Were you physically attracted to your spouse before marriage?

[Salahudeen]

I'm just interested to know this, because many people I've talked to wern't and they said it develops after marriage, I'm just wondering if there's any truth in that. Poll is there, jazakAllah khair.

[~ Sabr ~]

Yes I was, Alhamdulillah.

['Abd Al-Maajid]

Lets just discuss this in the brothers' section. :p So much to discuss on marriage topics..:giggling:

...oh yes, i am single, if that helps... :p

[Predator]

On the subject of attraction ,from a male perspective , how important is it for a Man to be attracted to the woman he plans to marry and that it shouldnt be a like a bitter pill given by his parents to swallow ?

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[Muhaba]

There should always be some attraction. The person you're marrying should appeal to you in some way. It's not necessary for them to be very beautiful or handsome because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

so if you're okay with the person and like their personality, then marry them. but if not, that is, they are attractive but you don't feel any attraction to them, it may simply be because you are not happy with the idea of parents suggesting someone. In that case, you should think of it as just that, your parents introducing you to a person just as someone else may do so. for example, a friend may introduce you to someone or you may meet someone at college, which is really the college introducing you to someone. and so, you shouldn't make an issue out of parents introducing you to someone. it may be something you are not used to but it's normal and nothing to worry about.

if the person is attractive and their personality is likeable, you shouldn't refuse just because it's an arranged marriage. insha-Allah with this mindset, you will open up and see the person in true light and eventually, before or after marriage, you'll develop attraction. But if you look at the subject with a closed mind (if you see it as something inappropraite, something that can't possibly work) you'll never give the person a chance and will never see the person in true light. you'll feel dislike towrd the person for no reason and the results will not be good. this is simply because current day society has taught us that we should ourselves find a spouse and recommendation by parents is not the way to find a spouse. but is wrong, because even in the wester society, someone is always recommending someone. friends will introduce them, ppl go on blind dates, ppl use datng agencies, etc. If such work then why can't you meet your spouse through parents / family?

on the other hand, if the person is not attractive or their personality is not likeable, then it might be better for you to not marry them because you may never develop attraction, and the marriage will be doomed.

[glo]

I think if you like somebody or find them beautiful in terms of personality etc, then you will find them physically attractive too.
Any imperfections may still be there, but become insignificant and unimportant.

And there is much more to marriage than being physically attracted to each other. (That's from a female perspective)

[cuezed]

I never met my wife before the nikah

[glo]

I never met my wife before the nikah

How did you feel when you first met her?
And how did you mature together as a couple after your wedding?

[Cabdullahi]

people want something similar to what they see on TV...what they see on TV is a concentrated form of what the carnal self desires.....everything that the carnal self desires is magnified and made more apparent....its very visually appealing and that's what the people want.

[SFatima]

I agree with the above comment. Beauty standards have been massively corrupted by the fake plastic media, and we all are victims to it to some extent :/

When I was little, and we did not watch tv much, I always used to like people who were nice to me, and not people who looked so beautiful and well dressed. With time, into my late teens, exposure to media increased and it was evident from all the people around me, that appearance was the first thing everybody noticed, to the extent that girls would swoon over a certain person just because he vaguely resembled a famous western figure :p

I'm glad I was not over exposed through the media at a young age where you only get to see good looking people and you mistakenly start assuming that there is a beauty planet out there where everyone can find a beautiful looking person, the rest are just weird and if you cant find a very beautiful looking person you're a looser :p

Anyhow, ahum I'm single so i'll just pass the question but I do hope that many people do start liking their spouses if they are good practising muslims , cuz Allah would put love in their hearts.

[ardianto]

I'm just interested to know this, because many people I've talked to wern't and they said it develops after marriage, I'm just wondering if there's any truth in that.

Assalamu' alaikum.

If you feel happy with your wife, you would love her and would always attracted to her, even if she is phisically unattractive.

One biggest dream of human is meet someone who makes them fall in love, then get married. However, not every man/woman is lucky like this. So, what they do is try to find someone who can accept them, and they try to accept their spouses, they do not care about special feeling. Later they feel enjoy with their spouse, the love raise in their hearts, and they always want to do intimacy with their spouses.

There are many happy marriage that started without special feeling. But, it will not happen in forced marriage.

[Muezzin]

people want something similar to what they see on TV...what they see on TV is a concentrated form of what the carnal self desires.....everything that the carnal self desires is magnified and made more apparent....its very visually appealing and that's what the people want.

Women who look like such perfect idealised fantasies tend not to be marriage material, as firstly, they tend not to actually exist and secondly, because people without flaws are not people.

[yasirslm]

Well it is but soon after babies are born attraction blows away as attraction goes to babies^o)

[Qurratul Ayn]

^ I'm sure that's not the case! Lol

Anyways, it's the inside what counts the most. Truly. My friend once said to me, if the inside is ugly, then the outside most definitely is ugly.

[جوري]

You've to be attracted to the person you marry no? attraction itself isn't a catch all term.. it is a matter of preference, personality, compatibility etc. all make for a solid partnership.. You can't have intimate relations with someone you're not attracted to, it would be like rape.. unless you're doing it for charity in which case it isn't fair to either party..
Please let me emphasize that there's no 'universal' for attractive. I find brad pit and that former James bond guy and Tom cruize utterly repulsive many people obviously drool over them I can't understand why but those are the laws of attraction so everyone will have an ideal and I read somewhere that for women it is usually someone that resembles their father (not look wise) but personality & character if they'd a good relationship with dad.. So obviously it is all more complicated than all that.

[yasirslm]

^ I'm sure that's not the case! Lol

Anyways, it's the inside what counts the most. Truly. My friend once said to me, if the inside is ugly, then the outside most definitely is ugly.

Agreed...:statisfie

[Salahudeen]

You've to be attracted to the person you marry no? attraction itself isn't a catch all term.. it is a matter of preference, personality, compatibility etc. all make for a solid partnership.. You can't have intimate relations with someone you're not attracted to, it would be like rape.. unless you're doing it for charity in which case it isn't fair to either party..
Please let me emphasize that there's no 'universal' for attractive. I find brad pit and that former James bond guy and Tom cruize utterly repulsive many people obviously drool over them I can't understand why but those are the laws of attraction so everyone will have an ideal and I read somewhere that for women it is usually someone that resembles their father (not look wise) but personality & character if they'd a good relationship with dad.. So obviously it is all more complicated than all that.

Attraction eventually fades though with age, but by that point the relationship is based upon more than attraction you think ? and intimate relations occur on the basis of something much more deeper than physical attraction ?

I remember a speaker saying once in a lecture, even if you marry the most beautiful person in the world after 5 months of looking at them every day you will not be able to see the physical beauty like you saw it when you first looked at your partner, because you will become de sensitized to their looks, they will just look normal/average to you.

Which makes me wonder if attraction ever goes beyond the realms of physical boundaries, i.e you want to be intimate with your spouse not cos of how they look, but because you love them so much and the person they are (i.e their personality) makes you want to be intimate with them even if their not physically attractive. Do such things occur in a marriage??

Is it ever possible to be so in love with someone you have no regard for how they look because your so in love with the person? Everything about them appears beautiful even if society considers it to be ugly, i.e they're over weight etc. You still find your partner beautiful in every way because of the immense love you have for them.

Or is this something that simply varies from person to person??

[جوري]

Attraction eventually fades though with age, but by that point the relationship is based upon more than attraction you think ? and intimate relations occur on the basis of something much more deeper than physical attraction ?

I remember a speaker saying once in a lecture, even if you marry the most beautiful person in the world after 5 months of looking at them every day you will not be able to see the physical beauty like you saw it when you first looked at your partner, because you will become de sensitized to their looks, they will just look normal/average to you.

Which makes me wonder if attraction ever goes beyond the realms of physical boundaries, i.e you want to be intimate with your spouse not cos of how they look, but because you love them so much and the person they are (i.e their personality) makes you want to be intimate with them even if their not physically attractive. Do such things occur in a marriage??

Is it ever possible to be so in love with someone you have no regard for how they look because your so in love with the person? Everything about them appears beautiful even if society considers it to be ugly, i.e they're over weight etc.

I don't think attraction is just a physical thing or even has to be a physical thing as I closed on my post above it is more complicated, it is psychological amongst other things and certainly not a universal formula.
I am sure it won't be so mysterious when you find the one in shaa Allah.. things seem much more complicated in theory than when put to practice.. you've a long road ahead of you and no two people's experience runs the same course..

[Salahudeen]

^There could be attraction between both that is not based on physical aspects at all, i.e its based upon how they make each other feel. And I think this is what it develops into, in a marriage, attraction that has nothing to do with physical features. That's why people are able to stay in relationships when both people have lost their physical traits because the attraction has transcended that maybe. :p

[جوري]

^There could be attraction between both that is not based on physical aspects at all, i.e its based upon how they make each other feel. And I think this is what it develops into, in a marriage, attraction that has nothing to do with physical features. That's why people are able to stay in relationships when both people have lost their physical traits because the attraction has transcended that maybe. :p

Yes...You're correct.. in shaa Allah you find what you're looking for (all around)

[dysphoricrocker]

Salaam.

I am not married but i shall give my opinion.

I think for most men, looks and physical beauty do matter. By most, i think it's pretty much almost all of us. Afterall, our beloved Prophet did say that one of the things to look for in a spouse is beauty.

But thing is, beauty could have different meanings to different people. For example, people would think this particular woman is pretty, but i may not feel the same. Every man has their own preference when it comes to physical beauty. It would be a lie to say we, men, do not look out for beauty in a woman.

[Hulk]

I read that we are attracted to people who look like our parents, if I remember correctly those that resemble our mum's face because we have been inclined to it since young. So don't be surprised if you find couples that look alike! There was even one time when a pair of long lost twins almost got married!

[marwen]

Not exactly On Topic, but I wanted to say we should not concentrate only on physical attraction, and not ignore it of course. We should also concentrate on permanent values (caracter, deen, intelligence) which will not fade with time.
[Don't look at me like that, I have no intention to kill this thread ;D]

This link contains beneficial stuff in_sha'_Allah, :
Qualities to look for in a spouse.

[Samiun]

:sl: I like it how most members voted for option #1, come to think about it, that must have been a blessing to get such beautiful/handsome + religious husband/wife.

[SFatima]

Please let me emphasize that there's no 'universal' for attractive. I find brad pit and that former James bond guy and Tom cruize utterly repulsive many people obviously drool over them I can't understand why but those are the laws of attraction so everyone will have an ideal and I read somewhere that for women it is usually someone that resembles their father (not look wise) but personality & character if they'd a good relationship with dad.. So obviously it is all more complicated than all that.

hate all these superficial men :p, and then if all these bradpits toms and other glamorous beauties were so beautiful inside, they wouldn't be getting divorced ever so often as if they didnt even like each other in the first place. That is the biggest give away of their fake relationships, and to just consider the amount of emphasis they place on looks and attraction , is plain ugly.

[ardianto]

I read that we are attracted to people who look like our parents, if I remember correctly those that resemble our mum's face because we have been inclined to it since young. So don't be surprised if you find couples that look alike! There was even one time when a pair of long lost twins almost got married!

Bro,

my Islamic teacher said, we should not looking for a wife who look like our mother.

[marwen]

my Islamic teacher said, we should not looking for a wife who look like our mother.

I don't know where I saw this
;D

Edit: It made me laugh sorry, but Good advice !

[ardianto]

I don't know where I saw this

I have seen a girl who look like my mother when she was young.

[Hulk]

Bro,

my Islamic teacher said, we should not looking for a wife who look like our mother.

I didn't mean that we should look for a wife that looks like our mother but that studies show that we have a natural inclination for the opposite sex who's face looks like our mum. Thank you for sharing what your ustaz said maybe if you can give a bit more info it would be great. Thank u akhi

[ardianto]

I didn't mean that we should look for a wife that looks like our mother but that studies show that we have a natural inclination for the opposite sex who's face looks like our mum. Thank you for sharing what your ustaz said maybe if you can give a bit more info it would be great. Thank u akhi

you're welcome.

My ustadz said, there's a sunnah for men to avoid looking for a wife who has face like their mother, because I will make them feel 'hesitate' to do intimacy.

I got this lesson when I was 10-11, more than 30 years ago. I do not where is my ustadz now. If he still alive, may Allah give him good health. If he has passed away, may Allah grant him jannah.

[Hulk]

Thanks akhi, I did wonder about that myself. I mean like if they don't realise that their spouse resemble their mother maybe it might not give them any issue but if someone tells them that might actually make an issue. haha.

[MustafaMc]

hate all these superficial men

I agree ... but within reason, you shouldn't be too harsh on us though because I believe that is how Allah (swt) created us. It is odd to me that all of the male birds are more beautiful than the females, but with humans it is the woman who beautifies herself to attract the men. To a certain point a man and woman should find the other reasonably attractive to the other. Excuse the corny phrase, 'Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.'

The outer beauty (eyes, face, skin color, body shape, muscle tone, etc) initially attracts, but it is the inner beauty (faith, honesty, integrity, kindness, strength of character, humility, intellect, etc) that helps to maintain a marriage.

[ardianto]

Was I physically attracted to my wife before I married her?. Yes!. But not her beauty that made me love her. This is why she chose me.

I am a type of man who attracted to personality first, then beauty. I guess, men like me are very rare. :D

[Muhaba]

I agree ... but within reason, you shouldn't be too harsh on us though because I believe that is how Allah (swt) created us. It is odd to me that all of the male birds are more beautiful than the females, but with humans it is the woman who beautifies herself to attract the men. To a certain point a man and woman should find the other reasonably attractive to the other. Excuse the corny phrase, 'Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.'

The outer beauty (eyes, face, skin color, body shape, muscle tone, etc) initially attracts, but it is the inner beauty (faith, honesty, integrity, kindness, strength of character, humility, intellect, etc) that helps to maintain a marriage.

It is a cultural thing. i hear there are south american tribes where the man beautifies himself to attract the female and even goes to live in the wife's house & tribe after marriage!

[ardianto]

It is a cultural thing. i hear there are south american tribes where the man beautifies himself to attract the female

If "the man beautifies himself" means make him look attractive, that's happen universally, sis. Not only in some South American tribes.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

i feel frustrated lol

i read this thread hoping to find facts ie:

"Yes i married, was attracted/wasnt attracted before, found/didnt find attraction after" kinda statements

instead this is turning into a philosophy class ;D

[ardianto]

If I and my wife were not attracted to each other before, we would not get married. I mean, she would get married with someone else, I would get married with someone else too. We could not lie to ourselves and to each other that emotional closeness that built in our friendship made us fell in love. This is why we made promise to live as husband and wife.

:)

[Muhaba]

i feel frustrated lol

i read this thread hoping to find facts ie:

"Yes i married, was attracted/wasnt attracted before, found/didnt find attraction after" kinda statements

instead this is turning into a philosophy class ;D

brother, i assure you, the attraction will develop if you let it. if not, it will be dead. but there should be something there at the start. if you absolutely dislike her (personality or looks), then there may never be anything to develop.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

brother, i assure you, the attraction will develop if you let it. if not, it will be dead. but there should be something there at the start. if you absolutely dislike her (personality or looks), then there may never be anything to develop.

no i hear that


i meant i was hoping this thread would have more personal experiences rather then random theories :)

[Hulk]

Bro I think you should ask old husbands! I think most of us here are young and thus our perspective is only so far.

[MustafaMc]

I am an 'old husband' and, yes, I find my wife physically attractive as I did when we first married even though I can imagine that perhaps relatively few here who would agree with me back then (26 years ago) or even now. I believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[Cabdullahi]

I agree ... but within reason, you shouldn't be too harsh on us though because I believe that is how Allah (swt) created us. It is odd to me that all of the male birds are more beautiful than the females, but with humans it is the woman who beautifies herself to attract the men. To a certain point a man and woman should find the other reasonably attractive to the other. Excuse the corny phrase, 'Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.'

The outer beauty (eyes, face, skin color, body shape, muscle tone, etc) initially attracts, but it is the inner beauty (faith, honesty, integrity, kindness, strength of character, humility, intellect, etc) that helps to maintain a marriage.

Please elaborate more on "muscle tone"

something like this : i want my wife to have solid biceps and a bulging neck?

[~ Sabr ~]

I think the brother means he doesn't want flab hanging off her, something that shows she has strong muscles is better, e.g. a toned body.

[Muhaba]

this was the way people would get married in the past and they never complained of not having attraction, etc. Ppl would get introduced to their spouses through parents and some didn;t meet spouse until the day of nikah. But there were less problems in those marriages than today.

today ppl wonder if such a marriage will have attraction because all they see around them is ppl meeting, falling in love, and then marrying (if they reach that stage).
what is the point of such a way of marrying if most such relationships end in breakups before the marriage? it shows that attraction/falling-in-love/relationships before marriage don't mean that that there will be a happy or successful marriage.

since in the past, arranged marriages worked, you shouldn't worry about them not worrking.
however, i think it's a good idea to get to know your spouse a bit before the marriage, after the nikah as is done in syria, where the couple talk and meet for a few months after the nikah to get used to each other. some families allow them to hang out/go out alone together while others insist that they can only meet each other in the presence of the girl's family and they can talk to each other on the phone.

after a few months, the couple is usually in love and ready for marriage.

[~ Sabr ~]

:salamext:

since in the past, arranged marriages worked, you shouldn't worry about them not worrking.

But in the past sis, people were a lot more tolerant of things which they aren't now and they shouldn't be, e.g. keep quiet even if you are right in front of your husband, etc. Mainly for women.

[Salahudeen]

this was the way people would get married in the past and they never complained of not having attraction, etc. Ppl would get introduced to their spouses through parents and some didn;t meet spouse until the day of nikah. But there were less problems in those marriages than today.

today ppl wonder if such a marriage will have attraction because all they see around them is ppl meeting, falling in love, and then marrying (if they reach that stage).
what is the point of such a way of marrying if most such relationships end in breakups before the marriage? it shows that attraction/falling-in-love/relationships before marriage don't mean that that there will be a happy or successful marriage.

since in the past, arranged marriages worked, you shouldn't worry about them not worrking.
however, i think it's a good idea to get to know your spouse a bit before the marriage, after the nikah as is done in syria, where the couple talk and meet for a few months after the nikah to get used to each other. some families allow them to hang out/go out alone together while others insist that they can only meet each other in the presence of the girl's family and they can talk to each other on the phone.

after a few months, the couple is usually in love and ready for marriage.

I see your point sis, but another factor to take into consideration is that people's hearts were alot pure back in the day, for example women did not see many men they lived very sheltered lives, they wern't exposed to the filth that is around today, which let them fall in love with their husband much quicker and appreciate his physical features easily because they hadn't been exposed to it much. What you mentioned still happens in the really conservative parts of the world.

But todays times are a stark contrast to the past, today girls and boys grow up being exposed to uncovered men/women on the TV or in the street and it makes them find it harder because they become de sensitized to seeing a man's/woman's aura.

I think if men were not exposed to women as they are in the west and vice versa physical attraction would arise from simply seeing the aura of your spouse. And it would not be so hard to feel the attraction. I think that's what it was like back in them times when they would get married without seeing each other, just seeing the aura of their spouse was enough to create attraction because their eyes hadn't been exposed to all the filth that exists in western society in terms of lewdness.

[ardianto]

A tip for sisters.

There's difference between physical beauty and good appearance. Physical beauty is something that not everyone has. Good appearance is something that can build by everyone.

Physical attraction is built by two factor. The minor factor is physical beauty, the major factor that more important is ability to build good appearance, like know how to dressed well, good in maintain cleanliness, know how to maintain good attitude.

If a woman is physically beautiful, but she less care about her cleanliness, doesn't know how to dressed well, has a bad attitude, .... she would not attractive. But if a woman not physically beautiful but has ability to build good appearance, ... she would be attractive.

So, sisters who, excuse me, physically not beautiful do not need to worry.

Men just want to get married only with women who can make them physically attracted. It's true. Even for many men, physical attraction is the main factor. But as long as you have ability to build a good appearance, you would be physically attractive in their eyes.

:)

[Cabdullahi]

I think the brother means he doesn't want flab hanging off her, something that shows she has strong muscles is better, e.g. a toned body.

I have made some observations, and i have found out that caucasian brothers like toned muscles and african and arab brothers like a bit of flab hanging off.

Now, the million dollar question is, is MustafaMC a caucasian brother?

[Muhaba]

^actually all men like a bit of fat on women, according to book on psychology. men like average looking women not the very slim ones. women on the other hand, think they are more attractive when very thin, but that it seems is untrue.

[Cabdullahi]

^actually all men like a bit of fat on women, according to book on psychology. men like average looking women not the very slim ones. women on the other hand, think they are more attractive when very thin, but that it seems is untrue.

this is what ive been talking about for so long, i guess some brothers were conditioned to like toned muscles - or rather as i like to call it ''the block''.

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

I'm inclined to close this thread because it is discouraged by the scholars for unmarried people to engage in such discussions about relationships. Though speaking about such matters is not forbidden, to discuss it as it has been on this thread is at least discouraged. Already people are talking about physical appearances, attraction and its causes as well as preferences of outward appearance. I'm inclined to believe that more than half the people who have posted on this thread are not married (seeing as this discussion has become very theoretical). These discussions fuel desires and it is for this reason why I always strongly discourage relationship discussions/threads, except for those that are either articles or delivered in the form of lectures.

Even if this thread was populated by those who could genuinely answer the original poster's question, I would still strongly discourage such discussions to continue. This is on the basis that the harm of giving insight to others about relationships far outweighs any benefit on a public forum. If genuine benefit was intended by the question, then I encourage privately asking people who are actually married rather than holding a public discussion. The next few posts may decide whether I will allow this thread to continue, though I can't really answer why I'm actually allowing this respite.

[MustafaMc]

Now, the million dollar question is, is MustafaMC a caucasian brother?

I am a caucasian. No where did I say what I personally found attractive nor have I described my wife who I personally find attractive. I wrote initially about what can generally be agreed upon by others as being 'attractive', but I did not insinuate that my wife possessed or lacked any of the afore mentioned aspects of inner or outer beauty. I personally believe that physical beauty is grossly overrated and I find it immature and disgusting that someone would reject a wife or husband because she or he lacked a particular feature that can be generally accepted as attractive. I believe that inner beauty and strength of iman is immensely more important than the outer appearance of a spouse or potential spouse.

[جوري]

:salamext:

I'm inclined to close this thread because it is discouraged by the scholars for unmarried people to engage in such discussions about relationships. Though speaking about such matters is not forbidden, to discuss it as it has been on this thread is at least discouraged. Already people are talking about physical appearances, attraction and its causes as well as preferences of outward appearance. I'm inclined to believe that more than half the people who have posted on this thread are not married (seeing as this discussion has become very theoretical). These discussions fuel desires and it is for this reason why I always strongly discourage relationship discussions/threads, except for those that are either articles or delivered in the form of lectures.

Even if this thread was populated by those who could genuinely answer the original poster's question, I would still strongly discourage such discussions to continue. This is on the basis that the harm of giving insight to others about relationships far outweighs any benefit on a public forum. If genuine benefit was intended by the question, then I encourage privately asking people who are actually married rather than holding a public discussion. The next few posts may decide whether I will allow this thread to continue, though I can't really answer why I'm actually allowing this respite.

It did take an ugly turn somewhere.. I unsubscribed a while back and clicking here now I am not liking the various detours. Perhaps if Bro Salahuddin feels he received sufficient replies he can give the OK to close the thread..in shaa Allah, Allah swt will grant him she who meets and exceeds all his expectations & may they have a long happy prosperous life together..

:w:

[Cabdullahi]

I am a caucasian. No where did I say what I personally found attractive nor have I described my wife who I personally find attractive. I wrote initially about what can generally be agreed upon by others as being 'attractive', but I did not insinuate that my wife possessed or lacked any of the afore mentioned aspects of inner or outer beauty. I personally believe that physical beauty is grossly overrated and I find it immature and disgusting that someone would reject a wife or husband because she or he lacked a particular feature that can be generally accepted as attractive. I believe that inner beauty and strength of iman is immensely more important than the outer appearance of a spouse or potential spouse.

I agree 100%

Two things why its superficial to talk about aesthetics :

A: because Allah created all people upon the best of forms.

B: A person's faith and character are the real things one should look for in a potential zawj or zawja.

I think it might have been me who derailed the thread. I apologize for doing so.

[yasirslm]

actually all men like a bit of fat on women, according to book on psychology. men like average looking women not the very slim ones. women on the other hand, think they are more attractive when very thin, but that it seems is untrue.

It's something new 4 me:)

[Muhaba]

I see your point sis, but another factor to take into consideration is that people's hearts were alot pure back in the day, for example women did not see many men they lived very sheltered lives, they wern't exposed to the filth that is around today, which let them fall in love with their husband much quicker and appreciate his physical features easily because they hadn't been exposed to it much. What you mentioned still happens in the really conservative parts of the world.

But todays times are a stark contrast to the past, today girls and boys grow up being exposed to uncovered men/women on the TV or in the street and it makes them find it harder because they become de sensitized to seeing a man's/woman's aura.

I think if men were not exposed to women as they are in the west and vice versa physical attraction would arise from simply seeing the aura of your spouse. And it would not be so hard to feel the attraction. I think that's what it was like back in them times when they would get married without seeing each other, just seeing the aura of their spouse was enough to create attraction because their eyes hadn't been exposed to all the filth that exists in western society in terms of lewdness.

you may be right. fewer ppl are getting married nowadays, ppl postpone marriage till late, and divorce rates have increased. all these are the result of uncovered women and free-mixing of men and women.

[Muhaba]

:salamext:

I'm inclined to close this thread because it is discouraged by the scholars for unmarried people to engage in such discussions about relationships. Though speaking about such matters is not forbidden, to discuss it as it has been on this thread is at least discouraged. Already people are talking about physical appearances, attraction and its causes as well as preferences of outward appearance. I'm inclined to believe that more than half the people who have posted on this thread are not married (seeing as this discussion has become very theoretical). These discussions fuel desires and it is for this reason why I always strongly discourage relationship discussions/threads, except for those that are either articles or delivered in the form of lectures.

Even if this thread was populated by those who could genuinely answer the original poster's question, I would still strongly discourage such discussions to continue. This is on the basis that the harm of giving insight to others about relationships far outweighs any benefit on a public forum. If genuine benefit was intended by the question, then I encourage privately asking people who are actually married rather than holding a public discussion. The next few posts may decide whether I will allow this thread to continue, though I can't really answer why I'm actually allowing this respite.

i think this is an important topic as it seems a lot of ppl don't like parents/families suggesting spouses for them. they are influenced by the Western way where ppl meet each other by themselves in schools, colleges, offices, parties, etc; get to know each other and then get married. young muslims nowadays think that the old-fashioned way won't work, but this is a wrong idea. It works, as it always worked and it is even better than the current way, as you don't have multiple relationships before finding the "one" (if you ever do).

if you like, just delete the posts that are not beneficial and leave the beneficial ones.

[ardianto]

i think this is an important topic as it seems a lot of ppl don't like parents/families suggesting spouses for them.

"Guys, did your mother ever suggest a girl for you"

That's a question of survey conducted by a magazine in Indonesia. There are many answers, but not so far from these three answers:

"Yes. Actually she is attractive girl. But I don't know why I didn't feel attracted. Might be because I felt my mother forced me smoothly"

"Yes. But I don't want to marry her. However, she, and especially her mother, then 'chase' me, phone me many times, urge me to come again"

"Yes. And I like that girl. She's beautiful, has good personality, smart, or in short word, she the right girl for me. Unfortunately ...... she didn't want to marry me!"

[Muhaba]

"Guys, did your mother ever suggest a girl for you"

That's a question of survey conducted by a magazine in Indonesia. There are many answers, but not so far from these three answers:

"Yes. Actually she is attractive girl. But I don't know why I didn't feel attracted. Might be because I felt my mother forced me smoothly"

"Yes. But I don't want to marry her. However, she, and especially her mother, then 'chase' me, phone me many times, urge me to come again"

"Yes. And I like that girl. She's beautiful, has good personality, smart, or in short word, she the right girl for me. Unfortunately ...... she didn't want to marry me!"

LOL
I guess they like it better if some school, office, party, or friend introduces them to each other.

meeting someone through your parent or meeting someone through social gathering is really no different, except that modern society makes it seem that the latter works while the former can not.

It's important to realize this and change the mindset so that marriages can be done islamically. mixed social gatherings are unislamic and have no place in Islam so it's not possible for a muslim to meet their spouse in that way.

[ardianto]

meeting someone through your parent or meeting someone through social gathering is really no different,

There's difference between meeting someone through parent, and meeting someone through cousin.

The parent bad habit is too intervene their kids. And although smoothly, parent usually force their kids to follow what they want. Different than cousin.

Here example of the difference.

Mother to son: "Mrs Fulan has a daughter. She is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. I want you meet her. Tomorrow we'll visit her house. I have made an appointment with Mrs Fulan. If you refuse to go there with mommy, you would make mommy embarrassed".

Cousin to cousin: "I know a girl who is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. May I introduce her to you?. If you agree, tomorrow we'll visit her home"

[Banu_Hashim]

I think anyone who's just physically attracted to someone (someone who walks by for example) is using standards shoved into their brain by the media. We're humans with brains (hopefully most of us) and so we should use the intellect Allah gave us to evaluate a person physically, character-wise, personality-wise which should all contribute to an overall attraction to another person which can then manifest itself in a physical union between a man and wife.

But nonetheless, it was interesting to see the poll results so far.

[Muhaba]

There's difference between meeting someone through parent, and meeting someone through cousin.

The parent bad habit is too intervene their kids. And although smoothly, parent usually force their kids to follow what they want. Different than cousin.

Here example of the difference.

Mother to son: "Mrs Fulan has a daughter. She is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. I want you meet her. Tomorrow we'll visit her house. I have made an appointment with Mrs Fulan. If you refuse to go there with mommy, you would make mommy embarrassed".

Cousin to cousin: "I know a girl who is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. May I introduce her to you?. If you agree, tomorrow we'll visit her home"

parental-pressure as compared to peer-pressure?

[Predator]

Mother to son: "Mrs Fulan has a daughter. She is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. I want you meet her. Tomorrow we'll visit her house. I have made an appointment with Mrs Fulan. If you refuse to go there with mommy, you would make mommy embarrassed".

This is nothing but emotional blackmail and is exactly what I meant when I said that it shouldnt be forced down the throat. Forced marriages are built on a corrupt foundation and tends to break off because of compatibility issues .The mother isnt the one who is going to spend the next 40-50 years with her
.
Such attempts at forced marriages should be crushed with an iron fist . The Son should turn the tables and threaten to sever ties if she persist with it and not ruin his life just to please his mother . Its the son's life and not the mothers

[Muhaba]

^brother, calm down. severing ties with one's kinship is not allowed in Islam. There is a hadith saying that those who sever ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.

One can tell one's parents nicely the kind of person he wants to marry and even that he wants to choose her himself, etc. There's no need to get angry about it as it will only make matters worse.

It's true that there are cultures that expect children to accept their parents' choice of spouse, but when i wrote about parents recommending potentials i wasn't talk about those sort of people. Parents, family, etc can recommend a spouse and then leave it to the two to decide whether they want to get married or not. Just as society will introduce you to someone and then you decide whether that person is right for you or not.

[ardianto]

@brother Predator

Brother, I did not talk about forced or arranged marriage. What I've written were based on reality in Indonesia, where arranged marriage is very very uncommon, but the mothers suggest a girl to sons is common enough.

The mothers in my place often 'push' their sons, but if the sons refuse to marry the girls who suggested by their mothers, the mothers would not force their sons.

Why the mothers often 'push' but the peers not?. It because there's different process in meeting someone through mothers and through peers.

If a mother suggest a girl to her son, it's because she find a girl who 'attract' her, and want to take that girl as her daughter in-law. Understandable if the mother push her son to take that girl, because she really want to get that girl as her daughter in-law.

Different than meet someone through peers which usually started by request from the guys themselves, who want to have someone. The peers will not push because they have no interest in this matter, just want to help.

And I do not talk about the fathers, because the father in my place never suggest anyone to their kids. What the fathers do just watch the guys who come to their daughters. If a father see something wrong with a guy who approach his daughter, he would intervene. If the father think, that guy is OK, he would let his daughter to accept that guy.

[ardianto]

I think anyone who's just physically attracted to someone (someone who walks by for example) is using standards shoved into their brain by the media. We're humans with brains (hopefully most of us) and so we should use the intellect Allah gave us to evaluate a person physically, character-wise, personality-wise which should all contribute to an overall attraction to another person which can then manifest itself in a physical union between a man and wife.

But nonetheless, it was interesting to see the poll results so far.

Depend on their maturity level. Mature people will not only look at physical attraction. Even many of them put physical attraction as the last consideration when they are looking for spouses. Different than immature people who could forget everything when they are physically attracted to someone.

Movies are influencing those immature people mindset. They follow what they have seen in movies without they realize, that's just in movies. When immature man attracted to a girl, he writes a love poem, memorize it then say this poem to the girl who attract him. In movie it could make the girl so impressed. But in the real world, it will make that girl see him as weird guy. :D

[Predator]

Understandable if the mother push her son to take that girl, because she really want to get that girl as her daughter in-law.

Chosing a wife is a right of the son and not the mother. These mother in laws, just need a house-help or servant , if thats the case then they can have it by hiring in the market.
There is no need for them to ruin a Sons life by forcing him into marriage which he doesnt want to be a part of

[sofiap]

there may be differences in every ones story,from those who have had arranged marriage or forced marriages, i think it all depends on the two people,for some it may come before,for others it has come afterwards,but this is due to attraction of the 'personality' of that person/spouse rather then the looks generally...masha Allaah, but more then that if we want to recognise the deeper truth,its the Mercy of Allaah that binds the two souls together,as Allaah knows best about hearts,and intentions and ones supplications...the rest is up to us how much maintenance we wish to invest in our marriages..

[sofiap]

i didnt include love marriages,as that is more apparent,that attraction exists first and foremost..hence why it is called love marriage..;

[ardianto]

i didnt include love marriages,as that is more apparent,that attraction exists first and foremost..hence why it is called love marriage..;

That's in movie, ukhti. :)

In the real world, love marriage usually started after two person attracted by each other character and personality, then start to attracted physically.

[Salahudeen]

:salamext:

I'm inclined to close this thread because it is discouraged by the scholars for unmarried people to engage in such discussions about relationships. Though speaking about such matters is not forbidden, to discuss it as it has been on this thread is at least discouraged. Already people are talking about physical appearances, attraction and its causes as well as preferences of outward appearance. I'm inclined to believe that more than half the people who have posted on this thread are not married (seeing as this discussion has become very theoretical). These discussions fuel desires and it is for this reason why I always strongly discourage relationship discussions/threads, except for those that are either articles or delivered in the form of lectures.

Even if this thread was populated by those who could genuinely answer the original poster's question, I would still strongly discourage such discussions to continue. This is on the basis that the harm of giving insight to others about relationships far outweighs any benefit on a public forum. If genuine benefit was intended by the question, then I encourage privately asking people who are actually married rather than holding a public discussion. The next few posts may decide whether I will allow this thread to continue, though I can't really answer why I'm actually allowing this respite.

Close thread please.

[cuezed]

How did you feel when you first met her?
And how did you mature together as a couple after your wedding?

Alhamdulillah, it was love at first sight. The fact that we were both practicing muslims (or trying to practice) was enough for us to accept each other. And it's still the same now.

[glo]

Alhamdulillah, it was love at first sight. The fact that we were both practicing muslims (or trying to practice) was enough for us to accept each other. And it's still the same now.

That sounds wonderful. May God continue to bless your marriage.
That shared commitment is very important to build a strong marriage.

[ardianto]

Alhamdulillah, it was love at first sight.

Actually, there's no love in the first sight. What you felt was "happy surprise", that made you feel comfortable with her. And it built love in your heart immediately.

Alhamdulillah, I am happy to hear it. :)

['Abd-al Latif]

Close thread please.

Request granted

:threadclo