. Allah knows best so ask for His guidance (istikhara) insha Allah.
Reply

Riana17
12-17-2011, 05:37 PM
Salam ukhtee, any update?
Reply

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

IslamicBoard

Experience a richer experience on our mobile app!