LI Writing Contest 2012: Feedback/Comments

[Periwinkle18]

Yayyy JazakAllah akhi

gng to read them tonight inshaAllah.

[Re.TiReD]

Just read the first entry, 'The Tramp'

I love the style and simplicity of the writing, and I love how despite it being simple, the detail and description is still brilliant. If I was to vote for this story I'd probably vote for it because the writer has managed some aspects of writing really well, aspects that I struggle with. For example I can never get dialogue right in a story, which is why I don't usually have any in the pieces I write. I like the short sentences and the fact that it's 'straight to the point'. The story tells itself without trying too hard or having to delve too deep into descriptions.

This entry kinda struck a chord in me because recently I've seen a lot of homeless people, just last week I was walking past one and he dropped down right in front of me and started having a fit; the point is, this story could be real and I can actually see it happening in this part of the UK. Hmm well maybe not this part since people are not friendly enough to talk to a tramp but I can see it happening, somewhere.

Thumbs up to the author, well done!

Haha just read 'A monster that snores'

Cute read :p short and sweet masha'Allah, I should have entered my short piece too, silly me :skeleton:

I think I like Snorry, he's a pretty old chap and you'd have thought he'd be tired of eating old socks, but apparantly not...since I've lost 20 pairs over the last few months :p

Well done author, you made me laugh!

Ok, just read 'Searching for Allah's love'

Before I write my thoughts I just wanna say that I'm 99% certain I know who wrote the story, so in advance, please don't be offended by any criticism <3

This is going to be a close competition I think!

I didn't enjoy reading this story as much as the others because the grammatical mistakes and words missing were distracting, however...This didn't take anything away from the story at all! The story is fantastically written and the story of friendship extremely refreshing, the theme of loving Allah and the Qur'an is so relevant, masha'Allah...well done to you for writing about it, it reminds me of my own Qur'anic and Tafseer studies and the love for Allah and His word that you feel afterwards.

Well done author, I still don't know which entry I'm voting for! Btw a mod can feel free to merge all my posts at the end.

Also, I'm only replying like this because if I had entered I'd want feedback on my entry too

[Yanal]

:sl:

Perhaps I should have done this before but better late then never:D. A member(jazakAllaah khayr) suggested we have a separate thread for comments and feedback for the entries as overwhelming the actual entries thread with comments will make it confusing for some members. So to avoid all of that please post your wonderful comments and feedback about the stories on this thread and not the other one. JazakAllaah Khayr.

[Cabdullahi]

I read bits of 'unity' and it slightly resembles killzone, specifically the first few sentences where they're sitting in the van with all their gear. A change of setting would've been nice instead of staying, for the most part, in and around the warehouse. All in all, it's a good story, well written, and it has lot's of small dialogues. I'm not sure if it's something that will appeal to the ladies(unless it's brother ghazali) but i certainly enjoyed it.

8/10.

Killzone =

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[جوري]

just so there are no hard feelings, since I really despise the fact that our names show on the voting poll almost tempting me not to vote- there are two stories tied for me and a third comes in a close second.. I can't makeup my mind between them but I am not making istikhara or losing sleep over it!
The one I chose reminds me of a movie I once watched (Bruce Willis) ...

[Periwinkle18]

Read the stories :D

I liked longevity and the monster that snores and all of them lol MashaALLAH all of them were really good. :)

[~Zaria~]

We have 2 voters so far.....and its a tie! lol.....MashaAllah : )

I had not realised that the vote was not anonymous......what kind of a poll is this? :P

Is there any way that we can conceal the voters identities? It somehow does not feel right this way :/

If members wish to reveal their vote at a later stage (after the count is taken), then this should be fine.....

Good job everyone! : )

[Innocent Soul]

^ Yeah!

I am not making istikhara or losing sleep over it!

I feel a bit nervous before voting. It's always difficult to choose.

[glo]

Tough choice!

I'm glad to finally know where our socks disappear to! Thank you to the author of A monster that snores! :D

I enjoyed Longevity. A complex story, and I love how past and present interweave and a very personal and painful story interlinks with the events as they unfold.
I feel I need to read it again at my leisure to fully grasp the plot and how it all fits.

I also like Ephemeral Paradise and how it explores the human urge to have its desire fulfilled, here and now and in abundance. The addiction that comes with temptation, and the constant need for more - and how easily it can become fatal. A sci-fi twist of what can be observed in our society on a daily basis ...
It's easy to imagine ourselves a few years from now and see this story become reality!

I haven't made my mind up yet - but great job, everybody!

[Cabdullahi]

Just finished reading longevity and mash'Allah it's my type of story, an esoteric and abstract micro-novel. I read it all in one go which say's a lot about it's ability to captivate a reader. It's a story where you have to read it a number of times to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, in order for you to get a deeper understanding.

8.5/10

[Abdul Fattah]

Here's my two cents, (I hope this doesn't come off cocky, giving advice. hopefully people while find my comments constructive and usefull)

Ephemeral bliss
My personal preference.I would have enjoyed a few more twists though. As soon as the breaker was explained, the ending was kind of obvious and predictable. But all in all it's a very good story.


The Tramp
It's a nice story, and I like that it has a message, I try to put some dawah in my stories to. Only, in my opinion you're laying it in a little too thick. It reminded of the sort of stories you read in school as a kid to learn morality. I think in general most people will find that off-putting. You have to be much more subtle; allow for the reader to reach his own conclusions instead of spoon-feeding it.

A monster that snores
Enjoyed reading this, A pity you didn't take it a further; made a story out of it. I mean, I feel there's allot more potential there.

Searching for Allah’s love
As far as the story is concearned, love it. As far as writing style is concearned I'd advice the following. When you write a story, obviously you already have an idea of where you're going, right? you have a storyline lined out in your head, in this case something like: "Girl meets friend, then loses her, but learns a valuable lesson thanks to her" The problem is then, will you just tell all the events from beginnning to end? every storyline will have it's dull moments which are unavoidable. The key is to work around it. For example, say you wanted to tell the exact same story, but by writing only about the events that take place on their last day toghether. What they say, what happens, ond so on. All the other information that is relevant (events of previous months, the school assignment, studying qur'an together and so on) could be refered to in flashbacks or just refered to as memories during the events of their last day. The story you've told then is exactly the same, only allot more fast-paced. It's like, rather then first giving a few paragraps to introduce the characters, start right into the action, and explain everything that needs to be known as you go along. Otherwise, most people will quit reading before you get to the action (=any event of major relevance in your storyline). As an added bonus to this, you will be able to put allot more emotion into the story, and talk about the characters thoughts and feelings as events come along since the more condence form allows for that better. whereas in the curren style, if you add thoughts and emotions, they would stand out as odd among the "list of events".

Unity
It was nice, but perhaps not really my cup of tea. there's this thing in hollywood, where each action movie that comes out rather then trying to be original just tries to trumph the previous by being bigger, faster, louder and what not. Basically your standard: "look how epic this is!". But honestly it just gets boring and dull very quickly. As far as your story is concearned; I felt like you have the potential to bring originality, but were sidetracked by getting sucked into that competition of theirs."

Longevity
Nice story. Your beats are sometimes a little of cue. Rather then anchoring the story they seem to make the writer's presence noticable. As if I can hear you thinking, what else could I say about this cat to break up the dialogue. Only afterwards it turned out it weren't just beats, but relative events to the story-line. I can't quite put my finger on it, but the pace just seems off. Also, I don't know if you did this intentionally to make people curious, but it took me a while to figure out who's who as characters are introduced. For example with Syed and Janus, even though you say right from the get go that they were in a cab I got confused and thought that they knew each other afterall (cabdrivers have family too :p ). It took me a while to figure out, and when I did I had to go back and re-read some parts. Maybe it's just silly old me, and that I haven't slept enough these last few days, I dunno. :)

Oh also, wasn't there an episode of Doctor who, with a very similar monster that had the exact same catch-phrase?

[Periwinkle18]

B

We have 2 voters so far.....and its a tie! lol.....MashaAllah : )

I had not realised that the vote was not anonymous......what kind of a poll is this? :P

Is there any way that we can conceal the voters identities? It somehow does not feel right this way :/

If members wish to reveal their vote at a later stage (after the count is taken), then this should be fine.....

Good job everyone! : )

I can't see who voted for wht maybe the mods changed it.

[Cabdullahi]

Voting is panning out the way i thought it would. Oliver Bierhoff didn't want to take the same route as Syed Qutb and maybe if they were friends things would be different.

Just read the monster that snores and i can say that it was written by a female 100%. It's something i would read to my children if i had children - nice, short and simple to understand.

6/10

[Cabdullahi]

Searching for Allah’s love
I had to team up with a girl named Khadija who joined school yesterday. She came and sat next to me as my friend stood up and left to sit next to her partner who I didn’t like at all.

Searching for Allah’s love
I thought I’d take an advantage and ask Khadija if she would like to come to my house tomorrow so that we complete our poster. I just felt attached to her;

Another story by a female, no brother can get away with what is occurring in the second quote, nonetheless it's a nice emotion-filled story written by a super emotional being, and i like it's message at the end - forget about people and care only about having love for Allah.

7/10

[glo]

I am almost certain that the first three stories are written by females and the last three by males. Just something about the writing styles and topics.

Only time will tell though. I could be wrong ...

[Abdul Fattah]

Also, stories were presented by Yanal in the order that they were submmitted, that should tell us that the first 3 were by woman, and the the last ones bu guys :p

ps: Periwinkle18, to see who voted for which story click one on of the blue numbers indicating the vote count, it wil lonly show then.

[glo]

Also, stories were presented by Yanal in the order that they were submmitted, that should tell us that the first 3 were by woman, and the the last ones bu guys :p

ps: Periwinkle18, to see who voted for which story click one on of the blue numbers indicating the vote count, it wil lonly show then.

No surprises there then ... LOL

I seem to remember that the guys were asking for extensions to the deadline ... :p

[Musaafirah]

Reading the above comments, for some odd odd reason, I think the 1st 3 and ephemeral paradise were written by girlies.

Anyway, for me it was a very tough choice between Longevity, unity and Ephemeral paradise.
Unity was a very fast paced story, I liked the way it went from one situation to the next and the action scenes. (I have eclectic taste in stories, you read the Alex Rider series? They're awsome!)
Ephemeral Paradise to me feels as though it's describing what's already happening in the world now, albeit with other methods of intoxicants. The story was very well written.
The one that clinched it for me was Longevity. The way the story was going back and forth from the Scenario in Syed's head, relating to the current situation, where the old man was getting younger. I just can't explain it, it was my kind of story. Hats off to the author.
Basically, it was a very very tough choice.
A

[Re.TiReD]

It's between Longevity and Unity...I can't decide

[Yanal]

It's between Longevity and Unity...I can't decide

Very tough decision to make in between those, I can't vote but if I could my vote would be for either of those two stories as well.

[Cabdullahi]

The last 3 stories are very well written, ephemeral paradise, unity and longevity, i think it will be a close one.

[Re.TiReD]

Unity it was :exhausted

I can't even explain why. At the end it was between that and The monster that snores. I still feel like going back and changing my vote :unsure:

[sister herb]

I voted Monster. Wanna be sure that at the next morning all my socks and mittens are not missing (read: eaten).

;D

[Muhaba]

As I read the last story I was sure it was the one I would vote for. It was so well written and I liked the plot too. But the gruesome ending was too upsetting. I didn't like it. I hate stories that end that way. It might be better, if, when he realizes the truth about the device (or his dependency on it) that he might go for help. ormaybe someone, like his neighbor, could come to his rescue. the story has potential but needs some work imo. I'm unsure if some genre accepts endings like that becuase i don't read this type of stories. so, depending on the genre, the author could leave the story this way or change it. but it doesn't get my vote.

I'll comment on the other stories at another time. I'm 99% sure which story i'm going to vote for but i'll be rereading some in-sha-Allah before i actually vote.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

After reading the first paragraph of Monsters, I was promptly reminded of this:

Then I realized this wasn't actually a scary story of personal demons :\

[Innocent Soul]

The tramp I liked it perfectly described how she felt and everything. It seemed very real. I could easily imagine it. Maybe me think how people in world have different lifestyles and how unexpected things could happen suddenly.

A monster that snores it was sweet and childish but as someone here said earlier more could be added to it.

Searching for Allah’s love It was a emotional one but it really made me think how the company of one righteous person can bring you back to the right path.

Longevity It showed us how human mind is it always keeps disturbing you. How a sudden turn of events might change your whole life. You never know how you will react in such situations.

Ephemeral Paradise It was the reality of Life. It takes so much time to understand when a little desire can turn in to something you never imagined. How it becomes too late till you realize.


Unity Though I wasn't that good at reading the unity. I don't know but I just was unable to imagine everything properly. Maybe it was because I have a low power of imagination.

We have really wonderful writers here. I learned a lot form all the stories. All of them were well-written. It was a really difficult to choose. Although I am not a writer myself I read a lot of stories and I could guess which members have written them. :D

[Cabdullahi]

I voted for longevity because of it's complexity...it makes you think. Unity was a classical war micro-novel and i think it might be the writers best subject/genre. The last story, however sad it maybe, seems as if though it is not complete.The main character, after he escapes from the hospital, never manages to have the operation done - it doesn't say anywhere in the story that the operation took place?

Anyways, it's been an interesting story contest with beautiful entries masha'Allah

[sister herb]

A monster that snores it was sweet and childish but as someone here said earlier more could be added to it.

Your socks were yummy already...

;D

Said Snorry.

[Musaafirah]

As I read the last story I was sure it was the one I would vote for. It was so well written and I liked the plot too. But the gruesome ending was too upsetting. I didn't like it. I hate stories that end that way. It might be better, if, when he realizes the truth about the device (or his dependency on it) that he might go for help. ormaybe someone, like his neighbor, could come to his rescue. the story has potential but needs some work imo. I'm unsure if some genre accepts endings like that becuase i don't read this type of stories. so, depending on the genre, the author could leave the story this way or change it. but it doesn't get my vote.

I'll comment on the other stories at another time. I'm 99% sure which story i'm going to vote for but i'll be rereading some in-sha-Allah before i actually vote.

I hope I can just comment.. I have read stories, where they have such endings and to me they are 'fitting' endings, if that makes sense. Just very real unfortunately, not sure if that makes sense, but the ending fit with the rest of the story. However, as Cabdullahi pointed out, it didn't elaborate on when/where the operation took place. The story does have potential though, it's one of those that makes you think. Not just because of it's futuristic George Orwell style, but because it makes you relate it to society around you, the different things people get 'in' to, regardless of how harmful they may be. Does that make sense?
Again, it was a very tough choice this year..

[Cabdullahi]

bumpy bump!

[Muhaba]

coming soon, in-sha-Allah.

[Cabdullahi]

less than 2/3 of the voting duration is left, we need more voters.

[Cabdullahi]

One of the kindest admins here...has just voted...Alhamdulilah it's good news!

[Muezzin]

Mashallah, it's great to see such creativity this year, and to see that it has lasted from our first contest five years ago. Inshallah it will continue into the future :)

[Cabdullahi]

Mashallah, it's great to see such creativity this year, and to see that it has lasted from our first contest five years ago. Inshallah it will continue into the future :)

The unity here is evident..everyone is sharing their thoughts on the stories,,masha'Allah

[Muezzin]

The unity here is evident..everyone is sharing their thoughts on the stories,,masha'Allah

I hope it's not merely an Ephemeral Paradise, so fleeting, but rather that it has sufficient Longevity to entertain and inform members who are Searching For Allah's Love into the future. All are welcome to write and read, from the lowliest member of society, The Tramp, to the loftiest. We don't even care if you're A Monster That Snores. Write, read and enjoy.

[Muhammad]

:salamext:

Masha'Allaah, Jazakallaahu khayran to all the participants for their great entries.

I'm not sure I've done justice in voting because I simply went for the one whose theme/storyline appealed to me the most, rather than use proper criteria like quality of writing and so on. Maybe some guidelines on choosing the best story can be suggested next time?

I know that the writers were eager for some feedback, so I've written some brief comments for each. I hope it is useful and constructive Insha'Allaah.


The Tramp

The story was well-written and easy to follow. It had good descriptions and detail in places to make it more real.

I was expecting the ending to give more of a message – such as regret over not helping when the opportunity was there, a change in attitudes towards the homeless, gratefulness for one’s own blessings etc. We do see this change in the main character as the story goes on, but it seems to end inconclusively (although the last sentence was a nice one to finish on).

Another thing is that the main character is always referred to in the third person. I’m not sure if this is intentional and it may have its own advantage, but it does take a while to work out she is Jay’s mother. Perhaps you could consider giving her more of a background and identity to add more depth to the story.


A monster that snores

A nice light-hearted story. There isn’t much to add to the previous comments, which suggested making it longer and into more of a story.


Searching for Allah’s love

I chose this one because of the underlying theme and messages. It illustrated the need to have religious friends and how good friends can support each other. I liked the way the reader is encouraged to turn to the Qur’an and always seek to please Allaah (swt).

As suggested by others, you could experiment with other ways of narrating the story to captivate the reader a bit more. More characters and events could be added to make it more interesting.


Unity

I was impressed with the terminology and dialogue used in this story as it added a very realistic feel to the nature of the story and its characters. It was very well-written and did a good job of narrating complex scenes.

I wasn’t sure what the title is referring to, and I feel I’ve missed something about Bear. There seems to be a focus on him at the end but I didn’t understand some of the references, such as how Alex reminded him that life is worth saving. Maybe I just didn’t understand some earlier parts.


Longevity

Quite a unique story line. It was very well-written with some interesting sentences like, ‘and each one of the boy’s movements brought a memory of Nurmeen, and each memory brought a smile’, which help us feel Syed's pain in a very real and moving way. I also liked, ‘A man’s eyes closed, frantic. A boy’s eyes opened, glassy.’

I wasn’t too sure about the flashbacks from the past – it is an interesting idea but I found them hard to follow/understand and maybe a bit distracting. Having said that, it was a clever way of adding a much deeper side to the story that overlaps with present events, and which decides how the story is to end.


Ephemeral Paradise

As glo said, it’s interesting how this story explores quite deeply human desires and addiction, as this is something that has many parallels in today’s society. I was expecting something different at the ending, such as Isaac seeking a way out of the mess he was in or some reflection on where things went wrong. The introduction of the new neighbour in the story indicated she might play more of a role - perhaps to help Isaac out of his problem. But perhaps the main message being delivered is simply that addiction and craving for more can have disastrous consequences, and that fleeting pleasure is not the solution.

Be careful with tenses - I think sometimes the present and past tense were confused.

[GuestFellow]

No stories about candy :cry:

[Periwinkle18]

you should start writing a story abt a candy land for nxt yrs competition good luck.

[Muhaba]

Unity also didn't get my vote. I felt it was more like a script for a play/movie than a story because it seemed like the charactrs were not wel-rounded characters. The writer may want to add some characterization by first getting to know his characters, their past/histories, desires and wishes, fears etc. Although these things will not all be included in the story, but the characters will seem more human than cardboard copies. Also, i read somewhere that the main character should change somehow in the story, either internally or externally. In this story, I couldn't even tell who the main character was. i think all characters were equal.

There are many great books about characterization that every aspiring writer should study, especially writer-digest books on the craft of writing.

another thing is that in a story all scenes shouldn't consist of conflict, that is all scenes shouldn't have the same pace. Some should be fast-paced while others should be slow-paced. Some should contain action while others dialogue or internal dialogue, backstory, etc. in this story, maybe they can have a setback and go back to replan and think, etc. where the pacing is slower and some characterization is shown.

So I think this story needs some work.

[Ali_008]

:sl:

I, finally, completed reading all the stories. Feel too bad for being this late, and also thankful to Cabdullahi for making me aware about this contest. I read all the stories, and enjoyed all of them mashaAllah. Each of them were very different from one another, and that is why sometimes the contrast made it too difficult to do justice in picking just one among them.

Here's what I thought about each of the entries:

The Tramp
I liked the story, but I really think it should have been much longer, and a lot of time should have been dedicated in portraying the development of trust between Jay and John. A long portion was invested in the inhibitions Jay's mom had about the tramp whereas very little attention was given to display how Jay chose to trust John. It was a quick read, and did not necessarily need a blunt end. The regret of Jay's mom could motivate her to stop judging people by their looks, and ever being open to helping those in need. Grammatically, this was very well written.

The Monster that Snores
I was really looking forward to this one when I read the title, but was disheartened by the length of it. Due to its length, it appeared more like an article or a news piece than an actual tale. I'd recommend the writer to post a more extensive story next time so that we get read more from him/her. Well written, but the length disappoints you. I did notice grammatical (mostly punctuation) errors as well.

Searching for Allah's Love
This was the best story for me. I really liked it, and was enjoying reading every bit of it. It was nice to see an Islamic story in the competition, and it did bring back memories of friends who I lost due to similar conditions. The direction of it was also very admirable as nothing seemed rushed, and every part of the story was given due time to make its own statement. The negatives of this story were that it failed in novelty. We have heard this same story with different characters a lot of times before where a friend is lost due to circumstances beyond one's control. There were plenty of grammar mistakes as well - again most of them were related to punctuation. The presentation could have been a lot better as well - I mean spacing between paragraphs. Overall, I really liked this story, but it didn't have the innovation others had. Finally, the message behind was beautiful, of course.

Unity
To begin with, I really feel that combat scenes are hard to execute for even the most gifted writers. I feel even Stephen King has a hard time creating action sequences, because there are so many things that have to be described, and it gets difficult to visualize so much at the same time. Thus, I feel the writer started wrong by going for the action genre. It is just too tough. In addition to that the short dialogues of the SWAT guys isn't something that I like. There wasn't a story either, it was more of a crime scene. A lot of questions were left unanswered from the beginning like who was Taggart, what were his crimes, what was the history behind Bear and his criminal father. There was a background to the story, and thus the entire thing looked more like a scene because we weren't completely aware of that background. I liked the storytelling. The grammar was good as well mashaAllah, but overall I felt the story was falling short on many occasions, because of the above reasons.

Longevity
Nice story. The element of surprise was a first in the contest. The magical creature's intentions couldn't be doubted until he actually started showing his true colors. The story was very different from what we had seen in the contest so far. I liked the way it had a twist, and it gets you hooked. The flow was very smooth as well. There weren't many grammatical errors either. Overall, I liked it, but it didn't beat my favorite so far in the competition.

Ephemeral Pleasure
I have read novels like Ephemeral Pleasures before, its a different thing that I didn't complete any of them. ;D This was a complete story. They weren't many loose ends or loop holes as enough information had been provided about each fragment. The narration was excellent, and it was quite realistic. We all have one kind of addiction or the other, and its tight grasp over us does overpower us in ways we can't even understand. The story had a good start, and a sad and regrettable end. I'd say the entire formatting was done very well for this one. The grammar was near perfect as well. I can't say I enjoyed it, because the story was sad, but was very intriguing.

I hope I didn't hurt any authors' feelings by my words. I saw that everyone was posting quite sweet and positive reviews so I thought I should add a tinge of spice to my reviews.

[Cabdullahi]

JazakAllah khair brother Ali for reading the stories....we need more people to read them insha'Allah, and 'WRITER' should stop beating around the bush and just vote!

read and vote!

[Ali_008]

JazakAllah khair brother Ali for reading the stories....we need more people to read them insha'Allah, and 'WRITER' should stop beating around the bush and just vote!

read and vote!

JazakAllah Khair for reminding me about them, dear brother. Plus, all the time while I was reading Unity, I kept thinking that 100% it has been written by you, but I saw that you compared it to Kill Zone, that cleared it up. Unity reminded me of Modern Combat, combat games both of them nevertheless.

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

Peace be upon you all

WOW.

Just WOW.

Masha'Allaah, what talent is encompassed within the stories!!! You, authors, should be delighted with your works, absolutely amazing. A much deserved pat on the back y'all should give yourselves.

Now, I'm never good at giving feedback or constructive criticism, for me it's whether the author grabs my attention at the beginning and I go straight to the end and see if it's a good'un. That's just me. Anyhoo, here are my thoughts:

The Tramp:

This story touched me, it really did, nevertheless, it was a good read. I became upset near the end, and just thought what a horrible way for John and Bungee to die, but then that does happen in real life too. I like chocolate drops too.

The Monster that Snores:

This story made me laugh, very light and chirpy. Yep, chirpy. I'm glad Snorry gets rid of Mr Sandman sometimes, as deep, dreamless sleeps are needed once in a while and the fact Snorry is 150 years old, wow. To be that old and never get fed up of eating socks, what a legend.

Searching for Allah's love:

Very nice story. I adore the message within. Also, what is Aisha's favourite dish that mummy cooks??? I was waiting for it, but nope, no mention of the favourite dish. Also, Aisha and Khadija were awarded only house points for their 3D project about the life cycle of a butterfly?! Where are the gold stars?! The injustice.

Unity:

This story was good, fast-paced and action-packed. It reminded of quite a couple of action scenes that I've seen in some films. My mouth literally dropped open at the revelation of Bear's relationship to Nebojsa, that's how engrossed I became in the story. And I like the ending too, the fact that they were all still alive. Phew!

Longevity:

This story was great, the fact that I knew what was going in the world (in the taxi, with Syed, Janus, the cat and little Tom) and the flashbacks too (as they linked in with what was happening) was cool. My heart went out to Syed and Nurmeen (Nice name, never heard of it till reading the story). I was so glad when Tom ran off without hesitation and Syed had the foresight of braking and delayed the evil Janus's magic upon little Tom. Out with the old, in with the new. Indeed. Personally, I prefer out with the new and in with the old.

Ephemeral Paradise:

Awesome story. Very detailed and in-depth. I felt sorry for Isaac and he didn't do any favours for himself with the Cere-Euphor, how easily people become engrossed. Lots of meanings within the story that I found to be quite intriguing. Hmmm... This story has got me thinking. I like the complexity of the story. Very descriptive.

So there y'all go, my thoughts. I wanted to choose them all!!! But I can't so I chose one. Obviously

Once again, you, authors, made superb stories and I enjoyed reading them immensely. Fantastic reads, truly.

Keep it up y'all.

[Muhaba]

The Tramp is a nice story with a nice message but isn't too well- written. It is more like a back story than an actual story.

Also, it is possible that the author used the wrong POV character. it might have been better to use the voice of Jay to tell the story rather than his mothers.

The beginning is also confusing. i saw that the main character was referred to with "she" so was confused about who Jay was. Might be better to wrte "her son, Jay..." from the start so the relationship will be clear and we'll know that she isn't Jay.

Although a good story and nicely written but it needs some work (so it didn't get my vote either). It might be better to rewrite the story from scratch. that is something that works for me. Sometimes during the first draft, I'm figuring out the story so might not write it so well. If I write the second draft from scratch (without looking at the original) the second draft is better. Not that i use this method often but it has worked whenever i did use it.

I hope i read more from this writer since the writer has talent.

[Muhaba]

JazakAllah khair brother Ali for reading the stories....we need more people to read them insha'Allah, and 'WRITER' should stop beating around the bush and just vote!

read and vote!

Patiense brother, i'm getting to it. there aren't too many days left anyway.

[Muhaba]

Snorry didn't get my vote. It's not really a story imo but ideas for many small tales for little children. Snorry might be a great story series idea and the author should definately work on it. I can see it being made into a children's story book that parents read to their preschool children: Stories of Snorry and Mr. Sandman.

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

Peace upon you all

Do we find out the names of the authors who've been entered into the competition after it has been concluded? Or can we know who they are now?

[sister herb]

I think it is duty of br Yanal to publish names of writers when voting is over...

[Qurratul Ayn]

^ Oooohhhhh. OK

I really want to know. They all created excellent pieces of work!

Ah, well. Only a couple more days till the ultimate winner is announced and the runners-up.

[Cabdullahi]

i Entered late unfortunately but insha"Allah next time i'll enter on time

[Muhaba]

I liked Searching for Allah's love. I myself love writing children's books and so enjoyed reading this story. This could be a story for children in the 4th or 5th grade, judging from the writing. And I liked the storyline and message that the story gave. However, although the storyline is good, the writing needs a lot of work.

The writer shifts between present and past tense, something that is looked down on in the writing world. There are also run-on sentences (sentences separated with a comma that should be made into separate sentences or combined to make compound or complex sentences). for example the sentence: Suddenly while I was in the middle of my imagination, someone hit my arm lightly bringing me back to my sense, I smiled seeing it was my friend nudging me to pay attention before I get caught by the teacher.


Another thing is that most of the beginning is told in summary form when it should be told in story form, with action and dialogue. "Show. don't tell" is advice that is applicable here. Also, the verb "to be" (is/was) is regarded a weak verb and should be replaced with stronger verbs.

for example, instead of writing "I started the talks..." let the character speak through dialogue (direct quotation). instead of writing Khadija told me what she had in mind and I loved it. We decided to give our poster a 3D effect which was Khadija’s idea. it's better to write something like "How about we give the poster a 3D effect," Khadija suggested. "Wow, that's an awesome idea," I said. etc.

So the story idea is good and can be turned into a longer work for young Muslim children. But it needs a lot of work. It needs to be fleshed out instead of being a summary. And the grammatical errors needs to be fixed too.

I hope the author works on it and gives us the revised version. I'm sure it'll be good as the writer has talent. writing children's stories is considered very difficult so if the writer can do it that means she/he has lots of talent.

[Muhaba]

And last but not least, Longivety was a well-written story with a good storyline. There were a few confusing parts (such as the very end, where I had to read it several times to know what was happening, who was choking the life out of whom, etc. Other than that, it was very well-written and an original. I especially liked the way Syed and Nurmeen's backstory was interspersed throughout the story. Longevity was an enjoyable read.

My vote was based on two factors: a good plot and good writing and Longevity had both, although I must admit it was hard to make the choice between "Searching for Allah's Love" and Longevity. Even till the end i wondered, should i vote for this one or that? But finally my decision was made based on these two factors, the story having both got my vote.

congratulations to all the writers. you all did a great job. And i hope to read more work from you and other talented IB writers. I think we have lots of them but they're all in hiding.

[Haya emaan]

Assalam o alaikum

So at last read the stories and voted for 'Unity' last night. i had to decide between ephemeral paradise and Unity and chose Unity because it had 'Action' and 'crime', 'Action' is my type of reading (and watching)..:p

All the stories this year were nice and worth reading

THE TRAMP
Story with a message. nice read.
How some people live, leave and die but life goes on

A monster that snores
interesting little piece of writing. Gave me thought of the monster who lives inside us, inside every human being just like the one that lives under author's bed, eats his/her things and don't want the place to be cleaned. but we cant let our own monster do this...

SEARCHING FOR ALLAH'S LOVE
i really liked this story and how it defines to love Allah to get his love.
Love for the sake of Allah is only the true love and the relation which leads us to the love of Allah.
the story also touched me because of her friends name Khadija.

UNITY
story that got my vote although i wasn't able to find unity between the story and its topic:hiding: but as i said it was my type of reading fast moving, fighting, struggle against the criminals of society and humanity. liked the way it defined the scenes and specially the part where bear fights his own father..

LONGEVITY
read twice, complicated style of writing. past and present together hard to follow. Still made me think.

EPHEMERAL PARADISE

fantastic story about ephemeral paradise each one of us is trapped in.. our never ending desires and how far we go to fulfill them and at last it ends in nothing.
poor Isaac but i don't feel sorry for him. it was his own choice..

[GuestFellow]

ALL THE STORIES WERE BORING! :/ COME ON! I wanna read stories about zombies, aliens and fights! WHERE'S THE HORROR? :-(

[sister herb]

Even there was one monster if not zombies. ;D

[GuestFellow]

Even there was one monster if not zombies. ;D

WE NEED PARODIES AS WELL! NO MORE SERIOUS STORIES! Can anyone do a parody of the bush administration? PLEASE!!!

[sister herb]

^ What if for example you will try it for the next contest? :shade:

[GuestFellow]

^ i judge! Not participate!

[tearose]

I enjoyed reading these stories - each one had some strong points. The two that stood out most to me were Searching for Allah's Love and Ephemeral Paradise. The latter was very well written and inventive. However, in the end I voted for Searching for Allah's Love. From a technical point of view it wasn't as well written, but I thought the message was really strong, positive and uplifting and it was well structured. The last part in particular was very well executed. I think the author of this story should look at the advice given by WRITER in this thread to improve even more.