How can I approach a Muslim girl in a halal manner?

[Mujahideen92]

I hope this is the right section but I have a question. First off id like to say im only 19, marriage is certainly not on my mind but there is this Muslim girl in one of my classes. My family actually knows their family and the girl is a good Muslim too and she wears hijab. Ive been thinking about her alot, i have a huge crush on her. Im starting to think maybe even to a point where it is haram. I guess what im asking is, how can i talk and approach her in a halal manner, and at the same time not looking like some desperate creep

[Ali_008]

:sl:

Well, it is good that you've found a pious Muslimah for yourself but don't lose control of the situation by falling into haraam. Pray Istikhara and inshAllah you'll be guided to your own prosperity. I don't have any other advice except a joke, I had heard some time ago which did make me laugh and was also very meaningful. It goes like:

The most decent way to propose to a girl for marriage is asking her wali, "Can I perform hajj with your ward?" :giggling::giggling::giggling::giggling:

[Hamza Asadullah]

I hope this is the right section but I have a question. First off id like to say im only 19, marriage is certainly not on my mind but there is this Muslim girl in one of my classes. My family actually knows their family and the girl is a good Muslim too and she wears hijab. Ive been thinking about her alot, i have a huge crush on her. Im starting to think maybe even to a point where it is haram. I guess what im asking is, how can i talk and approach her in a halal manner, and at the same time not looking like some desperate creep

Asalaamu alaikum, if you know the family then talk to your parents about it. Tell them you are considering the sister for marriage due to her piety and beauty. If she is truly practising then she would find it awkward you approaching her out of the blue. So the best way is to get your family to approach her wali or even go around their house.

[ardianto]

:sl:


Send her a 'message' through someone if you 'want to know her more closely'. If her response is "OK" you can start a Ta'aruf.

Ta'aruf is a process when a man and a woman with intention to marry try to know each other closer before they decide to marry. You must visit her home and do silaturahim with her family in this process. You can talk with her, but of course her mahram must present.

If in this ta'aruf process you and her feel 'matched', you can go the next process, Khitbah. However, if you and her feel cannot match, you must stop the ta'aruf process.

Khitbah is a process when a man and a woman start to talk seriously about a marriage such as what the man expect from a wife, what the woman expect from a husband, where they will live, etc.

The next process is nikah.

But actually the ta'aruf is not always necessary. A man can propose a marriage and start the khitbah if the woman accept this proposal.

That's the halal manner that you can do if you have been ready to marry someone. But bro, you said "First off id like to say im only 19, marriage is certainly not on my mind", it seem like you haven't ready to marry. So, don't approach her for this time.

If she is your wife in the future, one day you will marry her. But if she is not your wife in the future, InshaAllah you will meet another woman and your feeling to your classmate will gone with the wind.

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[Banu_Hashim]

:sl:

If she's in your class then she's seen you a lot already. Do you have a sister her age? Maybe your sister can talk to her on a personal level to see if she likes the look of you, so to speak. Then if she doesn't (God forbid :p) or she's not looking for marriage right now or whatever then the whole formal, family approaching family thing is avoided. If she's open to the idea, then you can take it further as described by the brother above.

Just one way of doing it. Don't approach her yourself, and definitely not in public. Some muslimahs might feel uncomfortable. :hmm:

:wa:

[Salahudeen]

I don't think you should approach her cos she may find it awkward and not say a word and just walk off cos she doesn't know what to do. Best way is to go through family. And that way is better cos she may not even want to get married yet, so it'd be easier all around, plus a word of caution, I don't know how things are like in your part of the world, but in my place, it's hard to tell if a person is good cos they wear hijaab or beard, I've made that mistake in the past of assuming just because a girl wears hijaab she must be really good in deen etc but that wasn't the case at all, so just do your research properly etc. Try to control your feelings so you're not sad if you don't get her, like just think if I don't get her, plenty of other girls in the world, don't put all your hopes on this one girl etc cos that way you could get hurt.

[Mujahideen92]

Thanks for the responses, it has helped alot. The truth is im way too young to be even thinking about marriage I should probably get my mind on more important things like school. But that is part of the problem unfortunately, i feel very attracted to her and its hard to focus on my school.

Maybe itll just wear off lol

[Abz2000]

you don't have to find out her opinion through her family,
khadijah (ra) asked her servant/friend to go and ask the Prophet (pbuh) what he thought of her, and when she got a good response,
the friend/servant is reported to have asked if he would marry her,
then when they themselves were clear, they got their families to sort it - and they avoided haram in the process.
and they avoided feeling uncomfortable/embarrased among their families in case of rejection.

And Allah knows best.

[Salahudeen]

Thanks for the responses, it has helped alot. The truth is im way too young to be even thinking about marriage I should probably get my mind on more important things like school. But that is part of the problem unfortunately, i feel very attracted to her and its hard to focus on my school.

Maybe itll just wear off lol

tbh you're at the age where hormones are very strong, you can try fasting to focus your mind on other things.

[Insaanah]

:sl:

khadijah (ra) asked her servant/friend to go and ask the Prophet (pbuh) what he thought of her, and when she got a good response,
the friend/servant is reported to have asked if he would marry her,

Remember though, that Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) was a mature woman, previously married, and worldly wise. And she had seen the Prophets' character first hand over a period of time, as she had had financial dealings with him.

Another point to note as well, is that this was pre-Islam and pre- any rules on marriage.

then when they themselves were clear, they got their families to sort it

I wouldn't advise this in the case of teenagers though. If they reach an understanding themselves, or are clear as to what they want (remember hormones), and then for whatever reason things don't work out as they'd hoped, or one family didn't agree etc, then there would be heartbreak, having both decided themselves that they would get married. Going through one's family or wali helps to reduce the emotional involvement/disappointment and keeps things in perspective from the start.

Then if she doesn't (God forbid ) or she's not looking for marriage right now or whatever then the whole formal, family approaching family thing is avoided. If she's open to the idea, then you can take it further as described by the brother above.

There is also the flip side to think about. What if she hasn't really thought about marriage and accordingly indicates that she's not interested, but if the families were involved, they may think it's a good idea that the two get married, and she may agree. The chances of a young practicing sister indicating via a third party to a brother, that she's interested in marrying him, are not that great. It would most likely freak her out.

It's better to get your family involved from the start, and even if things don't work out in this case, or even if the other family reject, at least your family will be aware that the issue of marriage has crossed your mind, and might not delay too much in finding you someone else suitable.

May Allah make things easy for you, ameen.

:sl:

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
i think it would be better if u dont involve much in that matter. let the things proceede through families in proper way. if its in ur fate, u will get married to her and if not, just accept it as ur fate and trust Allah swt.

[Abz2000]

it may be better - only Allah knows - but i still don't believe it's haraam if you get a sister to approach her without being too direct

[Samiun]

:sl: Just remember NOT to ask for her FB or phone number and follow the advises given above. Please tell us if you're getting married :statisfie

[SyrianFellow]

Honestly, I wouldn't approach her at all even if I liked her. Be patient and when you are ready to marry inshAllah you will find the best. If you approach her now, then later when you want to marry you may find another girl you are interested in and then people will be talking about how you liked the girl in your class before. To get to the main point, in my city gossip is very common, not sure about yours, but I'm afraid of it. So just stay patient :)

And Allah knows best.

[Signor]

I think at this small age its your adrenaline rush which is pushing you to this way.Who knows when you grew older with time,you will think that another Muslim girl is a good preference.Its better to be patience and if you are able to marry her i.e taking responsibilities,providing her with food and cloth,then Bismillah go ahead with the legal way.Insha'Allah,Allah will do better for you.

[Cabdullahi]

Her religiosity should be the ultimate magnet, but if she just magnetizes you aesthetically...then forget about it....its probably the red dress, the make up or the pink hijab, cues that trigger chemical reactions in your brain.

[Abz2000]

A woman is married for four (things); her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. Choose (marry) the religious woman so that your home will be in abundance. (Bukhari)

Do not marry women for their beauties; it is possible that their beauties cause them to become morally corrupt. Do not marry them for their wealth because their wealth may cause them to go astray. Marry women because of their piety. There is no doubt that a woman whose cloth is torn is superior to women who are better. (Ibn Majah)

Said Nursi states that

A man who bases his love on the beauty of the good manners and ethics of the woman and the fact that she is the source of compassion and a gift from Allah rather than her material and physical beauty will receive love and respect from his wife in the same way; he adds that the mutual love and respect will increase as both spouses get old and ugly; thus, the worldly life will turn to happiness and that the love based on physical beauty will soon end and it will be replaced by conflict. (Sözler: Words)

[syilla]

First of all, what is your intention. Ask yourself, why do you need to approach her? why do you need to get to know her? why can you do if you already know her? what happened if the feeling got to serious? is my intention really sincerely for the sake of Allah swt?

[Mujahideen92]

Her religiosity should be the ultimate magnet, but if she just magnetizes you aesthetically...then forget about it....its probably the red dress, the make up or the pink hijab, cues that trigger chemical reactions in your brain.

Its not her clothes and make-up. She is genuinely beautiful and a good muslim. Its why I would like to marry her one day

[Cabdullahi]

Its not her clothes and make-up. She is genuinely beautiful and a good muslim. Its why I would like to marry her one day

Are you genuinely beautiful and a good Muslim?

[ardianto]

Its not her clothes and make-up. She is genuinely beautiful and a good muslim. Its why I would like to marry her one day

So, you can approach her one day when you have ready to get married, not today. :D

For this time it's better if you try to change your special feeling to her into 'ordinary' feeling. It's not too hard, you can do it. Then one day after you have ready to marry a woman you can approach her. If she has been married or already accept proposal from someone else, you can try to approach other girl, in halal manner, of course.

When I was 17 I was attracted to a girl in my high school who I didn't even knew her name until next year. She was not popular girl, even she's a quite girl, and considered as average, not beautiful.

Just like you, I wanted to approach that girl but I didn't know how, even I did not dare to talk with her. What I did just came to school earlier and sat near the school gate, wait for her would pass in front of me. And after school hour had over, I quit from the classroom quickly and sat near the gate again. ;D

But then I tried to make myself busy and focus in my activity. I could. Then my feeling to her turned into 'ordinary' feeling. And later I just knew her name.

Do you have a hobby?. Try to active and focus to your hobby, or to an activity which you like.

And how to approach a girl? To be honest I don't know. The advice in my previous post is sourced from an article, not from my experience. I was in position that approached by girl, not in position that approach girl. That's happened after I graduated from high school.

But let me clarify. A woman marry us, not because we are handsome or rich, but because she accept us. If we are handsome and rich but she does not accept us, we cannot marry her. If we are not handsome and not rich but she accept us, we can marry her.

So, make yourself "Acceptable".

What is "acceptable" person?. this is person who respected by people. And he is respected by people because he always respect people and always treat people well.

Of course, become the "acceptable" person is not a guarantee we will be accepted by a girl who we want to marry. But at least, if this girl reject us, another girl must be accept us. We don't need to expect all women in the world will accept us because we will not marry all women in the world. Accepted by one woman is enough.

Is too early if you try to approach a girl now. Try to change your special feeling to her into 'ordinary' feeling. Build your personality to make you become the acceptable person, and learn how to treat women nicely. It will make you easy to be accepted by a woman because women expect someone who can treat them nicely.

You can start with treat all women around you nicely. Your mother, your grandma, your aunties, your sisters, and all other women around you.

:)