Arranged Marriages in Islam

[patientgrace]

I was just curious about arranged marriages for the Islam culture. Would someone be able to tell me a little more about why it is done and if it is still done as often as it used to be?

With my upbringing, I never quite understood the whole arranged marriage thing, and maybe it is because I am not as educated on the subject.

Who here also agrees with it?

[ardianto]

Greeting Patientgrace,

Arranged marriage is based on culture, not based on Islam. It's popular among Muslims in Pakistan, India, and also Arab. But not popular -even unacceptable- in Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei.

Muslims are allowed to find and select their spouses by themselves.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I'm sure someone else will explain, but I read this piece in the news the other day and thought it was pretty cool:

http://www.chron.com/default/article...019.php#page-1

[Kyle]

Hello!
Well firstly, as I'm sure you already know, if a female says no to a man, or a man says no to a female, the marriage is cut off. The parents can't do anything about it. It is their ultimate decision and no one is forced. There is some forced-marriage in Muslim countries, but it is a cultural thing and against Islam.

In Islamic culture, parents often try to find a good man for their daughter, and it is more of a chivalry-type thing. The "couple" meets in a modest fashion, and get to know each other. If they wish to marry, they can! If not, oh well! So I would say that Islamic marriage is more of a chivalry type thing. The Islamic community is close, and having good ties with people is common and sunnah.

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[Hulk]

When Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam wanted to get married I think he arranged to have some "potential wives" have dinner with him and his mum(maybe hers too I'm not sure). Well some women met with them (not at the same time of course!). By the end I think Yusuf asked his mum for her opinion and I think he ended up marrying the one she suggested for him.

So no one is "forced" into anything, and they shouldn't be!

One can say that the etiquette/adab in finding a spouse in Islam is different than that of the "western" perspective. It's more direct and upfront. Saves a lot of "heartaches" and many other "mistakes" that happen in "dating" especially when people are irresponsible.

[ardianto]

There is difference between arranged marriage and "parental help matchmaking" (PHM). In PHM, the mothers propose someone to their sons/daughters, but decision to accept or not accept is on their sons/daughters. So, there is no compulsion.

THe habit of of Indonesian mothers. When they see their friends have a daughter (or sometime, sons) who look good in their eyes, they are thinking "Hey, she can be good wife for my son", then they tell their friends "why don't we match our kids in marriage?". And later they 'push' their sons/daughter to meet.

Sometime PHM were success, but usually failed, because the both parties refuse this matchmaking, or ... one party interested, one party not. In case like this sometime tension happened between these two mothers after the mother of disappointed girl/guy complain about "how broken heart her daughter/son is". :D

But this habit in not become a problem in Indonesia. Even there are many funny stories from "Parental help matchmaking" in Indonesia.

By the way, one of my sisters married through PHM. :)

[muslimah bird]

I kinda feel there is a lot of compromise in arranged marriages .I think it is better if a person choses his/her partner themselves

[Qurratul Ayn]

^ You will always have to compromise within a relationship, regardless of it being arranged or love marriage.

Oherwise, you'll be at each other's throats and never stop bickering!!!

There are TWO individuals within a marriage but you are a TEAM to make that marriage work.

[patientgrace]

Hello!
Well firstly, as I'm sure you already know, if a female says no to a man, or a man says no to a female, the marriage is cut off. The parents can't do anything about it. It is their ultimate decision and no one is forced. There is some forced-marriage in Muslim countries, but it is a cultural thing and against Islam.

In Islamic culture, parents often try to find a good man for their daughter, and it is more of a chivalry-type thing. The "couple" meets in a modest fashion, and get to know each other. If they wish to marry, they can! If not, oh well! So I would say that Islamic marriage is more of a chivalry type thing. The Islamic community is close, and having good ties with people is common and sunnah.

Thank you so much Kyle. That was very helpful. I am still learning so much and I am just beginning to really study and research and learn, even though I have been interested in the studies for some time now.

[muslimah bird]

^ You will always have to compromise within a relationship, regardless of it being arranged or love marriage.

Oherwise, you'll be at each other's throats and never stop bickering!!!

There are TWO individuals within a marriage but you are a TEAM to make that marriage work.

Sis , I feel arranged marriages are causing more harm than good to the couples involved and the society at large and some of the disadvantages are :


1) Interests : People who arrange marriages between two people have some goals and objectives that they wish to attain and may use the marriage as an opportunity to attain such. The marriage other than benefiting the couple, rather seeks to serve the interests of the arranger. For instance, parents may insist their child marries someone from a wealthy home so their financial needs can be met. In this case, there is a greater possibility that the arranger will be interfering in the marriage, depriving the couple their privacy.


2) Values -Values and habits vary from individual to individual. What may be valuable to the arranger of the marriage may not necessarily be valuable to the couple in the marriage. A marriage arranger may for instance value financial status of one of the couple, while the couple may value love above financial or social status. This is bound to cause problems in the marriage and may eventually break down.


3)Love - Most arranged marriages lack love that may keep the marriage. The marriage was arranged by someone else who had his or her own interests and so the couple may not have interest in it. Additionally, such marriages are arranged within a short time that, the couple do not take time to develop for each other. The marriage becomes more of living-together than a marriage. These marriages breaks down at the least provocation.


4) Perceived weakness - People who get married by arrangement by another person are seen as not being on their own. They are seen as having a weak will and incapable of making their own decisions. This may prompt unpleasant comments from family members and other people. These comments may demoralize the couple and may make them loose self confidence. This especially affects the men in the marriage as they are seen as incapable of proposing to a woman and so someone has to do it on their behalf. The psychological effects can be destructive.


5)Incompatibility Issues -This is the main effect of an arranged marriage. The couple may not know each other well and only get to know after they are married. They now get to identify the strengths and weaknesses of each other, which may be probably too late. They suffer a lot of incompatibility problems as a result. Arranged marriages usually skip the process of courtship which allows the couple to get to know each other.


An arranged marriage should not be encouraged as it brings too many disadvantages to the couple and society. Most of them do not last long and those that last are full of problems. Everybody should be given the right to choose who he or she loves and will be comfortable spending the rest of their lives with.

[Futuwwa]

Well, there is really no such thing as "the Islam culture", even though we at times seem to act like there is. Islam is the dominant religion in a band of countries stretching from Morocco to Indonesia, it should go without saying that such a large area can impossibly have any kind of unified culture.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Throughout my own family I have seen the destruction, doom and gloom of a couple due to love marriage and I have seen the prosperity, tranquility and blossoming adorned by an arranged marriage.



I know many people will jump up and raise the point that chance has played a huge role but subhanAllaah, What ever happened to Inna mal a'maalu binniyyaat? You get whatever you intend! If you intend to get an arranged marriage to satisfy your worldly desires then prepare to crash and burn like those from a love marriage. If you get an arranged marriage to obey Allah and get closer to him and choose a pious wife, enjoy your life, you have just made tranquility your home in this world and may Jannah follow you after.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I was just curious about arranged marriages for the Islam culture. Would someone be able to tell me a little more about why it is done and if it is still done as often as it used to be?

With my upbringing, I never quite understood the whole arranged marriage thing, and maybe it is because I am not as educated on the subject.

Who here also agrees with it?

A lot of times, arranged marriage is used interchangeably with forced marriage when they're not the same thing. This is a very important distinction to make. Regardless of how a marriage process is initiated (love, suggestion of parents , etc), Islam requires the consent of both the male and the female to the marriage and both have the right to say no - if they don't want the marriage. The two people have the right to sit down and speak to each other to understand how the other person is and see if there is compatibility and chemistry. However, there's no 'try it before you buy it' - meaning, there is no intimacy before the marriage.

A lot of times forced marriages happen - but they are a product of the culture of the locality and ignorance of the people and have nothing to do with Islam.

In addition, Islam doesn't frown upon love before marriage - there is nothing wrong if two people love each other and want to get married.

What I view to be a typical marriage would be i) I like a girl and I ask my family to approach hers and get the process started or ii) my family suggests someone to me and I consider her as a potential wife. Either way, the decision is mine, not my family's. In either case, the marriage is 'arranged' by the family to make life easier and maintain the dignity and honor of both sides - but there is nothing forced.

The details of how all this happens is usually dictated by the culture of the people. As long as the Islamic guidelines are maintained (no force, no intimacy before marriage etc) - the process is left open to culture. This is why Islam is amazing and compatible with people of all times and places.

[ardianto]

One of my male relative married a woman who chosen by his parents. They just meet few times before get married. The guy who taught Qur'an to my son even never meet his wife before get married. And they live happilly with their wives now.

But I cannot say these are arranged marriage. There's no compulsion. They could refuse if they want, but they chose to accept. The background of marriage like these is the parent intention to give the best spouse for their kids. So, they chose whom the best for their kids.

Basically arranged marriage would not becomes a problem if: Both parties have ready to get married. The kids accept the spouse that 'given' by their parent. The parent select someone who "right" for their kids, not "right" for themselves. The happy arranged marriage is arranged marriage that meet this criteria.

Many parent forgot that those who would marry are their kids, not themselves. So, they chose who they like and ignore what their kids expect as life-partner.

But the worst arranged marriage is arranged marriage that based on family honor. Not only the kids, even the parent actually feel compelled.

[Paprika]

I was just curious about arranged marriages for the Islam culture. Would someone be able to tell me a little more about why it is done and if it is still done as often as it used to be?

With my upbringing, I never quite understood the whole arranged marriage thing, and maybe it is because I am not as educated on the subject.

Who here also agrees with it?

Yes I agree with it. Unfortunatley in today's muslim world it is frowned upon. The true arranged marriage is not very widely practiced in the strict sense of the word. Nowadays we have a diluted form, where the parents may find a suitable partner then the two get to "know" each other, either by fone calls, e-mails or even going out, sometimes they may be engaged which still doesn not permit any of the above. In many cases these marriages never materialise.

[syed_z]

(24:32) Marry those of you that are single, (whether men or women),⁵⁰ and those of your male and female slaves that are righteous.^51,52 If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty.⁵³ Allah is Immensely Resourceful, All-Knowing.

Maulana Maududi Explains in his Tafheem....

“Marry: Arrange marriages....the righteous”, has led some scholars to assume that it is obligatory to arrange such marriages; whereas the nature of the problem indicates that it cannot be so. Obviously it cannot be obligatory for somebody to arrange the marriage of the other person. Marriage is not a onesided affair; it needs another party also. If it were obligatory, what would be the position of the person who is going to be married? Should he willingly accept to be married wherever others arrange it? If so, it would mean that he or she had absolutely no choice in the matter. And if the one has a right to refuse, how are the others going to discharge their responsibility? Taking all these aspects into account the majority of the jurists have held that the commandment is not obligatory but recommendatory. The intention is that the Muslims should ensure that none in the society should remain unmarried. The people of the house, friends and neighbors, all should take necessary interest in the matter, and where no such help is available, the state should make necessary arrangements.



...So some learned among the Muslims have thought the arranging marriages to be a strict commandment of Allah (swt) while it is not. There has to be choice of boy and the girl.


http://www.islamicstudies.info/tafhe...verse=27&to=34

['Abd Al-Maajid]

Greeting Patientgrace,

Arranged marriage is based on culture, not based on Islam. It's popular among Muslims in Pakistan, India, and also Arab. But not popular -even unacceptable- in Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei.

Muslims are allowed to find and select their spouses by themselves.

I am coming to Indonesia, In sha' allah!!! :D