Need help to know how I should be like.

[Islamforlife]

Asalamuwalikum. I am 16 years old and my mom says it's my responsibility to raise my younger sisters. One of them is actually a cousin we adopted, but she is as old as my younger sister, the're both 10. The thing is that I don't know how to deal with little kids. I used to be mean and scold with my sister before we adopted the other one, but I started practicing Islam and I don't like yelling at them or scolding them. Now when they misbehave I don't really say anything because I feel bad afterwards for being too mean, but they're losing respect for me as their older brother and can't take me seriously anymore. My mother commanded me to be rough with them and scold them when they misbehave, also they don't listen until somebody yells at them. I need some advice on how I should be like from now on because staying silent while my sisters aren't being corrected for things like horseplay isn't working. The thing is that I don't know if its right for me to be strict, yell at them, or scold them because I think I'm sinning somehow. Please help.

[May Ayob]

Alsalaam alaikum

I am an older sister of two maybe i hope i can help.I think at the age of 10 children are not really aware of the consequences of their actions and so when we as older sibling try to 'adress' their behavior to 'teach them disipline' they wont really respond to you in the manner that pleases you. What I'm trying to say is that you or me or anyone what we do is we appraoch children by our age/maturity and point of view as though we are treating them as individuals whom are above their age and we demand things that they still don't and won't comprehend or see as important untill they grow older, they want to stay up at night late eating popcorn and watching disney movie or cartoon shows or they want to play outdoor activities all the time and this is completely normal to them ofcourse because they are living in their own little world and this is what life has offered them at this point and age, the only way we can influence them is to try to understand them and respect them , yes we have to respect them because if we dont they will not learn what respect means in first place, before we can expect them to give it back in return. Also understanding that they are human beings and they are still young they make mistakes and that's okay as long as they acknowledge what they did as wrong and showed remorse. Try to remeber when you were 10 years old: how were you like bak then? what were the things you didn't like or actions you found irritating that people who were older used to do?.
Also, I think that when we scold or yell at children it really scares them and we unintentionally put them in a state of panic and children don't like this feeling so they will try their best to avoid the person and avoid any contact with him/her which will be very hard in the process of making a healthy relationship with them in the lifelong run.Then again some children enjoy anoyying and teasing their older siblings they cause to their siblings that being 'too nice and soft' just doesnt work.But please dont be cruel:
Do not hit them with any hard or sharp object.
Do not use agressive manner in approaching them.
Do not call them name or demean them.
Be as tolerant as you can.
Do not humiliate them or make fun of them or tell other adults how bad and misbehaved they are.
Please Please Please maintain their diginity because children are becoming a popular target of abuse and opression these days.


My advice would be:
*Communicate: verbally and non-verbally: Like talk with them, watch TV with them , try to figure out whats on thier mind, hug them and ..etc.
*Before yelling at them for something wrong they've done, request and explantation that may justify what they have done.
* Apologize when you have wronged them - theres no need for pride in family relationships.
* I know you may feel bad about punishing them but sometimes punishing the is at the best of their interest, it's okay if you explained to them why some actions can not and should not be tolerated.
* Try being their friend.
* Speak to your mother and discuss with her their issues, the responsibilty should not only be placed on you but on all the adult memebers of the family.

Be a good brother and enjoy the older sibling occupation.

I hope I helped.
Best wishes.

Salaam.