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anonymous
12-20-2011, 07:21 PM
I got married few months ago and it's the biggest regret of my life!

I left my friends, family and job to be with him 200 miles away.

I am actively looking for a job, so during the day he expects me Togo to his mothers house and help et coo and clean (she makes food for the aunty hubby and children for when they come from work)

He does not allow me to stay in my own apartment (which my dad pays for at the moment as hubby cannot afford it.

After work he comes round to his mums ears and then once a week plays football, twice a week goes to religious talks in which again doesn't let me stay at home!!!

My in laws are lovely but I want my own bloody space! Imscarwd to even ask to be alone as he gets angry and goes weeks without talking to me.

Weekends we spend together yet we still have to go see his mother in the evening!


I've asked him to go football every two weeks and reduce got to religious talks but he claims I'm taking him awaway from religion. Hes driving me insane
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ardianto
12-21-2011, 04:36 AM
Assalamualaikum, sister.

First of all, maybe my advice is not suitable for you because we are living in different place, and different place means different culture. But I will tell you about how wives in my place solve problem like this.

Like I have said in another thread, man doesn't need wali. He comes to nikah as independent person, different than woman who brought by her wali. And Ijab Qobul is a process when the wali give a woman who under his guardianship to a man who will marry this woman. Wali trust this man to take over the guardianship over this woman, and this man has a responsibility to the woman wali to treat this woman well.

In my place, if a wife feel her husband treat her badly, she will report it to her dad as a man who 'gave' her to her husband. Then her dad call her husband and ask his responsibility to treat his daughter well. It's commonly happen in my place, and not always bad because later the husband will realize his fault and start to treat his wife well.

And usually, the wife parent and the husband parent have good relationship.

Sis, can you tell your dad about your problem, like you want to live in your own apartment and your husband habit that too easy to angry and goes weeks without talking to you?

About your husband activities. Let him play football, it's good for his health. Let him go to religious talks, it's good, you should support him. But if he is too busy with himself, it's bad. If he order you to work for his family but he leave you there and goes anywhere, it's worse.

Again, like I have said in another thread. Getting married is not so difficult, but build a family is absolutely not easy. The husband and wife should learn how to build a family .... together!

My wife's friend is a female Islamic teacher who married male Islamic teacher. Sometime they come to my home, and I and my wife learn Islam from them, including learn about maintain Muslim family. They teach us together, I and my wife learn together, except in specific lesson which we must learn separately, I learn from the husband, my wife learn from the wife.

When we meet my uncle who is Islamic teacher, we learn together too. Sometime we come to Islamic lecture together.

Togetherness between husband and wife in learn about Islam, especially in learn about build a Muslim family is very good to raise an understanding between husband and wife.

Sister, can you and your husband learn about build a Muslim family together?. Maybe you can invite an Islamic teacher to give lecture to you and your husband, maybe you and your husband visit Islamic lecture about it.

Or, you and your husband can go to Islamic center. Usually Islamic center has Muslim marriage counseling. Not only for those who have problem in marriage but also for those who want to learn about build and maintain a happy Muslim family.
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Banu_Hashim
12-21-2011, 08:18 AM
If he is going to religious talks and neglecting you and not taking your needs into consideration, then it doesn't look like that religious education is benefiting him! Remind him:

The Prophet (sws) said, "The best of you is the best to his family and I am the best amongst you to my family" Tirmidhi, Ibn Maajah.

Imam Shawkaani states in his book Nayl Al-Awtar (6/360):

"This is pointing to the fact that the best people and those most worthy of this description are those who treat their family the best. Surely, the family deserve the most to be happy, to be treated with good manners and kindness, and to be protected from harm and provided with what benefits them. So, if the man fits this description, then he is the best of people: and if, on the other hand, he acts contrary to this, then he is in the realms of evil.

You frequently see people falling into this trap. So you see a man, when he is with his family he has one of the worst characters, he is stingy and mean and shows them little kindness.

However, when he meets others he is gentle, shows good character, joyful and does a lot of good. There is not a shadow of a doubt that this type of person is deprived of success and has deviated from the straight path. We ask Allaah for the wellbeing"


---

Tell him in a nice way you need your space sometimes and suggest things you can do together, like attend these talks together. Take the brother above's advice- looks like he has been married for a while. Also speak to your parents about it, they have the most experience of all!

All the best.

:wa:
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Abz2000
12-21-2011, 09:59 AM
please don't take him away from his religious talks as it is a source of blessing for you, it may be that he will one day come across a talk on family time etc,
sister, there are many husbands who go out womanizing, and come home drunk.
i would say you were one of the lucky ones,
Insha Allah, all will heal in time.
he is newly married and still attached strongly to his family,
pushing him now would make him feel you are trying to drag him away form them.
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ardianto
12-21-2011, 11:44 AM
Originally Posted by Abz2000
there are many husbands who go out womanizing, and come home drunk
Not always so bad like this, bro.

There are husbands who gather with their male friends, drink coffee or other halal beverage, talk about football or basketball. But when they come home and their wives ask why they come late, they answer "meet the clients".

Husbands like this usually are husbands in new marriage. Frankly, I was one of them. :D

Now, sometime I gathered with my male friends, but I always told my wife before I go to that gathering, where, with who, and when will I come home. Sometime my wife wanted to meet her female friends. I drove her to her friend's home, left her, and back few hours later to take her home. But usually we visit couple who we know, or our friends visit us, like that couple of Islamic teachers.
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Salahudeen
12-21-2011, 12:11 PM
Sounds as if you have it good compared to some, some are in your situation and their in laws aren't lovely like yours are, what you mentioned about all ways going to in laws is part and parcel of the marriage in some cultures, especially in mine lol, if you try to get out of this they could look at you badly like you're trying to take the son away from the family, TP mentality doesn't understand that a person needs space lol, family politics ;D I think you should hang in there because this is the situation in a lot of marriages, my aunty is at her in laws every day also with the kids, and they just come home to their house in the evening, this is very common in marriages of a certain culture. But people just adapt and get used to it because a good person is hard to find, if you were married to someone else then the problem would be something else, what I'm trying to say is you're never going to find the perfect guy who is able to please you in every aspect, but you have to learn to accept and be happy with what you have.

Don't regret your marriage, be happy you found someone who married you and is good in his deen with regards to staying away from haraam things etc you'd be surprised the amount of sisters who get married to men who are totally away from the deen in that they don't pray or anything and have no interest in going to talks.

If he goes football every two weeks then maybe he will get fat and then you'll tell him to go back to football every week :hmm:

Stay patient, if he is good in every other way then this is nothing
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Salahudeen
12-21-2011, 12:24 PM
Originally Posted by Banu_Hashim
I like attend these talks together. Take the brother above's advice- looks like he has been married for a while. Also speak to your parents about it, they have the most experience of all!

All the best.

:wa:
Akhi I think he takes her to the talks with him and that's what she doesn't like. Or drops her off at in laws maybe

twice a week goes to religious talks in which again doesn't let me stay at home!!!
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Banu_Hashim
12-21-2011, 12:27 PM
Ah okay. I assumed she meant he makes her stay with his parents.
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Salahudeen
12-21-2011, 12:29 PM
Originally Posted by Banu_Hashim
Ah okay. I assumed she meant he makes her stay with his parents.
Could be that too :hmm: allah hu alam.
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anonymous
12-21-2011, 02:18 PM
When he's at talks I'm with the inlaws.
I use to have independence now I hate my life whether people have it worse isnt the point here! I rather be divorced than be with my husband. I feel neglected hurt and depressed and feel like a maid! I dot wanna go to my inlaws I wanna stay at home in my own space and lie indecently. He also took a wedding away from
Me which I wanted. I feel alone in a place which I hate! I hate him and I hate his family.
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SFatima
12-21-2011, 02:57 PM
My dear sister you're acting quite immaturely, If you hate him, who knows he might be feeling the same for you? I think you married quite young with all those princess fairy tale fantasies.. However things are not so bad, if you learn to be patient. If you're going to act impatient and flighty all the time, its going to drive him away.

Why dont you find a study course or something to do, which could help you convince him that you actually do need to stay at your home and need sometime off. Looks like its a love marriage? hmmm
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Muhaba
12-22-2011, 09:08 AM
the problem with men is that they don't realize (or are not taught) the rights of their wives. the only thing they are taught is that the wife is subjugated to them and the husband has rights over the wife, etc. but the truth is that the woman has a lot if rights over her husband too. in fact, Allah tells men not to treat their wives in an oppressive manner which will be so intolerable to the woman that she will ask for divorce (khula0 by returning the dowry back.

i agree with brother Ardianto that you should talk to your parents about the situation. you should also find some good islamic books that teach about the wife's rights on the husband. your husband should realize that it is your right to stay in your house and not be forced to go to other places which make you uncofortable. while it's right that you see your inlaws and even help them if you can but your comfort can't be sacrificed for such things. when you get married, your main duties are to your husband and your children. it's your job to make your own house a comfortable place for your husband and children. As for your inlaws, their burden isn't really on you. while helping them is charity for you, you can't be forced for such work. Allah says in the Quran that children should accompany their parents in old age. Allah didn't say that the woman should accompany her husband's parents in their old age. so you are more responsible to your own parents in their old age than to your husband's parents.

i am in no way discouraging you from helping them when you can but if it makes you discomfortable then noone can force you.

your husband also may be suffering from insecurity if he is afraid of leaving you at home alone. if he doesn't trust you to be alone that is a problem. if however, it is because the area is unsafe and he's worried about your safety , then that's a different matter. all these issues should be resolved. pray to God to solve your problems but also work at solving them. talk to your parents, your husband and even your inlaws about this. May Allah help you and may Allah forgive me if i've written anything wrong.
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Rhubarb Tart
12-22-2011, 04:48 PM
I think you should talk to him and have heart to heart without being angry. Talk to him away from his family and say to him that you are not happy with this living arrangement. And make sure you let him know that if this continues then you can longer be his wife period. Remember talk to him when you are clam.
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IslamicRevival
12-22-2011, 06:01 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
When he's at talks I'm with the inlaws.
I use to have independence now I hate my life whether people have it worse isnt the point here! I rather be divorced than be with my husband. I feel neglected hurt and depressed and feel like a maid! I dot wanna go to my inlaws I wanna stay at home in my own space and lie indecently. He also took a wedding away from
Me which I wanted. I feel alone in a place which I hate! I hate him and I hate his family.
Have you ever thought that your husband may be actually doing this to protect you? There is nothing wrong with a man wanting his Wife to stay with the in laws rather then being home alone. Saying you hate him and his family is a little too strong, Hate is a very very strong word and im sure you don't mean it.

Talk to your Husband rather then posting emotionally driven messages like the above, you will look back on the above post and probably laugh at it in a few days time :)
I hope this issue is resolved and I wish you and your family all the success in the world InshAllah
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Asiyah3
12-22-2011, 08:45 PM
:sl:

Originally Posted by anonymous
I got married few months ago and it's the biggest regret of my life!
Al-hamdulillah. Don't let worldly things sadden you.

I left my friends, family
Isn't that what every woman does?? The difference in them is that some women do it with the right intentions, seeking Allah's pleasure, nor waiting thanks from their husbands, while others do it for their own purposes waiting to be rewarded, thanked or praised for their deed by humans.

If both parties get married seeking Allah's pleasure, doing it for His sake, having righteous intentions, like building an Islamic home according to Qur'aan and Sunnah, I doubt such problems would occur.

and job to be with him 200 miles away.
Do you actually need to work? Is it a necessity or you just want to? Did you not know before marriage that you'd have to move together with your husband?

Shouldn't we look at our own decisions and take responsibility, or if we'd be regretful at least let's be regretful for those deeds which make our Aakhirah worse for us and earn our Lord's displeasure?


I am actively looking for a job, so during the day he expects me Togo to his mothers house and help et coo and clean (she makes food for the aunty hubby and children for when they come from work)

He does not allow me to stay in my own apartment (which my dad pays for at the moment as hubby cannot afford it.
Try to discuss this with your husband. remember to avoid shouting, complaining or attacking him...

After work he comes round to his mums ears and then once a week plays football, twice a week goes to religious talks in which again doesn't let me stay at home!!!

My in laws are lovely but I want my own bloody space! Imscarwd to even ask to be alone as he gets angry and goes weeks without talking to me.
If a person betters their relationship with Allah, Allah will better his relationship with people. So even if you cannot do anything about your husband at the moment, strive to become closer to Allah swt, and from that comes success, inshaAllah.

Weekends we spend together yet we still have to go see his mother in the evening!
And that is a problem for you because...? By making this a problem, he might think that you are against his mother, and that might drive him away from you, and cling to his mom even more.

I'd suggest being supportive instead and encouraging him to meet his mom. Also when he meets his mom, you will inshaAllah also be rewarded if you'd be patient.

I've asked him to go football every two weeks and reduce got to religious talks but he claims I'm taking him awaway from religion. Hes driving me insane
My sister, what is there to worry about when all trials, in fact, come from our Creator Allah, the Ghafur ar-Rahim?

Surat At-Taghabun:11 No calamity befalleth save by Allah's leave. And whosoever believeth in Allah, He guideth his heart. And Allah is Knower of all things.

Your husband is a true blessing. Think, you can get Jannah, an eternal bliss, through him. ...or Hell, verily, the Angels are writing our deeds.

Sister, please, your husband is not your enemy. Satan is our enemy, and he is trying to cause problems between you. Don't let that happen.

...And in every goodness lies a reward...

May Allah increase the love, mercy and peace between you, solve your problems and grant you patience and ease.
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~Raindrop~
12-22-2011, 09:00 PM
:sl:

Please remember that this sister is in need of advice, members bickering childishly over who's right and who's wrong isn't going to help her in the slightest.

Some of the posts in this thread are appalling.

We're not here to judge. If you have something good and constructive to say, then please do so. If you're here to criticise or judge, it would be better if you didn't say anything at all.

Off-topic, rude and unhelpful posts will be removed, so please think before posting.

JazakumAllahu Khairan.
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Rhubarb Tart
12-22-2011, 09:20 PM
When the Wife is Unhappy With the Husband

By: Dr. Ahmad Shafaat

(1984)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Qur'an 4:34 (Surah Nisa, ayah 4) gives some guidance as to how to deal with marriage difficulties when husbands feel that their wives are being deliberately nasty to them. The Holy Qur'an also gives guidance for cases when it is the wife who thinks that she is being mistreated and feels unhappy about it.

In this connection it must, first of all, be clearly understood by all Muslims that the Holy Qur'an unequivocally prohibits keeping women in wedlock against their will. In Surah al-Baqarah, verse 231, it is said:

"And do not retain them (i.e. women) in wedlock against their will in order to hurt them. He who does such a thing indeed sins against himself. And do not take the signs of God lightly..."

And in Surah an-Nisa verse 19 we read:

"O YOU who have attained to faith! It is not lawful for you to [try to] become heirs of your wives [by holding onto them] against their will."

These verses appear in some particular contexts but they clearly contain the principle (also found in Hadith) that women can be brought into the marriage relationship and kept in that relationship only if they want to do so.

In some cultures, including parts of the Muslim world, women are sometimes beaten by their relatives into marrying men of the relatives' own choice or beaten to stay in the marriage bond. Those who do that commit a sin and unless forgiven by the women concerned will be punished by hell-fire in the hereafter.

It is true, as we have seen in another article, that husbands can lightly beat their wives when they show prolonged and deliberately nasty behaviour but such beating can be done only when the intention to stay in the marriage bond is intact on the part of both the husband and the wife. The moment the wife makes up her mind that she does not wish to remain in the marriage bond and she clearly expresses this decision on her part, the husband ceases to have any justification in the sight of God to beat her.

It is not only by physical force that women are sometimes kept in marriage against their will. More often it is social or economic pressures that are used, consciously or unconsciously, to keep them tied in the unwanted relationship. In Surah an-Nisa' the Book of God combats such social and economic pressures:

"If a woman fears ill-treatment (mushuz) or indifference (i'radh) from her husband, it is not wrong if (at her initiative) the two set things peacefully to right between themselves; for, peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human souls. But if you do good and are conscious of Him, behold, God is aware of all that you do... If the two break up, God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise." (4:128-130)

In many cultures, including the Muslim culture, it is considered taboo on the part of a woman, especially if she is of "noble" (sharif) descent, to express unhappiness with marriage and to try to do something about it (except in cases of extreme cruelty on the part of the husband). This type of attitude is part of the social pressure which is used to keep women suppressed. The Qur'an says that if a woman feels that her husband is too indifferent to her, i.e. does not give enough love to her or mistreats her and she is therefore unhappy, there is nothing wrong if she initiates steps to change the situation.

It should be noted that whenever the Qur'an says "there is nothing wrong" or "it is not wrong" (la junaha), it means to fight certain social taboos and established psychological attitudes. In the above passage it is fighting the attitude which expects women to continue in the marriage bond as the husbands keep them regardless of whether the wife is reasonably happy or not.

The first step that a woman should take to change her marriage situation, if she is unhappy with it, is, of course, to "talk it out" with her husband. This may lead to one of two things: a greater understanding between the two resulting in a satisfactory change in the husband's attitude or a mutual decision to dissolve the marriage bond (with the wife possibly returning par of the dowry (2:229)). Such peaceful settling of matters is beautifully encouraged in the words

"peace is best, and selfishness is ever present in human soul. But if you do good and are conscious of God, behold, God is aware of all that you do."

Selfishness is accepted here as an inevitable condition of the human soul, so we are not expected to altogether get rid of it. What we are expected to do is to balance our selfishness with God consciousness and consideration for others. This means that we should pursue our self-interests within the limits set by God for our own good and also do something for others instead of being all the time concerned with ourselves.

It is in such a spirit that the husband and wife should discuss their marriage difficulties. Both have the right to expect happiness from the marriage relationship but each of them should seek happiness with consciousness of God and some concern for the happiness of the other partner in marriage. If the husband is not inclined to discuss things in this spirit and continues to mistreat the wife, then the wife can go to an Islamic court which must then impose a settlement on the husband on just terms. This is because it is the duty of Islamic courts to enforce the law of God and deal with all forms of zulm (injustice).

The Holy Qur'an wishes to make it socially acceptable for a wife to seek a change in her marriage situation if she feels that her husband mistreats her or is indifferent to her. But social acceptability alone is not enough; for, as noted earlier, tied with social taboos are economic considerations that often pressure the woman to accept her unhappy marriage situation. The Qur'an says that this should not be the case. It reminds all the concerned persons - the wife, the husband and relatives that:

"God provides everyone out of His abundance, for God is resourceful, wise" (4:130)

If all attempts on the part of the wife to establish a reasonably happy and dignified relationship with her husband fail and breakup of the marriage is the only option, then this option should not be rejected only for economic reasons. Let the wife and her relatives trust in God who is the real provider of all. Marriage should be viewed primarily as a love relationship (30:21) and not as an economic relationship.

The reminder that God is the provider of all is also meant for the husband. It tells him that he should not be too stingily and try to get back every penny that he might have spent on the wife but rather settle on equitable, if not generous, terms. God, who provided him all that he spent on his wife, may provide him yet more out of His infinite abundance.

It is instructive to note a couple of differences between the passage considered above and verse 34 of the same Surah an-Nisa' dealing with the case when it is the husband who is unhappy with the wife. In the latter case it is simply said: "If you (i.e. husbands) part" whereas in the above passage it is said "If a woman fears nushuz or i'radh on her husbands part." The addition of i'radh meaning turning away or becoming indifferent in case of a husband and its omission in the case of a wife is significant. This is a recognition that in love and sex relationship man's role is a more active one in the sense that he is the one who makes most of the first moves and therefore as a rule he alone can do i'radh: she can, as a rule, only refuse to respond (which if done willfully and too often would come under nushuz and would be dealt with as such).

Another difference between the two cases is that when the husband fears nushuz on the part of the wife he can, after due admonition and talking, separate the wife in bed and then lightly beat her while such measures are not suggested to the wife if she is the one who fears nushuz or i'drah from the husband. This is, of course, not because the Qur'an sees anything wrong in principle with the wife separating herself in bed from the ill-treating husband or even beating him. The reason rather is that the Qur'an recognizes the well-observed fact that as a rule women are physically weaker than men and therefore it would be difficult for her to implement such measures against the husband. Unlike the sentimental feminists, the Qur'an is wise enough and realistic enough to first admit that in general women are indeed physically weaker than men and then to realize that it would be totally unhelpful to ask a weaker partner to use forceful methods against a stronger one, especially if that stronger partner is already mistreating her.

But this does not mean that Islam leaves women at the mercy of their husbands. If despite being a Muslim a husband fails to respect the principles outlined in the Qur'an and instead of peacefully settling matters with the wife shows neither the inclination to treat her as a husband should treat a wife nor lets her go in a maruf (just and public) way, then it is the collective duty of the Muslim society to step in and, through a suitable legal system, enforce the law of God by imposing a settlement on the husband on terms judged equitable by an impartial court. It is regrettable that Muslim societies have not yet evolved such a suitable legal system to give women adequate protection against their stronger marriage partners should these stronger partners abandon love and tenderness and turn nasty.
http://www.islamicperspectives.com/UnhappyWife.htm
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Tyrion
12-22-2011, 09:22 PM
The husband claims to go to "religious talks" but those can just be a cover to get out of the house. A real religious man wouldn't abandon his family and not fulfill his duties as a good husband to go to religious events anyway... Also, the OP should go talk to an Imam she trusts, or anyone knowledgeable, and get some advice. If things are really as bad as she claims, and things don't seem like they'll improve, divorce is an option. No reason to stay with a man who makes her life unbearable... But next time, try to talk to the husband and smooth all this out before marriage... Maybe add a few more clauses into the marriage contract...
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Snowflake
12-22-2011, 09:26 PM
^Firstly sis anger is from the shaytaan, so insha Allah seek refuge in Allah. Secondly I actually thought you'd made some good points but the bitterness and anger ruined it. I hope you take my few words with a deeper meaning as to what I am trying to say insha Allah. Also we shouldn't use term's like 'what the hell'. Apart from making a person look inarticulate, Hell is a living creation of Allah for those who disobeyed Him. Rather we should remember hell by seeking protection from it, not remembering it to vent our anger.
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Rhubarb Tart
12-22-2011, 09:36 PM
^^^^ does not matter i have good point. what matters some people think it is okay to treat a wife like this!!! and such a man is a blessing! and one shouldnt do anything about it because people have it a lot worse then you!! it is culture so it is okay!

and we all know those using patient dont mean in terms of dua otherwise they would have made that clear too.
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Snowflake
12-22-2011, 10:03 PM
Originally Posted by sweet106
^^^^ does not matter i have good point. what matters some people think it is okay to treat a wife like this!!! and such a man is a blessing! and one shouldnt do anything about it because people have it a lot worse then you!! it is culture so it is okay!

and we all know those using patient dont mean in terms of dua otherwise they would have made that clear too.
Ukhti two wrongs don't make a right. Remember, the Prophet sallahu alayhi wa sallam said that a believer does not have iman until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. If you disagree with anyone then you can say you disagree and say why in the way you'd like for yourself. I am speaking from experience when I've exploded at people because my emotions got the better of me. We can learn not to do that insha Allah :)
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Rhubarb Tart
12-22-2011, 10:54 PM
Originally Posted by Dying Rose

Ukhti two wrongs don't make a right. Remember, the Prophet sallahu alayhi wa sallam said that a believer does not have iman until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. If you disagree with anyone then you can say you disagree and say why in the way you'd like for yourself. I am speaking from experience when I've exploded at people because my emotions got the better of me. We can learn not to do that insha Allah :)
ok i understand. thanks
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Abz2000
12-23-2011, 12:38 AM
didn't you say he can't afford another apartment sis?
maybe he's just not too particular about it and would it not be unfair to burden him beyond what he can bear?
and regarding those who are inciting the sister against him by backbiting, it would be fair to say these things if he was aware of this thread so he could reflect too,
in the absence of such imho it is best to give positive advice to the sister in her presence so that she doesn't go off on an emotional one without anyone to support her with balanced views during the argument,
this situation calls for reconciliation not division
peace


On one occasion, the Prophet's wives, led by A'isha and Hafsa, asked him for some money which he did not have.
The Prophet (pbuh) was distressed, not because he did not have the money to give them but rather because it was the demand of money they were after.
At this time, both Abu Bakr and Omar visited him and they found the Messenger of Allah seated, surrounded by his wives who were all silent and somber looking. Abu Bakr said to himself, "By Allah, I will say something to cheer up the Messenger of Allah!”
So he said to the Prophet (pbuh): "O’ Messenger of Allah! If I were to see the daughter of Khadija asking me for money, I would strike her on the neck!" The Messenger of Allah smiled and said, 'These ones you see have asked me for money." So Abu Bakr went to grab A'isha (his daughter) and Omar went to grab Hafsa (his daughter), both exclaiming, "Do you ask the Messenger of Allah for something he does not have!" The women said, "By Allah, we would never ask the Messenger of Allah for something he does not have!"
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ardianto
12-23-2011, 03:54 PM
The OP is living in the culture that has tradition which the wife is obligated to serve the in-law. But the root of the problem in this case actually the husband immaturity and his lack of independence, not the tradition itself.

A husband is the leader of the family. And the first duty of the husband in marriage is build his own family which has its own autonomy under his authority. This is the thing that not done by the OP husband. He did not build his own family, but he still in his origin family and 'drag' his wife to his family.

Like I have said, the problem is not in the tradition, because as the leader of the family, the husband can use his authority to adjust this tradition according to his wife ability. If the wife able to serve his parent once a week only, he can make a rule, his wife serve his parent just once a week. And he can use his authority as the leader of his own family to refuse when his parent try intervene with force his wife to serve them more than his wife ability.

But in this case, the OP husband cannot refuse if his parent want his wife serve them everyday although his wife objected to this matter, because he does not have his own family where he becomes the leader.

This is the root of the problem in this case.
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anonymous
12-24-2011, 03:03 PM
Salaam all,

sorry i have been busy which is why i havent been able to post.

Fatimah - i can say how i feel whether you may think it is immature - if you were in the situation then you would understand. i am not young love, i am in my late 20s.

Thing is if i dont help my inlaws out my husband threatens that he will marry another wife to help her out.

I am a introvert, i love my own space - there is nothing wrong wth that. Before marriage, my father stated she needs her space and privacy that is he person she is, she will go to see her inlaws however she will go when she wants not when she is forced as she is a very independent person.

Lastly the silent treatment kills me, he can withdraw himself from me for weeks. whatever his family say goes. even on weekends his sister will text saying mum needs bread etc etc she only does this ondays whereshe knows it is our time.
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ardianto
12-24-2011, 03:11 PM
Have you tell your father about your problem ?
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ardianto
12-24-2011, 04:49 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
I am a introvert, i love my own space
Not only love their own space, typical of introvert persons is prefer to avoid conflict. It makes them hard to say "No". And choose to follow what people around them want, although in the heart, they refuse it.

After I evaluate this case from the OP posts, I found this problem happened because:

The OP husband did not build his own family, but he still in his origin family and 'dragged' the OP in his origin family. From post #25, I saw his family did not 'release' him to build his own family. I guess, his family do not want to lose him, and unfortunately, the OP husband afraid to his family.

The OP husband force his wife to always serve his family because his family want it, and he cannot refuse it. The OP husband action which threat the OP, he will marry another wife indicate that actually he is panic. He afraid his family will angry to him if his wife refuse to serve them again.

And this problem is going worse because the OP afraid to say "No" when her husband force her to serve her in-law. But I do not blame the OP. I understand how introvert person is, because basically I am an introvert too.

So, the key to solve this problem is actually is in the OP husband, not in the OP herself. If her husband still afraid to build his own family and draw the line between his own family and his origin family, this problem would never be solved.

Need someone or some people who can raise his courage to build his own family, also explain to his origin family that he and his wife need to live in their own life.

My advice to the OP. Call her father to talk with her husband and her in-law.



PS : I make a post like this that not directly refer to the OP (the anonymous sister) because I expect other members who want to give advice know the situation before they write a post.
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Salahudeen
12-24-2011, 10:36 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Salaam all,

sorry i have been busy which is why i havent been able to post.

Fatimah - i can say how i feel whether you may think it is immature - if you were in the situation then you would understand. i am not young love, i am in my late 20s.

Thing is if i dont help my inlaws out my husband threatens that he will marry another wife to help her out.

I am a introvert, i love my own space - there is nothing wrong wth that. Before marriage, my father stated she needs her space and privacy that is he person she is, she will go to see her inlaws however she will go when she wants not when she is forced as she is a very independent person.

Lastly the silent treatment kills me, he can withdraw himself from me for weeks. whatever his family say goes. even on weekends his sister will text saying mum needs bread etc etc she only does this ondays whereshe knows it is our time.
As others have suggested if its too much for you to handle, tell your father who will be able to handle the situation with wisdom inshaAllah and he will be able to talk with your husband and hear why he demands of you to go to your in laws every day and then your father can explain to him why this isn't productive for your marriage. It's making you depressed etc and you feel suffocated.
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ژاله
12-28-2011, 11:08 AM
OP you do have a point. If you would rather live in your own appartment, your husband should let you. I am surprised how many members here are biased towards your husband even when his behaviour is not justified. Its important that you know your rights and dont accept the unjustified treatment just because everyone is suggesting so. You know, its a cultural thing. Men are almost always right, women wrong. Dont let it overwhelm you dear. Stay strong.
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Ansariyah
12-28-2011, 09:07 PM
Can he not financially support you, you mentioned that your dad pays for his apartment. In Islam a man is suppose to be able to provide for his family before marriage.

I think your Dad should stop paying for his apartment. Cleaning at your in laws, is really not your responsibility either. I assume your from south Asian culture as this practice is more common there? Islam encourages us to treat our in laws like our parents and be kind to them. But they should be kind to you too. They can't expect you to clean and cook for them when you have your own home to take care of. Whatever you do for them do it for Allah's sake, but if you really feel like it's too much you need to be able to say sorry I can't. Do it only when you can and want to.

As for him dropping you at your in laws when he attends other places, can't you tell him that you prefer to stay at your home?
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syilla
12-29-2011, 05:44 AM
There are always solution for everything. Try to negotiate with others. Let divorce be the last resort. I'm sure when you look back this is only a small problem. So stay strong, be flexible and take care :)
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IbnAbdulHakim
01-08-2012, 08:50 PM
You got your own flat... surely you have time now and then?


I know this might sound stupid but what EXACTLY do you want?


Please plainly look into your heart and let me know what you want. I am eager to hear your response.

I read out your situation to my married sisters and they said you sound like you have a lovely situation HOWEVER your husband should give up the football day and spend that time with you.

My sisters arent introverts though so i guess thats different... they love being around their in-laws.
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Ibn Abi Ahmed
01-08-2012, 08:55 PM
:sl:

You need to go see a marriage counselor together with your husband and tell him what you're telling us. No one here is a qualified counselor, but most are unmarried young people.
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IbnAbdulHakim
01-08-2012, 08:57 PM
May i suggest you seek advise and dua's from a religious sheikh also.

there may be a lack of understanding somewhere inside both you and your husband, you wont believe what a dua from a man beloved to Allah can do.
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ardianto
01-09-2012, 02:22 PM
Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim
You got your own flat... surely you have time now and then?


I know this might sound stupid but what EXACTLY do you want?


Please plainly look into your heart and let me know what you want. I am eager to hear your response.

I read out your situation to my married sisters and they said you sound like you have a lovely situation HOWEVER your husband should give up the football day and spend that time with you.
I think you didn't follow this thread closely.
My sisters arent introverts though so i guess thats different... they love being around their in-laws.
Your sisters are not this anonymous sister. Your sister's husbands are not this anonymous sister's husband.

They are different persons with different characters, different personalities, and different life.
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IbnAbdulHakim
01-09-2012, 05:06 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
I think you didn't follow this thread closely.

Your sisters are not this anonymous sister. Your sister's husbands are not this anonymous sister's husband.

They are different persons with different characters, different personalities, and different life.
no i didnt follow the thread closely, but I really wanted to both ask the question I asked and let the sister know that there are people out there who spend 24/7 wth in-laws.


Did I make a huge mistake somewhere?


salaam
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ardianto
01-10-2012, 12:54 PM
Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim
no i didnt follow the thread closely, but I really wanted to both ask the question I asked and let the sister know that there are people out there who spend 24/7 wth in-laws.
I know some women who live with their in-law, and feel happy. But like I have said, different persons, different life.

Okay, before I continue I will show you an advice that I gave to a sister.
There is no any rule in Islam that mention, after getting married husband and wife should live in .......

If you want to have your own space and do not want to live with your in-laws, just talk to your husband.

But sis, not every husband afford to buy or rent a house. If your husband has not afford to buy or rent the house and decide to live with his parent, you should live with him. And always support him to make money and always make du'a wish Allah give him enough income to buy or rent a house, and then you can move to your own space.
Also I have said, the first duty of husband is establish his own family that has its own autonomy, I mean free of intervention from other parties. That's what those women husbands have done.

They have their own reason to live in the husband parent houses. And decision to live there are husband's decisions that have been 'approved' by the wives. It's made those wives did not mind to live with their in-law.

But this anon sister case is different. She wanted to live in her own space, her dad has given her an apartment. But her husband force her to work for her in-law everyday. He drive his wife to his parents home, leave his wife there, busy with his own business, and back to his parents home only to take his wife back to her apartment.

This anonymous sister husband treat her like a maid.

[[I am a introvert, i love my own space - there is nothing wrong wth that. Before marriage, my father stated she needs her space and privacy that is he person she is, she will go to see her inlaws however she will go when she wants not when she is forced as she is a very independent person.]]

Her husband didn't care what she wants or she need. This is not sign of good husband.

[[Lastly the silent treatment kills me, he can withdraw himself from me for weeks. whatever his family say goes. even on weekends his sister will text saying mum needs bread etc etc she only does this ondays whereshe knows it is our time.]]

But when the husband family order him to do something, he always follow what they want. That's why I said he did not establish his own family (that has autonomy and free from intervention)

[[Thing is if i dont help my inlaws out my husband threatens that he will marry another wife to help her out.]]

What is the purpose of marriage for this man? to build a family or to have a maid for his family?


Bro, if your sisters feel happy to live with their in-law, that's because their husbands are good husbands who know how to treat the wives.
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