Muhaba
02-15-2012, 12:33 PM
sorry i haven't been able to post the critiques for reasons beyond my control. i will insha-Allah try posting them.
Here’s a partial critique for the winning story. My comments in bold. I hope it is helpful to the author.
--------
Qareen (pt1)
318. That was the house number Aziz was looking for. In it he would find what many of the locals described a mental institute escapee. However, the nearest mental institute was thousands of miles away
Over the past few days, the locals reported a number of noises coming from house 318. Mainly screams, although on some occasions household items had been thrown out windows.
As is common amongst small towns, news travelled fast eventually making its way to the local imam. He hired Aziz as part of a joint operation with the local police force to investigate and if needs be deal with the problem. [Try to use sentences of different lengths and complexity.]
The officer sent, however, was reluctant to investigate after several large objects were thrown at him. He figured he would wait for back-up, because he couldn’t decide whatever was in there escaped from a mental institute, or a zoo. Aziz noticed the patrol officer in his car and made his way towards him.
[this paragraph is confusing. readers will think Aziz was the officer. Combining it with the previous paragraph may make it clearer. Also, here there is a change of point of view within a scene. this is known as head-hopping POV which tends to confuse readers. You should have only one POV per scene. That is, we should see the scene from one set of eyes. if the POV character is Aziz, then we should only see his thoughts and not other character’s thoughts. If you want to show that the police officer was a coward, you can show it through Aziz’s thoughts about him. Or you can start the story with the police officer coming to investigate the house and in the next scene write about Aziz. That might be a better start for the story too. ]
“I was hired by the imam to investigate the incidents taking place at 318. Name’s Aziz.”
The patrol officer responded “Oh right, the joint-operations thing. Sure, go on right ahead. Me, I’m staying right in this car; where it’s safe!”
“Can you believe this guy?” Aziz mumbled under his breath.
The officer took note of Aziz seemingly talking to himself, but realising how late it was he brushed it off. [Here again you changed POV from Aziz to the police officer and in the next paragraph the POV is again Aziz's. Use only one POV within a scene. if you want to show another character's thoughts, find another way, like through conversation where the other character tells someone what he is thinking. you can also make the other character talk to himself, but make sure that it's something the POV character can overhear. like, for example, you can write: "why's this man talking to himself," Aziz overheard the officer saying. or Aziz noticed that the officer was staring at him strangely and shaking his head.]
The front door had been broken open – most likely due to the escapee’s violent behaviour, deduced Aziz. He could hear the escapee shouting unintelligibly as he preceded towards the living room.
“Hi, honey. I’m home. Love what you’ve done to the place”. He took note of a broken coffee table, vases and holes in the wall made by various house-hold items thrown into them; standard-affair.
Admiring the rest of the escapee’s handiwork, Aziz pressed on through the front room, listening intensively to the undecipherable babbling in a hope to trace the escapee’s location. As he made his way closer towards the kitchen, the babbling intensified.
[Nice descriptions.]
Entering the kitchen, Aziz finally came face to face with the escapee – standing right in the middle, arms stretched out and looking upwards towards the ceiling, pots, pans and various forms of cutlery circling him in mid-air.
“Told you it would be a possession case. One point to me, B.” He made eye contact with the escapee “Listen up Betty-boo; we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”
[I think it would be a good idea if you told the reader who B is earlier in the story to keep them from becoming confused.]
The pots and pans dropped as the escapee’s body found a new posture. Hunched and poised, he was ready to attack. Hard way it is.
In a split-second, the escapee tackled Aziz, ramming his spine in to one of the kitchen walls. Locked in by his bear-like grip, Aziz tried to break free. Unsuccessful, he pounded on the escapee’s back until its tight-grip released.
[I wonder if pounding on someone’s back will make his grip lighter? If you are caught in such a manner, it may be hard to pound on your opponents back. How about having him recite some prayers to make the jinn weaker.]
The escapee recovered almost instantly. With a twist of his wrist, a nearby kitchen chairs flew towards Aziz at great speed. He was able catch it [He caught it], but the sheer force caused him to stagger backwards. A second twist bought a knife to hand which soon came crashing down on him. [here we lose who is doing what. Better to make it clearer.] He caught it mid-air and punched the escapee in his chest and then in the face until the knife dropped. Grabbing him with his other arm, Aziz threw him to the floor. Lights out!
Aziz knelt down besides and whispered into the left ear of the battered being. [You shouldn’t start every sentence in the same way. This might be better written: Kneeling down beside the escapee…] “In the name of Allah, the most beneficent, the most merciful. I command you, jinn, to leave this human’s body.” The Jinn screamed and shouted in response. “You will leave this human’s body!” Aziz said again with greater force. The jinn screamed a second time – its arms flailed but were quickly restrained. “I exhume you from this body!”
The jinn finally gave in to the exorcism. Aziz caught a look of its floating apparition as it left the human’s body and slowly began to disintegrate into nothingness. “That’s two for not using any equipment.”
Aziz left the house, making his way towards the patrol officer and gave him the all clear signal. “He’s a little shook up about the whole thing. Get him checked out at the hospital. And fix his front door – don’t want to give Mr Smith any more hassle than he already has.”
The officer acknowledged and called it in.
*****
Heading towards the mosque he passed through the town’s bazar gloating to himself. “And another one bites the dust. I didn’t even need any equipment”
So you keep saying a voice inside his head replied
[‘so you keep saying,’ a voice inside his head replied.]
“Or your help.”
Oh really? the voice continued
“Yeah re – wait a second” He felt the temperature surrounding drop suddenly. A cold wind shivered down his spine.
“I can’t see them. Eyes and ears, B”
Half a dozen jinni appear to have surrounded us
“Capabilities and ailments?”
Telekenisis. Iron and holy water.
There was no malice or hint of sarcasm in Bubbles’ tone of voice. But Aziz knew he wouldn’t let this slide. He changed the subject quickly “There’s a tool stall nearby – should have plenty of iron. Locate it fast, while I cast an enchantment”.
He knelt down, with his right hand touching the floor and began reciting a small prayer. A glimmer of light, visible only to the eye of jinn could be seen emanating from inside his chest. The light channelled down his right arm before turning into a shockwave spreading in all directions.
Like moth to flame, the jinni surrounding him drew closer. Four of them were incinerated instantly; the remaining two pulled back to avoid the blast and re-grouped, Bubbles had confirmed to him telepathically as well as the exact location to the tool store.
The shockwave had paved a clear way to the tool store, Aziz wasted no time in finding and brandishing an assortment of iron-based tools. Wrench and spanner in hand he turned to face the remaining jinni – Bubbles had tuned his eye-sight so that he could now see them in their ethereal form [I don't think that Jinn can do that sort of thing. Might be better if you had Aziz use special glasses that make him see the paranormal.]: half-bodies black as the night sky with arms stretching out ready to pull his body limb from limb; their faces contorted and their eyes glowing.
Aware of his tricks, they approached cautiously still. Assessing their surroundings, they noted their target had backed himself against a wall. Weaving intricately between one another they gained ground and spiralled towards Aziz. [here again you switch POVs. It might be better to show this as something Aziz realizes. For example, Aziz realized they were aware of his tricks because they seemed to be approaching cautiously. Etc.]
Works every time. He charged forwards the jinni, striking, stabbing and slicing as he met them half way. They howled as every hit that landed tore parts of their ethereal body apart, until both of them had completely disintegrated.
******
Making his way to the prayer room he found the imam alone sat in deep meditation.
Greeting and then sitting beside him, Aziz informed the imam of the events that transpired earlier that evening. He sought comfort in a friend as much as he sought payment for his duty.
Upon learning of his recent encounters, the imam constantly checked his student to see if he was alright – much to his annoyance.
“See? I told you, I’m perfectly fine” he declared.
“The last time you said that, a snake dropped out of your pocket. So excuse me if I take extra precaution this time!”
Aziz rolled his eyes, even if the imam had a point. The imam finished patting down his student before they both sat down; student for his pay and the Master for another scolding.
“Did you use him?
“Only once. But I still don’t see what the problem is, he’s taken shahadat. It’s no different than you or any other muslim brother helping me when I’m out doing my thing…” Aziz mumbled.
“Every being on this planet has their own personal Qareen assigned to them, you know this. And Allah has granted you a great gift in being able to communicate with yours. To rely on him as you do, however, is borderline shirk.”
“Yeah bu-” his plead was quickly interrupted as the imam continued.
“In any case, I am deeply concerned about tonight’s events. Jinn do not normally attack in such large groups, or in such an orchestrated manner. I am convinced they are being summoned to target you specifically, using Mr Smith as the bait to lure you out. Do you know anyone who might have a grudge against you? ”
“Jealous exorcists, maybe? Or imams that ‘don’t approve’ of my methods?”
“They would bare such grudge; enough to summon jinn? Not likely.”
“Well, it could be the Magus Brothers, I mean they’ve got plenty of motives – especially after the last time I gate-crashed one of their private dinner parties.”
“But no means – you said you took out the elder of the four, the dimension-crosser?”
“I did. But, who knows maybe they’ve recruited a summoner - in this region? Know anyone who’s been involved with dark arts lately?”
“I have my suspicions.” The imam checked the time on his watch, “But it is getting late. I think it best we all get some well-deserved-
“-Pay?”
A smile forming, the imam continued “I was going to say rest, actually. But thank you for reminding me”
Pulling out an envelope from his pocket, he passed it towards Aziz.
“That’ll do nicely”
A joyous Aziz left the masjid, heading home. Unbeknownst to him, a cat lurked in the shadows, watching him closely.
Qareen (pt 2)
Iqbal [name characters tactfully. character names should have meaning. at least try not to use like-sounding names or names that start with the same letter sound and have the same number of syllables. both these characters' names start with similar sounding letters, contain two syllables, and in both the first syllable is short and the second is long. such similar names tend to confuse readers who forget which character is being talked about.] was one of the oldest residents in the town and the proud owner of the local book shop. He had always been known for his cheeriness but the past few months had changed him considerably. Sifting through the many book shelves, with topics ranging from agriculture to zoology, Iqbal came to a small section on the Occult and soon located a book, a gift from some acquaintances, he had use over a dozen times this month alone. He took it down and laid it on the table, flicking through the pages.
Reaching the end of the book, disappointment soon turned to joy as he read the last entry: Demons.
Demons, the book read, had power on par to that of devils. This power, however, was extremely difficult to control, the book warned. Iqbal looked towards his pet cat and remembered about his early summonses – after all the hours spent creating a portal to an entirely different dimension, even the weaker, lower-class jinni had proven to be notoriously difficult to control. Some did not even grant him a request, and many of those that did often flew right back into the portal from whence they came.
But that was in the past and he was a changed man now, in more ways than one. His persistence eventually paid off by gaining him a minor reputation amongst the jinni as well as immense experience in the dark arts, making it easier to open a portal into this world. Reputation would not so easily sway a demon, however.
To control a demon this powerful, the book informed him he would have to bind it to an item, which held deep personal significance. As long as this bind was intact, the book continued, the demon could not attack him and it would be forced to obey his each and every command. Around Iqbal’s neck was a gold rimmed green crystal amulet, a gift from his beloved who passed away earlier this year. This would be more than enough to bind a demon, he thought.
He made his way towards the shop’s basement. Secluded, dark and completely isolated, it had proven to be the most ideal place for a summons. He placed four incensed candles, one in each corner and in the middle lay a circle drawn in chalk, slightly worn out from previous uses. Lighting the candles, the room soon became incensed as he sat inside the circle and began the ritual.
Many hours passed. Thousands of mantras were spoken. The room temperature dropped significantly as a gateway to the jinni dimension tore open in front of him. Although Iqbal could not visibly see the demon, he could feel its presence coming from the portal.
“Reveal yourself to me!” He commanded. His ears traced a mighty roar, and his eyes followed. He saw nothing. Rubbing the amulet he commanded “Oh powerful demon, I have bound you to this amulet! Reveal yourself to me!” In a matter of seconds, the demon manifested itself into a visible form. It took the shape of a very large and intimidating human being; broad shoulders and long, thick black shoulder-length hair. Iqbal estimated at least 7 feet tall. Impressive
“What is your command?” enquired the demon, kneeling before its master.
“There is a human being I wish for you to slay. In exchange, I offer you asylum on this planet.”
“Complete freedom for slaying one man” The demon laughed to himself, disgusted that a tiny old man would summon a being of his nature, of his stature, for what he considered nothing more than play-time.
Detecting rebellious attitude from his new slave, Iqbal was quick to respond “Know your place, demon! This is no mere mortal we are dealing with. He is an exorcist and has killed many of your fellow kind, including several only hours ago. His name is-”
The demon finished his master’s sentence. “Aziz... I have heard of him. He has a reputation amongst the jinni…almost as great as I. Those he has sent back have told tales of him. Some even fear him. I do not” This was not bravado talking, this was sheer honesty. Iqbal found it rather amusing. That and the fact his new slave spoke so eloquently.
“Do you accept our agreement?”
“He will make for a worthy adversary. I accept”
*****
Aziz awoke and made his way to the bathroom. Various books, articles and paraphernalia on jinn littered the floor. On his desk lay a tome that he had recently updated. Over the years, he had encountered and exorcised a large amount of jinn - the tome helped him keep an up-to-date record.
On the wall hung a steel sword concealed in a sheath, the blade was embossed with an Arabic prayer. Over the years, with the help of his Qareen, they had developed a unique fighting style designed specifically to dispatch jinni.
Inside the cupboard next to it contained a plethora of vials of holy water in addition to numerous forms of throwing knifes, darts and daggers made up of different types of metal, insuring he was prepared for any and all types of jinn, regardless of their weakness.
On a physical level, ablution cleansed his body. On a spiritual level, it washed away his sins.
He left quickly towards the masjid for the Morning Prayer that he was late for and met several of the locals on the way, greeting them all. Most enquired about his recent series of exorcisms the night before. Others gave a quick hello and rushed into the masjid. They were also late.
*****
In prayer, he could find some peace and calmness – especially after the events last night. It enabled him to fully let go of this world and have a sense of tranquillity. With his mind cleared, and body fully rested, his prayer took him to what seemed like an entirely different dimension where he was at peace.
His surroundings changed; the carpet where he stood turned into luscious green fields that seemingly stretched for miles. Book cases turned into forest trees with the religious literature placed on them turning into hundreds of brightly coloured fruits. The walls of the masjid morphed into waterfalls of what looked to him like honey. His blissful experience would be short lived as the prayer ended, and Aziz was back to reality.
The imam made his way towards and knelt beside him, a concerned look on his face. “I have a report of another jinn sighting. Brother Iqbal said he saw one in his bookshop, across town. He’s had to close it down for the day in fear of wide-spread panic. There was something odd about his message though. He asked specifically for you and you alone – no police.”
“Not like the police have ever been particularly helpful anyway” Aziz mumbled
“I fear my initial suspicions were correct. I think he is the summoner and I think this is a trap.”
Aziz looked puzzled. “Wait, Iqbal? Wasn’t he diagnosed as clinically depressed? You know after his wife’s funeral?”
“Yes. I fear that in his depression he sought comfort from the wrong crowd. I tried to reason with him on several occasions, but to no avail.” The imam shook his head in despair – for months he had tried to console Iqbal, only to be turned down each and every time. "I had no idea he was this involved with the dark arts”
“I’ll go see if I can get through to him. And if it’s a trap, I’m going in well prepared.”
“Take care. And please refrain from using your Qareen this time”
“Here that Bubbles?”
No skin off my nose
1. “Here that Bubbles?”
No skin off my nose
Hearing the knock on the front door, Iqbal got up from his seat and glanced towards his newly recruited demon. “Meet us in the astronomy section. Let’s give him some space!” he quipped. The demon responded with a respectful nod to his master and vanished leaving a puff of smoke.
Iqbal greeted Aziz with a cheerful smile; an eerie cheerful smile but a smile nonetheless. Guiding him through, he took note of the exorcists’ armaments – You’re going to need them.
“Heard you’ve got a jinni on your hands?”
“Oh It’s a definitely a jinni.” A real powerful one, too. “Please, through here” he gestured, leading the exorcist towards the astronomy section.
“You sure it’s in here?”
“Yes. It is most definitely in this room” Backing away slowly, Iqbal continued the façade. “Keep looking. I’m sure you will find it”
“How big is this thing supposed to be anyway?”
“Oh he’s huge! You won’t miss him!”
Aziz thought he heard something heavy slam behind him. Hand by his side, he turned clockwise, unsheathing his blade to find a bookshelf had fallen blocking his path between him and Iqbal and a giant materialise in front of him, fire burning from its hands.
*****
Iqbal was elated. This past month, he had summoned so many jinn, even he could not count. Today, he had even summoned a demon, who at this very moment was in the process of killing the exorcist that had been for so long a thorn in his plans. With new found power in the dark arts, he could now open and sustain a portal large enough for the entire jinni population to cross from their dimension into this one. He was one step away from finally reuniting with his beloved.
*****
Aziz had for a long time wondered about comets. What they looked like from up close, how hot were they exactly? What was their physical mass? Today he found out the answer to all three as one hit him square in his chest, burning and then sending him spinning to the ground.
Alight, he began rolling on the floor putting the flames out. The giant raised its finger and lifted the exorcist high up into the air. Suspended, Aziz reached into his back trouser pocket and drew out several throwing knives. Before he could throw them, the giant waved his finger and sent him flying into a nearby book shelf. Noting its instability, the demon gave a slight pull and the bookshelf came crashing
down.
*****
Iqbal sat in the middle of the now incensed book shop, reciting mantras as fast as he could. His body now fully charged with the dark arts, he no longer required seclusion or isolation to create dimensional gateways. Looking towards his pet cat, his Qareen, a smile formed. Soon, very soon
*****
The bookshelf that pinned him to the floor lifted up and his lungs filled with air. He had precious seconds to move before it came crashing down on him again.
Pleased and annoyed at the fact his target was still alive, albeit barely, the demon raised his left hand. Several books lifted up from the ground. Aziz took this time to get some oxygen back into his lungs and refocus – he wasn’t used to working without Bubbles and he wasn’t used to getting his tossed around like some child’s plaything.
Shaping its hand into a gun, the demon fired at the books setting them alight. In seconds a firestorm rained down on the exorcist. He rolled to avoid them, picking up his sword at the same time only for the firestorm to quickly intensify. With sword in hand, Aziz was able to swat them away and returned fire with a cluster of throwing knives into the demon’s chest, putting a stop to the fire storm.
Whilst the giant recuperated, Aziz managed to find a clear line of sight and sped up. With the momentum, he leaped and performed a clockwise back-hand slash in mid-air only to hit a pocket of smoke as the demon teleported then re-appeared. A second, faster slice was just as fruitless - the demon tricked him again. Aziz changed tactics and went for a flurry of strikes, altering the timing of each, but to no avail as the Fire-Giant ported and laughed in-between each and every blow.
Tired of this game, he reached out and grabbed Aziz by the throat, lifting him several feet off the ground. With its remaining arm, it punched Aziz in his already burnt chest relieving him of breath and blade.
*****
A cold wave blasted Iqbal in his face, almost knocking him to the floor as the gateway opened. At last, his work was complete. The jinni would soon flood this world and rid it of pain, sorrow and loneliness. No one would ever have to carry his burden or his loss ever again.
*****
With his life slowly being squeezed out of him, he used what precious breath he had left to recite a short chapter of the Qur’an. “I…seek…refuge…in…the…lord...of...daybreak” The demon paused for a moment, unsure of what it was hearing. “From…the…evil…of…that…which…he…created”
Noting a tiny sparkle of light coming from the almost life-less body in its hand, the demon became suspicious. “And…from…the…evil of darkness…when…it settles” The grip around his neck loosened as the demon’s hand began rapidly increasing in temperature. “And… from…the…evil…of…the blowers in knots.”
Slowly recovering Aziz was now able to get the word of God out loud and clear; his entire body encased in light. The demon let go of him completely. “And from the evil of an envier when he envies!”
The light surrounding Aziz burst. It’s area of effect wide. Blindsided, the demon checked his body. Though he couldn’t quite place it, he knew something was missing. Upon further inspection, he noticed it was his entire left arm, from shoulder to hand. Letting lose a howl of pain, the giant knelt down clutching its phantom arm. Aziz swung his blade stopping it inches away from the demon’s face.
“You’re one limb away from looking like a Shiqq. Start talking!”
Insulted and humiliated, the fallen giant barked in disgust. Aziz responded by smashing a vial of holy water against the demon’s head.
“Plenty more where that came from. Talk!”
Thinking for a moment, the demon spoke.
*****
By now, hundreds of jinni had entered through the portal and spread across the world. His work done, he sat cosily basking in the dark energy with his pet cat curled up snugly next to him.
You should let them know of your work.
“I have been so tired lately, I almost forgot. I will contact them immediately!”
You will be reunited with Miriam soon.
Hearing her name, his body revitalised and he jumped to his feet. As he did, a figure approached him carrying another on its back. This figure had a limb missing, Iqbal had noticed.
“It is done, master.” The demon placed Aziz’s body onto the floor.
“They were clear on one thing: to make sure he was dead.” He knelt down to check Aziz’s pulse. In the blink of an eye, a hand shot up and grabbed the amulet around his neck, tugging hard. Before Iqbal had a chance to speak, Aziz was up on his feet, amulet in hand.
“Look what I got” He taunted as the green crystal reflected the book store’s light.
Iqbal’s retort came thick and fast “There’s nothing you can do now anyway. You’re too late!”
The Giant gathered fire in its hand as Aziz stretched his arm out into the portal, the amulet dangling from his hand. “Close it or I drop this”
Seeing the last remaining piece of his beloved, of his humanity, his lips began to form a word; Miriam.
“She’s gone. I'm sorry, but she's gone.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. You see I know of the Magus Brothers, I know of their magic prowess. They can bring her back to life.”
An ethereal-like hand tugged at Aziz’s from the portal. Reflexively, he chanted a small prayer under his breath causing it to let go. The tear slightly decreased as a wave of light rippled through it.
“They’re using you. They can’t bring back the dead, no one can. But, I know of a place where you can meet her”
“Don’t offer me fairy tales, boy”
“It’s no tale, it’s real.”
“Is that what the Imam taught you? What you read in some Islamic classes?”
“I’ve been there. Saw it with my own eyes”
“I’m not convinced”
“But you’re convinced a bunch of hooded freaks can resurrect the dead, right? Why didn’t they resurrect their leader? You know, the one I killed?”
“You’re lying!” The tiny old man fired back.
“They’re afraid I’ll kick their butts again, so they hired you to do all their dirty work. Iqbal, don’t you see, they took advantage of you”
Iqbal began to crack. “They…they…promised. All I had to do, was kill you….and…and…”
“Create a gateway to another dimension; let a whole bunch of their inhabitants take over this world and then they’d magically resurrect your wife?”
“But…But…”
By now the demon had conjured up enough energy to create a ball of fire in its remaining hand, razing it towards Iqbal. “Really, I should kill you, old man for bringing me to this forsaken place.” He then turned to face Aziz. “But you, you who scarred me for life, who humiliated me, you will die fir-” a throwing knife to his forehead stopped his sentence. The demon fell.
Iqbal stood frozen still. Seeing Iqbal’s resolve shatter, his Qareen pounced on Aziz who reflexively let go of the amulet as the cat tried to maul his face. With both hands he was able to throw it into the portal.
“No!” Iqbal screamed as both the amulet and his loyal companion were tossed into another dimension. It brought him to his knees – the pain too much for his increasingly weakening heart.
Surrounded by a ring of fire, a parting gift from the demon and now quickly spreading, Aziz rushed towards the broken book store owner.
“Oh Miriam…” Tears began streaming down his face as memories of his beloved played through his mind.
Comforting him, Aziz spoke “If you let me, I can help you. But first I need your help to close that portal.”
The old man tried to utter a response but it was unintelligible. The constant summoning and now the recent revelations had finally taken their toll on his body as he collapsed out of sheer exhaustion.
Frowning, Aziz turned to face the portal with his arm reaching towards and began chanting a number of prayers. Light continually pulsed from his hand into the portal decreasing its growth and reducing its size rapidly.
Eventually, the portal shrunk to the size of his hand. A final prayer sealed it shut. His body weakened – closing a portal of that such size had drained him considerably. The fire around him intensified as it spread further throughout the book store and up the walls. Pull yourself together.
A boost of energy surged through his body, jolting him to his feet. He picked up Iqbal onto his shoulder and navigated his way through a maze of fire. He noticed the wounded-demon that a moment ago was laying on the floor had gone. He cursed under his breath. A piece of the ceiling dropped to the ground, narrowly missing him. He cursed again.
******
Outside, Aziz placed the old man on the floor to catch his breath and fully recuperate from his latest encounter.
You owe me
“What…for?” The fumes of smoke were still fresh in his lungs.
Xaphan nearly killed you, on more than one occasion.”
“Oh so that’s his name?”
I stopped the burning before any internal damage was done. But was unable to fully heal the scar on your chest, sorry. [jinns can’t do that sort of thing. It might be that the jinn came between him and the flame or blew at the flame to make it lesser or came between him and the bookshelf to keep Aziz from taking the full weight of the thing, but jinns can’t supernaturally heal a person.]
He looked down at his chest seeing a star-shaped scar “Meh, I kinda like it. Plus, it looks pretty bad-ass, don’t ya think?”
No
Aziz frowned. “Well, at least one good thing came out of this. I saved a man’s life.”
Don’t you mean we?
“You patched me up, but let’s be honest: I took out the demon. I talked down a mad-man, closed a portal to another dimension and then I carried said mad-man on my back, which was injured might I add, out of a burning building.”
The only reason you’re even breathing is because of me you…big-headed jerk!
“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that?”
Never mind!
“Yeah that’s what I thought. Now, where’s the nearest hospital? Bubbles? Bubbles!”
All in all a good storyline and well written too. fix it up and send it to some magazine. It might get published.
ReplyPowered by vBulletin® Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.