Agnostic here with OCD really scared here

[sadperson]

Hello I am desperately hoping that someone here can help me. I posted this on another forums and am hoping someone anywhere on the internet can help me as therapy didn't work. I have a very unusual situation. I am not a religious person and have never been religious. I am an Agnostic and have been an Agnostic my entire life. I have been diagnoned with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) which has crippled my life to the point where I can't take it anymore. Recently I have had fears regarding religion (it began with Christianity and fear of going to Hell/Selling my soul to the devil) but it has shifted primarily to Islam now. I live in the West and most therapists are unfamiliar with Islamic Theology and that's why I am hoping someone here can help me.
My fear revolves around being a Hypocrite (Munafiq?). I understand that a Hypocrite is someone who pretends to be a Muslim but is actually not one. This is awkward because I have gotten over the fear of going to Hell in any religion for disbelieving. But my fear is that I (a non-Muslim) am somehow a Hypocrite and this will lead me to being punished more severely in the afterlife IF Islam is the truth. I can't repent my fears or anything. For me it is a matter of "I don't think any religion is true but if I am wrong and Islam is true, then it is better to be a "disbeliever/kafir" than a "hypocrite/munafiq" since the punishment would be less severe if I am wrong about religion.
OCD works in the way that I fear if I do "X" then "Y" will happen (with Y being something bad in this case being a Hypocrite). But this happens so much and interferes with my life so to try and control this I try to "scare myself" by saying if I don't do "X" then I am a Muslim. I even said this out loud and typed it into the internet (in a way to scare myself into not worrying and if I do worry then I have publically said that I am a Muslim and would then be a hypocrite). So X=Can't do something (like wear a blue shirt or watch a certain movie) and Y=if I do it then I am a Muslim (both actually I am not). But later on I can't remember what I said is not allowed to do and now I am terrified that I am doing or have done what I said to not do. (I wore blue shirt) and because of that someone who potentially had heard what I said or read it (I typed it into google search and I'm scared someone will trace my internet/is watching me) would think I'm a Muslim and thus me being a hypocrite since I am actually Agnostic. I have tried to combat this by repeadetly saying I am not a Muslim no matter what things I said or did (out loud, on the internet etc). I have even tried to change who I am because of this (I threw away my clothes, left my job etc) so that no one would think I am the same person that said "I am a Muslim if I do X" and I wouldn't be a hypocrite. This has cost me so much money and further ruined my life. I am in so much fear and terror. It makes no sense. I am fine with going to Hell if Islam is right but I can't stand the thought of being a Hypocrite and being punished more.
Please, please, please don't try and tell me to convert or to trust in God, it won't help my problem. I can't repent. I guess what I want to know about my unique case is that if somehow I became a hypocrite, is it possible to go back to being just a kafir or once you are a hypocrite then you are one forever? Is the punishment for munafiq only to those who die in a state of it or to anyone who was ever in a state of it at any given time? Do you think I became a hypocrite? Is there a solution to this without converting?
I will have to repeat this because of my fears. I am not Muslim and I have never been a Muslim. I am an Agnostic. I do not want to be a hypocrite I don't know how this whole mess started but it's rooted in my OCD, fear and stupid mistakes I made in trying to control the fear by scaring myself/tricking myself and all the doubt. I hope at least sometimes I even doubt that. It's so troubling. : (

Considering all this, do you think I am a Hypocrite according to Islam Theology or simply a Disbeliever?

Thank you for reading this crazy long post and I deeply appreciate it anyone can help me.

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you sadperson;

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find answers from some of the Muslim brothers and sisters, which will help you find peace. My thoughts on being agnostic is; that you are not convinced as to whether God exists or not. Faith in God means that you have to do something, to prove to yourself to others and to God that you trust in him. Praying as if you trust that God is listening will help.

I can't repent.

God is forgiving and merciful, so I am not sure why you can’t repent, this is the one way to become closer to God?

I guess what I want to know about my unique case is that if somehow I became a hypocrite, is it possible to go back to being just a kafir

We are all hypocrites, and the churches and mosques should always welcome another hypocrite, but why would you want to be just a kafir?

In the spirit of searching for God

Eric

[جوري]

Did you ever watch or read Tartuffe? I think that's a prime example of what a hypocrite is.
You're not well, that doesn't make you a munafiq. You've already professed that you're not Muslim, so how can we view you as pretending to be something you're not?
There are medications to help with obsessive compulsive thoughts and I think that you should be stabilized on medications before you tackle the subject of theology or any form of philosophy. When people are sick 'per Islam' they're not liable .. so I think you should focus on getting better first and then gauging the meaning and purpose of life..

All the best,

[sadperson]

Hi guys sorry for the late reply. Thank you so so much for those helpful words. They mean alot to me and I will be seeing a therapist in the near future.

To all moderators/administrators

I know this is weird but I need to do this or else my anxiety won't be stopping I don't think. The last few days have been horrible for me. I am so convinced that I said something or changed my password to say something like a secret message where I am saying that if I do something or possibly don't do something than I am a Muslim. I don't think I did anything like this but I can't stop thinking what if I did. This applies to any all accounts I may have created on this site other than this one but I'm fairly sure this is the only one.

Please understand that this is not the case and that I am NOT a Muslim no matter what I do or don't do. I am an Agnostic and I have been an Agnostic my entire life. I have never been a Muslim and I am currently an Agnostic.

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[esperanza]

wich that we could help you somehow but dont know how...

[sadperson]

Please let this one post through

Hi guys sorry for the late reply. Thanks for those helpful words. They mean alot and I am looking to get professional help about my problems. It's been getting worse and I need to get this off my chest:

To all moderators/administrators, anyone who can view passwords and/or anyone else in general

I know this is weird but I need to do this or else I feel like I can't calm down. The last few days have been horrible for me. I am so convinced that I said something or changed my password to say something like a secret message where if I do something and/or don't do something than I am a Muslim. I don't think I did anything like this but I can't stop thinking what if I did. Please understand that I am NOT a Muslim no matter what I do or don't do. No matter what I said in a password or anywhere else I will not be a Muslim because of what I said. I cannot become a Muslim like that and I am an Agnostic and I have never been a Muslim. This applies to this user account and all other user accounts I have ever made. I think this is all related to my OCD. Thanks/sorry/whatever else that needs to be said. I know this is probably annoying but I need to say this to bring down my fears because I can't remember what happened and I am worried I said something. I will be getting help for my OCD or whatever all of this is.

Please, please keep this post/account visible.

[Ramadhan]

^ I know it is hard for you but please stop thinking that you've done anything wrong in this forum.

No on has done anything wrong in this forum, well except troll (which are banned right away anyway) or break forum rules (which would have received infraction points).

May Allah swt gives you good health and guide you to the straight path. Ameen.

[Galaxy]

A hypocrite is someone who acts like a Muslim (prays, fasts, etc.) but is actually a kaafir, for example, someone who prays just to be praised by others is a munafiq. You made it clear you are not Muslim in the first place. Also, I don't see how you can be fine with going to hell if Islaam is "true". May Allaah guide you to the straight path.

[Muhaba]

i think that all your distress is the result of the fact that you are believing something which your mind knows is untrue. deep down your subconscious can't accept that there is no God because it's imbedded into you that there is. God says in the Holy Quran, Chapter 7, that he created all our souls and asked them "Am I not your Lord" and they all replied that He was our Lord. and this information is recorded into our subconscious. it's a memory although we don't remember at conscious level. so anything belief contrary to this truth will not be accepted by our subconscious and we will always question that belief. for example, I, a believer in One God, don't ask myself what is the proof that there is God? is there God? how do i know that there is one God or more Gods, etc. That is because my subconscious is satisfied with my belief. athiests and agnostics on the other hand are not at peace with their beliefs and therefore always try to prove if there is God or not.

so your solution is really simple: just believe that there is God and your mind will satisfied. afterall, how can there not be God? If there isn't God, then who created the universe? if everything evolved one from the other, then who created the first particle? and who caused it to evolve? etc etc. everything around us prove the existence of God: all the animals, humans, vegetables, day and night, unlimited supply of oxygen in the atmosphere, rain, the solar system and the position of planets, etc etc all prove that there is God, that there is just One Creator, and that this Creator is very Wise and Very Kind.

once you accept the truth, your mind will be at ease and then you can further study Islam to see whether it is the True religion or not.

as for your disorder, do get medication, but i'm hopeful that once you come to correct faith about God and start studying Islam with an open mind, your mind will get better by itself.

May God help you and show you the truth. You can read translation of the Quran at http://quran.com/

Verse 172-174 from Chapter 7:
And [mention] when your Lord took from the children of Adam - from their loins - their descendants and made them testify of themselves, [saying to them], "Am I not your Lord?" They said, "Yes, we have testified." [This] - lest you should say on the day of Resurrection, "Indeed, we were of this unaware."

Or [lest] you say, "It was only that our fathers associated [others in worship] with Allah before, and we were but descendants after them. Then would You destroy us for what the falsifiers have done?"

And thus do We [explain in] detail the verses, and perhaps they will return.

[Riana17]

Greetings Sadperson,

This forum is not just for Muslims, its for everyone and you are most welcome as long as we all respect each other, you are also open to share your thoughts or believe as long as we keep the forum clean (no pointing fingers or so)

Sister Belle has a good point, try to get well first but since you tried almost everything, why dont you try to read Quran and the Sunnah.
Try to understand the concept of Islam, Islam is always logic and Inshallah (God willing) it will heal you.

Billions of people believes that Quran is word of our Creator, you dont need to be with in this belief but I hope you'll try to find out about it, I am a new convert and believe me I could be worst than you before, depress is something beyond, I was crying like crazy on daily basis, upset sad worry , they are with me

Alhamdollellah (Thanks to our Creator), I am much better now because I understand what life means.

There are still times I am sad or little depress like today, but its no longer a routine, I feel it once in a while and in the end of the day, I do not worry hell, because Allah (arabic word for Creator) show me the rules.

We human should worship the One and Only God who creates the world, this is the only thing Jews and Muslims highly agree on, there is ONLY ONE GOD... Christians believe so, its the 1st-3rd Commandments

When you are aware of Creator's existence, you will try to avoid major sins like killing etc and you know you can repent any time

Pray sincerely to our Creator that you really wanted to understand what is this life all about and may He guide you to the right path and eventually earn daily peace. Amen

[Marina-Aisha]

someone tell me the quotes from the quran that makes u hypocite...